#its a learning process but for now im doing my best. i think. lol

[liure00]

Mixing Stuff Masterpost for Vocal Synth Users

i'll say a few things here and there on how i approach mixing based on a set of guidelines i've been giving thru learning. i won't go 100% and i encourage you research further on your own as everyone has a different perspective of certain concepts. whats important is that you understand the concept so that you are able to interpolate on it with your own liberties. yeah. please read the links before looking at my commentary or you won't understand what im saying.

Some DAWs, Their Guides, & Some Freebies: One of the first things you should do is pick a DAW and learn how to use it and its functions to streamline your mixing process.

Free DAWs: The Best Available in 2023 by Produce Like A Pro

Audacity / DarkAudacity (i like darkaudacity): has a section of the site dedicated to tutorials on using Audacity!

Reaper: has a 3 hour course FREE course on mixing!

FL Studio: has a demo version you can pretty much use forever with a few.........exceptions. I won't be linking any cracked versions though. Here's a manual for this program since many people use it!

Free VST Plugins by Bedroom Producers Blog

37 Best Free Mixing VST Plugins by hiphopmakers

ORDER IN THE COURT!: The order of plugins is more important than you think. These links should also introduce some terms we use in the audio production world (like "gain staging" or "EQing")

WHAT'S THE BEST EFFECTS CHAIN ORDER FOR MIXING? by Icon Collective:

The Order Of Things: Audio Plug-ins by AskAudio

Plugin order is viewed from "top to bottom". BASICALLY... most like to gain stage -> EQ -> compress -> saturate -> MORE EQing -> whatever else at this point, but i do my process a bit differently. don't be afraid to bend the rules a little bit. but the guidelines are there for a reason.....based on what they do

Basics: I'll link to some tutorials to elaborate on what was listed by Icon Collective's list.

Gain Staging: Gain Staging Like a Pro by Sweetwater

Saturation: Saturation in Mixing – Instant Warmth, Glue and Fullness with One Plugin by Tough Tones (soundgoodizer fans make some fucking noise i guess)

EQ: SUBTRACTIVE VS ADDITIVE EQ (WHEN TO USE EACH & WHY) by Producer Hive

Compression: THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO AUDIO COMPRESSION by Icon Collective + Audio Compression Basics by Universal Audio

Modulation: Modulation Effects: Flanging, Phase Shifting, and More by Universal Audio

Time Based Effects: Reverb Vs. Delay: Complete Guide To 3D Mixing by Mastering.com

Audio Busing/Routing/Sending Tracks: Your guide to busing and routing audio tracks like a pro by Splice

Limiters: 10 BEST LIMITER PLUGINS FOR MIXING AND MASTERING by Icon Collective

Sidechaining: Sidechain compression demystified: what it is and how to use it by Native Instruments (i dont know anything about this lol)

Automation: Mix Automation 101: How to Automate Your Sound For a Better Mix by Landr (p.s learn how to write automation in your respective programs)

Last note: great. these are the main things you should focus on understanding in mixing. now you are FREE my friend!

Bonus: Tempo Mapping in Reaper (if you want to learn how to midi songs with bpm changes!!!)

#vocal synth #tutorial #masterpost #mixing #utau #vocaloid #synth v #synthesizer v #cevio #voisona #neutrino #mixing tips #audio production

[pansy-picnics]

how did unknighted dream react to varian coming out/bringing home hugo lol

LMAOOO OK so this is one of my favorite things ever solely bc theres SO MANY different ways it can go and literally all of them are fucking gold

i feel like they always knew varian was Not Straight. im a big fan of the idea that varian transitions after qfad and has a big mental breakdown haircut when his dad gets trapped and considering his feelings towards both eugene and cass i think it was always this unspoken thing all of them knew about. rapunzel and eugene however were obviously Not expecting him to bring home a whole ass boyfriend

of course varian wrote tons of letters home so they both heard everything about the new friends he was making, but varian was insistent on not telling them ANYTHING about his crush because god knows how rapunzel would react if she found out about That. she was suspicious when he came back for the light trial but decided to keep her mouth shut until they were all finished with their work there

i love rapunzel and eugene being super supportive but also a Little protective. and its not really anything to do with anything hugo’s done, they’re all about second chances after all but they’re obviously not ready to see their baby brother grow up so fast. ive seen a lot of fics where one or both of them are very defensive and suspicious towards hugo and it ends with a VERY yummy confrontation from varian where he tells them they need to learn that he’s an adult now and is able to make his own choices and they have to be okay with that. but the route of them being so excited and supportive that it ends up being overbearing is also super funny and in character

i think rapunzel at first would be super excited varian is finding love, and very welcoming towards hugo on a surface level- but as time goes on the tiniest things start to make her paranoid, and she worries a lot about varian getting hurt in some way. cue her snooping around a lot just to make sure he’s okay, varian eventually confronting her about it and her apologizing and promising to recognize varian’s maturity and be more accepting of his choices.

when rapunzel actually starts to see hugo on a deeper level she starts to recognize a lot of his similarities to varian, eugene, and especially herself, and she’s now basically like “oh ok!!! new baby brother!! :)”

she then tries to be a lot more welcoming towards hugo, trying to help him settle into the castle without being too overbearing. of course from hugo’s perspective her seemingly constant mood swings make him very hesitant to trust her, but eventually through varian the two are able to bond and find a lot of common ground

eugene on the other hand is fun bc he’s way more versatile and it can go a LOT of different ways depending on how they’re introduced or how their past together is established. i love the idea of him basically becoming Cass 2.0 and being super overprotective of varian but i also like to imagine he’s mostly just so hostile towards hugo bc he recognizes so much of his younger self and is Cringing about it (he would literally NEVER admit it though). like he’s like “i cannot STAND that kid he always acts so cocky and like he’s sooo much better than me” and cass is like “lmao yeah right? he’s exactly like you when you first came here” and eugene’s just “😐”

anyways they’re best friends (they literally cant stand each other)

no they do start to get along eventually though and i have so many thoughts about the potential friendship between the former thieves, lance hugo and eugene would be SUCH a dynamic and this fandom is sleeping on it fr

and then theres cass. GOD cass is my favorite in this situation by far bc shes way more logical and is like the only grounding force between rapunzel and eugene. new dream are the overemotional parents/older siblings in this situation and cass is like. the wine aunt.

bc see cass already ran into varian at some point during his journey and has already processed most of these changes ahead of time. she already recognized how much varian had matured and how much this trip had changed him. and most importantly she recognized what was going on between him and hugo a Long time ago and literally Did Not Care

in fact cass’s main concern is literally just that she thinks hugo is annoying. its not like she’s suspicious of him at all bc she fully trusts varians judgement and also knows varian is capable of handling himself. she’s aware that varian clearly saw something in hugo and chose him for a reason. she just doesn’t like him solely out of personal bias

cass doesn’t straight up tell raps and eugene what the problem is because she knows they need to hear it from varian more than anything but she does try to kind of push them in that direction. she reminds them like “hey maybe you should try to give the kid more credit. i think he knows what he’s doing” yk that kind of thing.

ironically enough though hugo is WAY more scared of her than he is of anyone else. shes like on the same level as quirin on his list of threats which is hilarious because they are the main 2 people who have like, basically nothing against him

hugo: so is this the part where you tell me you’ll kill me if i hurt varian

cass: ? what?? oh no that bitch is fully capable of killing you himself if he wanted to

hugo: …….yeah thats fair actually.

