#it's so unfair like i saw people hating Mike over fucking MILKSHAKES because they just had to find a reason to hate him it's so stupid

[uselessnbee]

sometimes i feel so petty i want to make a big post about all the times Will and El weren't that great towards Mike just to ..you know.. balance it out a bit

#it's always here's all the times Mike hurt Will and El's feelings and never here's all the times Will and El hurt Mike's feelings #it's so unfair like i saw people hating Mike over fucking MILKSHAKES because they just had to find a reason to hate him it's so stupid #if i went on here and started hating on Will and El for not laughing at Mike's vomit green joke cause it made him sad yall would call me #absolutely crazy and delusional like be fucking for real Mike just breathes wrong in Will's or El's direction and he's the devil himself #but Will and El could literally call Mike a slur to his face and yall would be like hE dESeRvEd iT tHeY DiDnT dO aNyThiNG wRoNG like fr #there are so many small times when Mike tried to get Will's attention like the vomit green joke or the they're conspiring against me moment #and everyone always just laughs how Mike is a loser trying to get their attention but they always just ignore him or whatever but if it was #reversed? if it was Will trying to get Mike's attention only for Mike to either ignore him or yell in his face how it's stupid to be #concerned about something so small? oh yall would go ballistic suddenly yall wouldn't care how small these things are suddenly you would #want Mike fucking dead but when it's the other way around it's just funny and embarassing for Mike? and not just small things like this #when we point out how El invalidated his feelings and dismissed his bullying everyone is like oh she didn't mean that she meant it like #this she meant it like that she said it because of this and that and the situation is like this so this is why she said that #and blah blah blah she didn't do anything wrong but when it comes to Mike suddenly it doesnt matter if he meant it differently or if it was #the situation and messy feelings making him say something hurtful no he's just an asshole oh i am cursing you all #i hope you step on lego every day and your favorite snack is always sold out in every shop i hope every cat you try to call will ignore you #or hiss at you i am so tired of the double standards when it comes to Mike and willel i am so angry #mike wheeler #mike wheeler protection squad #blue's 'mike's extreme defender' ramblings #i got a little carried away in the tags but i'm not sorry i said what i said #and idc if i get hate for it cause i'm right anyways

[ancientbooshartifacts]

Junk

Author: Vous_et_moi

Year: 2008

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Mike/Dave

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“Dave?”

“Yeah Dave.”

“But… Dave?”

“Fucks sake, Noel, yes, Dave.”

Noel looked at his little brother unbelievingly, Mike was picking at the print on his t shirt, avoiding Noels eye. He had just admitted to perhaps maybe fancying Noel’s friend Dave a bit in the middle of McDonalds and Noel sat with a fry half way to his mouth, Mike watched as the ketchup on the end of the fry dripped off and landed on the table top.

“Are you sure Mike, cause this could just be like that time you thought you fancied Dee and got all upset and then once you told me you didn’t fancy her anymore-”

“It’s not that.”

“How can you be sure?” Noel eventually ate his chip and sat back with his arms crossed, peering at Mike. That had been fucking awful, he’d thought about breaking up with Dee for a week, he hated seeing Mike upset.

“Because that was misplaced jealousy, remember? Julian worked it all out, psychoanalyzing me? You’d been seeing Dee more, I didn’t like it, bla bla bla?”

“Yeah Yeah I get you, but this is just mental. When did you start liking boys?”

“Not boys, a boy.” Mike argued, reminding himself of a Blackadder episode. Only he didn’t think Dave was going to turn into a girl called Kate.

“Ugh no. How many times Mike; do what I say not what I do!”

“Yeah I bloody chose to be like you, I thought to myself ‘out of everyone in the whole world, I think I’ll use Noel as an idol, hopefully I’ll get the aids before I’m thirty.’”

“Oi!” Noel laughed, “Shut it. You shouldn’t eat that,” He nodded towards Mike’s burger, “bet them animals died in really horrific ways.”

“Don’t care. Neither did you, stop hanging out with Russell Brand, you’ll be doin’ Yoga next.”

“Fuck off!”

They shared cheeky grins before Noel remembered what they’d been talking about.

“But like…Dave?”

“I like him. He’s nice to me.”

“So is mum.”

“Shut up. This is awkward, don’t make it worse. I just thought I should talk to you seeing as you’re meant to LOVE me and help me out.”

“…I don’t love you that much. Aw Mike why do you always have to be so difficult!”

“What?”

“There’s probably loads of people who want you! You have to pick Dave.”

“I know”

“Who by the way, is MY mate, and straight, AND is seeing a girl.”

“Yeah I know.”

Mike sounds so sad and small Noel stops trying to act smart for a minute and leans forward in his chair, “You want me to say something?”

“Noel!”

“What?”

“I’m not twelve.” Mike sighs, pokes at his burger with a fry. He wants to open up the bun and peel out the slice of gherkin he knows lurks inside, but he also knows his brother, and how quick Noel would be out of there if he saw even a glimpse of green. They both hated them yes, but Noel couldn’t even look at gherkins.

“I know. But I could scout about, pull some shapes, see what he thinks of the idea?”

“There’s no point. You’ll make things all funny.” Mike gets a knot in his stomach at the thought of Dave finding out that he like’s him, it twists and turns and he’s not very hungry anymore, but that’s ok, because Noel has already started on his fries now that his own are finished.

“I won’t, I can be very inconspicuous when I want to.”

“You are about as inconspicuous as an elephant on a tube with a back pack, muttering to another elephant about becoming a hero-”

“Yes alright, Mikey, just you calm down, eh?” Noel grinned, ripping open a curry sauce.

They make an odd sight, him and Mike, sitting in a McDonalds at three in the morning, Noel wearing a purple glittery ensemble and high platform boots, Mike was wearing a grunge looking t shirt that Noel had already unsuccessfully tried to bin this week and baggy blue jeans, he was sitting cross legged on the table top but no one was around to tell him to get up, just some drunks in the corner, Mike focused on them for a minute.

“Those guys over there are talking about you.”

“They are? Balls. Good or bad?”

“Huh?”

“Like, is it “I’d tap that, crikey.” Or “Look at that great Electro poof, lets beat him up and secretly tap that.”

Mike laughed into his Milkshake as he took a drink, “I dunno, probably the second one, they look a bit outraged. Will I text the men folk or do you recon we can take them?”

“How many?”

“Four.”

“Men folk.” Noel grinned, even though his words made him sound worried about the drunks as soon as he knew he was being watched he started to preen. Mike got out his mobile phone, pretended to take a picture of Noel when really it was the guys (photo reference for Julian) he sent the picture to Julian with the simple message “Robin in trouble, hurry up Batman. J ”

“Do you think he’ll still be awake.”

“He’d stay awake till I got in.” Noel said absentmindedly, “I really need to pee and I cant cause they’ll follow me up stairs.”

“I’m not chumming you to piss.”

“Come on Mike, I could die.”

“Don’t care. Hold it in.”

Noel tutted, “You are not going the right way about me NOT telling Dave you fancy him.”

“You can’t use that against me! That is unbelievably unfair!” Mike glared at Noel, who only smirked back at him, “Plus what good am I? remember that last fight I got in? That guy just looked at me and took my glasses off of me and I was fucked.”

Noel started laughing loudly bringing a little more attention that was necessary to them, “That was fucking excellent!”

“Fuck you.”

“I wanted to shake the guys hand, how quick was he? Genius!”

“Noel shut the fuck up.”

“I mean with most people they’d do the usual hand-on-the-head move you know, pointing out very unoriginally that you’re about three foot-”

“-I’ll tell mum.”

“-But that guy. Wow, what a working class hero.” Noel was snickering, Mike tried not to smile but it was too hard, Noels laugh was infectious.

“It was the fact he put them safely back into my pocket afterwards that I liked best.”

The memory of it was too much for Noel and he positively squealed with laughter, clutching his sides, Mike laughed too but threw a fry at him so he knew he wasn’t really that amused.

