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paumeranian · 5 years

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User Test #7 with Donato (59 y/o, technician for Chorus)

Icebreaker

Q: Can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Such as, what’s your occupation, what are your hobbies?

A: I work for Chorus, I’m doing fibre and copper installations. My hobbies are listening to music, breeding fish, cycling and singing.

Q: Tell me about what comes to mind when I mention the word “doctor”

A: Medical checkups, someone’s sick or a master in a certain field

Q: Do you currently have a GP? If so, are you satisfied with the cost and distance to get there? If not, have you ever thought of switching to a more suitable one for your needs?

A: I have a GP at Waitakere Union Health. I’m happy to go there and it costs me nothing. I wouldn’t say I’m getting enough care but it’s well above my expectation. They constantly monitor my heart condition, physical wellbeing and they keep in touch with me from to time with regards to my laboratory checkup - from blood tests and yeah. I’m happy with where I am because if I switch to another GP there wouldn’t be any differences with the analysis, they’d just get my medical records passed to them, follow the same routine that I’m having now. It would be the same procedures and diagnoses.

Key Takeaways

Homepage:

“A General Practitioner would always monitor me”

“Address? Would that be the GP’s address?”

“I wouldn’t mind driving to the GP cause I drive”

Started talking about own situation with own GP, brought up some interesting insights about decision making - how he wouldn’t switch to a GP where he’d have to pay like $30 and get the same services when he gets them for free now

“This would be good for people who aren’t happy with the GP’s they have. Seeing reviews made by others would be a bonus so they have an idea of what would suit them. Most people review a certain service, product or person on the internet nowadays. Right now with doctors it goes around by word of mouth, but if there’s a website it’d be much easier cause nowadays everything’s done on the internet”

This section got a bit tangential as he said he wouldn’t drive 12km for a GP.

“I got confused with your question” At this point I had to rephrase the task and started talking in our language, explain the idea further e.g. what the distance and cost sliders are for, insisting he clicks around

Talks about when finding a GP you usually look for someone you feel at ease with, some GP’s go the extra mile like give you advice on things you could do without extra cost. Most GP’s nowadays just ask about how you’re feeling, blah, blah - some recommend you to specialists once you’re diagnosed e.g. with a heart problem you have to see a cardiologist (I was relating this back to other users’ suggestions of including what the doctor specialises in on the website so this was good insight)

Wasn’t clear to him that address field is for typing in your own address, thinking you type in the GP’s address

Pointed out that max distance of 40km would be too far, would be in like Manukau going to Papakura, “I don’t think I’d be driving that far for a normal consultation. I mean think of the traffic, time consumed and petrol. You have to take leave from work, and if you had an appointment in the morning or afternoon you could miss it. So the nearer the better. If it’s walking distance then even better. It depends on the person.”

*started clicking around, went through GUI’s from left to right rather than top to bottom

I had to probe for him to click Search after applying those, he asked about the address again - at this point I was thinking the impression that the fields aren’t all filled in makes it seem like it’s not yet done and can’t move forward

I ask: “What’s next?”

“What’s next? Then I have to search”

Results page:

“The first thing I saw is the star, I’m normally used to reading reviews like Trademe or if I want to buy or know about a product or service. The more positive reviews the better. It’s like word of mouth, someone I know giving me advice. Some reviews can be biased or manufactured though like for example if a friend of a doctor reviewed them, then it wouldn’t be totally reliable. So my next determinant would be the distance, but then I’d think if it’s in the city where would I find parking? Whereas if I go to Grey Lynn for an extra 2 minute drive, it’d be easier cause Auckland CBD would only have parking for staff.”

“Parking is a must e.g. in town there are only a few like Victoria, SkyCity, Civic, Wilson is expensive which costs would go on top of your appointment fee so adding this would be a great solution”

“If I’m budget conscious I would choose the cheapest one”

Clinic info page:

“The map stood out to me first cause clicking on the map would give me an idea where to go, where I’d park or my travel time, I have to add time for finding parking you know? Circling around the area and walking since I drove all the way to that place, I’d still be walking a bit - so why would I choose it?”

“Cost is cheap, phone number, appointment time, normal business hours, they have 1 GP, 2 nurses"

Asked how to scroll with the Mac which made me think, I don’t know anyone who’s older that uses a Mac which might affect how they perceive the prototype if they’re testing on one

“Dr Mckay’s the expert”

Doctor info:

“Would I go to them straight away? I’m used to shopping around, it’s what Kiwis do even for services which means finding other options. So I would compare her with other GP profiles. I don’t just jump to the availability and compare it with my schedule.”

“Languages - added value since language barriers exist. If they can’t understand clearly the way you talk.. I would prefer to see someone who speaks the same language as me.”

“Nothing I’d add”

Changing filter parameters:

“I would expect the page to refresh if I change what’s on the filter automatically rather than going two pages back”

Sort by feature:

Noticed sort right away and assumed rearranging the list should be done through it

“That helps a lot for someone comparing options. I’d rather use the drop down than the three big options at the top to organise them. I use it a lot on Trade me e.g. cheapest, closing soon”

Comparison table feature:

How I said the scenario here was a bit confusing

The idea of adding to a comparison table was initially confusing so I had to intervene and probe

Clicked add to button and immediately went up to the (1) comparison table tab

“Having a comparison table would be beneficial for the user”

“It’s easier to do, more user friendly to have a comparison table that’s one click away”

“the term comparison table makes sense, I can’t think of what else to call it”

“I’m more than happy to use it”

Reflections

Q: How would you describe the prototype to friends?

A: If a friend asked me to recommend a reliable GP I’d suggest for them to go on this website ... tangent “Everything is computerised nowadays. You have to have at least some sort of grasp on how websites work since it’s a huge part of our daily lives. The older generation who have limited knowledge on how this works would be lost. You wouldn’t recommend this website to seniors who have no idea how to use a computer, you’d struggle to recommend it really. They’re probably just get information by word of mouth and you have to explain it well.. some get grumpy over not knowing how to use something and saying they don’t need it in the first place. It’s not an excuse to be too old, everyone’s capable of learning. Patience is key when explaining stuff to grumpy old people. You have to find a strategy to convince them to use your product or service, saying it in a nice way without insulting or touching their ego... It’s hard to change behaviour cause most [old] people don’t like change. Everything changes and you have to cope with it.”

Q: Is it something you would use?

A: Yes. It’s convenient, user-friendly.

Card sorting

Distance - Cause time is important to me e.g. if I got half the day off to go to my GP I’d need to utilise that time wisely. Most GP’s are closed on weekends and holidays. I work on weekdays so my first basis would be the distance. I work in the field so I’m everywhere but even if I worked in an office and I had to travel from Massey to Greenlane it’s quite far, my boss only gave me half day o

Appointment availability - Say I’m only available from 12-3 and there’s no GP available in that time so what’s the use? So I think it’s more important

Cost - If I’m on a budget e.g. I’m paying insurance, mortgage.. For someone who’s paying too many bills, cost would be a big factor especially if you’re just earning wage. Comparing $25 and $40, the extra $20 could be spent on petrol instead

Gender - I’m more at ease asking questions from a man, having a man to man talk I can open up anything under the sun

Reputation -

Duration - Doesn’t matter that much as long as I was able to express what I’m feeling, how long it’s been going on etc. regardless if they’re a specialist that’s what they ask and it’s up to you to explain it further. Some doctors also get irritated about appointments that go overtime cause they have other patients to see. And [I think] they’d wanna see more patients to get more money. Getting to that profession costed them a lot so they have to get something out of what they shed off while studying unless the doctor is already well-off and genuinely want to help.

Reaction words

User friendly - Because I have a bit of an idea how computers work, clicking and switching between options was easy

Annoying - First impression *scratches head* if you don’t understand what you see and just cause it’s foreign and intimidating.. If you’re using a new website you’re obviously gonna have averted feelings.. Older people tend to just let someone else do it for them, especially if they’re busy

Convenient - As soon as I grasped the idea I found it valuable

Efficient - Synonymous to convenient, like this would be beneficial and it’s easy

Valuable - I thought this website would have value

Behaviour

has a good knowledge of technology, uses phone and laptop everyday for various things like work, buying and selling and social media

Very detailed and expressive

Likes to give examples

Because of this he tends to really put himself in the situation instead of seeing information as placeholders e.g. I wouldn’t drive to Auckland CBD Medical Centre cause parking would be a nightmare but he brought up a really good point that it would be good to include parking information

Can go off on a tangent

Used fingers to point at things on the website instead of using the trackpad

Would attempt to touch screen and scroll down with fingers

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kacydeneen · 5 years

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Is the Keto Diet Safe? Everything You Need to Know

An estimated 45 million Americans go on diets each year to improve their eating habits or lose weight. And while there's no shortage of diets to choose from, the latest weight-loss trend gaining an increasing number of followers is the ketogenics diet.

Halle Berry, Katie Couric and Al Roker are among the growing list of celebrities who stand behind the "keto" diet. They have attributed their weight-loss success to its low-carb formula. After losing 50 pounds following the keto plan, Vinny Guadagnino from MTV's "Jersey Shore" became one of the diet's biggest advocates. The reality star even launched a second Instagram account, @KetoGuido, which boasts over 700,000 followers, to document his new meaty lifestyle.

US Experts Reviewing Low-Carb, Other Diets for Guidelines

But what exactly is keto? Its popularity aside, is the keto diet healthy and sustainable? Here are some answers to your top questions about keto:

What is the Keto Diet?

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The keto diet is a low- to no-carbohydrate diet that helps the body to burn fat by forcing it into a state of ketosis, a metobolic process where the body uses fat instead of carbs as its fuel source. Keto is intended to be a short-term diet, according to Ruth Frechman, a registered dietitian nutritionist, targeting rapid weight loss while reportedly curbing food cravings and boosting mood, mental focus and energy.

The diet was originally introduced in the 1920s as therapy for children suffering from epilepsy after several studies indicated that the ketone chemical produced during the breakdown of fat for fuel could help to reduce their seizures.

