#im just so frustrated that i im such a pushover and i already broke my promise to myself this early on | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

scxrlettwxtches · 3 years

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i’ll be here, always and forever. | lee minho

genre: sick!fic, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, female!reader

warnings: description of migraines

prompt: i called you at 2am because i need you

description: no matter the situation, lee minho would never hesitate to drop everything to come to your aide, even if it was ass o’clock in the morning.

word count: ~2.7k

a/n: im not sure if this was what you wanted anon but i hope it suffices! >.< also, the descriptions of the migraines come from my own personal experience with them, so i hope they aren’t entirely inaccurate. i’ve been struggling with them for a long time now, so this fic was honestly a little therapeutic to write. hope everyone enjoys! love you all! <3

You never liked to bother people.

It was just your personality; asking people for help meant that you were taking up their time, taking up their time meant that you were annoying them, annoying them meant that you were dislikeable. So, to avoid this whole domino effect, you just never bothered people for anything at all.

That began to change when you starting dating Minho.

Lee Minho was an angel and a devil all rolled into one combination package. You couldn’t get one without the other, and to be honest, you didn’t want one without the other. You loved his softer side, his gentle care and affection, but you also adored his rather brash pranks and antics. Life would be boring if he wasn’t trying to annoy you in some way.

Minho was the first person to coax you out of your shell. He was the first person to tell you bluntly:

“You’re not bothering anyone by asking for help, Y/N. If anything, it makes people feel good about themselves when you come to them. It validates them.”

Slowly, you started to accept that as reality. You started to take off days when you weren’t feeling well, started to ask other people to share some of the burden when your asshole of a boss assigned you to the paperwork meant for at least three people because he knew you were a pushover.

But sometimes, Minho’s brash words can push you further into slumps rather than get you out of them.

You hadn’t meant to be pushy. You didn’t mean to nag unnecessarily. You were just worried about him. There was so much pressure that he was shouldering, the weight of the new choreography, having to create it, teach it, and execute it himself. It was affecting his health, and you just wanted to alleviate his burden for a while.

You probably caught him at a bad time. You probably shouldn’t have visited the practice room to drop off some food. You probably said something that just ticked him off the wrong way, or used a tone of voice that wasn’t so sweet because you were truly frustrated by your boyfriend not taking care of himself. You weren’t sure what exactly set him off, but once you did, he lashed out at you in a way he’d never done before.

“God, can’t you see that I’m working?! I don’t need rest! I don’t need food! I need this to be perfect!” Minho snapped, whirling at you like an angry spirit.

Your temper raged, and you retorted, “Minho, I’m just trying to take care of you! Why can’t you see that--”

“You’re such a fucking bother!”

The blood drained from your face as Minho pulled at his own hair in frustration, “W-what?” You asked softly, not quite believing what you were hearing. He wouldn’t say that, right?

“I said, you’re a bother,” Minho spat, his emotions getting the best of him, “You’re always asking me to spend time with you, always wanting me to coddle you. Can’t you do anything yourself for a change?”

His words burned, lashed at you, and wordlessly, you fled the room, tears rolling down your cheeks. You probably should’ve been more rational. Minho was already at high tensions the whole week; you could sense it whenever he came by your apartment, and his members had also messaged you about it. He most likely didn’t mean it.

But as you left the company building, your mind was like your own worst enemy, repeating his words in your head.

A bother. Do something by yourself for a change.

You hadn’t spoken to Minho at all since that awful fight, and neither has Minho opted to contact you. You’d long stopped checking your phone for any missed texts or calls. You’d long stopped replying to the boys who were asking--no, begging--you to come over to the dorms.

It felt like your relationship with him was on the verge of breaking, and you were shattering along with it, too.

Minho let out an annoyed groan when he heard his phone vibrate violently against his bedside time. What time was it? He glanced out the window, seeing nothing but pitch darkness and the minute glow of the stars that managed to shine through the city lights. His eyes darted to the digital clock on the window sill and he scoffed in disgust.

Great, someone was calling him at 2:14 am.

He wanted to ignore it. Why does he have to answer a phone call at two in the fucking morning?

But there was something weird about the whole thing, and outside of his better judgement, he groaned, grabbing the phone and picking it up without even glancing at the caller ID, ready to give whoever was calling at that hour a piece of his mind.

“Who the fuck--”

“Minmin?”

Minho felt his heart sink down to the floor at the sound of your voice, and the guilt flooded every inch of his being.

“Y/N?” He asked, immediately alert as he sat upright in bed. He didn’t like the tone of you voice. Even through the speaker, he could tell immediately that something was wrong. And the fact that you were even willing to call him, meant that things must’ve been dire.

“I-I’m so sorry to bother you--” You croaked out, and Minho wanted to cry at how nervous you sounded. It was his fault. It was all his fault, “I-I just--I thought--never mind…”

“No, no, baby. Please,” Minho panicked like he never panicked before as he heard shuffling from the other side of the phone, sounding like you were about to hang up, “My angel, don’t hang up, please. I’m not angry. I’m not annoyed. Could you please talk to me, baby? Tell me what’s going on?”

His voice as gentle and soothing as he could make it, his only priority being to calm you down. Your breath hitched at his words, and he let out a silent sigh of relief as you didn’t end the call.

“My head feels like it’s going to s-split in half--I keep seeing spots in my vision, a-and I feel like throwing up,” you said shakily, letting out a whimper of pain as you spoke which sent Minho into another tizzy of panic. He was already well out of bed, pulling a sweater over his head while simultaneously trying to keep his phone pressed against his ear.