#ask #tangled the series #rapunzels tangled adventure #vat7k #varian and the 7 kingdoms #varian #princess rapunzel #tangled cassandra #eugene fitzherbert #vat7k hugo #varigo #uknighted dream #new dream #pansy rambling again #tts headcanons #pansy-art #hugo rottewange #tangled ask

[bathroomtrapped]

ur art is so, so amazing, is there anyway u could do a tutorial bc I wanna draw like u so badly

i can try but idrk how to explain myself or make tutorials lol

i think my style is just a product of my brush and what im trying to get out of my art, which is trying to portray the characters as accurately as possible. i rly just want it to look like it could be a stylized redraw of a deleted scene or something

my process is kinda everywhere bc i just move on to whatever step will probably make me hate the piece less when im done with it. i draw with a more square brush (blurring marker 1 on ibis) which i def recommend. its great for focusing on shapes in ur art and it helps me not overblend/forces me to think of more interesting lines/shapes. my sketch is a thicker size of the same pen, focusing on the major shapes and proportions and i just make as many additional layers overtop of it, lowering the size of the pen and adding details as i go

once im at the lineart i usually use a site that creates color palettes based off images (usually just steal some from old catholic art) and i steal my base colors from that. it doesnt matter how terrible ur base colors look as long as they make sense and r what ur generally going for.

these were my original base, i use colored line art and shade the basic shadows using the line art mixed with the base color, highlights r whatever is the lightest color in the palette. after that i duplicate and throw it through this filter

i play w the colors and use it as a color/hue/luminosity layer on top of the original version, lower opacity and render now that theres more colors on the canvas (the filter creates more contrast between the lame base colors i mix, then i can add bounce shadows and shit).

i use a shit ton of digital cheats. single color overlay layers at the end of a piece, pizza face overlay glow, using vignettes around the border to draw the eye towards the subjects at the center, filters, color palette generators, etc. they make things sm easier so u can worry abt experimenting with other things.

i dont rly know how to explain how i do clothes or hair other than focusing on the shadows and worrying abt lights later. this is honestly the best tutorial i can think of bc in my head im just drawing what i see as best as i can with the pen i use. use a fuck ton of reference, do actor face studies, and try to experiment with ur style everytime u draw. ur never gonna learn how to use ur programs or expand if ur bogged down by trying to achieve a specific look. sometimes that thing u were nervous abt bc thats not how ur style usually works is the best thing on the piece at the end.

actually draw only what u want to draw in that very moment and use that as an opportunity to experiment however u can. i just draw chainshipping and find ways to trick myself into learning 👍🏻 sorry this is so bad if u have any specific questions i can try to answer those better

edit: this is what i mean when i say just draw with whatever base colors and use the lineart to add value. i thoroughly hated this piece at this stage but once i adjusted the pallet it felt much more cohesive and i could continue on with the drawing. the best thing i can say is to have absolutely no process past the same few first steps and resign urself to a cycle of self hatred and throwing random bs at the wall to see what sticks

#sorry this is so bad these dubious ass shroom carts beating my god damn ass HOURS later #i deadass woke up saw this and said Fuck bc i knew id want to answer it but i deadass cant think #sorry this didnt make sense. my style id just however i personally fail at achieving complete realism #also merge ur colors and lineart after the base idk makes it less stiff #ive always thought painting is much more forgiving than lineart and cell shading #theyre scary #most of my art is just how i compensate for being unable to rly fully stylize #i havent been able to since high school so i just stick w realism while i unlearn my old bad habits from having an exaggerated style #GOD ANYWAYS #rambling #larry.txt

[taqoou]

hi, your art style is so cool!! i love it

as a beginner artist, i was wondering if you had any helpful tips for procreate or anything? the art world is kinda daunting lol😅

thank u so much!! ive been feeling down ab my art so seeing this in my inbox was like a sweet treat LMAOO 🎀

so back to the q…. im afraid i dont have any mind blowing tips. its normal to feel overwhelmed as a beginner, but everyone starts somewhere! i say familiarize urself with basic procreate shortcuts (loads of tutorials online) and always play around with their settings! it should be helpful for the learning process along the way.

for eg ermm i used to abuse the gradient maps settings to pretend i know shit ab colouring 😭💀 i still do tbh, except now i understand how it actually works and i can easily get the colours that i want.

some of the things i learned:

1. cool lineart (i always use this as a part of my render process)

2. art is subjective, pick any that you think suits your preference/is fun to use

for brush, do you prefer it round or textured? lots of pressure sensitivity or none? i like my brushes textured and with a good amount of pressure sensitivity. for blending, do you prefer the transition colour to appear smooth or textured/messy? i sometimes mix between both to give a sense of harmony, but i like it textured more. it all comes down to what feels right to you. pick a few artyles that you like and incorporate it into ur own! pretty basic tip but thats the best way that i know. just pretend ur a mad scientist trying to find cure for like cancer or sumn

3. personal opinion: brush type matters

dont listen when someone says the type of brush u use doesnt matter. yes you can draw with any brush. yes all brushes work the same way 🤯🤯🤯. but theres gotta be that ONE brush that just hits the spot for you, as if its made specially for Your Hands….. unfortunately theres no shortcut to finding Your Brush. it took me 4 years of endless experimenting to find mine.

if ur curious on what brushes i use, i have it listed in my carrd. however i still experiment a lot and dont rly bother to update it, but those should be what i use the most/my top favs !

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

i dont think this covers everything, but this is all i could think of from the top of my head. just lots of trials and errors really, and dont be afraid to make a mess!!! i hope this answers ur question :33 all the best!