“uh oh, your fans are on the move,” Mike’s eyes widened a little and he quickly looked at his trainers, Noel busied himself with reading the nutrition guide. But it was to no avail, they watched a shadow cast over the table.

“Oi you!” One of the men started, Mike saw three possibilities, One; Grab the tray, hit the biggest one with the tray, then using the tray as a sort of shield run for it. Two; Abandon Noel, hope that his glitter distracts them long enough so that he can call Julian and tell him to hurry up, but he couldn’t possibly do that one and the third… Well the third was confrontation.

After all he had contact lenses in today.

“Oi What?” Mike looked up challenging, he snuck a hand into his pocket, his mind going ‘Zippo Lighter, align your knuckles.’

“Are you two from “The Mighty Boosh?”

Not what they’d been expecting.

“Em, yeah.” Noel replied nervously.

“My girlfriend loves you,” The Man flipped his mobile phone out, “If I call her will you say hi?”

“Eh… Sure.”

Mike and Noel swapped relieved looks as the Drunk called up his girlfriend who didn’t seem very impressed at being woken up so late, he put her on loud speak, Mike and Noel took the phone.

“Alright?” They called out together, recognising their voices she seemed to waken up a bit.

“Oh my God oh my God! Is that really you?!?!”

“Yeah,” Mike grinned, “Think so.”

“Where are you guys?”

“Getting junk food-”Noel began, the Man waved at them franticly, shaking his head, Noel coughed, “Yeah, just met your boyfriend on the street.”

“Oh right, is he drunk?”

Mike and Noel grinned at each other, “No he’s fine, yeah, tell you the truth love I think we’re in worse nick, MIKE GET OFF OF THAT WALL! Sorry, little brothers eh?”

Mike covered his mouth quickly to cover his laugh, Noel covered the bottom of the phone.

“Oh, wow, well, I better let you go look after him, Thanks for talking to me…”

“No probz Darlin’ Keep watching the show!”

“I will do, Oh, go tell that tosser that if he wants his tea he’ll find it in the wheelie bin, Night night”

Mike, Noel and the Drunk man’s mates laughed as the phone was hung up, the Drunk man snatched it back and frowned at it, Noel moved up the bench.

“Look Sit here, take a picture for her.”

Mike and Noel waved them off smiling, well, that hadn’t been too bad.

“I keep forgetting guys staring at me might mean they recognise me now and not that they want to perform some GBH.” Noel was peering just past Mike to the car park outside, “Cavalry’s arrived. Hey Mike your boyfriend came along too.”

“Shut it!” Mike growled, he stopped himself from turning round to look, and waited for them to get into the restaurant.

“Alright, where were you? Fat lot of use you guys are, me and Mike just got bummed.” Noel grinned as he swung his arms around Julian’s neck, “McFlurry might make up for it though?”

“You didn’t tell us which McDonalds you were going to, we’ve been to two other stores.” Dave shook his head, perching on the table next to Mike, he looked at the younger man concerned, “You alright?”

“Eh…”

Julian scoffed, “Noel says he’ll forgive us for getting him raped if I buy him ice cream, how do you think they are? What happened?”

“Just wanted us to say hi to his girlfriend.” Mike mumbled, going shy with Dave’s eyes on him, Noel grinned wickedly at him, Mike grew worried, and bit his lip, Noel softened at this and looked back at Julian.

“I want a crunchie one and Mike wants an apple pie and I DEMAND it now!”

“You are a spoiled brat Noel Fielding.”

“Yes but I’m your spoiled brat.”

Dave made reaching sounds and Mike laughed hopping off of the table.

“Those two are well sick.” Dave threw his arm over Mike’s shoulder, Mike leaned in a little, if Dave had looked down at that precise moment He would have seen Mikes eyes being to shine, as it was, he didn’t/

“Yeah” Mike repeated back, in a small voice, “Sick.”

~~~

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“Mike?”

“Yeah Mike.”

“But… Mike?”

“Yes Julian, Mike.”

Dave spoke very slowly as if he were talking to a particularly dim witted child, He shook his head and grabbed anther piece of pizza, “This is good, who made it?”

“Primo Pizza, off of York Street. Mike though, seriously?”

“Yup.” Dave bit down, looking at Julian nervously, Julian was frowning, he took a long drink from his can of lager.

“Noel will kill you, you know that, yes?”

“That’s why he doesn’t find out, right?”

“Alright.” Julian sighed, knowing already he was doomed. Noel always knew when he was keeping something from him, even when it was a s innocent as finishing off the last Jammy Dodger. He had no chance in Hell of keeping mum over this, “How long?”

“Fucking AGES man, It’s so much worse this tour cause we’re bunking up this time round and he keeps wondering about all naive and innocent in his boxers-”

“-Woah there, don’t need to hear that, he’s like my adoptive little brother too now.”

“Yeah sorry man. I wish I was back with Rich.”

“I thought you said he snored like a mother bitch?”

“He does. You keep using Noelisms.”

“I know. It’s not right. Have you heard him and Mike talking? After a while it’s like listening to a different language.”

“You’re just not down with the kids.”

“Lol.”

Julian and Dave laughed, feeling very clever about themselves.

“What about your girl?”

“Don’t ask, she was all mad about something when we left, and I said I’d see her soon, and she said not likely and I don’t think I replied back the way she wanted so she stormed off.”

“What did you say?”

“I said ‘cool man, catch you on the flip side.’”

Julian laughed and stretched out a bit more on his bed. They sat in his and Noel’s hotel room, playing cards and drinking cheap beer, Julian was actually quite tired now, but he couldn’t sleep until Noel was back an safe, and he had the feeling that’s how Dave felt about Mike.

They were a funny breed the Fielding boys, they made you happy, deep down, deep, deep down. Julian wasn’t actually sure where it was they warmed you up from, probably the chi.

But when they went out alone, which Julian supposed they had been doing long before he met them, you couldn’t help but worry.

It wasn’t like they were kids, far from it, and they didn’t go looking for trouble. Trouble just seemed to follow them about.

They were loud together, really loud, and talked about nothing, it brought attention to them, and Noel, bless him, always wore what he wanted to wherever he went, unfortunately there were some people who definitely didn’t like his style.

Much like a white pointy hat at a Chris Rock gig.

“Where’s Matt and Rich?”

“I dunno… still out on the pull?”

“Yikes, Newcastle, lock up your sons and daughters.”

Dave smiled, shuffling through his cards, he checked his watch again for what seemed like the hundreth time that night, Julian watched him sympathetically, he gave up trying to tie down Noel with time a long time ago.

“You going to say anything to him?”

“Who?”

“Mike.”

Dave looks up, raises his eyebrows, he looks like he is considering the question, but shakes his head.

“Why not?”

“Make things awkward for him, man, couldn’t do that. Don‘t want things to change.”

Julian was going to argue that maybe Mike would feel he same, but he thought better of it, Dave was right to just leave it.

Change wasn’t always the way forward.

“Julian Julian you can’t have babies! Please Ju!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I know what happens when babies are born!”

“Noel-”

“I disappear! I disappear and no one can see me! Please Ju don’t you go too!”

Julian was snapped out of his thoughts by his mobile vibrating off of the bedside table, he sighed and went to receive it.

“Place your bets, “Dear Juju, I’m cold, come and pick me-”

“What?”

“The boy’s are in trouble. Come on grab your coat.”

“This is useless. Did they not tell you which one they were going to?”

“No but it has to be one near by, they walked to it didn’t they?”

Dave and Julian scanned the horizon from inside the touring car, Dave’s eyes lit up as he saw another pair of golden arches in the distance.

“There! Look, that has to be it!”

Julian changed lanes and headed towards the late night restaurant.

They parked the car and hurried towards McDonalds, Dave jumped over the bike racks outside and they nearly collided with a group of drunks that were coming out, Dave breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Mike and Noel sitting in a corner booth, Mike was sitting cross legged on the table top, he looked adorable. Noel was grinning as he stood up from the bench

“Alright, where were you? Fat lot of use you guys are, me and Mike just got bummed.” he swung his arms around Julian’s neck, Nuzzling into his jumper “McFlurry might make up for it though?”

“You didn’t tell us which McDonalds you were going to, we’ve been to two other stores.” Dave leaned on the table top next to Mike, he looked worried, “You alright?”

“Eh…” Mike was worrying at his bottom lip, Dave adored that.

“Noel says he’ll forgive us for getting him raped if I buy him ice cream, how do you think they are?” Julian rolled his eyes, “What happened?”

“Just wanted us to say hi to his girlfriend.” Mike said in barely more than a whisper, something was up but Dave couldn’t figure out what, he caught Noel giving his little brother a cheeky grin, before turning his attention back to Julian.

“I want a crunchie one and Mike wants an apple pie and I DEMAND it now!”

“You are a spoiled brat Noel Fielding.”

“Yes but I’m your spoiled brat.”

Dave crinkled up his nose, he was all for being young and in love but he couldn’t stand soppy bull shit like that, at least, not where everyone had to hear it.

They headed towards the counter so Noel could get his ice cream, Noel had wrapped himself around Julian’s arm and was chatting away excitedly, Dave threw his arm around Mike, loving the contact.

He felt bad for Mike, always having to see his brother draped over someone, he wondered what it would be like to grow up like that, your brother obviously so comfortable in his own skin.

Mike was looking at Noel uncomfortably, Dave thought he understood why…

“Those two are well sick.”

He didn’t.

“Yeah, Sick.”

