#it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nothorses · 2 years

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Hi, I'm an MTF in their late 20s. I've had a fairly difficult time accessing and sustaining medical transition over the past decade since I've realised and I don't feel comfortable even using she/her for myself anymore.

I really appreciated the Baeddel posts you've made and I wasn't aware of them at the time. However I fell quite heavily into Tumblr SJW and then irl radical queer activism in my late teens to mid-20s. In those environments I ultimately developed a genuine paranoia about being found out as a 'bad person', losing all of my friends, being ostracised from my limited support network etc.

I ultimately experienced sexual assault by several cis women while I was presenting as a man. I found myself feeling completely isolated and bereft of comfort. I didn't feel able to reach out for help without having to prove my social justice bona fides (outing myself as trans) and reinterpreting it through the lens of it being transphobia (which it could not have been).

In the end I fell out of social justice spaces, towards dirtbag leftist type environments. However, ultimately I've found myself attracted to moderate anti-SJW, edgelordy sort of anti-idpol leftism. In the end I've disconnected from everything, because whatever merits I might perceive in any specific argument or cause, I'm more concerned about my pattern of being drawn to extremist ideologies and activism.

Basically I've reached a crisis point in my transition, finally being able to access HRT in non-DIY fashion. It's thrown me for a loop, as someone living in the male-mode* for so long. I feel the need to reach out for support but also fear of doing so.

The trans support groups and spaces I know don't want to relate to me as someone who has experienced trauma as a male. Who is living with the dual burden of the problems of being a trans woman with the social isolation and coping skills of a cis man. I am also autistic, and I've found there's a fairly narrow range of acceptable autism'ss in those spaces. Autism of the species that makes you meek or cute is more welcome. That which makes you pedantic or firm in our beliefs not so much. Which makes us think or behave differently or worst of all commit faux-pas or missteps whole socialising. There is seemingly little tolerance for that (in the end, tolerating a slightly difficult person, admittedly).

Anyway, I'm grateful for what you've written on the topic of men's problems and the tendency of feminist and 'queer'** activism to ignore that suffering. I appreciate it as a possible trans woman, intensely dysphoric person who also had to suffer the isolation, emotional brutality and self-denial that comes with growing up a boy in a tough environment.

*a withered, grey version of living as a cisgender man, covering my body, avoiding intimacy, avoiding making new social contacts out guilt for the deception, of sleepwalking through life.

**after my irl experience of radical queer activism, I run away from the term.

Hey, I really appreciate you reaching out. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I'm so sorry you haven't been given the understanding, acceptance, and community you need and deserve.

I think everyone has stuff in them that draws them toward extremist ideology; that's why it is what it is, and why it works. It's not that there's something wrong with you as a person- it is, in all likelihood, just that you're isolated and in desperate need of community. That's the target demographic for extremist recruiting, because those are the qualities that make someone recruitable. The solution to that is to find healthy support and community somewhere else.

The fact that you're aware of this pattern & acting on it- and even more than that, have managed to get away from multiple extremist groups- that shows a lot of awareness and strength, and a lot of hope for you. You're gonna be okay.

There are people- lots of people- who have had similar experiences, and felt similar ways, and who need similar support and understanding. There are even more people who, despite not experiencing those things firsthand, are open-minded, understanding, and accepting; and who will listen to you & gladly welcome you into their lives and communities. I know it's scary to open yourself up and put effort into finding and connecting with them, but they are out there. You'll find them if you keep trying.

I really recommend checking out this article by someone who, it sounds like, was in a similar situation to the one you're in now.

You're always welcome here, and I hope you can find the support and community you deserve.

Good luck! 💙

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festeringneondistraction · 1 year

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Oh how I wish I was stupid but happy.

One of the only good things I can confidently say about myself is that i'm not stupid. Dare I say I think i'm pretty intelligent. Obviously I understand the value of that. But as someone who spends every second of my life in my brain seemingly endless spiraling and looping thoughts I can't help to wonder what it feels like to not know shit.

I intend to write a poem on this at some point but im just so overwhelmed by the world and my own brain.

I have an incredibly deep and rich interworld. I know that sounds like a fun and good thing and generally it is, but dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, sleep problems and looping thoughts aren't. This makes me incredibly perceptive. I have an excellent long term memory. It makes me very imaginative and creative. Its what makes me an artist.

