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throwingupmyemotions · 10 months

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mom

this whole things is just going to be me word vomiting everything about my mom and my relationship with her bc i think it played a huge role in shaping who i am and how i react to ppl and problems but i literally don't understand it at all and i recently found some new information so i just kinda hope i can piece it together after writing it all out yk

so i hate crying in front of my mom and i almost never do anymore, and i rarely show any kind of negative emotion around her just bc i hate it yk. but i went home last week and i was talking to my sister about stuff and we started talking about my mom and i said that i felt like my sister was treated like "the son" of the family (esp in asian households, they are obviously favored) and she agreed bc lowkey my mom made it too obvious. but then my mom came in and all of a sudden i asked her why when i used to cry she would always say they were "crocodile tears" bc it sounds like she thought i was crying to manipulate her and not bc i was actually hurt. and she said "did i rlly say that??" and my sister and i laughed bc she wld literally say it every time i cried (which was very often lol i was an emotional child and that's prob why they never took my feelings seriously) but anyway somehow i started crying and i told my mom about how hurt i felt growing up and feeling like she hated me and my mom apologized and i could totally tell it was genuine. she opened up about her childhood trauma (she has a lot of it) and she said the therapist that she has started seeing said that she has borderline personality disorder which kind of turned my entire world upside down!! I'll explain now:

so basically during 8th-9th grade my mom was going thru some stuff and our relationship was rlly rlly bad. she would get into these moods where i felt like she genuinely hated me. idek how to explain it but she would get super cold and find any reason to get mad at me and her getting upset is one thing but she somehow found the worst most hurtful things she could say and she said them so easily while knowing they would hurt ykwim?? and i remember she would get so angry and me crying would make it worse but trying to hold back my crying made me start getting almost panic attacks where i couldn't breathe and she would somehow get more angry. it felt like a horror movie, like genuine raw fear. but these moods would only target me, like she was completely normal with my sister and when my dad would come home she would be back to normal and she would threaten me if i told my dad about what happened but he wld find out anyway bc i would start crying at the dinner table or smth.

but so those moods wld happen one day and the next day she would be nice to me and i wld bring up how hurtful the things she said the day before were to me and she would have no memory of it. im not even kidding she wld say "i said that??" and i genuinely don't think she remembered any of it. and she would always feel so bad and apologize a million times and say she was going to go get help and that she didn't mean any of it and that she loved me so much. at the end she would give me a long hug and i wld be crying of relief. the hug was always so good, every time i remember thinking that this time was the last time and i was safe in my mom's arms and she wld never hurt me like this again. ive always been pretty gullible, i believe ppl. especially the ppl i love yk? but the next day she wld hate me again. and the day after that she wld apologize and not remember any of it. after 1.5 yrs of it, i started seriously breaking. i remember not even feeling angry, i just was so exhausted and scared. somehow the fear only got worse, i never got used to it. i remember just wanting to get away from her, i hated being alone with her bc i never knew which version of her i was going to get and there was no escape. i thought she had bipolar disorder bc of her mood shifts but that's why when she told me about her bpd diagnosis i was so idk the word?? i wldnt say relieved but like some part of me was satisfied in knowing the reason she acted the way she did wasn't bc of me.

so one thing i think i always wondered was if she believed those things she said, now ik she said those things just to hurt me but that doesn't rlly make me feel better bc that means she wanted to hurt me? like what was wrong with me that made her want to see me like that yk. so i think that's part of why i feel so idk i don't want to say (unlovable) bc it sounds bad but lowkey yeah. it feels like my existence is so burdensome and annoying to everyone and i constantly have to make up for it by being as helpful as i can and to give everything i have to make ppl love me. but even then, like i get that my parents and friends love me but they don't actually love me. bc everything i say and do is to get them to love me, its not actually me yk? idek who i am bc my entire life just revolves around getting validation and affection from ppl. and the worst part of it all is that even tho i realize all of this, i don't want to stop and start being myself. somehow i know that as soon as i start being myself, no one will love me.

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lightadarttomendyourheart · 1 year

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i've been doing a lot of remembering and romanticizing. every night. i need something though. i'm *this* close to losing it. its been 3 months since i've had any kind of physical contact with a guy. i think it's starting to take a toll. so you're literally the light at the end of the tunnel. if i didn't have you and our plans, i'd be so restless. i need something to look forward to. flat hunting is turning into a nightmare. i know something will turn up, but i'm just starting to be at my wits end. i need something good. and you're so good. i've been wanting this for so long. and it's never been as close as it has been. 7 more months. literally 7 months to the date that we'll be together if everything goes as planned.

i don't want to say please let this happen, because if it's meant to, it will. if it's not, like London, there was a reason for it. and i'm not really but i will be OK with that, just like i was when London fell through. i just kept going. kept pushing. but seriously with all i'm dealing with in my life right now, this is something that i need to happen so badly.

i turned my life literally upside down. broke up with my bf of almost 3 years. lost my job. decided to move cities, provinces. i'm doing everything i think is right for me right now, because i want and deserve to be happy. i think once i finally get a place and fully move to calgary i'll be in a much better head space. but i'm seriously struggling right now. ive been in such a bad mood the last few days idk what it is but i'm just exhausted, mentally so drained.

so to have these memories of us. to have you. even if we only talk a bit here and there. it means a lot to me. and i know you don't know it and i'm not going to tell you because really, who even knows what you're thinking and feeling about all this (coming to visit me). maybe you're scared it'll lead me on. you've been single for so long like WHY is that LOL. seriously, i wonder. i have you on such a pedestal, i dont know any of your red flags. idk what you like to do in your spare time and what you do with your friends other than travel and rave. what's your favourite colour? your worst fear? what makes you happy? what makes you sad? what makes you feel alive?

i just want to know you so badly. i want to fall in love or know we're good as we are from a distance. like with mike. i liked him SO much and then after he visited i was good. that was it. idk if it'll be the same with you. it's been such a long time coming it's ridiculous. i don't think i've ever waited for something so long in my entire life. been so patient and haven't given up. even having a bf didn't stop me LOL. but it's you. you're YOU. and like you said, we were inevitable.

fucking inevitable. i will never in all my life forget you saying that. god just be here already. please.

