#it'sgoingtoraintomorrowforsure
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ugh, guess I have to get used to this new post editor. What shit. It makes my words too big. Or whatever, something about it bothers me. neutral but quickly getting annoyed and negative. Was happy five minutes ago but my brother asked me if I had any plans today and for some reason that pissed me off. Like I do anything, but on the same note, I just usually want to go to my room and listen to music and not be bothered. Daydreaming or not. Sigh, so that the thing I wanted to write for is... essentially over. And, no, I didn't write anything of note or submit anything. I knew it would happen and I'm still disappointed. I'm trying to puzzle out why this happens every time. Am I too hard on myself? Did I just fail so many times that I put too much pressure on succeeding? Or maybe it's because it's just me. I mean, my friend encouraged me a little, she said I was a good writer and that I would do well but it's not, like, acknowledged. I could just never talk about it again. And I would feel weird about it since I haven't responded and don't wanna just be like hey can you, a very busy person, proofread. Or maybe that's me just trying to give up. Anyhow, what does having friends feel like again? My last in person friendship was, you know, just not that great. It wasn't bad but they were bad at cues and I was bad at talking and we just fundamentally liked things differently. Hmm, I wonder if it wasn't just me and I really had someone to talk to that I could get things done. Since I try to do things by myself all the time, but where do I find courage to go on if all I'm expected to do is get results? Like, everyone praises me for a good gpa but they don't see the ways I have to torture every assignment out of myself. Sigh, these are the things I should bring to a counselor but I really don't want to see one until I'm a lower weight 'cause... well. Also, why do I feel like when I eat enough I just give myself energy to be depressed? LOL- at least when I undereat I'm passionate about something.also my wrist and hands hurt... Hmm... is it possible it's anxiety? Like they specifically start aching usually when I'm at my laptop and I'm faced with the fact I haven't done anything and filled with despair. Lol.
I'm using lol a lot to represent that I'm devastated once again. Now I'm sad that I'm devastated since I did know I would give up. Don't know what I really though would change. Sigh. Sigh. Sighing. Don't really deserve a reward but do new blades constitute a reward, who knows? Thump, my dog so funny when he's tired. Long- no sparing today- I'm sad and don't like multiple posts venting. Really, what the hell am I doing? It's to my knowledge that some people have a passion, whether it's work or a hobby. I can't finish anything so I'm pretty dismal about my hobbies- wish there was just something to get this brain working. Why can these fingers type this but not the thing I wanted? Ah, just remembered I'll be saying these words again when I vent about my assignments. School is torture but there's no other options <3. Times like this you wonder why someone let you live like this for so long. very angry but can't ask why since already know why. Hm........................... Ending now.
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hello, complaining again. So I’m not following any diet really- just kind of fucking around high res. although I’ve had 1300-1400 which feels high af- 1300 is pushing it but I don’t wanna look at 1400. But even though I’m saying that I believe I may have moved into a gym era of sorts. Okay, so I did think it was pathetic to kind of restrict and binge for two months and then move onto gym era but that’s one sixth of a year right there that I’ve wasted so something’s got to give. Also, you ever realize how skewed your sense of calories is? Like we tend to bemoan our fifteen extra calories for days and then you look at others and they’re like oh, fuck, I’m doing this super low cut of 1600 calories and I’m 5′5. Had a couple of those moments. For instance, I’m like if I reach my “limit” in myfitnesspal I’m failing and then I remember that I’ve set it to the lowest I can as a guy. And I think that they’re lying to me every time I say I’m done for the day and they’re like wah, you aren’t eating enough even though those numbers are the lowest you can do safely. Lol. Good times.