Hong Kong Police Fire Tear Gas, Water as Protest Escalates

It was developed for weight loss decades later by Dr. Gianfranco Cappello, a professor of surgery at the University La Sapienza in Rome. Cappello tested the diet in a study that spanned between 2006 and 2011, and found that it helped more than 19,000 participants lose an average of 22 pounds in 25 days.

"The treatment is safe, fast, inexpensive and has good one-year results for weight maintenance," he wrote in the study’s findings published in 2012.

What Foods Can You Eat on the Keto Diet?

Keto is similar to other low-carb, high-fat diets like Atkins and South Beach. The standard keto meal plan calls for consuming 75% of daily calories from fat, 20% from protein and 5% from carbohydrates.

According to Franziska Spritzler, a registered dietician and certified diabetes educator, these are some of the foods you can eat on the keto diet:

Meats

Fats and high fat oils like butter, olive oil and mayonnaise

Low carb vegetables like avocado, spinach and broccoli

High fat dairy like cheese, heavy cream and sour cream

Nuts

Seafood

Eggs

Spices

Berries (sparingly)

Artificial sweeteners like Stevia and sucralose (sparingly)

What Foods Can't You Eat on the Keto Diet?

Fruits

Grains and starches

Breaded or cured meats

Root vegetables like potatoes, carrots and beets

Legumes

Sweeteners

Sweets like candy and chocolate

Some oils: canola, sesame, sunflower

Sweetened drinks

Low-fat dairy items, which often have added sugar

Sweetened sauces and dips like ketchup, barbecue sauce, some salad dressings

For a more comprehensive list of foods you can and can't eat on keto, click here.

Can You Drink Alcohol on the Keto Diet?

While the keto diet does not ban alcohol specifically, alcoholic beverages that contain carbohydrates and more calories, such as beer, cocktails and mixed drinks, should be avoided. However, hard liquors, dry wine and champagne all fall within the guidelines of keto if consumed in moderation. Women shouldn't drink more than one drink per day, while men should stick to no more than two.

Is the Keto Diet Safe?

Some doctors and nutritionists say following a keto diet is considered safe for people who are healthy and eat heart-healthy fats. Studies have shown that it is able to accelerate weight loss in some dieters, reduce seizures in children with epilepsy and improve blood sugar control for patients with Type 2 diabetes. Many who follow a keto plan also noted an improvement on their mental focus.

But restricting one's carbohydrate intake doesn't come without side effects. For some dieters, this restriction can cause "keto flu." Common symptons of the keto flu include fatigue, dehydration, brain fog, dizziness and insomnia.

Ruth Frechman, a registered dietitian and author of "The Food Is My Friend Diet," told NBC that ketosis is not a "pleasant experience." The rapid weight loss it causes from the burning of fat calories is a result of water loss from muscles. From there, according to Mary Jane Detroyer, a New York-based nutritionist and certified dietitian, the body goes into survival mode, which means that it holds onto fat while losing muscle. When the diet is over and the person goes back to eating normally, their body begins rebuilding muscle, thereby making it much easier gain back the lost weight, Detroyer added.

"In my opinion, Keto is another fad diet setting a person up for failure,” said Frechman. “Who can sustain a diet of 80% fat that was originally meant for child epilepsy? I have had clients on keto, and their cholesterol levels have gone up."

According to Dr. Lisa Young, private practice nutritionist and adjunct professor of nutrition at New York University, most scientists reject the keto diet because it is both too limiting and deprives people of healthy foods.

“It is a poor choice — it eliminates entire food groups along with healthy food choices and nutrients in those groups,” Dr. Young, who has also written "Finally Full, Finally Slim" and "The Portion Teller Plan," told NBC. “[There is] no need to cut all carbs — fruits and whole grains are super healthy.”

To reduce your risk of heart disease and cancer, experts say it is better to eat a balanced diet that also includes fruits, vegetables and whole grains.

"No diets are a good choice," Detroyer told NBC. "We don't need fad diets, we need to be connected to our body and what it tell us. No one can tell you how much to eat, even a dietitian. Only your body can tell you this."

Should You Take MCTs on the Keto Diet?

If you're a follower of the ketogenic diet, than you may have heard the words "MCT oil." MCT, or medium-chain triglyceride, is a type of fatty acid derived primarliy from coconut oil. It is very popular among keto dieters due to its crave-curbing abilities. MCTs pass from the stomach to the liver much faster than other types of fatty acids and are quickly converted into energy, thereby decreasing the likelihood that the body will store it as fat cells while giving the user an instant power boost.

Another commonly used supplement is exogenous ketones, a synthetic type of ketone called beta hydroxybtyrate (BHB), which is created naturally by the body.

According to Michelle Milgrim, a nutritionist at Northwell Health in New Hyde Park, N.Y., these supplements reportedly help propel the body into a state of ketosis and stay there when you eat something that's not keto-friendly. But, Milgrim notes, there is little research on the long-term effects to support these claims.

"Only short-duration studies examining small samples have found that exogenous ketones can help achieve ketosis quicker and may decrease appetite," she told Women's Health magazine.

Jaclyn London, Good Housekeeping nutrition director and author of “Dressing on the Side,” reported that keto diet pills could be harmful to your health. According to London, supplements that contain MCT oil can mess with your digestion and many users experience nausea, vomiting, constipation and diarrhea. These supplements can also negatively impact your metabolism. While they initially help to decrease appetite, they have a reverse effect in the long term and ultimately can increase hunger cravings once the dieter stops taking the pills.

"I do not recommend [these supplements],” Young said. “They may give people external hope but as soon as you stop them, you can regain lost weight. I prefer lifestyle changes that people can sustain — choosing healthy foods, portion control, and exercise."

Photo Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto This story uses functionality that may not work in our app. Click here to open the story in your web browser. Is the Keto Diet Safe? Everything You Need to Know published first on Miami News

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spiderfan22 · 7 years

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DAY TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE - 5/5/17

“UNTITLED FUNERAL PLAY (THRU PAGE 35)” by DJS

I figure there are between 15 and 20 pages left to this thing. I know I feel the end is in sight. Cool.

The scene is the interior of six cars, part of a funeral procession.

The action should be staged as simply and unadorned as possible— perhaps stealing a page from the theatre of Thornton Wilder, eg chairs or benches for car seats, mimed driving, etc. Minimal props and lighting; once the lights come up, they stay up. The company is onstage for the duration of the show.

This includes the sound operator and stage manager (preferably the same person), along with their equipment. They should have a small station in full view of the audience.

There is an inherent challenge in this approach in that actors— even when they’re not the primary focus of a scene— must remain “on” at all times, filling every moment with real life, even if that just means breathing.

The actors are all dressed in black funeral attire.

Characters (by car – *indicates the driver)

#1- Margaret (50s, funeral director) / Glenn* (her step-son, funeral attendant)

#2- Jim (70s, the widower) / Eric* (his elder son) / Mindy (Eric’s wife)

#3- Beth* (Jim’s daughter) / Doug (Beth’s husband) / Kenzie (their 16 year old daughter) / Ry (Eric and Mindy’s 19 year old son)

#4- Andy* (Jim’s younger son) / Kelly (Andy’s wife) / Carter (their 15 year old son) / Clay (their 12 year old son)

#5- Wade* (Jim’s younger brother) / Ellen (Wade’s wife) / John (Jim’s older brother) / Bailey (John’s young wife)

#6- Nita (the deceased’s sister) / Pammy* (Nita’s daughter)

Organ music. Church bells toll. The funeral service has just let out. The company enter to their respective cars.

Margaret waits in the passenger seat of #1. She wears reading glasses, consulting a clipboard.

After a few moments, Glenn hustles over and gets behind the wheel.

MARGARET We all set back there?

GLENN Almost, yeah.

MARGARET People got their flags?

GLENN Yep, all the cars got at least one, with the last vehicle making sure to have two.

MARGARET What about our escort?

GLENN Ready to go. They sent us Officer Daniels again which is nice since he knows the route. The other guy I’m less familiar with, I think he might be new.

MARGARET Just as long as Daniels takes the lead.

He is taking the lead, correct?

GLENN Oh yeah. I mean yes.

MARGARET And you reminded everyone about their hazards – to make sure they’re on?

GLENN I did.

MARGARET What about headlights?

Slight beat

GLENN Oh. Shoot.

MARGARET You didn’t remind them to turn on their headlights?

GLENN Well I thought because it’s the middle of the day on a perfectly sunny day –

MARGARET Doesn’t matter. It’s a law, Glenn.

GLENN Yes.

MARGARET You better run and tell everyone now before Officer Daniels realizes and we end up wasting even more time.

GLENN Yes, I –

OK.

MARGARET The last thing we need is a lecture that we don’t know how to conduct our business. Or a bad Yelp review.

GLENN Right.

MARGARET So make it fast.

Glenn nods. Over the next bit, he will go from car to car telling the rest of the drivers to turn on their headlights.

Pammy struggles to load Nita’s collapsible walker into the backseat of #6.

NITA Pammy…

PAMMY What is it, Mom?

NITA I think… I think I left it. I think I forgot it.

PAMMY Forgot what?

NITA My purse. Is it in the backseat with you? Did you grab it?

PAMMY No I didn’t grab your purse. It’s your purse. You think you left it inside, in the church?

NITA Well that’s the only place that makes sense. I mean I had it earlier.

PAMMY Well they’re about to – I mean we’re about to get going here –

NITA Pammy I can’t leave my purse, it’s got all my prescriptions, I’m gonna need to take ‘em at lunch –

PAMMY Mom –

NITA And we’re one of the last cars. If you hurry –

I need my pills Pammy, now you know that. Maybe you can explain it to the guy, the one who’s organizing everything, I just saw him get out of his – the hearse up there. Maybe there’s a holdup for some reason and you actually have time.

PAMMY Fine.

NITA Ohh thank you, Pammy, thank you.

PAMMY Don’t thank me. I mean you gotta have your pills, right?

Pammy starts to exit

NITA You know, he’s cute.

PAMMY What?

NITA The guy. The one they got driving – the attendant, whatever he’s called.

PAMMY You mean the guy that works for the funeral home?

NITA Yeah, did you see him?

Slight beat

PAMMY He’s an undertaker.

