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kuratoki · 4 years

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Distance 06

Hi guys >< I finally had some time to proof read the latest parts which means, that I have a few parts queued up for the next few days :)

Work has taken 99% of my life once more and my hours are just getting longer and lately all I’ve been doing is work and sleep (and eat on the occasion) but I really want to get back into this so I might be a bit rusty but please bare with me!

Also thank you to all who’ve touched base, I am well as can be :) Now.. on with the story!

There wasn’t a day Jeno didn’t regret not making things official with you sooner. What he also didn’t expect was his soon to be ex best friend to act on his feelings towards you either. Now a whole continent away with a ten hour time difference, will the two of you survive the distance and all the obstacles that come with?

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Pairing: Ballerina OC x Dancer Jeno

Words: 3506

Warnings: Cavity eating Fluff :x

~Tag List: @mikachu-28 @peachykrystal @jenoleeaesthetic

Distance Masterlist

“Hey guys, there's a mandatory NCT meeting at lunch today.” Jaemin called out to YangYang and Xiaojun after second period was over.

“Aren’t we supposed to meet after school today?” YangYang asked and Jaemin shrugged, showing them the text from Doyoung.

“I think it’s because they know Jeno’s going to leave the moment he gets out of his meeting or whatever.” Jaemin said, predicting his best friend’s next move, “Which is highly likely.”

“Wait so that was the Y/N and Renjun?” Xiaojun asked as Chenle approached the group.

“What? Y/N and Renjun are back?” he asked with wide eyes, “Where are they?”

“Probably the NCT Practice room?” Hana suggested, “They didn’t tell you?”

“They didn’t tell anyone.” Yeeun said coming up to the group with Yukhei. She looped her arm through Hana and asked, “What are you waiting for? We got to go before Jeno gets to her first.”

“Shit. You’re right.” Hana said and waved to the rest of the group, “We’ll see you guys there.” And the two were quick to run down the hallway knowing that Jenos patience would be thin.

Chenle and Jaemin looked at each other and contemplated their words, “Shit, they’re right.” they said simultaneously before taking off after the girls.

“If you want to meet Y/N, you guys better get going. There’s no telling how long she’ll be here for.” Yukhei advised chuckling at how well the group knew each other, “Let’s go.”

Upon entering the practice room, it was utter chaos. From the transfer students eyes at least.

Taeyong, Doyoung, Johnny, Yuta, Sicheng and even Haechan had both you and Renjun in vice grips and they were sure Taeyong and Johnny were actually crying.

Tzuyu watched the scene with wide eyes, how could you have such an impact on so many people? Even though five of them were currently smothering you and Renjun, it was obvious the other members of the club were waiting for their turn. Feeling a presence behind her, she turned to see Jeno watching the scene with a soft smile. A look she rarely got to see. At the same time, the soft look turned hard.

“Okay guys, I think they need to breath.” he called out, walking towards the crowd.

“Oh shit, it’s Jeno.” Haechan joked, clinging to you harder, “Y/N protect me.”

“I think clinging to her is only going to be worse.” Jaemin commented and he was right. Jeno put his hand on Haechans shoulder and soon, the boy was cringing and sinking to the floor in pain, “I told you…”

“Jeno, you’re literally going to take her from us once this meeting is over. Let us have our time.” Doyoung said and you giggled as Jeno backed down like a puppy who’d just been reprimanded by their owner. Only Doyoung had this power.

“Okay, since Jeno won’t be here after school.” Taeyong started once everyone had said their hellos and welcome backs to you and Renjun, “There are some changes that are happening to the club.” he then motioned to the blonde who was standing next to Soonyoung since Yeeun and Hana had you nestled between the two, “Jeno?”

Everyone’s attention was on him, anticipating what he was going to say.

“Uh...where do I start?” he asked, suddenly nervous, making most of you crack up. He looked at you where you were currently sitting between Hana and Yeeun, giving him a big thumbs up.

“How about the beginning?” Haechan called and Jeno glared.

“Hey, Haechan, remember the bowl of frosting I almost threw at you?” he warned and Haechan stuck his tongue out at him, “Anyways, I guess the easiest way to put it is that I’m dropping out of the club.”