“I’m coming, baby, don’t worry, okay?” He cooed, continuing to calm you down as he waved off Chan’s concerned glance. Of course that man wasn’t sleeping yet.

“W-what?” Your voice broke in confusion as the reception crackled, the way it always did when Minho left the dorms and switched to cellular instead of wifi, “N-no, you don’t have to--I don’t even know why I-I called--”

“My angel,” Minho stopped in his tracks as he took a deep breath, “I’m coming over because I’m worried. Because I want to take care of you. Because I want to hold you, and I want to tell you in person how fucking sorry I am.”

You were completely silent, and for a moment, Minho feared that he had royally screwed up by bringing up such a clearly painful memory when you were already in pain. Then, a rustle of bedsheets sounded through the phone, and your soft, weak voice came through.

“Do you still have the key to the a-apartment or do I need to open the door for you?”

Minho felt the weight and worry in his chest loosen at your words, “You don’t have to do a single thing, baby,” he reassured you, skipping two steps at a time as he rushed down the stairs, too hurried to even stand waiting for the elevator.

He burst out of his apartment complex and immediately began sprinting towards your building, which was a ten minute walk away. He was always glad that you were close by, but in the moment, you were ten minutes too far. These were ten precious minutes that he was wasting when he could be already by your side.

“How bad is it, angel?” Minho asked as he ran down the street, haphazardly putting on his mask as he held his phone to his ear with the other hand.

You took a moment to respond, letting out another whimper of pain that caused Minho’s heart to twist, “R-really bad. Like a 9,” you croaked out, sounding immensely distressed.

Minho cursed under his breath and ran faster, “Alright, kitten. It’s going to be okay. Put me on speaker and put the phone under your pillow, okay? You shouldn’t be looking at any screens.”

He heard the rustling of the bed sheets and the sounds began to muffle, “Keep me on the phone and make a noise if anything gets worse. I’ll be there as soon as I can angel. As soon as I can,” he promised, and he ran like his life depended on it.

Minho made the ten minute travel time into a record of five minutes, almost crashing into your door as he fumbled for his keys. The key to your place was on the chain right beside his, because he never wanted to break your trust and lose them accidentally. He unlocked the door and burst into your apartment, blinking to adjust to the darkness.

All of the lights were off, which was to be expected. You were always incredibly sensitive to it when your migraines hit, and Minho did his best to navigate through the hallway using the dim glow of his phone to guide him.

He knew he’d succeeded in making it to your bedroom when his ears caught muffled whimpers of pain. He hung up the phone and gently creaked open your door, “Baby?”

From the city lights outside your window, he could see a lumpy figure underneath your duvet covers, and his heart ached as he made his way towards you. You were still awake from what he could tell, and the lumpy ball squirmed and wiggled underneath the sheets as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Angel, I’m here,” he cooed as softly as possible, his hands tentatively reaching to rest along what was probably the curve of your waist. You only whined, muffled noises of agony coming through the covers, and Minho took it as a green light. You were like putty in his arms as he gently guided your body along with his, maneuvering you until you were safely curled up in his lap, your head resting against his chest.

“You really came,” you murmured, and Minho tried not to feel hurt by the disbelief that colored your voice.

Instead, he swallowed his pride, because he knew he deserved the disbelief, “I came, darling. Everything’s going to be okay now,” he reassured you, his fingers buried in your soft hair as he hummed softly.

You shifted your head, probably to nod at his words, but even that slight movement aggravated your headache, and a choked sob bubbled out of your throat. Minho immediately held you tighter, and one of his hands reached for yours, pressing down on the pressure point between your thumb and forefinger.

“Oh, angel, how could you let it get this bad?” He mumbled mostly to himself as you began to calm, the throbbing against your temple receding as Minho squeezed the pressure point. Vaguely, you wondered how he was able to remember that spot so easily, especially since you only recalled showing him once.

“B-been having headaches for d-days,” you replied shakily, nestling into his chest. Minho immediately felt you shift closer and took the opportunity to hold you even closer, bundling you in the blankets as he propped himself up against the headboard, “Didn’t want to take s-so many painkillers...but it hurts, Min…”

Minho wanted nothing than to sock your migraines in the face, but doing that would mean hurting you. So, he could ultimately do nothing but hug the living daylights out of you, wishing that your pain would go away.

He tisked, massaging the pressure point soothingly as he kissed your hair, “Days? Why didn’t you tell me? You know you can barely get out of bed when you have migraines. Have you even been eating?”

The worried questions tumbled out of Minho’s mouth as he fretted over you like a mother hen. He knew how debilitating these headaches were for you, especially on the worst days. Every movement you made would aggravate them, and there were even a couple times that Minho was on the verge of forcing you to go to the hospital. Just thinking about you being in such a dangerous state alone scared Minho more than he could stomach.

Before he could continuing worrying, your next words lashed at him like knives to the heart, “T-thought you wanted space. Don’t wanna bother you, Min...You’re s-so busy already. How could I burden you even more?”

If Minho was ever had to identify the most heartbreaking moment of his life, this would be way up there as a top contender. He never meant to do this. He never meant to make you feel like you weren’t worthy of his time.

“Angel, I know this is a bad time,” he said, his voice raspy and low as he held you to him. You could feel the vibrations of his chest as he spoke, and you nestled into the safety he provided.

“I know this is a bad time, but I need to tell you. I’m so fucking sorry for that day,” Minho continued, holding you as if he was afraid you’d leave, that you’d walk out of his life, “I don’t have any excuses. I was frustrated with myself and I took it out on you.”

You’d known this. You’d known all of this, of course. But hearing these very words come out of his mouth made them more real, and the knot of unease and self-hatred that coiled around your heart began to loosen.

