#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

vent-

my bfff asked me to come thru to socal bc she said she needed me to be here. From the get go I told her that I was unemployed and had no typa funds so idk how I would pay for anything. She was hella like no no dude its okay and ill talk to your parents, so she swooped me from our hometown the last week of may with her quarantboo. i told her I would drive halfway and she was lowkey upset so by the time we were 40 miles away she was like can we buy alc. so im like okiiii so her boo and her bought alc, like within 15 mins home girl finished a whole bottle of Malibu to herself. Maybe like 30 mins later shes like jai I have to pee and her boo was like nah nah keep driving and im like nah if she has to pee its okiii so we pulled to the side of the road and homegirl blacked tf out while her boo was helping her boo and she started hella yackinnnn. And so we had to fix her throw up and so basically she was booty cheek ass naked and mind you its freaking broad daylight so im like telling her boo hurry we have to haul ass so this doesnt look sus. Long story short, I drove the entire way, paid for gas and paid for food while she was blacked out and her boo was in the back with her

We got to her brothers place in la and she was still hungover asf and didnt remember shit. She fell asleep while showering. And like the next day I was so dead from the drive and shes like cleaning and I asked her if she needed help. And shes like no im okay. So I go ahead and start packing bc she got a place in lb so we were leaving her brothers apt. and then we get to lb and her mans was going to come over and I told her hey if he is going to come over can he at least bring water bc we have no typa groceries. And shes like omg no thats embarrassing and im like oh okay and then he comes thru and she tells him how I haven’t done shit and she cleaned the whole place and how she paid for the place in lb and I was like damn thats a slap across the face bc i told you my situation from the get go lol so then like I just mind my business and then im like she makes it seem like Im not going to help out so like the next day I spend $500 in groceries, and her and her boo aint say shit or say thank you or anything

Then like im like okay thats fine, at least i am able to contribute in some way so I end up being cleaning lady, cooking lady, house lady bc I felt like damn im living here for free lemme at least try and help in someway. But homegirl has a problem where she blacks the fuck out and doesnt remember when shes drinking. So the same day I got groceries and she was in class and her boo was having people over and he was drinking and they got into a fight bc she felt fomo, so this girl drinks two trulys and she is alrdy fucked the fuck up and he gives her two shots of henny and she yacks, and I have to clean it and calm her down, and I tell her boo to bring her to the bathroom pls while I clean her yack and shes like going off on him in the bathroom and his friends are like okii I think we need to leave and her boo is like no no its coo and they’re like nah dude yall should handle that and so shes in the bathroom and shes like cussing him out but I didnt know bc I was clean up crew, and she goes off for like a half hour and half until she passes out booty cheek ass naked in the shower, her boo probably walked out like thirty minutes ago and so I checked up on him and hes like I cant handle that disrespect ya feel me and hes like I applaud you for being able to be so calm and so then I was his therapist/counselor and by that time it was like 2-3am so I told him ima call it a night and if he needs anything to wake me

Apparently I was passed the fuck out so he didnt wake me up but homegirl yacked on him and peed so he had to handle that alone and didnt sleep until like 5am and im like omg shiiii and then its like 6:30am and she comes to my room hella crying and im like omg what happened are you okay and shes like what did I do I dont remember what happened so I told her and shes like omg im so embarrassed and thats so bad and im like yeah dude you were cussing him out and went off on him and shes like I think hes mad at me I dont want him to leave me and im like nah dude I dont think hes going to leave you but I think you should let him sleep bc he hasn’t slept at all and shes hella persistent like no I want and need to talk to him and im like dude you have class soon you have to focus on that we’ll handle it later and I go talk to her boo and hes like over it but then eventually they make up bc I was like mediator and shit

Then it happens the next day where she gets fucked up over like three trulys and shes like in the tub again yacking and throwing a fit at him and hes like honestly I dont want to deal with this disrespect again and im like no I feel it its okay I understand ill handle it… then I am her therapist and counselor and tell her she needs to calm down but I guess she just be internalizing their fights and everything to the next level soooo yeah…. And then like a couple days go by and like its the weekend and I got invited to go to my other friends boyfriends friends graduation party where basically all hell happened….

