#im not expecting this to get notes because beyond the bonus scene

[purgatoryandme]

Hey! I can't seem to find the post you made with all the books references in Illuminate Me and the reason behind it? Is it deleted?

I know that there is an incomplete one floating around in my reply tag, and it should be in the Illuminate Me tag, but tumblr’s search features are so bad that I went back to the original word doc of the complete list, so prepare for that particular storm lol.  Quoted/Referenced Reading List (In Order of Appearance) Shakespeare: Macbeth I opened on a Macbeth quote (‘When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lighting, or in rain’) because I wanted to start with something immediately relatable. Most readers were introduced to more ‘dramatic’ plays through Macbeth. Beyond that, they were introduced to the concept of pathetic fallacy, which I think plays nicely with Tony as a character (a man who is CONSTANTLY imparting emotion onto inanimate objects…and then actually giving them their own emotions) and with one of the core problems in IM, which is deciding the emotions of others for them. I was hoping to get the ‘feel’ of that without having to lean too far into the actual concept. 

Bonus: I picked this quote in particular because of the importance of threes in Tony’s life (his core group of friends, iterations of the reactor, number of times reborn, his bot children VS his AI children, the number of lovers or almost lovers he has in the fic, etc). Milton: Paradise Lost ‘What is dark within me, illuminate!’ is a modernization of the original Milton quote ‘what is dark within me, illumine’ for readability. I actually feel a bit bad about changing this considering how many people think this is the original quote now. This wound up being a central (and title) quote somewhat by accident. I’m fond of it because of how much I liked a different one that I had originally wanted for Tony’s thoughts of the reactor: ‘yet from those flames, no light, but rather darkness visible’. I had originally wanted to start off on a sadder note, one that showed how much Tony hated losing his humanity, and so the flames of Hell and their physics-bending concept seemed thematically appropriate. I had always intended to eventually invert the imagery – instead of Extremis being (to Tony) flames capable of extinguishing light, the reactor would become a water-like blue light that couldn’t be choked or recreated by any of the shadows that pursued Tony in his life. I picked Milton SPECIFICALLY for the imagery of light and shadows. 

But, man, listen. Darkness visible is a great concept, but it’s also tired. It has, as you’ve noted, been discussed to death. So as I was reading ‘Milton’s darkness visible and Aeneid 7’ to refamiliarize myself with some of the broader themes attached to that particular piece of imagery, I wound up thinking about how to invert the darkness itself instead of the overall concept. The flames of Hell extinguish light instead of having to exist away from it. It is a bad that cannot be penetrated by good. 

Instead of chasing away shadows, which would be implied by shining a light ON them, the request Tony makes here is to actually invert the darkness - to have it illuminate in and of itself. It’s becoming something better instead of being removed or forgotten. On the flip side of that, the darkness within isn’t growing as light weakens, but rather under its own force. Two forces equal in nature and origin in a person. It’s a different take on lighting than the one most critics hammer home. Long ramble is long, but this was the basis for using that quote. It grew from there to have many different meanings, however the core has always remained. All in all I’m pleased with it.