#personal #brandon

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jamlally · 4 years

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Skating on thin ice

This was written for the 25 days of Christmas Challenge that is hosted by @panicfob . The Day 7 Challenge prompt was Ice Skating

Warnings: Fluff and hints of a relationship

Pairing: OFC x Tony Stark

Summary: Old fashioned methods help Tony make things special for Belle

Warm hands with long dexterous fingers wrapped around Belle’s wrists guiding her forwards. It didn’t matter how much she had faith that the hands holding hers wouldn’t lead her into trouble, it was still unnerving to not be able to see where she was going.

“Come on Snowflake, not much further” She could hear the amusement in Tony’s voice and tried to let herself relax a little. “I promise you are perfectly safe”.

Belle could feel a light wind blowing on her face, and she was glad that Tony had made her put her hat and scarf on before they left. She tried focusing on her other sense and knew that they were outside of the compound, and they were walking on the grass but other than that she couldn’t tell much else about what was happening.

Tony couldn’t keep his eyes off of Belle’s face, even with her eyes covered he could tell that she was nervous about what was happening and where they were going. Her bottom lip spent more time between her teeth than was usual and her hands had a slight tremor to them, He was sure that she would like his surprise, but he didn’t want to scare her. This woman had come to mean more to him than he had ever expected.

When he had woken up on the couch Belle curled up against him, he had a moment of utter blind panic. They were covered in a blanket which meant that someone had seen them, and Belle could read more into this than he wanted and then……. He took a second to think it through.

Who had seen them, well that was was enough to work out - he could just ask FRIDAY so that left him with what would happen when Belle woke up. The worst case scenario - she ran away screaming and didn’t speak to him again. Well she would have to speak to him when they were mission planning, and executing. Ok so out of work she wouldn’t speak to him , he could work around that right?

Ok so if she got scared he could back off, but last night she had seemed really happy to be physically close with him, but it could have been the drink talking. She was shy though so maybe the drink let her say what she was really felling. His gut told him that the best thing to do was to run, to not take the chance, his heart said just to wait and see.

Before he could decide either way Belle snuggled in a little closer to him, her arms tightening slightly as she seemed to soak in his presence and his heart won out over his head. He had laid there enjoying the moment until Belle had stirred. He felt her freeze obviously realizing the position that they were in. Tony had tightened his grip slightly and she had relaxed. They had taken their time getting up and having coffee together and writing down her cocktail recipe before separating to go on about their days, neither quite loosing the smile they had been wearing.

He wanted to do things for Belle that let her know just how special she was to him, but everything that he come up with just felt wrong. Belle wasn’t a girl who was comfortable with grand gestures, which was unfortunate as he was really good at those, so he needed to find other ways to express himself.

HE enjoyed sitting with her and sharing a morning coffee while he read through what ever turned up in his inbox and she started looking through her own set of tasks. When he was with her his brain became more quiet and he often found he could sort through his ideas a little more clearly as long as those ideas didn’t have anything to do with showing Belle a little fo what he felt.

At the height of his frustration he had been stomping around his lab in a foul mood when Bucky had appeared needed his arm to be assessed. Tony had been glad of the distraction even if his mood didn’t improved

“What’s bugging you Stark. You seem even less pleasant than usual”

He had glared back at the soldier - annoyed mostly at himself

“OK so you’re old and people had less stuff when you were last walking around - right?”

Bucky had nodded, unsure as to where this was going “So what kind of gifts did you get people, to show them that they mattered?”

“Like when people were courting ?”

“No not when you were courting. Jesus!” He pushed back on the stool rolling back and looking up at the ceiling “Just when you want to make sure they know that you were thinking of them, and you were glad that were there”

Bucky rubbed his flesh hadn’t over his mouth using It to hide his smile. It sure seemed like he was talking about courting based on what Bucky remember. As much as he was desperate to say that Tony so rarely asked for input that he didn’t want to put him off so he restrained himself

“Well it’s been a while but usually you would try and do something nice for them, maybe take your gal somewhere that she had wanted to go to, perhaps to a movie. We wrote letters too”

Tony rolled himself back towards Bucky picking up a screwdriver and adjusting the plates a little further. “Interesting, well there you go - the arm should be good to go. I’ll schedule FRIDAY to run diagnostics over the next few days and if there is anything off then there are a couple of other things we can try”. He dismissed the older man his mind already plotting his next steps.

Belle had laughed when she had found a hand written note slid under her apartment door asking her to be ready to be collected in 2 mornings time, dressed for the outdoors. She had tried to catch up with Tony to ask him about what he had planned but he managed to avoid her, always heading off somewhere else, with a smile and a wave and now she found herself blindfolded and still non the wiser of what was happening,

Concentrating Belle realized that she could hear what sounded like voices, one of them sounded like Thor. Belle started to slow, why would the others be out here? She trusted Tony but she didn’t want to look like an idiot.

“Its Ok Belle, I promise I knew that they would be here” Tony tried to reassure her. “Just a little further Belle”

Letting go of a shuddering breath she nodded her agreement and stepped forward enough to be able to feel a little of the heat radiating from the man she was putting her faith in.

A few minutes later he pulled her to a stop, moving behind her to start to free the blindfold. She felt the knot loosen but Tony held it in place as he learnt in closer to her ear “I need you to know that the time I have with you is important to me, I enjoy it - a lot and I want to you to understand that I need you to be happy”. The hair on her neck stood up as his warm breath passed over it, his words sinking in

“I have a past Snowflake, it’s out there for everyone to see, but I am trying to do better. I’m going misstep and get it wrong, but I hope today is right” The blindfold dropped and Belle blinked allowing her eyes to get used to the light and then let out a gasp quickly followed by a giggle.

“It is unclear to me why it is that this…thing is fun Lady Belle. Blades are to be used by a warrior to defeat his enemy, not to propel ones self across the ground”

Belle couldn’t help but smile at the Asguardians reaction to the current activity. He was making his way across an ice rink, arms flailing and a frown of concentration on his face.

She looked over her shoulder at Tony who was currently rolling his eyes. Natasha and Bucky were skating as a pair smooth and graceful while Bruce, Steve and Sam were stood off to the side. Bruce seemed to be attempting to explaining something that involved the ice skate being upside down. What ever it was Sam looked confused and Steve kept shaking his head.