Also, I keep calling my 1200-1400 bulking. I complain and it does agonize me a little to eat so much but I am enjoying the fact I don’t go to my room and just watch food videos ‘cause I’m thinking about what I can’t have, what I have to make tomorrow, what I can turn into a fucked up mess of sugar alcohols and air to fill my stomach. Instead, I’m trying to eat as much protein as possible, works out because they tend to be less calories. OH FUCK- hold on let me rant aobut kazu_diet on youtube. he makes cakes and breads and shit and all of them are like 400 ish for a whole ass cake. His tofu cake is god- fuck shove some protein powder it’s 30 grams of protein for half of it at 215ish calories. Although I’ve been making it with real sugar because it gives my brother trouble and it’s still 295 calories for half and let me tell you it’s fukin’ dense, you will probably not want to eat the other half until at least an hour passes. Let’s see, if you use protein powder and don’t add more liquid to account it will be dry as fuck. And that does not count the frosting which I’ve been making with oikos triple zero vanilla which brings it up 55 calories for half at 350 cals and 37.5 grams of protein. Again with real sugar, no stevia- which you can use at your own discretion. I’m not sayin it tastes like amazing but it’s a cake and it’s a protein dense bitch. Also, no one will probably eat it because it’s tofu. Sucks for the soy intolerant but condolences every day fam.
anyhow that was my rant on tofu cake- you like? Of course, you do, anyhow on to something completely different and personal-- actually, I’ll spare you. this seems like a draft topic until I can give it a full post. Just the perpetual agonies as per usual
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not really here to vent but, you know, need to think concretely once in a while. This will absolutely be me rambling about whatever. Don’t even know why I’m prefacing. Anyhow, want to write story, story not coming out. Like, fuck, what the hell do I talk about? I’ve been trying to think about the story I want or need but I don’t think they’re suited for a 4000 word limit. Do I want a love story or a heinous crime scene? Do I want an eating disorder metaphor? Who knows, not I. It’s here that I would give up and regret but I’m trying to not regret shit. Missing all of my shots, you know. At least I’d still have a story to submit next year but ah fuck so much time between. And it’s money, I wanna have money. God, this is straight up parched behavior. Let me get a drink. --okay diet pepsi down the hatch, I need to take my melatonin lmao-- what else, oh yeah, my dog hit my head and now my lip’s bleeding- no popacorn for me.--- Digressing, want money, need money. Don’t wanna fail again. Don’t wanna lose but that’s all I do since I give up to feel good. What to do? Can’t talk to anyone about it, if I say what I plan to do I’ll just feel worse when I don’t do it. If I have a story, I’ll reach out and ask the one friend I’ve got if she would proofread. Ah, embarrassing, writing is honest. People are so honest. I hate writing, yes, let me write down this story, the things I was thinking about, and just throw it to be judge. I don’t think my thoughts are precious but they say a lot sometimes. Lmao, what’s a guy to do? I could do my usual wait to the last minute and say I didn’t care or write about animals. Hmm... death is boring but easy. If I am sincere and I don’t win, I would die but then only a few people would know. But my name’s there. OH, and the poetry. I want to submit a couple for extra chances but also open. Can I write about shame? Wanting to crawl away so much that’s how you experience emotions? Disgust crawling up the inside of my ribs, shame dripping down my cheeks. Up and down, back into the hole and out. --Man music just don’t hit the same with one headphone-- anyhow, still nowhere closer to writing even though I just wrote like two hundred words. Ah, irony. Fuck, can’t even convince myself I don’t want to win. I just want this once. I wouldn’t want it if I didn’t think I could do it. Getting this brain to write, getting this body to move, getting me to do. It’s so hard, I know I’m not failing but I’m stalling, I know this because I’m not going anywhere. There hasn’t any been anything to win or lose. --I’m sorry to anyone who has to endure-- I’m frustrated with myself. How many times have I fought with myself like this? A thousand? This is every day. I know ask a lot of myself, so many things over and over, but in the end I’m only asking for an accomplishment. I don’t want the award, I want to be fine saying I did it, that I tried. Too many notes asking for it. No matter the incentive, no matter the will, nothing ever happens. No matter how mean or nice I am to myself. Even if I write this, do I think I will write the story? I am still hoping even though I do this every time. --Remember I said this wasn’t a vent? I believe I’ve lied-- ah, fever dying down. It just overwhelms me. My life over and over, you see it and get sick of the circles. The asking, the hoping for something new, the failing, the nothing. And everyone says later, “What happened to that thing you talked about?” Sigh, and what to say? You fought so hard to even try and didn’t get there and no one understands. I don’t even know what to do to make a difference. So, I’ll probably just give up since I made myself feel so bad about it. Maybe I’ll do it since I was so negative. Maybe I’ll just go to bed and fight myself again tomorrow.