NITA You don’t know that, you don’t know if he actually works on the bodies. Maybe he just helps with the flower arrangements, and the guest book and stuff.

PAMMY Mom I’m gay.

NITA You had a girlfriend for a couple years after college, that’s not the same thing.

A pause. Then Pammy shuts the door on her mother and exits.

In #2

JIM You didn’t have to sit back there, Mindy.

MINDY Oh it’s fine, Jim, don’t worry about it.

JIM You got enough leg room? I can move my seat forward –

ERIC She’s fine, Dad.

JIM Wait a minute – where’s what’s his name? Ryan.

ERIC He’s riding with Beth and Doug.

JIM How come?

ERIC Well, so you’d have some more privacy.

JIM Oh, because I’m gonna start crying? Don’t want the kid to see me balling my eyes out?

ERIC It’s not like that Dad –

JIM You’re trying to manage me.

ERIC Dad that’s not –

JIM Everyone today has got their kid gloves on with me and I wish they would just stop. Like your brother –

MINDY No one is trying to manage you, Jim –

JIM Your brother: did you see what he did? Did you see the shit he tried to pull – as we were going up the stairs he takes my arm. Just grabs me by the elbow. Like I can’t walk up four steps, like I’m gonna fall.

ERIC Yeah.

JIM My wife died, I didn’t lose all sense of gravity.

MINDY Everyone’s just trying to help, Jim. People want to be there for you.

JIM I just don’t need my fucking hand held, that’s all.

Beat

So are we getting this show on the road or what?

In #5, the women are in the backseat.

ELLEN Wasn’t it just a lovely service? Somber without being too morose, you know? Didn’t you think, Wade?

WADE Best one we been to this month.

ELLEN Oh please don’t joke like that.

BAILEY Do you guys really go to a lot of a funerals?

ELLEN Well we do have our share, I’m sad to say. As times goes by, more and more –

BAILEY Hey John.

JOHN Yeah what is it, cutie?

BAILEY How come you don’t go to more funerals?

JOHN I dunno. They probably forget I’m still alive so don’t invite me.

WADE You are getting up there, kid.

ELLEN Speaking of which, how’s your heart been John? Are you still taking the Plavix was it?

John nods.

ELLEN Yeah? What do you they have you on for your blood pressure then – anything? Wade’s still doing the Enduron twice a day. It’s only a diuretic because they say it’s only so elevated his blood pressure, not in the real danger area yet.

WADE Except it’s got me pissing like a damn racehorse. I’m talking I’m up three-four times a night –

JOHN Bailey knows. She keeps track of all that stuff for me now.

WADE Girl’s a godsend. I’m telling you John, you’re lucky to have her.

JOHN Think I don’t know that?

Bailey digs in her large bag, taking out several prescription pill bottles and reading the labels

BAILEY Let’s see, what do we got. Metformin, Celebrex, Levitra…

JOHN Walking around with a pharmacy in her purse all because of my old ass.

ELLEN Oh now don’t say that John, I’m sure she doesn’t mind too much.

JOHN God I hope not. I’d be lost without her. No worse – dead. Dead and buried if it wasn’t for my little sugar cookie here.

(To Bailey) Isn’t that right?

He reaches back and pats Bailey’s thigh. She takes his hand and squeezes it while still scanning pill bottles.

WADE Keeps you young.

JOHN That’s the idea.

BAILEY (proudly) Here we go: Inderal. “To relieve hypertension.”

Pammy enters with Nita’s purse, crossing paths with Glenn on the way back to her car.

PAMMY Oh. Is something wrong?

GLENN No I just forgot to tell everyone to turn on their regular lights too— uhh, headlights.

PAMMY Oh. OK thanks.

GLENN Safety precaution. It’s actually the law.

PAMMY I will then, thank you.

He goes. She gets back in her car, shoving the purse at Nita, who smiles.

NITA What was that?

PAMMY Nothing. Shut up.

In #3, Kenzie is crying. Doug coughs into a tissue.

BETH I really don’t know what the holdup is. We should be getting going any minute now, least that’s what the guy said.

Slight pause

Hey, you did good today, Ry.

RY What do you mean? Oh the speech?

BETH The eulogy, yes, thank you, you didn’t have to. It was very sweet. I think your grandma would have liked it.

RY It was weird. I was surprised when Dad asked me.

BETH My idea. I know you fancy yourself a writer, so… Plus you did that speech and debate stuff in high school. It was very eloquent – you were, that is.

(To Doug) Don’t you think, honey?

DOUG Yeah and you kept it short which was nice.

He blows his nose as Beth shoots him an irritated glance.

KENZIE Was it your idea to include the Berenstain Bears stuff?

RY What? Oh, yeah.

KENZIE Because Grandma would always read them to us, right?

RY Yeah.

KENZIE She had the whole collection.

RY A bunch, yeah.

KENZIE I liked that, that you quoted that.

RY Oh good. Thanks –

KENZIE I’m missing a big softball tournament for this but I don’t care.

RY Sorry.

KENZIE Who do you think is going to get those books?

RY What?

KENZIE If anything they should get split up between us grandkids.

RY Sure –

KENZIE But maybe not Carter and Clay because they didn’t really – they weren’t really a part of that, you know? I mean whenever they went over to Grandma and Grandpa’s they just wanted to play their DS’s or watch stupid shows on Cartoon Network, and even when Grandma would offer – so the books mean way more to us than them.

There is the blurt of a police siren; a signal that the procession is about to begin.

RY Yeah –

KENZIE So we’re on the same page?

RY I – I guess.

KENZIE Mom?

BETH Yes what sweetie? I think we’re about to get started here.

KENZIE Mom, have you even been listening to our conversation?

BETH I think so. You were talking about some books –

KENZIE Grandma’s collection of Berenstain Bear books. Ry and I think they should go to us.

BETH OK –

KENZIE So if it comes up, or if there’s a problem with Carter and Clay for some reason where they say they want them, you won’t let it happen?

BETH I don’t know sweetie. That’s not really where my head’s at today.

KENZIE You don’t think it’s important?

BETH Well there’s a lot happening...

KENZIE Dad.

DOUG (who’s dozed off) Hm? What?

KENZIE Grandma’s collection of Berenstain bear books – you remember?

DOUG Uh. Kind of. Why?

KENZIE Ryan and I want them.

DOUG OK. I’m sure you can, I’m sure that won’t be a – I mean your grandfather’s not gonna care –

BETH Can we just please everyone discuss this at another time please? That’s my mom in the back of the hearse up there and I’m getting ready to put her in the ground, so if it’s all the same…

Silence.

The procession begins. Beth puts the car in drive.

In #4

CLAY Hey Mom can you plug my phone in?

KELLY How much power does it have left? Because I have to charge mine.

CLAY 13 percent.

KELLY Let me charge mine a little then I’ll do yours.

CLAY But what if it dies while we’re out at the cemetery?

ANDY You don’t need to have your phone out at the cemetery – you won’t. And we’re already over our data for the month anyway.

CARTER No wonder nothing was loading on Youtube.

CLAY How long till we get to the cemetery?

KELLY (whilst texting, to Andy) Half an hour, right?

ANDY Closer to 45 minutes.

KELLY I remember when you were little and we’d be on long car trips, we’d always give the time to you based on Power Rangers episodes. So if it was two hours away wherever our destination was, it’d be (Sing-song) “Just four Power Rangers left till we get there! Hold on!”

Beat. Carter hits the button to lower his window a few inches.

ANDY Hey, put that back up.

CARTER Why? It’s hot.

ANDY Because it doesn’t look good. This is a funeral procession, it’s serious. Nobody wants to see one of the car’s windows rolled down.

CARTER Who’s nobody?

ANDY Nobody on the street watching.

CARTER But I’m hot.

ANDY Wait for the AC.

He hits the button, raising Carter’s window. Slight pause. Then Carter lowers the window again.

CARTER The air conditioning’s busted, it hasn’t worked since last summer –

Andy raises the window.

ANDY What is your problem listening right now??

CARTER Because I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this!

KELLY (overlapping them) I think we’re all just a little oversensitive right now not to mention tired because we had to get up so early to drive over this morning, hmmm? so let’s try to keep that in mind and have just a bit more patience with other OK? – Andy? Carter? – I think we’re also probably hungry but that will have to wait obviously, though I might have a granola bar in my bag now that I’m thinking of it.

Carter grunts then goes silent. After a beat.

CLAY Mom can I charge my phone now?

Margaret looks up from her clipboard to the road.

MARGARET You’re not keeping up.

GLENN Huh?

MARGARET The police officer, don’t you see, he’s signaling you to go faster.

GLENN Oh shit. OK.

He speeds up.

MARGARET But keep it under 35. Least till we’re on the highway.

GLENN Gotcha.

MARGARET And don’t swear, Glenn.

She motions vaguely towards the rear of the hearse, meaning the casket.

GLENN Right. Yeah. Sorry.

Can I tell you? It’s still weird for me to drive through a red light.

ERIC (to Jim) Weird to drive straight through a red light, isn’t it?

GLENN Feel like I’m breaking the law.

MARGARET What the escort’s for.

MINDY All I know is I wish I had this on my morning commute every day.

JIM How long’s it take you to get to work?

MINDY An hour. 45 minutes on a good day.

JIM Jesus Christ – how do you people live over there on the west side of the state takes you forever to get anywhere?

ERIC Well, they’re putting in lightrail now so that should help alleviate some –

JIM Is that like a monorail thing?

ERIC A train. It goes both above and below ground.

JIM Yeah? And how much is that costing the taxpayer?

ERIC Well it was voted on, Dad. The county voted for it so – And traffic’s a real problem as Mindy was saying –

JIM You see, that’s why I could never live in a big city. Just too much, too crazy.

ERIC Well we like it.

JIM That’s good for you. I wouldn’t.

Another police siren blurt, like a warning. Kenzie watches out the window.

KENZIE Everybody’s staring at us. People on the sidewalk.

BETH Well, yeah.

KENZIE It’s weird. I don’t like it.

BETH Why don’t you close your eyes for a little while then sweetie, rest, you must be tired.

Pause

KENZIE I can’t. I’m worried about how the game’s going.

(To Ry) I had a big softball tournament this weekend that I had to miss.

