#let's talk about purgatory and the voicemail and gadreel and charlie

[samclownchester]

I’m Not Sorry

Read on AO3

Listen, Dean has done a lot of problematic stuff they've never discussed on the show (or they have discussed but it was in a very biased and unfair way) and we all complain about it and I just wanted to write Sam finally standing up for himself and Dean finally owning up to the crap he's done so ... I hope it's as therapeutic for you to read as it was for me to write!

“Dean, we need to talk,” Sam said, sliding into the seat across from Dean at the kitchen table. Dean looked up from his breakfast, surprised, and the egg on his fork slowly slid off and flopped back onto his plate. 

“Um, good morning to you too,” he said, disgruntled.

“I’ve been talking to Eileen about … our lives,” Sam said without preamble, “And I’ve realized a few things. Things that I wanted to make clear,”he was doing his best to talk in a level tone. The last thing he wanted to do was start an argument, but he had realized that a lot of things had gone undealt with between them, and he wanted … no, needed to clear the air. At least for a few specific things.

Dean set his fork down and shrugged, giving Sam permission to say whatever was on his mind. 

“I’m not sorry,” he started, and though a part of him was a little afraid of Dean’s reaction, he also felt relieved to be saying it, “about what happened in 2012.” Dean just looked at him with wide eyes, and Sam couldn’t tell if he was surprised by what Sam was saying, or just shocked he would interrupt his breakfast over something that had happened so long ago. “I mean, I wish you hadn’t gone through purgatory, and I do … I do regret not looking for Kevin but … I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for getting a dog, for falling in love, for trying to move on after I thought you had died, like we had promised each other we would. I don’t apologize for that.”

Dean didn’t respond for a moment, just stared at Sam, his expression unreadable. “Let me get this straight,” he said, “you were talking to Eileen about this girl you were … with, almost 10 years ago and … what? Sammy, come on…”

“Don’t.” Sam said seriously, giving Dean a level look, “don’t try and make light of this, don’t just brush it off. Dean,” he heaved a sigh, “look, you’re my brother and I love you, I do, but … we’ve been through a lot of crap together, and you have put me through a lot of crap, and we need to talk about it.”

Dean stared hard at him, but when Sam didn’t break away from his gaze he finally relented, “ok, fine. Fine. So you’re not sorry. You’re not sorry I spent what felt like eternity rotting in a world of monsters. That’s great Sam, just what I wanted to hear when I woke up this morning,” he stood up, picking up his plate and heading toward the sink. Evidently, he no longer had an appetite.

“That’s not what I said, Dean,” Sam turned to continue facing Dean as he maneuvered around the kitchen. “It’s not like I’m happy you went to Purgatory, and I know that it was very traumatic for you, and I understand that you were angry and hurt when you got out, but I did not deserve all the guilt you threw on me. I did what I thought was right, I mourned you, Dean. I thought you were dead for good.”

Sam sighed deeply, “Yes, Dean, the future matters, but the past does too. It’s made us into who we are, and … sure, we kickass but we also –”

“Yeah, except that’s not what we do!” Dean yelled, “we don’t just give up on each other,” and Sam felt like they’d transported themselves back in time. A part of him regretted bringing this up; wanted to curl up into a ball, tell Dean he was right, apologize, go back to his room and leave things as they were. But he’d realized that how unhealthy that was, and he fought against that instinct.

He reminded himself that it was the present. That Dean had been out of purgatory for years and a lot had changed. “What about when Cas died,” he asked, trying his best not to raise his voice. He didn’t want this to be an attack, just a counterargument, although he worried Dean would get defensive either way, “by some miracle we got him back, but you didn’t want to try anything to bring him back. You burned his body. You gave up. You mourned. Did that mean you cared any less about him? No, you just didn’t know how to save him.”

Surprisingly, Dean’s anger seemed to lower to a quiet simmer. He set his jaw, taking a deep breath. “Ok,” he said, “I’m – I shouldn’t have yelled. This is an old argument anyway. Things’ve changed; we’ve changed. Listen, I don’t – I know you’ll have my back in the future, that’s what matters.”

He cut off, not sure if it was wise to say. An observation Eileen had made about how their family seemed to work that had left him feeling a little unsettled, especially because it was so true. 

“What, Sam?” Dean asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. He seemed completely done with this conversation, but he wasn’t leaving. 

Sam sighed, “You and I – and hell, even Cas – have been stuck in this loop for years now. With you as the moral authority on everything, you always have the last say. But, I’m sick of apologizing. I’m sick of putting my head down and letting you have your way.”

“Sam, what the hell are you talking about?” Dean exclaimed, “I listen to you!”

“Yeah, when it suits you,” Sam shot back

“And you’re your own person, anyway, you can do whatever you want.”

“Yeah, and I do,” Sam said, “but if it’s not what you want, I usually have to do it behind your back.”

“Ok, so now you’re blaming me for the fact that you’re a liar?”

“Dean, would you stop!?” Sam yelled, “I’m trying … I’m trying to get you to own up to the fact that you have hurt me! Ok?” Dean turned away but Sam had a feeling he was rolling his eyes, “I mean, yeah, you took care of me, you’ve protected me, you’ve always been there for me, and I’m grateful, I am!” he said, although he sounded anything but grateful, “but you’ve also hurt me. I mean … ever since … and I know this was ages ago but it’s seared into my memory; that voicemail you left me, right before I went to kill Lillith. You called me a bloodsucking freak and told me you were on your way to kill me … I think, ever since then I’ve been … afraid,” Dean turned around again, his eyes wide, “afraid of you … seeing me that way. So I just … I apologize, I let you be right –”

“No, hold up,” Dean said, cutting Sam off with a gesture. He was looking at Sam like he had been speaking a foreign language, “I never said that.”