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Eh, kind of tired but I’m going to write anyways since I need something to read in six months. Anyhow, I was a thinkin’ I binge every three or four days so I should probably have higher days according to that. But then I was thinking, oh, well, that means I intend to keep eating 600 calories which I know is not very good for the ol’ body. But also want to do it. Because three to four days of 600 really isn’t so bad if I keep saying to myself I have these high days to look forward to. It’s basically what I’m already doing. I also feel like I ought to start acting a little sicker for all my depressed ways. So, maybe 1300-1400 every three to four days? It’s less than if I did the diet I was originally planning on doing. Just thinking. Maybe I’ll back to whatever I wrote down. Who knows?
Inspired to work out... to my ability. I considered pilates but it seems a bit tough so maybe I will go for calisthenics since I found a guy with a good mindset and I am told you can build quite a bit of muscle. Hoping to fill out my upper half and work on mobility. Thinking about the clothes I’ll wear when I’m skinny, or design rather. I am figuring out that my style is very weird and thus I’ll probably have to do it myself. It’s a lot of cropped stuff, to be honest. So meaning I have to work on my abs. They’re very anime but you know I’m not getting skinny to wear minimalist shit. Ah, well, sometimes but I want to be fancy too. This is culture is poisoned, forgetting the beauty of wearing elaborate shit.
What else... lmao, got a 54 in class so far and it is only going go down. This might be the best decision. I considered withdrawing but don’t know if that would fuck up my financial aid since I would only have three classes then. But maybe they don’t care since they have my money for a full term. I like astronomy anyways but the homework is such a pain in the ass. Had to loiter school for three hours since my professor cancelled class. Starting to think my problem with swallowing may be entirely related to anxiety... i was relaxed and didn’t swallow as much in this time. Or ‘cuz I drank the water.
Listening to lots of music as usual. One day, I’ll learn to sing. Sigh, if I had that cash money. One day, I’ll do something. Heh.
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March 19, 2023
cals: birthday, don’t count
Ah, guys, death is the preferable end. I did real good with my diet before my sibling came over and it all went to shit. I haven’t gone below 1200 since then. I ate like 3000. I want to actually die. It’s rare that I feel so ashamed that it feels like it clings to my nerves down my arms and legs. I am hyper-aware of my stomach. I just keep pinching myself. I know it’s impermanent but if you can pinch it and it feels like it’s here, it kills you. Just... I was at 160.4. I got so close. And then I ate, now I don’t even want to look. Probably back at 170. I just need to drink water. This body is so terrible and I am terrible back. I am going to redo the fairy diet, I don’t think I did it right. I want to forget that I ever had a vacation. All I did was clean. I didn’t relax at all. I had a project worth 12 percent of my whole grade and it’s due in eight minutes. I haven’t started. I have given up, I’m pass/failing this motherfucker. I hate the sciences. Why are they so beautiful but the homework agonizing? Ah, it wouldn’t matter anyways. I need to get this brain sorted out. When I’m skinny, of course. I had three assignments but I didn’t do any of them. It feels so nice to give up but I hate failure.
What a terrible week. I never want to eat but I want to eat so bad. I like the taste of food but I am realizing that no matter how much I eat nothing ever really tastes that good. Sounds like depression but to be honest it’s probably because I keep burning off my taste buds because I am impatient. A bit funny. I feel rather negative. I don’t know how to describe it. I ate so much one night that when I got into bed I was just burning up. So warm but so full and sick. I threw up but it was of course just the water I drank and not the cake, fries, or burger. Regretting in process. . .
Sigh. On to better things. I am almost excited to go back to school. In that note, I am going to write a little story. Not here, in real life. I am going to do it. So many decisions. I feel like writing again. I was going through my fanfiction notes and, ah, I never know why I am always so mean to myself, I was inspired regardless if they met my standards. Since I was writing to myself, it was pretty much all I wanted for that fandom so I ought to pick it up again. Ideas be flowing through me. I don’t want to set any standards this time. Just write what I want, use the power of knowing how to type.
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Ah, time to explain my absence. I did want to post but guess who binged and was ashamed... lmao.