#ask #tutorial #-ish? #hope i answered this right jdhfgwj

[nerves-nebula]

Hey again, so with your beautifully designed au in comic style/format (just how you seperatr thr borders n whetr u place like the story/images just makes my brain get very pleasebt) I was wondering how would you start a comic/au or formay it? Like where yoh put your borders n boxes.

Im trying to start my own au yet im very confused on whrre to even start. Also havr an amazing rest of May, hope you are doing well♡

(alzo very sorrg about the spelling mistakes n if this dorsnt maks srnsr its currrntly 2am n brainworms (tmnt aus) wont let me sleep)

OK SO LIKE. i'm still very much a comics amateur but also I've been making them since i was like 8 years old so I guess I can probably give you some GENERAL advice.

Here's a breakdown of my process

write the script (i usually write the script ahead of time but i often edit it up until i make the page)

sit around with my eyes closed imagining a comic page (you will get better with this the more comics you make/read. always try to remember the make the paneling interesting/relevant. sometimes tho a square is the best option lol)

thumbnail the comics (thumbnail = very quick and small sketches of general shapes, lines of action of characters, panel placement, and word bubble placement)

now I move on to either pre-sketching (if its a more polished comic) or just freehanding the whole page (if it's a more sketchy quick style comic, like my leo memory one is) this is where I generally finalize the layout of the comics. I think i have a few webcomic WIP rpages I can use as an example below.

REMINDER it's important to always drop your text/word bubbles into the comic presketches, and try to figure them into your thumbnailing. you don't want to accidentally not leave enough room for the words and have to crunch stuff together.

anyway here's an example of thumbnailing (probably only an inch or two big irl), presketching, and the final page.

buuuut like i said I'm not a professional at this, but here's helpful walk through written by a REAL comic artist that I particularly like: How To Sakana (click through to read the whole thing, its broken up into pages)

(my last advice is to look for more of these types of guides made by other comic artists. I'm only an amalgamation of the people I've learned from lol)

#nnstuff #ask #art reference #nnart

[galactikburzt]

Oh yeah remember that one post i made about that forbidden testing tracks mod before it came out a while ago

I have decided that I am gonna be this mod's strongest soldier because some people out there are being mean about this mod when there was clearly a lot of passion behind it and it really seems to be someone's first mod ever and like, i do really hope that we get to see new things from the creator in the future because i do see a lot of potential in the mod

Putting my thoughts over the mod in detail under the cut

Personally, I do think that this mod's main issue was that it tried to be way too much at the same time

Which, as someone who likes writing for myself from time to time, I get it. Sometimes you kind of just write something so ambitious that you later realize that its so big for you that you wont be able to manage to get yourself to complete it

The mod has A LOT of mechanics, and I mean A LOT. While I have never had the chance to learn how to build puzzles in portal since my pc is currently not working, I do know a little bit about level design since I am interested in the topic, and also because I do also like messing around on custom level editors whenever I can which was the thing that made me feel interested on level design lol (i really love seeing video essays about gameplay mechanics whenever i can because i do find that very fascinating but that's not the point i am trying to make right now)

Forbidden testing tracks does have lots of mechanics, several multiple types of guns, a dimensional traveling portal sort of, i think, sparks you can jump on, explosive cubes, hell it even has a test room that rotates itself

When you put it out in paper like that it sounds amazing

But the thing is, I can't get myself to mention all of these mechanics, and that's the thing

The mod has so many mechanics, that it is difficult for the player to process all of these new things at the same time

Some of these mechanics appear only once or twice only to not be used ever again

I do think, that whenever you add a new mechanic to a game of any genre, you need to let the player have the chance to process it, learn it, and mess around with it until they get the hang out of it

Let's take a look at the first portal game for example

Im not gonna go into detail about all of the mechanics and how the entire game is constructed because that would be exhausting and too long to write, but I do want to point out the introduction of the portal mechanics

At the very start of the game, we do see the first portal in the game, which we need to use to get out of chell's relaxation vault

We don't have the portal gun in our hands yet, and for a person trying to play for the first time it would be overwhelming to get the gun with both the orange and blue portals at the same time, so the game lets the player get through one portal to walk through to get to the outside of the relaxation vault

And then the player is able to process the main mechanic of the game in that way, you get through one portal and you come out to the other one

There are other tests that do a similar thing to get the player to be used to the portal mechanics and the portal gun

like the test we get after the first one and the test we use to learn how to use the portals to reach higher places, so we can get to learn about stuff like learning where to place portals, how to move around and how do portals work in general, all before we get the two portal gun thing so it can be easier to process for a regular player

(sorry if i am not explaining myself correctly 😭😭😭)

I do think that the mod could benefit itself by focusing on one or two mechanics, like some other mods out there like Aperture tag and Portal Reloaded, who do focus on the gel gun and the time travel mechanics respectively

And speaking of adding way too much, I do think the writing does also suffer from this in a way

So there's this core called SAIC (which is honestly the best part out of the entire mod in my opinion)

I think that the voice acting for him is very good, and I personally Do love his animations as well

When I first saw the trailer I was very excited to see this core in particular, because his lines were delivered very well and I was excited to see more of him in general

but unfortunately, he didn't really get too much dialogue

Yeah, there is this section at the second chapter where we grab him for a bit, but he really just says two small dialogues at the start and at the end

After we meet him, we kind of just hold him for a bit and he doesn't say anything while we walk until we get at his management rail

The game does have a couple walking sections which can feel empty sometimes

I think the game would have benefited from small dialogues through the way while walking these long ways, along with solving some small puzzles outside of the main test chambers, something like the start of portal stories mel with the old aperture which had the player exploring the place without it feeling too lonely thanks to the recordings and later also virgil along the way so the player doesn't feel too lost

There are many things that come off as out of context, we don't really know about SAIC's motivations as far as I can remember and the first half of the game feels very empty, because there's nothing to guide you or give you context

Maybe someone could think that the creator didn't leave too many recordings so the player could feel lonely, but sincerely it is very possible to have a game full of dialogue along the way which also makes you feel isolated, and Portal 1's atmosphere along with GLaDOS having lots of dialogue through every chamber proves it

So while we have the first part of the game being completely empty and out of context, then we have the second half of the game which is overwhelming.