Sam shook his head, exasperated, “Dean, you might not remember, I know you probably weren’t thinking straight – God knows I wasn’t – but it happened, ok. I know it did.”

“No,” Dean insisted, “I do remember, I left you a voice mail. I did, but that was not what I said.”

Sam looked at his brother incredulously, “Dean, are you seriously trying to gaslight me right now?” he said with an ironic laugh, “that is … you’re unbelievable.”

“No,” Dean advanced on Sam, “that’s not – I mean I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I was on my way to save you. I never would’ve even thought that killing you was the answer … I just, I – I couldn’t.”

But Dean cut him off, “No, shut up Sam,” he said, “You’re right, ok? You’re right. I have put you through some real crap. I have said horrible things to you, and the whole situation with Gadreel … I didn’t think. I didn’t … I didn’t know what it was like to be possessed, to lose your autonomy like that I …” his voice caught in his throat. Sam felt sucker punched. He hadn’t been ready to talk about Gadreel, that was something he tried desperately not to think about, but he saw tears forming in Dean’s eyes, “And after Charlie died? I was … the Mark was messing with me Sam, but that’s no excuse. What I said? I didn’t mean it. And I know, ok? I know I have a lot to apologize for. And I am … sorry, I am,” he took a deep breath, he wasn’t letting Sam get a word in edgewise, but this all seemed like it was very hard for him to admit, “I always think that people will just – that they’ll just get it, y’know? That they can see that I’m sorry, I try to … make up for stuff without having a conversation, but … you’re right. We need to talk about this. We can’t just forget about it.”

Dean seemed so convinced he was telling the truth, but Sam couldn’t accept it. This was one of those memories that, despite the years that had passed, despite everything else they had gone through, remained clearly stamped in his mind. It was the day he realized Dean’s love was a conditional one. He knew Dean would go to the ends of the earth for him, but deep down he always wondered … where was the line? What were the conditions which, once he failed to fulfill them, would make him lose the only thing that had every really mattered to him?

“You know what Dean, maybe this was a mistake,” Sam said, “we just don’t … I shouldn’t have sprung this on you first thing in the morning,” he hated himself for saying it, for crawling back into his shell, trying to placate Dean, to keep the peace in their little family. 

Now it was Sam’s turn to stare in shock. Dean was looking down somberly, obviously trying to fight down a well of emotion. He slowly raised his eyes to meet Sam’s. 

“I’m sorry, Sammy,” he said earnestly, “I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I blamed you for things that weren’t your fault, I’m sorry that … that I scare you sometimes. I’m sorry that I still act like Dad. And you don’t have to forgive me, not for everything, not right away.”

Sam breathed out, he felt a weight lifting off his chest. For so long he had been carrying guilt that didn’t belong to him and finally he was starting to feel like he had permission to let it go.

“But Sam,” Dean continued, “I was never going to give up on you. I don’t know what happened to that voicemail, but I need you to believe me. You’re my brother, and there’s nothing you could ever do to change that. There is no line, no conditions, I have your back. Always.”  

And, for some reason, Sam started to believe him. He knew the extents to which their lives could be manipulated, he knew how desperately Heaven and Hell had wanted him to break that seal. Maybe someone had changed the recording somehow, meaning to push him over the edge. Whatever had happened, Dean was adamant that he hadn’t said what Sam remembered. There was no final straw. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Sam said, because he wasn’t going to say, “it’s alright,” because it still wasn’t. And he wasn’t going to say “I forgive you” because … there was a lot to forgive. But this was an important step. 

Dean nodded in understanding. They stood in silence for a moment, neither knowing quite what to say, then Dean turned to leave. 

“Listen, Dean,” Sam said hesitantly, “I think it would be … healthy for us to take some time away from each other. Nothing permanent but just … a break.”

Dean pursed his lips and Sam was worried he would reject the idea, but he just said, “yeah, yeah I think you’re right.”

Sam sighed in relief, “Um… Eileen and I can take off for a bit –”

“No,” Dean said, “No, you stay here with Jack.” Sam met his gaze and Dean quickly added, “I mean … if you don’t mind. It’s just … Cas and I have a few things we should probably discuss and I … I’m trying not to shout so much in front of the kid.” He looked chagrined, probably because of all the shouting he’d just done, which had likely been heard by everyone in the bunker. 

Sam smiled a little bit, glad that Dean was trying to be less authoritative, and at the thought of Dean and Cas starting to unravel their own messy history. With the help of Eileen’s outside perspective, Sam had really started seeing all the unhealthy patterns they’d been caught up in. 

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” he said, “lets run it by Eileen and Cas and see how everyone feels.”

“Great,” Dean said, “I’m just gonna –” he started heading toward the hallway, likely to his room, but he paused, “I really am sorry, Sam.”

Sam nodded in response, “I know that now Dean, I believe you.”

Dean looked like he might have more to say, then thought better of it, responded with a nod of his own, and left Sam standing in the kitchen. 

Although the conversation had been … turbulent, to say the least, Sam felt good. They certainly hadn’t said everything that needed to be said, and obviously overcoming their unhealthy patterns would take time and effort but … Sam felt like they had hope. And he finally felt like he had permission to search for happiness outside of his codependent relationship with his brother.

#Supernatural fanfic #sam winchester #dean winchester #dean critical #technically #sam has never done anything wrong ever in his life ^_^ #Dean say you're sorry challenge #let's talk about purgatory and the voicemail and gadreel and charlie #but this time we give Sam the space and love he deserves