I ate 2500, 1700, 2000 cals then followed up with 990, 1107, 1180, and 1306. Then my latest mistake 2492 because of pizza. So there’s my shame in a brief list. I haven’t been following my original “healthy skinny” diet because I have been mulling some things over, mainly my priorities.
See, when I binged those first three days, I also had some brief flashes of “recovery,” funny how those only want to show up when you binge. Anyhow, my professor was talking about diets and how your health is the most precious thing you have, without it you are nothing. Keep in mind, he’s in his seventies so it’s not like he’s spouting this for funsies. So, that got me thinking, you know. One of the reasons I want to lose weight so that people will value me because I know they do more if you’re skinny but I don’t want to be useless. My body is pathetic enough and I need to drag this body and make it do things. It’s a terrible semester already so I need some more energy, if that will make me do my work. To me, my goals are to keep my brain function up so that I have not just good grades, great grades. My other goal is to give my body enough to transition. Taking medicine is useless if my body will just fail to use it. This is why I was eating 1500 before. I don’t think I’m quite willing to return to that but I’m aiming for a middle ground.
Thus, I have modified the “healthy skinny” to fit what I want. It feels pathetic posting this on what is mostly an ed blog but this be a vent blog, anyhow, there’s quite a few days above starving. I have decided that the lowest I’m willing to go is 800 and the highest 1350. I cut it down to 60 days because let’s be real, my ADHD ass can’t process 3 days, never mind 90 days. 31 days will be spent under 1200 but it’s better than 90/90 under 1200. It’s on average 200 calories above but even that will allow me to make meals instead of snacks. Sure, it’s less calories but who wants to snack all day and still can’t say you made your protein intake? Meals taste so much better than 150 on cheez-its, 40 on tomatoes, and 160 on protein shakes. I don’t even like protein shakes that much but for a 135 more calories I can get a whole ass meal and the same protein. Or at least that’s another excuse I’m using.
In other news, got a lot of kpop/diet stuff coming on my for you page, so I guess I just got into kpop and now I’m watching diet vlogs. Makes me feel better to watch them lose weight when I be struggling. Possessed by urge to look up how to do some of those dances for cardio reasons. Honestly, I have always liked the thought of dancing but it’s always girls. At least I could learn the dance to some boy bands which wouldn’t make me feel that much better but it’d be somewhat less embarrassing. I guess both are sexual but one is easier to explain if someone walks. In that vein, suddenly want to get a new wardrobe too.
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I have been trying to vent the past two days but my laptop crashed and my arm hurt so fucking bad last night I had to stop. I have chalked it up to that I spend too much time writing and I should cut it down to half an hour. Sounds like a lot but it really isn’t for me since all I have is time to waste complaining. I’m sure those thoughts I wanted to express will show up again another time.
I have pushed off my homework again... I’m acting like a fool. He even offered half credit if I did it yesterday and I thought about it until 3 a.m. where I had to give up to go to bed. But that was a conscious decision because it was just too addicting to listen to music and think all day. There must be something wrong with me. I’m always like this regardless of whether I eat enough so maybe it’s my best interest to talk to someone. Ah, but I don’t want to talk to anyone unless I’m thinner than this. Maybe at 145 I’ll reward myself by making an appointment with a counselor. Or whenever I gain the confidence.
I want to talk forever but my wrist is fucking flimsy. That I should really see someone for. It just hurts, I’m sure it’s some preventable thing but every time I want to write or draw it acts up. Maybe it wouldn’t be so if I learned to shut up once in a while. I see other vent blogs and most posts are a sentence or two. Mine are quite the opposite. I hope that I learn to quiet down soon because that means I’m spending less time just writing instead of doing something useful. Not that I do anything useful though. At any rate, I have such long posts. It makes me wonder what’s going through the head of someone who has a vent blog but often just posts “I want to die.” or “I ate this. I feel awful.” Come on, everyone, be like me and overshare on the internet. Lol. That’s not really safe all of the time so keep your brevity. Me, I never talk much of anything that’s important.
Ah, my head is aching a little, had an awful time sleeping. I didn’t even take my magnesium even though I keep it right next to my bed. Last night’s thinking session was intense. I couldn’t focus on anything else. It’s not good, it’s really just a waste of time but I think if I spin it as “if I don’t lose weight fast, none of this will happen” I’ll feel a lot better. Sorry, school, under eating takes priority as my one passion. Anyone else daydream but only imagine themselves as skinny? I mean, I know what I look like but it doesn’t show up. Although I see myself through my own eyes so when I look down I see flatness. Definitely not my reality.