“I know you were just looking out for me. I know you were just trying to care for me, a-and I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for you,” Minho spoke, every word laced with regret and guilt as he continued.

“You’re not a bother. You’re not at all. You’re the farthest away from a bother. You’re perfect. You’re so kind and gentle and loving and beautiful,” The poor man was rambling at this point, lost in his love for you as you gently shifted your hand to rest over his.

As always, it was your touch, your presence that grounded him back to reality, and he took a deep breath, brushing his lips against your temple, “‘M sorry. Didn’t mean to go off on a tangent,” he said sheepishly. Fuck, he couldn’t even apologize correctly.

But you only smiled, rubbing his hand with your thumb as you murmured, “Silly, Minmin...I don’t blame you for anything. It’s okay. Thank you for apologizing.”

Minho let out a broken sigh of relief as he cradled you in his arms, kissing your hair, your cheeks, your nose, your lips, anywhere he could.

“I love coddling you, you know?” He mumbled, kissing you again and again, “You’re my baby, my precious angel. You always take such good care of me, always making me remember my roots when I get caught up in my own work. I want to be that for you, too. I wanna hold you every night and make you happy.”

You giggled at his words, not daring to nod in case your headache got worse, but you very subtly pressed a light kiss to his jaw, “Love you…” you mumbled, “You already make me happy.”

Minho felt his heart soar your simple words, and they brought him a happiness he never thought he’d experience, or even want to experience. Taking note of your drooping eyes and the way your hand was relaxing in his, he stayed silent, only humming under his breath to help you sleep.

When he saw you had dozed off, he attempted to position you on the bed so he could do some house chores for you. The moment he shifted you, though, a cry left your lips and your fingers blindly gripped at his shirt, “N-no--”

“I’m here, angel. I’m here,” Minho immediately held you again, burying his face in your soft locks as he cradled you to his chest, “I’m here.”

You were still half asleep, mumbling fitfully as his fingers massaged your temple, “P-please stay,” you murmured, curling into his arms.

Minho felt his heart ease as you fell asleep, and under the starlight and the darkness of your bedroom, he murmured his response, sure and true.

“Always.”

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ocean-skies · 6 years

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open journal entry

I have definitely been struggling to write this all down... between my distractions and my pride, i have too much and not enough to write down. At first, I was going to completely dig up everything... I was gonna touch more on the toxic relationship I just removed myself from, and kind of vent about the existential i guess realizations i haven't really explained all of to anyone. i've been nervous about someone seeing my innermost thoughts(why not keep it to myself? kept in secret in my own journal) but maybe it can help someone to share some of it. maybe it will help me. or maybe i should do it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone. anyways, im just gonna jump into it and get hella personal before i overthink it more so if i know you personally, this isn’t exactly something I feel is healthy to dwell and talk on anymore after this. even though the story of the end of my relationship with my ex last month goes a long while before this, what started to turn my life upside down recently was when i started short term therapy, which i'm hoping to increase. i thought it would help to go to get some advice on coping with my anxiety, and secretly, to get some objective advice on what i was only beginning to suspect was a toxic relationship. my counselor pointed out to me the emotional manipulation i was being subjected to, and why i was letting it happen... she pointed me in a direction that would start to change my entire perspective on my life. when i told her about the way my mother is and was to me growing up, she pointed out to me how spot on the way i turned out ended up being when you're the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. why i have so much anxiety and why i'm such a pushover and especially susceptible to not just attracting toxic relationships in my life, but desiring them. the familiar is most comfortable, whether it's what is healthy for us or not, and recognition of that has only been the first step. I began after this to really analyze everyone in my life, especially my gf at the time. I knew I was being taken for granted, and that i was not taking a lot of red flags as seriously as i should have. But I didn't even know where to begin to address it. The battles i faced daily for 18 years of my life shaped me into someone who avoids confrontation as a means of survival. i have gotten better, and i thought i was past the point of not being able to speak up and say no to things that make me uncomfortable, but it's still a struggle. as experiences where im taken advantage of make me ever more uncomfortable, i get a little closer each time to handling it the right way. Sometimes, it takes an especially frustrating experience to really push me, such as one i had with a new friend at a kickback who took advantage of my inability to be firm especially while intoxicated so she could continue unwanted physical sexual contact. i felt uncomfortably taken advantage of, as small of a transgression as it was, and it was because i recognized how weak i was through my submission to someone I was supposed to be comfortable with because of my fear of offense, of saying no. that same get together, i grew close with a girl i met there, and i started to repeat the toxic cycle I find myself in. right in front of me i saw myself growing towards someone absolutely unavailable, which i realized was one of my problems- i was seeking the (especially emotionally) unavailable. all of this happened throughout the end of may into june, while I was in an open relationship with my ex who barely talked to me, but that wasn't even the beginning of my journey with addressing what was in front of me with them and finding the strength to let go. It broke my heart to let go, and i still feel guilty to have been the one to ask for my ex back last january and then be the one to give up this last june, but i know what is going to be healthiest for me. I was fighting for someone emotionally unavailable who led me on that they could be open, and that they could change. I ignored all the early red flags, like the blatant and serious lying, feeling myself turn into someone I didn’t want to be, their serious inability to commit and lack of respect held for me as well as being taken for granted. Their inability to communicate, even when we needed it most and more lies and excuses for inexcusable behavior. I fell victim to the sweet promise of change, of going back to the way things were before true colors were shown. I ignored for so long what it meant when they could make time for their friends but never for me, not even when we had not seen or hardly spoken to eachother in weeks, with our interactions slowly diminished into them being glued to their phone when we would finally get to hang out, mostly ignoring my repeated attempts at conversation for a couple hours until they wanted me to fuck them. i feel sad that i put so much energy towards someone who wanted me to fight for them, who expected me to run after them, yet still refused to even look back or fight for me when i was the one leaving. refused to even react, just sit in their room and be fine. Its only been an affirmation of toxicity. giving up is hard for me, and giving up the love i feel for someone is the hardest decision i have ever made, but the sickness in my relationship made it easy, once i started to recognize it and see that I deserve an equally reciprocated love. i was stuck on all this for a while, but now the wounds are healing and i can assess the damage and try to grow. i have always had a big soft heart, a softness someone would be lucky to have despite the pain I have endured. But my heart is finally too tired of trying to be loved- it's grown cold in a way that that i'm reluctant to recover from. Ive come to terms that my mother will never love me unconditionally, and the same with my father, and with it is my drive to believe in and seek out a love like that elsewhere, a love that could match the kind I want so badly to give. I finally know what its like to have walls up in my heart that have a solid foundation, walls that even I, who alone knows every weakness in it, can see it as almost to impenetrable for comfort. I have no desire anymore for those who can't show me that i'm wanted just as equally in their life, a desire that has me leaving many behind. I've begun the recognition stage with everyone in my life now, and i'm learning the value of watching for the people who genuinely want me in their lives enough to make real effort and letting go of those who don't have my best interests in mind and can't participate in a healthy and equal giving/reciprocating relationship. but managing my relationships is only a small sliver of my journey, and counseling has taught me that. the solution to all of my problems lies within myself already. when i hit rock bottom i realized just how much weight i put into my relationships, and especially the wrong ones, and that has been a major building block for my journey. learning to love myself, by myself, is just as important to my healing process as identifying the issues that come from my upbringing. learning to peacefully live with myself, which includes my anxieties and shortcomings, is the only way to start a path away from choosing the wrong people in my life, and letting them affect me so greatly. i can't focus on someone else in the way they deserve without first coming from a healthy mindset ready to take on that challenge. i've been improving and working on that, and progress has definitely been good 👌🏼i'm no longer self harming and having ideations because of anyone else's actions, and i've finally got a crucial lesson through my head: nobody except for myself is going to make me better. no amount of anyone else's advice or support will make me secure enough in myself to overcome my anxiety, and i can't wait for someone to come along and help me, i have to do it myself and move on. because nobody will be there, that sign will never come and i only have myself for sure in my life, and only I can go that extra mile for myself. i have to work on the very way i think, and i can't blame myself for the steps i have to take to get there. it's hard not comparing my journey to someone else's but i have to remember that my journey towards happiness is mine alone, and learning to be happy alone is the first step. it's been hard for those who know me to understand when i work on being alone, and i do feel sorry for how not responding to them can make them feel but i know what i need to do in my daily life to work on overall happiness and to maintain my emotional individuality, as it's something i'm often too quick to give up. so that's it's for now, this was a long one lol and i don't think i'll edit it since i'm tired of writing so i'll start smaller stuff later