So basically I got picked up by my other friend and main homegirl and her boo were spending the day together mind you I started drinking by like 2pm and it was probably like 7pm and home girls texts me that shes alone at the park by herself bc they got into something so im like okay come thru and she comes thru and like maybe like 10 mins in she is alrdy fucked up…. And im like laying on the floor chilling and I get up and im like oh fuck where is she and so I find her upstairs with my guy friend and she was alrdy fucked up yacking and he was helping her and im like omg I can handle this and hes like no its okay she needs help and so shes like jai jai call my boo and im like okay okay and so I call her boo and hes like out with his friends and he hangs up and tells me he doesnt want to deal with her disrespect so he’ll let me handle it and im like no worries enjoy your friend time and then she just goes berserk…. She cusses everyone out, she yacks, she goes face first down the stairs, she breaks my friends fan and she was just going off, and instantly kills everyones vibes… and shes like booty cheek ass naked and like thats just hella embarrassing not just to my other friend but to her housemates who own the house, but to like everyone….. and so my friend was like jai she has to go and im like okay but shes fucked up and everyone went to fucked up to sober so fast bc of homegirl… and so I said ill handle it on my own… so I was alone in the bathroom with home girl and she was going off on me and I like broke down and I was so embarrassed bc like I didnt come to socal for this….and eventually me, my friend, her housemate and my guy friend help me bring homegirl home back to our place and I packed all my shit that night while she was passed out… and im like I cant do it this is the last straw…

So Im telling her boo the update and how we are home and she lost her phone and hes like thank you for updating me and I say im packing bc I cant do this anymore and hes like dont leave her youre her rock and im like no im not leaving her but like damn that was just too much for me… and then I wake up at 6am and shes awake and asks what happened and I told her and im in tears and I said ima leave but I didnt and then we get ready to go to church bc her boo was expecting us to go to church and it was hella awkward bc my friend was texting me saying wtf happened and her house mates feel a way and I was trying to move in with them so they’re like questioning me as a person and if im drama bc of how last night turned out …. And pretty much I apologize via text to my friend and her housemates bc that was so embarrassing and they dont really react to what happened or say much. So we went to church and we met her boo and after we get food and it was like an awkward lunch bc her and I get confrontational and her boo was like well you have a wonderful down real ass friend right here and she was like thank you for the intermission but lets go and her boo was like so was this like in one ear and out the other and im like yup and she replies like no I just dont think we can dwell in the past so they decide to go to the mall and im on the phone with my friend and my mom bc im updating them on the shits that happened so then we leave the mall and we drop him off and then her and I drive in silence and go to our rooms and im on the phone with my friend and homegirl goes to sleep in her room and then I check on her and the door is locked so im like okay and then we have to go to pm church and we drive again in silence

And I start having an anxiety/panic attack and so im like dude im not right rn and so I have to collect myself and she doesnt really say much… and then I collect myself then we meet her boo and we go to church and she was like not in the mood but I wanted to do something and her boo and his friends wanted to go to the brewery but then she was like I dont want to be the reason yall dont do anything so lets go but first I need to get my phone, so we stop by my friends place to get homegirls phone and my friend tells homegirl to be mindful next time and everything…. And then thats that and we leave to go meet up at the brewery and I order 3 flights of beer which is like 12 in total LMAO bc it has been A MF DAY and its coo bc she isn’t really down with beer anyways and so we go and then head home and her boo and his friends come over with Seagrams which is like 3% alc and then we are all chilling and shit then his friend asks homegirl for her permission if her boo can go out Friday night for his birthday and shes like why do you need to ask for my permission and so for an hour the friend is trying to convince her to let him go and its in front of everyone and she walks out and were all like oh fucking fuck then her boo comes back and says that she cried it all out and they talked and everything so she comes back and apologizes to the friend and then like we all call it a night

Then like the next day its just like I stay in bed until like 2pm and go back to sleep bc im so tired and then its like 4pm and im like hey can you bring me to my titas in la and her and her boo seemed hella upset bc they were supposed to work out and everything…. But I was like hey I have to go tho bc my tita is waiting for me and she has work and so she drops him off and then drops me off at la and im like hey I wanna say I dont hate you and I am not mad and dont think I am abandoning you and shes like no dude im fine and im over it im never going to see those girls ever again and im sure im out of that housing living situation so dont worry and shes like I told my parents how you and I need space from one another and they were really confused and she was like yeah they’re like but youre so easy going why do yall need space and I laughed and was like yeah youre not easy going when youre drinking and then the rest of the car ride was silent and awkward and I asked her if she needed gas money or anything and shes like no im okay and im fine and then she hella just seemed like she was over it and wanted to rush back to her mans… and I could tell that.. I walked her back to her car and shes like call me if you need anything and im like yeah thank you, take care text me when you get home safe and the 15th is the last time her and I spoke…