Only fifteen more minutes of talking remain. What did I want to say? I guess not much. Limiting myself seems to be saving my wrist. Will I have the energy to do my homework. Probably not. I want to say maybe if I lose like twenty pounds in this month and the next they might catch on but who knows? Most people tend to be kind when grading me since I do kind of be a mess every day. I wonder what it feels like to wear one layer and be confident. I wonder what it’s like to not hunch over and feel ashamed for existing in public. So maybe my head hurts but it’s not like it won’t be worth it. Let’s see about that though. Approaching the end of week 1. I feel alright about proceeding. Must not give into the same temptations I face every day. Honestly, I’m overthinking this. It’s easy if you don’t think about it.
I want to apologize for being long but instead I think I’ll just add a note in my pinned that I will never not write a long ass post. Forgive me if you came to suffer in a moderate amount of words. Or I could make a personal tag... something unique so it doesn’t show up when you look up vent or something. One minute left... what’s a good tag? Hmm. Well, you’ll see when I figure one out. You know, I’ve really been into Neru’s Abstract Nonsense and I think it would be very funny of me to have a long ass tag.
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Damn brain fog sets in quick don’t it? Ah, it might just be that I have had a shitty time sleeping. It’s really not that bad, I’m just a little more tired. Once I get my supplements then I’m probably not going to return to my 1500 limit. I’ll still keep it in myfitnesspal but that’s different. It’s mostly so if I ever do binge from restricting below 1200 that I don’t go too crazy. But I probably will have days like that anyways because my family loves getting take out (and cake and ice cream). As long as I have enough iron then I don’t think I care any more. See, I’m really not going to get taller and my body doesn’t need more cals so I’ll probably stick to high res but I just don’t care as much.
I can’t help that I’m so impatient, I just want to lose weight now. I want to be thin so bad it’s unreal. I don’t particularly think I can move on with my life. That’s a little dramatic but awfully true for me. I will hold myself back unless I think I’m thin. 170 or 168 isn’t cutting it for me. I want 130 or 117. It’s strange that I don’t want to be underweight but that’s only because I have so much fat to lose that I can’t imagine being there. But if I get to those numbers and still think I’m fat, would I go lower? Probably so.
Ah, my arms are tired. It reminds me that I did workout today. Gym days will be more sparse but my brother will still make me go but I wish we had a more consistent schedule so I could plan to eat more that day. I should find a good at home workout that doesn’t include anything that will shake the whole house because I’m fat. Also quiet ideally... They make pretty good thnspo too. I need to pace around my room more and get more steps in. I get out of breath from the small hill and it makes me want to die every time I go to class. I tell myself to walk slower but that staircase always gets to me. It’s honestly so pathetic but I can change that. My heart suddenly felt a bit heavier. Shut up, heart, drink the damn diet soda and it’s only been two days, you’ll get your protein and vitamins tomorrow.
...Sigh. I’ve spent so much money this week. But it’s kind of for the greater good. I got the urge to drink the almond milk I bought but I’m fasting and it probably wouldn’t taste good anyways. Ah, I want to do more stretches. I want to be one of those people who’s real flexible, not sure if it’s practical. Is it possible to stretch your leg muscles so they are less thick? I know a lot of it’s fat but there’s a good chunk of muscle too. Which I am both thankful for but also I hate that it feels like a curse like I’m meant to be muscular instead of graceful and thin. I guess some muscular people have a certain grace to them too... Actually, if I stand next to my power lifting siblings, I would look rather small.
Ah, I’ve gone on a rant again. And still so many assignments, none of which I will do today. But I will read. Which I should do now. Thank god no one really reads these things.
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TIme for whatever thoughts...
but diet first- what’s that diet I save a few months ago? Let’s see..
day 1: 900. Day 2: 800. Day 3: 900. Day 4: 1000. Day 5: 950, Day 6:1100. Day 7: 1100. Imma do 600 for Day 1 and 2 and I’ll feel better. I’m also going to fast for probably just 16 hours today. Luckily I have shit to do so I’ll be distracted.