RY You told me.

KENZIE Oh.

What do you think, Dad, do you think we’re up?

DOUG Depends. I forget, who did they have you guys pitted against in the first round?

KENZIE Kelso.

DOUG Oh you girls should walk away with it then; their offense just hasn’t been able to get it going so far this year.

KENZIE Who do you think started?

DOUG Sarah I’d imagine. I mean since you weren’t there, Coach probably had to go with Sarah –

KENZIE But that’s not really fair then. She shouldn’t get the win just because Kelso can’t hit and make her look good. Coach will get the wrong impression.

DOUG (to Ry) You might have missed it, Ry, but our Kenzie is in something of a competition with this Sarah girl.

KENZIE No I’m not. She sucks. I am so much better of a pitcher than her –

BETH Stop that, Kenzie. I will not have you talking negative about one of your own teammates.

KENZIE But she talks shit about me all the time! She told everyone I was in love with Derek Page when all I said is I didn’t care if he asked me to Homecoming or not!

BETH Well if she did that then she’s rude –

KENZIE She did do that. You don’t believe me??

BETH Of course we believe you. But you still don’t get to attack a person just because you both play the same position in a sport.

DOUG Plus if you think about it… (Starts to go into a coughing fit but wants to make his point.) If you think about it Mac, Coach needs all the solid starters he can get going into playoffs. I mean it’s not like… not like she’s taking your glove away from you. Sorry.

He is coughing so hard he barely gets this last line out. Kenzie is on the verge of tears again.

Bailey is texting on her phone. Ellen watches her.

ELLEN (to Bailey) So, do you two have to rush off back home or can we get you stay a few more days with us? It’s always nice to have John for a visit.

JOHN No we gotta get back. Bailey has a meeting on Monday.

ELLEN (to Bailey) Oh I didn’t know you were working, dear.

BAILEY I’m not. John’s just trying to be nice and sugarcoat. It’s an N.A. thing. You know, Narcotics Anonymous?

Slight beat

ELLEN Ohhh…

All right.

BAILEY Sorry, did I just freak you out?

ELLEN No. No, not at all –

BAILEY Because you look freaked out.

ELLEN No it’s just… surprising, dear, that’s all. I mean I never would have guessed it. You seem so together.

BAILEY Well I am, now.

ELLEN Right. Right.

And how does John feel about all this?

JOHN If you want to know, ask him.

ELLEN Sorry, John.

John sniffs in a matter-of-fact way.

JOHN She had problem – now she doesn’t anymore. End of story.

(To Bailey) Right, cupcake?

Bailey smiles at him sweetly, then goes back to her phone.

WADE Ellie come on, it’s not your business.

ELLEN No I’m, I’m just asking questions. I mean it’s good news, right?

(To Bailey) In fact we’re just so glad you made it out the other side, dear. I’ve heard how those things can be, they can be truly awful, a real nightmare scenario, and you know some people never make it out. There was a story just the other night we saw on the news – do you remember, Wade? – where they busted, this special task force they took down this whole drug distribution ring – well you know how the gangs are around here, how bad it’s gotten – but they had video of just these kids they looked so young, younger than you even, like our grandkids age – who you look at them and it just breaks your heart because you know they were probably a good kid once upon a time – and now they’ve got into this drug stuff and they’re going to jail and their lives are just ruined. Well it’s inexplicable to me. You just thank your stars you were one of the lucky ones, dear, because I’ve seen some of the statistics. It’s a real epidemic around here now.

Slight pause

So how long have you been sober? Do they call it that, “sober”, when it’s drugs or do they call it something else? “Clean” right?

BAILEY (overlapping) Sober’s fine – clean, yeah. Five months.

ELLEN Just five months. Huh.

She does the math in her head

So – sorry – at the family reunion last year you were, you…

WADE Oh would you give it a rest, Ellie. Stop brow-beating the poor girl.

ELLEN I’m not. Besides she said she was fine discussing it.

(To Bailey) Didn’t you?

BAILEY No, umm actually. But yeah, I don’t mind. It’s like in the program they really stress the importance of honesty, you know, so I try to, like, live that philosophy in my every day.

ELLEN I could see where that’d be a rule, yes.

Can I ask you what it was then? I mean was there one particular thing you gravitated towards or…?

WADE (Oh for Pete’s sake…)

BAILEY What was my poison?

Ellen points to her nose like in Charades, then points to Bailey for her to continue.

Pills. Different painkillers mostly. Not that I haven’t done my fair share of other substances but I was never addicted to any of them. But with Oxycodone, Vicodin stuff like that I could just go and go, and it’s always more and more because you can’t stay at for instance six a day, because after awhile six stops doing anything, you don’t feel it anymore, so you increase to ten, then twelve, fourteen, on and just – God, I don’t even want to tell you how many I was up to when I was at my peak, you know my worst?

ELLEN Oh my.

BAILEY And it’s funny you mention the family reunion thing because I would guess you had no idea something was going on. Nothing up with Bailey, right?

ELLEN Mm.

BAILEY But that’s how it is. You get to a point where it’s all just maintaining. You don’t even get high anymore – or not as high, you still get a little. But really it’s just so you can get out of bed in the morning, eat food, go to the store, without feeling like shit – because otherwise you stop taking the pills you instantly start going into withdrawals. That’s why it pisses addicts off so much when people say, Well just stop doing it. “No I’m sorry, I don’t want to die.”

Ellen stares at her for a moment. Then she pats Bailey’s hand.

ELLEN Well you’ve certainly been through the ringer, haven’t you dear? Hasn’t she, Wade?

WADE Sounds like it.

ELLEN And we’re just so happy you’re all better now, even though we’re finding out about it after the fact.

Nita is struggling to open a bottle of water.

NITA Pammy, do me a favor. I can’t get this.

PAMMY What?

NITA This water. There’s a little ring like a tab you have to pull and with my arthritis I can’t…

PAMMY Um yeah. OK uhhh. Take the wheel for a second then?

NITA You can’t just do it, I have to drive for you?

PAMMY Well I’m gonna need both hands, Mom.

NITA Oh jeez. Alright. But you know what my confidence is like behind the wheel. Your dad always did the driving for us, I mean if we were going anywhere far, not to the post office like, but –

PAMMY Just keep us going straight and you’ll be fine. It’s not that big of deal.

Nita takes the steering wheel apprehensively with one hand while Pammy opens the bottle of water. The job is trickier and takes longer than she thought but she eventually cracks it.

At which point the car swerves to the right.

Nita shrieks. Pammy quickly grabs hold of the wheel again, spilling water down the front of her dress.

Other characters see this happen in their mirrors and react:

WADE Whoa! Did you see that??

ANDY Nearly drove into the ditch.

BETH Who is that? Is that Pammy back there?

KELLY Wait, what happened??

The whole thing is over very fast. After regaining control of the vehicle, Pammy turns on her mother.

PAMMY Are you fucking kidding me?? Mom you just almost ran us off the road! My dress…

NITA (overlapping) Oh God! Oh God I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Pammy; don’t swear, I just… my hand slipped for a second and –

PAMMY Soaked, completely.

NITA Not to worry, we’ll get you fixed up in no time. Here, I think there are some napkins leftover in the glovebox from when we stopped at Crispy Cream that time. I remember I was smart I saved them.

She uses napkins to pat down Pammy’s dress. After a few seconds of this, Pammy snaps at her.

PAMMY OK would you stop?? Seriously, leave it, please. I’m good, I’ll air-dry, whatever. Just – take your damn water back.

There’s a pause.

NITA Do you want me to turn on the heater? That might get you dry faster –

She is reaching for the dial.

PAMMY No, then it’ll just be hot.

And it’s hot enough already.

Nita takes a long drink of water, casual again.

NITA Oh I know. Can you believe it’s almost June? Another couple weeks.

PAMMY (sighs) Yeah.

Andy is still glancing at his driver’s side mirror in concern.

KELLY So wait, what happened again?

ANDY Nothing. Looks like Pammy just lost control of the car for a second.

KELLY Well, why’d she do that? Are they alright?

ANDY How should I know? You can ask her when we get there.

Checks mirror again

Looks like they’re fine now.

KELLY God I hope so.

CARTER Yeah it’d be nice to make it to the cemetery with only one dead body.

Silence. The only one who didn’t catch that was Clay, preoccupied with a game on his phone.

That was a joke.

KELLY A not funny one.

CARTER I know, I’m sorry.

KELLY What made you say that?

CARTER I just thought of it.

KELLY Well you should apologize to your father.

CARTER I did, I said I was sorry.

KELLY This is hard on all of us but him especially.

CARTER I know.

CLAY Hold on, what did Carter do?

KELLY He needs our support right now. And Grandpa. And your Aunt Beth and your Uncle Eric.

ANDY Oh like he even cares.

KELLY What? Your brother?

ANDY No.

Motions to Carter in the backseat

Him. His attitude has sucked all day. First he refused to get out of bed this morning –

CARTER Because I was tired –

ANDY Making us late, putting us behind –

CARTER Mom I told you I couldn’t get to sleep, I’ve been having problems –

ANDY Then when we stopped for breakfast nothing on the menu looks good to him, he’s Mister Choosy all of a sudden –

KELLY Andy, I don’t think that’s entirely –

ANDY Then just to double down on everything I guess, because why not while you’re at it, he starts an argument with me over a window!

CARTER You know you can talk to me Dad, I’m right here.

ANDY So I say let him. Let him if he wants to be a little shit. This can be a lesson. He can learn all about regret, and having regrets, and looking back on how he acted today of all days and realizing he can’t do anything about it, to change that. He only cared about himself.

And I wish Carter, I wish you could feel that sting now, that you didn’t have to wait ohhh ten twenty thirty years for it to hit you, to come around, to bite you in the ass. I just hope I live to see it.

CARTER That’s not what I’m doing.

ANDY Keep telling yourself that. See how far it gets you.

Beat. Then Carter punches the back of Andy’s seat. Andy flinches but makes no other reaction.

KELLY Carter!!

CLAY Aagh!!

Glenn slows down to make the big turn onto the highway.

The police sirens go on for a good minute now as the rest of the procession merges onto the highway. The cars accelerate.

