#insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

I am once again posting my wishlist, this time refreshed with post-surgical items! I don't expect or obligate anyone to buy me anything from this list, but if you've been wondering how to help, this is how.

This is mostly for my irl/facebook friends, honestly. They're all "How can I help?" and I'm like "a big wad of cash would be nice," so instead, I went shopping for things that I'll need and wishlisted them.

Dr. Plastics told me to buy A FEW SPORTS BRAS. lol with what money sir? So that's on the list.

I also put a few books and video games on the list, because I'm gonna be bored, and bored me gets depressed easily. Distract the demons away!

I also put a shitload of doordash gift cards on there because we're probably gonna utilize a shitload of doordash. Sorry not sorry.

I'm doing this, making my wishlist, to distract me from how much I want alcohol and weed, btw. Yes, it's only been two days. But knowing that I can't have either of them makes me want them more. And today is the perfect day to get stoned, Nuggets vs Lakers game 4 is on and it's snowy and I don't have shit to do this afternoon.

Too bad I can't wishlist a bottle of vodka and a pack of edibles.

#metastatic breast cancer #wishlist #insertcaffeine vs weed #insertcaffeine vs alcohol #insertcaffeine breast surgery

[jenthebug]

Reasons I should get weed on 4/20:

- Headache

- It’s 4/20

- I have money

- I really like weed

Reasons I should NOT get weed on 4/20

- Headache

- It’s 4/20 (crowded)

- Fatigue

- Would probably overspend

- Have gotten stoned every day this week

- Just don’t wanna

This is one of the few times that I’ve cursed Colorado’s law that only the MMJ patient can go pick up their weed.

I’m leaning towards no, the “just don’t wanna” and the fatigue are strong.

This headache tho

#insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

I’m sick.

Jay got a cold from school, passed it around asymptotically, and now everyone in the house is sick 🤧

I’ve told him that he has to mask for the rest of the school year (last day is 5/24) and this is non-negotiable. I can’t be sick on the day of my surgery.

I’ve done nothing all day. I’m still in my jammies.

I did read through the first draft of my romance novel. Kinda want to light it on fire. 💢 I’ll print it and make edits and suggestions for the second draft when I feel better. Right now, all I can think of is “do better, your writing sucks.” And I know that’s not true.

You know what I’d really like right now? Something to numb my throat. Like ALCOHOL. But I’m not drinking right now. You know what else would be great? Some weed so idgaf about being sick. In fact, I can think of nothing more enjoyable than getting crossfaded tonight. But no. :/

Anyway thanks for letting me power-bitch.

#having a cold is bullshit #writing about writing #insertcaffeine vs alcohol #insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

Update: I’ll be having two surgeries, a double mastectomy and tissue expanders, then a bilateral DIEP flap (reconstruction using fat from my belly) a couple months later when my tissue has sufficiently expanded. It’s gonna expand a lot. I’m going big.

I’m about to be sober af this summer…no weed 6 weeks before or after each surgery. So I’m getting absolutely snoop dogged tonight. 200mg. Because my surgery could be as soon as 6 weeks from now (come on let’s get this over with!). I’ll get an exact date when the surgery scheduler calls.

Dr. Plastics wants me to start losing weight in a healthy way, too; cut out sweets, fast foods, and alcohol, and cut back on simple carbs. So that’ll be something to work on this spring.

This. Is. Gonna. Suck.

These are huge surgeries.

And two of my favorite coping mechanisms are now off limits. Three, counting sweets.

#insertcaffeine breast surgery #insertcaffeine vs weed #insertcaffeine vs alcohol #cancer fitblr #tw weight loss #metastatic breast cancer

[jenthebug]

Just told Jay about how I’m abstaining from alcohol and weed “until I’ve finished recovering from my second surgery. So probably the fall. Fuuuuuck.”

(Yes, I drop f bombs in front of my teenager.)

And then I was proud of myself because I can abstain. I don’t like it; I’d much rather eat a big fatty edible and get so high that I forget I have a body, or have a couple vodka crans while I’m playing Mario Kart; but I don’t have to like it.

I can abstain without sneaking alcohol or weed, without just disregarding the surgeon’s advice, and with a little grumbling but no losing my temper or making everyone walk on eggshells around me.

My mother could not say the same. So hooray for healing and breaking cycles and being a good example.

Tolerance breaks get easier as time goes on, and this one will too.

#insertcaffeine vs weed #insertcaffeine vs alcohol

[jenthebug]

Home and hydrating to get the contrast out of me. Jay said his concert went well; I’m still bummed that I missed it.

My body is exhausted, but tense.

My brain is FUCKING WIRED.

This would be the *perfect* time for an edible but I’m out and I’m broke. I’m so mad. This is the exact imbalance that pot balances perfectly. I could be so chill and noodley right now.

I signed up for a Spanish conversation on meetup. I got waitlisted for tomorrow, which was fine with me. Maybe next week, right?