EM Forster: A Room with a View Very forgiving even in its satirical takes on human nature. A lot of passages are very therapy-quotable in their urging to accept the inevitability of causing some harm in life. It plays on a lot of the same concepts with light being obvious metaphor for good and evil that Paradise Lost does, but softens them into more realistic shades of human existence. Isaac Asimov: Foundation Continuing on with themes of rigid morality vs the flexibility and romanticism of humanity, we have Asimov, master of machines and the three rules of robotics! There are lots of quotable epigrams in this beast. The quote pulled from this has two readings depending on what you assume of the man who has said it. If you see him as manipulative, there’s an insidious underpinning of killing off your own morals. If you see him as a kind man, then you could read it as foregoing morals in place of empathy. Tony’s therapist loves a very specific brand of double speak that lets Tony work through the conversation purely through interpretation. Tolstoy: Anna Karenina Tolstoy’s prose is lengthy...so so lengthy, but Anna Karenina is worth the read as long as you relate to at least one of its major characters. Frankly, I think you can choose to read a single character’s plot arc and leave it at that. It’s mostly a novel that is interesting, not because of its plot, but because of its study of relationship dynamics. Tolstoy was really invested in picking apart the idea of what makes a ‘family’ and, beyond that, what makes a class. It’s refreshing to see so much of the critique occurring within the lived experience of the characters instead of through a narrator or outside punishing moral forces. Baudelaire: Windows and Benediction I cannot recommend enough reading multiple translations of Baudelaire poems (fleursdumal.org has a wonderful array available). Benediction is a personal favourite. I love me some malevolence wrapped up in religion. Dante: The Divine Comedy There’s a lot of bleak humor in Dante if you look for it. Several interpretations insist of making each piece excessively grim dark, but faithful translations tend to have a hint of humor in them. It works well for engraving War Machine’s spine - a benediction and a mockery of human limitations. I try to pick quotes that not only fit the scene, but would still fit into the context of the grander themes from whence they came...unless I hate the author. Tennyson: The Lady of Shallot “I am sick of shadows” vs “I am half-sick of shadows”. Tony’s expressing more frustration here with being alone and his passive involvement in that loneliness. Another quote I feel vaguely bad about changing, haha. The Lady of Shallot is a very nice classical piece that I’m sad isn’t taught in schools alongside Hamlet. There are some nice Ophelia parallels here. I wanted a feminine influence on Tony’s loneliness and one that is somewhat youthful despite his age. Yeats: Vacillation I fucking hate Yeats as a person. That said, the man can write. The man can REALLY write. His pieces are almost always layered to the point of absurdity and he’s perfect to swiping quotes with multiple meanings. Definitely Tony’s kind of author. Goethe: Faust Speaks for itself and in the author’s notes on its reference.  Dostoyevsky: The Brothers Karamasov IMO a book that deserves all the acclaim of Anna Karenina and then some. Very VERY Russian in its ethical debates of, as always, religious morality vs free will. Also dips into familial struggles and patricide, because it wouldn’t be a Russian classic if it didn’t contain some deeply buried bitter resentment towards paternalism. I’m going off-script here, but this is a fucking excellent book. I don’t really have words for how much I enjoy how Dostoyevsky explores the concepts that he does. Shakespeare: Julius Ceasar Shakespeare: Twelfth Night Twelfth Night deserves more credit for its development and maintenance of an enigma. Twelfth Night has charisma in spades both because of and in spite of the exceedingly petty actions of some of its characters. It is also a refreshingly simple take on love for the sake of it. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland Stephen King: Lisey’s Story I consider Lisey’s Story to be the best of King’s work. The man has his obvious writing ticks and his even more obvious issues as an author. Lisey’s Story contains many of them, but navigates them far better than any of his other work. The monster here is all in the mind and is too vast to truly see or understand. It’s perfectly representative of a creeping sense of inescapable horror. It was fun to flip it on its head with a reference here – Tony isn’t terrified of dying, but he is terrified of his inescapable enjoyment of Bucky’s company. Maria’s family saying is inspired by Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass Armitage: The Death of King Arthur A genuinely fantastic classic tale of heroism, filled with all the drama, tragedy, and sacrifice that you’d expect with strongly feminine undertones. I’m a sucker for this kind of thing. TS Eliot: The Wasteland Excellent piece of poetry with many layered meanings and dual interpretations. I can’t really articulate my thoughts on The Wasteland, but I reference an essay at the end of this list that does that for me. Oedipus Rex Rupert Brooke: Safety Not directly quoted but obscurely referenced through Bucky and Tony’s war conversations + Bucky’s conversation about, you got it, being ‘safe’ with his therapist. His poetry is about WWI and is, largely, idealistic. Safety is…not quite an exception to that. His other poetry contains a certain sense of honour and duty, whereas safety, maintaining a seemingly light tone, has nothing of the sort. It is safety in the soul – something untouchable by the horrors of war or death. It treats that as a ‘house’, which leant itself to the article Tony send Bucky. Armine Wodehouse: Before Ginchy Not directly quoted but obscurely referenced through Bucky and Tony’s war conversations + Bucky’s conversations with his therapist. This is also WWI poetry, though far darker than Brooke’s work. It discusses the parts of the heart and soul soldiers lose. It is an extremely good piece AND references Dante’s Inferno. I had to work it in somewhere even if I didn’t want to directly quote it. Meyer and Brysac: Tournament of Shadows Referenced several times over in discussion of war, the great game, and British military history. Beautifully self-aware account of Britain’s insistence on rewriting history after the fact and the tiny hilariously embarrassing moving pieces that shaped what is often considered the heyday of espionage. Murakami: Kafka on the Shore I love Murakami’s response to questions about understanding the novel as a whole. There are no solutions, only riddles presented, and through their interaction the possibility of a solution takes place. It’s a great lens through which to view the book and individual passages taken out of it. Reminds me of The Wasteland having to be read in totality before you can begin picking it apart, after which each individual piece can be read of its own. Kafka on the Shore, with its musings on the uncertainty of fate and redemption, was the perfect book to outline Tony’s horrifying realization, which he is desperately suppressing, that he might be coming to accept Bucky’s feelings. This quote in particular, while I would’ve used it anyway, is also a great callback to the first chapter and its storms. Chapter 29 is a turning point. Beyond it there are some intentional quote contrasts that are probably more easter eggs than they are anything else. Yeats: A Dialogue of Self and Soul Great contrast with Vacillation. Some parts of self and soul are used in that poem and thematically they are connected and contrasted - self and heart vs self and soul. The symbolism and imagery in Vacillation is really on point and layered, but Self and Soul is peak Yeats for its reversal of the typical ‘the soul is pure and bluntly honest and the body is tainted and bad’ in Christian works. Also Self and Soul’s broader context is scrumptious considering the debate poems history of relying on divine forgiveness and lack thereof instead of on forgiveness of the self. 