“Wait what?!” various gasps were heard around the room as the three leaders at the front nodded their heads in understanding. They had known about this for ages.

“You can’t leave!” Mark called out, “You’re the strongest junior we have and Jisung isn’t even here.”

“I think it’s a cool opportunity.” Ten commented, “It’s not like they’re gone forever. He’ll still be around school cause of the other classes he has to attend until he really has to leave and everyone will be back next school year.”

“I heard the training for the program was intense.” Doyoung added, making you and Renjun roll your eyes.

“Tell me about it.” you both muttered.

“Plus you guys can survive a semester without me. You and Jaemin are gonna take over as reps anyways.” he said offhandedly catching the two off guard.

“Excuse us?” Jaemin asked looking at his best friend with wide eyes, “You can’t be serious.”

“Do you not want it?” Jeno asked with a grin knowing his best friend wasn’t that stupid.

“No but I-” Jaemin was at loss for words as he stood up and jumped on Jeno.

“I think he’s crying.” Jaehyun commented as Jeno just rolled his eyes as he patted Jaemins back, “Jeno nominated you guys because Mark was last years rep and he thinks Jaemin has what it takes. The leadership team agreed and that’s how it was decided. So are you guys taking it?”

“Of course!” They both said simultaneously and Taeyong clapped his hands.

“Well I guess thats it, meeting adjourned.” he said, “Those who are participating in next weeks performance are the only ones that have to show up today after school. Everyone else has the day off.”

People started to disperse and soon all that was left was your group of friends, including Sicheng, Yuta and the transfers and introductions were made.

You could feel the disdain coming from Tzuyu as Chenle made the proper introductions and you were sure the girls had picked up on it too. You were sure everyone could feel it but in an attempt to break the ice Xiaojun spoke up.

“So you’re the infamous Y/N and Renjun that everyone talks about.”

“Infamous?” you asked as you and Renjun shared a look before looking at your group of friends.

“We missed you okay.” Jaemin said as he was still clinging to Jeno and being the good friend he was, let him.

“It’s literally been a month.” Renjun said rolling his eyes, “Plus we’re going to be here for the next two weeks.’

“Then you guys are gone again till the summer.” Chenle said with a frown.

“Don’t remind us.” You and Renjun said at the same time as Soonyoung laughed knowing the real work was coming after the performance.

“What’s our plan?” he asked and everyone looked at one another.

“Lunch?” YangYang suggested, “It’d be great to get to know the two of you.”

Tzuyu tensed at the suggestion, she was already uncomfortable being in the same room with you. From the time you walked into their first period classroom, she could already see the change in Jeno. He held this look in his eyes that she didn’t know could exist and when seeing him pick you up and hold you so close was painful. She had no idea that someone like Jeno could have those emotions. He’d been so cold and mysterious lately and that was his main point of attraction but now, she wanted him to look at her with the same eyes.

“I’m down.” Soonyoung said and looked between you and Jeno, “I assume that we’ll see you sometime before the first audition?”

“You’re not joining us?” Xiaojun asked with a frown, he also saw the looks that Jeno kept giving you and he wanted to see the two of you interact in person.

“I’m dowfmfml” you started but was quickly muffle by Jeno’s hand as he came to stand behind you when he pushed Jaemin off of him, making you glare.

“How about we grab dinner tomorrow night? There’s a place that Soonyoung knows about in the city and we can hang out at our place after?” he suggested and glared down at you when you licked his hand but he still held tight.

“Sure that works.” Jaemin said quickly winking at his best friend, now fully recovered.

“Then that’s settled.” he looked down at you and removed his hand, “Shall we get going? I have a surprise.”

“What surprise could you have possibly come up with in the last three hours?” you asked suspiciously and the blonde boy gave you an innocent smile.

“Something I’ve been planning for a while” Jeno said simply and you swore you heard Hana and Yeeun let out a small squeak, “We’ll see you guys tomorrow night.”

“I guess I have no choice.” you said giving the group an apologetic smile though most of them didn’t mind, “There’s no stopping him when he’s dead set on something. It was nice meeting you all.” you said with a wave as Jeno grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the room. “See you tomorrow!!” you called.

Soonyoung and Renjun laughed and Jaemin looked like a proud father while the girls giggled to each other.