JIM So I’m selling the house.

ERIC What??

JIM Yeah, got a buyer all lined up. Young couple just had their first kid. They want to do some remodeling, think the kitchen, the bathrooms all could use an overhaul, bring everything up to date.

Off their looks

Well you know your mother and I had been talking about it for years, it was no secret. That was always the plan. We were supposed to do it after I retired. It’s too big, too much property, upkeep, and now for one person, it doesn’t make sense. So we’re signing the contracts next week.

MINDY Just like that?

JIM You make it sound like it’s this involved process. The truth is I put the listing up on a Monday and by that Friday I had three offers on the table. Not that I didn’t have a few questions. Like I wasn’t sure what to value it at. I’d had a guy out to appraise it but the figure he came up with didn’t seem quite right to me. So I talked to your sister about it. She has a friend who’s a realtor, smart gal –

ERIC Beth knew?

JIM Now don’t go blaming her. I was the one told her to keep her mouth shut at least till we were further down the line, because I knew you’d object.

Was I wrong?

ERIC Of course you weren’t wrong. But this is not just your decision to make.

JIM Yes it is.

Slight pause

You both look at me like I’m crazy when this has always been the plan. Even when your mother was still alive, when she went into the hospital. You don’t think I wasn’t consulting her? That she wasn’t with me every step of the way on this?

Now I won’t lie and say we agreed on the timeline. She wanted to wait till the grandkids were out of school, had graduated and moved on to college, and that was the plan until she got sick. Then we changed the plan. Because you know our savings are fine, I got more than enough to live on the next however many years, whatever route I end up taking I don’t know yet. So with the profits from the sale of the house, we just figured we’d split ‘em four ways, between the four kids. The four grandkids. Help em pay for college. Or help em just get going.

That was your mother’s wish, Eric.

ERIC And that’s great, Dad. But it could have waited a few more years, right, til everything’s more… settled. Why did it have to be now?

JIM Because. On top of everything, the money, I’m not really interested in the house anymore.

MINDY Sorry Jim, just to clarify: Are we just talking about maintenance and stuff, taking care of the lawn? Because we can totally hire someone, a landscaping team you know to come out if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

JIM Not feeling overwhelmed. Just done.

MINDY But the house. Back me up here, Eric. All the memories. Not that we were under any delusion you would hold onto it forever, but we all moved around so much to where that house was the one constant, like a second home. I know for Ry [it was]… I mean I can’t even count the number of sleepovers. And Christmases, Christmas Eve we always spend over – Easter…

JIM I know. They’ll miss their grandma.

MINDY And you Jim.

Jim makes a small dismissive gesture or sound.

ERIC What?

JIM No, I just know. I know how it’s gonna be going forward, and I get it.

ERIC How what’s gonna be? Dad…

JIM Please Eric c’mon. We all know who the draw was. They weren’t coming for me.

ERIC You mean Mom.

Jim shrugs.

JIM Not that it was ever a popularity contest, and I was never bitter – but.

I’m the grump. I’m the one that told them no. To stay out of my shed. Who smokes so it’s hard to spend much time around. Or who if they asked for money would tell them to go out and start pulling weeds. Whereas Sally would just… open her purse.

Nita begins to cry softly.

Let them eat ice cream sandwiches for lunch. Take them to the water park in the summer or the movies, anywhere they wanted to go. If it was in her power, if she had a nickel left in her pocket…

PAMMY Mom…

JIM And why shouldn’t she? Those kids don’t deserve it? Of course they do. And grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids anyway. That’s the rule at least. But it never came natural to me. Even something simple like a hug. If you notice me I always shake the boys’ hands – a good firm grip. And Kenzie being the only girl it’s one of those quick hip-hug side things. And I let her make the first move.

You really think they’re gonna wanna keep coming around for that?

They’ll miss their grandma. That’s the end of it.

There is a silence.

Glenn absentmindedly hits his turn signal.

MARGARET What –

GLENN Sorry. Sorry. Accident.

He slaps the turn signal off again.

A pause.

Margaret looks over at Glenn, driving very carefully now.

Ry is staring out the window at the passing countryside. Beth glances at him in the rearview.

MARGARET (removing her glasses) So how’s school going?

BETH So how’s school going, Ry?

RY What?

GLENN Oh. Not bad…

RY School? Yeah. Pretty good, I guess.

BETH Keeping you busy are they?

RY For the most part.

MARGARET Because I never really see you doing homework that’s all.

Slight pause.

BETH Is there a lot of reading?

GLENN Uhp. Well –

RY Yeah, that’s primarily what the courcework uhh, consists of mainly.

MARGARET I mean they must still give out homework, even at the community college level don’t they?

GLENN They do, they – yeah. It’s just a lot of it is online.

BETH Well you should warn your cousin so she gets better in the habit.

Did you hear that, Kenzie?

KENZIE Mom I read all the time. I just do it after you go to bed so you don’t know.

GLENN And the hours at the parlor with everything going on there’s never time between things so I have to catch up… catch up at night. You – you’re usually asleep by then.

MARGARET Oh so that’s the reason. Convenient.

Before Glenn can say yes

MARGARET But it doesn’t explain why you never tell me your grades either.

Slight pause

GLENN No.

MARGARET So why’s that?

GLENN Well… because they’re not really where I want ‘em to be.

MARGARET Are we talking C’s? D’s?

GLENN Some C’s –

MARGARET But you’re not failing. (?)

Slight pause

GLENN No.

No.

MARGARET Good.

GLENN Yeah.

MARGARET Because you know what I think. I thought you shoulda quit after getting your GED.

Slight beat

GLENN Yeah.

MARGARET Not that I don’t get why that was important – it meant something, a status thing. But you have a job. A good job. You have a whole business one day if you can prove yourself capable of running it – take over for me.

GLENN Yeah. Thank you.

But Dad, he wanted –

MARGARET I know what your father wanted. We argued about it. He wanted you to continue with school, eventually even transfer to a four-year. And it was his money, so…

But is that really realistic?

I mean wouldn’t it be so much less of a hassle not having to worry?

No response. Putting her reading glasses back on

Anyway, food for thought.

Margaret is business-like again. Glenn nodding vaguely

GLENN (barely audible) Mm-hmm.

Doug has fallen asleep and snores because of his stuffy nose.

KENZIE I read. I read all the time.

BETH I know sweetie, I never meant to imply you didn’t.

KENZIE I just finished the whole Divergent series. And I read the Hunger Games and all the Harry Potters.

I just don’t like doing the reading for school sometimes because of the books they make us read. They’re boring. Like Huckleberry Finn.

RY You didn’t like Huckleberry Finn?

KENZIE Everything’s about the stupid “river, the river”.

And did you know that’s not even his real name? It’s a pen name.

It takes Ry a second to put that together.

RY Mark Twain.

KENZIE Yeah. It’s like a boat measurement they use, the depth of the water.

Doesn’t make sense. Why would somebody go to all that work of writing a book then not put their real name on it? Wouldn’t they want people to know it’s them?

Nita sniffs. Stops crying.

NITA She was my sister.

PAMMY I know Mom, it’s ok.

Beat. Then Nita has a realization.

NITA Oh God Pammy, I just thought of it. Is it going to be so awful one day when I’m gone? Are you gonna hate me?

Pammy gives her a confused look.

Because you don’t have any brothers or sisters. Not that we didn’t try, we wanted another but luck wasn’t…

But once I’m gone you’ll be all alone and that kills me. It does.

PAMMY I don’t know. I never thought of it.

NITA At least Eric and Beth, and Andy, you know, they’ll have each other for support. When Jim passes. Knock on wood.

PAMMY Yeah that’s… it’s gotta be a comfort.

NITA More reason for you to find someone.

And I don’t care. If it’s another woman, fine. Be a lesbian. Just don’t end up alone.

Long pause.

So, do you… Are there any prospects? Anything on the horizon?

No response. Pammy doesn’t make eye contact.

John whistles quietly to himself, staring out the window. Bailey texting.

ELLEN She was a real class act wasn’t she?

Wade?

Slight pause:

WADE Oh – you mean Sally. Yeah. Yeah she was.

ELLEN So dear. Loved those grandkids of hers to pieces. Spoiled em rotten.

(To Bailey) Well it’s what we grandmas do best – what we’re known best for, isn’t it?

Bailey smiles.

And – ohhhh. Remember the summers we’d spend up at Twin Lakes, the six of us? John, you and Celia’s cabin?

WADE (to John) Some of the best fishing of my life, buddy. Take the boat out on the lake and just troll. Rake in those rainbow trout.

JOHN Yep.

BAILEY Cabin? What cabin?

JOHN Oh I sold it years ago, cookie. Years.

BAILEY That’s too bad. Sounds fun.

ELLEN It was, it was. The boys would spend all day out on the lake, drinking, you know telling dirty jokes –

WADE Now Ellen you know that’s not true. We kept it mostly clean, Bailey –

ELLEN - telling their little jokes at any rate; while us girls, we’d spend it sunbathing, try and get a tan –

WADE Try to not burn is more like it.

ELLEN (ignoring him) While it away, gossiping. Not that we had anything much to gossip about. And if the mood struck us, whip up a batch of margaritas to cool off.

WADE Like you needed an excuse.

ELLEN (continuing) Mind you this is back before any of us had kids –

WADE Those girls were much worse than us if you want to know the truth. At least what we wasted our time on we were providing dinner.

ELLEN And who made that dinner?

Wade rolls his eyes.

Anyway, I miss it, I really do those days. The craziest thing Wade and I do now is take the bus up to the casino every couple months with the rest of the old fogies. And I never found losing money too exciting, though he seems perfectly happy. (meaning Wade) And the buffet’s nice.

BAILEY Have you guys ever done Vegas?

ELLEN No. But we’ve been all around Reno, Lake Tahoe, that area. And Lincoln City on the Oregon coast?

Bailey indicates a familiarity whether she’s heard of Lincoln City or not.

In #4 the mood is still tense. Clay pauses the game on his phone. Looks up. He looks from family member to family member.

CLAY So what are we doing after?

KELLY After, sweetie?

CLAY After they bury her or whatever, yeah – Grandma.