So, let me try to describe it

A lot of nothing happened, i THINK that SAIC was trying to get us to escape, and then GLaDOS catches the player or something and then SAIC apparently dies. And then Wheatley takes over the facility because TURNS OUT that the whole thing is happening at the same time of portal 2

Then things happen i guess and the player just keeps testing because i forgot why, then something happens and we are at the moon and apparently cave johnson is alive and then turns out SAIC's death was a fakeout, and then there's something about Rachel Johnson twin sister of chell because of a something failure???? And then i think everyone just decides to destroy aperture at the end

Just like some of these mechanics out there, there are so many things in the story coming out of nowhere (along with some of these way too into the headcannon territory) that feel out of context, and overwhelming, and then there are some elements which are not used enough or just appear once or twice to not be seen ever again, like SAIC, for example

His voice feels nice to listen to, and I feel like the mod would have benefited itself by having more dialogue and exploring his character with small stuff like him peeping in to say a couple things and adding random comments even if it's just something like a "so... What's your name?" "Hey hey, over here!" Or anything like that

He genuinely should have gotten more screen time, the way his lines were delivered was very nice to hear even if his dialogue was short and the writing could get nonsensical

I think SAIC has the potential to be just impactful as Wheatley if handled correctly, but unfortunately he was set aside even if he was supposed to be one of the main characters because the mod itself was trying to add way too much at the same time, which didn't allow the player to get attached to the story

I think the creator just. Added so much that they couldn't focus on the details of the story

which is understandable because I myself had a couple original stories that never saw the light of the day for the same reason

I realized on the hard way that I was biting off way more than I can chew, because i kept adding more and more, to the point i either had so many characters with no purpose or i couldn't get to work on details because there was too much to work on

So yeah, I do think that sometimes less is more in creative projects, you don't need to be the next super big project immediately, just focus on the essentials and then add the final details later. Try to know the size of your project and keep it in mind, because even short things can be very enjoyable and memorable to experience

With that aside, there's only one question left that I do want to answer

Why

Why do I like this mod so much? What do I see in it for me to call myself the #1 fan of PFTT despite everyone disliking it? Why am I taking the time to write a long essay about a mod that probably no one else aside from me might even like?

Well, I'm pretty sure you have noticed me repeating this one specific word through the whole essay so far:

Potential.

Yeah, the mod is messy both story and gameplay wise, but I think that the mod does have a lot of effort and passion put behind it

I seriously hope that the creator is not gonna end up stopping with doing more content after feeling discouraged by the reactions of all these people

Because I do think that this developer could create for example, the next portal stories mel, or the next aperture tag in the future

Because even if it is very flawed, I think the mod does have it's charm regardless

Yes, it was surreal to watch, it made no sense sometimes, it had lots of things coming out of nowhere, and some other couple things

But I had a good time watching it

I absolutely love SAIC, and when I saw the trailer I KNEW that he would be one of my favourite characters once the mod came out, and I was right

Even if the mod was nothing like what I have expected

I had lots of fun while watching this mod, and sincerely I do wish I was able to play it despite everything

Because it seems like something you could get on a call with a couple friends and talk about it

And ironically even if I can't remember the story, waiting for the mod once the trailer came out, and later watching this mod on a stream through one sitting was one of the most memorable things i could have experienced

I can't stop thinking about SAIC, even if he didn't appear as much as I hoped he would, and even if he didn't have that much time to shine, he has left an impact on me despite everything

When i saw this line in the ending screen while seeing other people's reactions it absolutely broke my heart

I do want to wish lots of luck to the creator, and I genuinely hope to see what they create in the future

And I hope people are gonna be kind to this new creator, because I can tell that this mod clearly had a lot of passion and love behind it

Now, Lastly I do want to apologize if there's anything i have not worded correctly, since English is not my first language

And with that aside, I am gonna end this essay right here (unless there's anything i forgot to mention that i want to edit in the future aha)

Thank you for reading, and have a nice day

#galactikburzt rambling #portal #portal forbidden testing tracks #SAIC portal #claiming myself as the number one forbidden testing tracks fan immediately /hj

[weirdcursedvaultkid]

hii!!! i’ve been following you for a long time now and i really love your art!! i’ve also been trying to learn how to draw so i was wandering if you’d have some advice for someone who’s completely new to this ??? pleek-

forgot to say this in the original ask, but of you have any tips on how to draw hair i’d thank you forever 😭 i’m really struggling with that

aw thanks! idk if im the best to ask for advice but hopefully you find any of this useful!

honestly it's really as simple as just drawing even if you think it looks bad don't get discouraged because it's all part of the process and you will get better when you are drawing on a regular basis. just look at the first drawings i had on here compared to my more recent stuff - the more you do it the better you'll get!

look for inspiration and references, its not cheating to use references as long as you are not straight up copying your reference 1 to 1. i like going on pinterest for inspiration especially for clothes! i also like to see what other artists are doing, instagram is also good for finding art inspo, i also found watching speed paints on youtube a good way of seeing how other people color and how to apply it to your own drawings

I'll talk more about what i do under the cut lol

for my process, i like to start off with a super messy sketch im talking chicken scratch. it's not supposed to look good its just supposed to give you a base for your drawing and allow you to figure out what you want to do.

then i start a new layer on top, lower the opacity of the initial sketch and i start drawing on top and refining everything so I have a cleaner sketch that's closer to the final drawing. this is usually where i finish figuring out the poses anatomy, hair, expressions, hands etc. it's still kind of messy but it'll feel more like you are filling in the blanks rather than starting from scratch

finally i do my lineart in another layer and for your lineart where you just make sure to keep your lines smooth and clean

Then i just do my base colors and shade, for this one i didn't really go all out with the shading so it may not be the best example lol, i just kept it simple which is ok! sometimes less is more it just depends how you want the final piece to look.

for hair specifically - i don't really have a tutorial, when i draw hair i just sketch out the shape i want the hair to have in the initial sketch, and then i had more detail when i clean up my sketch. I usually start by adding the strands that frame the face first or the hairline and then go out from there to the rest of the hair. I also don't draw every single strand, i tend to keep it more simple since i have a simple style

I found this tutorial on pinterest which pretty much how i go about it execpt i usually have a rough idea of the overall shape first and i don't go as detailed as the final result, i usually stop around the third step

i hope ANY of this was helpful and not too rambley! feel free to ask more if you have any more questions!

#mella speaks #idk how good i am at giving art tips but i hope it helps! #asks

[cqtlatte]

hi! dunno if this has been answered before or if youre in the mood to get interviewed, but im sososo in love with your art - im esp fascinated by the different textures n how you color. everything about your art scratches my brain just right!! im rlly interested in your process. are you more intuitive with a piece, or do you usually map out a pretty clear outline/palette beforehand? what's your fav/least fav part of your process? would you ever post timelapses or maybe no bc of ai?

heyo anon, thanks a bunch !! <33

I have talked about my process here and there but I'm generally all over the place about it KFHDSJGJDJSD

I used to plan out my color palettes back in 2020 since I wasn't that great at coloring (it was pretty painful for me..!! lots of my work looked bland bc of it) and I didn't really know how to draw backgrounds either so they were always an afterthought.

