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#it looks so dumb i need to buy and wear it in every playthrough
umilily · 7 months
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Lily help some of my friends and I have been playing Stardew Valley as Crazy:B and I ended up as HiMERU but I'm starting to relate to that identity thief blueberry
omg that sounds so fun!! i hope you've been growing loads of blueberries, got some blue chickens and made himeru wear the silliest hat you could get your hands on lol
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Another Stay Heart [Chapter 2] [Platonic AH OT6]
Title: Another Stray Heart
Pairing: Friendship AH OT6
Rating: K+
Genre: AU/General
Words: 2789
Prompt/Summary: The world can be a cruel place, for some more than others. This is the story of how six very different kids came together to face the troubles of everyday life. This is the story of how six kids found belonging within one another.
A/N: Chapter 2 is here! Sorry for the long wait! ~No One
“Holy shit, Geoff. You look terrible.”
Geoff simply grunted in response, keeping his head low as he passed through the hallway. His normally bright blue eyes were dull, even more lidded-over than they usually were. “Thanks, asshole. You’d look like shit too if your grandmother was even half as psychotic as my mom is.”
“What did she do now?” Jack tilted his head. “I mean, messy office aside. Do you need to crash at my place for a few days to get away from her?”
“I don’t know anymore, dude.” Geoff sighed heavily. “My mom has been dumb as dicks lately, and I just don’t know how to handle it. Last night when she got home from her friend’s house, she just started breaking things. She grabbed whatever she could reach from the moment she walked in the door and just started throwing it at the walls and on the floor. My stepfather tried calming her down, but she chased him out. He hasn’t been home since.”
The slightly scruffy male shook his head. He knew things were getting bad, but this was a new low. “Are you okay? I mean, did she hurt you at all?”
“Well, I mean… Here, I’ll show you.” Looking around to make sure no teachers were in sight, Geoff pulled Jack into the private bathroom and locked the door. Setting his things down, he took off his black t-shirt, revealing a fresh, poorly-bandaged wound on his shoulder. “To be fair, I don’t think she actually meant to hit me with the bottle she threw. I think she was just trying to scare me upstairs.”
Jack’s eyes widened. The white bandages were stained a dark red, though it looked dry. “Geoff, you have to tell someone about this. Your mom could kill herself or you at the rate she’s going now!”
Geoff shook his head quickly. “I can’t do it, Jack. She’s psycho, but she’s still my mom. And I don’t want my stepdad to get mad at me for turning her in. He may be getting the abuse too, but he loves her. And I do too.”
Though Jack so desperately wanted to shake some sense into Geoff, he knew he wouldn’t be able to, so he temporarily gave up. “I understand. It’s hard. But if you want to get out for a few days, my door is always open.”
“Dude, you have no idea how happy I am right now.”
--
As Michael woke the next morning to a rain-soaked landscape, he silently thanked himself for accepting Ray’s offer the night before. Though the day was clear now, and the moisture would soon be dried, the relentless rain would have soaked the poor child to the bone. Not to mention he was now able to avoid an awkward conversation with the principal, who already had suspicions about Michael’s situation. But he pushed the darker thoughts aside as he hopped off the bus, Ray following closely behind.
“The Halo tournament we had last night was awesome!” Ray bragged, pushing past a few bigger kids to keep up with Michael.
“Yeah, for you maybe.” Michael huffed in slight annoyance, but Ray could sense the underlying tone of teasing. “You beat me every. Single. Round.” The redhead let out a large yawn. “And it was really late when we got to bed!”
Ray shrugged and ducked into the library, sneaking into the corner where he’d meet Michael every morning. “Sorry. Mama didn’t come home last night and tell me to go to bed like she usually does. She must’ve been busy.”
“You’re a dummy, Ray. You know that?” Michael sat down on the floor next to his friend, silently thankful that the librarian hadn’t arrived to kick them out yet. He spaced out into his own thoughts, blocking out Ray’s continued gloating about their Halo playthrough. He hadn’t had such a good night in a long time, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to give it up so soon. “Hey, Ray?”