It was fun to give this poem a double meaning in IM as both hugely ominous and ultimately pointing to the later forgiveness Tony receives from himself through the divine (if the soul stone can be called that) in the heavens (space!). There’s also another fun twist to ‘who can distinguish darkness from the soul’ in its contrast with ‘what is dark within me, illuminate’. To take that a step further, Vacillation was the beginning of the path of forgiveness for Bucky (understanding Tony’s heart…somewhat literally as he slowly gets closer and closer to the reactor itself), while Self and Soul is a final step (re: Bucky being presented the final hurdle of Tony deciding to move forward alone). Hermann Hesse: Siddhartha Hesse is wonderfully blunt at times. I gotta admit I love German takes on spiritual self-discovery because they always seem to tend towards much more straightforward answers than other countries. Hesse’s relationship with Buddhism in literature vs his lived experience is also really intriguing. Anyway, Siddhartha, in its humanizing of Gods, is wonderful contrast to the consistent imagery of the untouchable and unknowable forces of good and evil in previously quoted works. It has stopped bringing humanity to the divine and has started placing the divine within humanity. Emily Wilson’s translation of the Odyssey One of the ultimate poetic epics. Now that we are nearing the end, I’m going overtime with making the grander themes of this whole piece hit home. A lot of IM was built on a foundation of poetic epics, of heroism, and a bit of Greek tragedy. The Odyssey embodies all of those things beautifully. It also suited Thor too well to pass up. Yeats: An Irish Airman Forsees His Death Ah, Yeats. Very blatant foreshadowing here that is keeping with the foreshadowing from Self and Soul. Fate has, up till this point, been a bit of a question. It has been ‘when will it come to me’ and ‘how will I avoid or overcome it’. Now fate is a set point. It is knowable and present. ‘I know I shall meet my fate, somewhere among the clouds above’. This goes for the true onset of Infinity War and for Tony’s feelings towards Bucky – when he had no one, he allowed Bucky in after essentially promising himself he wouldn’t. If that’s not an accidental admittance of love, nothing is. Henley: Invictus Absolutely fantastic poem. Continuing with the heavy fate themes coming into this climax. Now that Tony knows his fate, truly knows it, he is choosing to take it on directly. Agamemnon (Anne Carson’s Traslation if you prefer a more modern language approach, Lattimore is you prefer a classic) Agamemnon is forgotten all too often in the world of poetic epics and it’s a damn shame. I cannot say enough good things about it. I always wanted to use lines from Agamemnon in a Tony fic because the Cassandra parallels were too perfect to resist. The chorus in this play was also a perfect narrative device for interacting with something of a hive mind. Yeats: The Wanderings of Oisin Another poetic epic. Nice contrast with The Odyssey, The Death of King Arthur, and Agamemnon. Here the dialogue is between an aged hero and a saint looking into the hero’s past. It has the kind of reflective and aged mood necessary for this stage of the story, but is actually a poem I sortof hate. The line ‘And a softness came from the starlight, and filled me full to the bone’ is absolutely gorgeous, though. Some final inspiration pieces:

The Penelopiad 

The Iliad 

House of Leaves (for surrealism in the final chapters) 

Dante at Verona (used in an author’s note as an intentional jab at the dull uninspired nature of the this particular take on Dante. Repurposed quote, essentially) 

a broke machine just blowin’ steam by themikeymonster (great character study of Bucky) 

Frank Kermode’s essay “Eliot and the Shudder” (inspiration behind Tony’s entire interaction with literature)

#long post #reply #illuminate me #literature references

[thedistantdusk]

I absolutely love work especially noticing. You have a knack for explaining masturbation scenes without making them silly or gross. Im ace but looking for any tips you have on how to write them? Thank you

Deep breath. Wow, thank you for this ask! I actually just finished writing a wanking scene, so I decided today would be the best time to respond! :p

I confess that I’ve sat on this ask for a minute because I’ve struggled with how qualified I’d be to answer an ace-specific question. The last thing I’d want to do is give advice that might seem judgmental/overbearing? 

I did a bit of research and reached out to some ace folks for help, and the consensus seems to be that I’m ok to give advice on something I do know about, which is how to write masturbation smut. I apologize in advance if you were looking for something more specific, but it would be irresponsible for me to speak for a population I don’t consider myself part of, if that makes sense? Basically, I wouldn’t want to speak for someone else or own an experience I don’t have. 

So. 

This brings us to the main focus of this post: General tips on writing masturbation scenes. You will notice that most of these are similar to advice I’ve given on writing sex scenes, and there’s a reason for that if you follow along below!

Tip #1: Do not focus on the physical nature of the act! 

Reading a masturbation scene should not feel like reading a manual. The reader doesn’t need to know that it took exactly 35 strokes at a 2/4 rhythm (unless the purpose of the scene is to feel mechanical/routine/humorous). The reader only really needs to know that someone went from point A to point B. The rest is nice, but ultimately superfluous. I’m a firm believer in less-is-more, and only throwing in sexy bits when the scene calls for it.

Tip #2: Getting in the headspace of your character will help you a lot. 

Please note that I am not — and would never — give an unsolicited demand to an ace person (or anyone!) to masturbate!

I’m simply suggesting that you may want to consider focusing on the character’s POV instead of your own perception of what masturbation looks like. Side note — if you generally find masturbation scenes silly or gross, follow your gut! Identify why you find some scenes too mechanical/ridiculous and why you enjoy others. That might give you a hint!

Tip #3: Masturbation scenes should have a specific purpose. 

If there’s no real purpose beyond someone doing their thing, I might suggest evaluating its function in your overall fic. If you’re curious about specific reasons why you might have a character masturbate, here are just a few ideas:

Conveying desperation, loneliness, or pining

Displaying a coping mechanism

Showing a character’s hidden fantasy. Bonus points if it’s different from what you’d expect. (Example: A character ((who might be a cinnamon bun)) fantasizing about how much he’d love to have monogamous married sex because just that’s the type of ice cream sundae he is.)

A character reacting to/reliving a specific event

Really, the world is your oyster, but a common thread in all of these is that it’s best to avoid scene about a biological process. For people who are interested in sex, masturbation is (usually) an act of fantasy. To get into the mind of the character, it’s key to understand the motivation behind that fantasy.

For good examples/ones I enjoy, check out:

Nine Down, Thirty to Go by @remedial-potions (So hot. Just read it.)

