#im just insane and having an autism moment dont mind me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whiteoutzz · 4 months

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thinking about 3animoons whiteout and darkstalker dynamic. she is soo done with her stupid brother and loosing her mind and being very tired and having enough of his silly mind games and him trying to get her to use her powers for him for petty or just bad things but also darkstalker is a powerless looser who is scared all the time and probably uses his claws more than in canon mostly because he does not have much weapons otherwhise.

both of them are attached at the hip and clinging onto eachother even if whiteout knows how it will probably end. she also feels responsible for him because you know while darkstalker is horrible and had he is kind of in a position where he is in alot of danger and she just worries and tries to make sure arctic doesnt flip out and do something bad of him but sometimes she also wants to bash his head with a brick herself.

and darkstalker is petty and jealous of whiteout because she got all the cool powers but maybe almost likes having another dragon sit in his mind all the time and the whole "shes the one who truly understands me" thing.

also both of them are kind of violent. whiteout mostly because she is bullied and harrased all the time and she knows why and she is in horror limbo when she cant tell the intentions of dragons around her (autism) but she also can directly read their thoughts that are so loud and it is a very confusing experience.

at some point her classmates start to be geniuenly afraid of her and maybe she almost likes having this sense of control. her relation to her powers is "i dont have soul that is worth saving so im just going to use them and im probably destined to go insane or die early". also darkstalker treats her often kind of like attack dog and it works because she will tear you apart bloody if you hurt her brother.

but at the end she needs to realize that maybe her relationship with her brother is not good even if he geniuenly loves her. she gets actual support system, even if i think originally fathom and indigo were very wary of her they did realize o shittt she does not actually want that. violence is fun in a moment but she is not violent by nature she is just angry.

also her relationship with clearsight is bit interesting because originally she didnt trust her alot but eventually got really close and attached to her and just clinged to her in non malicious mannor and clearsight cared for her but sometimes she would maybe get bit annoyed at that.

also listener gets called out at her bullshit and is present from time to time in whiteouts pov. so yeah.

#snow.txt #3 animoons whiteout au #< need better name for this au but for now it stays like that #longpost #wof au #wings of fire au

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psychrolutidae · 7 days

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Restless legs syndrome is prbably my least favorite knee sensation. Heres some childhood stuff that also makes my cpu overclock (reddit rant#2)

r/chronohaul

Man i wish i coud just do an audio message on here but im not doxxing myself im a [probably] autistic highschool girl who gets mass downvoted every few weeks. Anyway ive been thinking 🤔 I've been thinking 😁 idk how the Yakuza works and idc to learn cause thats a little too #real yanno so if I'm off the mark here i dont give a dam. But theres two ways the whole school thing can go: they go to whatever school together and probably don't speak to anyone other than each other (kai out of disgust, sickness etc, hari out of "ok that's what kais doing and i dont really have the desire to do anything else so I'll just follow him around [thats actually a pretty succinct chronostasis character analysis in general]"). i imagine kai would struggle with germs and stuff and hari would stand guard casually outside of broom closets and bathroom stalls while he had breakdowns in there (lost kitten by metric moments! listen to it now When you come undone i cover you uuuuppp) and then kai would just come back out not really looking any better and say Okay lets go.

And the other angle is the two of them confined to the hideout, the youngest in the building so having next to no one to ask for help with questions from the textbooks tht were requested to be procured by pops . This one Low Key makes me insane cause it completely recontextualizes them. Like wdym you two literally only had each other through your entire childhood and now you just say shit like "sorry 4 the wait i was trying to keep our trail clear" "thanks" likw HUH HUH

even the idea of them going to school together does that to me cause i doubt they ever talked to anyone but each other so. A little more socially adapted but still very isolated situation.

This would create The most insane codependency youve ever seen. Literally only having one other person your age who completely understands your living situation would drive you insane. The more i think about them the less likely i feel like it is to ever do deep character analyses on either of them without coming to the conclusion that they Cannot survive without each other. And that's gay as hell.

One more thing. Is the idea that they knew what their roles as adults were going to be. At a certain age they would cease to be friends and become boss and employee. And. They knew thjs the whole time. Allll the training chrono did tk become a marksman was done with the knowledge in mind that he was going to directly serve kai. How do u liveeee with ur best friend knowing ur gonna be directly subordinate to him indefinitely.&."!&!&!"!*!_!&! What did this knowledge do to their baby psyches. (It made them more codependent).