~~~

There’s something up with Noel.

There’s defiantly Something up with Noel.

Julian sighed and stared up at the ceiling that he couldn’t see because of the dark but he knew it was there. Noel was rolling over and over beside him, tossing and turning and sighing and tutting, giving Julian not so subtle kicks awake.

Enough was enough, Julian reached over and switched on the bedside light, his hand went up to tub his eyes, to stop the stars from dancing there. Noel did the same.

“Fuck, Ju! My eyes!”

“What’s the matter? you’ve been rolling about for 2 hours, its almost half five! We’ve got stuff to do tomorrow!” Julian turned so he could face Noel, Noel did the same, he brought up his hand up to put stray hairs back from Julian’s face, “I’ll staple you to the bed if you don’t stop moving.”

“Most decent folks would say tie me down, and not put sharp metal through my beautiful skin.”

“Most folk don’t know you to be a wriggle monster like I do.”

Noel smiled and shuffled closer to Julian, ducking his head down low as if he was about to tell him a secret.”

“I know something.” he was smiling mischievously, Julian grinned back and snaked an arm around Noels waist.

“Really? What?”

Noel bit his lip, “I cant tell you.”

“Oh. Alright. Night-night Noel.”

Julian hit the light switch and the room was plunged back into darkness. Noel bounced about beside him, huffing and sighing, then after a few moments he spoke again.

“Don’t you want to know?”

“Not if you cant tell me.”

Mike likes someone.” Noel blurted out, Julian rolled his eyes, not that Noel could see.

“Mike always likes someone. That’s what he does.”

“No, it’s different this time. It’s new, it’s interesting.” He could hear Noels grin in his words, he smiled too, knowing how desperate the younger man was to tell him the big secret.

“Good. You can talk about it with him in the morning.” Julian bit his lip to stop himself from laughing as Noel whined from beside him, wriggling in frustration.

“Do you want to guess? If you guess it means I haven’t told you.” Noel pleaded

“Noel it’s almost dawn, I don’t care, I’ll never care, I wouldn’t care if it was you right now.”

Noel poked him in the tummy, it hurt a little but Julian let it go, he supposed if someone had said that about a brother of his he’d want to hurt them too.

“That’s disgusting. I’d care. No go on! Guess!”

Julian sighed and in his minds eye came up with a list of any female they had recently been in contact with.

“Dee?”

Julian felt Noel shake his head beside him, his feathery hair tickling Julian’s face, the feeling used to annoy Julian, a long time ago when Noel had grown it out, now he didn’t think he could live without it.

“No.”

“Sue?”

“Nope.”

“Julia?”

“Uhuh”

“Rich?”

“…No. And also go home.” Noel sounded disgusted and then seeming to remember what they were talking abut giggled and jumped about beside Julian.

“Noel please just let me get some sleep. Stop jumping in the bed.”

“Fine grumpy. I will. And it was Dave, by the way.”

Julian switched the light back on and sat up in bed, Noel grunted at the harsh yellow bulb and covered his eyes with the duvet.

“NO WAY!”

“What?” Noel asked, peering out from under the covers, just his eyes showing, Julian opened his mouth then remembered just in time that he couldn’t say. He really couldn’t. He mustn’t.

“I can’t tell you. Nothing. Go to sleep.”

Noel threw the cover off of him and sat up with Julian, he grabbed the older mans hand and look’s at him with puppy dog eyes. Julian hates his weak will.

“No! What do you know!”

Julian looked pained, and Noel felt bad for pressing on something he clearly doesn’t want to discuss, but to know that there is gossip, but not to know what said gossip was? Well that went against everything Noel Fielding stood for.

“I promised Noel, do promises not mean anything to you?”

Noel held out his hand formally to Julian, and fixes him with an unwavering stare.

“Hi, I’m Noel Fielding, I don’t believe you’ve met me?”

“Alright, fair enough. But they mean something to me.”

Noel pushed Julian back down on the bed and straddled him, putting a hand either side of Julian’s head he looked at him pointedly.

“Balls; there’s no secrets between us Juju.”

“Not through lack of trying on my account.” Julian sighed, and tried to ignore Noels thighs by his sides because if he touched Noel now he would defiantly be a goner.

“Ju! Ju what do you know! Tell me! Pwease?” Noel pressed his body right against Julian, giving it all he got, he kissed Julian’s cheek chastely in the innocent way he knew Julian loved and whispered ever so softly, “Please, Jelly bean?”

Julian felt his resolve crumble at the use of Noel’s oh-so-secret nickname for him, his lip trembled, a sure fire way to know when he’s about to snap, Noel closes his eyes and starts giving him Eskimo kisses…

“Its about Dave.”

Noel does his best not to grin, and give away his innocent façade.

“What?”

“He likes someone.” Julian gulps, hoping Dave will forgive him somehow.

“Who…?“ Julian raised his eyebrows and waited for Noel to make the connection, “…OH!”

“Oh.”

Noel started bouncing up and down, grinning madly.

“Yes that’s brilliant! Now they can go out and it could be so sweet! Providing they don’t shag, cause if Dave even looks at Mike in a dodgy way I’ll kick his arse.”

Julian was biting his lip enjoying the sensation of Noel’s tiny little jumps, however he knew that Noel shouldn’t let himself get too happy.

“No, they cant.” Julian sighs.

“Exactly.”

“No, I mean they can’t just go out because we can’t tell them that they feel the same way because we’re not meant to know.”

Noels bouncing comes to a halt, the bed still creaks a little and Julian can’t help but think of all the time’s he’s heard bed springs groaning in hotel rooms, were they too just an innocent noise of a boy jumping on the bed excitedly?

He doubted it.

“Oh no!” Noel looked so disappointed that Julian felt his heart pull a little bit, “But what if we just tried to get them to tell each other?”

“I don’t think they will, little man.”

Julian knows Dave won’t not just out of fear of rejection but also fear of change, they had a nice set up, Him and Mike, their relationship for all intents and purposes like going out with someone but with non of the ties and tribulations that came with sex.

Julian had often thought of sex as the destroyer of otherwise innocent passion.

Noel started to clamber off of Julian but he grabbed a hold of Noel’s hips and kept him still.

“Where do you think you’re going, wriggle monster?” Julian leaned up to catch Noels lips in a kiss, Noel grinned;

“I thought you said it was bed time?”

“Bit late now for sleep, we’ll never wake up for that press review.”