I mean I dont expect her to pay me back for groceries or anything, if she wanted to pay me she could have and if she didnt thats okay too I dont expect shit in return yaknooo like thats just me and thats my heart if I am down for you ima just be hella down for you like we’ve been friends since high school yaknoo and like I needed space bc like I didnt come here to be your care giver but dont think I left bc Im over you like yeah I may have been petty and upset but I alrdy know how she is when she gets a mans she forgets me and focuses on the relationship, I appreciate the fact that her mans was okiii with me yaknoo and made that effort and he knows ive only shown goodness to her and to him, I know there is something deeper within her I could tell when she came back to cali and when I saw her in feb she wasn’t okay, I told her I dont think shes mentally stable and I broke down saying I really dont know who she is when shes drunk and shes looking to fill the void that she feels and how she cant push me and him away when we are trying to be there for her I mean if anything I helped her be able to communicate with him a whole lot better yet she didnt communicate anything with me except her relationship and feels she has for him, i guess it just sucks bc like I never knew that we’d end up like this lol she still views my ig stories and has my location I think its kinda funny bc like I honestly really came here because of her and for her yaknoo and I texted her around 7pm today and like I know she saw my text and she just didnt react to it and I know shes home so idk dude

A part of me feels stupid bc its like why am I so down for people I love, yet its like damn I didnt know I had to question whether or not youre as down for me *kanye shrugs* maybe my heart really be so damn big and forgiving, I feel the tears in my eyeballs wanting to flow out I guess I didnt realize how much it hurts me til right now lol

#jhalexpersonal #ventsesh

[itzjhay]

Perception ~

I've come to this realization where it honestly makes me want to burst into tears. There's so much around me that's happening. And I'm in that boat where I have lost a majority of my hope that I once had. It sucks how that's happened. But I have to accept these things. I'm not as close to my friends as I once was and there's no one to blame except both parties. Myself in particular comes along to the fault of shutting them out and not making effort. They come to a fault of not taking things in the way I see it and also not making an effort. No one necessarily understands you. No one. But I'm at that point where I see these things and I just think maybe I've out grown things. I'm at a loss where I'm on a journey to find myself. My true self. I don't know if anyone can possibly comprehend what I mean since I am a highly complicated, indecisive person. But I am a lost individual trying to find herself in this crazy world. It's a difficult task but somehow I will manage to find myself. It will be a bumpy ride and I may come to the end and find that I may be alone or that the people that I thought had given up will be there waiting. But in all actuality I personally think I will come to the end of this alone but also a stronger person. Why you may ask? Because at the end of this I will not only find myself but I will then know the meaning and worth of this life that I honestly have no clue about. 

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

Remember when you told me after break that you're tired of me.

you know why you're tired of me? Because I'm not that best friend that I used to be. I'm not that girl anymore. She's matured and she looks at the world differently than she once did. She's changed, she's different and you're expecting her to be her old self when in reality that old self is long gone because of all the pain she has had to deal with. A part of her will always be in your heart and that's what kills you because that girl that was your best friend has faded away from you. It kills you because you don't want to admit that you don't know me anymore. Because matter of fact you don't. You're not familiar with this girl that was always so happy and strong. Why you may ask? It is because you weren't there to see her drown herself with misery. You say you were there but you just watched. You watched closely how everything killed her and all you constantly wish for is for that girl to be happy. But it's too late because she's broken, she's lost hope, she's numb, and most importantly she's not the same girl you once looked up to. Accept that.

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

If you think I'm upset over the fact of a boy. You obviously don't know me well enough after all these years.. Don't come to conclusions with me and say "...they got in an argument.. friendzoned.." Like no. Stop, I don't want to hear it. I'm not upset over that. I'm upset because I have the courage to open up and tell you these things and all you do is make me feel like shit even more than I already am by bitching and gassing at me. You were one of the few to get so upset when I shut out and pushed people aside. So once I try to open up and talk to you about things like before you blast on me. When you talk to me nowadays I feel like garbage. I feel irrelevant and worthless. I feel as if you'd rather be with or doing something else than listen. Yeah, I understand that you're being straight up but you talk with so much attitude with me. I know I messed up once but that doesn't technically mean you have to snap at me ever so often. Do you even realize how much it hurts me for you to treat me the way you treat me? No, you don't. You don't even bother to consider how I feel. As much as you try to understand me you NEVER will. 