“-and then I-” Ray stopped at Michael’s interruption, and then laughed. “Oh, sorry. Got carried away. What is it?”
The redhead offered him a sheepish smile. “I don’t like asking, but do you want company again tonight? If I was too much trouble last night, I understand.”
Ray’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. “You’re never any trouble. There’s always room at my house for you!”
“Thank you, that’s-”
“Boys! Get to the playground or the cafeteria with the rest of the students!”
Jumping at the sound of the Librarian’s voice, they both stood quickly and scrambled to the door, plunging themselves into the warm and sticky Austin morning.
--
Ryan had never been more grateful for the rain; after his dumpster dive, he had been left smelling rather unpleasant, and the rain had helped wash it away. Though his set of clothes would be worse for wear, he set them at the bottom of his bag and changed into some cleaner ones. He was currently sat on a swing on the older side of the playground, watching the other kids play. Through the corner of his eye, he saw the kid he helped the previous night run out into the playground with his friend, and was glad to see that the curly-haired boy was doing okay. I should go say hi, but I did just leave without warning. He probably won’t want to talk to me.
Ryan’s attention was soon forced from his thoughts when he heard a commotion by the door. He couldn’t see well from where he was sitting; just a group of older kids a fair distance away, all standing around something. Upon further investigation, which required him to get off the swing and sneak closer, he saw that the older kids were surrounding a younger kid. The kid didn’t look any older than nine or ten. Deciding that he wanted to see what was going on, Ryan remained in the background, keeping himself neutral for the time being.
“Please, just give it back…” the child pleaded.
“Aww, wittle Gavvy-wavvy wants his pwecious kitty plush back,” one of the kids teased. Ryan recognized the voice. Joel Heyman. “Why don’t you just get mommy and daddy to buy you another one?”
The kid, who Ryan now knew as Gavin, looked like he was about to cry. However, he remained strong. “I-I said please… I really want her back, so, uh… please give her back?”
Joel snorted. “It’s a her? How cute.” He looked over to one of the others in the circle. Burnie Burns, a kid in Ryan’s class. “How about we make it disappear, Burns?”
“No, please!”
“Hey, leave the kid alone, Joel.” Ryan had heard enough, and he pushed through the layer of kids so he was standing between Burnie, Joel, and Gavin. He held out his hand. “Just give him his toy back. You don’t need it, and he wants it.”
“That stupid rich brat can get another one if he asks for it! He doesn’t need this one!” Burnie snatched the stuffed animal from Joel and pulled at a weak spot in the already-worn seam. The tearing sound was quiet, but it was enough to emit a whine from Gavin.
Ryan felt his patience grow thin. “Grow up, Burnie. You stole a stuffed animal from a nine-year-old boy. It’s probably special to him, so quit being a jerk and give it back before I make you.” His eyes were hard. “I mean it.”
“Fine. I didn’t want it anyway.” Scoffing, Burnie threw it in the dirt. “Stupid kid.” With a huff, he grabbed Joel by the collar of his shirt and stormed away, instantly disbanding the circle. Some of the kids followed Joel and Burnie, while others resumed what they were doing before Burnie caused a scene.
Sighing in relief, Ryan picked the stuffed animal up and handed it back to Gavin. “Be more careful with your things, buddy. Those guys are jerks and like to pick on the younger kids. And I can’t be getting in trouble for beating up bullies.”
“T-thank you, I will…” Gavin held the stuffed cat tightly, afraid to let go. “Who are you?”
“I’m Ryan.”
“Cool! I’m Gavin!” The small child looked extremely happy for some reason. “Hey, Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“You seem really nice, and no one’s ever really been nice to me… Plus, you scared away mean Burnie! Can we be friends?”
The dirty blonde smiled. Though he and Gavin were a few years apart in age, and they’d only just met, he felt as though he and Gavin had a connection. So he nodded. “Sure, Gavin. I’ll be your friend.”