#personal

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nhlhoser · 6 years

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On The Rocks - 16

Part 15 Masterlist

Word Count: 3328

minor swearing as usual

Driving through Toronto is frustrating, traffic sucks - especially if you're exhausted and your annoying little brother keeps flipping through radio stations and singing along horribly when he finds something but changing it right after.

Speaking of changing stations as he's hand inches towards the knob again I swat his hand away with force, he gets the message and silently sits in his seat.

"Party girls don't get hurt..."

I don't have to see Ricky's face to know he's smirking, slowly he reaches the hand to the knob to turn up the SIA song but I beat him to it with volume control on the stirring wheel.

"IM GONNA SWIIING FROM THE CHANDELIER!!!!!!!!" I belt out the familiar lyrics with a huge grin despite the exhaustion weighing on my shoulders, at this moment I am carefree singing horribly as I drive my brother to his lacrosse practice, He's lucky the Arena is 5 minutes away from my apartment or he'd be shit out of luck.

I am way out of breath by the time the song finishes. I am in fits of laughter and so it Ricky, my core just gets more and more sore with every laugh.

"Oh, my....My abs....they hurt" I wheezed leaning my head on the wheel as I stop in front of the lacrosse arena, Ricky's still incomplete fits his head leaning against the window, tears rolling down his cheeks as he tries to catch his breath but going into fresh hysterics every time.

"Okay...get out of my car before you make me suffocate because I can-I can't breathe," I laugh out some more before finally getting some control, resting my hands on my clenched belly, taking deep calming breaths.

"Okay, okay I am going but I have a question," He's tone gets serious at the end making my brows furrow, slightly worried at what is next to come out of his mouth.

"So... My birthday is coming up and I was hoping I could have a party........at your place?" Ricky's puppy dog eyes have always been a weakness those big baby blues can make anyone weak. Right now that is what I am facing, the infamous begging face that Ricky only pulls when he really wants something.

"Did you ask Dad or your mom already?" I quizzed not really want my place to be overrun by Rick and his buddies. Ricky's shoulder slump and he don't look me in the eye, I raised my brow at him.

"..no..."

We lock in a staring contest, my face 'are you kidding me' Ricky's eyes are pleading. My eyes narrow at him.

"Why my place?" I whined pouting.

"Uhm Have you see the view? also, your place is fucking amazing!" He grins sensing he's winning the battle but I am not giving up that hard.

"I hate you" I started as his face morphs into sheer happiness making my heart swell, happy people are the best.