Seven Wanks for Seven Weasleys by Ragdoll (This fic delivers exactly what it promises, but does so through a series of vignettes about the Weasley siblings. The Percy vignette is hilarious while the Ginny one is more of the soul-searching variety. It’s a great showcase of how to present one activity in different ways.)

We can’t control by @annerbhp (A fic that interweaves everything I’m talking about. Just read it if you haven’t!)

I hope this helps, Nonny! I’d be honored to beta for you if you want more specific guidance! <3

#anonymous #writing #writing advice #writing wanking

[cicinicole-14]

14x19–– Beautiful Dreamer [episode review]

can we talk about Grey’s here for a second? I’m gonna review this episode because it’s been a really great episode. I think one of the best we’ve seen in a long time. so lets start off with saying this: I am sorry for how unorganized and choppy this is going to be, I’m apologizing in advance but my brain is going a million miles an hour. ALSO. WARNING::: SPOILERS AHEAD!!! 🚨🚨

first off–– Richard and Ollie

this was so, so sad. this gave me Amelia and Michelle, on PP, parallel feels, how Ollie is much like Amelia’s best friend Michelle and Amelia and Richard both watched their friend die a slow death. I really think and hope this is going to bring Amelia and Richard closer as friends and support systems. this storyline (Richard and Ollie) was very real, heartbreaking and sad. I really liked it even though it was rough.

Arizona

two things here, first; Carina. I just. I don’t like her. it’s half “she’s never going to be callie” and half idk I just don’t like her character. she’s useless and just no. I really don’t like her. and I would really like for her to go back to Italy. like Arizona said, her study there is almost up… also, the comment at the beginning of the ep “I have no kids, thank god” like okay, I get that people don’t always like kids but coming from Arizona, someone who broke up with her girlfriend over children, this just made my heart swell. like carina you don’t say that to the person you’re with if they fucking have kids. thats like almost as close as basic human decency as we get here…and second; Arizona’s idea of the crash cart thing, that was amazing. seriously. “treat every delivery as a trauma” I can’t clap loud enough. this is amazing. I’m so glad she figured something out and she can stop stressing just a little bit. take a breather babes, you’re awesome, you’re a rockstar. [also, another note; I really am dreading JCap leaving and this is sad af, because we only have like what 3 episodes remaining?]

Bello and Deluca

I actually have a lot to say about this and this is where its going to get very unorganized. I love that they’re incorporating real life like this, fucking neurosurgeons in the making, who have been living here their whole lives, facing deportation to a country they don’t know just because of our terrible choice in leaders. I can talk a while about this but I’m not going to. I thoroughly enjoyed Bailey stalling the ICE agent [we will address this later] and how literally the whole hospital was banning together to help Bello out. I genuinely like her and I’m really sad to see her leaving. I loved all the scenarios of running, getting married, Jo telling her how to fake her death with a guy in New York, I actually laughed so hard. like this was so great. this whole storyline. and then when amelia asks Owen to call Megan to help out because her “favorite intern” is going to get deported for rUNNING A FUCKING RED LIGHT. A RED LIGHT PEOPLE. we can’t even put rapists in jail, and you’re exiling an innocent fucking surgeon to a country they spent barely a year in when they were born, because she ran a red fucking light? okay moving on, coco. I loved that amelia said that, it was really cute. and like then Meredith using one of Maggie’s old papers [im assuming] and telling her Sam got accepted in Zurich and is working with Cristina. that was actually so sweet and I can’t. and then poor Andrew. I really loved them as a couple. they are really sweet and I wish we got to know more about their story, but sadly we won’t since Bello left. their goodbye was so adorable and bitter sweet. I hope she comes back one day or Deluca leaves to go be with her, he deserves happiness and an actual storyline like this because Giancomo is kinda getting screwed with Deluca’s character here.