Gavin squealed in delight. “I’ve never had a proper friend before. This will be top!” He giggled before turning away. “I’m gonna go put my kitty away before class. Bye Ryan!”
“Bye, Gavin!” Ryan watched the young boy run back inside, and he felt warm. Not only had he helped Gavin out, but he’d also made a friend. Looking up at the bright blue sky, he knew it would be a good day.
--
Ray had been thrilled when Michael had asked to stay over for another night. Normally, he was arguing with his friend to have him come over just for dinner, so the inquiry had been unexpected, but welcome nonetheless. He would be less lonely for one more night.
But Ray couldn’t find his best friend anywhere.
Though he and Michael had walked outside together, the crowd of seventh graders had plowed through the pair, and gotten them separated in the process. He’d initially considered waiting for Michael by the rock where they’d first met, but after seeing the older kids surrounding it, he knew Michael wouldn’t go over there.
“Michael?” Ray called in distress. “Where did you go?” He’d never found himself lost on a school playground before, but it was as if the kids on the playground had multiplied suddenly. I guess breakfast was gross today.
He was about to give up his hunt and head inside when he bumped – quite literally – into someone much taller than him. “Sorry!” he squeaked, looking up at the student he ran into. The man was tall, and had a bit of curly facial hair. Most of the older boys were bare-faced, so he was fairly easy to pick out.
“It’s okay.” The older boy smiled at him. “Why aren’t you with your friends?”
“Well, I, uh…” Ray looked at the ground in shame. “I… Kinda lost him when the big kids came out, and I can’t find him.” Suddenly, he got an idea. “I know! Can you help me find him?”
To Ray’s surprise, he nodded. “Sure, why not. My name is Jack, what’s yours?”
“Ray.”
“Well, nice to meet you, Ray. Maybe you can help me find my friend Geoff. I seem to have lost him as well.”
Ray nodded. “Deal. Let’s go!”
--
Geoff grumbled loudly, pushing through the sea of students as he looked for Jack. After hearing a noise, Geoff had looked away for a moment, and when he’d looked back, Jack had disappeared. Stupid Jack. Running off to check out every noise he hears. What is he, six? Geoff shook his head. How do you even lose a five-foot-eight guy with a beard?! He had decided to turn back and head to class early when he spotted a redheaded kid in the crowd, looking as though he was trying to find something. Hey, kids are good at finding things. “Hey, kid!”
The curly-haired child turned around and glared at Geoff. “My name is Michael, stupid!”
Oh great. He’s friendly. “Fine, sorry. Hey, Michael, can you help me with something?”
“Wait! You didn’t even tell me your name!” Michael turned away. “You’re not very polite, are you?”
Geoff had to suppress the world’s biggest eye roll as he kept himself level-headed. Michael was more difficult than he anticipated. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. My name is Geoff.”
“Better.” Michael snorted. “But why do you need my help? You’re bigger than me!”
“I lost a friend of mine, and I could use your help finding him. He’s tall – taller than me – and has some hair on his face.” Geoff snickered at Michael’s blank expression. “Do you think you could give me a hand?”
The redhead was silent for a moment, and then nodded. “Sure, I guess so. Maybe I’ll find Ray while we look.”
“Great, thanks!” Geoff allowed Michael to latch himself to his pant leg as he walked at a slow pace, looking for Jack and Michael’s friend. “Hey, Michael. You’re not scared of heights, are you?”
“Not me! I’m the great Mogar! I’m not afraid of anything!” Michael crossed his arms. “Why?”
Geoff said nothing in response; instead, he lifted Michael onto his shoulders so he could see above the crowd. “Okay, now do you see either of them? Jack’s kind of a big guy.”
Michael squinted as he searched the crowd, before he grinned. “If he’s the stupid-looking one with the big head, then yeah! I think I see Ray with him, too!”
“Perfect.” Geoff lowered Michael back onto the ground. “Lead me towards them, oh great Mogar!” He laughed as he was pulled through the crowd until he was face-to-face with Jack. “How the hell did you get lost, stupid?”