KELLY Well she’s not being buried. She’s being interred.

CLAY What’s that?

KELLY Uhm. It’s when they put your body in a mausoleum.

She sees that Clay does not know what a mausoleum is.

In a building on the cemetery grounds – but not in the ground.

CLAY Oh. Weird.

KELLY It was her choice. Your grandpa will be interred there too when he passes. Right next to her. So you see it’s not that weird compared to a normal grave. Or burial I mean.

Clay thinks for a moment, remembering.

CLAY But Grandpa told me one time he wanted to be cremated.

KELLY What?

CLAY That’s where they burn you, right? And just your ashes left? Because that’s what he said he wanted.

KELLY When did he tell you this?

CLAY I don’t know. Sometime.

KELLY Well then he must have changed his mind, or he was joking, because he’s going to be interred with Grandma Sally – or next to at any rate.

(To Andy) He hasn’t told you different has he?

ANDY No.

KELLY I didn’t think so.

Pause.

CLAY Hey Mom.

KELLY Yes what Clay?

CLAY I was just wondering, do you know what you and dad want to do?

Slight pause

KELLY You mean about…?

CLAY Yeah. Do you guys have like a will ready to go and stuff?

KELLY Well… no, not exactly…

CLAY Why? Why not?

KELLY Because… (glances at Andy) I guess we haven’t crossed that bridge yet.

CLAY But are you leaning more towards getting cremated like Grandpa –

KELLY For the last time your grandfather is not being cremated –

CLAY (overlap) – or… sorry – or doing the above ground, moss-oleum thing?

CARTER You could also be shot into space or buried at sea.

Beat. Clay looks at Carter.

CLAY Space?? Really??

CARTER (nonchalant) Your ashes anyway.

Clay is floored. Back to his parents:

CLAY OK that’s what I want.

Wade is tapping out a beat on the steering wheel.

JOHN Headed back to Jim’s after this aren’t we?

WADE That is the plan.

JOHN Gonna be something to eat, right?

WADE From what I understand, they got the whole thing catered.

ELLEN Mindy said a pasta bar.

JOHN Good, I’m starving.

ELLEN Yeah, you hungry John?

John gives a small nod.

That’s good. Keep up your appetite.

BAILEY Oh he eats all the time.

With a snort, Doug wakes up.

DOUG Mmmmmmm’re we there?

BETH Twenty minutes.

DOUG I fell asleep.

BETH You’ve been sick.

DOUG (to Ry) Head cold. Can’t shake it. It’s been over a week.

BETH I told you you should have gone in to see Doctor Keith –

DOUG Why? If it’s just a cold…

BETH (over) I mean how many bottles of Dayquil have you gone through already?

DOUG I don’t know…

KENZIE Dad can’t swallow pills.

DOUG I’m just not good at it. It’s psychological – a psychological thing. I think I’m gonna choke.

KENZIE You need to relax Dad.

RY Yeah sometimes I have a hard time too. Taking pills.

DOUG It’s a mental thing.

BETH The doctor prescribed him an antibiotic once and he had to ask for it in a suspension.

RY That sucks. I’m sorry.

DOUG I just don’t know why they can’t make them taste good is all. Like Dayquil, Nyquil. I mean does it have to taste like black licorice of all things? Add some more chemicals, whatever you have to do I don’t care, whatever so it doesn’t taste so bad.

(To Ry) Black licorice, am I right?

RY Nyquil? Yeah.

Doug looks at Beth as if making a point.

DOUG See what I told you? Gross.

Jim has been lost in thought. He turns to Eric and Mindy now.

JIM Hey I don’t think I ever thanked you guys for taking care of so much of the planning for this. The food and everything.

ERIC It was no problem Dad.

Slight pause

JIM And that’s all set up?

MINDY Back at the house yeah. The caterers, they should be setting up as we speak.

JIM How they get in?

MINDY Oh. Meryl volunteered to let them in.

JIM Meryl did?

MINDY To stay behind – or to go back right after the service. She said she didn’t mind, she said it was ok she could help.

She’s a good one to have as a neighbor. You’re lucky.

Jimmy is amused by that.

JIM Is she?

He chuckles quietly. Mindy looks at Eric.

ERIC Dad… what…?

JIM Oh if you only knew.

They hated each other.

ERIC What?

MINDY Are you kidding?

JIM Nope.

ERIC Since when?

JIM Years. Twenty, thirty years...

MINDY But I thought they always seemed like such good friends.

JIM Well they’d play nice in front of other people because what else are you going to do? You don’t make a scene, you don’t make a big thing out of it. Especially when you gotta live next to someone your whole life.

ERIC What about you and Ed?

JIM Got along fine. Not chummy but could share a beer. No, it was the women who had the problem.

MINDY Did something happen?

JIM Did it. Yes.

Well you know how your mother would dote on those fucking rose bushes all the time. Her pride and joy – (Sorry, Mindy) and rightfully so. Pruning and getting just the right fertilizer for it. How she’d pack them before winter, dress ‘em, the care she’d take. But bugs were always a concern. Now she’d tried a buncha different pesticides, even mixing a few of her own – homemade, you know, poison free, organic – to varying success. Then Meryl comes along with a spray she swears does the trick – “saved her azaleas last year”, all that. So Sally she goes along, takes the advice, believing her, grateful. Well no reason not to at this point, they were friends, if only neighborly. But I swear to God those roses of hers dried up in a week – like the life was choked out of ‘em. Sally thought it was a mistake at first; they weren’t getting enough water and so on. Then she remembered the previous year, how Meryl’s tulips had shriveled up just the same. Just the same.

Jim lets that sink in with them.

MINDY So you’re saying it – that Meryl sabotaged her?

JIM Was the conclusion Sally came to yes. And true or not, nothing was ever the same between ‘em.

ERIC (slowly) Uh huh.

JIM And you know your mom, normally she was “forgive and forget”. Didn’t hold grudges easy. But with this and Meryl you better believe she made an exception.

Beat.

MINDY Wow. No idea. That just seems so out of character for her.

JIM It was and it wasn’t. Sally had buttons the same as the rest of us, and when they got pushed – watch out.

(To Eric) You kids were probably her biggest one – number one trigger for Mama Bear to come out of hibernation. Heck, she’d defend you even when she knew for a fact you were in the wrong. Like when Andy put his fist through that school window, remember? In the meeting with the principal: (Imitating Sally’s voice) “Well where was the teacher while all this was happening? Who was sposed to be supervising them at the time?” Fast as you can Sally turned it around on the teacher and by extension the school for leaving the kids unattended. They were lucky we weren’t suing; Andy could have cut his arm off, punctured an artery, anything.

(Sally’s voice again)

“We should just be grateful no one got hurt and leave it at that.”

She was something, I’m telling you.

Jim marvels at the memory. Then he frowns.

Pause.

Nice of her to help out though.

ERIC What?

JIM Meryl. She didn’t have to do that.

Margaret is making a note or checking a box on her clipboard. She glances up briefly.

MARGARET The exit.

GLENN Hmm?

MARGARET Exit’s coming up. You don’t want to miss it.

Slight beat.

GLENN I’m following the cop.

MARGARET So?

GLENN So how could I miss the exit when I’m following the cop? Unless I just wasn’t paying attention?

MARGARET You drift.

GLENN What –

MARGARET Attention Deficit Disorder. Your dad told me you were diagnosed as a kid –

GLENN Ok but –

MARGARET That you were on medication for it, Ritalin or one of those.

GLENN Yeah –

MARGARET And all I’m saying is have you thought about getting retested?

Beat. Glenn trying not to glare at Margaret. Then he returns his focus to the road. Hits the right turn signal with probably more force than necessary.

Sirens. One by one, the drivers hit their turn signals and take the off ramp.

BETH Hey Ry.

You ever miss living over in the valley?

RY Uhh. Sometimes.

BETH Not that it really matters now that you’re in college.

RY Yeah –

BETH Though maybe you would have ended up at WSU and not U-dub. Been a Cougar not a Huskie.

RY Mmmmaybe. Yeah.

KENZIE Do you ever go to any games?

RY Uh, I haven’t so far.

BETH What about joining a fraternity? You’re living in the dorms now, right? Have you given it any thought?

RY Well I might get an apartment with my roommate next year –

BETH Living off campus? Your parents are ok with that even though you’ll only be a sophomore?

RY Yeah. I mean we’re talking about it…

BETH I’d just worry about drugs. Pot is so easy to get now that it’s legal – for underage.

Is it a big problem?

RY Ummm. Well I have some friends, I know some people that do it.

BETH In the dorms?

RY Uhhh…

KENZIE Mom you’re totally interrogating him. Stop.

BETH It’s an honest question. I need to know whether to lock you up or not when you turn eighteen.

This line has the effect of breaking the tension. There’s laughter and Ry breathes easier.

KENZIE (to Ry) Can I ask you a question if you don’t mind. Do you want to be a writer when you grow up?

RY I don’t know.

KENZIE What do you like to write?

RY Short stories. Plays.

KENZIE Plays?

RY Yeah.

KENZIE How do you even do that, write a play?

RY Well, they’re mostly dialogue.

KENZIE You mean talking.

How do you know what to have them say though?

RY It… just comes naturally I guess.

BETH That’s amazing, Ry, to have that kind of imagination. I think if I wrote a story or a play I’d have the main character walk into a room, say Hello, and then there would just be silence.

There is a silence.

KENZIE You should write a movie.

To be continued…

#UNTITLED FUNERAL PLAY #on writing #college life #playwriting #interrogation scene

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spiderfan22 · 7 years

Text

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN - 4/18/17

“UNTITLED FUNERAL PLAY (THRU PAGE 20)” by DJS

The work continues. I am starting to realize there is a jump that I reach while writing where the initial inspiration runs out, or is running low, and that’s usually where I want to give up on a project. But I’m not letting myself. The most important thing at this stage in the game - way more important than quality - is forward momentum. And finishing the damn thing. So there.

The scene is the interior of six cars, part of a funeral procession.

This includes the sound operator and stage manager (preferably the same person), along with their equipment. They should have a small station in full view of the audience.

The actors are all dressed in black funeral attire.