“Well mostly because it’s fun Point Break. You said that you wanted to try some fun winter activities and this is one of them”

“I have been to places where there is ice and it was not a positive experience. This seems like something that my brother would do simply to have people laugh at me” the scowl on Thor’s face said it all.

“Yes well, I am not scared you understand, it just doesn’t seem like this is a wise plan. I am happy to try this skating but it is not clear to me quite how this is actually fun”

Watching her face Tony allowed himself to relax a little “So this was an acceptable choice then?”

“Tony - this is - its beyond anything that I cold have dreamt. Ive always wanted to try skating!” Belle reached up to squeeze his forearm her smile bright and shining.

“Well then I say we should get you into some boots and then you can hit the ice”

Hitting the ice seemed to be what fate quite literally had in stock for Belle as it turned out that ice skating was harder than she had anticipated. Tony watched as she wobbled and fell but still pulled herself back up, smile firmly in place. Eventually Steve took pity on her and smoothly skated over, helping her up and giving her pointers.

Eventually Belle managed to make half a circuit under her own steam without windmilling arms and her cry of triumph made Tony laugh out loud

“Tony look I’m getting the hang of it!”

“You certainly seem to be more vertical than you have been up until now Snowflake’ He called back

“Come on out and join us” she beckoned him forward but Tony just shook his head

“Sorry Snowflake but all that ice isn’t my idea of a good time, I’ve got to keep these “ he wiggled his fingers “In good working order”

“Come on Tony, its fun” Steve skated over stepping onto the rubber surround to the ruins before dropping his voice “You did this for her right ? So got spend time with her. She doesn’t care if you’re not the nest, she just wants to share the experience with you”

Tony rubbed the back of his neck - there was a good chance that Steve was right, it did seem to be an annoying habit of his. Perhaps he should have put a little more thought into a plan that didn’t require him to fall on his ass.

The boots felt uncomfortable and he waddled a but when he walked to the ice rink, but no matter how ridiculous he felt the smile he got from Belle made it all worth while.

“Ok so Capsicle - gimme the lowdown. How do we make this shit work?”

A couple of close encounters with the ice later he was pretty sure that he was never ice skating again, but he did seem able to keep his feet under him a little more and was able to make his way over to Belle who was currently hanging onto the barrier and talking to Wanda.

“Alright Snowflake I think I got this, how about you take me for a whirl”. Tony wiggled his eyebrows and help out his hand

“I’ll see you later Wanda” Belle pushed away and wobbled over to Tony grabbing his hand. They made their way on a lap of the rink, laughing and teasing each other as they went. Wanda smiled as Tony’s arms started to windmill and sent a small burst of energy to prop him up and avoid the spill.

Belle had taken her gloves off so that she could hold Tony’s hand more closely. She loved the feeling of the calluses on his fingers when they brushed against her skin, it made her heart beet a little faster and gave her the urge to curl into him and feel the rest of his body against her.

Tony pulled them to a halt at the far end of the rink “Thank you for getting me out here. I think I would have missed out if you hadn’t talked me into it”

“I think it was Steve who talked you into it, but there is no one else that I would rather have experience this with”. Resting against the side Belle turned a little so she faced him a little more, reaching out for his other hand “The fact you put all this effort into this, and that we shared it with the other. It’s one for the books. It seems that all my best days come courtesy of you”

Tony leant forward, resting his forehead against Belle’s. “I just want for you to be happy Belle. I want to see that smile of yours, I want to know that I helped keep it there. If that means that we slip about on frozen water so be it. I can’t think of many things I wouldn’t do for you Belle”.

Their noses brushed against one another and Belle breathed in deeply, the warm smell of his cologne filled her nose. The feelings that she had when she was close to Tony weren’t something that she focused on, perhaps he only wanted to look out for her as a sister, but she didn’t think that was what was happening here. There was a chance that her next move would blow her life out the water, but she had spent so long not experiencing things that for once she wanted to be the one to make a move.

Pulling against Tonys’ hand she slid him a little closer before leaning in a little on pressing her lips against his. She felt his hands tighten around her own and then he was kissing her back. His lips were warm and he moved them slowly against her own keeping her close and Belle felt like she was flying.

Tony was the first to pull back, he let go of her hand and brushed the back of his fingers down her cheek, his eyes warm and pupils slightly blown. “You know I’m pretty sure I would be ok falling on my ass another dozen or so times if I got another of those kisses”

Belle blushed but leaned her head a little against his fingers “I wouldn’t want you to get any more bruised, maybe the next time we try it off the ice”. Tony laughed and started to pull them over to the exit using the barrier

“So how about we say we are done with this and go and get something warm to drink, and maybe see whether it feels different when we’re to freezing to death”

“What ever you want Tony” Belle couldn’t help but agree.

Stepping off the ice the couple turned at the sound of a loud crash and found Thor lying sprawled on his back in the middle of the rink “Odin’s balls Stark. This has to be some kind of trick, there is no way someone can find this process fun. If you told me that this was some kind of torture then I would be more inclined to believe you”

Belles laugh joined Tony’s as they watched the annoyed King attempt and fail to get to his feet, It eventually took Bucky and Steve to get him up and over towards the exit. Her arm wrapped around Tony’s waist while his was draped over her shoulder. Her head was relaxed against him and she reviled in the kisses he placed on her head eventually looking up to softly peck his lips again.

#panic's 25 days of christmas #christmas #fluff

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fellowibders · 6 years

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December: The Month of Firsts

This month definitely has to be hardest for me to endure in my life because of the history with my disease in correlation to it. My GI even has noticed that many things have happened with me during this months and it is not so much that is unusual, it just happened to be the way things have been planned out in the process. I think I will always feel down when this time of the year rolls around and I am not in the celebratory mood this year with the holiday season right around the corner. The experiences we have had in our past changes us to some extent especially when it involves inflammatory bowel disease. This month had certainly become the road to getting the proper diagnosis for me.

If I am going to take this back a bit, I am going to need to travel back in time to the year 2010. That year will always be the hardest for me to get through, but I made it and I am thankful for it. I remember having my first round of blood tests the first week in December by the phlebotomist from my primary care physician’s office. I was a healthy kid most of my life, so all of the sudden feeling as bad I did back then, it totally was a scary thing. I remember waiting and agonizing on the results and I remember I had to call them over there to give me my results. I can recall learning that the results had come in and it hadn’t been sent out right away and then they had come back that everything had been fine. The following week I had to undergo my first stool sample test. I just really remember getting the kit and being increasingly bloated. I struggled so much to have a bowel movement and that was when I knew something was serious wrong with me, I remember scooping everything into the tubes with chemicals in them and shipping them off back to primary care physician’s office. It was so foreign to me at the time that I had to use these instruments and I had to literally had to be up close and personal with my poop for the first time.