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

I've stayed strong for too fucking long. And I've tried to get back up over and over again. It's so difficult to do so, but I managed; but I've shattered constantly over and over again. And I can't take it anymore. I'm shattered glass. The super glue is slipping and it can't hold the glass together like it once did. It's not strong enough like before. And the people that surround the shattered glass try to fix piece by piece but along the way they grow impatient and tired. So they leave the broken glass just the way it is; broken. They give up because what's the point of fixing the shattered glass if it's too stubborn to try one last time. I don't know how long it will be to fix this shattered glass.. And I don't know if this shattered glass will be able to make it through any longer..

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

I don't like talking about things. I don't like opening up to people, so if I open up to you you're pretty fucking special. If you force me to talk about things I'm most likely never going to want to talk to you about things. 

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

Numbest as can be,

I wish you understood how I felt. I wish you didn't think I choose to be depressed. I wish you didn't think I choose to be unhappy.  You out of all people, you, my best friend. You know me better than that. Or do you? Do you even know me anymore? or have you forgotten who I am now?.. I don't choose to be like this. It's just happened with everything I've struggled with. Yeah, people have it worse than I do, but a person has their boundaries and limits. A person can only take so much in. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Don't you dare tell me I'm feeling sorry for myself.. You don't know how I feel. You don't know what it's like to feel so alone and lost. You don't know what it feels like when your parents think you're crazy and worthless and want to ship you off to other relatives. You don't know what it's like to lose your grandpa who was your best friend to lung cancer. You don't know what it's like to be walked on and stepped over all the time. You don't know what it's like for people to just leave and walk out on you like nothing. You don't know how it feels like to be in the hospital and your almost near dying. You don't know what it's like to go to the doctor's every week. You don't know what it's like to take 10 different kinds of medicine on the daily. You don't know what it's like to almost die. You don't know what it feels like when you just stop breathing and your mom is screaming at you and slapping your for you to stay awake. You don't know what it feels like for one of your family members to sexually harass you. You don't know what it's like to cry yourself every night for a year because you feel like you have no worth. You don't know how it feels like to try to love someone and give them a chance but they end up just leaving you like nothing. You don't know what it's like for your happiness to fade away.. so don't you fucking dare tell me that I'm depressed, that I choose to be unhappy, that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.. Don't you fucking dare. 

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

You,

You're so much like me and it's crazy. It's crazy how alike I can be to someone. I woulda never imagined to have so much in common with someone. It puts me in awe. But I'm so fragile now. My feelings for you.. Honestly, I don't want to have feelings for you, but they're developing.. I've been hurt so much in the past that I'm not sure if I'm willing to take another heart break. I've already taken risks with you. Like letting you in my life, talking to you every single day/night, late night phone calls, opening up, asking you to my school formal and kissing you.. That's already enough to cause me hurt. I know you won't do anything to hurt me intentionally, but there's still a chance that you will one day... It may not be soon but it will eventually happen. I know I'm being so negative about that. But I've gotten accustomed to it. To people getting tired and walking out. The thing with me is I love too much all too fast. I wish I didn't but I was taught to love with everything that you have. That's how I was raised. I don't think anyone would understand the amount of love I can have for a person. And I'm not fit for a relationship. Everyone says I'm wifey material, but I really don't care whether or not I am. I'm okay with helping others with all their problems and struggles but I can never help myself. It's just so hard to take on my advice. The way I feel for you can not be defined in words because in all actuality I have no idea how I feel. All I know is that I love talking to you, and I find everything about you really intriguing. I don't want to have a 'what if' moment, I don't want to miss out on something that could impact my life. So I guess I'll just continue taking risks, and going with the flow,

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

I hate talking to my parents.. Cause all they say is I’m a terrible daughter.. And I only think of myself and I’m selfish and that’s why I have no friends.. And that’s why I lost them. And it’s my fault.. And if they die its my fault.. Bah.. I just stood there crying the whole time.. Way to make me feel shit.. 😞 I'm sorry I can't reach the expectations you guys have for me. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you guys wanted. I try to be.. I honestly do. But I guess I'm not good enough for you.. I'm sorry I'm such a burden..

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

Done.

I don't understand why you came by. I know you said you wanted to drop off my stuff I gave you but I honestly feel like that was just an excuse to see me. I know that sounds conceited, but I'm glad I saw you. Even though it wasn't like how we usually are it was a sense of closure. I don't have to worry about giving your stuff back or seeing it in my closet. Or anything that reminds me of you. We've officially broken ties from one another. You're officially out of my life. We're officially done. And honestly it doesn't hurt as it did before. But all this is all said and done. I realize you did care. You did at one point but it was temporary. I wish it wasn't temporary but I'm thankful for everything. Goodbye Sean thank you for all the memories and for knowing you but goodbye have a good life with Janelle. (-: I wish you two the best. And I wish you a happy rest of your life.