On these days, I just get stuck thinking about how much I ate so I’m not sure I can talk about anything else. I looked in the mirror and the damage isn’t as bad as I thought but it’s not looking good. Tomorrow I might look bloated but I cover it up anyways. I need more fruit, no more salt and fake ass sugar, please. I told my sibling that I was considering dropping the gym. They said I should do whatever I can stay consistent with. so maybe I’ll try some at home workouts. I should try to go to bed before 3 a.m. today. That might help. Although this blogging shit doesn’t help that case. But it’s good I have been getting some of my feelings out since I can’t really talk to my family about everything, especially not the diets, and I don’t have friends. Well, I have one friend but we just text and I can’t say that I feel like formulating my thoughts over text.
Ah, what else? Oh, I decided I would take the L on all of my assignments this week because I left them to today even knowing that I wouldn’t want to do shit after hanging out with family. So, I’m brilliant for that one. It’s not going to be a good semester... Well, I’ll pull through somehow and if it involves an occasion instance of me starving myself then whatever. Eating 1000 wasn’t so bad that one month. I just have to care more and not get so discouraged. I want to break this plateau for real this time.
Lowkey want to say fuck and do the anorexia and tell myself that funny joke where I’ll go back to eating to high 1550 or something after I lose a bunch of weight. A big inspiration is to drop like twenty pounds during the semester and maybe my professors will notice that I might have a problem. Ah, isn’t that the dream? Being pulled aside and asked if you’re alright? Unlikely, except for one professor. But you need to try hard for that one. Ah, what can I expect? 145? If I seven pounds a month for the next three months then that would be good. I need to expect more from myself when it comes to losing weight because I keep telling myself it’s fine but it’s not.
I wish I kept better records of the calories I was eating when I first got into this thing. I know I often stop at 900 and would eat until 1100 so I wouldn’t be that low. I just added up things in my calculator and called it a day. Sometimes I wrote down how much I had but not very often. And every time I considered dipping below a thousand for more than a day I got scared because of all those posts. Ah, but if I’m not skinny then what kind of life am I leading and is it worth it? Perhaps. I need to buy some vitamins if I’m going to be doing this. Potassium, b complex, iron is in multivitamin, d3, collagen, and magnesium. I’m always anxious about this stuff but you know when I’m here I know there’s someone with me in the same struggle. I often think about Jennette McCurdy’s book and how older people with eating disorders must have felt much more isolated. I also think about how her mom ate steamed vegetable for dinner every night. Or something to that degree. So maybe I don’t want to be that skinny where that’s my life. Or maybe it just shows you can live like that. I’ll figure out how skinny I want to be once I get there. And I will get there
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Lowkey want to make all those typical ed posts about why you’re doing it and stuff. Maybe a treat for another day.
Today my brother asked me if I wanted to go to the gym and I said no. I was tired because I woke up at 1 p.m. In the long run, I don’t know if I want to lift heavy weights because I do enjoy being strong but, I don’t know, I don’t get as jealous about muscular people than thin people. It feels like a consolation prize to be muscular. I want to be skinny and then decide if I want muscles. Not going to lie, some of it is pressure from my family. Most of them like lifting so they would probably tease me for giving up--as I always do. But I have never wanted muscle like I wanted skinny. I don’t dream of being that buff, I dream of thigh gaps and thin arms.
My dad has the stomach bug and stayed in his room most of the day which eased my mood. I do kind of hope I catch it too. I lost like five pounds when I got covid and was the first time I originally got to 170. ...I want to be out of this plateau soon. I have been here for almost a year, maybe more, just because I got weak and decided every time I wanted to eat good I would binge. I want to see anything below 160. I can’t check the scale as often but it sort of pushes me to lose the weight so when I can occasionally check it’ll be lower. I hope these daily updates force me to see how much I have been eating and give me the will to fast almost everyday.
I can’t handle thinking that I’ll be fat into my twenties. I can’t stand thinking I’m going to lose more years to staying in the same place, hoping for a change in myself. I need to do this to progress. I have stayed inside for the last ten years because I feel so crippling anxious about my weight when I go outside, I just can’t deal with that.