“I’m not stupid! I knew where I was!” Jack huffed. “It’s not my fault you- Oh, it looks like you found a small companion as well.”
Geoff watched Michael as he detached from his arm and ran over to his friend. “Yeah, his name is Michael. He’s got more attitude than anyone I know, but he seems to be a good kid.”
Jack opened his mouth to respond, but his words were lost as the first bell rang. “Crud, time to go inside.” He hung his head and started for the door, Geoff following behind closely. He heard Michael and Ray talking to each other, and suddenly caught the question “I wonder if we’re friends now?” from Ray. “Hey, Geoff, you hear that?”
“Yeah.” Geoff chuckled and turned to the two younger boys. “Sure, guys. We’re friends now.”
--
School had passed by slowly for Gavin, but thanks to Ryan, Burnie and Joel had left him alone for the rest of the day. He scanned the torn spot in his stuffed cat, deeming it ripped enough to be fixed, but not damaged enough to be replaced. I’m so glad Ryan stopped him.
When school let out, Gavin tried spotting his new friend, but his search ended with inconclusive results. He must’ve left already, Gavin decided. Instead of taking the bus home, Gavin opted to walk, wanting to embrace the warm spring afternoon. Though he didn’t walk often, it didn’t take him long to arrive to his large estate, but he was surprised to spot his parents’ expensive cars still sitting out front.
“Oh, Gavin’s home, gotta go.” was what Gavin heard upon entering his home. “Gavin, you’re late.”
“Sorry Mum, I walked home today.” But Gavin smiled. “Something amazing happened to me today! I got attacked by these bullies but then this other kid got up in their faces and told them to leave me alone and then we-”
His mother waved him off easily. “That’s nice, sweetie. Your father and I are leaving for a trip. We’ll be gone for a few days, but we called Barbara to watch you, since I know she’s your favorite.”
Gavin’s energetic demeanor dropped when he realized his mother didn’t want to hear about his day. With a drop of his shoulders, he nodded. “Okay, Mum.”
“That’s a good boy. Now, Barbara won’t be here for another hour, but I know you’ll be all right by yourself for a bit. Be good, now!” His mother just waved to him as she walked out the door, and he heard his parents start their cars. Gavin walked over to the window and watched as the two shiny cars pulled out of the driveway and sped off.
I don’t understand. Why doesn’t Mum spend time with me anymore? Gavin missed the days that he lived in England, before his parents got rich. His mother gave him hugs and kisses every day, and his father would try – and fail – to teach him how to play sports. Those days ended when they moved to the US.
But at least I had a friend now. The reminder of his new mate brightened up his mood a bit, and he went out to the back patio to wait for Barbara. Though his parents weren’t in his life as much as they used to be, he at least had Barbara and Ryan to talk to. Perhaps, Gavin thought, he’d be okay.
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francythat · 4 years
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Miss Clue: Trials of Salem
Ok y’all here is my full first time play-by-play reactions to Miss Clue: Trials of Salem. This includes comparisons to previous Miss Clue games and various Nancy Drew games, including MID. I’ll replay MID with similar reactions and then somehow try and come up with a way to compare them. Any thoughts or suggestions on what to compare are welcome. 
I did drink during this game as I thought it was going to be a lot worse than it actually was, that being said I did get kind of wild towards the end so sorry about that for anyone that’s not on board. I did also try and note out where the Chapters end so people that have played the game could like kind of figure out what was happening? It’s so rambly. Guys I’m so sorry. Just imagine watching movies with me. It’s a lot. There are probably some spoilers in here. Hope you enjoy!
So starting off this playthrough strong, realizing I can’t insult any of my Nancy Drew wine glasses by drinking wine out of them while playing either of these games, sad day.
It’s looking like I haven’t played this game before so this should be fun. 
I hate that I love Pride and Prejudice so much that I love that they just throw it in there even if it’s in a ridiculous way. 
These ghosts out here looking way better than the ghost of the horse in SHA
No mom jeans or horse shirts for Jane Darcy. Her trunk still more fashionable in 1692 than Nancy in 2020.