Now the next two, I remember the exact dates as they are just unforgettable for me. 21 December 2010 was when I had my emergency CT scan. I will never forget that day. My primary was so worried because I told her I felt horrible, so she ordered me to have an emergency one, so I went right to the hospital this same day. I remember drinking this dye that tasted horrible. I had to have it mixed with my choice of either grape juice, apple juice, orange juice, or ginger ale. I didn’t want to spoil juice for me, so I distinctly went ahead and went with the ginger ale. When the results came back for this test, I remember they had said that I had inflammation in my stomach, but they could not properly diagnose me. This is when they had to schedule me for my first colonoscopy, which ended up being on 30 December 2010. I remember that I had mixed the prep wrong and the flavor packet and the water did not get put in the bottle in the right portions, so it ended up tasting more like the flavoring and it made it that much more difficult to get down. I remember them having a lot of trouble with the IV and then my vein had collapsed during it, so the blood had gushed out and I remember she had to hold it down with a cloth to get it to stop. I had that bruise for a while after that too. I could envision myself right now sitting in that hospital with my mother and sister waiting on if I was going to have surgery or note. I remember thinking that my life was over and I just remember getting emotional. I had no idea what was going to happen to me. They didn’t give me the diagnosis right then, but I do remember the nurse telling me that my case was one of the worst ones she had ever seen. That really scarred me back then when I was going through that. I can recall being the last patient in the waiting room waiting for the phone call to say whether or not I was going to have to stay the night and undergo surgery. My world was totally turned upside-down and I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope if that ended up being the case. Luckily I was sent home and I remember the drive home was bad because my mom had to bring me back in the middle of a bad snow storm over my way. I just kept reassuring my mom that we were going to get home safe. It was late at night and it was pretty bad conditions by this time.

31 December 2010 was the day that had changed my life forever. I remember waking up this day and the woman call me around 8:00am on my home phone and asks for me. I get on the phone and she proceeds to tell me that I have Crohn’s Disease and she needs to make an appointment with a gastroenterologist with me and I remember the appointment ended up being on a friend of mine’s birthday, which was 04 January 2011. Another first I can recall that is more on a higher note was when I achieved my first remission, which my GI gave me the clearance on this day, 21 December 2012. I remember him saying that he was not a fan of the word remission, but if he had to put it into words at that time, that was the word he was going to use for me. This is just a bit about me and why December affects me so deeply. I am hoping one day to make new memories in and around these days, so that way I can be like you know what I may have experienced this, but years later I did something exciting.

Love and Hugs Always,

Wade David Sutherland

#crohn's disease #ulcerative colitis #crohns disease #crohns #crohn's #IBDers #IBD #inflammatory bowel disease

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verdigrisprowl · 7 years

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Oct 25 Blurr’s Horror Stream - Monster AU - Halloweentown

The monster AU streams continue! Every time shadow Prowl tried to peek out from under/behind a couch something was either shining on him or batting at him so he stayed hidden the entire night. Which was sad, because a shadow monster was the villain and Prowl wanted to see more.