“Ah right, “Noel said between kisses, “I can see your point.”

Julian rolled them over so he could lie Noel down on the pillows on his own side, “Ugh me covers have gone all cold!”

“Not for long.”

He likes the way Noel feels underneath him, likes to know how his lover could have anyone but only wants him, it’s nice to feel the ever confidant Noel shakes underneath him and grab a hold of him so tightly, like he’s afraid Julian will disappear if he doesn’t.

He likes the feel of Noels collar bone as he kisses along it, likes the way every time he exhales Noel shivers at the tickle of his breath. He likes to make Noel squirm, and shudder and thrust underneath him, but most of all?

“Julian, Ju please!”

He loves to make him beg.

~~~

Rich wasn’t quite sure what had happened, but something most definitely had.

Something was rippling through the Boosh boys like an underwater jigsaw, oh yes, he could tell, it took a small small man to go unnoticed by Richard Fulcher.

He didn’t think Matt had noticed, but he’d been out of the dynamic of the group for so long it was understandable that he was so oblivious, munching away on cornflakes and chatting about their night out before.

Also, he had the strangest feeling that Matt may be too normal to pick up on this stuff.

Noel kept grinning at Mike, who in turn would give him a furious look back and take frightened little glances at Dave, who was doing the same only he was also trying to subtly get Julian’s attention, who was very obviously ignoring this while staring at Noel, shaking his head in what could only be Julian telling Noel to calm down.

Curiouser and curiouser…

Rich poured himself another coffee, and sat back in his seat to try and analyze.

“Mike, eat it.”

“I don’t want to!”

“Eat it. You’ve go to keep up your BMI, mum will kill me if you don’t and you’ve not been eating at all!”

“Not through lack of trying! You ate all my chips last night AND I couldn’t eat my burger cause you’d freak out if I took out the pickle bit!”

“Sorry, look I know, but just eat it, please?”

“Can I not just have some fruit?”

Every morning the same argument, Mike just wasn’t hungry in the mornings that’s all, but his weight did seem to drop alarmingly sometimes. He didn’t eat a lot (well, except for sweets) but he expended a lot of energy, more than Noel even, Rich wasn’t sure what happened in their gene pool but they never seemed to be able to sit down for long. Noel was always on a diet, Rich sometimes thought that this was the reason he obsessed so much with Mike’s eating habits.

That, or he really REALLY enjoyed winding up Mike.

Rich knew he did.

“It’s just a bit toast!” Noel shoved Mike’s plate further towards him but Mike pushed it back, glaring at his older brother, he hadn’t been at the table when they ordered and Noel forgetting how fair-weather Mike was towards food had just ordered for him.

“No it’s not, it’s got all these beans all over the place! I’m short sighted, Noel, not fucking blind!”

“Just eat the toast then!”

“It’s covered in tomato juice! I won’t do it, I’d rather eat dick!”

“I bet you would.” Noel grinned and stuck his tongue in his cheek, there was a sudden thump as Mike’s foot connected with Noel’s shin, “OW! Fucks sake Mike!”

“Easy boys…” Julian intervened, taking Mikes plate he scraped the food onto his own, “Mike what do you want?”

“Umm…”

Noel threw himself back in his chair, he reminded Rich of Kevin the teenager, “Ugh! Don’t ask HIM to choose something! We’ll be here all day!”

“Can I get some apple juice and some pancakes please Julian?” Mike stuck out his tongue at Noel and smiled sweetly at Julian who sighed and got up to go to the counter.

Rich frowned, had another sip of his coffee. Now, what could be the cause of all this tension? If he wasn’t very much mistaken he thought the situation ran somewhere along the lines of this;

Dave and Mike like each other, that had been apparent for ages, but it seemed that Mike has eventually told Noel and now Noel is milking it for all it is worth, which was a little threatening to Mike, thus the kick. However at some point Dave must have also told Julian that he liked Mike, so now Dave was trying to get some sort of confirmation out of Julian that Julian hadn’t told Noel, as Julian tells Noel everything, but as Julian was trying to avoid Dave’s eye it was pretty clear he has told Noel, however, Noel and Julian haven sworn to secretly to both Mike and Dave respectively not to tell anyone, so now Noel and Julian know that Mike and Dave like each other but they can’t tell Mike and Dave this happy news because if they do Julian and Noel will have been discovered breaking their promises, which, he imagines, will not best impress Dave and Mike.

Well, that could be it… Probably not though. He’d misjudged these things before.

~~~

They had free time, Dave Julian, Matt and Rich had headed off into town to see the sights and sounds of Newcastle town but Mike and Noel had already done everything there was to do, they used to have an aunt that lived here and summer holidays had been spent strolling up and down the central arcade and the discovery museum.

They were sat in Noel’s room, Mike was tapping away at an original game boy (birthdays would bring offers of a Game boy colour which were flatly refused, Mike had openly laughed at the idea of a Nintendo DS) and Noel was pretending to flick though a magazine, but the match maker in side him was kicking and screaming and he couldn’t focus on the words.

He hated this feeling, knowing that he could sort this all out, make his little brother happy, he liked a happy Mike, a proper nothing-could-be-better happy bouncy Mike, he was good to be around, could cheer anyone up, it was how Noel had survived though High school.

Noel had been staring at an article about how someone or other had gotten fat for the last 20 minutes, he had been coming up with a plan, any kind of plan. It was quite difficult actually. He didn’t know how Julian did it.

“Mike?”

Mike looked up from his game, smacking the pause button as he went. “Yeah?”

Noel bit his lip, rubbed his nose with one finger “Naw, It’s nothing, forget it.”

“What?” Mike looked at him quizzically, turning around on the bed so he could look at Noel properly.

“Nah, Its o.k. Just eh… nah” Noel was really working over his lip, it was a sign that he was keeping something from Mike, they both did it, it was how their parents knew if they had done anything they weren’t supposed to.

“What is it?”

Noel sighed, and tried to think of how best to ask Mike about Dave again, “How much do you like Dave? Like… do you want a shag or what?”

Mike fixed his older brother with a hard stare. “…Shut up Noel.”

“No listen! What I mean is like… Do you think you love him?” Noel shuffled over a bit closer to Mike, ducked his head a bit so Mike knew he meant to have a serious conversation about this.

“How can I love him? I mean, with out us being in love?” Mike muttered, looking back to his game boy, Mario blinked away at him, Mike found himself wishing he’d never pressed Noel.

“Well… When you think about him….“ Mike looked back up and raised an eyebrow, this was more difficult than Noel expected. You know what wouldn’t be difficult? Just being allowed to tell Mike that Dave fancied him. “How do you feel… Does it hurt?”

“Sometimes, like if we’re out and like… girls come over, you know?” Noel nodded in an understanding way, Mike wished that he wouldn’t, “But mainly I’m just like…really happy to be near to him, and I like making him laugh, it’s all…funny.” Now Noel was giving him a dopey smile, Mike began to bristle a bit, “Stop smiling like that.”

“Like what?” Noel grinned.

“It’s not cute.” Mike crossed his arms, Noel fought back the urge to tell him that going in a huff only ever made him look cuter, because in fairness it really did. Diddums.

“I never said it was.”

“I can tell you know, what you’re thinking. Stop it.”

Noel laughed and shook his head, looking away from his brother for a minute. It was extremely hard setting Mike up, he was pretty clueless actually. He wondered if he‘d ever been that dense. “If he asked you, told you he liked you, would you go about with him?”

“It’s not going to happen.”

“But if he did?”

“…Yeah probably.”

“Cool.” Noel considered this, “Would you ask him?”

Mike looked scandalized, “No!”

“…Ok“ Fuck, Mike was difficult, how he‘d ever, ever had a girlfriend was beyond Noel, then he remembered every single one Mike had got had asked him out rather than the other way about. What could he do then, to try and encourage Dave to put a move on Mike? Noel frowned, it felt very, very odd to be thinking of ways to make your mate try and pull your little brother. He’d think about that later though. “Well. We could get him to notice you.”

