#internalized homophobia buddies fr

[onstrangerthighs]

His Loss

CW: homophobic language (s1 Steve has deep-rooted internalized homophobia fr), referenced/implied child abuse Ship: Jonathan x Billy, aka byergrove/flashwaves Word Count: 1,149 For @billyhargrovebingo

The disgust on Steve's face shocks Billy. Hits him right in his bruised chest. He should be familiar with that look. Neil's worn it since Billy could walk.

He never thought it'd taint Steve's pretty face.

"I don't know what I did to give you the impression that I was a queer," Steve sneers.

Billy opens his mouth. Nothing comes out.

Don't cry, don't cry. This isn't real, this is a nightmare.

"And even if I was…" Steve shudders at the thought, before continuing, "you'd never be my first choice."

"Unless you're joking. You must be."

I wish I was.

Steve whistles loudly. "Holy shit. You're a fucking fa-"

Billy socks him in the mouth before he can finish that ugly sentence. The taller boy blinks in shock, holding his jaw.

Why the fuck does he look so confused? Don't tell me he doesn't know why I hit him.

"You hit like a bitch," Steve spits out, blood and saliva landing on Billy's sneakers.

Billy pushes him on his ass and starts kicking him. Little by little, Steve Harrington disappears, until all Billy sees is Neil. He kicks harder, eyes stinging.

"Are you fucking crying? Jesus Christ, dude. You really fell for me, huh. You're a dumb ass."

"Shut UP!"

"You could beat me into a goddamn coma, but I bet your heart is in a million pieces, right? I broke your fairy heart, didn't I? You could never hurt me like I'm hurting you right now. Isn't that right?"

"STOP! STOP IT!"

"You're insane. You're a fucking basket case! Did you honestly think there was a chance in hell that we would be together?"

As if he's just been slapped, Billy stumbles backwards, his back hitting the wall.

"You said it yourself; I've got girls on their hands and knees for me. Why would I want you?"

Suddenly he's seven years old again, watching his mother speed out of the driveway, her blue car growing smaller and smaller until it's a speck of dust.

Dad was right. No one wants me.

Every dream he's had of a soft, safe life with Harrington is gone. He knew they were just dreams, but still… they were real to him. He finally grew a pair and confessed, only for Harrington to cut off his balls and crush his aching heart.

Jonathan's not usually the type to care about gossip, but Tommy's voice is impossible to ignore. At least, that's what he tells himself as he marches toward the boy, glaring daggers at him.

"You said something about Billy. Do you know where he is?"

"You're messing up my collar!"

Jonathan yanks him closer with a strength neither expects from him. "Where is he?"

"Out in his car. Heard from Steve that he completely lost his marbles. Beat him pretty bad."

Doesn't Billy have a huge crush on Steve? Why would he-

Oh. Fuck.

Jonathan speed-walks out of Mr. Jacobs' classroom, breaking out into a jog as soon as he's out in the parking lot.

Billy is slumped over the wheel. He's not moving. Jonathan's not even sure if he's breathing.

Fuck.

"Billy? It's Jon. Could you give me a sign that you're alive? Just so I know not to break your window?"

Billy slowly raises his head like a scarlet turtle poking out of its shell. "You better fucking not."

Jonathan leans on the car, finally catching his breath. "You're alive."

"Unfortunately. You don't sound disappointed about that. Me being alive."

"Why would I be disappointed?"

Billy shrugs. "Everyone else is."

"You're wrong."

"Oh, yeah? Name one person who-"

"Me. Who else is going to be my study buddy?"

"Nancy."

Jonathan sighs, resting his forehead on the window. "I heard about what happened."

"Of course you did. So what're you still doing here? Aren't you afraid I'm gonna turn you gay?"

"It's a bit too late for that."

"Thought my ears were playing tricks or something."

"That asshole doesn't deserve even a second of your time, you know," Jonathan says.

"I know it was stupid, but I-I really thought he liked me," Billy sobs.

"It's not stupid! He's the idiot. He could've had someone really great, and he fucked it up."

" "Someone really great"? Now I know you're not talking about me."

"And what if I am? You aren't stupid for wanting to be loved."

"Nobody loves me," Billy whispers, sniffling.

"I do. I love you."

Billy stops crying and unlocks the door. He hides his face in his hands, peeking up at Jonathan.

"D-don't say stuff you don't mean. Don't give me h-hope just so you can-"

"I've never meant anything more. You don't have to respond. It's okay. I just… wanted you to know that. I may not be what you want, but you are loved."

"B-but Nancy, I thought?"

"She's dating Barb."

"Oh. Can I… ask you a question?"

"Sure, bub."

"What do you like about me?"

"How much time do you have?"

"I'm serious."

"Me too. We'd be here all day until we're both old and grey."

"Sure." Even though his face is still hidden, Jonathan is sure he just rolled his eyes.

"Thing one: your heart."

"My heart? Jesus Christ."

"You have a really big heart. I remember when you gave a stray dog the last of your cheeseburger."

"Wasn't that your burger, though?"

"I'm retracting my confession," Jonathan deadpans.

"Then you do have some sense of self-preservation. Good."

"Quit it."

"Quit what?"

"Acting like you're a bomb set to go off any minute."

"I could've killed Harrington."

"Who cares? Everyone knows he can't win a fight to save his life. I would've done worse. I'm pretty sure I have, actually. So don't fall into your self-loathing period."

"You would, huh?"

"If I'd been there and heard whatever he said to you, I would have killed him."

"Then you'd be arrested," Billy points out.

"You're such a boy scout."

"Hmph. How about Thing 2?"

"You owe me a burger." Jonathan gets into the passenger seat, knowing full well he's not letting Billy pay a cent.

"Thing 2: your mouth."

"That's kinda slutty, dude."

"Would you let me finish?"

"You should know by now that I can't take compliments." He starts the Camaro up, adding somberly, "Not like I get many. Unless it's about my ass."

"It is a nice ass."

"Do you wanna walk to the diner?"

"You've always got something to say."

Billy glares at him, but then his expression softens once he sees Jonathan's fond smile.

"No one's making you listen to me."

"That's right." Jon whips his hair back and says raspily, "Here I am."

"I don't sound like that!"

I hope I can help you forget Steve. Maybe it'll be easier for you to move on if he were out of the picture. Anything for you. "You didn't deny the hair thing."

"Shut up."

Little by little, they're falling back into place. Your loss, Harrington.

#damn #i really put my boy billy through it #billy hargrove #byergrove #jonathan byers #billy x jonathan #my writing #jonathan x billy #jonathan byers x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x jonathan byers #im back #i think 😭