#just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories

[oflgtfol]

i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh

#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023 #where i referenced sitting in a dining hall #and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?! #im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH #brot posts #it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me #and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me #although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was #like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person. #like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again #but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry #and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing #just by being back in that environment again? #even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past #so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past #like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly #this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021 #this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services #just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories #oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill #but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition

[nosoulbackguarantee]

Transcience

I miss everything all the time. Life just lets you borrow and then takes. I feel transient feelings, all the time, subjectively good, some bad, some mixed and complicated, then times passes, this too shall pass and I will likely look back on this like I do with all the moments of my life, with some nostalgia, I laid awake last night vividly recalling random things from my memory, from high school, childhood, college.. and it feels like such a strange feeling, I look around in my memory lets say a room perhaps and I notice I can’t completely recall things, it’s kind of blurry but my mind just fills in the blanks here and there, with colors, sizes, contexts, it’s all really peculiar and strange. I miss life, I like where I am right now, don’t get me wrong but I just miss everything, I miss yesterday and last week, I miss being a kid, being in college, my old mentors, my old friends, the novelty of something that has been worn thin. I miss it all, life is such a strange venture. and it makes it even more strange to have this vivid image of death looming over me. Not knowing when it’ll strike, assuming it’ll be old age but knowing age will eventually take its toll, knowing that time is running out, it’s a freighting experience, it’s peculiar to think about the people we meet, the relationships we form with others, the measure we all take to deal with this peculiar experience. idk what to do. I just hope to do my best, I want to make an impact that’s for sure, but the more vividly I look at my hands, the more that I learn about life, science, the universe and the more my awareness grows off my humanity the more isolated I feel. The more doomed I feel to be given the condition of humanity, I also feel blessed but cursed, I smile at the blessing that is life and consciousness, especially given the context of the 21st century and the country that I live in but I still feel those feelings. Do no mistake this feelings and thoughts with depression or victim mentality. It’s far from that, it’s just a very deep profound, pensive, gloomy weight that I carry around me, I still work hard, I still work out as if it matters, I still play to the pleasures of the flesh but I always have those eyes staring back at me. Reminding me of my transience and limits. It feels cathartic and haunting. I miss life already, even though I’m still here. I feel so fucking strange and I have no words for it. Ambivalence wouldn’t be enough to describe it.

You can’t quite hold on to anything. You’re given things and they will fade eventually. 

#gloomy #ambivalence #nostalgia