I blabbed a bit about how I learned how to jump over that hurdle in another ask!

Usually I have a hard time visualizing what I want to draw in my head, so unless I have a clear picture in mind, my sketches are definitely where I begin forming my ideas.

At this point in my art journey, I plan both the background and the character together so the finished piece looks more cohesive. Most of my coloring process by now is pretty intuitive since I can generally feel what colors work together and what doesn't, and I also edit my pieces with tone curve,gradient maps, and color balance if needed.

this was from an ask I got on twitter, but I think it's super relevant and the best explanation I was able to put into words, so I want to reshare here⤵️

"Generally when in the early stages of a piece, I start off with some limited and often very light pastel-like colors. I also keep shapes simple, just for the sake of planning my composition's direction.

As I render in details, I gradually bring in my more darker + saturated colors. I like to check the piece in black and white often to make sure there's a full range of values. This also helps to verify if the composition itself is clear and understandable even without the help of colors. Usually this is why many artists start in black and white and then bring in their colors, since it saves time in that area."

My least favorite part of my process??? I'd say the sketch 😭😭😭😭😭 sometimes its fun though,,,,?

The feeling of knowing what you want to draw but not being able to put it down on paper is so... RAGHHH. OR that moment where the sketch looks better than the finished product.

Actually I noticed this more while doing commissions, since I become more hyper aware to meet the client's request.

I have posted timelapses before!!! Ta daaa

I haven't recorded more because clip studio used to lag a lot with the timelapse feature on, but I recently got more ram so maybe I'll give it another shot eventually?

#asks #hope you'll enjoy my blabbing T_T <3 thanks again!

[merry-the-cookie]

alright email sent now that thats done lemme speak candidly the 5sos merch process became a fuckcing trigger after i was done with it so forgive me for like. not engaging at all with it by the end of the process cus i legit needed to recover

i was not taking good care of myself, i was absolutely going through it at work, my mental health was in the ground, it was hell. i learn from every experience and i dont want to let myself get traumatized all over again from doing merch because i do love it in the end, i just take a while to find my own boundaries and limits and i struggle with not letting it take over my entire life. i think i’ve learned from this (again) so hopefully it wont be as draining to send the remaining stock (if ordered at all lol)

im really sorry to all the friends i didnt communicate with, its not an excuse and im working on bettering myself with all this shit.

i hope i can slowly but surely enjoy 5sos again in a way that doesn’t become as suffocating as it did when i was fully in the merch process :’) its honestly just my own boundaries that i keep crossing, so idk hopefully i find some patience and self respect or whatever whilst still doing my best to deliver a good product and a good experience 👍🏼✨

#idk if the merch will go anywhere this time around but im out of a job and having problems with unemployment so like. #fingers crossed i guess lmfao #ok but ive needed to say this for a while now but i didnt wanna like. taint anyones thoughts on this or whatever #im really sorry i ghosted so many people i just couldnt even bear to think about any of this #its so horrible bc i do rlly love making merch but everytime it comes down to it i just work myself into the ground and its so #its so fucking draining #anyways. im sorry guys it doesnt make up for being a bad friend. im just :( im sorry guys #teresa.txt

[kirnet]

this isnt an actium update sunday its an actium ramblings sunday. i keep thinking that THIS is the sunday that i can announce that chap 2 is totally done but, no. it keeps dragging on.

i already knew this before i started, but i do not like long form project lol. i need instant gratification. its the reason i post everything i paint and write the second i finish it. i get very obsessed with something for a few weeks or months (right now its dwta) that i can work on endlessly and then the fascination stops. now, projects like dwta and grave and weep are easier to get myself to work on bc 1) writing takes less than than illustration full comic pages and 2) i get feedback and comments every time i post a chapter. and once i get into that place in actium where i’m actually posting, i will have SO much more motivation omg. i really do feed off of that engagement

i know i will work faster if i treat every page as its own separate artwork and sketch, line, color, and shade each one in one sitting. but that just isn’t a good practice for the consistency of the comic. right now im doing all of a chapters worth of sketching, then all of the lines, then colors, etc etc. which while it is the best way is also the more boring way. im working to find a happy medium, and the more pages i do the more i learn to streamline my process, so i know that this frustration is only temporary

it doesnt help that im having chronic pain flare ups and that my computer keeps crapping out and that im trying to get more hours at work lol. (i did figure out the tremors situation though so yay!)

suffice to say, comic will not start coming out in june lol. new target is december and hopefully HOPEFULLY i will have more than the 5 target chapters worth by then. we’ll see. currently i have 160 pages out of the 209 needed to finish, but i should complete another 40+ very very soon. (im just in flatting hell rn lol). i have also created a lot of assets and references over the course of the first two chapters that i can reuse which will really help cut down on time.

anyways. i just wanted to thought dump about how it’s going. when it does come out i plan for it to update every other friday, and chapters 1-5 should be about 17 updates worth of content, so i should have a buffer of 34 weeks. hopefully by then ill have my shit together lol. thx for reading and all of your encouragement thus far!

#i know everything will be so much easier once i start posting i just gotta keep chugging #ramblings #actium posting

[eirian]

im gonna ramble about my old hetalia fandom experience and memories for a minute bc im feeling nostalgic. snip snip

so i got into hetalia in 2012 after seeing a screening with my friend @mephilesthegay at an anime con. i dont remember much about the process of me falling in love with it at the time, but i do remember tumblr was a huge influence on that--i discovered the ask blog community, which was SUPER huge in the hetalia fandom at the time, and i wanted in! so, i made askdeadpreussen, which was my first and most loved hetalia ask blog for an au of prussia where he was...dead. lol. b/c if u know hetalia u know that theres a whole thing about prussia being dead at some point

i think the ask blogs were what really drew me into the fandom part. i had multiple ask blogs--dead prussia to start, and then a BUNCH of 2ptalia blogs...even a 3p/4ptalia blog at one point! it was a fun way to interact with other fans and artists as well as work on my own art skills. i really do miss ask blog days ngl but my energy would not allow for that as much x'D

but ya like. i made so many friends from my hetalia days! i still have a couple :) we've all kind of moved on from it of course and gotten other interests, but we all still have that tying us together

its crazy how hetalia held so many different interest points for me. honestly the base hetalia concept wasnt necessarily what appealed to me (the whole humanized country thing); it was mostly the way the characters interacted with each other and their relationships as people rather than nations. that, and the whole au scene that came from them. oh my god the aus...even the canon ones! its crazy how many canon variants hetalia has. mochitalia, nyotalia, nekotalia, chibitalia (even tho chibitalia is just..them as children so its not rly an au per se)--i consider 2ptalia canon as well b/c the creator made it. but the fandom made so many cool aus themselves as well! demontalia and wingtalia and monstertalia were just a few that i remember and loved!