LANIIII
Ok I’m sorry but she said “Miss True” but it definitely sounded like Miss Drew. I see you Miss Clue. 
Score one for Miss Clue, suggesting a chore to help someone before the game actually introducing the person and implying she needs help aka forcing Miss Clue to do a chore. 
Feeling really weird Bethia is giving me the Deirdre vibes from MID aka always right behind me.
-- End of Chapter 1 Part 1 --
So they released chapters of the game like once a week and like could y’all imagine if HER only gave us half of MID and then was like yeah check back in 5 yrs for the other half??? 
Oh no, time for the first puzzle! 
Yeah it totally makes sense for me to click in the air and zoom in on a trunk ok thanks game. 
When did I pick that up????!
This is slightly repetitive but also kind of therapeutic. I don’t hate it. And they didn’t make me repeat it 30 times. Thank you!!!
-- End of Chapter 1 Part 2 --
Death #1. 
This puzzle was like actually not that bad. Has Miss Clue actually improved??
Also Miss Clue out here like continually thinking of others even while on a case. Mad respect. 
That stupid ass Raven. What ND game does that sound like? 
Started drinking when I see “ghosts” (3) or when the game just makes me go “tf?” (2) 
OH I know the name of that part of the tack is called the bellyband but I don’t know how to tighten it? Sorry lady that man is NOT buying it. 
Also started drinking when she repeats really obnoxious phrases. I get the game is free but gahhh hearing the same line over and over to be like yeah that’s not what you’re supposed to do is just a lot. 
I wish I had a man to give me a massage after I go outside. 
Girl how do you know the phases of the moon?
-- End of Chapter 2 --
Kind of wish I had started drinking every time they said witch. 
Oh yeah Miss Clue English ladies TOTALLY creep into sleeping men’s bedrooms at night. Come on Miss Clue just ride bareback this ain’t worth your reputation as a lady.
Death #2
Is the horse riding animation smoother than SHA? Maybe? 
-- End of Chapter 3 --
Lol THIS puzzle. Did you steal this from HER? Maybe?
Lol death # 3
Wow that was kind of dumb. 
Mrs. Bradbury sounds like a mix of 1995 Lady Catherine DeBourgh and Dame Maggie Smith and I’m like living for it.
Ugh what an A**hole. And also screw the Crown. Ugh some people are so disgusting.
Sir I don’t think God gives a sh*t about preserving society. AKA your stupid hierarchy of meaningless garbage over people.
Navigation has kind of improved from some of the older Miss Clue’s so that’s good. 
TF lady you’re so bossy I thought I did that for you already. 
Actually lady you probably should have locked up the house but just putting on your nightgown and going to sleep is ok too I guess. 
“Ewww, that doesn’t go with today at all!” Ok bish it’s clean and you didn’t wear it yesterday or last night so what do you mean??? But if you’re going to be whiny about it and you won’t wear your nightgown guess I’ll give you literally the only other thing left. 
Janie out here sounding like the mom from Mary Poppins. 
Did I break the game trying to figure out how to do this “puzzle” (we know MID would label it a puzzle)? I think I did. Time to figure out how to restart. 
Did I just teleport? I’m confused. 
How do you know she’s doing better? You didn’t actually see her!!
Wish they would’ve explained the game instead of giving me the history but OK. 
Yeah I have NO idea how to play this game. She’s cheating. WOW I lost and didn’t have to replay. Thank goodness for that!!
-- End of Chapter 4 --
Tbh I really thought this game was going well but now it’s starting to get to me. Can I survive until the end of the game? 
Is it just because I’m super buzzed or super single or both that I like love this guy? Someone send help please. 
Ok I take it back the naviagation here is bad. Also new music, definitely upped the creepy atmosphere so good job. 
I can’t decide if I’m happy we don’t ever have to get Nancy into pajamas before she’ll go to sleep in any of the games or not. Lol can you imagine the games where you can just sleep infintely changing her pajamas like 30 times oh gosh. 