"You clean everything whether it's you personally or someone else, as long I am not doing it. Something goes missing you're replacing it, same goes for if anything breaks. The last call is 3 am everyone out by 4 and we'll discuss a date when I am not this exhausted and if I say it's over you bet your little ass IT IS OVER," I raised a brow challenging him to disagree with anything i just said. Ricky instantly jerked up and hit his head on the roof in excitement before literally tumbling out my car and onto the sidewalk before getting up and jumping up.

"AH! Yes, okay we'll talk when you're no longer a zombie," Ricky was all smiles as we said our goodbyes as he got his gear from my truck and into the facilities where some of his teammates met and him. By the cheers, I am guessing he told them that I said Yes- with conditions. I honk and wave before leaving for my apartment where I have food to make and a bed to sleep in.

Pissed is an understatement.

I was livid.

Mitchell Marner the little shit that he is is eating the food that he watched me meal prep last Sunday, and he is well aware that the food he is eating is the last of my prep for this week.

He sat at the barstool at the counter looking like a deer caught in headlights, a guilty look in his eyes as the empty container lay on the surface before him before he pushes it towards an unsuspecting William who is eating a salad.

"Nope, this is your problem," the words slightly muffled by the salad he's shoveling into his mouth as he pushes the container back to him shaking his head.

Taking a deep- a very deep breathe, I lock my eyes with Mitchells scared ones. Emotionless I approach the man-child.

"I am going to shower because I have had a long day, I would love to of been able to eat relaxed for the rest of the night. Having worked out this morning, gone to work and more training after. Thinking 'Oh I have food ready at home' otherwise I wouldn't have gone to training but now here's how we're gonna do this, so I don't murder you. The only reason you're still breathing is that I have burned all the energy in my body and I can't replenish unless I have the specific amount of protein, calories, and carbs." My face and voice level and calm, making Mitch squirm as William watches with wide eyes.

"You are going to go get me food, and it's going to match my nutation plan, reasonable if I say so myself," I held back a smile as Mitch's shoulder slump in relief when he learns that he gets to live for another day, only because all of Toronto would kill me.

After giving Mitch earful of the exact grams and ml of what needs to be in my food and what food I do or do not like. Like a little puppy with, his tail between his legs he retreats out of the apartment collect his jacket and keys.

"Thanks for not killing my boyfriend! I would of if I was you, No one touches my food," Steph said coming down the stairs, by her still wet hair she just out of the shower.

"Will, Honey you know you don't live here right?" Stephanie approached her fellow blonde with a teasing smile as she throws her arm around his shoulders giving him a side hug. A red tint started to spread across his cheeks as he's still eating. He takes moment to swollen the contents in his mouth before responding.

"That I am aware, but that brings up what I was meaning to ask Amelia this morning," He pauses and his face looking shyer than I have ever seen it. My brows furrow with concern, Steph face mirroring mine.

"Uhm.... well Can I stay in the guest room tonight?" His eyes big and sad.

I responded the same time as Steph.

"Of course,"

"Why?"

Steph's face morphs into one of confusion and suspicion as she steps away from the poor boy, as if William burned her, making William frown and making my heart ache.

Sad William is the worst and most terrible thing I have ever witnessed and if there's a way for him to not be sad, I'd most likely do. I am a pushover, especially when I am this tired.

"Awe Steph don't be mean to him," I whined as I brought Will into a hug squish him, resting my chin on his head. "How can you be mean to this face?" I squish his cheeks as he narrowed his eyes at me not impressed.

"Nylander you broke my roommate," Steph giggled as I rolled my eyes and playfully push him away but he in return almost fell off the stool.

"I am starting to think I should have just asked Marty," Will huffed regaining his position on the stool.

"Don't worry, William. Amelia is just in delirium right now from a lack of multiple things." Stephanie teased bringing me into an awkward side hug and it's my turn to glare. Gently pushing her off towards the couch where she dramatically threw herself over to watch TV.

"Whatever, Where you want to stay if up to you. I am going to have that shower now. Will, the room should be made already if not just bugged Steph," I smirked as Steph huffed from the couch but didn't protest.

Collecting my gear that I dropped at the front door when I caught the food thief, I toss my nasty gym clothes into the wash and then poured some baby powder into my box gloves and my gym shoes to absorb the sweat and the odor. Empty the bag I take with me to the rink, my collection of oils, creams, and physio tapes tumble out onto the folding table before I rearrange the bottle back into place in my medicine cabinet where I keep all my first aid gear and massage oils.

Grabbing my massage chair I bring it out of the laundry room and lay it against the wall before grabbing sanitizer spray to spray it down for tomorrow because Morgan will be over for his pre-game shoulder massage which has become a vital part of his routine or that's what he says at least.

Finally having everything set for the morning, I'm gassed. I yawn leaning against the door frame of the room watching Steph click through the movies on Netflix and William disagreeing with anything she suggests before she smacks him and chooses the notebook much to Williams dismay and whining.

"Have you even watched the Notebook?" Steph snapped at the hockey player who silently shook his head and both of us girls groaned.

Grabbing the box of tissues from the cabinet to myself I push myself off the doorframe and hand the box to Will who passes it to Steph but Steph hands them back before smirking.

"There for you, big boy," I clapped him on the back before head to my awaiting shower.

I'm practically sleepwalking by the time my shower is done, the hot water relaxed me to the core. Mindlessly drying myself off, brushing my hair and going into my closet, I throw on a soft loose shirt and black shorts before yawning extra hard and walking to my bed throwing myself over to another side to Check my phone on the side table.

Somewhere between reading a text message from Ricky and my dad, I must have fallen asleep because I'm slowly blinking open my eyes when there's a soft knocking on my bedroom door.