Welcome to the 'speedxstealer' room. The chat room has been cleared by the moderator. S p i r a: (( we're listening to my music ooc so just pretend it's something interesting lol )) Timeline: a small figure pokes their helm into the room "hello?" Timeline: ((lol)) Wing: (TINY SCREAM?!) Ravage: *The sulkiest sphinx returns. This time, however, they do not bother guarding the door. They simply brush the other being aside and turn into a tight loaf* Prowl: ((u say that like Good Vibrations isn't exciting)) Timeline: the small praxian goes into the room as well sitting on a couch Prowl: ((eyyyy timeline, tonight is Monster AU night. we're all playing monster versions of our characters. if u want u can make up a monster version of timeline real quick)) Timeline: (ah I didn't know that I have a demon verstion of timeline that eats sparks from deals so I can do that) Wing: ((oh... well then)) Prowl: ((they'll be in good company. last time everyone ate souls or whole people)) Timeline: ((that had to have been interesting)) Timeline: the small demon stretches out humming lounging in her spot Bevel: ((Bevel only ate part of that guy and you can't prove it. Timeline: ((pft)) Ravage: *He'd be looking down his nose if he had one.* =What are YOU.= Timeline: ((my doxie is so cute ahh best doggo)) Timeline: "demon, what are you? a kitty cat?~" she asked snickering Ravage: =Sphinx.= *Haughty wing flick.* =I ask the questions here.= Timeline: "sure you do" the demon bobbed their helm to the music Ravage: *Such disrespect. How he misses the fear-soaked days of old sometimes.* Tarantulas changed their nickname to Tara. Timeline: "so if you are a sphinx, doesn't that mean you like riddles?" demons weren't known for respect Tara: (( what the heck LS... bevel and i are not the only two ppl here, i KNOW it Timeline: (hi) Bevel: ((LS plz Ravage: =I like telling them, yes.= S p i r a: / pardon the lights. They're going to flicker and dim down and brighten and flicker. And all the screens too. / Timeline: the demon looks around "ghost? glitch? who knows" Timeline: (my demanding fur child is on my lap being demanding) Ravage: *Growls and tries to pull even more into himself. If he sees ONE fish bone...* S p i r a: / ghost it is, indeed. A very angry one/ Timeline: she snickered at the growling "oh come on whats the mood for?" S p i r a: / Just claws up from the ground. / Timeline: "now that is an entrence" S p i r a: [[ whenever yall are ready. Lemme know. ]] Tara: *what an awful time for the incubus to slink in, seems spira isn't in a terribly good mood* Prowl: *rides in on Tara's shadow* S p i r a: / growls at Timeline / What are YOU looking at? S p i r a: / hovers with smokey bits cascading off of him. / Timeline: "nothing much, not really catching my optic but nice entrence though" the demon tilts her helm S p i r a: Then look somewhere else before I throw glass in your eyes. /shoots straight up for his lamp and just morphs around it/ Ravage: *If there's going to be flying glass, he's going to move away from the demon and re-loaf.* Mindwipe: /just being a big dragon bat creature hanging upside down from the ceiling/ Timeline: she rolls her optics and looks away still lounging Mindwipe: Hey /waves a wing claw/ Prowl: *there are strangers here tonight. detaches from Tara's shadow to slide invisibly to join the shadows under a couch.* Ravage: *Opens his mouth to ask the dragon-bat a riddle before remembering he's not doing the host any favors tonight. Shuts it again.* Tara: *apparently has no sense of self preservation, goes straight for the lamp and curls a finger around one of spira's smoke tendrils* Timeline: time waves a clawed servo not really paying attention S p i r a: / glances at Ravage/ Not playing riddle me this, kitty kitty? What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? S p i r a: / twists tendril a little and glances at Tara / Hmm. Hi. /grump. Glances at Mindwipe/ ... / lifts claw to wave smokey-like / S p i r a: [[ Y'all ready? ]] Ravage: =Saving them for those who can appreciate them.= Pause. =Or meals.= Ravage: ((ya)) Prowl: ((ye)) S p i r a: Well, someone is still sour. /huffs / Tara: (( yep! Mindwipe: ((Yep!)) Timeline: (yep) S p i r a: [[ kay i set up ]] Mindwipe: Many interesting things in here I see... /He's trying to decide who would be the tastiest/ Timeline: "bet I can solve the riddle" S p i r a: [[ hi welcome to the surprise. ]] S p i r a: [[ we're watching some grade A classic shiit. ]] Bevel: ((omg omg omg Ravage: *Stares at the demon. ... Fine. Give him a moment to think.* Tara: (( omg ive never seen this Timeline: (awesome) Timeline: the demon goes silent watching the film S p i r a: / glancing down at Tara. Curious, but a moody ghost. / Prowl: *slinks to the front edge of the couch to peer out from underneath at the movie.* Bevel changed their nickname to Bevel. Mindwipe: ((good choice!)) S p i r a: / waves a little at Prowl / S p i r a: [[ I want that shirt, tbh. That yellow one. ]] Tara: *tries to tug one of the larger smoke tendrils, then licks it when spira's not looking, totally his way of saying hello* Ravage: =Ancient am I, always rushing but never going anywhere, roaring without throat or lungs.= Prowl: *... slinks out a shadowy little arm to wave back. it shrivels in the light.* Timeline changed their nickname to Timeline. S p i r a: / looks like one of those cartoons where the outlines get all squiggly and then settle back into flat lines / Timeline: (dog pressed keys closed out of the stream) Ravage: ((wb.)) Prowl: ((If she's 13 years old, this is her 14th halloween.)) Ravage: *Ravage cranes his head to try and get a glimpse of Bevel's palm.* Timeline: (yeah but movies aren't normally known for numbers) Bevel: *she spreads her hands out, nothing there* Fireball: -quite literally a fireball here. A will-o'-wisp to be exact- S p i r a: / the lick made him go squiggly. Glances at/ Yes, hello. Ravage: *Hm. Movies don't teach as much as they say they do, it seems.* Prowl: *... would think this is stereotyping of ghosts, but honestly hasn't met a ghost that isn't some shade of depressed.* Tara: *hums happily* It's lovely to see you again, Spira. Ravage: *And it seems the demon hasn't solved the riddle... but he'll leave them uneaten all the same. Sulfur tastes vile.* S p i r a: /exCUSE/ S p i r a: ... Good to see you, too. Fireball: -and in they bob, a bit late and all- Ravage: *Ravage eyes the fireball, tempted to chase it.* Tara: *tries to wrap arms around and scoop up as much of spira as possible* Come, cuddle, dear S p i r a: / shifts a little to better see the movie / Fireball: -don't you dare, sphinx, they'll lead you on a chase and a half- S p i r a: / do it. Chase them / Mindwipe: ... /reaches down to try and poke at Fireball/ Fireball: -bobs out of the way- Prowl: *floating light source. The Worst.* S p i r a: /shuffles down and settles next to Tara's chair. Watching Mindwipe and lookng for Prowl./ Do you need more shadows? Prowl: *shrinks farther under the couch.* Fireball: -oh? what was that? something under the couch? What is it?- Fireball: ((annnnd live chicken in the fridge Timeline: ( ia ma giggling) Fireball: ((wow kid Ravage: ((test)) Prowl: *there is Literally A Floating Source Of Light peering under the couch, Prowl is slinking back away from it.* Bevel: (( test test Bev: ((omg lag plz Bevel: (( teeeeeeeesssssssssssst Bev: ((*pokes ls hard in the face* Prowl: *perks up. shadow creature? there are shadow creatures in the movie?