The imposter syndrome is incredibly intense. Even now typing all this out all my brain can say is "shut up you sound like a fucking fake deep 12 year old nobody gives a shit stupid bitch". And that's the nice version :),

I feel like a supercomputer sometimes. and i don't even mean that to mea intelligence i mean that i'm CONSTANTLY processing EVERYTHING because autism and every single thought is just poured into my brain at crazy speed. Its part of the reason I think I have OCD i just obsess and over analyse every single tiny thing and that extends to my own brain and my own though patterning. I write a lot. (wow shocker we had no idea Shade!!) I also talk a lot irl. like a lot. Probably not in the way you are thinking though. I over explain to everyone yes but I only really talk much if im comfortable and unmasked. My mask is pretty shy, I have this internal expectation that when im masking I need to remain 100% polite and professional at all times or else im the worst and then here comes the intrusive thoughts.

Im utterly obsessed with trying to figure out my own brain. Thats why its kind of insulting when people shit on self diagnosis. I understand personal bias is a thing but I don't think that my quite literal 100s if not 1000s of hours of research and self reflection compares to your little interview.

I've also said before that I sort of tried to "research the autism away". My trauma and internalised ableism thought that if I could understand every part of human psychology, studied every mannerism, if i could just take in every bit of information I could then and only then will I be safe and accepted. Part of me still believes this subconsciously. Not to mention that my intelligence was one of the only things I remember being consistent praised and encouraged. Later once I was diagnosed and into now I put so much energy into researching and understanding autism and my own brain. And that's a good thing!! But obsessing to the degree that I do isn't really healthy, and it comes from a place of trauma.

I've been filling up journals on my own accord since I was 9. Before that I would dive head first into every bit of writing. If the thoughts are out of my head and splayed out in paper they can't hurt me anymore. Hence this blogs existence. The reason its not private is simply because i'm lonely and seek validation :)

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the-sapphire-general · 6 years

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My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 3)

Well I did say I would make a third part if I had more in mind about Sephiroth. And much to my surprise, there is more! So here it is! Parts 1 and 2 can be found here so you can keep up just in case I mention anything from those posts:

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

Now this one will be a little different because I will include more about the portrayals I've seen throughout the Internet, my own opinions about them, and my own portrayal. Plus I will include the essay I wrote about him for one of my college courses and I might say random things about Sephiroth that I will discuss.

First will be the portrayals of Sephiroth I have noticed throughout the Internet. I will not attack any of these or offend anyone who has these headcanons. I respect everybody's headcanons, and it's a good thing too because being a jerk to anyone who has portrayals that are different from yours is stupid and a waste of time. I have friends whose portrayals are varied, and we don't fight over how Sephiroth should act. Love them, hate them, be neutral to them, just as long as you handle this in a mature manner.

Now I have mentioned the portrayal of Sephiroth where he's unnaturally hypersexual in part 1, so I will not go into detail about it anymore. It's already been done. Another one I will not discuss again is the mindless killing machine portrayal (mentioned in part 2). To those who do or like these portrayals, I dislike them but I will respect your choice.

Now for the portrayals. The ones I really enjoy are the ones for his Crisis Core self (or pre-Nibelheim if you want to put it that way). As I have stated before, I can relate to his past personality, so I really like a lot of the headcanons. Picturing him, say, struggling to socialize, not knowing much of certain things (i.e. video games), spending time with friends, basically being human is heartwarming for me. I take it a lot of people like CC Sephiroth, and who wouldn't? There was this one story where Sephiroth took a liking to lemon drops, which is one thing I added to my own headcanon page on my blog. I found it rather sweet and cute. That's like me but with chocolate. I love chocolate. And then there's one where he has no idea what a sitcom is due to his sheltered upbringing, and it was pretty amusing to picture Genesis and Angeal trying to explain it to him as they watched TV. There are many others that I don't think I can list since there are so many of them, and for a lot of them, I like them. There's some that I don't, but that's just my personal opinion.