"M'come in" I sit up in time to realize I never actually put on my shirt, quickly tossing the white fabric over my head as a blonde I head pokes in followed by the rest of his body, a shaker bottle in hand.

"I thought you might want a protein shake to tide you over until Mitch returns," William offers the bottle, shyly standing in the doorway. I wave him over eyeing the shake with heart eyes, I practically snatch it from him when he gets closer. Drinking about half in the first go earning a chuckle from Will.

"Mmm so goood, thank you Will," I tiredly beam at the blonde.

"It's no problem, I got bored with the movie and Steph was really into," Will casually shrugs his shoulders before flopping in my bed face first with a groan and a giggle from me.

"You good?" I poke his tense shoulder as he lets out a sigh and turns his head to face me exposing a frown.

"I'm scared," He confesses making my heart ache for him.

"Of tomorrow?" slightly shocked

"Yeah, just its scary if we don't win tomorrow we're so screwed, it's just some much easier for us tomorrow than have to win on Sunday and hope Tampa loses. The what if we don't win tomorrow or the next and Tampa wins. We're so potentially screwed but not it hurts my head," Will groans in the pillows before his shoulders slump and facing me again still sad.

My head hurts for him and all the leafs but the rookie's success brings this added pressure for them. Now that they've done big things, that's all people expect is great.

"Well, Willy you have to remember you're only human just like everyone else on the team and on the ice. You're also not alone out there, you guys have already proved yourself all you can do is play your damn heart out and if that's not enough- well fuck them. As long as you played your hardest screw everyone else," My voice firm and soft like I was with Auston earlier.

"You're also not the only one freaking the fuck out, Auston was hiding in a private therapy room and told him almost the same thing," I chuckle at the memory from earlier. William flips on his back staring up at the light gray ceiling before looking back at me with a soft smile making his feature look much younger.

"Amelia you're really good at this making people feel relax thing, Auston told me about his little meditation session but didn't tell me about his freak out," Will's lips quirk up into a smirk at the end earning him a glare.

"If you think you can chirp him for being a human being with emotions, I'll personally let the team know about your freak out, William Nylander." I threaten the smirk right off his face making him pout.

Before anything else could be said the door of my apartment is slammed open then closed with a yell from Mitch about my food and probably a grumble that only could be heard by Steph because of an auditable slap and a yelp from Mitch.

"He's whipped," William laughs.

"And you wouldn't be?" I tease giggling at Williams grumpy face.

"You know you're just as good at making people feel bad as you can good," William whines getting up from my bed before dragging me up too, grabbing the almost empty bottle of shake and finishing it off much to my protests.

"Hey!"

"Shouldn't have been mean," William taunted pushing me out of the room.

I near attacked Mitch for my food when I get to the living room, leaving the poor boy wide-eyed as I attack my steak, broccoli and salad the smell assaulting my nose and making my stomach roar in hunger so loud I was now the one left Wide-eyed as everyone laughed.

"Down girl," I muttered rubbing my tummy as I set my food on the dining table and plopping down into a chair ready to devour the delicious contents but stopping in my greedy quest id chew to thank Mitch even though he is his own reason for going out.

"Thank chew," My words muffled.

"No problem," Mitch smiles as he plops between the empty space between William and Steph throw his arm around his girlfriend.

"Better not be a problem YOU ate her food," Steph poked his chest with gusto before cuddling into it. shaking my head now over the little episode from earlier now that I am eating.

Food and showers work wonders.

Halfway through my food the familiar sound of hockey starts coming from the Tv meaning Mitch probably is watching gameplay, Williams confession earlier makes me stop mid-chew to look over to Will practically hiding in the couch now looking at the screen, making my heart ache. Looking at food then back at Will, I sigh before finishing my salad and closing the container before sticking it in the fridge with a longing stare.

"Hey, Uhm Amelia my shoulder is stiff do you have any of the shoulder cream?" Williams' voice breaks me from my staring contest with my food, startling me. Turning around and almost knocked into him he's so close.

"Jesus William, Yeah it's either in the cabinet or upstairs," I know it's down here but I think he just wants to not be watching hockey. Heading to the laundry room with William in tow, I pull him in and open the cabinet door open blocking off the view into the room.

"Actually need this," Holding the A535 in my hand "Or just don't wanna be here?" I said ridiculously gesturing around the apartment. Will's shoulders drop relief.

"Just don't wanna hockey, you know?" His expression pained and sad.

"Well, let's go upstairs and 'work on the shoulder' leave these love sickos alone," I teased closing the cabinet, nudging Will with wink pushing him towards the stairs. Wishing Mitch and Steph a good night.

William gets to my bed before I do and lays starfish taking up the entire queen sized bed.

"Better move your ass over boy,"

"or what?" William challenged like a child wagging his brows getting more comfortable on the bed. Rolling my eyes at the man-child that is William Nylander. Turning my back to him to set up my laptop to my tv and turn on netlix and queueing up Pirates of the Caribbean, turning back to bed where William is still taking up the bed eyes closed. Turning the lights off, I jump on the unprepared blonde.

"ah," He groaned.

I laid on my stomach across his giggling as his arms surround me and flip me over to his side and adjusts us so my head lays on his chest his arms still around me. He's incredibly warm making a chill run down my spine.

A good chill.

I reach down the bed to pull my fuzzy blanket that I keep folded at the end, pulling it over us. Making me snuggle closer to William because of the heat his producing and the fabric of the blanket still cold from the air.