* Timeline: (test) Ravage: *Ravage slinks toward the couch and prepares to bat the fireball* Fireball: -something is moving under the couch, they can see it- Fireball: -and paying no attention to approching sphinx- Prowl: *the moving something under the couch looks like slightly darker darkness* Fireball: ((ls can you not Ravage: *WHACK and possibly a yowl if the fireball is actually hot.* Mindwipe changed their nickname to Mindwipe. Prowl: *although the will-o-wisp probably won't get a good look at it; shadows don't last in direct light.* Fireball: -IS actually mildly hot, and now rolling off along the floor and really NOT happy about it- Ravage: *smacks his paw a few times on the ground to put out any singed bits and curls up to lick it* Prowl: *bolts out from under the couch and hides in a shadow along the back of the couch* Fireball: -is now more of an angry red color, as they bob back up into the air- Prowl: ((i love the cheap glitter on top)) Fireball: ((looks like something from the dollar store Timeline: (i love this) E x s p i r a v i t: [[ any fuccking way. ]] Ravage: *Climbs up the couch and peers over the back. Is the shadow all right there?* Prowl: ((welcome back)) E x s p i r a v i t: [[ Three browsers and it posts on this crappy one. ]] Bevel: (( is my name still bevel :') Bevel: (( omfg Ravage: ((yep)) Fireball: ((LS you piece of craaaaap Mindwipe: ((Livestream whyyyy)) E x s p i r a v i t: / sulking on the floor. A smokey puddle / Timeline: (my interwebs is ccrapping out ahhh) Prowl: *shadowy silhouette peeks up over the back of the couch to watch* Mindwipe: /reaches down to poke at Prowl now/ Prowl: *ducks back down behind the couch.* Fireball: -oh. Was that who was under the couch?- E x s p i r a v i t: [[ i love this guy ]] Ravage: *Swats the poking claw from the dragon bat* Mindwipe: /dangling both wing arms and grinning, trying to reach Prowl, he's having fun here/ Prowl: *welp. hiding behind the couch for the rest of the night it is, then.* Mindwipe: Hello kitty! /turns his attention to Ravage now/ Bevel changed their nickname to livestream is a turd. Fireball: -bobs further up into the air- livestream is a turd: (( heh did it fix my name now Ravage: ((sorta)) Bev: ((yes, hello, livestream is a turd Mindwipe: ((LOL it did)) Ravage: *Ravage hisses and compresses himself into the couch. Try to stop one of the guests from being shrivelled up and get burned and poked for your troubles. Tsk.* Ravage: *One of these days he's going to find a nice warm desert and just stay there.* Prowl: *... wonders what's happening in the movie.* Fireball: -hey, they didn't know they were hurting a guest. It was an accident- E x s p i r a v i t: / groans like a ghost does / Is this a /love/ story? livestream is a turd changed their nickname to IncuTara. Prowl: ((ive never seen this before but the mayor is definitely the villain)) E x s p i r a v i t: [[ omg you've never seen halloweentown?? ]] Prowl: ((no)) E x s p i r a v i t: [ THIS MOVIE MADE My CHILDHOOD COMPLETE ]] E x s p i r a v i t: [[ sort of. Like the kim possible movie. ]] E x s p i r a v i t: [[ this movie is so derpy and campy, but i love it. ]] Mindwipe: ((It's like the definition of campy, but it's such a childhood classic, like Hocus Pocus!)) Timeline: (interwebs crapping out to much gonna head) Fireball: ((g'night then? Prowl: ((Are we supposed to detest the mother with every fiber of our being?)) IncuTara: (( the weiner dude... Fireball: ((don't know if we are, but I kinda do E x s p i r a v i t: [[ I dislike her for the moment ]] E x s p i r a v i t: [[ i like miss reynolds better ]] Ravage: ((Don't know if we're supposed to but - yeah)) Fireball: -bouncing bob, what is this on screen?- IncuTara: *nevermind tara, he'd stepped out of the room for a moment but slips back in now and sprawls near spira* Prowl: ((the fvck gives her the right to deliberately cut off her children from one of their potential futures just because she herself prefers a certain culture)) Prowl: ((especially when one of said children has been desperate to be part of that culture)) Prowl: ((screw this mom)) E x s p i r a v i t: / sprawls out like a puddle of smoke by Tara / Fireball: ((whoops Fireball: ((LS STOP THAT IncuTara: *can smoke be cuddled, tara's gonna try* Prowl: *hears talk about shadow things and can't even watch.* E x s p i r a v i t: */ E x s p i r a v i t: / it can be sort of . IncuTara: *tryna make up for leaving spira behind last time* Prowl: *well. stretches out along the shadow on the back of the couch and tries to get comfortable.* Fireball: -they're now impersonating a light fixture on the ceiling- E x s p i r a v i t: / huffs a little / Mindwipe: /watching the movie/ Humans do such strange things... E x s p i r a v i t: / wrapping smoke tendrils around Tara's arm / Prowl: *... the light shining from the bottom of the couch is gone. sinks back down and underneath.* E x s p i r a v i t: [[ i love this ghost ]] Prowl: *wonders why they didn't just ask for some sweat. they're probably used to helping with spells around town.* Fireball: ((that still looked black as hell Fireball: -mildy excited bobbing again, up by the ceiling- E x s p i r a v i t: / coiling his own smoke tendrils around a claw / Fireball: -what's that, what's that?- Prowl: *ooh. a shadow thing that carries his own shadows around. and corporeal in partial light, too.* Fireball: -oh, a trick! And no treats- Prowl: *brr. never wants to see one of those things in person.* E x s p i r a v i t: That must be a nice town. Fireball: -that was bright! Brighter than them!- Mindwipe: I want to live in the spooky theater... Good place to catch a snack E x s p i r a v i t: That theater looked nice. Fireball: -oh wow! What was that?- Prowl: (("i'm sorry i didn't trust you" fvcker this has nothing to do with trust you chose to cut her off from half her life when she was born)) Fireball: ((and now she choses to change her tune E x s p i r a v i t: I want to live there. /coils up from the ground / E x s p i r a v i t: Seems nice. Prowl: (("oh yeah I forcibly refused to let you even KNOW you could be a witch and cut you off from every opportunity to learn it, but now i'm reserving exclusive privileges to train you as one")) Ravage: =Nothing to eat there.= Ravage: *Streeeeetch.* E x s p i r a v i t: There's nothing to eat HERE, either. Prowl: ((like fvck off you don't deserve that right, let the grandma who was endlessly supportive and wanted to teach her grandkids about the world do it)) Ravage: =You're right.= Prowl: ((like she doesn't even have good justification for cutting off her kids from that world.)) Ravage: *So he'll hop off the couch, shake himself out, and slowly limp toward the exit.* Fireball: -and drops back to the floor. Movie's over- Prowl: ((no "it's too dangerous" or anything. just "meh. *I* like being normal, so I'm never even gonna present them with the option to be otherwise, even if they want it.")) Prowl: *trusts the sphinx not to bat prowl around like a toy. latches onto his shadow to ride out.* E x s p i r a v i t: / swirls up from the ground / Ravage: *Not after the first night. He'll shiver a little, probably won't figure out the shadow is there right away, but will welcome the tagalong once they're noticed.* E x s p i r a v i t: Try not to eat anything on the way out. Fireball: -and zips out of the room. Movie was funny but time to go now. Bye!- E x s p i r a v i t: [[ well idk who is still heere because the stupid chat won't tell me]] Fireball: ((well, I'm heading off, so g'night!