“I think he knows I exist, Noel, it has been quite a number of years that we’ve been working together.”

Sometimes, Mike could be a splendiferous twat.

“No, no I mean like, NOTICE, notice you. In a sexual sense.”

Noel prayed to Mick Jagger that he never ever had to talk to his brother about people noticing him in a sexual sense ever again.

“He’s not gay.”

“Neither’s Julian, or me… Or you.”

“Yeah but you and Julian’s different though, init? You’re all like soul mates and stuff.”

Noel tried not to grin like a fool at Mike’s words, he feels like he’s just drank a really good cup of tea, like his little brothers just given him a hug from in his tummy.

“Yeah but you an’ Dave are like the beginning of a comic idea, like I mean, you could be too, me and Julian write together all the time sure, but you and Dave drive about in the banter bus, I’ve heard you together, it’s amazing, I want to bottle it up and sell it to sad people to make them laugh.”

Mike stares at him, Noel is already aware that he sometimes only makes sense in his mind and his words don’t always come out the way they sound in his head. “You are fucking weird sometimes.”

“Thanks. Nah I just mean we could tart you up a bit.”

“Fuck off.”

Mike is frowning again now and turns back to his game, another example of how Noel can’t get the English language to work out for him.

“No listen it’s a good idea, get you more fitted clothes, bit of eyeliner, product in your hair-”

“-Glitter nail varnish and a big pink bow-”

“Now you’re just being ridiculous. It’ll work, let me dress you up a bit.”

“I’m not a bleeding turkey.”

Mike is still playing the computer, Noel listens to the beeps and blips, Mike had it turned down earlier but Noel wanted it played, he liked it, it was like music, broken music, someone had come along and stolen some of the notes, but he could fill them back in in his head, he was good at that.

“Just for tonight, the Robot’s gig, If you hate it loads it’ll be fine cause you can just tell people I dressed you-”

Mike snorts with laughter, Noel cant see but from his hand movements he knows that Mario is jumping ledge to ledge, Noel catches himself wondering what a Mighty Boosh game boy game would be like.

“-you did.”

“Yeah, see? And then you’ll pull Dave and be happy and he can remind you to take your lenses out and I’ll be free from worrying that you might have forgotten and did you take your pill and have you called mum-”

Mike looks up from his game at last, looks at Noel with confusion, the sound of Mario dying a death screeches out from the hand held console, but their attention is far off from the machine now. “-He does that already.”

“What?”

“He already does that. I thought you told him to?”

Noel has to stop himself from punching the air, Dave really likes him, he really does and it’s so cool, and he can pair his brother off and know he’ll get looked after and not fucked about and then Mike might cheer up and start eating breakfast again, Noel sometimes thinks that he lives to make other people happy, because the rush he gets from Mike’s words is almost as good like finding out that Julian was in love with him, he wants to grab a hold of Mike and shake him, screaming ‘Don’t you see what this is? It’s a summertime miracle, like new grass and the sun shining at 9 p.m rejoice! Rejoice! Everything’s going to be ok!’

But he doesn’t, instead he bites his lip and smiles and stares back at his magazine where “Catherine” from Bristol is getting made over to look like J.Lo.

“Naw man, mum must‘ve called him up, not trusting me to do it.”