So non e of this stuff about them growing up in the organization together is evr confirmed but like ... if chrono was friends w kai as a child and then joined the shie hassaikai later in life i kinda doubt he would have as much admiration fkr what kai does for ut bc chrono does show a devotion for the SH. Hes like This is 4 the gang!!! And gets stabbed its like that vine with the guy shooting a basketball and saying This one is to end racism and then missing the shot. So to me this is my canon just cause it makes sense. And if it came out that chronos joining the sh was a "quit yr job" "why" "join my emo band" scenario well I'm gonna be really upset

Anyway just to be clear the potential autism isnt the reason i talk weird i just think its funny and Freeing to use weird diction and go off on tangents. The potential autism is definitely the reason i spend half an hour writing these things though. Love you all (no one is reading this) 💖

#p #chronohaul #chronostasis #hari kurono #OVerhaul #kai chisaki

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axolozzy · 6 months

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LITERALLY GOING INSANE RN AHHHHH

me irl right now this second

HAHHHHHHHH I LOVE MY OCS SO MUCH!!! AND MY FRIENDS OCS!!!! THEYRE SO COOL AHHHHHH

DONT MIND ME JUST HAVING AN AUTISM MOMENT

i’m filled with so much energy and love for the universe rn wow AHHHHH WOW!!!! SO SILLY!!!! NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT BUT AHHHHHHH HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!

#I LOVE MY OCS SOOO FUCKING MUCH #JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT THERE #IDK IDK #FHJSHSGSHDHS #OK IM DONE #bluejays oc rambles #bluejay says stuff

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papermachedreamballoon · 2 years

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SAW KING GIZZARD LIVE 6/4/23

intro under the cut !!!! :3

!!! I AM AN MSPEC LESBIAN/GAY SUPPORTER, TURIGIRL/LESBOY SUPPORTER, & GAYBIAN SUPPORTER!!!! IF YOU DO NOT SUPPORT THEM GET THE FUCK OFF MY PAGE !!!

HII HELLO !! im the #1 hawaii part ii fan. also the #2 stu mackenzie fan (@aliienoiid is #1) & #2 herbert west fan (@riddlefag is #1). sometimes i close the tab on accident & dont care enough to open it back up so i go inactive for like weeks at a time sorry about that

talk to me about king gizzard & tally hall i swear i will be normal i swear

mutuals ask for my disc PLEASE

twitter: _explodingsuns insta: hawaiipart.ii heads up i am not super active on either so

hawaiipart-ii -> papermachedreamballoon finnegan, amby, scott, bora, joe, joey, & ambrose are the names i prefer at the moment, but feel free to ask for the others :3 i use he/him but it/its & neos are fine too i dont care too much

feel free to ask for my theriotypes/fictionkins

ALSO speaking of fictionkins, i dont mind doubles, EXCEPT for doubles of fan from inanimate insanity. hes literally the most me ever like im so serious ive never felt more “thats me literally” when thinking of/hearing/looking at one of my fictionkins. feel free to interact & such if youre a fan double, but preferably dont follow^^ dni: general dni criteria, terfs, harry potter fans, anti-neos/xenogenders, anti-therian/otherkin, anti-mspec gays/lesbians (do some fucking research), anti-lesboys/turigirls (again, do some fucking research), dsmp/vivziepop fans you’re on very thin fucking ice (excluding if we’re already friends), people who defend shit people, etc etc. also ‘endogenic’ systems fuck off

dont give much of a shit about what labels/flags you use as long as they arent harmful or anything. dont involve me in any lgbt discourse though (if i get annoyed enough i will just involve myself)

ermmm i have adhd & autism

please only talk to me in english otherwise i will try to put them in google translate & then i will be confused

i do say the f slur & swears & i dont tag them. i also dont tag anything to do with weed idk. other drugs i do tag though

if you want me to tag anything though. feel free to ask im more than happy to (might forget it every now & then) very into king gizzard, miracle musical/tally hall, ninjago, rottmnt, re-animator, oingo boingo, talking heads, the ocean, subnautica, inside (bo burnham), astronomy, bfdi/ii, & ermm. probably more idk i forgot i also like black midi (the band), felinology, lagomorphology, project sekai, will wood, no man’s sky, lemon demon, evil hall, floristry, breaking bad, botany, meteorology, & ornithology, but im not fixated on them atm so

diehard “jimmy mushrooms’ last drink (bedtime in wayne, nj)” fan

art sideblog is @coinybfdi but i don’t post there like ever

(userbox by @/sweetpeauserboxes, blinkie by @/deesaster)