Ok lady you’ll wear that dress now? Because that makes sense. Probably because it’s the only clean one left. I feel like brown doesn’t scream the spirit of freedom you’re trying to give for today but that’s just me I guess. 
WHEN DID I PICK THAT UP!!!!
This is a failed opportunity to make this extra puzzley. But still a puzzle by MID standards. I’m sad I can’t fail and repeat like the mint cookies in DAN. 
HOW IS THAT NOT RIGHT! Yes me clicking repeatedly will make it suddenly right I promise game. Ugh I got ahead of myself reading the recipe. How stupid. But also who measures in inches how much they put in something besides like maybe inches of a stick of butter? I’m so annoyed with this game. 
I would like this horse to be called Bob and her to say “Come on Bob” instead of “Let’s go Runner” or whatever she says to the horse. 
“I hope when your brother gets married he lets his wife name the children.” Woooow
I miss not tightening the harnesses enough so Nancy falls off the horse and dies....
“Let’s see if we can find our way to Judge Corwin’s today” does the path change based on the day Jane? What the h?
Is this Snape? 
EW I hate these guys.
 -- End of Chapter 5 --
 Only one more chapter to go thanks goodness.
Died again. twice. Ok third time’s the charm I’m SURE. 
Also “What are you doing in my swamp?!” comes to mind. 
How many times do I let myself die before I cheat and look up the solution?
WAIT WHAT??!!! I thought I solved it!! This is like death 5 guys this is not ok.
WOOOOOWWW. I missed one click. I can’t deal.
UGH THESE GUYS ARE SO EVIL!!!
And just like that we out bishes. 
Yes lady the groom heard the invisible bell go off as you entered the stables so he just happens to know you returned and he has to deal with the horse....
LOL I thought I got away without solving the puzzle. I didn’t. RIP. 
Minus one for the good guys. Died again.
Lol this animation is maybe only slightly better than the MID ones. But otherwise the rest of the graphics seem to be better than MID. 
No that looks like someone is dead. Does anyone actually sleep with their head covered so they can suffocate? I don’t think so. Ah bonnet sticking out covers that. Nevermind. Also lady you really think these men will know this looks exactly like your bonnet? Hell frickin no. They’re DUDES. And it’s A WHITE BONNET. At night. On a lady who is going to DIE. They literally don’t care at all and would not notice.
I don’t think you should be talking when you’re trying to escape lady. 
Then we got this like Mr. Scrooge looking guy. But good for y’all for actually designing two characters we only see for like 30 seconds instead of doing something shady like the beginning of MID. Not sorry.
Yo they ain’t hiding these peeps at all. I don’t have a lot of faith in them now tbh.
This resolution letter is really not as exciting as actually seeing more of the resolution. 
LOL at least this game left with a teaser for the next game. Although LOL they advertised it’d be out in Feb of 2017 and looks like we are still waiting on it.  Now if HER announces their next game and it sounds similar to “Curse of the devil’s heart” I think they’re going to be screaming “That’s karma” at the Miss Clue people. 
But also, was there really a mystery to this game? I don’t think so. I think this game took me like almost 3 hours to complete though so like not bad? I did kind of know what I was doing though so that helped I think.
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casualarsonist · 6 years
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Nostalgia Killer - Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
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I used to have a podcast, and this was a segment on it. I’m going to be extensively shitting on Uncharted 2, so this seems like the best banner under which to do that - at least this way you’ll know what you’re in for.
Before booting up Uncharted 2 (the remastered edition) I’d had delightful premonitions of what I was going to write here, largely based on my memories of my last two or three playthroughs of the game. I was keen to witness the visual upgrades of the PS4 version, of course, but I was also looking forward to talking about Among Thieves’ wholesale gameplay improvements over its predecessor, the improvements that solidified its place as one of the greatest adventure games in video game history. So I started the game up and worked my way through the iconic opening section as Nate wakes up in a crashed train dangling precariously over a cliff edge…and after I’d finished it I put the controller down and didn’t come back to it for six full months.