“That‘ll be it...Fuck it, tonight, what did you have planned?”

~~~

“Ah! Fuck off Noel that was my eye!”

“Keep still then you wriggly little twat!”

“It’s not my fault you can’t do a fucking straight line!”

“I’ll leave you like this, then we’ll see how much Dave fancies you shall we?”

“These jeans are scratchy!”

“SHUT UP!”

“Noel it’s not worth it! I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH AS A BROTHER TO LET US KILL EACH OTHER OVER EYELINER!”

“Just… Behave. DON’T TOUCH YOUR HAIR!”

“THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”

“MICHAEL BEHAVE!”

“I DON’T LIKE NEON COLOURS!”

“THEY’RE NOT SO KEEN ON YOU EITHER!”

*******

Dave was tapping up a storm on his thighs, having no drum kit to hand and being extremely bored, he had no high hat, so instead he was hitting an empty water glass with a pencil, He was aware that the rest of the group was staring at him but he didn’t care, they were supposed to be at the gig by now, he was all hyped up after the show and wanted to let off some steam, Noel and Mike had been shut up in Noel’s room for almost an hour and it was seriously starting to tick everyone off.

How long did it take to get ready?

He supposed he could take a wander back to his hotel room, he had brought along some bongo drums, have a play on those, or maybe go for another shower, it did seem like he had the time to after all.

Matt and Rich were playing snap, having been convinced by Noel to come out to the gig, Dave felt for them, they didn’t particularly even like the girls music but they’d agreed to come out, group bonding as it were, it had been lucky that the girls were doing Newcastle just as they were passing though, Noel had been giddy with it during the show.

Dave looked up at Julian, he wondered how it felt, to be brushed aside so easily for the fierce little Dee and her neon smiles. Probably a bit like how it would feel to be swept aside for the lovely Julia and her two beautiful boys.

Complicated things, Human beings.

Dave wondered if he could go and have a smoke, maybe a nice bit of green would calm him down a bit, but he knew he really just wanted to jump around and drink a lot of tequila. Proper tequila, with lime and salt. And Mexican hats.

Dave’s thoughts turned to Mike, as they so often did. He’d looked anxious, as he’d been dragged away with Noel, what did his brother have planned for him, Dave wondered, that made Mike look so apprehensive? He wished he’d followed, he was willing to lay bets out that they’d snuck out the window and disappeared off into the night leaving the rest of them here to go mad and fester.

He could understand, but why not take him with them? He was too young for games of snap in hotel lobbies. Yeah?

He was torn from his thoughts by the sound of the elevator door dinging open and Noel and Mike clambering out, Noel laughing and talking so fast, like he was up to his eyeballs in speed and Mike…

And Mike…

Dave stood up, like a nervous prom date who’s queen had just entered the room, he couldn’t help it, he just stared and stared at Mike, swallowing had somehow become the hardest task in the world.

He didn’t look like Mike… well, he did, of course he did, but he didn’t. But Mike on a night out was a blazer, a band t shirt and stone washed jeans with a pair of Adidas three stripes and a trilby hat; this was… Not that.

Mike stood a little taller than usual in a pair of purple Gordon Jack trainers, black skater style jeans and a back shirt unbuttoned over what could only be one of Noel’s T shirts covered in neon prints. Dave couldn’t count the number of bangles on one skinny wrist.

Mikes hair had been stylized or… Dave didn’t know, his curls seemed more defined his hair looked darker, shinier, and his eyes…

It was Noel’s handiwork, that was for sure, from the corner of Mike’s left eye there were stars that faded back into his hair line, his eyes themselves had been lined, thick and black and Egyptian looking, with a trail of silver glitter under each eye. The only thing of Mike’s that Dave recognised was the half moon necklace that hung around his neck.

In short, he appeared to be Noelified.

Mike was looking back at Dave, he looked so nervous, Dave should probably say something but he can’t, in fact, now that he was coming back to reality he noticed that everyone was just staring at the younger Fielding brother.

Mike sighed, “Sorry everyone it appears that I have accidentally come dressed as a gimp.” He turned around back to face the elevator, “You go ahead, I’ll catch up.”

Noel made a grab for his brothers arm, “Hey, aren’t you even going to wait and see what they say?”

“They don’t need to say anything-”

“You look good.” Dave blurted out, Mike turned to look at him, “You do. You look good. Not like… you don’t look like our Mike but, fuck, Noel won’t be getting any attention tonight.”

Matt nodded, Julian nodded, Rich just stared a little open mouthed, it was a little like waking up and realizing that your cute little cousin was going to grow up and discover sex and drugs and throw away their Lego bricks. Dave was half waiting for Mike to push up against him, stub out a cigarette and whisper ‘Tell me about it, stud.’

Instead Mike was pulling at the bottom of the t shirt and looking thoroughly uncomfortable, both Dave and Mike missed the triumphant look Noel gave Julian, but Rich didn’t, and he stood up quickly.

“Alright let’s go we’re late already, Matt and I will go grab a cab, yeah?” He got Matt on the shoulder and pulled him outside quickly, if he did this right then maybe Dave and Mike would get a chance to speak together between the hotel and the noisy club.

Mike looked back up at Dave, “Is it really stupid?”

Dave shook his head hard, “No, no not at all. You look really different mate that’s all. We’re all used to Noel obviously so it was a bit of a shock seeing you more glammed up than him I guess.”

“It doesn’t feel right. Should I just go and change. He spent ages but I feel like a tool. A whole bag of tools. I feel like a tool shed.”

Dave laughed and held out his arm for Mike to take, “Come on you, you can be my Vince Noir for the night, hmm? Where can we go pick up a trumpet? I’ll do Howard.”

“You are amazing, Dave, that’s what I can say this is!” Mike laughed and grabbed onto Dave’s arm, giving it a squeeze, a horrendous upsurge of butterflies took control of Dave’s organs. As Mike swung his arm, Dave caught the distinctive scent of Vodka, ah, so that’s how Noel had done it, poor little Mike.

“What do you like better, this look or my look?”

“Eh…” Dave wasn’t really sure how to answer that, Mike at the moment looked good enough to be thrown across reception and bummed silly, but he didn’t look like Mike, his Mike. His Mike looked sweet and geeky and shy, which is pretty much what Mike was like really; he could walk you through episodes of Red Dwarf and challenge you to hill rolling competitions but he couldn’t talk to girls and he hated interviews, if he had to he could stumble through, but he’d always say the wrong thing at some point.

“I don’t mind, you can say whatever.” Mike was chewing on the edge of his sleeve. Now he looked like his Mike. A lot. All sexed up but bricking it. Perfect.

“You look hot. But I’ll help you celebrate the return of your trainers tomorrow.” Dave grinned at him, Mike smiled back and ruffled through his hair.

It had never been so hard to talk to Mike for as long as Dave could remember, Dave stuck his hands into his jeans their eyes met as they walked side by side and they laughed nervously before falling back into silence, Dave’s eyes lingered over Mikes curls, noticing this, Mike ruffled them again.

“Its like…I got this shaders and toners bullshit in it, making it proper black, like a proper little mini me for Noel.” Mike laughed uncertainly.

“how’s it gone that curly?” Dave said, sounding stupid to his own ears but desperate for something to say.

“Noel just didn’t let me touch it while it was drying, usually its just towel dry comb though then out the door…Oh my God we’re talking about hair.” Mike widened his eyes and shook his head in mock horror, Dave mirrored the act.

“I know. I feel filthy.”

They laughed, not noticing the looks they were getting from Julian and Noel, too lost in laughter and a giddy sense of change that had settled over them.

Dave couldn’t remember the last time Mike had held onto his arm for so long, he had been drinking, and he was wearing stupid shoes, was that it? Was it something else? Mike had only seemed to care what Dave thought.

Or was he just letting his imagination run wild?

Dave didn’t like feeling unsure. About anything, it really wasn’t one of his characteristics, he liked to know exactly what the crack was, and what was going down, and he always knew how he felt about things. Always. But tonight it seemed his Chakra was out of whack.

He hated when that happened.

When they got to the club there was still a queue outside, as expected the crowd went wild over the appearance of Noel and Julian, they stopped for a minute to wave and sign things, Mike was about to walk straight in when Dave caught sight of a girl almost killing herself to grab his attention, he grabbed a hold of Mike and shoved him towards her.

“Um. Hi.”

“Oh my GOD! Mike! I love you! Well, in a fanish sense, not a stalkerish sense… Sign my t Shirt?”

“It’s a nice Shirt, you sure you want my scribble all over it?”

Dave listened to Mike’s interaction with the girl and smiled, he was even shy around devoted fans of his. Dave put his hand on the small of Mikes back, he hoped it helped, he wasn’t to know it made Mike more nervous.

“You’re all gothed up?”

“Yeah Noel did it, he has fun with us puppets.”

“Cool. You’ll go back to being Mike though, yeah?”

Dave could have kissed that girl. Genius, as Noel would have said.

Noel came wondering over, he grinned at the girl then turned to Dave and Mike, “We need to go in now.”

“Oh yeah sure. She doesn’t like what you’ve done to Mike.”

The girl blushed, “It’s not that I don’t like it, I just don’t think it’s very Mike is all.”

“Yeah well, he needed someone to notice him, catch you inside pervy Mike fancier.”

Someone to notice him?

The girl grinned, “Not if I catch you first, pervy Julian fancier.”

And she was off into the crowd, Dave and Mike laughed, Noel just grinned, a little set back and for once lost for words.

But… Someone to notice him?

“Right,” Rich, Matt and Julian wandered over to the group, “Lets get this party started!”

They gave one last wave to the crowd and turned to walk into the club, Noel linked arms with Mike and went strolling in with him, they had the same walk, when you put them together like that, the same swish of the hips and little bouncy steps. Dave and Julian watched them go in, both of them sighed at the same time. They swapped guilty little grins, and followed the Fielding brothers in.

“NOEL!” Dee did a running hug when she saw her boyfriend, Sue came bounding over as well, both of them geared up and ready to play, Sue looked Mike up and down, walked around him.

“Wow, Mike, that’s hot.”

Dave stared at Mike as he laughed uneasily and scratched the back of his neck, “Cheers.”

She beamed at him and he blushed, Mike blushed because of her. Dave watched as the boys were both dragged over to the bar, he saw Sue’s hand grab a hold of Mike’s wrist, watched as Noel whispered something in his girlfriend’s ear, Dee looked at Mike with surprise and then back to Noel, but Mike didn’t notice, he was too busy talking to Sue.

Sue. Sue broke up with Chris, Noel had told him about it at some point, he hadn’t really taken it on board. Mike looked a bit like… Just with that make up, and all the black...

Sue.

Right.

Dave had never had the pleasure of being hit by a bus, but he was pretty much certain that if it were ever to happen it would feel like this…

~~~

It was half past one, the girls had stopped playing, they were wondering about greeting their fans while the club DJ took over the decks. Matt, Julian and Rich had last been seen at the bar downing some ominous looking electric blue shots, Noel was whisked away by a group of girls around half an hour ago, he had looked at both Dee and Julian for assistance but had received none and presently Dave was sitting slumped outside of the club sheltered slightly in a door way with Mike, who was trying to have a smoke, but failing entirely to light it up properly, much to his own amusement.

Dave sighed and reached over to take the lighter off of Mike, he shielded the flame from the wind and eventually they got the cigarette lit.

“Thanks” Mike took in a deep draw, funny how Alcohol made you want to smoke so badly, Alcohol and cigarettes, the two went hand and hand. To be joined later by a donner kebab. Maybe that was just Dave.

It was cold now, the wind cutting through them, Mike shivered and tried to wrap the thin shirt more around himself, Dave went to shrug off his coat, but Mike grinned and shook his head.

“I’m not your girl, man.”

Dave smirked. No, he wasn’t. Actually Dave’s type of girl wouldn’t be wearing so much glitter, and she wouldn’t have been dim enough to leave without a coat, he didn’t say that though, he just moved so they could sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, penguin style.

Mike slumped a little onto Dave, he was wasted, he hadn’t meant to get so drunk, he had a feeling that it was to do with these pills he was taking, he was dead certain now, actually that the doctor had said to avoid alcohol while on them, but they’d opened up the mini bar in Noels room, drank mini Vodka bottles and halved a tobelerone.

Was that an international thing? There was always a tobelerone in the mini bars of hotels.

It was then he’d remembered the warning, but by then he’d had three miniatures and nothing bad had happened had it? Well… He got drunk a bit faster than usual, and he felt a little tired but that was it.

“Dave, Dave do you think they do Advocaat here?”