“You don’t think he’s…” Yeeun whispered to Hana and the girl only nodded her head and the two burst into giggles gaining looks from everyone.

“What is wrong with you two?” Renjun asked and Yeeun gave him a knowing smile. They were surprised the guys didn’t pick up on it but Jaemin looked at Hana and winked. They knew.

Jeno had said ‘Our Place’

“You’re going to break my arm off.” you said as you tried to match the pace of the puppy with much longer legs who was currently dragging you through the school, “Slow down, I just got off a twelve hour flight.” you whined and Jeno slowed his pace, pulling you to his side as he led you to his car. He was glad he decided to drive to school today instead of his usual walk, it was like fate had it planned.

“And you didn’t have the audacity to tell me you were coming.” he said, opening the door for you, shutting it once you slid inside and walked to his side, “I could’ve met you at the airport.”

“I actually forgot we were coming until I was on the plane.” you admitted looking down, “I’ve been kind of distracted.”

Jeno hummed at the tone of your voice, knowing exactly what you were talking about, “Have you talked to him since….?” he asked casually as he backed out of the space and you shook your head.

“I think Chan took away his phone and training camp is taking up most of his time anyways.” you explained playing with your hands in your lap, “I was more worried about you honestly…”

As he pulled onto the highway, Jeno reached over to grasp your hand and brought it up to his lips before placing your intertwined hands back on your lap where he proceeded to play with your fingers.

“And I told you when you called me, I’m not mad at you.” he said in a neutral tone, “Jisung was in the wrong and you did right by telling me. I would’ve been more upset with you if I had heard it from someone else.”

‘Plus I could never be mad at you like that even if you did kiss him back’ he thought to himself as he felt you squeeze his hand.

“It felt wrong...I mean he was supposed to be my best friend and he always supported me…I never thought…” you muttered, your voice laced with disbelief.

“And that’s why you trusted him...he did a stupid thing that jeapordized your friendship. What matters now is that you know that we’re okay...okay?” he asked, squeezing your hand, “We can deal with Jisung later...right now, I have something I want to show you.”

Looking out the window you were suddenly confused, “This isn’t the way to our houses.”

“We’re skipping that and going straight to Gangnam.” Jeno explained and looked at you from the corner of his eyes all the while still being aware of the road, “Do you trust me?” he asked and chuckled when he saw your blush.

“Always.” you whispered and you felt him squeeze your hand.

“Then trust me when I say that you’ll like this surprise.” he said and smiled when he felt you playing with the ring on his middle finger, “Take a nap. You must be tired from your flight. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

“Okay.” you said leaning your head against the window as Jeno let go of your hand briefly to turn on some classical pieces he knew you liked before intertwining your fingers once more.

When you woke up, Jeno was just pulling into the garage of the apartment.

“Good nap?” he asked as you stretched your arms, letting out a small yawn.

“Mhm.” you said and looked at him with a small smile, “Ready to go?”

“Not yet.” he said before leaning over and touching his lips to yours catching you completely off guard, pulling back just as quickly, “Okay, lets go.” he said getting out of the car just as quickly, going to your side to open the door.

“What is up with you today?” you asked, giving him an odd look, swinging your joined hands as you walked to the elevator.

“I haven’t seen you since winter break and my ex best friend made a move on my girlf-” Jeno cleared his throat, “made a move on my best friend” he said, taking a blind fold out from his pocket, “More about that later though. I need you to wear this before we get upstairs. It’s for the surprise.”

“Are you sure it’s not some weird kink you have?” you asked as you reluctantly let the taller male put on the blind fold, “And you won’t make me walk into some wall will you?”

“Do you have that little faith in me?” Jeno asked, offended and you scoffed.

“Hawaii, we were nine and we snuck out of our rooms to get a snack using only the light of your gameboy. You walked me into the side of the refrigerator.” you said in a monotone.

“You promised you’d forget about that!” Jeno said with a whine, poking your side and you tried to hit him but only managed to get air. You heard Jeno chuckle as he whispered in the opposite ear, “Missed me.”

“Just wait till I get this blind fold off…” you grumbled, crossing your arms and felt arms wrap around you from behind.

