#lean out feminism

[heterorealism]

#sociology of heterosexuality #heterorealism #feminism #lean out feminism #why women quit dating #divorce

[andthebeanstalk]

#Girlboss movement be like:

"Don't just be DOOMED BY THE NARRATIVE! Prove that even a woman can be strong enough to BE THE REASON THE NARRATIVE IS DOOMED!" ;D

#original #i was an enby in business school around when the book Lean In came out #it really is like this #business #lean in #girlboss #seize the means of also being the oppressor ladies!!! ;D (mostly white ladies!) #ahhhhhhh #diversity win! this class traitor is a GIRL!! :DDD #feminist shitposting #white feminism #intersectional feminism #intersectional feminism is good! who knew!

[silvermarmoset]

something that i wish thirteen's era had covered more fully are the sheer weirdnesses in this body she regenerated into. why did she regenerate with brown hair that was already half-dyed blonde? how did she have ear piercings as part of a fresh new body? in what world does it make sense for her newly regenerated body to have cleanly shaven legs? thirteen has all these little feminine things going the second she appears, and it's never noticed within the show. and while i guess the masculine-presenting doctors also had little weirdnesses (Ten freshly regenerated with hair gel already applied), it feels more noticeable when the alien doctor falls in so hard with the very specific beauty trends of twenty-first century earth, in every element.

idk i just think having a female doctor could have been room for such growth, but these unspoken little markers that require work and choice being shown as innate and present the minute the doctor appears female strikes me as...i dunno, like guys who think women only look right if they're wearing makeup? like the female-presentation shtick women go through is in any way natural. the thirteenth doctor often seems surprised to be labeled a woman, and yet she's wearing eyeliner. who put that on?

#i feel like i'm not discussing this as clearly as i like...and i don't want to offend anyone or imply that eyeliner is only a woman's thing #eyeliner/ear piercings/etc. but it stands out to me that the only time we see the doctor lean into them heavily is when she's suddenly in #a female body? i feel like chibs' assumptions show up a little hard there #im just. sad that my mad little alien suddenly subscribes to modern earth beauty standards the second she appears #which i guess the masc doctors did too! but because masculine beauty standards are more in line w being natural theyre less noticeable #someone help me. something something feminism #doctor who #thirteen #thirteenth doctor #dw analysis #(kind of. mostly just. uhh. wondering why the doctor has to be pretty)

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[akajustmerry]

a huge part of learning how to critique media, no matter what it is, is knowing that everything is a product of it's time. whether it's made in good faith or bad, there's not a single text that can escape when it was made. and the purpose of acknowledging that isn't so you can excuse a story's bigotry, or even praise what it may or may not touch on - but you have to understand that stories are all products of their time to understand why it is the way that it is. there's a real trend to just critique media in a vacuum with basic technical analysis but context is everything when it comes to analysing media. I'm kinda tired of hearing ppl claim that acknowledging texts are a product of their time is excusing their faults when context acknowledgement is actually a core element of any Criticism worth its salts . anything made about the world is always part of the world.

#prompted by a convo with a friend about game of thrones who claimed I was excusing racism... #when I pointed out danys girlboss arch is a product of the lean in pop feminism of the time.... #as y'all know there is nothing I hate more than context collapse

[rimouskis]

just left the barbie movie and all I can say is that sid would really, really love living a mojo dojo casa house

#though isn't a hockey team a mojo dojo casa house in an arena? #I think the movie was cute but I wish it had leaned into the silliness more (or that audiences leaned into the silliness more) #which I think it kept trying to do but I feel like ... overarching media narratives have tried to spin the movie as #Doing Something more than it actually does. it treats both feminism and patriarchy irreverently #which is like. that's fun! but idk I didn't walk out feeling empowered lol I mostly walked out liking weird barbie's character the most #she was fun #also gosling was perfect lol

[comet-wire]

Ngl I've been having a gender crisis again on top of all the stuff that's happened with my dad, I think I still identify as male/masculine idk 🗿