Now for the Sephiroth we all know after the Nibelheim Incident. Man, I'm beginning to remember what I've read. It's hard for me to find some portrayals that I like because the ones I've seen so far were unsettling. Sephiroth being a sadistic rapist is one of the worst ones I've seen so far. Not as in the stories are poorly written or something like that but for me, it's one of my least favorite portrayals. I get that he lost his mind, but I believe he wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't go that far with my own portrayal because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me uneasy.

I confess that I don't know my limits when it comes to portraying Sephiroth. For a long time, I've been trying to grasp his evil demeanor and I still hesitate to go further and struggle to get inside his head sometimes. So I don't know how far I can go with dark, twisted, cruel scenarios, but rape is one of my limits. I won't reveal the user, but I was recently asked if I could do necrophilia. When I got the question, I was speechless. That's another one of my limits. I really can't imagine Sephiroth being...intimate with a corpse. Much to my relief, they respected my opinion. And I like that. People should respect others because everyone has limits and if I have to force myself to write Sephiroth doing rape, acting all creepily intimate around Jenova, asphyxiation (as in the kink), or something that I don't see him doing, I won't enjoy the roleplays at all. I used to wish I could please everybody, but that's an impossible goal and I should keep in mind about what I want and don't want to do. Again, I don't know my limits too well, so if anyone wants to RP with me on my Sephiroth blog and it involves something that you're not sure if I accept or not, please message me. I'll try to get out of my comfort zone, but please respect my limits. If I don't do certain things, there are other Sephiroth blogs out there. It's simple and it will prevent pointless drama.

My portrayal for Sephiroth is close to his canon self but mixed with his CC side and my own headcanons. I try to stay close to canon as I write, and I silently read what I wrote and then read it out loud while picturing Sephiroth saying it. If what I wrote doesn't work, I revise them until they sound like Sephiroth. It's still not easy because I'm still struggling with his dark, insane, cruel self, the villain everyone knows and loves. One thing is certain is I do try my best to make him more human but still maintaining his character. I can't make him too human or else that ruins his cold and distant qualities, like making him fall madly in love with someone or bawling his eyes out. Now I haven't seen these examples anywhere, so I'm just throwing in random hypothetical headcanons here. The point is I do try my best not to make him too kind, soft, patient, you know, real nice or else that's not really Sephiroth. Lol But I also don't make him relentlessly cruel to the max 24/7. Both extremes aren't portrayals I like, so I am tackling middle ground. It's possible, and if others don't like my portrayal, that's fine, but they shouldn't judge me for it.

Since I'm discussing my own portrayal, I might as well explain other things about it. Let's see, he has interests outside of trying to destroy/conquer the world and messing with Cloud. My character is a loyal follower. Her profile isn't on my blog but her name is Maybelle Rose, and she's Sephiroth's love interest. Speaking of this, I make Sephiroth a bit of a Tsundere towards others, not necessarily involving romance like with Maybelle. He doesn't act like a stereotypical Tsundere, but he's a very, very subtle version.

Romance. Now this is something that might piss off so many, but I can picture him in a relationship. No, I'm not talking about Crisis Core Sephiroth. I mean post-CC. Say what you want, but I can see it. If done well, it can work. I don't like following the stereotype that villains are incapable of love. Some villains can truly be incapable of love, but not ALL villains. It's not mandatory. A friend of mine claims that Sephiroth is bland. Now I completely disagree with his opinion, but it did give me confidence in pursing romance regarding Sephiroth. Heroes are written as human beings, why not do the same for villains? That's what makes characters compelling, it makes them real. That's what I'm basically trying to do with Sephiroth, and as challenging as it may be at times and despite people probably going against this idea as they read this, I'll do it. My blog now allows shippings. Yes, I now accept shippings. I used to not accept them, but I changed my mind. My reasons are shown in my rant here:

Sephiroth Fandom Rant

Okay I know I said I wouldn't mention the hypersexual Sephiroth portrayal, but I might as well. If he were in a romantic relationship, he wouldn't be like that. Sephiroth doesn't get horny around everyone. Seriously, he's not a sex-obsessed maniac. Sephiroth is a private man with dignity and he would never act extremely sexual, let alone sexual in general. He would be intimate with his significant other, but it would be in a normal level and he would be intimate in private. And I must add that my portrayal does involve Sephiroth having kinks, but he's not sex-obsessed like I said. He has self-control and he keeps things private.