#chat

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thisisntjustmsthisisleahsms-blog · 7 years

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Not the Good Hand.

Having finally gone through the large folder full of my hospital letters, which in retrospect I should have done before starting the blog, I would like to clarify a few things from the previous chapter. The time it took for me to actually get my diagnosis, was quite a bit longer than I’d remembered it being. The date of my second appointment with Dr Gillmore and the official date of my diagnosis was October 2011, nearly a whole year after the resting bitch face incident and even then, it wasn’t a proper diagnosis. It was referred to as a clinically isolated syndrome with demyelination... yeah I have no idea what that means either, but I can tell you now it was NOT an isolated incident.

I’d also just like to correct the hilarity that was me telling you all that I had LEGIONS on my brain.

Legion

1. A division of 3,000–6,000 men, including a complement of cavalry, in the ancient Roman army.

What I meant to put was LESIONS – I do not have a small Roman army pillaging my head. Thanks to mum for pointing that out.

Lesion

1. A region in an organ or tissue which has suffered damage through injury or disease, such as a wound, ulcer, abscess, or tumour.

Anyway, now that’s all cleared up, where was I?

The Head Tilt Phenomenon

“I mean, the probability is that this won’t affect you again until much later on in life. You could be in your... mid 40’s maybe, before you have a relapse.”

Please remember this. This statement from Dr Gillmore was the reason I decided that it didn’t matter about the MS, because clearly, I was indestructible. MS? HA! Not going to affect me for another 20 years or so, drop the mic, leave the office, see you in 20.

I thanked Dr Gillmore (although thinking about it I’m not really sure why... do you thank someone for basically giving you a life sentence?) And we left. As we got into the lift to go down to B floor, I remember feeling very non-plussed by the whole thing. If this lead neurology consultant has just told me it’s probably not going to happen again until I’m like 40, it doesn’t really mean anything right now does it? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me and even when it does happen again, it’s only a numb face. Maybe it’ll even out? Give the right hand side a couple of numb weeks? Literally couldn’t hurt and this changes NOTHING.

And that right there guys and girls, that carefree train of thought is why you do NOT make those sorts of off handed comments to stupid teenagers. They will take it for gospel. No amount of the use of the word ‘maybe’ will change that.

To the best of my recollection, we had driven to the appointment. It’s not really relevant, but I know some of you like the little details, a little something to set the scene if you will. We drove home (probably) and I flounced into the house, not a care in the world. I was actually in quite a good mood at this point because I’d started to be able to taste things on both sides of my mouth again; all I was thinking about was eating a bacon cheese burger. And then I saw Dad.

I can only assume that Mum had rang him at some point and given him an update on the situation, because as I walked through the living room door he turned, looked up at me from the sofa and he pulled the most sad, melancholy, disneyesque face I have ever seen to date, it was like looking at Droopy. This is when he tilted his head. Most of you reading this are guilty of doing the head tilt, whether it be in response to a friend whose dog has died or upon discovering that there are no more Oreos left in the cupboard. Both excellent reasons for tilting ones head, however, the amount of times I’ve wanted to slap someone upside their head for tilting it at me in a sort of “oh my God, I’m so sorry, how long have you got left?” kind of way, is unreal. So please, don’t EVER tilt your head at someone who has just told you they are disabled. Yes be considerate and ask questions, but I’m not a fucking puppy stuck in a pipe.

“How are you feeling?”

Well, to be honest with you Dad, I was feeling pretty perplexed. The only time I’d seen his face come even close to how it was on that day, was when he watched Lenny Henry feeding sugar water to a malnourished African child on a previous year’s Red Nose Day. Why is he looking at me like I’m a malnourished African child? I was genuinely confused at the reaction this irrelevant news was receiving. I told him I was fine, asked if anyone wanted a cup of tea and left the room post haste, as mum proceeded to point out to him that everything was fine, I wasn’t dying and that it probably wouldn’t affect me for a very long time. I can’t cope with this shite; I can’t deal with the seemingly soothing voice asking if I’m ok every 5 minutes, whilst looking at me like I’m made of glass. I decided to ring a friend and go for a walk. My apologies to you Louise, I can’t remember the full details of the conversation we had on that particular day, we’ve had a lot of serious conversations and a lot of long walks, they’ve all blended into one. What I can tell you is that there were numerous inappropriate jokes about my gammy face and that we 100% agreed that it was fine and it wouldn’t happen again for a very long time.

BULLSHIT.

The Hangover and The Claw

An unfortunate, yet sometimes comical side effect of MS is the way it likes to tinker with my memory, so my apologies if I have to back track from time to time. Join me, if you will, in attempting to journey back to April 2012. It was an exciting year, we had the London Olympics, Macklemore released Thrift Shop and I was having a cracking time, enjoying a LOT of nights out with various people from my TGI’s crew, only occasionally falling off a wall and/or throwing up into the streets of Derby. It was fucking great! On a side note, I hadn’t told any of my managers about my diagnosis at this point, it wasn’t affecting me and I had no intention of working there until my early 40’s, ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, I digress.

One very hazy morning(ish), having drunk myself to oblivion the night before (never drink Old Rosie at the end of a night, the hangover is just NOT worth it), I peeled my face away from my pillow, stumbled to the bathroom and proceeded to loudly empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl - still in the clothes from the night before. No shame.

Somewhere in between throwing up and trying to figure out why I hadn’t stayed round my friends house as originally planned, I can only assume I was too drunk and had been bundled into a taxi by someone, I became aware that I had pins and needles in my hand – hmm... must have slept on it. No worries, I’ll just shake it off.

Any minute now...

It’s going to wear off... any second...

Well fuck me was I shaking my hand on and off for at least 15 minutes and it did absolutely FUCK ALL. I can assure you if you think you’ve had the worst hangover in the world before now, you haven’t. You add the confusion of a numb hand and a lying bastarding consultant, that’s when you have the right to call it the worst hangover in the world. Mid 40’s my arse you lying prick. This is when the panic set in; picture it, a panicked hangover. It was hideous. I was already throwing up, the panic of my numb hand made me need to throw up more and I was sobbing into a toilet bowl. I cried as the reconstituted rum and coke spilled from my mouth, I tried to catch my breath as the room span around me and looked down at my now lifeless, sick covered hand, in an attempt to have something to look at to stop the spinning. I sobbed as the sight of my gammy hand caused me to projectile across the bathroom floor, not having the time or the attention to detail to stick my head in the toilet. Absolute chaos.