Something had changed. Not within the game itself - the remastered edition is exactly the same as the original, 1080p upgrade aside. And despite the accuracy of H. Bomberguy’s life-ruining video accusing the series of being completely devoid of freedom, offering little more than a collection of expensively animated tunnels that one is relentlessly forced down, it wasn’t this revelation that had shaken me either. No, something had changed in me - perhaps in my expectations, or in a misremembered idea of the game’s qualities, but this was not the enjoyable experience I recalled. Finishing Uncharted 2 this time around was a chore, and my nostalgic review became an article, and my rose-tinted memory darkened to a crimson scorn. Here I come kiddies, ready to shit on your memories again. This is Nostalgia Killer.
                                                                    ***
For the uninitiated, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves is a 2008 third-person action-adventure game, and the second of Nathan Drake’s grand Playstation 3 adventures. To Naughty Dog’s credit, they worked hard to tighten up and polish a lot of the ideas and mechanics of the first game (reviewed here) with more enjoyable gunplay, more lifelike animation, and more varied and detailed environments. The narrative improvements are marked, and they’ve been particularly ambitious when it comes to the interactions between characters both in cutscenes and otherwise. But while the game succeeds in being a refinement in all these areas, there are still some serious growing pains evident in its design, especially ten years on from its release. I’ve said of Uncharted 4 that if you’ve played one Uncharted game, you’ve played them all, and it was here in Uncharted 2 where that adage begins, where all the familiar beats and tropes would be defined and repeated ad nauseam. Sadly, this isn’t a trend only visibly when viewing the series as a whole, but glaringly obvious within this game alone.
The story follows Drake as he’s dragged ‘back in’ to a life of roguish non-legal adventuring by a pair of shifty old colleagues - Harry Flynn and Chloe Frazer. Coaxed by the thrill of uncovering the location of Marco Polo’s lost fleet and the treasure it carried, Drake and Flynn infiltrate a Turkish museum to steal an artefact containing a map leading to their next location. Flynn double-crosses Drake in a stunning twist (sarcasm), and after serving three months in a Turkish prison, Drake is freed with the help of Chloe and his old friend Sully. Chloe reveals that she is a mole within the army of Serbian mercenary Zoran Lazarević - the man who hired Flynn, who subsequently hired Drake, to find the treasure. The two groups then cross paths back and forth for the next six hours as Drake invariably discovers the next clue to the location of the treasure, and the bad guys invariably show up immediately after to take it away from him.
And while I can understand what they’re trying to do with the format - that is, to make an interactive Indiana Jones film - it’s not long at all before the formula gets tired and very predictable, not the least because the first two acts are essentially one plot point repeated over and over again. See, the thing that Indiana Jones films had going for them was the fact that they’re only a couple of hours long, and one can pretty easily fill a couple of hours with exciting content, even if your bag of tricks is relative small. But when you scale the length of your film up to the equivalent of a quarter of a day whilst retaining the same limited bag of action movie cliches, soon you need to start repeating yourself - a tactic that offers diminishing returns when you’re relying not on depth of story or character to engage people, but on a short-lived dopamine rush inspired by seeing someone hanging off the edge of something precarious. Indiana Jones only fell of a bridge once, not once every ten minutes, and given the Uncharted series’ three types of gameplay (cover-based shooting, climbing, and ‘puzzles’), there simply aren’t enough ideas to sustain a six-hour run-time. Running and gunning - ON A TRAIN; running and gunning - UP A MOUNTAIN; running and gunning - IN A COLLAPSING BUILDING. It’s the same thing Call of Duty has done to death (running and gunning - IN THE FUTURE), and the reason why no-one buys those games for the single player any more. Change the location as many times as you want, but if the people and the situations in your story just repeat themselves again and again and again, you’re not building a game that someone can come back to repeatedly and get the same level of enjoyment out of.