#intro post #therian safe #therian friendly #otherkin safe #otherkin friendly #irl safe #irl friendly #xenogender safe #xenogender friendly #neopronoun safe #neopronoun friendly

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effyoudumbler · 5 months

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Notes written when I was insane 1

I name things I like, after things I wish to understand

That’s the crux of me, isnt it. All that I like, is that which I have Desire to understand, and yet, simply Cannot. If I could, I would, and so, I wouldn’t have any reason to like that thing anymore. Tragic.

In order to every enjoy things, I have to severely limit my acuity. That, or, I have to be paying attention to just one part about it I dont understand

Yeah

“

I was hunting those animals

And played my misery

But then

It turned out to be birds

Building a nest for a family

…

That is surreallity.

Why was he hunting them

Who is he

Why is he there

The only clue is his appearance

A nobody really

And

The music he played

And how he stopped and seemed

Longing, and sorrowful

Very subtle

Looked forlorn, incomplete

Staring, with a mild, sad turn of his lips

Once he realized theres no animal

Birds

Building a nest

And so he leaves

Why was I shown this

Why is this something that the man remembers

Its obviously about longing for a family

But

Its so

Dreamlike, of an interpretation

It seemed like nothing happened

And yet

In his eyes, this was very, deeply important

Yes, in his eyes….

The sad man, and the nesting roost of birds in his properties woods

So close

So far

Unobtainable

In pain

Hurt

Humans were built to worship

Poor man

When a man dies, his treasures die with him

Such is fate

All of this dream, is but a song

That takes me somewhere else

So that I can endure the wild real life

All of my endeavors

Are but love

A mechanical inclination of hunger

Desiring to… how to put it…

Be greater than even the pulse of Time itself

To be immortal

But also

Something more

To be pure again

To be pure, again

I am obsessive because I am scared

Im scared because my autism produces extra stress, and on top of that, makes stress deplenish very slowly

Im stronger than i realize

If i can be up 32 hours no sweat

Coffee sure is something

What was that garbage mother handed me long ago

It hardly worked at all

This shits the real stuff

Wow

Id have DOUBLE the time to do anything

Any

Thing

Woahhhhhhhhh

All of the things

Double double double double

I give up

And the reason is

I mask around others

So hard

Ive lost my way

And Im stubborn to a fault

Dammit

So thats how i die

I see it so clear now

I will die due to my action of stubborness

If not random chance

Refusing to admit there is a problem

Well

More so

Im so lonely

Short term gains

I cant live without it, I say

I say

Whenever have I proved

Witgout confidence

There is no future

I cannot keep masking

But

I dont want to be weak

Vulnerable

Why

Youre obsessed with that

Without confidence

There is no future

I just

Without money

I feel no confidence

Forced to talk

To leave

I feel no confidence

I cant trust my family

I dont want to be weak

I also have a burning curiosity

When i was younger i wouldnt have minded being weak

But not anymore

Weakness gets you worse than death

Loneliness

…

How can i do work when im starving

How cqn i eat when i have to cook

How can i cook if i have to clean

How can i clean when people wont help

When everything is so ugly

Then i have to shower

And defecate

Tsk

You are a person who must fold to Anxiety

Think of this

Once anxiety hits you

You should do everything you can

To obliterate it

“But then ill get new anxieties”

So what

They were always there anyway

Whether or not you tried now or later

You must tackle anxieties

The moment they appear in your head

You are where your treasure is

If my wife worked at like

Some shitty job hauling plutonium

Damn sure I’d go there with her

Just to be in the surrounding vicinities of her

Its what I feel must be done

I want a wife who wants a helicopter husband

Cringe

Sigh

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beyondthebarricadephotos · 7 years

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Personal Update

Hiiiiiiiiiii……….. iiiI have absolutely no idea how to start this, but i guess the beginning is a pretty good start.