Same with my ace/aro spectrum placement ☝️🗿

#comet rambles #putting in queue to deploy later #parent loss tw #just in case by association n implications ☝️🗿/nm+gen #when i get stuff set up with my checking account i was already thinking of getting a new chest binder once our personal issues with finance #has been figured out definitely #i dont wanna say much n jinx stuff so ill leave it at that #personal #gender shit is hard n i really think i may be a he/they or he/him still #or if not then closeted butch lesbian idk #most signs point to male gender identity leaning though 😔👍 #also my social battery is outta wack but i needed to get this out so i apologize to anyone who i have yet to respond to/gen+nm 🥹 #like i genuinely still feel as though ive been born in the wrong body and i tried to accept my feminity and it went well!! #like i started embracing my femininity the past few years and now i think im over it because it feels like i just attempted to try #and be something i wasn't if that makes any sense #i hate being referred to as she/her or as a girl even if i understand some people will still see me as fem despite my personal identity etc #its not that i hate my femininity its just i feel anything but female while still enjoying traditionally fem stuff at times #hope this makes sense #🗿👍 #still ace/aro though just cant figure out if i only enjoy the thought of romance (cupiosexual/romantic) or if i feel comfy in one #i know im sex repulsed though thats for certain #as of lately chris Redfield and Albert Wesker have become two of my transition goals and idk what to do about this lmfao #i wish i was kidding #but im not 😭 #sitting here like EVA shinji with his head in his hands in the damn chair image/lh #also wanna be a rootin tootin goth cowboy 🥰 #if it turns out im like a comphet butch/nb lesbian im gonna shit myself though/lh+nm

[moe-broey]

Thank you transwomen (in general but also) for the term "boymode" bc using that terminology for myself as a transguy (so, "girlmode") has been the only way I've been able to aptly and succinctly describe whatever the hell was going on *vaguely gestering to my adolescence from ages 15 to 19* there.

#hope i'm not overstepping or saying some dumb shit LMFAO #but like. speaking v generally. esp in the beginning of unpacking 'oh fuck i. i don't think i'm a girl.' #i found i related a lot more to transfemme experiences of living one way for so long all your life playing A Role #and in some cases leaning heavily into masculinity to 'prove' you couldn't possibly be a woman #than like. so many transmasc experiences i'd see online of like 'oh i always knew.' #and the staples of the experience being like. tomboyish. baggy hoodies. ect. #and like i'm not saying any of that in a derogatory or dismissive way. it's just so much of what i saw as a teen #'researching' being trans so i can be a better 'ally' to my friends and classmates LMFAOO #also this is why the narrative of transmen being 'lost girls' and 'just tomboys' is SOOOO stupid it's funny to me like. #there was a very short stint in middle school where i was more 'tomboyish' in appearance #very quickly it was corrected out of me by the influence of loved ones and myself. that wasn't Really Me #let me tell you. the combination of people pleaser/autistic masking is INSANE esppp when you're in an Evil Setting for it LMFAO #<- evil setting being my specific brand of christianity i was brought up w #but case and point i don't think i was ever actually a tomboy. i was HIGHLY feminine actually. #and i found a lot of delights in feminity too! esppp a love of fashion and cute aesthetics #so like. describing my experience w gender/presentation has always been really difficult language-wise #saying 'when i was a girl' doesn't feel right cause i never was one. just played A Role. i didn't always know though. #i didn't even realize i WAS playing a role. also there were things i genuinely loved and enjoyed associated w feminity. #and saying 'post transition' is weird to me too bc. i'm not? there yet? i'm not done yet. #and any which way of trying to describe 'when i came out' is clunky bc i was always outed/forced out #like. multiple times. even before i had the time to explore it/make sense of it myself. #def rambling but. girlmode and autistic masking are synonyms to me now. it captures everything. #i swear to god the parallels between autism/being trans drive me INSANE to me they are always informing one another. #like i feel like i could write an entire fucking essay about it. if i was an academic i would fucking KILL it

[figofswords]

the op of the Hannah Gluckstein post is a terf :pensive: shes red on shinigami eyes + has some real sketchy stuff on her blog. obv no judgment, just letting you know in case you wanted to block her. love ur art <3 <3

eurgh thanks for letting me know :/// I’m not gonna delete the reblog bc hannah gluckstein as a jewish butch artist is still something that speaks to me personally and I had never heard of her before but I will be blocking the op. fucking astounding that these people will understand gender-nonconformity of lesbianism and then turn around and fail to expand it beyond the end of their nose. goddamn.