But then again, perhaps that means that they’ve gotten it exactly right - the Transformers films aren’t made to be watched twenty times, they’re designed for maximum impact the first time around - and the first time round, Uncharted 2 is a blast. It’s also accessible, undemanding, and easy to pick up and play at pretty much any time. But much like the Transformers films, the bright lights and flashy colours are designed to distract you from the overwhelming emptiness at the game’s core. Who is this Serbian war criminal? Why do you care? Why is he seeking the Cintamani stone?Because ‘power’. How is it that his group keeps finding Drake at the exact point that he locates the next clue? Stop asking questions. And why do all these bad guys keep threatening to kill people and never actually do it? I said stop asking questions! And just how the fuck did he get hundreds of troops and weapons and vehicles and a fucking tank up to the peak of a forgotten, remote mountain buried deep in the Himala-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Again, one can overlook this kind of narrative short-changing if you’re watching a dumb ninety minute film, but if you’re paying £50 on launch for a six-to-ten hour game, the sheen really starts to wear off when the boards you’re climbing up crumble from beneath you for the 400th time.
But hell, you say, this is just the Uncharted we know and love, right? Sure, it doesn’t have a lot going on, but what it does, it does really well. I imagine that just as many people will feel justified in loving the series for these reasons as much as I feel justified in complaining about them. But I can’t imagine anyone looking back fondly on that level with the tank that will one-shot kill you, or the bit in the mountain temple with the snipers and rocket launchers that will one-shot kill you, or when you’re on the train and have to fight the helicopter and the armoured shotgun troops that will one-shot kill you, or the final boss battle where you run around in circles so he doesn’t one-shot kill you. Because what you forget when you haven’t played the game for a while is that it’s filled with the most horrendous and incongruent difficulty spikes. Enemies take anywhere between one and a dozen hits to kill depending on when the game decides it’s going to change the rules, and while some times eliminating everyone you see will allow you to progress, other times hordes of belligerents will then suddenly spawn from nowhere just because. I’d say that it was dreadfully archaic design that comes from the days when monsters would literally wait in a closet until you stepped on a specific floor texture, except that even Doom kept its enemy health consistent.
I know that it’s ‘action movie logic’, but there’s something uniquely frustrating in Uncharted 2′s design when you’ve just spent fifteen minutes getting fucked over and over again by a handful of enemies, only to be blowing them away by the dozen five minutes later with the exact same weapon you’ve been using all along. Noticing the change just adds insult to injury, and all the while the game autosaves every minute because the developers know that if they made you restart from the beginning every time you died you’d throw your console into oncoming traffic
Which is a shame, because while it is indeed a far more polished release, Uncharted 2 still exhibits the same bad design habits that plague the first Uncharted game - design habits that I know Naughty Dog can leave, behind because I just replayed The Last Of Us, and that game is fucking superb. It still contains a lot of the cover-based shooting gameplay of Uncharted, but there’s something about the balance in difficulty, as well as the variation in weapons and enemy types that makes all the difference in the world - when the developers decide they need to change the pace they don’t change the rules of the game, instead they change the scenario, and this means that while each new set of circumstances might present a greater and greater challenge to the player, your skills at playing the game can improve to meet them as you become more acquainted with the game’s internal rulebook. You’re not coddled for hours before being thrown into an intentionally unwinnable battle, then coddled again, then punished, then coddled, etc, etc. The end result here is that Uncharted 2 often feels cheap in how it tries to challenge and thrill the player, and I can’t go and put myself back in the mindset of a person playing it for the first time in order to understand why it’s seen as something so perfect.
If you still love playing Uncharted 2, I’m not here to convince you that you’re wrong. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of writing this article is at all, other than to document the fact that I went back and played one of the most lauded video games in history expecting to write the glowing follow-up review to the first game that I’d promised to do so long ago, and found that without the initial thrill, and contemporary comparisons to make, a lot of its lustre is stripped away. Uncharted 2 is fine, and it’s certainly a hugely influential work, but it’s actually pretty fucking annoying in retrospect. And the fact that you can forget that so easily is perhaps the game’s greatest achievement.
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