#ive applied to so many jobs and just gotten rejected after the interview | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ghosty1111 · 2 years

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mental health vent undercut teehee *anime head bonk* ^ڡ^

im so worried that the company i interviewed at isnt gonna get back to me. ive been applying to jobs for almost 3 years now and ive only gotten one other interview before this(that i got rejected from). the interviewer mixed up on telling me what job i was being interviewed for(i applied to 2 at the company) and didnt tell me the real one until the end of the interview. so i fear i messed it up by talking about it in the context of a different job. i emailed them after this about it and its almost been a week(the interviewer said theyd get back to me in a couple days).

the other problem im having is ive been avoiding replying to emails for the """job""" i technically have as an assistant art teacher for bday parties for some art company bc ive been so convinced i wont do well at the job due to my mental health and i shouldnt do it. i have one already booked for the 6th so i have no choice, the emails were for other future work. im embarrassed that i cant just get myself to do something even this small, but also my brain has become All Or Nothing levels of stubborn in regard to work(either i get a fulltime wellpaying job that can allow me to move out or it isnt worth it). even tho this job would be good for SOME money, my brain keeps trying to convince me that im too fatigued and suicidal and its not worth it at this point. that i deserve better.

im tired of being stubborn and having high expectations for life but i cant help it if i want something worthwhile after spending every single day feeling like shit and hating being alive. they all said this feeling would eventually go away if i continued to work on fixing it. but it hasnt. everyone makes fun of this 'negative teenage view' of life, but why would i want to make something that makes me feel worse? its not as easy as just 'changing your views and faking it' trust me ive tried so many times. and i burnout so fast every time. my body isnt meant to live like that and i hate it.

my mom said that i shouldnt get a fulltime job bc what if i cant handle it, and i said that i would rather try an option that would potentially change my life and find out for sure that im not meant for being alive, rather than wasting my energy on something that changes nothing. i hate my suicidal mentality.

#vent #'but u live w ur mom in a room w so much stuff and computers and video games and everything u could ever need🙄'#it takes so much of my energy just to play mobile games. i have to force myself to play MOBILE GAMES in order to actually 'do' something.#and often thatll only last a week or so before i burnout. from mobile games. then im back to doing nothing till i can get back into it.#ive been trying to get myself to use my laptop again lately(just so i can be in a sitting position out of bed)#and even then its like twice a week #and i dont play games or do anything. not even reading anymore.#recently i made a goal to SORT BOOKMARKS and even then its a challenge #i take vitamins i eat healthy i even go for walks and get fresh air(habit ive had for years now that i dont associate with productivity)#(mostly bc its only at night and i go sit in a park and daydream for hours)#the only semi productive thing i do daily is journal(bc i have no other way to deal with my emotions and need to catalog everything)#i cant go simply try to get a job at my moms work anymore bc her office is too hot for my autistic ass #(same thing happened near the end of her last job and she got annoyed that i was leaving early so often)#i miss being able to draw i miss being able to read i miss being able to play video games i miss being able to feel hopeful for my future #if i could draw and write i'd be able to finish my cool amazing pitches and go pitch them and the companies would love me and give me money #(delusional)#(i can say that in a funny way bc i actually have delusions)

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