#its anoyign man

[dog-girl-zezora]

i got big boy issues man and everytime i come face to face with them i am the same

everything in my silly little brain gets messy suuuper super fast

things that worked before dont work now and its like relearning how to live eveeryyyy singgleee tiiiime I get fucked up... small things bother you, the future bothers you, youre trying to do moves that you arent thinking about fully and are hazardous at best and you 100% want to run away, where? who cares anywhere!

until one day you wake up and go, nothing bothers me, everything is just fine and im feeling good

with the occasional fuckery and the occasional unavoidable mental breakdowns but those are expected

till the next big thing happens that totttaaally throws you back to the beginning and you gotta relearn, recope, relive how to exist with the same pain the same traumas the same old daily life, with the same tricks the same patterns and its Alllways takes its time... for that spicy extra elongated suffering

My alts are aaalways saying hey dying is easier than this, hey you dont have to do this, hey you could die it would be fine and THEN you have a protector who is stabbing the negativity out of us like you have no choice you have no fucking choice you will live AND you will like it and thats where the suppression of emotions come in, the uncaring attitude towards time and EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING GETS BURIED

and then one day you feel better! and i have PASSED THAT POINT so in a way im gettttinngg better rn, but its alsooo like... okay whens the next break down! zeth please protect me! please stab me till i feel better! please force me to see what you do because i DONT all the time and in my eyes dying will be easier until you cover my pretty little brain with lies and numbness~

then you realize your manic episodes are shortening and suddenly your mood swings are easier to handle again

its such a fucking pain! and everytime i want to kill myself!

but it always always always passes and its like damn living rlly is so hard, i gotta do this for the rest of my life!

fucking woof! what the fuck did i do to deserve this! suicide would be a MERCY!!!

#tw suicide ment #just som thoughts #oh from ila #little drinky #but like. it feels good so fuck off #seriously thoo the headspace isnt as clean cut as you think anyways #as long as zeth has us in override we will do better from now on #even the mental breakdowns are managable! #zeth- Please don't say im forcing you. #HOE YOU ARE THEERE IS NO OTHER CHOICES #zeth- ... I still feel bad. #the amount of times ive said i wanted to die has boosted #the last time i was like this waaaas during covid but i came to terms with that eventually #buuuut its getting betterrrr #sigh #its anoyign man #but it is too late. #jade shouldve pulled the plug when she had the chance. #Zeth- and you're Right. #Zeth- Your life is mine Now. #Zeth- So Shut your mouth and Get in bed. #ooo spicy.. spicy spicy spicy! #fucking catch me bitch