“What are you gonna do? Kick me with your tiny ballerina legs?” he asked, teasing as he led you out of the elevator and once you knew you were in the apartment, you kicked backwards into his shin, causing Jeno to yelp in pain.

“These tiny ballerina legs have to go through an hour of conditioning everyday. Just cause I’m small doesn’t mean I’m not strong.” you shot, “Can I take my blindfold off now?”

“Not yet.” Jeno said, still rubbing his shin, “Cause depending how you feel, this surprise might actually piss you off. But the girls said you’d love it so I’m going to go with their gut instead of mine.” he rambled, “Now if you want to hit me, please just stay away from my legs and my face.” he let out a big breath.

“Now you’re starting to worry me...Are you sure I want to see this?” you asked, trying to feel for the other person in the room and felt him take your hand, leading you further into the apartment.

“As long as you can keep your anger to a minimum…” he mumbled and you let out a sigh.

“I promise I won’t be mad.” you said as he sat you down and you feel him sit next to you on the couch, “Unless its something idiotically chaotic then we’ll have to see.”

“Eh, you can take off your blind fold now.” he said leaning back.

“Finally.” you said and lifted the scarf from your head, squinting your eyes as they readjusted to the light. The first thing you saw was a bouquet of fresh flowers and you were so confused as to how it got there. There was no way that he could’ve gone out during the short period of time you’d been there to get something like this. Looking at the boy in question, you were met by his, I did a thing smirk.

“You didn’t think the meeting with the head master took a whole two hours did you?” he asked laughing, “I was literally signing papers to take the time off I need from school and talking about how my credits will be handled with the online academy.”

“You sneaky little-” you started but was automatically cut off by Jeno.

“That wasn’t the surprise though, just the bonus. Look around.” he said as you finally got a good look at the apartment. There were more pictures in certain areas and you noted familiar nick knacks on some shelves but the biggest change was the feel of the once bachelor pad.

“What did you do to this place?” you asked, looking around in awe.

“Made it home.” he said simply and hesitantly added. “Our home.”

Your head whipped around so fast you were sure you had whiplash. “Our home?” you asked, “What do you mean?”

“Remember when we were younger and we always talked about moving to the city once we were done with school? I’d have this place and you’d have your own somewhere nearby?” he asked as you turned to properly face him and nodded. “After you left, I came here a lot to reminisce about the old times without being bothered. No one but you knew about this place. I guess after I learned to drive I came here so much my parents decided to just give the place to me instead of having me ask for the key all the time.” he started and scratched the back of his head nervously, “I got drunk one night, alone...and I guess I just missed you so much that I started seeing a life with you here. It’s stupid, I know but I was seventeen and heart broken. I needed that little piece of mind, even if it was just for a moment.” he smiled remembering how he envisioned his life back then. There was a reason Jaemin called him grandpa so much. “After everything that happened with Xander’s passing, I got my wish. I got to see what it was like waking up to you in the morning. What it was like walking out to you reading a book on this couch, having breakfast together. All of that and it felt so natural, like I found my soulmate.”

Your eyes widened at his confession as Jeno struggled with his next words.

“I want this place to be as much yours as it is mine.” he said taking your hands into his, “If you ever need a break, I want you to know that you can come here without asking.”

“Why?” you asked.

“Because if you’re ever upset and you need to run away, I want to be able to find you.” he answered giving you a soft smile, “I’m not going to lie and say I don’t see my future here with you either.”

“But aren’t you technically asking me to move in with you?” you questioned again making Jeno flustered, “This is your place after all.”

“W-well I mean…it won’t be till we’re done at SMAA…and it won’t have to be right away..” Jeno started backtracking making you giggle as you leaned up to press your lips against his and he was quick to respond before you pulled away, finally looking at the place.

There were more feminine touches around the apartment for sure and you had a feeling the girls had a role in that as Hana knew what your style was but there was a good mix of Jeno in there too. There were photos from your travels and holidays, photos of your friends, you and Renjun and the guys, it seemed like every polaroid you had taken was on what was dubbed the memory wall.

“This is really nice…” you said softly, “Feels like home.”

“Our home?” Jeno asked, hope clear in his voice.

Turning back to face him, you gave him a playful smirk and shrugged your shoulders.