“Huh? Why? You want a snowball?”

Dave shifted so he could put an arm around Mikes shoulder, he couldn’t help it, he knew Mike liked Sue now, and he knew there was no need for him to torture himself like this, but in this little lane, on this doorstep, there was only Mike and him.

Maybe he could make believe for a little while?

“Yeah, yeah they’re amazing! Noel once drank a whole bottle of Advocaat when we were at a family party… I think I was about 7...he threw up all this banana custard looking stuff.”

“That… Is disgusting. Thank you Mike.” Dave laughed. The side door of the club opened, it was Noel, he must have gotten away from his legions somehow. Noel almost tripped over their legs, he shrieked, then shushed himself, as if he might attracts the attention of fans.

“What are you two berks doing down there?” Noel tutted, sitting down beside them, his fringe was sticking to his forehead, he must have been dancing, which explained why he wasn’t shivering from the cold.

“Smoking.”

“Making sure Mike doesn’t wander off.”

Noel grinned, “You drunk, Michael?”

“On a scale of one to ten, he’s about a forty six.” Dave grinned, shaking Mike so he’s sit up a little straighter.

“Dave, Dave I love you.” Mike was attempting to take a draw of his cigarette but he kept laughing unable to, Dave smiled but it didn’t quite meet his eyes, ouch, lovey-dovey drunk time, when you’re in love with total strangers and your best mate is your soul mate. Brace yourself Brown.

“I love you too, man.” he says back, not meeting Mikes eyes, he can’t, what if Mike looks into him and sees how he means it?

“Nah, I like, I like really love you, I love you more than I love…” Mike cuts off, frowning, trying to think of something he really, really loves, it’s hard actually, there’s not many things that come close to Dave, “Than I love crisps…”

“Oh right, must be serious then, thanks man.” Dave shared a grin with Noel, who was looking a little nervous, scared of fan girl attacks Dave supposed. Getting to his feet, he held out his hands for Mike to grab, they should head back in, it was freezing out here, even Noel was starting to shiver, finally cooled down.

Mike stubs out and pushes the butt down a crack in the pavement, he can feel Noels glare, Noel Fielding- Eco Warrior, that’s a laugh. He takes Dave’s hands and his head spins and he gets pulled up too fast, alright, so he may be a little more drunk than he first thought.

“I really do love you, I didn’t think I’d properly loved anyone but Noel says that if it-”

Noel catches him, literally as he staggers and figuratively before he can go on to describe to Dave what love is, Dave is frowning at him, confused or concerned he cant work out which it is, he laughs, and tries to wipe his hair out of his eyes before he realizes its not his hair in his eyes that makes his vision blurry, it’s a thin layer of glitter that’s migrating all over his face.

“Alright Mate, come with me Mike, yeah? We’ll get some water,“ Noel holds Mike close, in a hug, and whispers in his ear, “youaremakingafooloutofyourself.”

Mike either doesn‘t hear him or doesn’t care, he whispers back “I don’t want water though, I want to tell-”

Noel could strangle his brother sometimes, he’s the least tactile person Noel has ever met, and Noel knows Rich Fulcher. He turns his head so he can look Mike in the eyes, trying to get his point across.

“Not like this you don’t. come on we’ll go get a drink and if you still want to say then you can,” turning back to Dave who is looking at them both in a bewildered stare of confusion, Noel feels for him suddenly, how easy it would be if playground politics still ruled all, ’my mate really fancies you so eh, how about it?’ “SORRY Dave, lightweights eh?”

Mike frowns and shakes his head, he’ll put up with a lot of things but not getting called a lightweight, he’s worked long and hard at being able to take more liquor than Noel.

“I’m not a lightweight it’s my pills.”

“What?”

Mike digs around in the pocket of his jeans, and pulls out a little white box, he shows the instructions to Noel, “Look, it clearly says on the packet that you should ‘Avoid Alcohol.’…”

Noels eyes widen as he grabs the packet, “Mike!”

“What? I WAS avoiding it! It just found me is all, that’s not my fault, very persistent, that alcohol…” Mike grins, looking at the floor feeling foolish but not ashamed, he stumbles a bit again, even though he’s just standing still, it’s going to be an interesting night.

“Mum is going to kill me!” Noel holds onto Mikes shoulders and tries to look into his eyes to see if his pupils have dilated at all.

Mike looked back at Noel in confusion, “Nah Noel, she’s not here…”

“I’m going to have to call her.” Noel ran a hand through his hair, stressing out, Mikes eyes widened and he grabs Noel at the waist, shaking his head.

“NO! No don’t do that! I’ll be good, I’ll be good, water yeah? I’ll drink some water!” Mike pulls Noel by his t shirt back into the bar, When they get back into the club Noel sits him down by their jackets and bags at the table they’ve had all night, Dave and Noel swap worried glances as Mikes head drops onto the table.

“Call NHS 24/7, ask them.” Dave suggests, Noel looks a little relieved at the thought of not having to call their mother in the early morning.

“Right. Right yeah, they’ll be able to tell me,” Noel leaned down so he could speak in Mikes ear, he scraped Mikes hair back off of his face to reveal one glittery eye, Noel was trying hard not to over react, but he’d never seen his baby brother like this, wasted? Yes. Sleepy? Yes. Never at the same time, “Mike you stay with Dave and for the love of God don’t try and talk to him, ok?”

“Ok…” He couldn’t see Mikes mouth but new he was smiling when it reached his eyes, “Noel, your eyes are all sparkly.”

“Yeah, Dee got me with glitter…” Noel stood up, better to leave Mike with Dee when he was like this, so he didn’t tell Dave his big gay confession, not in this state anyway. “Actually that’s not a bad idea, Dee! Delia!”

She turned where she had been dancing with Sue and Rich and came bounding over, grinning, her smile faded however as she caught sight of Mike.

“Yeah?”

“Can you please stay with Mike while me and Dave go make a call, and try and make sure he’s not a total fool.” He raised his eyebrows at her then gave a quick look at Dave, he’d told her earlier what was going on… Which wasn’t betraying Mike really… as he and Dee counted as the same person… right? “Come on Dave.”

Dee shuffled along the bench to sit next to Mike, she pulled him gently by the shoulders so he was sitting upright again. His eyes had lost focus, she snapped her fingers a couple of times before he noticed her and he smiled when he did, managing to throw and arm around her shoulders, she did the same, if only to stop him from falling over again.

“Hello Delia.” She heard him mutter, she smiled a little, eye’s glittering, ah she did enjoy a wasted Mike, he could be a lot of fun, if she could wake him up a bit.

“Hello Michael.”

she saw a half full can of red bull on the table, she picked it up with her free hand, had a sniff, no booze in it, maybe a lil of the ole date rape though. Her mother’s warning came back to her ‘never drink anything that’s been left on it’s own!’.

However, Mike had most likely taken a lot worse in his day… He might enjoy it if it was spiked… she would. She took a gulp herself then pressed the can to his mouth, tipping them both back a little so he could drink. It was going so well until he started to laugh, she laughed too as they both got covered with the sticky energy drink.

He wiggled about in the booth, sticking his feet on the seat and leaned his head on her shoulder, her arm still around his shoulder. He took her hand in his, interlinking their fingers, and took a few more sips of the red bull can.

“You’ve got a nice shoulder.” He said, a little matter-of-factly, and she grinned, watching the dance floor as Sue and Rich attempted to incorporate RiD and Bob Fossil moves with, surprisingly, some good results.

“Do I? That’s good.”

“Did you have fun singing?” He looks up, trying to look at her but only succeeds at staring at the ceiling of the booth.

“Yeah. Did you have fun dancing?”

He nods on the shoulder. “Uh huh. But I keep forgetting that I’m all done up until I catch someone looking at me and then I want to hide.”

Mike throws his other arm over his face to emphasise his point, sending the can flying, they burst out laughing as it disappears off into the distance, Mike sits up, clutching his stomach, Oh the laughter of the clinically drunk.

