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thebibliomancer · 6 years

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #186: Nights of Wundagore!

August, 1979

And yet this issue features exactly zero Wundagore Knights. Missed opportunity is all I’m saying.

Also, we’re back to faces of varying degrees of pissed off and indifferent on the cover.

AND. WE LOST MINI-VISION WHO WAS ALWAYS IN THE LOGO! I didn’t notice but last issue didn’t have mini-Vision! Whether standing and pouting or phasing through the A and also pouting he’s been with us since... ISSUE 93!

CHANGE IS BAD!

Also bad is Wanda’s expression on the cover. This is nitpicky but the terror gape doesn’t work for her. I accept that she’ll end up in distress quite a lot and some of that distress will be for dumb reasons like Sentinels wanting to use her womb to kill all life on Earth.

But I think an expression like ‘fuck you and your wi-fi shirt’ would be more fitting. Its certainly more fitting to how she handles it within the comic. Which we’ll get to. As soon as I stop complaining.

...

So last time: after a mentally dubious old man entered their lives and tried to kidnap them by stuffing their souls into puppets, Wanda and Pietro (aka Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver) decided to willingly go with this attempted kidnapper back to Europe to find out if he’s their real dad or whatever. They thought their real dad was the Whizzer but if your dad called himself the Whizzer wouldn’t you entertain possibilities?

Shortly after arriving, Wanda was convinced by Modred, the Wi-Fi Wizard (not his real title) to come with him up a spooky mountain. He offered no reason for this so she followed him anyway. Inevitably, it turned out he had sinister motives and shot her in the back.

The following morning, Quicksilver went looking for Wanda but then fell down a mountain after bonking off an energy shield. It was, perhaps unintentionally, hilarious. He was rescued by Bova, the cow-woman nursemaid who helped birth him.

On the Avengers side of this Avengers book, through a sequence of events that were partially but not entirely Hawkeye’s fault, the Avengers lost their special government privileges and times were tough for a while. They finally managed to get them back but in exchange had to suffer the SJW agenda of Agent Henry Peter Gyrich who thinks that the Avengers should have an African-American on the roster. THE FIEND. The takeaway from this is that the Avengers are under the thumb of Gyrich and also Falcon is on the team. Yay, Falcon!

And now: “The most bizarre Avengers epic ever told!”

Which. I’m just going to go right ahead and state for the record. Unless it has someone marry a tree, second-place is the best it can get. I don’t care how much baby fraud is involved.

So. Quicksilver wakes up in the cabin of Bova who makes him some milk soup to help restore his strength.

I don’t want to know the level of making it involved. And damn you Mark Gruenwald, Steven Grant, and David Michelinie for specifically making it milk soup, thus raising the question.

Anyway. Some hot soup. He’ll need it to endure THREE PAGES OF EXPOSITION AND RETCON.

Bova is dropping some backstory truth bombs.

Starting with her own backstory. She was once a simple cow but then the High Evolutionary turned her into a cow woman because he was going to make a lot of genetically engineered animal human babies and as a busy science guy he wasn’t going to be raising these babies himself.

During a period while he was busy making anthropomorphic animals and perhaps causing Jessica Drew’s origin story, a pregnant refugee named Magda came to Wundagore.

She was fleeing a megalomaniac husband with strange powers and dreams of world conquest. Afraid that his madness would corrupt the children, she fled before he even found out she was pregnant.

Oh and lets not be vague, although the comic is.

MAGNETO MASTER OF MAGNET is Quicksilver’s new daddy.

Although since Bova herself never found that out neither does Quicksilver here.

Anyway, since Bova was in charge of all babies she made an executive decision to extend asylum to Magda. The High Evolutionary was busy doing science stuff with Jonathan Drew in the towers of Wundagore. He won’t mind.

Bova and Magda became close over the weeks so that when it came time to cow midwife for Magda “it was more privilege than duty.”

Weirdly, Wanda was a glowing baby, thus heralding the beginning of Quirks and the hero society!

No, no.

But it was a weird portent. Baby Wanda glowed just as the mountain was doing so. That probably bodes.

Oh, and then Magda died.

Not in childbirth, as you might suspect. No, she just packed up and wandered off into the snow to die some days after giving birth.

Because if she were alive Magneto might find her and find out that he had children.

Wait a damn minute.

Two kids. Evil dad. Mom dies. ... Did George Lucas rip off this story when making Revenge of the Sith?