“Maybe one day. Guess you gotta play your cards right, Lee.” you said with a slight giggle and felt yourself being pulled back against a rock hard chest. Turning your head you met the eyes of your childhood friend, first love...only love? You loved it when he wore his glasses because it made him look so much more mature then he really was. Cupping his jaw with your hand, you ran your thumb along his cheek, leaning up as his lips met you halfway as you once again got lost in each other.

The same thought ringing through your minds.

‘One day.”

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mosmindmanifested · 5 years

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LSD: An Odyessy of Possible Realities

"You are your own worst enemy".

What does that cliche even mean? Are there two "mes'", engaged in an intimate duel for dominion over my mind and body? Probably not.

"You just need to get out of your own way."

Now that one perplexes me even more. The obstacle that I need to overcome is myself. But what aspect of mySelf? Clearly, we aren't meant to take these cliches literally, or they would just be the common word salad we'd expect from a schizophrenic. These cliches seem to be hinting at an underlying theme. Self-sabotage.

How many times have you got yourself so excited about pursuing a specific endeavor? You may have actively imagined yourself enjoying the fruits of this endeavor, indulging in the thoughts and feelings associated with achieving this goal. Now the time to start this endeavor arrives. You begin by feverishly committing to this vision. You take the first few necessary steps to make your dreams a reality.

As time progresses, your romantic feelings towards this goal pass the honeymoon stage, and what once was a complete immersion fades into a mild focus.

Before you know it, you stop pursuing this endeavor.

Where was the spark you had to begin with? You brainstorm all the reasons why you couldn't find the motivation to continue. You tell yourself the same old story. I'm just not the type of person who does that type of thing... Not everyone would be: x,y,z.. It wasn't meant to be... Whether you're aware of it or not, you were doomed to begin with. Intoxicated by the sweet imaginings of future success, your burning desire acted as a catalyst to fuel the first few miles of the trip. Desire without faith is useless though. Deep down in the recesses of your being, a part of you was not congruent with the task at hand. A part of you believed itself to be unworthy of the success it desired. A part of you feared the challenges associated with the work and the consequences of potential failure. A part of you believed the criticisms your peers expressed when you spoke to them of your plans. A part of you desperately grasped onto the status quo, afraid of venturing into the unknown.

(Doubt is the devil.)

Your core beliefs expressed unconsciously and developed early in life, dominate your will. Whether positive or negative, these beliefs determine the course of your actions and chances at success. Analogous to computer programming, we are all running the SCRIPT of our fundamental beliefs. We are all stars of a Self-fulfilling prophecy. So how do we go about regaining control over our destiny? How do we leverage the forces of heaven and earth to our aid?

In comes LSD.

The transcendental super drug that fueled the counter-culture of the 1960's. The subject of the ever notorious MK-Ultra trials at McGill university. (Long story short, they were trying to develop a mind-controlling substance and were testing the efficacy of LSD6 to do the job.) The nootropic mind fuel for silicon valley tech-experts. LSD seems to be powerfully intertwined with higher mental functions and creativity.

This is not an academic post. I will not be discussing the scientifically proven benefits or downsides of consuming the substances. Instead, I will be sharing my personal experiences with the substance, and the dramatic transformations it had facilitated for me.

September 2016

I am starting my second year of university. I have barely any credits from the previous year and am dreading the two-hour commute to and from school. I feel as though I have no autonomy in my life. If I don't graduate from school, I will be a failure in life. I have to find a way to pay all this debt I'm placing myself in I am so much behind my peers; will I be able to graduate in four years? What will I do after my bachelor's degree? Ever and their mom has a degree in psychology; how will I get a job? Should I tell my parents I failed two classes last semester?

My mind was in a chaotic and paralytic nightmare.

Every day seemed like a hassle. Every moment was another drowned in future anxieties and worry. I was desperate for a change and turned to drugs. I had been experimenting with marijuana for a while but found it served as a spiritual anesthetic more than anything. I was looking for something more profound, something that would have an impactful and transformative effect on who I was with a person. Having experimented with magic mushrooms once before, and being deeply moved by the permanent effect it had on my worldview, I felt as though using LSD was the next logical step.