“Aww.” Dee pulls him into a hug, and kisses his left temple hard, Mike has to shut one eye, “You look good though. Well, you did, now you look wasted.” She laughs, Mike swears at her by scratching his nose with his middle finger, childish but always amusing, she swears back, by leaning on the table and holding the v sign up by her cheek, they laugh again but then Mike bites his lip, and looks a little sad.

“It was for Dave.”

“What?” She’s not sure how to react to this, having already been told by Noel, but Mike doesn’t know this… however Mike’s probably too gloriously drunk to care just now.

“It was for Dave.”

“Yeah? That’s cool.” Yeah, why wouldn’t she be that cool about finding out that… oh who was she kidding? She’d be squealing like a fan girl, just like she was earlier in the bathroom with Sue. “Do you think he liked it?”

“I dunno.” Mike was frowning, tracing a shape on spilled liquid on the table top, “He said it was different. I dunno what different means. Noel’s different and people like him…but Gary Glitter was different too and people weren’t so keen.”

“Ha-ha, I like you when you’re drunk, Mike.” Dee shakes her head, grabs him into another hug… she might be a little worse for wears herself by now actually.

“I like you in general.” Mike hugs back, “But not as much as Dave.”

“That’s ok.” Dee can’t help but grin, it’s too cute really. Se remembers how that annoys Noel, when she say’s boy couples are cute, ‘There’s nothing “cute” about bumming, Delia.’ She begs to differ.

“Do you think I could maybe just go home? Will you tell Noel?”

“I think you should maybe wait until he gets back ok, then I’ll take you to my hotel, we’re having an after party, so you can wake up for that, ok?” She kisses him on the forehead, and tries to get Mike to settle down again.

“Ok. Dee, do you think I should tell Dave I like him?”

“I think that maybe you should wait and sober up first, but yeah, go for it. Your brother was off his tits when he asked me out first time, so I didn’t believe him, you don’t want that to happen.” She smiled at the memory, she thought it had been a wind up as she’d liked him for so long and it was only after so many people found out that he asked.

“I think you’re really cool,” Mike sighed, “I dunno why he messes you about so much.”

Dee felt the colour drain from her face, she knew it was coming of course, she could never have a conversation with Mike without it coming up, she just didn’t want to hear it, pretend it wasn’t happening. But Mike, Mike always wanted to check up on her.

“It’s an open relationship now, Mike.”

“Yeah it is on his side, but-”

“Mike, shush. It’s ok, I’m ok with it. Really. Really I am.” No she wasn’t, well… She was but…

“No you’re not. Neither is Julian.”

She found she had a bitter taste at the back of her throat, oh yes, poor Julian, with his beautiful kiddies and loving woman, “Well I think that Julian should just wake up and realize he’s got babies now, if he’s that fussed.” Mike wriggled a bit, perhaps an attempt to get away from angry Dee, she softened a little, “Sorry Mike.”

Mike sighed, and settled down again.

“Poor Dee and Ju.”

“Shh, Mike. It’s ok.”

“I wouldn’t.” Mike said suddenly, Dee frowned at him, “Wouldn’t cheat on you I mean, I’ve never seen the point in it. You either want to be with someone, or you don’t.”

Dee rolled her eyes. “It’s a little more complicated than that, Mike.”

Mike laughed a little cynically, “No it’s not. Everyone always says that but it’s really not. You want to sleep around then sleep around, but don’t drag someone else along for the ride, s’not fair, like, if you were my girlfriend I’d marry you and we’d have babies-”

“-Very short babies-” Dee Laughed, Mike joined in.

“-Tiny even, and I’d get us a big house and take you on holidays to Venice and stuff and make sure you knew you were special every single day. And NOT shag Julian Barrett.“

Dee felt the biggest rush of love for him, like drinking down a glass of vodka all in one, burning and overwhelming, “You are too cute sometimes. Maybe I went for the wrong Fielding brother?”

It was a joke. They both knew it was a joke. Three years ago though, it hadn’t been a joke at all. A house party, a bottle of Morgan’s spiced and some well placed fairy lights. The only two who had been able to climb up a tree in the garden, left on their own to talk under twinkling lights…

“Course you did. But it’s too late now, cause you’re in love with that disco ball and I’m in love with a man who makes his primary living dressed as a monkey.”

“You’ll always be the one that got away, Mike.”

They grinned at each other, ignoring the underlying truth, they had to, don’t screw this one up too, Delia…

Noel and Dave surprised them as they came back over, Dee and Mike jumped, out of reflex rather than guilt. They had nothing to feel guilty about.

“Alright, so the Doctors say you’ll be fine but I can’t let you fall asleep and tomorrow you’re going to feel like Hell.” Noel ruffled his brother’s hair and Mike grinned sheepishly back.

“He was almost asleep now…” Dee chews on her hair a little nervously, both Noel and Dee looking at him in the same way, Mike roll’s his eyes and tries to grin at Dave, Dave pointedly look’s away and Mike frowns.

“Oh dear. Mike I’m going to get you some red bull ok?” Noel nudges him and Mike nods, still looking at Dave.

“Yeah.”

Dee slipped out of the seat beside Mike and takes Noel’s hand, leading him away from his brother who he’s still looking at with concern, he lets himself be lead though and they get over to the packed bar.

Dave eventually look’s at Mike, who smiles a little shyly back at him, unsure what he’s done to deserve such a look. Dave sat down heavily beside him.

“Alright Mikey boy?”

“Hi Dave. This is all a bit stupid, huh?” Is that what that look was for? Cause he’s gotten so wasted, and Dave hasn’t?

“Yeah, trust you.” Dave sniffed loudly, he looked as though he wanted to say something but couldn’t, Dave shook his head and Mike swallowed nervously, he didn’t know why he was nervous so suddenly, Dave looked at him then, a furious look, which made him recoil slightly, “Having fun flirting with Dee?”

Mike looked at Dave in confusion, his brow furrowing “What?”

“Dee. You and Her, having fun? A bit low man, that’s your brothers girl. But I suppose now you do look like a miniature version of him maybe Dee got confused.” Dave has this twisted little smile on his face, Mike’s never seen it before, what’s wrong with him.

Standing up for Noel, that’s it, he thinks you’re putting a move on Dee.

Mike laughs and shakes his head, Dave‘s mood darkens, “Dave you’ve gone wrong… I don’t… It’s not Dee-”

“Well yeah I suppose Sue is cute but she lives quite far away now, perhaps you could try and go for the RiD three way?”

“DAVE!” Mike’s eyes widen in shock while Dave’s glint in anger, Mike isn’t to know that Dave’s spent the last half an hour listening to a frantic Noel talk to the N.H.S and watching Dee and Mike hug and snuggle and kiss all the while thinking that he’s never looked better, and he’s never been more available, and was he hinting at something earlier? No. He wasn’t he was being a slut.

“You know I didn’t think you could change so quickly Mike, thought you were a decent guy, thought you might have tried to avoid going down this path after seeing how fucked up it’s got your brother.”

Mike sat straight up suddenly, not liking what Dave was saying about Noel, “You watch what you’re saying!”

Dave leaned forward so he was inches apart from Mike’s face, cold blue eyes looking into furious brown, “Why don’t you just go the whole hog Mike, and start fucking Julian too.”

Mike didn’t react for a couple of seconds, Dave watched a range of emotions flicker through his eyes before they settled on hurt. Mike pushed the table forward and got to his feet, grabbing his jacket, Dave reached out and grabbed his arm and Mike threw him off roughly.

“Oh fuck off Dave, Stop talking out of your arse you’ve got no idea!”

Dave watched Mike as he stormed of towards Noel and Dee, he shut his eyes as the enormity of what he’d just done washed over him.

End

#the mighty boosh #mighty boosh #boosh #mike fielding/dave brown #mike fielding #dave brown #mike/dave #rps #real person fic #noel fielding #julian barratt #dee plume #sue denim #dee plume/noel fielding