I don’t think we can prove he didn’t.

Anyway. I GUESS Magda just assumed that Bova would take care of her children forever?

Joke’s on her.

Bova immediately goes to the High Evolutionary like ‘I have these two extra babies, what do?’

(Also weird bit of continuity here: the High Evolutionary is remarked as looking weary from some great conflict at this point in the story. Apparently during Magda’s stay in Wundagore, the High Evolutionary had been busy battling the demon Chthon alongside his Knights of Wundagore, eventually banishing the demon with the power of SCIENCE and ABOMINATIONS AGAINST NATURE. Of course this all happened because some jerk werewolf who killed Jessica Drew’s mom tried to use the Darkhold to cure his lycanthropy. What a jerk.)

Anyway, despite being tired from kicking demon ass, the High Evolutionary decided to help deal with all these extra babies. As long as he can do it in the laziest way possible that doesn’t involve child-endangerment.

So the High Evolutionary summoned Robert and Madeline Frank (the Whizzer and Miss America) who were visiting Transia while Madeline was pregnant.

Transia has unexpectedly high traffic for such a tiny Balkan nation.

The plan was that Bova would just sort of. Give the Franks two extra babies after Madeline gave birth. And. Hope she didn’t notice that two of these babies are several days old instead of newborns and also don’t question giving birth to triplets.

This is a good plan.

Unfortunately, radiation makes fools of us all. Remember how that was a thing that Madeline had accidentally been exposed to a ludicrous amount of radiation?

Her baby was born deformed and stillborn. And Madeline herself died shortly after birth.

Bova tried to make lemonade out of the situation by offering two healthy suspiciously not newborn babies to Robert Frank but as discussed in the previous and now fake origin for Wanda and Pietro, Robert Frank (aka the Whizzer) is really bad at dealing with grief.

He ran the fuck away, leaving behind two babies with a bemused cow-woman midwife.

So the High Evolutionary decided to get EVEN LAZIER (but still with zero child endangerment).

Forget shenanigans and baby shell games.

The High Evolutionary just went to a Roma (and no, not the word used) tribe camped nearby, went up to Django and Marya Maximoff and yelled HEY DO YOU WANT SOME FREE BABIES??

Since the Maximoffs had recently lost their own children Ana and Mateo they responded most logically to this floating, glowing, shouting pink armor man and accepted these free babies.

And that is the completely straightforward and completely accurate backstory for Wanda and Pietro that explains why they had memories of growing up in a Roma tribe, why the Whizzer thought that they were his kids, and why their secret parentage is much more exploitable for drama.

And now that everything is straight I’m sure this story will never change again or get more complicated.

Despite how simple this explanation is, Pietro finds it all hard to remember. Bova attributes that to the trauma of loss, believing his foster parents had died. Then again, the multiple concussions he must have suffered in the course of his superheroic career constantly running headfirst into stuff may have played a part.

Quicksilver brings up that despite all this explanation he still doesn’t know who his dad is.

Bova: “Then take my word that you know enough! Please!”

More importantly, Bova tells him to get his sister and then get the hell away from Wundagore. There’s danger afoot. Ahoof? No, she has hands and apparently feet. Afoot.

But when she learns that Wanda had disappeared, Bova fears that its already too late.

AND FINALLY after all that exposition and retcons (which don’t get me wrong, I loved. I don’t think its good storytelling, I think its a spaghetti nonsense, but its entertaining nonsense and that’s what matters to me) we finally get back to what Wanda is up to.

She was on the cover for pete’s sake!

Anyway, she’s jesusing over the altar and Darkhold, just as is suggested on the cover.

Modred, the Wi-Fi Wizard, reveals some choice deets about his own motivation and backstory.

Apparently he used to combat the Darkhold’s efforts to hold sway over the Earth but after battling Chthon in Marvel Chillers #2, Modred realized that the demon was an agent of destiny and dangit it was Modred’s destiny to help him achieve a new world order!

Modred, you suggestible fool, thinks Wanda, more or less.

Idiot or no, Modred’s magic is far stronger than Wanda’s barely trained efforts. She couldn’t even weaken his Bind Person spell with her level.

But she can cheat.

She uses her mutant probability altering powers to just sorta create a probability where the Hold Person spell just turns off.

To Modred’s irritation, she jumps off the floating Darkhold as she escapes the spell. Rude, Wanda.