Jaggie…

as @jordan202​ said last week, “jaggie is gaggie” and literally, yes. I was really excited to see Maggie ignoring him, because Jackson can be kinda dickish and like he should’ve told her April kissed him. if you want a relationship to work, be honest. and Jackson should’ve told her from the beginning. now to be honest with you, I skipped every jaggie scene, and caught the little bit at the end. I did want to point out, while I do not support Jaggie at all whatsoever, I find it very sweet Maggie showed up and made the speech and stood up for herself about not telling her because she said Jackson didn’t think he could handle it. go Maggie. and then I gagged again and skipped the scene that followed that… gross.

the interns

okay I love love loveeeee seeing Jo be the chief resident [I mean not like there can be any other chief resident because lets see, mousey died, Stephanie left, ben became a firefighter and where the fuck did Leah disappear to?] anyway, I love seeing Jo be the chief res and then bringing the interns around for rounds and no one letting them into rooms for rounds, that was actually quite funny.

Matthew and Ruby

okay, so I feel bad for Arizona because this was her case, but I empathize with Matthew, and he’s hurting and this is a lot. and I’m glad Owen could be put on this case, tho really fucking weird since he worked as a trauma surgeon in the army I didn’t peg him for a peds stand in, but I know this was just a little veer in his path for his storyline [which we will talk about as well] and I’m really grateful for April here. I know that everyone kinda looked weird at her for leering around Matthew and yeah I get it its weird, but her mother’s intuition was calling, and hey, guess what, it was fucking right. I’m really glad she was able to help and the end scene with her and Matthew was really sweet. it was full circle for them and I really enjoyed that.

lets go with the ICE agent next, and Bailey.

so I thoroughly enjoy that Bailey was at first just trying to stall him as long as possible. great tactic. and then her instincts kicked in and she pretty much saved this man’s life. I think that was really cool. and the scene with Maggie telling Bailey that she’d run all the tests, and then Bailey actually being serious about it. this was really nice. Bailey was being sincere to this man, she was serious because this guy, who is trying to take her intern, she could’ve easily just ignored his symptoms. but she didn’t and telling him, jfc that was great. “I swear to god this isn’t a joke” or whatever. bailey’s being serious, might I even say as serious as a heart attack… [okay, okay, I know, terrible joke I am sorry] anyway, this was really sweet that even though she deemed him as the enemy, she stilled helped save his life because its her job, just like, while he hates it, being an ICE agent is his job.

um what’s next? ou, Catherine.

can I start out saying I’ve never liked her? she’s always fucking shady and untrusting. seriously. and first off, do not go blaming your fucking son for this issue with the neurosurgeon lady. this is your fault. your “oh its nothing” thing with harper Avery and this lady. well yeah, we’re gonna think its nothing if you say it like that, of course Jackson won’t think anything of it and try and fucking fix things, there’s a child’s life at stake. if you weren’t such a shady bitch and were honest with Jackson, y’all won’t be getting into this mess, whatever the fuck it may be. ugh I do not like Catherine at all. Richard deserves better.

um, who else… Owen okay Owen.

so, I am still logically confused why Owen was placed on ruby Taylor’s case… like I mentioned before, he’s trauma not peds, but whatever, I guess if a hospital can have a bomb, shooting, 2 plane crashes, a fire and a billion other things happen, I guess a trauma surgeon can double as a peds one for a day. now, onto why. I’m really actually genuinely excited for Owen to take this step into singlehood and hopefully soon-to-be single fatherhood. I’ve been saying this forever, but give the man a child. he’s very similar to Alex in a way, he doesn’t act very decent with other adults, but in front of children, he’s an angel and its what he really needs. I can’t wait to see what comes of this storyline!

KIMMIE!

okay, wow! this breaks my heart. part of me is like “yes! go to NYC, go sing on broadway, explore the world while you still have the chance” and the other half of me just screams “stay strong just a little longer and stay at GSM for Alex and amelia to fix you, because I know they can”. Alex and kimmie’s dynamic is so sweet and their relationship just kinda melts me [and jo, but we will talk about that next!] I really hope this isnt the end of kimmie’s story. I hope she’s not going to just leave. side note: where did Tom go? is he back in New York? did he go back and I forget? anyway, whatever.

last but not least, the best, jolex.

okay, we got literally the sweetest scene I’ve ever fucking seen. I think I like this more than the proposal. actually, this and the 9x24 “I love you” scene are tied for first because ofc, that was my fave but also this one was. Jo telling Alex that she wants kids with him and wants to wedding plan and get married at joe’s bar and soon and ugh I cannot. and then her telling him she wants his last name because “I’ve never had the last name of anyone who’s loved me before” okay get out. bye. I’m dead. spoiler alert: I’ve been typing this from beyond the grave. this scene fucking melted me into a pile of goo. I cannot. bye!

bonus! 14x20 promo! 