Characters (by car – *indicates the driver)

#1- Margaret (50s, funeral director) / Glenn* (her step-son, funeral attendant)

#2- Jim (70s, the widower) / Eric* (his elder son) / Mindy (Eric’s wife)

#3- Beth* (Jim’s daughter) / Doug (Beth’s husband) / Kenzie (their 16 year old daughter) / Ry (Eric and Mindy’s 19 year old son)

#4- Andy* (Jim’s younger son) / Kelly (Andy’s wife) / Carter (their 15 year old son) / Clay (their 12 year old son)

#5- Wade* (Jim’s younger brother) / Ellen (Wade’s wife) / John (Jim’s older brother) / Bailey (John’s young wife)

#6- Nita (the deceased’s sister) / Pammy* (Nita’s daughter)

Organ music. Church bells toll. The funeral service has just let out. The company enter to their respective cars.

Margaret waits in the passenger seat of #1, consulting a clipboard. After a few moments, Glenn hustles over and gets behind the wheel.

MARGARET We all set back there?

GLENN Almost, yeah.

MARGARET People got their flags?

GLENN Yep, all the cars got at least one, with the last vehicle making sure to have two.

MARGARET What about our escort?

GLENN Ready to go. They sent us Officer Daniels again which is nice since he knows the route. The other guy I’m less familiar with, I think he might be new.

MARGARET Just as long as Daniels takes the lead.

He is taking the lead, correct?

GLENN Oh yeah. I mean yes.

MARGARET And you reminded everyone about their hazards – to make sure they’re on?

GLENN I did.

MARGARET What about headlights?

Slight beat

GLENN Oh. Shoot.

MARGARET You didn’t remind them to turn on their headlights?

GLENN Well I thought because it’s the middle of the day on a perfectly sunny day –

MARGARET Doesn’t matter. It’s a law, Glenn.

GLENN Yes.

MARGARET You better run and tell everyone now before Officer Daniels realizes and we end up wasting even more time.

GLENN Yes, I –

OK.

MARGARET The last thing we need is a lecture that we don’t know how to conduct our business. Or a bad Yelp review.

GLENN Right.

MARGARET So make it fast.

Glenn nods. Over the next bit, he will go from car to car telling the rest of the drivers to turn on their headlights.

Pammy struggles to load Nita’s collapsible walker into the backseat of #6.

NITA Pammy…

PAMMY What is it, Mom?

NITA I think… I think I left it. I think I forgot it.

PAMMY Forgot what?

NITA My purse. Is it in the backseat with you? Did you grab it?

PAMMY No I didn’t grab your purse. It’s your purse. You think you left it inside, in the church?

NITA Well that’s the only place that makes sense. I mean I had it earlier.

PAMMY Well they’re about to – I mean we’re about to get going here –

NITA Pammy I can’t leave my purse, it’s got all my prescriptions, I’m gonna need to take ‘em at lunch –

PAMMY Mom –

NITA And we’re one of the last cars. If you hurry –

PAMMY Fine.

NITA Ohh thank you, Pammy, thank you.

PAMMY Don’t thank me. I mean you gotta have your pills, right?

Pammy starts to exit

NITA You know, he’s cute.

PAMMY What?

NITA The guy. The one they got driving – the attendant, whatever he’s called.

PAMMY You mean the guy that works for the funeral home?

NITA Yeah, did you see him?

Slight beat

PAMMY He’s an undertaker.

NITA You don’t know that, you don’t know if he actually works on the bodies. Maybe he just helps with the flower arrangements, and the guest book and stuff.

PAMMY Mom I’m gay.

NITA You had a girlfriend for a couple years after college, that’s not the same thing.

A pause. Then Pammy shuts the door on her mother and exits.

In #2

JIM You didn’t have to sit back there, Mindy.

MINDY Oh it’s fine, Jim, don’t worry about it.

JIM You got enough leg room? I can move my seat forward –

ERIC She’s fine, Dad.

JIM Wait a minute – where’s what’s his name? Ryan.

ERIC He’s riding with Beth and Doug.

JIM How come?

ERIC Well, so you’d have some more privacy.

JIM Oh, because I’m gonna start crying? Don’t want the kid to see me balling my eyes out?

ERIC It’s not like that Dad –

JIM You’re trying to manage me.

ERIC Dad that’s not –

JIM Everyone today has got their kid gloves on with me and I wish they would just stop. Like your brother –

MINDY No one is trying to manage you, Jim –

ERIC Yeah.

JIM My wife died, I didn’t lose all sense of gravity.

MINDY Everyone’s just trying to help, Jim. People want to be there for you.

JIM I just don’t need my fucking hand held, that’s all.

Beat

So are we getting this show on the road or what?

In #5, the women are in the backseat.

ELLEN Wasn’t it just a lovely service? Somber without being too morose, you know? Didn’t you think, Wade?

WADE Best one we been to this month.

ELLEN Oh please don’t joke like that.

BAILEY Do you guys really go to a lot of a funerals?

ELLEN Well we do have our share, I’m sad to say. As times goes by, more and more –

BAILEY Hey John.

JOHN Yeah what is it, cutie?

BAILEY How come you don’t go to more funerals?

JOHN I dunno. They probably forget I’m still alive so don’t invite me.

WADE You are getting up there, kid.

ELLEN Speaking of which, how’s your heart been John? Are you still taking the Plavix was it?

John nods.

WADE Except it’s got me pissing like a damn racehorse. I’m talking I’m up three-four times a night –

JOHN Bailey knows. She keeps track of all that stuff for me now.

WADE Girl’s a godsend. I’m telling you John, you’re lucky to have her.

JOHN Think I don’t know that?

Bailey digs in her large bag, taking out several prescription pill bottles and reading the labels

BAILEY Let’s see, what do we got. Metformin, Celebrex, Levitra…

JOHN Walking around with a pharmacy in her purse all because of my old ass.

ELLEN Oh now don’t say that John, I’m sure she doesn’t mind too much.

JOHN God I hope not. I’d be lost without her. No worse – dead. Dead and buried if it wasn’t for my little sugar cookie here.

(To Bailey) Isn’t that right?

He reaches back and pats Bailey’s thigh. She takes his hand and squeezes it while still scanning pill bottles.

WADE Keeps you young.

JOHN That’s the idea.

BAILEY (proudly) Here we go: Inderal. “To relieve hypertension.”

Pammy enters with Nita’s purse, crossing paths with Glenn on the way back to her car.

PAMMY Oh. Is something wrong?

GLENN No I just forgot to tell everyone to turn on their regular lights too— uhh, headlights.

PAMMY Oh. OK thanks.

GLENN Safety precaution. It’s actually the law.

PAMMY I will then, thank you.

He goes. She gets back in her car, shoving the purse at Nita, who smiles.

NITA What was that?

PAMMY Nothing. Shut up.

In #3, Kenzie is crying. Doug coughs into a tissue.

BETH I really don’t know what the holdup is. We should be getting going any minute now, least that’s what the guy said.

Slight pause

Hey, you did good today, Ry.

RY What do you mean? Oh the speech?

BETH The eulogy, yes, thank you, you didn’t have to. It was very sweet. I think your grandma would have liked it.

RY It was weird. I was surprised when Dad asked me.

BETH My idea. I know you fancy yourself a writer, so… Plus you did that speech and debate stuff in high school. It was very eloquent – you were, that is.

(To Doug) Don’t you think, honey?

DOUG Yeah and you kept it short which was nice.

He blows his nose as Beth shoots him an irritated glance.

KENZIE Was it your idea to include the Berenstain Bears stuff?

RY What? Oh, yeah.

KENZIE Because Grandma would always read them to us, right?

RY Yeah.

KENZIE She had the whole collection.

RY A bunch, yeah.

KENZIE I liked that, that you quoted that.

RY Oh good. Thanks –

KENZIE I’m missing a big softball tournament for this but I don’t care.

RY Sorry.

KENZIE Who do you think is going to get those books?

RY What?

KENZIE If anything they should get split up between us grandkids.

RY Sure –

There is the blurt of a police siren; a signal that the procession is about to begin.

RY Yeah –

KENZIE So we’re on the same page?

RY I – I guess.

KENZIE Mom?

BETH Yes what sweetie? I think we’re about to get started here.

KENZIE Mom, have you even been listening to our conversation?

BETH I think so. You were talking about some books –

KENZIE Grandma’s collection of Berenstain Bear books. Ry and I think they should go to us.

BETH OK –

KENZIE So if it comes up, or if there’s a problem with Carter and Clay for some reason where they say they want them, you won’t let it happen?

BETH I don’t know sweetie. That’s not really where my head’s at today.

KENZIE You don’t think it’s important?

BETH Well there’s a lot happening...

KENZIE Dad.

DOUG (who’s dozed off) Hm? What?

KENZIE Grandma’s collection of Berenstain bear books – you remember?

DOUG Uh. Kind of. Why?

KENZIE Ryan and I want them.

DOUG OK. I’m sure you can, I’m sure that won’t be a – I mean your grandfather’s not gonna care –

BETH Can we just please everyone discuss this at another time please? That’s my mom in the back of the hearse up there and I’m getting ready to put her in the ground, so if it’s all the same…

Silence.

The procession begins. Beth puts the car in drive.

In #4

CLAY Hey Mom can you plug my phone in?

KELLY How much power does it have left? Because I have to charge mine.

CLAY 13 percent.

KELLY Let me charge mine a little then I’ll do yours.

CLAY But what if it dies while we’re out at the cemetery?

ANDY You don’t need to have your phone out at the cemetery – you won’t. And we’re already over our data for the month anyway.

CARTER No wonder nothing was loading on Youtube.

CLAY How long till we get to the cemetery?

KELLY (whilst texting, to Andy) Half an hour, right?

ANDY Closer to 45 minutes.

Beat. Carter hits the button to lower his window a few inches.

ANDY Hey, put that back up.

CARTER Why? It’s hot.

ANDY Because it doesn’t look good. This is a funeral procession, it’s serious. Nobody wants to see one of the car’s windows rolled down.

CARTER Who’s nobody?

ANDY Nobody on the street watching.

CARTER But I’m hot.