Even though ‘the master’ has said she is not to be killed, nobody said anything about “the administration of discipline!” Which thankfully takes the form of magic bolts.

Wanda is able to hold him off with her own magic bolts but he’s still far stronger than her. That didn’t change just because I hit enter several times.

Even using her mutant power to create a sphere to repulse his bolts is for naught.

As her defenses fall, she begs Modred to stop.

Scarlet Witch: “A-all right! I believe you! J-just stop! Please -- stop!”

Modred: “Thou dost... yield? Verily, I be disappointed. I would have thought thou to be a more determined opponent.”

Scarlet Witch: “I am, Modred. I just realized that I can’t fight you on your level. But there are other levels. Like, for instance, what the mortals of this world call -- a roundhouse left!”

PAWNCH!

I gotta say. I love the trope of someone winning a magic duel by decking the other person in the face.

Unfortunately (for Wanda’s own peace of mind), she’s too good at punching. And punched Modred right off the damn mountain.

She laments having killed a person, even if millions of lives were saved by foiling the plans of Modred’s master.

And then Modred shoots her in the back. AGAIN.

He’s such a dick.

Modred rants at the unconscious witch that she was chosen at birth to be a vessel for his master’s second coming and the time of that rising is now.

Dammit Modred!

Later and also elsewhere, Quicksilver prepares to set back out.

He thanks Bova for the truth bombs and for fixing his costume. But now he must find Wanda before-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

GIANT SKY FACE

Ahem. Wanda is now an angry sky face. Or perhaps the entity now piloting Wanda.

She says she should kill him but she still has some human compassion from the previous owner.

So instead Possessed!Wanda just fires some warning eye lighting at Quicksilver telling him to gtfo or die.

Quicksilver wants to or die but Bova convinces him to go get outside help instead. Reluctantly, Quicksilver bows down to this ‘bovine logic.’

And yes the comic actually calls it that. How does bovine logic differ from people logic? Well in this case, the cow is smarter than the Quicksilver. Less impetuous anyway.

So Quicksilver runs down the mountain which is a lot less painful than falling down it but unexpectedly runs into Django Maximoff, the possibly dementia suffering old man who is Quicksilver’s foster father and really more of a father than Magneto ever was.

Honestly, its been changed so much that I don’t actually care about the Maximoff’s parentage. I’ve enjoyed Dadneto material, like him showing up for the most awkward thanksgiving dinner ever in the Vision and Scarlet Witch miniseries (the very same one where she gets magic pregnant). Him confessing to Finesse in Avengers Academy that the murder robots he used to send to murder Quicksilver for training reasons were actually programmed to take it easy on him. There’s good Dadneto material. I do get annoyed that Django gets brushed aside.

He’s the one who actually raised the twins but he’s not considered their ‘real’ dad because he doesn’t share DNA with them except I think the most recent retcon made it that he was the biological father but my point still stands.

Dadneto is fine. But remember Django Maximoff who did the hard parenting work that Magneto didn’t.

And let’s also remember Uncle Owen, Aunt Beru, and Bail Organa. Who raised another set of important twins from a big, menacing villain.

But I digress.

Anyway, Django went looking for Quicksilver but decided to tarry in the forest. He’s always loved this forest. Its where he fled to when those villagers burned down his camp. He’s always felt safe here.

Cue the irony.

As the forest becomes animate almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Evil Dead, and captures Quicksilver and Django.

Quicksilver does the thing that speedsters do when bound. Vibrates super fast until the binding breaks.

He then runs around in a circle punching wood until Django is free, although the old man does complain that Quicksilver shouldn’t harm the wood. “It’s special! And it was so friendly before I... I don’t understand.”

Quicksilver ignores this and NYOOMS away with Django in his arms.

And then nature loses its shit. Or maybe Possessed!Wanda loses her shit on nature’s behalf.

There’s suddenly

STORMS. With LIGHTNING and a rain of fire and rocks and is Wundagore actually a volcano how does it just rain fire and rocks??

Oh there’s also earthquakes that open chasms that try to swallow up Quicksilver but he NYOOMS through all these dangers to arrive back at the village.

The post office has the only phone in town so Quicksilver pamb pambs on the door and asks to use it to make an emergency call to--

THE AVENGERS!

Remember, this is an Avengers book. Guest-starring the Avengers.

Broodmeister Vision is on monitor duty so he intercepts the call.