i think i was way more into 2ptalia than base hetalia anyway. 3p/4ptalia was a big interest by extension but not a lot of ppl really liked 3p/4ptalia. i was one of the weirdos that did x'D i just love "same but different" stuff !!!! i think thats where i got it from, was the 2p/3p/4ptalia stuff

hetalia really shaped a lot of who i am, at least in regards to interests and stuff. plus? the art style i had when i was big into hetalia is probably the best art style i ever had. it was definitely Me, and i still try to use it every now and then--you can see it in my "natural" art style that i try to use sometimes. hetalia really influenced my childhood for better or for worse, including my early art career lol

anyway. all of this to say despite its glaring flaws, i appreciate that hetalia was a part of my life at one point. for one reason or another it got me interested in learning new languages and learning about new cultures, which whether intentional or not, it happened, so theres also that. this isnt me praising it for being ~culturally explorative/appreciative~ or anything like that bc it obviously has its problems, but im just saying for me personally it did open up new worlds and ideas to me that i dont think i would have had if i hadnt been into it--friends, creative ideas, artistic expressions, fandom experiences...all of that was thanks to hetalia for me

so ya. end of ramble there lol

[thisdreamplace]

hi. i wish i had the courage to come off anon but im not comfortable with it. but i just had a good cry while scrolling through your blog. thank you. honestly, life has been so sad for years. in 2020, i found out about the law. life has been rough & i just want softness. all of these rules that have been thrown at me do not make me feel good. i’m even afraid to type this at this point bc it may “mess up my manifestation”. but all this forcing is not worth it. does anyone ever stop and say “is all this worth it”? not about being god but all the rules & methods & techniques. does anyone ever want to live in peace? i feel like all of it isn’t peace. at least for me. in my head, god is stress free. but i can’t even wake up or go to sleep without the constant thought of negativity. i wake up “man, my 3d is still this way ugh, let me ignore & force these affirmations down my throat” and repeat the next day. i haven’t enjoy my life for 2 years. is anyone not tired like me??? 😭 it’s all supposed to be simple. i’m not the type to repeat forced affirmation & analyze every damn thing. i just want to eat ice cream & chill. lol. after scrolling through your blog, i see it’s ok. it’s okay to do whatever feels right for me. i hate that i had to see your blog to understand that. i wish i believed in myself the way i believed in others. i was already thinking i should just do my own thing but i didn’t trust it. i had to see a blog say it. 🥲 no more of that tho. i trust me. if we think about it, someone had to discover this law themselves. who’s to say we can’t just come up with something our self. there is no limit. blogs & loa related people don’t resonate with me anymore (no hate at all, i’ve just evolved in some way). i believe the true feeling is what brings you peace within. what truly resonates with me is creating my own thing. so that’s what i’ll do. so this is my official goodbye to the community.

ty beautiful blog that i just so happened to come across a second ago. 😂💞

hi <3

awe anon. tbh i think a lot of people are tired. i think its morseo frightening to let it all go though. the scary thing is once you learn about this law, there is no turning back. there is always that voice bugging you that says, "you caused this, its your fault, change it ! fix it now !" the sort of peace our past ignorance used to bring is no longer an option. we cant forget everything we know. but how can we move forward from here, branching off with all we know now ? its honestly terrifying when you put so much time and energy and faith into this for so long.

its actually very beautiful that this blog gave you a sense of light ! i love that ! this is literally why i love people and interaction and experiences. because we can move forward and grow in such positive ways thanks to the light of someone else ! thats literally so beautiful to me ! its why we are here together !!! omg

i'm glad that youre finally setting urself free. take it moment by moment n be patient with yourself as you find what feels best, and learn what its like to really listen to yourself. i remember during my break how i went throught this process and i told one of my friends it felt like i was literally recovering from addiction. bc thats essentially what its become for many. logging into whatever platform everyday, getting their daily high from all the motivational content and success stories, just to crash again later when the world just isnt seemingly bending to their will like the top accounts promised. its really an addicting doomloop. so take it easy and be okay with wherever you are at a moment.

if u ever feel comfortable to come off anon, i would love to be friends <3 sending all the love and sunshine to u on ur new journey ! xo

[murdoc]

this is a weird post to make, but i dont really have many places to say it and i wanna share my thoughts Somewhere lol

so i found my dad after more than a decade of being out of contact with him (probably since 2010? at latest, very early 2011). or rather, after every few years of searching for a little while and coming up fruitless, he made a new facebook less than three weeks ago and i just happened to get Really lucky timing.

just before him i had also found my (former) step sister + mom, as well as my half sister (all sisters younger than me and previously i couldnt find), and.. its a strange experience to finally see people who used to be so close to you in your life show uo again, visibly older and doing their own thing.

its hard to explain.. its almost like youve woken up from a coma. you have memories and have had dreams of these people for years and years and during that time you never really realized that the image you have of them was one trapped in amber; even when youre cognizant of the passage of time, your mind just can't take into consideration the individualized process of aging, both physically and where the passage of time will take them and their relationships. you realize these people are now essentially strangers to you.

my (former) step mom has remarried again and has her own set of children (again), one of my step uncles ended up passing away, my step sister is no longer how i remembered her in 2007 from one of the few photos i have of her in my possession and is posting hippie white woman stuff on her feed, my half sister doesnt share my last name (paternal) anymore, nor her mother or new husband's, whom she is having a child with. i was able to figure out it was her because of the name and how she looks strikingly like her mom and has photos with my dad in them.

my dad himself has aged significantly since he's last shared a photo of himself anywhere. he used to always wear hats, but in a new photo he's got solid white hair despite being in his early 40s and is balding (HE did this to me..) and finally learned what glasses suit his face better LMAO. honestly, he looks better now than he ever did when i've seen him. which i think was one of the biggest shockers because god he looked so lame. this also gives me hope for myself B)

the thing i noticed the most though is how "normal" him and my half sisters turned out. granted, he was always so much more put together than my mother-- i'm sure thats why they didnt really like each other lmao. but, while im not sad about my life, even if it's definitely different than i assumed for my age, i can't help but wonder where i'd be if i had allowed myself to overcome the fear of my mother and went to go live with my dad like we had planned in 2008 or 2009.