#(ok sorry went on a rant in the tags so if you don’t want to read me losing my shit over transmisogyny here is your warning) #as an afab gnc lesbian myself I feel far far far more kinship to trans women than I ever felt to most cishet women and CERTAINLY to terfs #like. not to go off on a whole rant but it is genuinely so baffling to me #how can you read gender and sexuality studies and examine gender as the construct that it is and then come to the conclusion #that gender essentialism is the way to go?? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. #when I took gender studies it was so fucking clear to me that like. it’s all bullshit. there is no binary gender there is no binary sex #none of it is real. society wants it to be real SO BADLY that doctors perform genital surgery on intersex infants to assign them sex/gender #trans women were and are and always will be SO SO SO SO SO key to queer liberation and the queer rights movement #and they are The Most Fucking Vulnerable Group!!!! they deserve more goddamn respect and protection! #going back DECADES they’ve been shut out of gay/lesbian rights groups #it’s like. transfemmes and fem leaning gay men are met with such aggressive hatred #in ways more extreme than say a woman cutting her hair short ever is #bc society views feminity as something weak and shameful #which! fucking proves a lot of the points terfs THINK they’re trying to say which SHOULD expand to #‘oh hey maybe our rhetoric was seeded as a way to cause a rift in what SHOULD be rhe ubited front of intersectional feminism’ #‘and therefore we should work together and for and with trans women’ #but no they’re too blind to realize that their shit MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!!!!! AAAAAA #anyways. fuck. sorry to go off I just scrolled through ops page to confirm and got Real Fucking Mad godfuckingdsmnit #I need to install shinigami eyes I just keep forgetting #thanks for telling me tho anon. ugh. #asks #anonanonanonanah

[heterorealism]

#lean out feminism #feminism #heterorealism #childfree #child poverty #children #marriage #gender inequality #poverty

[homoquartz]

this post is not gonna be well put together but i am having feelings

mean girls is trending right now because the musical movie just came out and i feel insane. idk why i do, it was stupid of me to think that most people Got It, no one ever gets it, it was always about the memes and the aesthetic.

the first mean girls movie was based on a nonfiction book called queen bees and wannabes. it interviewed and discussed the social hierarchy system in teen girl friendships. how they hold each other to these insane standards of heternormative femininity out of sheer terror that they won't meet those standards themselves. the way they leverage their relationships for some small degree of power in a world designed to strip them of it, even if it drags other girls down.

the "you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week and on wednesdays we wear pink" speech was not an original creation for the script. it's a QUOTE from a real teenage girl. those were REAL RULES.

then the musical came, and it was one step removed from the intended messaging of the film. OG mean girls was not perfect (and was extremely racist), but it said what needed said. the musical leaned on the comedy more, but still left a heartfelt undertone, and still critiqued the systems in place. of course no piece of media is going to be perfect, but it was about the conversation.

then this new movie comes out and it is washed over in the veneer of white hollywood feminism so thick you can't see anymore. the problematic aspects of the original movie are taken out to avoid "offending" when the offense was the point. it becomes toothless, it becomes some other thing entirely. they changed karen's line "i expect to run the world in shoes i cannot walk in" to "watch me as i run the world in shoes i cannot walk in." because choice feminism is in vogue, suddenly this character whose entire point is that she doesn't think deeply about WHY she does anything is suddenly hip to the fact that the world is against her.

i think of sokka losing his misogyny arc in the new atla. i think of the Heathers remake casting the bitchy, identical heathers as queer and hollywood-fat outcasts. as if the story, the meaning, the allegory is hidden in the sets and the jokes and the music. it's a whole new thing now, and it's a thing that means nothing in particular.

the plastics should not wear jeans. they should not have curves. their queerness should be suppressed, painful. their sexuality is not a slay, it's the only thing they think they have of value. the santa dance isn't sexy, it's shocking, it's mortifying - they are children.

they're not mean because "we are all mean." they are mean because they are girls in a world that brutalizes them and crushes them into a standardized shape. they are mean because the world is mean to them. they are mean because it gives them some power back. they are mean because it's the only weapon they have.

the landscape of femininity today has shifted to camera-ready makeup at the age of 10, stringent performative hygiene standards, and avoiding being caught on film while having a genuine emotion. the consumerism, the fatphobia, the racism, the classism, the homophobia remain. We could have had a conversation about that.

#mean girls #huge unhinged rant sorry #misogyny

[mrmallard]

I've been seeing people bring up JonTron a lot lately, and man I don't even wanna know why he's coming back up. Get that guy outta my life.

Dude was a huge disappointment when he went all in on the white nationalist horseshit. I thought he was funny when I was younger, and I grew up coached in that sort of edgy internet humour he did that primed a lot of people for the radical political discourse that would emerge in the 2010's. It's only through sheer fucking luck and having the right people in my life in the right time that I didn't get roped into that sort of horseshit.

The warning signs were definitely there, but I didn't have the context I needed or the fully realised, crystallised values I hold today to reflect on them the way I would now - the former built up over time, and I feel like the latter began to really form in the heat around the time of that sort of cultural chokepoint in my sphere of influence that started with gamergate and escalated through 2016 and beyond.