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Until my posting fever goes down, it’s probably going to be one post abt how much I ate and one venting or just talking. Or it’s going to be whatever once I decide the difference is arbitrary.
Anyhow, looked at myself in a mirror at a distance and... my shoulders are so small. but I’m not happy because it’s in a feminine way. I wish I could just lose all this fat over night. If I didn’t have to get my blood checked then I would be much more open to saying fuck it and eating as little as possible. I gave up on my homework because i left myself an hour to do it and it turns out it required more effort. It doesn’t make me feel good but at least I cleaned my room today. Sigh... maybe I should just not eat, it’s really the only thing that makes me feel like I’m doing something. And it was practically alright then that I sucked at being alive. Not having a job was alright-anxiety looks so much better in skinny. I really do like stoking certain flames sometimes.
It reminds me when my mom asked me if I was skipping breakfast and then was like keep it up, it’s working. so, i don’t really know why I care sometimes about whether what I’m doing is unhealthy, it doesn’t matter until you’re skinny. Ah, the honeymoon, I want it back-I lost like forty pounds. It helped my social anxiety so much knowing people weren’t judging me as harshly. And it helps me pass- I have no doubts that my parents would be more open to accepting me if I was skinny. i wouldn’t even have to lose that much- to them I only need to lose like ten pounds right now- I want to lose at least thirty. Maybe 130 is what I can do but maybe if I really tried I could get to 117. It would be concerning to them but to everyone it’s practically the standard- or at least to us. I know realistically in the long run it’s not a body you can keep but even if you did gain ten pounds like you would still be at 127. ah but I’m being silly, longevity? this is fast fashion, fast body culture.
Ah you know my laptop notes look like this too. I just have too much to say and am not very good at saying it. but I notice here it’s about ed mostly but on my laptop it was about self harm. Which I want to do again but I lost my blade and am too cheap to buy another. I like them both because it makes me feel like my body is my own. I liked the confidence. and I felt like I was putting myself on the course that I wanted to be on, i want scars and a thin body. THinking about thighs- I want to go to bed every night knowing I did the best I could that day to get rid of them.
I could write novels complaining. Wonder where all these words go when I do want to write novels or do any productive writing. Maybe I’m just not okay enough and need to get all these loops out of my brain before I can think about stories. I can’t even read. I did a year ago force myself to read like seven books. I liked Chinese Cinderella and A Little Life the best. A Little Life made me so happy- and we share the same name- it did inspire me a little to sh but as we know you don’t get it from media, you already have to be sick to give in. I didn’t finish it- one day I will- I don’t know when but one day. Like cherry pie. Chinese Cinderella... I related too hard to her. Maybe not as studious and discounting the factors of chinese family hierarchy and living in that time period but I connected. Just her staying in her room and trying to get though it with media. I could go more into but I feel bad already and I need to go charge my phone.
I’m sorry for talking so long, it’s not like I have friends.
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lmao i feel weird posting so much, feels wrong to post more than once, but who care, who know? Maybe it’s good because I can distract myself from going back to eat more pizza. But regardless i’m having so many thoughts its hard to get them all down. luckily all i do is stay in bed and get stuck in these cycles so it’s not like it’s the last time i’ll have any of these thoughts. What I am thinking about again? What possessed me to hit the post button?
Oh, yeah, I wanted to complain about my body ‘cause that’s what we do. Anyhow, it’s gross. I’m starting with my 16hr fasts until i fix my sleep schedule so i can sleep away the fat like i did before. Im so fucking hungry tho at night but it does feel kind of nice. Tryna to con myself into drinking water. I eat so much sodium and I drink nothin but soda, no wonder i’m 170.
...ah I always get stuck in between whether i want to be healthy and muscular or thin. thin has always been the goal but I kind of like being strong. And when I stand next to my brothers i feel being short skinny will just highlight how I’m different from them. I honestly have to delude myself into thinking that if I just stretch enough I’ll be 5′6 or something, keeps me going. I feel like I’m the same height as some people i know but when I get close I see that i’m shorter, bouta break my legs. But unfortunately the only things i can control is going to sleep and stretching. Imagine being skinny and also being to stretch and it look perfectly natural. skinny makes me look taller anyways, my fucking legs out here tryna weigh down my whole spine
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