I AM FUCKING DEAD. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS EPISODE. ABSOLUTELY CANNOT FUCKING WAIT. this looks so goddamn fucking hilarious I literally almost started crying. first of all, Arizona being the innocent lil bean to unknowingly give everyone pot cookies, I’m in tears. then, Alex wearing the fucking whatever that was on his head and “oh yeah, it was so good” pissing myself. also, fuck, was that deluca hugging a bush?!? and Bailey professing her love to Meredith. I can’t I can’t. seriously, I have high expectations for this episode, and I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

end note: no gifs are mine and I’m sorry for not crediting artists, I just pulled these off google. thank you for letting me borrow your work.

#grey's anatomy #grey's spoilers #omelia #jolex #meredith grey #jo wilson #alex karev #amelia shepherd #owen hunt #april kepner #jackson avery #miranda bailey #all the things

[viralhottopics]

2 Complete Strangers Share a Haunting Connection After Tragic Suicide Attempts

They happened 10 years apart. One died, and one lived.

It was just two days before Christmas in 2006, when 21-year-old Andy Sandness finally reached his breaking point.

Having been drinking more than normal recently, and feeling super, super depressed, Andy was at his very lowest point.

That night after work, he grabbed a rifle from his closet. He stared at it for a long time before putting a round in the chamber. He positioned the barrel beneath his chin, took a deep breath and pulled the trigger.

Like many survivors of suicide attempts will tell you, the eastern Wyoming man instantly knew hed made a terrible mistake.

Police arrived on scene, and one of the officers happened to be a friend of Andys. He cradled him in his arms as Andy cried out to him, Please, please don’t let me die! I don’t want to die!

He was rushed from his home, treated at two hospitals, then transferred to Mayo Clinic. He woke to his mother holding his hand, her face a reflection of unfathomable pain.

Dr. Samir Mardini was the surgeon on call at the Mayo Clinic on that Christmas Eve. In the days that followed, he reassured Andy that hed do everything he could to fix his face.

I just need you to be strong and patient, he said.

The damage could not be fixed overnight. It would take a lot of time and many extensive surgeries.

Andy no longer had a nose or jaw. He’d shot out all but two teeth. His mouth was shattered, his lips almost non-existent. He’d lost some vision in his left eye. At first, he needed breathing and feeding tubes just to survive.

Dr. Mardini and his team removed dead tissue and shattered bones, then connected facial bones with titanium plates and screws. They reconstructed his upper jaw with bone and muscle from the hip; transferred bone and skin from one of his legs to fashion the lower jaw and used wires and sutures to bring together his eyelids, which had been spread apart because of the powerful blast.

After 4 months and eight surgeries, Andy finally headed home to Newcastle, Wyoming. But his world had completely changed.

When hed go out in public, hed avoid making eye contact with anyoneespecially children as not to scare them. Hed occasionally hear kids ask their parents why his face looked the way it did.

When people asked him what happened, hed often lie. I would tell them it was a hunting accident, he says.

His social life was nonexistent. He typically kept to himself and spent most of his time in the hills where he could hunt and fish unseen.

Of course he struggled with insecuritywho wouldnt? But Andy learned to adapt. He tore his food into bits because his mouth was too small to fit a spoon. He wore a prosthetic nose, but it often fell off, and he had to carry glue to reattach it. The nose also discolored, so Andy regularly had to paint it to match his skin.

For the next five years, Andy made annual visits to the Mayo Clinic. In 2012, he received a call that would again change his life.

Dr. Mardini informed Andy that Mayo was launching a face-transplant program, and he might be an ideal patient. The surgeon had already met with various doctors across the globe who had already performed transplant surgeries.