Now for the next thing. I wrote this essay over two years ago, and apparently I kept it after all this time. Lol Yes I wrote an essay about Sephiroth, back when I was still somewhat of a new fan. The assignment was to do a paper on a criminal, real or fictional, and diagnose them with specific personality disorders. However, it didn't mean that they HAD to have any of these disorders. We just had to show the instructor that we understood the material we have learned during class. Take a look at my essay here:

Essay on Sephiroth

Fun fact: My other choice for this assignment was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. XD But Sephiroth was a better candidate and I was able to write more about him than I could have ever done about Gaston. Schizoid Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder were two of the ten types of personality disorders that came close to Sephiroth's behavior. I don't consider either of these disorders as my personal headcanons for him. I honestly never did despite Schizoid PD being pretty close. And much to my shock, my instructor liked my paper and I wound up getting an A! I never got an A on any papers, so it felt amazing to finally get a grade that was higher than a C.

Speaking of psychology, one headcanon that's somewhere online is that Sephiroth has autism. Well, it is possible because I have a friend who is autistic, but during my research on this condition, I don't see Sephiroth as autistic. Sure some of his traits do seem to resemble signs and symptoms, but speculation isn't considered a confirmation that he has autism. He might have it but I would rather have Square Enix confirm it if he really is autistic. On another note, I do understand why they headcanon him as autistic. They relate to Sephiroth because some of his traits remind them of themselves. I get that and if they think he's autistic, that's okay with me. This headcanon is also given to Papyrus from Undertale and Pearl and Peridot from Steven Universe, so I'm familiar with this. Even L from Death Note is believed to be autistic. To be honest, I kind of believe it regarding L. That's just my opinion, though.

Tangent aside, courtesy of a friend, I am more intrigued by Sephiroth in a new level. Aside from his appearance and personality, his intelligence, the way he thinks has me curious. Yes I have been trying to get into his head to improve my portrayal, and I think I found a strategy. If I want to portray and act like Sephiroth, I have to think like him...in less destructive ways, might I add. Lol I may not be an expert as Sephiroth yet, but I'll get there. I've come this far on my blog, and I'm not throwing it all away.

Speaking of my Sephiroth blog, besides that it would be fun and such, I created my own blog because I wanted to express my passion for him. He's one of my role models that made me stronger and I just really admire him. And like I said, I knew I could connect with other fans. Sure, there's a toxic side of the fandom, but that won't stop me. I did feel offended several days ago, as mentioned in my rant, but I'm fine now. In addition to my reasons, I didn't start the blog for fame. Popularity isn't really a big deal for me, I just want to show everyone how much of a Sephiroth fan I am in creative ways. Besides, I found the thought of portraying Sephiroth a fun challenge considering he's my opposite, and he pretty much started my fascination for villains. I also made friends thanks to the blog, one of them being my best friend here on Tumblr. :)

Now to finish this post with one more thing. When I was still a new Sephiroth fan, I confess that I tried to redeem him. Of course it was a difficult task to do for a story, and I admit I was determined to do it. However, as I kept going, I slowly realized doing this implied I didn't like him the way he is, the villain he is widely known as instead of what he used to be before discovering his origins. So I drifted away from redemption and focused on Sephiroth on who he is without changing him. Today, I love Sephiroth for who he is, cruel, cold, calculating, everything. Why change a character you're supposed to love? You wouldn't do that to a real-life partner, or anyone in general. Sephiroth wouldn't have liked me for trying to make him turn a new leaf. Lol So I never pursued redemption for him again. It was too hard anyway. It's like trying to redeem the Joker! That's how hard it was for me. So screw that mind-numbing task, Sephiroth should remain as the badass villain I have grown to love.

Well, this is it. For real this time! Lol This is my final part of the "My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth" posts. I said everything I had to say about Sephiroth as I included all my thoughts, feelings, etcetera. I'm out of things to say about him, so no fourth post! XD If I ever have more Sephiroth-related comments that comes to mind, I'll just make small posts. Will I make more long posts like these? Perhaps. I had fun writing these posts. Maybe I can tackle other topics, or maybe talk about another character in detail. Well, see ya!

#sephiroth #final fantasy 7 #part 3

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