however, just from how hard it has been to piece together the state of that side of my family, i don't think any speculation could even be remotely accurate. ive also never really been one to dwell on what could be anyway. at the end of the day i cant undo how horrific my childhood was, but i can make steps to grow from it and learn to love who i am and where i am now.. for how cheesy that sounds 😭

i am glad i finally got a bit of closure on this though. i knew my dad was still around somewhere, but not knowing anything beyond "he's alive" for so long left me with a lot of questions, now mostly answered. it's nice to know he seems to be doing good and that he's there for my younger sisters (not sure about my step sister, but i have an additional half sibling that i never met beyond a few times as a toddler and it seems she's fine too). i know that social media doesn't tell all and is usually finely curated to share the best moments, but i'm saying this in comparison to my mother who would never in a million years do what he seems to be doing.. down to having custody of his kids LMAO.

i don't think i'll ever reach out to any of them though. i know my dad still thinks of me once in a blue moon, as he's dedicated a birthday post to me some years ago on a now deleted profile, but if you can imagine.. i think my change in the last 13 years or so is a bit more drastic than just growing up. not to mention they have their own lives going on and it all seems just fine.

i guess if he ever does try to find me, he'll find out that my former step uncle (different one who is still alive) who teased him about only having girls was wrong LMAO. but i dont think he could ever find me unless he got in contact with my older sister who isn't doing too hot rn, or my mother.... and if it's my mom he goes through, i sure as hell hope he thinks finding his now son was worth it. i sure as hell wouldnt go through talking with my mom if i was him.

i dont think i ever made a post so long and detailed about my life on here??? if someone fsr actually read this... hi :) why did you do that? you are silly

#diary #very long and personal post. you can read it idc but its primarily about finding my father and there is a quick death mention Unrelated

[i-left-my-room-tidy]

I'm also confused now mhmm

I mean... i'm still very indecisive about how I personally want to view the human mind, its consciousness, and realities... especially in regards to manifestation and reality shifting.

I must say i don't know that much about the writings of those people you mentioned. i'm currently reading neville goddard's books. English isn't my mother tongue. So, the archaic english parts REALLY confuse me sometimes but his way of interpreting the bible is really interesting.

Before getting into law of assumption and reality shifting, I was generally into spirituality and witchcraft. I even had a huge tumblr blog for tarot readings lol... yk through channeling my spirit guides and 'predicting' things so to say. Though, my way of viewing myself and the world I'm in changed a lot over the past view years.

But it's kinda like wanting to set puzzle pieces together but there are puzzles pieces from different pictures and some fit together (physically) that are not really meant to be together (image-wise) iykwim? And later on, you find out that some parts were wrongly put together so you have to revise it (your beliefs) and start again from zero... it's a difficult and really confusing journey imo.

And as i'm not really able to grasp the concept of this reality yet and what role my consciousness in all this plays, it's also really difficult to decide what role other people's souls and 'soulmates' play in this.

Oftentimes, I just want to simplify everything for me just because it all seems so overwhelmingly complicated. (Thats also why i wrote a very vague explanation in that soulmates ask - i tried to keep it simple.) Which reminds of what neville goddard keeps mentioning that humans always try to analyse everything even the simplest things and therefore always end up with complicated 'conclusions' which in turn makes them stray afar from the (very simple) quintessence. (idk if that made sense now lol)

I know this whole rant was probably completely useless to you, it just shows my confusion... sorry once again my mind is very scatterbrained and i don't know where im going with all those thoughts most of the time :')

Anyways, I still have plans to shift to a (what I like to call) 'spirit cafe dr' which is just a dr in a 'otherworldly' caféshop setting where I can talk with my spirit guides and other entities. And I plan to ask them about all this (and more)/to learn from them. I don't know when I will do it, probably not anytime soon because i'm busy with university but I definitely need answers lol

Btw have you already shifted to your jesus dr?

[thanks for this ask!]

and don't apologise for the rant! while i won't claim to understand everything that you've said, i do think you make a point with goddard's belief of analyses. i myself fall subject to that 😭😭

sometimes, we want to understand the world so much—and it's as if each change needs to be predicted, just so we fulfill our desire for knowing. i think that's where your experience with your worldview shifting and my habit of theorising fall under. as you've mentioned, the journey is a puzzle, and in some cases, the pieces never always fit together as expected. we both want to know what would be of us, and why; we want to know when, where, and how it would happen.

my best guess is that it's merely human nature at play. certainty isn't always guaranteed, as can be depicted by the presence of change itself. so, we try to make solutions for a problem that should have been left alone. I'm not saying it's inherently wrong, but the processes we take make it our lives harder than we need to. call it a lapse in judgement, if you will.

I'm not as versed with the concept of spirit guides nor do i always try to seek them out, but i do know they're very significant to everyone's journeys. that's mostly a matter of opinion, but don't let it stop you. i hope you get the answers that you seek!

and don't be shy about the rant! it's refreshing to see someone else's thoughts on the matter, actually. it usually takes me some time to respond, but i love long-winded discussions.

as for my jesus DR, not yet, because it's not that urgent for me as of the moment. I'm currently focused on my fame DR. but i do hope to shift (or mini-shift) to my jesus DR at least once this year, on or before christmas [just to celebrate it in time lmao].

#shifting #shifting realities #reality shifting #desired reality #shift #shifting shenanigans

[cats-thoughts]

can i ask your oc's name? and do you have any lore for them you'd be willing to share? their design is amazing!!

oh! thank you so much! their name is Ender, they're actually based off of ANOTHER oc of mine that i posted once, the Ender Knight. It's basically a modern au of the Ender Knight and those folk. (i say, knowing i have posted nothing of "those folk")

uhh lets see, lore tidbits, um, they use it/they pronouns (like me >:]) and are very protective of their friend Ash! It learned to fight after defending Ash and getting it's ass kicked (it still won tho. just not by a lot. Well, win is subjective. They didn't LOSE because they never gave up or got knocked out. But it was fighting someone much bigger than it and much more experienced, so it didn't do a lotta damage) now they're very good at fighting >:D

oh! something thats really important to their character is that they actually suffer from chronic pain in their lower back and hips, and occasionally legs. so it uses a cane on some days (when its extra bad it just doesn't show up to school, i think that's a valid response) Im not an expert in chronic pain so I've been trying to research it lots cause i really don't wanna get it wrong, so here's to hoping i don't mess up terribly! I noticed an extreme lack of chronic pain representation and, you know, be the good you wanna see in the world and what not. Thought process was something along the lines of "strong character, but with chronic pain, because people with chronic pain are strong as heck and deserve to be represented as such" sorry I'm going on about this a lot