"Thank you for letting me stay over," William whispered halfway through the movie slightly starling me, forgetting my personal heater is, in fact, a person. Tilting my head up lazily, my blue eyes connect with him, full of emotions that I can't pinpoint.

"It's not a problem," I smiled softly up at him as he smiles down, his large surprisingly soft hand (not that surprising knowing Will) brushes the hair from my eyes to behind my ear before his handsets under my jaw. My cheeks are on fire due to my blush, I am not used to-to this type of intimate-IS THIS INTIMATE?- contact. Williams thumb faintly brushes over my lip before leaning his head down brushing his lips against mine softly.

This would have been great if I didn't squeak causing him to jerk his head smashing his head down against my nose spring instant tears and another squeak. My hands fly to my face instinctively protecting my nose from more damage.

"Oh my- are you okay? are you bleeding?" Came Williams frantic words helping me sit up straight, my hand's still over my face as I stare wide-eyed into Williams equally wide eyes. Embarrassed being an understanding.

"I am so sorry, just I thought there was a moment, I, I just went for it. Oh, man, that's one way to say you don't wanna kiss," Will ramble trailing off at the end look dejected.

"No, it's not that its - I-" I paused taking my hands from my face a tiny bit of blood on my hands, grabbing a tissue from the nightstand to my left cleaning up a little, stopping the bleeding before going on. "You're hot, believe me- but I don't like you like that," My face was scolding hot with a blush.

"Thank god," William huffed falling back in the pillows. "I thought there was a moment then nothing- I felt nothing it was like kissing a relative," a chuckle and a snort turns into a fit of laughter only stop by my aching my nose.

#auston matthews imagine #auston matthews #william nylander #482754 #on the rocks

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happydays-xd · 4 years

Text

how are you?

what have you been up to?

i miss you

do you miss me?

i'm still in love with you

i wake up every morning, with a void in my heart - so empty that it hurts

idk what to do with my day - i know what i should do but i can never pull myself to do it

i can't stop checking if you're online

when i look at my phone, the only thing i think about is you

my mind is constantly thinking about you

there's not a minute where i stop thinking about you

i totally deserve this - the punishment i must endure for the shit that i have done to you

i know i should independently find my own happiness - but honestly you were the best happiness that i had found

i wish i can ask back for what i had lost

did you want to start again?

we don't have to continue from where we had left off

let's be true and honest with each other and tell what we want and need each other to do - additionally as well as what we shouldn't do

i would do anything.. to be with you again

i know our relationahip was toxic... but being with you has been an amazing experience. it's an experience that i still want to keep with and i know it's hard for the both of us but i really want to make it work. ive always held on and made sure that i didnt lose you but now that i have, i really regret it. in saying this though, im only asking but also hoping, if you were to ever want to start again - im always here. it's been 3 weeks since we broke up and honestly, it's been a grueling 3 weeks. it's been a week since we stopped talking and the whole experience has just been so difficult to move on from. my days feels so slow and i always just wake up being reminded that i have no one to really talk to. friends are not just the same. losing a s/o wasnt the only thing i lost. i lost a best friend. i lost my only partner in crime, my number one supporter and... you were my everything.

It's a month now and two months since the incident. I still greatly regret what I have done. I also hate myself for it. You're now going to therapy because of it and idk when you will ever forgive me but I don't think I will ever forgive myself, and this feeling will never reside. I'm so sorry for what I have done to you. I should of said something. I should of just asked. All I needed to do was ask you. I hope that the therapy will help you get back on track and whether or not you forgive me, I don't really mind. Because I know that what you're feeling right now and then is more painful and hurtful than mine. So I deserve this. I derserve whatever punishment I will take or that will come at me.

I'm still getting over you. I'm still waking up every day feeling sad and empty. I can't famine the lost of someone that was so important to me. Everything I do reminds me of you. No matter what I do I can't forget you. I don't understand why I am not able to let go of you. I can't seem to distract myself enough to realise that I am just hurting myself. Why am I like this?

I'm slowly healing but I'm also still in love with you. I still have the smallest hope in ever being with you again. I hope that everyone is doing well and is okay. I miss the little one. I miss the loving mother. I miss the great father. I miss the realest sister. I miss them all so much and most of all, I miss you. It still feels extremely lonely. I try my best to cheer myself up and make an attempt to go out and socialise with other people, but it's just not the same when I get home - or when I am driving home by myself. The feeling of no one next time me. The presence of someone just by my side. Someone who loved me... It still hurts that you are gone and it hurts more that I don't know what you are doing now and that you have completely shut yourself away from me. I guess I can understand because you probably can't stand seeing me or you can't resist reaching out to me. I get it.. You just want to move on... I'm always here for you, you know that right?... and I'm always here... if you want to start again

It's almost our 2 year anniversary.. I know it probably doesn't mean anything anymore since we're not together but, the thought of it still hurts. I don't know if I have moved on from you. I look back now to all the arguments that we had and the amount of patience I had for you. It was hard for me to accept it. I had someone asked me why I loved you, or what was it that I missed about you. For reason I had trouble for a bit to think of something that I genuinely missed. I appreciated you for the amount of effort you gave to me even though I knew it was something that was out of your comfort zone. I appreciated the manners and life skills that you had taught me to be better in believing in myself and being more self-caring. You truly made me into a even better person than I was already. But alas, I realised as well that during our lowest moments there were times where it felt like I was a pushover. The things that you said to me were painfully harsh and I was loving blindly and was always in denial of the flaws in the relationship. I wish we communicated more in person. I wish that you were able to just speak to me openly about what was wrong. I don't regret this relationship at all, I'm angry but more sad that I really lost my best friend. I understand that it's generic to be doing everything with your significant other but the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years... spent with you was amazing and I would never want to throw that experience away. This has been a lesson to me to take home and to continue developing into a even better person. I'm still sorry for what I have done but I also hope that you can forgive me. If we had spoken about it in person and tried to solve it... we could had still been together. But I guess what is meant to be was meant to be. I love you, and I hope that you are well. Hopefully someday the both of us can find true happiness if not in each other then in somebody else or with ourselves.