NOPE. A spot opened up. I’ll be spending tomorrow morning at a cute little coffee shop, ¡hablando con extraños! (“talking to strangers” in a language I barely know and am incredibly self conscious about pronouncing)

Now I need to hit the dictionary and look up things like “I am wearing a mask because I have metastatic breast cancer” and “I’ve been on roller coasters less scary than this situation, what was a shy person thinking coming here jaja”

There’s a snowstorm coming on Thursday that’s supposed to drop a foot of snow on us. 😭 The original plan was a parent teacher conference, a trip all the way across town to a doctor appointment for Jay, then taking Jay to a friend’s house for a sleepover.

Those things may not happen. I hate it when plans change, but I hate driving in a foot of snow more.

The appointment can be telehealth, that’s the most important thing. The conference will be rescheduled if it’s a snow day. The sleepover? If the roads are bad, I’m not going. Jay can figure it out.

I better finish this Tension Tamer tea and attempt to sleep. Still wish it was weed.

#metastatic breast cancer #insertcaffeine español #mundane #stress #insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

I AM CRANKY AND I WANT WEED

Tonight would be perfect for it

I can’t relax

I want to do nothing and be calm about it

Even reading is stressing me out

I’m absolutely sure this is pre-surgery anxiety, because I’m trying to arrange the house and get my to-do list done. I’d feel better if surgery was sooner, I’d have less time to wait and stew in my anxiety!

But I can’t have weed, so it’s up to me to find something to get my brain into a quiet state on my own. It’s not reading. It’s not Stardew Valley. It’s not my planner. It’s definitely not social media. (I’ve tried all those things and am still anxious)

Maybe drawing or coloring? But I have Soba on my lap. Maybe I’ll watch TV. Something really interesting could help.

#insertcaffeine breast surgery #insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

insertcaffeine vs weed: I've been on an involuntary tolerance break since last Friday. Because money. The answer to this is "ration weed more carefully," not "spend more on weed," btw. I want to be able to go 3-4 days without an edible and have it be nbd.

This is much less unpleasant than my most recent 2-week tolerance break, which means taking nights off here and there is helpful.

Still wish I was high though.

#insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

Whole-ass life update

insertcaffeine vs. weed: Weed’s winning. I’ve gotten stoned every night this week, because every day this week has been frustrating, exhausting, or both. I’ve done my ASL lessons, and then taken an edible. Tonight, though, no edibles. I’ll be dropping Jay off at a friend’s house and doing some ASL study, that’s it.

Jay: One of his friends has a legit Disney World Dad, who is taking the friend to legit Disney World, and offered to let her bring a friend! She chose Jay. So Jay is going to Disney World for a week, starting tomorrow. 

Work: [frog emoji][tea emoji] One of the MAs, the one who we thought up and quit last time, actually up and quit this time. We work in a very non-toxic workplace that doesn’t suffer gossip well, so nobody has told me what really went down. One one hand, this is good (obviously). On the other, I wanna know.

Also, New Lady was hired part-time for bariatrics (my clinic) and part time for maternal-fetal medicine (the clinic next door), and she’s started training next door. So I’m tired. x_x

Beauty: I’ve decided that it’s my duty to Serve. Up. Lewks. in Boston for Twin Bro's graduation. Glow the fuck UP. I’m working on makeup looks. I’m trying a new brand of press-on nails (Dashing Diva MagicPress, I’m impressed so far). I’m seriously considering a wig and new glasses. The graduation is a perfect excuse to get all done up, but I’ve been wanting to glow up for a while. Because really, why not?

Soba: Jay took a really cute picture of him.

#insertcaffeine vs weed #bariatric clinic job #my kid is awesome #soba tinycat

[jenthebug]

Update: I got an x-ray (beautifully unremarkable), lidocaine patches (fine), and a referral to physical therapy.

I just got a promotion from MyChart to schedule my appointment. There was an appointment for Saturday, June 3rd at 7:45am, in Aurora (far). I took it, like "whatever, that's future me's problem, I'm gonna stay up late and watch GDQ since it's only ... June ... 2nd. Fuck."

(Also I am high for pain relief)

So I guess I'm not staying up late. Instead, I'll be waking up even earlier than normal to drive across town for PT, which is probably gonna suck. I don't want another injury. 💢

At least Saturday PT is a thing. I super lucked out getting that appointment, I am not taking that for granted.

#insertcaffeine back injury #insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

I kicked ass today.

Overslept and made it to work on time anyway

Busy day with no big mistakes

Ordered new carpet and baseboards

Didn't take an edible

Studied Lesson 1 of the free ASL course; it's good!

About to go to bed early

#mundane #asl #insertcaffeine basement fiasco #insertcaffeine vs weed #<- new tag for wanting ALL the weed and also not wanting to become dependent on it #better stay sober on study nights

[jenthebug]

Went to Scratching Me Island. Soba was there. I got my ass kicked.

I’ve had to keep the animals away more than I’d like today, since the movers came and moved all our stuff back into the basement! Now all we need to do is unpack it, which Husband said he’d do most of since it’s mostly his stuff. Holy SHIT that’s a load off my mind! I’m so tired it hurts! I don’t know why, all I did was get groceries and meet the movers. But damn. I have zero energy right now. Also, it is WONDERFUL to have a partner who helps around the house so I can rest.