As the days went by, I noticed a definite weakness developing in good old righty. Never called my right hand that before - genuinely never will again. It didn’t feel right to type, but I like the way it looks on a page so. Good ol’ righty was not coping well and bearing in mind that this is my good hand, I started dropping things. To anyone that has just laughed because I referred to it as my ‘good hand’, it was EXACTLY like that. My hand was non-negotiable and had adopted a sort of claw shape, the numbness had crept up into my forearm and I could no longer hold anything without my wrist buckling, if I’d been asked to stir mash it would have been great. I seriously thought at one point, my God, I’m going to turn into a lefty...and no one likes a lefty! On the 17th April, I went to seek advice about my claw at the hospital. I’ve attached a photo of my clinic letter, purely and simply for the fact that they refer to this particular relapse as a MILD one. Looking back now, they were bang on, but at the time I was not impressed about this. Mild?! After the traumatic bathroom incident?! Oh how stupid I was, it was only going to get worse... which is great for all of you because from an outside perspective it just got more entertaining. I was given a weeks’ worth of oral steroids to speed up the recovery process in my hand/arm. I know what you’re thinking, steroids? And the answer is no, I did not get hench. My right arm did not become akin to Popeye’s and I didn’t have veins popping out of my skin. I’ll go into the wonders of steroids next time, oral steroids are no fun but IV steroids are where it’s at. You’ll also get to find out how I faired on 2 numb legs during snowy weather conditions, how I ended up being reviewed on Trip Advisor and the wonders of a drug called Copaxone.

I must apologise for the delayed arrival of blog number 2. Unfortunately for me, just as I decided to start writing a blog about my MS, my MS thought it would be appropriate to give me a numb fucking hand, so the last blog and this one have been written with some difficulty. So actually... I take my apology back because fuck my MS.

Thanks again for reading guys, hope you enjoyed the trials and tribulations of my astounding disability and bear with for number 3!

Leah x

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whybotheranyway-blog · 7 years

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Loving you is hard but...

To the woman who taught me how to love, i miss you already.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to know the difference of infatuation and love by heart. Thank you for making me realize that love is far more than being just attracted to someone. Thank you for making it clear to me that to love someone is to put others first before yourself. To love someone, you need to be selfless. You can’t allow yourself to be selfish because that will destroy the both of you. To love someone, you need to be patient. Patient to understand her, patient to bear with her through her mood swings or when her anxiety attacks her and patient to hold on and be strong for her especially when she is breaking down. To love her is to connect with her loved one soon completely. When i have already loved you, i have learned to be open and honest. I have to tell her everything that i feel. Whether it will both make you happy or sad, i have to. Because an honest and open communication is the key to a successful relationship. When i say i love you when you feel hurt i am more in pain than you are. Its break my heart seeing you devastated making me wish to ease what you’re feeling. I'lltry to do everything just to cheer you up even if it’s hard for you too. When i learned to love you, i learned to be strong. I’ll learn how to stand for the two of us. I’ll learn how to fight at times of troubles and petty quarrels so that i’ll be able to save our relationship. When i learned to love you, i learned how to be matured. I can’t let myself start a fight from a single thing. I’ll always try to be open minded and emphatic so that we’ll understand each other’s side. When i learned to love you ive been brave to take every risk. I’ll be fearless to do anything for you. I’ll try to do anything just to make you happy. When i learned to love you,i learn how to look at the positive things of life. Because i don’t want you to be sad and down.i’ll always have to make you see the brighter side of everything. I’ll always have to be enthusiastic to lift your spirits up. When i learned to love you, i’ll be the happiest and saddest at the same time. We’ll be the happiest because we both have each other that can make our heart flutter several times and smile just by seeing each other. But sometimes, we’ll also be the saddest because we’ll see each other hurting. We’ll be sad at times when you feel like the world is turning upside down, But believe me, we become more shattered at times when we hurt the person whom we want to protect and love. We become disappointed with ourselves because we end up doing the things that we’d least likely to do. When i learned to love you, i have learned how to adjust. It won’t matter anymore how many times i’ll do as long as it’s for her sake. As long as it will make things easier for her and make her happy, i’ll go for it. When i learned to love you, i forget how to count. I’ll not count the days, months, or years that weve known each other. I’ll not count the times that we fought. I’ll not count the times that you had good times. I’ll not count how many times each of us adjusted for each other. I’ll not count anything because everything feels like a lifetime already. When i learned ti love you numbers won’t really matter anymore. As long as we’re both happy with what we have, we’ll keep it. When i learned to love you, i pray to God everytime that we’ll both end up together. I’ll pray for his guidance and help that whatever storm and challenges may come, we’ll be able to do it together. When i learned to love you, i’ll allow you to see the weakest and darkest part of me. I’ll let you in my life to witness every side of me. I’ll let you handle me at my worst and celebrate with me at my best. I’ll be shy to make you see this side of mine at first. But as soon as i feel the warmth of home, i’ll be able to do so. When i learned to love you, i’ll learn to accept and appreciate. I’ll learn to appreciate every detail about you. I’ll learn to love the things that you doesn’t love about yourself. I’ll appreciate you that even if you’re not perfect, i’ll accept your imperfections and love you for who you are. I’ll realize that your imperfections makes you perfect. When you love someone, you’ll always try. You’ll always try to clear things up for her. You’ll make sure that he doesn’t feel bad about something. You’ll not get tired of assuring her always that she’s God’s greatest blessing that you have. You’ll not let her sleep knowing that she’s worrying about something. When i learned to love you, i’ll know what you feel even if you’re not saying anything. I will know you more than anyone. I will notice the slightest changes about your attitude. I will notice when something’s bothering you. I will learn how to make things lighter for you. I’ll know the right things to say as long as it’s from my heart. Because i love you, i’ll try to be the best and give the best. I’ll always try to make gifts and surprises for you because i know that it’s what you deserve. Because i lobe this much, i’ll always feel blessed. I will feel blessed because i have you who’ll accept and love you me who i am. And because i really really love you, i won’t feel tired. Because you’ll always be the one who will give me strength. Thank you for teaching me these things that I have not known before. Thank you for teaching me this language of love. I know that as long as I’m with you, there’ll always be more to be learned. I will never get tired of learning these things by heart because learning how to love is life. And life with you is all i can ask and dream of. You dont have to feel that way babe..mahal kita higit kanino man. -als

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