Elsewhere in the mansion, the Avengers are eating dinner and talking about Iron Man while he’s not there.

Demon in a Bottle is still concurrent and we’ve reached the part of the story where an armor malfunction caused Iron Man to accidentally manslaughter a foreign ambassador.

Needless to say, this caused a big stink and he’s currently under investigation until it can be proven that it was a malfunction.

While he’s gone, Captain America is acting chairman.

That’s why he gets to sit at the head of the table. Being chairman comes with perks.

Also, a sort of weird details is that if they have them, the Avengers take off their gloves to eat. I don’t know if that is weird. I don’t wear gloves constantly. But it looks weird. Without her gloves, Ms Marvel looks even more like she’s just wearing a swimsuit everywhere.

Anyway, Vision ghosts through the wall and tells them to belay that meal, there’s grave danger ahoof!

Vision: “Quicksilver just called, saying that Wanda has been possessed by some preternatural power -- causing her to wreak elemental destruction over an area of miles!”

Captain America orders everyone to doubletime to the Quinjet hanger but he gets countermanded.

By Agent Henry Peter Gyrich.

Who offers the reasons that 1) Quicksilver is not an active Avenger so they’re not obligated to give him the time of day, 2) there’s no proof that whatever is going on in Bulgaria is a threat to US security, and 3) come on guys, don’t just be flying where you like we don’t need another international incident like the one Iron Man caused. No, not killing the ambassador. ANOTHER international incident. The man is rolling in them.

Cap has had enough and stalks off to make a phone call.

And just one panel of Beast making implied threats towards Gyrich later, the agent receives a phone call.

He yells into the receiver that he’s not to be disturbed but WHOOPS just yelled at his boss.

Agent Henry Peter Gyrich: “That was the *ahem* Commander-in-Chief. He’s requested that the Avengers leave on a, uh, ‘good-will tour’ or Bulgaria. Right away. you can wipe that smirk off your face now, captain.”

It is quite an impressive smirk.

And wow. To think that Cap could just go over Gyrich’s head like that by calling Jimmy Carter.

I can only speculate that he didn’t do it until now because Gyrich was an asshole but had a point.

Anyway, Gyrich is still an asshole.

Out of spite or assholishness or spiteful assholishness, he demands that Vision stay at the mansion.

Because he is on the duty roster for monitor duty and per regulations someone must be on monitor duty at all times.

(I refuse to believe that this regulation is ever actually obeyed. The Avengers almost never leave someone at home)

Vision takes issue with this and offers to introduce Gyrich to punches but Cap stops him.

One punch and they could lose all those privileges that they’ve worked so hard off-panel to get back! And apparently Cap only has so many favors to call in with Jimmy Carter!

But he promises that the Avengers will find Wanda and take care of her.

Vision agrees but darkly promises that this matter will be settled.

And then he tries to take over the world. Well, not for years and under the influence of an alien supercomputer and probably not directly related to this. But I imagine that once he had taken over the government, he would have had Gyrich reassigned to Antarctica.

Meanwhile, six time zones away in Transia, Quicksilver worries that due to a bad connection the Avengers may not have understood his message.

And then he explodes.

Because Possessed!Wanda has found them.

Chthon!Wanda: “No, you old fool! For at least, I’ve purged this vessel of its last taint of humanity, it’s last wisp of soul! There is no Ana Maximoff! There is not Wanda Frank! Now, there is only... CHTHON!”

And Wanda has a new evil and thus sexy costume. Its actually kind of stylish.

Although one must wonder why a being like Chthon would even dress his host body up in an evil, sexy outfit. Maybe even demons are bound by the tropes of the genre.

Also, dammit Chthon! Bova just sewed up Quicksilver’s outfit and here you are blowing it to tatters again!

Have you no respect for the bovine logic of the cow-woman midwife!

You truly are heinous!

Next time: The call of the mountain THING!

Damn. That’s a great title.

Follow @essential-avengers. Its the dedicated sideblog for this series. Its... eventually going to be caught up.

#Avengers #Modred the Mystic #Wi Fi Wizard #Chthon #Scarlet Witch #Quicksilver #Bova the cow midwife #Django Maximoff #Captain America #the Vision #Henry Peter Gyrich #some other avengers were on panel but didn't do much #Essential Avengers #Essential marvel liveblogging #Bova serves some hot soup and some hotter retcons #Cap calls in a favor from Jimmy #even demons can't ignore tropes

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