I found a supplier through a mutual friend; he testified to the potency of the drug, warning me of the potential dangers and elucidating the type of experience I was heading towards. The day after my first lecture of the year, I meet with the supplier.

I drop the acid on the 2-hour train ride home. An hour in and my visual perception becomes skewed. The walls of the train become amorphous. The chatter of those on the train merges into a static hum, hardly being able to pay attention to any dialogue long enough to decipher any meaning. Colors take on a higher level of saturation. Everything is brighter. A light layer of perspiration covers my body. It is the tail end of summer and the sun is blazing. I hop off the train and rush onto the bus, praying not to bump into anyone I know in my vulnerable state. Low and behold, I bump into a distant friend. We get into the standard dialogue that people who see each other unexpectedly after being loosely acquainted get into. Work. School. News. I mild nausea kicks in. The longer I stare at this mans face, the more cartoonish it appears. I abruptly hop off the bus and run into a local library. I lock myself in a public washroom stall and force myself to take a shit. Nothing is coming out. I step out the stall. I shouldn't have looked in the mirror. I can barely recognize myself. I look like a wild animal; alien. I jump back on the bus and head home. I rush into my parent's bedroom and console myself with my guitar. I feel as though I am sinking into my bed. The mild perspiration becomes a thick layer of sweat. The acid is not agreeing with the iced coffee I had hours prior. I rush to the washroom and force myself to vomit. My brother recognizes something is off. I psychically sense his concern. There is nothing left to do but confess. He directs me to his room where I spend the next few hours. Better his disapproving embrace than the wrath of my mother, I would not be able to handle that right now. He brings me his laptop and suggests I surf the web. I play Richard Linklater's "Waking Life". I am moved by the themes of the movie. Is my whole waking reality a manifestation of my dreaming reality?

The uncomfortable feelings fade and replaced with awe for everything around me as if I was seeing it all for the first time. I go outside and play basketball with the local high school kids. I am in ecstasy. I take my bike and go for a bike ride. The sky is so beautiful. Torrential rainfall and I'm far from home now. For the first time, I was not bothered by the rain. I embraced every drop. I get home soon enough and dreamed about the rest of my life. I was to become a world-traveling anthropologist, discovering new cultures and integrating them in the west. For the first time in a long time, I was not worried about anything. Everything was perfect.

I could've died a peaceful death at that moment.

In fact, I feel like a part of me died that day.

June 2019

I embark on an experiment. I buy 10 tabs of acid and decide to take small amounts every day, progressively taking larger doses as time progresses. At this point in time, I am working at an independent coffee shop. The only thing on my mind is saving up enough money to move out of my parent's house for good, and living on my own. Each day brings new insights. Week 1 I find myself stripping more and more activities and engagements from my life. I spend my off time meditating and reading books on personal success. I talk less and listen more. I'm making more tips at work and am a lot more diligent when it comes to the minutiae of the job. My workouts are amazing. I am hitting personal bests on the squat and deadlift.

Week 2

All my time spent not working is dedicated to spiritual work (meditation, prayer, active imagination), exercise and time with family. Old ideas are resurfacing and, for the first time, I am taking action towards realizing them.

Week 3

The course of my life has completely changed. I have reached a state of unconditional love. I am one with everything and everyone around me. My personal engagements are becoming more rich and authentic. I am no longer afraid to be vulnerable. I forgive those that have done me wrong in the past and make it a mandatory endeavor that I expose myself to the situations that make me feel the most insecure and afraid. In meditation, I cry tears of joy. I am complete as I am. I love everyone. I am completely transformed inside out, and opportunities and insights begin happening in real-time. My business idea seems so tangible as if they already exist in a parallel reality. Everything is perfect. I am at peace. A month has passed and the feelings I have cultivated during the three week period are alive and active. I no longer feel angry, or wronged. Every day is filled with gratitude. I make it a habit of mine to be creative daily. Cataloging my ideas and actively pursuing the ones I deem most appropriate for the moment.

LSD is a powerful tool.

It allowed me to access the deepest layers of my being and reorganize my belief system. Exposing myself to positive material during the experience was integral to rearranging my psyche. I have undergone a profound self-hypnotic restructuring, and can never see reality the same again.

The hippies might be on to something.

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