#it's probably not a smart idea cause it'll still mess w/ my head trick me into thinkin i can trust him but...everything's too fucking much

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

N I guess it's cause of him bein how we try to make sense of whatever happened that thinkin about it makes me wanna run back to him

#also maybe. him so we don't ever feel that way abt who it was back then #cause no matter what he does to me it's still safer cause it's only inside our head #n it shouldn't even be smth that needs sayin cause it's puttin the bar so fucking low but #he's also just. better than whoever it was. cause he'd never put his hands on a fucking kid. it's the only hard line he draws for himself #or i mean it doesn't even need drawin he's disgusted by just the thought. the way y'know any normal decent person would be #n i know it rly fucks w/ him that he's introjected stuff from someone like that #he just tries to ignore it n leans into the source stuff instead #so w/ the way i feel scared right now....he feels like someone safe. i know he's not rly but. #it's.....the attention. the approval. the doin what i feel i should be doin but for him instead of the person who hurt us irl #my head hurts #i think maybe for tonight he'll protect me. cause he doesn't wanna be compared to that person ever. so i think he wouldn't do anything rn #it's probably not a smart idea cause it'll still mess w/ my head trick me into thinkin i can trust him but...everything's too fucking much #n i feel like i need to make sure i'm right about him. that just knowing who's role he'd be playin will make him not wanna do anything #i need to know #spdrvent