ANDY Wait for the AC.

He hits the button, raising Carter’s window. Slight pause. Then Carter lowers the window again.

CARTER The air conditioning’s busted, it hasn’t worked since last summer –

Andy raises the window.

ANDY What is your problem listening right now??

CARTER Because I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this!

Carter grunts then goes silent. After a beat.

CLAY Mom can I charge my phone now?

Margaret looks up from her clipboard to the road.

MARGARET You’re not keeping up.

GLENN Huh?

MARGARET The police officer, don’t you see, he’s signaling you to go faster.

GLENN Oh shit. OK.

He speeds up.

MARGARET But keep it under 35. Least till we’re on the highway.

GLENN Gotcha.

MARGARET And don’t swear, Glenn.

She motions vaguely towards the rear of the hearse, meaning the casket.

GLENN Right. Yeah. Sorry.

Can I tell you? It’s still weird for me to drive through a red light.

ERIC (to Jim) Weird to drive straight through a red light, isn’t it?

GLENN Feel like I’m breaking the law.

MARGARET What the escort’s for.

MINDY All I know is I wish I had this on my morning commute every day.

JIM How long’s it take you to get to work?

MINDY An hour. 45 minutes on a good day.

JIM Jesus Christ – how do you people live over there on the west side of the state takes you forever to get anywhere?

ERIC Well, they’re putting in lightrail now so that should help alleviate some –

JIM Is that like a monorail thing?

ERIC A train. It goes both above and below ground.

JIM Yeah? And how much is that costing the taxpayer?

ERIC Well it was voted on, Dad. The county voted for it so – And traffic’s a real problem as Mindy was saying –

JIM You see, that’s why I could never live in a big city. Just too much, too crazy.

ERIC Well we like it.

JIM That’s good for you. I wouldn’t.

Another police siren blurt, like a warning. Kenzie watches out the window.

KENZIE Everybody’s staring at us. People on the sidewalk.

BETH Well, yeah.

KENZIE It’s weird. I don’t like it.

BETH Why don’t you close your eyes for a little while then sweetie, rest, you must be tired.

Pause

KENZIE I can’t. I’m worried about how the game’s going.

(To Ry) I had a big softball tournament this weekend that I had to miss.

RY You told me.

KENZIE Oh.

What do you think, Dad, do you think we’re up?

DOUG Depends. I forget, who did they have you guys pitted against in the first round?

KENZIE Kelso.

DOUG Oh you girls should walk away with it then; their offense just hasn’t been able to get it going so far this year.

KENZIE Who do you think started?

DOUG Sarah I’d imagine. I mean since you weren’t there, Coach probably had to go with Sarah –

KENZIE But that’s not really fair then. She shouldn’t get the win just because Kelso can’t hit and make her look good. Coach will get the wrong impression.

DOUG (to Ry) You might have missed it, Ry, but our Kenzie is in something of a competition with this Sarah girl.

KENZIE No I’m not. She sucks. I am so much better of a pitcher than her –

BETH Stop that, Kenzie. I will not have you talking negative about one of your own teammates.

KENZIE But she talks shit about me all the time! She told everyone I was in love with Derek Page when all I said is I didn’t care if he asked me to Homecoming or not!

BETH Well if she did that then she’s rude –

KENZIE She did do that. You don’t believe me??

BETH Of course we believe you. But you still don’t get to attack a person just because you both play the same position in a sport.

He is coughing so hard he barely gets this last line out. Kenzie is on the verge of tears again.

Bailey is texting on her phone. Ellen watches her.

ELLEN (to Bailey) So, do you two have to rush off back home or can we get you stay a few more days with us? It’s always nice to have John for a visit.

JOHN No we gotta get back. Bailey has a meeting on Monday.

ELLEN (to Bailey) Oh I didn’t know you were working, dear.

BAILEY I’m not. John’s just trying to be nice and sugarcoat. It’s an N.A. thing. You know, Narcotics Anonymous?

Slight beat

ELLEN Ohhh…

All right.

BAILEY Sorry, did I just freak you out?

ELLEN No. No, not at all –

BAILEY Because you look freaked out.

ELLEN No it’s just… surprising, dear, that’s all. I mean I never would have guessed it. You seem so together.

BAILEY Well I am, now.

ELLEN Right. Right.

And how does John feel about all this?

JOHN If you want to know, ask him.

ELLEN Sorry, John.

John sniffs in a matter-of-fact way.

JOHN She had problem – now she doesn’t anymore. End of story.

(To Bailey) Right, cupcake?

Bailey smiles at him sweetly, then goes back to her phone.

WADE Ellie come on, it’s not your business.

ELLEN No I’m, I’m just asking questions. I mean it’s good news, right?

Slight pause

So how long have you been sober? Do they call it that, “sober”, when it’s drugs or do they call it something else? ��Clean” right?

BAILEY (overlapping) Sober’s fine – clean, yeah. Five months.

ELLEN Just five months. Huh.

She does the math in her head

So – sorry – at the family reunion last year you were, you…

WADE Oh would you give it a rest, Ellie. Stop brow-beating the poor girl.

ELLEN I’m not. Besides she said she was fine discussing it.

(To Bailey) Didn’t you?

BAILEY No, umm actually. But yeah, I don’t mind. It’s like in the program they really stress the importance of honesty, you know, so I try to, like, live that philosophy in my every day.

ELLEN I could see where that’d be a rule, yes.

Can I ask you what it was then? I mean was there one particular thing you gravitated towards or…?

WADE (Oh for Pete’s sake…)

BAILEY What was my poison?

Ellen points to her nose like in Charades, then points to Bailey for her to continue.

ELLEN Oh my.

BAILEY And it’s funny you mention the family reunion thing because I would guess you had no idea something was going on. Nothing up with Bailey, right?

ELLEN Mm.

Ellen stares at her for a moment. Then she pats Bailey’s hand.

ELLEN Well you’ve certainly been through the ringer, haven’t you dear? Hasn’t she, Wade?

WADE Sounds like it.

ELLEN And we’re just so happy you’re all better now, even though we’re finding out about it after the fact.

Nita is struggling to open a bottle of water.

NITA Pammy, do me a favor. I can’t get this.

PAMMY What?

NITA This water. There’s a little ring like a tab you have to pull and with my arthritis I can’t…

PAMMY Um yeah. OK uhhh. Take the wheel for a second then?

NITA You can’t just do it, I have to drive for you?

PAMMY Well I’m gonna need both hands, Mom.

NITA Oh jeez. Alright. But you know what my confidence is like behind the wheel. Your dad always did the driving for us, I mean if we were going anywhere far, not to the post office like, but –

PAMMY Just keep us going straight and you’ll be fine. It’s not that big of deal.

Nita takes the steering wheel apprehensively with one hand while Pammy opens the bottle of water. The job is trickier and takes longer than she thought but she eventually cracks it.

At which point the car swerves to the right.

Nita shrieks. Pammy quickly grabs hold of the wheel again, spilling water down the front of her dress.

Other characters see this happen in their mirrors and react:

WADE Whoa! Did you see that??

ANDY Nearly drove into the ditch.

BETH Who is that? Is that Pammy back there?

KELLY Wait, what happened??

The whole thing is over very fast. After regaining control of the vehicle, Pammy turns on her mother.

PAMMY Are you fucking kidding me?? Mom you just almost ran us off the road! My dress…

NITA (overlapping) Oh God! Oh God I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Pammy; don’t swear, I just… my hand slipped for a second and –

PAMMY Soaked, completely.

She uses napkins to pat down Pammy’s dress. After a few seconds of this, Pammy snaps at her.

PAMMY OK would you stop?? Seriously, leave it, please. I’m good, I’ll air-dry, whatever. Just – take your damn water back.

There’s a pause.

NITA Do you want me to turn on the heater? That might get you dry faster –

She is reaching for the dial.

PAMMY No, then it’ll just be hot.

And it’s hot enough already.

Nita takes a long drink of water, casual again.

NITA Oh I know. Can you believe it’s almost June? Another couple weeks.

PAMMY (sighs) Yeah.

Andy is still glancing at his driver’s side mirror in concern.

KELLY So wait, what happened again?

ANDY Nothing. Looks like Pammy just lost control of the car for a second.

KELLY Well, why’d she do that? Are they alright?

ANDY How should I know? You can ask her when we get there.

Checks mirror again

Looks like they’re fine now.

KELLY God I hope so.

CARTER Yeah it’d be nice to make it to the cemetery with only one dead body.

Silence. The only one who didn’t catch that was Clay, preoccupied with a game on his phone.

That was a joke.

KELLY A not funny one.

CARTER I know, I’m sorry.

KELLY What made you say that?

CARTER I just thought of it.

KELLY Well you should apologize to your father.

CARTER I did, I said I was sorry.

KELLY This is hard on all of us but him especially.

CARTER I know.

CLAY Hold on, what did Carter do?

KELLY He needs our support right now. And Grandpa. And your Aunt Beth and your Uncle Eric.

ANDY Oh like he even cares.

KELLY What? Your brother?

ANDY No.

Motions to Carter in the backseat

Him. His attitude has sucked all day. First he refused to get out of bed this morning –

CARTER Because I was tired –

ANDY Making us late, putting us behind –

CARTER Mom I told you I couldn’t get to sleep, I’ve been having problems –

ANDY Always an excuse. Then when we stopped for breakfast nothing on the menu looks good to him, he’s Mister Choosy all of a sudden –

KELLY Andy, I don’t think you’re being entirely – you’re not seeing things from Carter’s –

ANDY Then just to double down on everything I guess he starts an argument with me over a window!

CARTER You know you can talk to me Dad, I’m right here.

And I wish Carter, I wish you could feel that sting now, that you didn’t have to wait ohhh ten twenty thirty years for it to dawn on you, to come around, to bite you in the ass. I just hope I live to see it.

CARTER That’s not what I’m doing.

ANDY Keep telling yourself that. See how far it gets you.

Beat. Then Carter punches the back of Andy’s seat. Andy flinches but makes no other reaction.

KELLY Carter!!

CLAY Aagh!!

To be continued...

#UNTITLED FUNERAL PLAY #new play #get 'er done #father son conflict

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