It really took JonTron saying "poor uncivilized immigrants are invading America and breeding out the civilized americans through sheer numbers", directly espousing neo-nazi sentiment while it was on the rise, for me to see how much he genuinely sucked as a person. He was getting there with his sense of humor, but you never really expect a person you held in any sort of regard to go "mask off" and just start saying crazy bigoted shit like that, y'know. Whenever I think of JonTron, I feel annoyed and ashamed.

I don't want to know why he's getting any sort of continued legacy, good or bad. I just want that shithead out of my life.

#messyposting #toxicposting #also just as a footnote #i went from shithead chud gamer humor that emphasized pushing the barrier of what was acceptable to say to/about other people #to like. the height of social justice posting on tumblr. a lot of which skirted WAY TOO FUCKING HARD towards like proto-terf shit #like I feel like I saw the schism that led to a broader fourth wave of feminism and either birthed or mainstreamed the terf movement #as it was happening #i was in sex negative places. i was in places where people were saying that penises have been one of the nost violent weapons in history #and I'm saying this to emphasize that while yeah I was a fucking shitbird kid who got extremely fucking lucky not to end up going bad #I arguably came just as close to disaster on tumblr. and let me tell you there was fucking PRESSURE to conform on tumblr #again - right time right place. like I'm not perfect by any means. I'm angry and vindictive in my own ways #and god knows I'm self-righteous #but I really turned out a lot better than I could have been. either as a gamergater dickhead or a reactionary terf #rejecting intersectionality and enforcing strict boxes for people to exist in - stomping on people's hands if they tried to crawl out #i don't think I would have gone whole hog on the second one. i was lucky enough to notice the dissonance and take a break for long enough #to solidify my own personal values on my own time #i think I was much more at risk of beng lured into gamergate shit and having my innate anger and raged used to ensnare me in that #but the simple fact is that at different points of my like I was skirting both of those things. i was adjacent #and it's through nothing less than god's good fucking graces that I cane out the other side as relatively decent as I have #(I'm invoking god a lot but like. at best I'm agnostic and I lean atheist. it's moreso to emphasize the weight of what I'm trying to say)

[sooniebby]

Restraining.. but it’s the guys weight holding you down.. bonus if he’s your sister’s ex boyfriend ;) bottom male reader, reader is mentioned to have a cock. Spanking, feminization, and light degradation. (Adding dub con just to be safe but reader consents to everything)

Smut idea where reader ends up getting fucked by his sister’s ex boyfriend and finds out he likes bigger and older men :3

After your sister, Karina,’s break up with her boyfriend, she’s been a bit of a mess. Even though she was the one who initiated the breakup. She never told you why but she certainly told you what she’d miss from her ex.

His smile, his hair, his hands, and his big co—

Yeah, it was getting annoying. You were honestly glad. You didn’t like the guy. Some bad boy wannabe wearing leather jackets and riding a motorcycle. He was.. like in his mid 20s! Too old to be a bad boy! You were at least glad you’d never see him again

But that wasn’t true when you ended up seeing him in your home… the day you were trying on a pair of shorts Karina got you.. the shorts were way too short for you—your ass cheek was basically popping out and you couldn’t even wear underwear with it.

And now here you were, gripping your bedsheets tightly with the shorts around your legs as you bit down on your lip. A constant force pushing up toward the headboard as he fucked you like an animal.

You could’ve said no. And really, you were about to.. but damn, he was kinda hot. Tall, lean, and tanned skin. Jet black hair.. why did Karina break up with him..? Personality maybe?

Fuck a personality right now though…

Anyway, while you lose your virginity to your sister’s ex boyfriend, all you could do was whimper and whine. You tried moving but his body was pressed down onto you, forcing you to take whatever he gave you

And what he gave you was harsh deep thrusts. Easily reaching your bundle of nerves and earning muffled screams from your lips. You shifted underneath him at each graze of your prostate but was only met with a swift spank to your ass.

He didn’t even say much for you to drop your shorts. A simple raised eyebrow and a smirk got you wet. Which is… very virgin like but at least you’re not a virgin now :)

You didn’t even think about how weird it was that this guy, who was about eight years older than you and dated Karina for almost two years was fucking you without any sense of guilt.

But fuck… your sister was right. He did have a huge cock.. but suddenly you thought about your sister getting fucked by this guy and now you felt disgusted. You tried to move again but was met with another harsh spank and him pushing you even deeper onto the bed

It looked like you weren’t leaving anytime soon. And embarrassing enough, you took it. Future you would deal with the guilt of fucking Karina’s ex.. present you would enjoy your first ever dick

“You do this for everyone?”