To say Andy was excited was an understatement. He eagerly asked how soon he could undergo the surgery himself, but Dr. Mardini advised him to do as much research as possible. The transformation would not be an easy process for anyone.

When you look like I looked and you function like I functioned, every little bit of hope that you have, you just jump on it, he says, and this was the surgery that was going to take me back to normal.

Only about two dozen transplants of the like had ever been performed worldwide, and the aftermath of a successful surgery meant a lifelong regimen of anti-rejection drugs.

It would be three more years before Mayo would finally get the face transplant program approved.

In the meantime, Dr. Mardinis team spent countless hoursrehearsing the surgery. They used 3-D imaging and virtual surgery technology to master how theyd perfectly fit a donors face to Andy’s.

After undergoing an extensive evaluation to determine whether or not the surgery should be performed on someone whod attempted suicide, Andy got the okay.

In January of 2016, nine years after the night that first changed it all, Andys name was added to the waiting list of the United Network for Organ Sharing.

Doctors expected it would take up to five years to find the right donor: a man with matching blood and tissue types, roughly the same size as Andy, within a 10-year age range and a close skin tone.

But just five months later in June, a donor came.

21-year-old Calen Rudy Ross from Fula, Minnesota, had fatally shot himself in the head. He and his 19-year-old wife, Lily, were newly married, and she was eight months pregnant with their child.

Calen had been an organ donoras indicated on his drivers licenseand being a young and healthy 21-year-old, his heart, lungs, liver and kidneys were donated.

It turned out Calen was also a good match for a suicide survivor awaiting a face transplant.

When approached about the donation, Lily admits she was skeptical at first. I didn’t want to walk around and all of a sudden see Calen.

Doctors reassured her that the transplant receiver would not be recognizable as her husband, and extensive tests confirmed that Calen and Andy were a great match.

Dr. Mardini said that doctors were stunned to see how close the two men were in hair and skin color, and just their overall appearance. It could be his cousin.

On June 16, 2016, Andy was wheeled into surgery where Dr. Mardini said to him, We’re looking forward to seeing you with a new face.

More than 60 surgeons and nurses embarked on what would be a 56-hour marathon surgery, which began around midnight on Friday, and ended early Monday morning.

Reconstruction went far beyond just taking Calens face and putting it on Andy. Doctors identified facial nerve branches on both men and made correct transfers so that when Andy tries to smile, the movements actually happen.

Dr. Mardini claims the surgery was a miracle.

Andy was sedated for several days following the marathon surgery, and was not allowed to see himself for almost three weeks. Mirrors in his room and his cell phone were removed.

When he finally did see his face for the first time, it was indescribable, and overwhelmingly emotional.

As Andy sat in his hospital bed, he still couldn’t speak, so he wrote these four words on a notebook: “Far exceeded my expectations.”

Dr. Samir. proudly read the note to everyone there.

Once you lose something that you’ve had forever, you know what it’s like not to have it, said Andy. And once you get a second chance to have it back, you never forget it.

Andy says its a blessing just to have a mouth and nose. The looks are just a bonus.

Months before the surgery, both Andy and Lily Ross had expressed interest in learning more abouteach other. She particularly wanted Andy to know about her husband.

Lily described her high school sweetheart as a giving person, who loved hunting, trapping and being with his dog. She explained that she agreed to allow Calen to be the donor for Andys face transplant so that she could one day show their son, Leonard, the ways his dad was able to help someone.

Andy and Lily hope to meet each other one day,but until then, Lily was able to see before-and after photos of the man who received her husbands face.

It was amazing how good he looked and how well he’s doing,” she says. Im excited for him that he’s getting his life back.

In December, a full decade since hed had the face he was born with, Andy had a follow-up surgery to tighten skin on his face and neck. His facial muscles are continuing to grow strong, and hes gone through speech therapy to learn how to properly use his tongue and jaw.

He’s thrilled to smell again, breathe normally and be eating foods that were off-limits for a decadeapples, steak and pizza.

Andy says he knows the exact day he felt normal again. He was in an elevator, and a little boy looked up at him without appearing scared, or saying a word to his mother. I knew then, he says, “that the surgery was a success.

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