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

You know what sucks?

It sucks when I put so much effort into you and you just gave up and left. Even though you say you didn't, I know you did. I know you're happy with her. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy like that. I'm sorry distance was a problem. I'm sorry. I just want to know if your feelings were ever real. Because if you really did care you wouldn't have walked out that fast. I know it's dumb of me to go on and talk about this but I don't feel comfortable talking to someone about this. I'd rather tell tumblr and let all these people I follow listen to my depressing thoughts. lol. but anyways I just.. I just wish I meant something to you. Because honestly since this new girl is in your life I feel like I was just your rebound. Don't say I wasn't because I was. You lied to me. You said you and you're girlfriend were done but I guess you weren't. You'd switch off from me and her and now you have a new girl. You said all the right things. You did all the right things but all of that wasn't real. it's dumb of me for even writing this. But you have no idea how I feel. You don't know. You don't know how hard it is for me to shake it off, to forgive you, to see you happy with someone else, to lose friends, to lose myself.. You know all that hurt I've been thru and you hurt me thru all of that. you know what that feels like.. That feels like a constant stabbing throughout my whole entire body. I wish I didn't feel like this numbness, but I do. Because I was a rebound. I was temporary. I was nothing. I was a lie. And I cared for you so much, I was a complete idiot, and you just watched me love you and you just left like the wind.. Thanks. 

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

December 22

Seeing all my family today was a nice feeling. I missed the togetherness of everything. I've longed for it so much. But there was one thing missing.. My cousins. It was so different. Being without them is so different. I'm still not used to it. I'm glad Ira called me. It was so relieving to here her voice again. I wish she wasn't on the whole other side of the world.. It upset me to hear her balling and saying how she wants to die. We grew up together, we know everything, we were always together when we were younger and in her time in need I'm not there and it sucks. It sucks so bad. Because all her emotions are taking over her. I understand her. She's had a rough life. Everyone has. I just wanted hug her and cry with her. But instead I gave her a long speech about how much she means to me and how I love her and even though she is adopted she is my cousin and I will always love her and even though we are million of miles apart I'm there with her in spirit. All she did was cry. I wish she didn't. Talking to her brought back the old Jairei I remember. I've missed that Jairei.  I laugh at all my family that say I'm a grown woman now. Everyone just constantly kept saying you're all grown now. It's nice, but I don't wanna hear it. I don't want to grow up. I want to be forever young. LOL. I'm still a little girl. or at least I feel like I am at times. But honestly I am a grown woman. These past couple of days have taught me so much. I had to grow up at an early age and honestly I've matured. I am the person I am today because of everything that's happened from my past til now. And I'm beginning to accept who I am. I'm beginning to accept this change. I'm beginning to accept that I am growing up.  

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

If I could go back in time. I would go to the first hello. I want to take all that back. Because it'd save me from all the hurt I'm feeling right now. It's not that I regret you, but I just feel like meeting you wasn't all that worth it anymore..

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

I feel like a depressed fuck. I'm perfectly fine during the day and then late at night is where all these feelings let loose. It's stupid. I don't even understand why I'm crying right now. I'm fragile. I'm a mess. It sucks when you're watching you're whole world tumble down and there's nothing you can do but watch. *shrugs* k. I needa shut up now. I'm being pathetic wasting my tears on someone who never even gave one shit about me.

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

I'm scared..

I'm scared to be happy. I'm scared for that to be taken away from me. I'm scared to love. I'm scared to get hurt. I know what it's like to be happy. I know how amazing it feels like to be happy. And I know what it's like to be taken away. I know what it's like to fall out of love. I know what pain feels like. I know all of those emotions and I'm so scared. I'm so scared.. It kills me inside because I'm being so negative about everything. I shouldn't be.. but I am. 

#jhalexpersonal

[itzjhay]

I'm fighting the urge to talk to you. I want to talk to you so bad, but I can't. After everything I just can't bear to talk to you. I can't even think of you. So I'm going to do what I do best. I'm going to stay quiet and keep my ground. I'm not going to let all the hurt take over me. I'm not going to let it control me. I'm going to control it.

#jhalexpersonal