Oh. He can talk? You only mewled as his thrusts seemed to only get quicker, the sounds of skin slapping filling your room.

“Dressing in these type of shorts,” he tugged at the shorts around your legs. “How many did you seduce with these?”

You could only try to ignore him and just enjoy the feeling of getting fucked but he grabbed your hair and pulled. A cry left your lips as you glanced at him, a faint smirk on his lips.

“You’ve always been cute.. glad to know your pussy is tighter than Karina’s”

You couldn’t help but mewl at his words, your tight heat tightening around his cock. His smirk only grew—his eyes staring knowingly into yours.

He’s got you now.

You came soon after that in embarrassment. How could that even make you cum? But he loved it. His past thrusts were fast but it felt absent.. now, he was fucking you like he was wanting to breed you.

Your lips were continuously open, loud and unabashed screams left your lips. Each thrust caused your body to push forward violently.

“Look at you… taking me well for your first time. Y’know.. I think I know why some people love fucking virgins.”

His thrusts slowed down, earning a whine from you. He was slow and methodical which was good at first but randomly, he slammed into you, earning a cry in pleasure from you.

“Not for the innocence… but for showing someone new how good it is to be fucked. And the discovery of themselves.”

He slammed into you again.

“I think I don’t want this to be a one time thing. This pussy’s too good to give up.” He gave a soft squeeze to your ass.

“…’s not a pussy…” you slurred out, practically cock drunk at this point.

He only grinned. His thrusts were slow as he brushed against your prostate before stopping right there as he painted your insides. You gasped in disbelief, feeling the warm liquid.

He pulled out and got off from on top of you. You continued to stay on the bed—just hoping he’d leave now so you could sleep in shame for sleeping with Karina’s ex.

But you heard the sound of a camera going off. With the last bit of energy you had, you turned yourself around to look at him as he smirked at his phone.

He turned the phone to you, showing you the picture he took. Your bare ass as cum dripped out of your fucked out hole. Luckily you were face wasn’t in the picture but if someone had been in your room, they could tell it was your bedroom based on the posters you could see in the background

“Safe keeping. I had to delete Karina’s nudes… so I need some new material. You’ll be giving me more, yeah?”

You could only stare at him dumbly as he grabbed his shoes and slipped them back on. He grabbed his jacket and looked back at you. You could feel his eyes roaming your body before looking down at your hole that was still leaking with cum.

A twisted smirk was on his lips at the sight. You blushed in embarrassment and looked away.

“It’ll be fun helping you learn about yourself more… I’ll see you soon. Wear those shorts again, alright?”

With that—he was gone. But the only thing on your mind right now was…

Why was he even here in the first place?

And uh.. more importantly—what was he going to do with that picture?

I’ve always liked the idea of sister exbf but only if the bf is older and a bit mean, but I certainly think I can make him meaner for next time.. how do you guys like him?

Tag list: @the-ultimate-librarian @mello-life69 @kiiyoooo @chill-guy-but-cooler @nakedtoasterr @ofclyde @smellwell @tomoeroi @kaedezu @loivre @millecka @iwishtobeacrow

#bottom male reader #x male reader #sub male reader #oc x reader #smut drabble #smut ideas #mlm nsft #mlm ns/fw #smut prompts

[inkskinned]

you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.

you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.

he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.

a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.

he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.

you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.

people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.

wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.

also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.

he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."

you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.

"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."

he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.

you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.

is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?

you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.

#writeblr #this is a mashup of like 3 dates i accidentally went on lol #by that i mean that i was out with a woman on a date in 2 of these situations #and a man just. joined us. and we were too awkward to say anything while he tried to ''date'' me #& one was a longterm friend that i was like. you what???? #like he's nice he's a doctor and my mom was SO happy she was like raquel think about it #''it's a perfect love story you grew up together and reconnected as adults and like the same things and he's friends with ur brother #and his sister is one of ur close friends!!!'' #yes but alas. he is a boy . she only likes girls. can i make it any more obvious #anyway im tryna write about like the force of male attention being actually incredibly ingrained to women like we are SUPPOSED to like it #it's seen as the only important thing #even if ur gay #and it's a nuanced thing idk #and while rn i i.d. as lesbian #like .... it wouldn't be UNTRUE to say i am probably like ''cusp bisexual'' bc i CAN experience attraction to men bc like . #sexuality is fluid... #don't tell straight ppl tho bc they do not understand the concept that ppl don't necessarily need a solid everlasting label #they're like GET in the BOX #if ur gay & in boston i'm 30 and pretty please come kiss me. #(i usually only date older ppl sorry in advance tho)