We’ve owned the Sherrelwood house for seven years now, to the day. I love home.

It snowed. The audacity.

Jay comes back from Disney World late tonight. I’ll probably be asleep by the time he gets in, but he’ll need a ride home from his friend’s house. Husband’s picking him up. *dreamy sigh* I am so fortunate. I hope he knows how loved I feel when he does things for me. I think I’ll tell him again.

My brother-in-law and bestie @unic0rnthe0ry moved across the country today. Things are not great in his world right now. He’s fine, him and Twin Bro are fine, but he’s very stressed. So if you feel led to post cute animals and want to help, tag @unic0rnthe0ry in those adorable posts. Like this: Hey @unic0rnthe0ry--

See? Easy

Time to (attempt to) quell the munchies. Took an edible because I hoped the “so tired it hurts” feeling was due to muscle tension that weed would undo. That was not the case.

#soba tinycat #insertcaffeine basement fiasco #insertcaffeine vs weed #@unic0rnthe0ry is awesome #gratuitous cat gif #my husband is awesome

[jenthebug]

Good news first: redid the ASL lesson. Totally understood it! I've been practicing every time I'm at a stoplight, describing cars, describing families by the stickers on back windows, fingerspelling street names, and so on.

I am going to CRUSH this. I'm gonna go to Deaf Social Chat and have so much fun.

Bad news: I am CrAvInG weed on a study night. If I take an edible now, I won't even have time to enjoy it. This is by design. Tomorrow's a study night too, I'll be doing the next lesson. I'm hoping to use edibles three nights a week and have four nights off, because that seems reasonable. I just need to find constructive and fun and restful ways to use my time when I'm not stoned.

I think I'll look up some more vocabulary.

#asl #insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

ASL lesson 4 review -

I get it. (OH I SEE, one of our vocab words)

You know what else I get? An edible, because I did my studying early! This is not ideal, I'd rather only take edibles three days a week, but they were right there and I had time and nothing to do and my tummy hurts.

Writing down my excuses will hopefully help me identify and avoid these moments when I absolutely NEED weed, so I can enjoy it without depending on it. #goals

The basement fiasco is winding to a close. Carpet is going in. I picked out bathroom hardware yesterday, and treated myself to a truly awesome faucet this morning (the basic faucet I got yesterday was incompatible with the sink). Soon Husband will have his basement back. Hopefully we can fix the stair door and keep the cat down there too.

Husband and Soba are ✨ besties ✨ and it's so cute. Soba cuddles with Husband! Like, on purpose! He accepts pets for like 30-60 seconds without biting! He falls asleep on Husband's bare lap! (He'll only sleep on me if I'm covered by his favorite blanket)

For now, it's time to use this high to its highest potential, and break in a new sketchbook.

#asl #oh-i-see #insertcaffeine basement fiasco #soba tinycat #insertcaffeine vs weed

[jenthebug]

Am I irritable because I’m out of pot or because this day was that bad? Usually I’m happy to be at home after a bad day, but tonight I’m all 🤬💢🖕🏻

Either way, I’m dropping my weed money in the joint account, we’ll need it next payday when I get my Vegas paycheck (I only had 20 hours PTO, I was gone for 40, so 20 hours were unpaid).

Weed is one of my favorite things, and it is also not a necessity. I’ll probably get it again in mid-December. And then I’m going to OUTER SPACE BABEY!!

The boss keeps dropping new responsibilities on me. I take the notes for the daily meetings now. I have to learn Salesforce to call patients who express interest on the website. And then there’s the note taking and emailing that happens whenever she’s being unreasonable.

Ultimate Partner asked if we could get part time help and the boss approved it! Now I have to see if working part time would be more advantageous to me than going on disability. It might, depending on how many hours I’d get and how much I could delegate. If Boss balks at me training Ultimate Partner on my responsibilities, or if the job is too few hours, disability would be the better plan. But if she’s willing to hire a full timer with experience, and stop dropping busywork on us, and it’s a 25-30 hour week, I’d go for it.

(Hmm. That seems to require Boss to be reasonable. I have doubts.)

Anyway, I’m watching my favorite Twice videos and trying to mellow out.

#insertcaffeine vs weed #bariatric clinic job #🤬💢🖕🏻

[jenthebug]

ASL Lesson 10 update: Oooooh persnickety little grammar things, this one’s definitely a do-over, possibly the first one I do over *twice* because my brain’s not quite grabbing it.

Because I’m stoned.

Happy 4/20 :)

I fully acknowledge that this was a poor choice on my part. I plan to do the class again, as well as watch other videos on modals (today’s topic, words like CAN, WILL, SHOULD, MUST, FINISH, NOT YET, CAN’T, REFUSE, and I’m sure there are more), on Saturday. It’s not normally a study day, but I’ll have time.

As for today, I’m gonna enjoy myself. And sign to myself or Momo or Soba if I’m in a situation that I can explain with my limited signing ability.

#asl #insertcaffeine vs weed