their household is just them and their father! he used to be a rockstar and he is very cool and supportive of it and all of its endeavors even if those endeavors are kicking the shit out of people for being pricks (as long as it has a reason and those people are capable of defending themselves, of course, because he doesn't endorse meaningless violence especially against people who cant defend themselves. luckily Ender is actually very chill and only punches people when it becomes necessary in their mind) this is bc i do not see enough single father appreciation and my dad is doing his very best and i am very proud of him ^v^

uhhh final notes its demisexual/bi and plays the ukulele

oh and they painted their shoes themself! the constellations I stuck on them (if i remember correctly) are Draco (a reference to the Ender Knight) Apus and Corvus (bird imagery) Canes Venatici (hunting dogs, as Rory often refers to them as "ash's pet guard dog") Lion and Lynx (felines/cats bc my name is Cat :])

hope this is comprehensive lol

#chatwithcat #im so hyped that people like them!!! #happy wiggles the entire time i wrote this

[sunflowersnpearls]

Husbands' words are not matching actions and vice versa. Hes been "venting" to "me" in front of our oldest (turning 16 may 10) on our "current" marriage?....problem(s).

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and one time he asked me to play a song so I for one am so plugged up i cant really hear much, sometimes even music is too loud (sensory processing disorder) and I guess i didnt even hear him say something and the child caught on to what was happening and said "you're ignoring dad again"

So i spoke to her instead of him since she said it, & I said "I didnt ignore him. I didnt hear him. I was hyper focused on the song he requested me to play."

And then he went on just one of many other rants in front of her, asking "you dont think I ever hyper focus on anything? When Im home on my days off, I feel like im your servant" All day anytime I asked for help, to him I was demanding it and not appreciating stuff he did and then he would not stop talking about every single thing he did today around the house and for our children and its like.... ok cool.

And people get paid to do what i do here at home, every single day all day long. Didn't say it would be easy, however I did ask for help. He tried to say he understands im frustrated bcuz im home all day and i guess i interrupted and was rude bcuz i said "Its not THAT, at all" (cuz its...not?) Lastly i stumbled upon his fave song & started playing it & asked him to plz get me my night meds bcuz I am so fucking cold to the touch, esp to others. And moving makes it hurt.:// He said "You can just not play the song now. Thanks." So uhh.. Like all I am learning here is 1) I need to stop asking him to help me w/ literally anything and like he has said in the past which I clearly shouldve listened to: "If you (*me doing this: "cough" "cough") WANT something RIGHT NOW!, I'll have to get up and get it myself or wait until I he is ready to do it." And 2) I've been right all along. I cant count on even my own Husband so like uhh.... okay. And Now to him, I'm just a burden. Let alone ya know, i guess having influenza and not doing shit around the house "today" (literally just today, and actually, i still did some stuff which is better than none lol) and hes acting like he deserves a fucking gold medal. For what? Being a husband a father and taking responsibility of everything whilst your wife is ill? K. Never asking you for shit now. Ill send lists to him at work if the house needs anything. He hasnt had sex from me in a month because for the past 2 months steady, I have been sick with an upper respiratory virus affecting my asthma and everything else and now this so uhh, my bad. Next time I'll just faint (again) & hit my head probably (again) and then maybe, theyll see that hes just gonna send me by myself and come pick me up when Im done being in there because he has to sleep for work tomorrow. Not to ya know, dare mention that if the bulging disc in my spine "RUPTURES", all signs & symptoms of paralysis will hit fast & clearly that would become a huge Emergency Situation... So I was "told to do it anyway" by him even after explaining the deck was covered in thick broken shattered ice chunks and with my slip on shoes that are the only shoes i can wear, I told him "I'm not doing that" and now it's my fault it was left outside until when he came home (3 1/2 hours before home). I feel as if my health is a major burden to him and maybe its time for me to get an inhome nurse... Some people just arent built to take care of anyone else. And maybe idk, maybe he is starting to see that I a really honestly, not in love with him at this point anymore. Maybe tomorrow or next month or next whatever, or maybe never will I be back in love with him.It seemed to me like the exact day that he was hired on as a manager at his workplace, things shifted. He dropped a huge bomb on me. I had to then last night, inform my family that I'm doing gene testing to see if i am a carrier of a breast cancer gene for reasons. They're also testing for thyroid & ovarian seeing as those run heavily. My chances before gene testing was uncomfortable to talk to our 3 kids about but they were as accepting as they can be, as their Mother my main priority should be my health so that Incan get better so that I can continue to do what I freaking LOVE DOING SO MUCH!!!!!! Like I truly do so why continually, continually say outloud in front of the 3 kids that "well I've done all of this and all of this because you asked for help" and it all started over me asking him if he can take lily her cup of water since shes coughing so badly. My flu/asthma/sinus shit is awful and my heart problem make it hard for me to walk sometimes let alone climb stairs.... He's acting like he deserves a gold medal when im always keeping the house up and im not doing that. What im doing is showing him what all i have to do during the day, some updates on what i dod and whatever else i wanna send.

I told him that its unfair to us completely that he doesnt turn off "Manager" when he walks through the door. He had a conversation to me and said hes not gonna be able to shut that off when he comes home and he has to take on so much responsibilities and he feels like he needs to be inside the house alone without myself or the kids or the pets for like half a year to get his straight. Bruh. Like no. Just do better. Idk how many people told me that Id never do this and id never do that and here i am proving them wrong every single day.

But every time he speaks to me like this, I am taken back to a time where I was told "your mother never should've made you." At i think 4-5 years old? I am disabled for many reasons. And I can tell everyone all the time until I'm fucking blue in my own face that, when I say that I cant do something and I ask for help, the help is met with a "your legs work" or "you're capable. You just dont wanna wait" No duh. Thats why i said "now please". Would you rather I give you another reason to hit me 3x flat-cupped handed times on my face again and say that "If I wanted it right now and could have gotten it right now for myself"

Im tired of asking for help and being treated like nothing other than a burden and his biggest fucking problem. How was I supposed to know that I was going to this sick on your 2 days off and that every time I asked for anything, you were upset.

I guess i was right and I'm just a different person now because of trauma processing and healing. But being sick enough to make 4 separate appointments during the 2 month span and if this gets worse, this one too. So I feel like he wants me to say something to him or do something for him, but all Im getting from this is "do not ask me for anything". Isnt your spouse supposed to be the one taking care of you when youre sick? Hes already lost me emotionally. And right before our ten year wedding annivarsary. Cool.

Advice?