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#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid
opens-up-4-nobody
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10 months
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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many
#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts
#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so
#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things
#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day
#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of
#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic
#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts
#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like
#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again
#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid
#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating
#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my
#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked
#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at
#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do
#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand
#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe
#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine
#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave
#unrelated
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