It really hurts seeing you be friendly with other guys. I know, you're not my gf anymore but my heart still aches. No matter how hard I try to look away, I always end up finding you in my way. Amongst the crowd of people, you still continue to stick out. I was angry and frustrated at the things you did and what I saw. Were you intentionally making me jealous or something?! I know the scale is different to what I did and what I saw but to cling onto a complete stranger? Tell me that I wouldn't be hurt by that.

When I received that text from you that day. My heart froze. I was filled with so many emotions. Shocked, thrilled, anxious, terrified.. Your apologies didn't feel like apologies. Even when you apologised you still backed yourself up and told me other reasons why you hated me and why you happened to be like this. I get it. I know I have done wrong. You make me feel worse than I already am and I am honestly trying my best to even forgive myself. It may seem to you that I am trying to move on by talking to other girls but do you really have to tell or remind me that you don't want your position to be taken away from you? And seriously, adding in that it was a 'failed relationship'? I'm sorry that I poured my heart out for you and withstood all the hardship. Like for it to occur and be acknowledged now, yet still backing yourself up does not make me feel any better. Frankly it seems like this whole 'apology' you call, is for your own closure and benefit. You didn't even ask how I was. You didn't question how my family was. You didn't show any sign of care in the world for me. You only gave me the empathy after I told you how I had felt. If you did emphasised with me then why did it have to be prompted before it was given? I've been confused, hurt and frustrated with my emotions for you. I really did hurt you, but you hurt me just the same amount. Or even more. You told me you loved me, but why did it feel like I had to plead for that love..

After reading that text, I broke and was full of self hatred. That night, the promise was broken. I guess it's not your concern since you aren't with me, but thinking back - the comment you made about not wanting to be with me because I was mentally unstable was correct. What really hurts was that you loved and cared about me, but you still with no remorse was indefinite about breaking up with me. I think back on those moments in time where I had reached my limit and you had experienced me literally on my knees on the floor breaking - only then you came to forgive me.

You do know that I'm not really happy right? Even if you see that external image that I put in front of everyone, deep down I'm still sad. I'm still unable to decide between whether I should be a bigger person and accept that things are what they are and move on - or that I should ignore and avoid you because I really can't be in the same room as you. Don't get me wrong, I am more than capable enough to be in the same room but I'll probably be extremely anxious, confused mentally and sad afterwards. I'm sorry that I am like this, I don't even know if I should be apologizing but I guess for some people it's easy to just move on and forget everything. Not saying that it is easy but people make it seem easy and because of what I went through only makes sense that I should move on - but I can't. I can't move on because.. I miss it. I miss us. I really, really missed what we had. It was truly something special that we had. Something that made us unique to other couples. A story to tell every other person of how we met and how long we had known each other. Our story is basically a fairy tale and it was amazing to have. I just can't believe that that fairy tale is no longer a thing and it feels like we're just strangers now. I'm star struck by the journey that the both of us took from being close friends and having same interest and love for music, to becoming couples, and now total strangers who hate each other... I wish, you knew. How I truly feel. About my feelings during post-breakup. I wish you also knew how much I really tried. Not saying that you didn't but, I was head over heels for you. I know that I had my moments and I wish I had been better but it hurts to revisit those memories only to see that you were not too empathetic for me and always I would apologise for feeling the way I felt.

I JUST MISS YOU OKAY? I MISS THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU UPDATE ME ABOUT HOW YOUR DAY WAS. I MISS YOU TELLING ME HOW ANNOYING YOUR BROTHER WAS. I MISS UPDATES ABOUT YOU IN UNI. I MISS YOUR ACHIEVAMENTS UPDATES AND HOW MUCH YOU ARE UNDERSTANDING THE CONTENT. I MISS YOU TALKING ABOUT MONASH. I MISS HOW YOU ALWAYS TALK SMACK ABOUT MONASH BUT STILL LOVE IT. I MISS YOU SENDING ME CUTE SELFIES. I MISS YOU SENDING DERP SELFIES. I MISS YOUR SILLY FACES. I MISS HOW COMFORTABLE WE WERE. I MISS HOW YOU WOULD JUST FART. I MISS YOUR ACCENTS. I MISS YOU BEING CUTE. I MISS IT ALL. And, and it fucking sucks that I don't get to experience any of this anymore. I always kept telling myself that I was so fucking lucky to be with you. That I was really going to marry you one day. I thought about our future and I tried my best to change my flaws to be more of a suitable boyfriend. I swear I tried everything in my power and my mindset to make things better. I always thought we had enough trust in each other. But I guess not...

Wow. Um, I don't know what made me do it but I messaged you and yeah, complimented and you replied. I was a little surprised that you did. You didn't bother to continue the conversation. Fair enough. I really should stop trying so hard to hold on... I really wanted you to ask me how I was going.. so that I could tell you what I had been going through, but I made the mistake of making myself sound like I was okay with everything. Then again, I'm not really sure what you have been going through so I shouldn't be so sure and judge. It hurts though. Um, I guess I am slowly getting better. I mean writing it out now means that I'm not completely over it but yeah.. I'm still feeling strange about it. It's still uncomfortable to try to be happy or to feel like I should be treating myself.

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