(Im not gonna lie i am absolute shit when it comes to talking about things in my life especially my health but im trying to work on that and hopefully use it to help educate in the future)

Il'l be honest this last year and a half-two years has been rough, no one ever tells you the sheer difference between just knowing about something and coming to terms with it being reality.

Growing up we always knew i had ADHD and even got that tested/medicated very quickly. But we also always knew i had Autism to some degree, unfortunately living in the south in the late 90s there weren’t many people willing to test/label a girl with that (things are ass backwards down here what can i say). What they don’t realize is its essentially social suicide by not getting me tested then because being the outcast of the outcast and not be able to offer explanations that does thing to people. But, At least we knew about it early on because i was able to do my own research over time and even found ways to work with people on the spectrum to better understand my own problems.

Now flash forward to the summer in between my 2nd and 3rd year of college, i can’t explain it but its like reality was playing catch up to the point that the DAY before my junior year was supposed to start I dropped out. Although i will admit at the time my reasoning was because of my mom having surgery and someone need to keep an eye on her for a bit. What I didn’t know however was giving my mind room to breathe finally would start sort of a domino effect of problems.

So now lets jump to the spring of 2016. I’ve had a lot going on both mentally and physically my whole life (especially right now) but for some reason one night as im sitting at a music festival camera in hand waiting on the main act to start i look around and for the first ever I felt like i was at home. You’d think that’d be a good thing right? Almost but not quite. Following that little realization i FINALLY got someone to get me tested and sure enough right in the middle of summer not even a week after Warped Tour, i got the answers I’d been waiting ages for. Not only did we finally have definitive diagnosis of Level 1 ASD we also found several things that had been lurking in my minds shadows (i.e. More anxiety, depression, insomnia, bi-polar, slight manic) which was fine but also felt like the entire floor had ripped out from under me with no warning.

Now, Ive dealt with depression off/on my whole life but it is TERRIFYING to be in an all out mental free fall and not even be aware of it at first. Im not even joking when i say i felt like i was going insane. I can say now though that I completely get why people love New Years. After months of trying to understand things and recalibrate meds we’d finally found a combo that works, and even driving that point home with me having a huge mental break through happened on New Years eve. As im typing this right now i can tell you my mental state is miles better than it was at the beginning of this year, theres still a lot of work to be done on my end but my self awareness and recognition has increased exponentially for someone late to the show here.

Oh, But wait! Theres more……….

Remember me saying there were physical problems occurring too? Well, around late 2015-all of 2016 I started having intestinal issues again which as someone who’s had ulcers before thats not something you want to feel again, ever. Except it wasn’t ulcers and after a shit ton of test we did determine it wasn’t my gallbladder either (s/o to my genetics), in the end it just kind of got chalked up to anxiety considering i had also been dealing with what we had thought was the start of TMJ (thanks mom).

And really that was pretty much the running theory up until February of this year happened. When i tell you my body has impeccable timing im beyond serious because literally TWO DAYS before my umptienth visit with the oral surgeon my jaw……well long story short, my jaw had been partially dislocating itself for a year until it finally just decided popped back into place on its own. Which yeah great that answers that problem, but the gut issues han only gotten significantly worse at this point. Spareing some details and numerous appointments, about mid spring this year we found out I actually have what is known as Auto-immune Pancreatitis, Sounds bad right? Because it is. Sad part is it would’ve been found a lot sooner too if it wasn’t for my almost inhuman pain tolerance. Even funnier is both EDS (associate with my jaw problem) and Pancreatitis are fairly common in Autistic and ADHD people (Story of my life at this point).

Were, still not done though!

Ontop of ALL of this ive also been getting significantly more frequent migraines, again not new in my life but it is something thats finally being paid proper attention to (kind of). Migraines aside, another problem being that my whole life i’ve always had a higher resting heat rate than most people, again very common in adhd people and athletes. Whats not common about it, is for my average to be 115bpm while sitting perfectly still and then jumping on its own all the way to 170bpm without me having moved an inch (bare in mind 115 for me is what 60 would be for most people so 170 is probably more like 130 in normal people).

Which bring me to the last couple of months here. Technical jargon and process aside we(my cardiologist) have fortunately found that it’s not a valve and it’s not a rythm problem but it is an electrical problem known as Sinus Tachycardia or laymens terms; my heart beats way to fast naturally and randomly speeds up on its own without any outside prompting. At this point in time the main goal is to figure the why i have some sort short circuit in my system and then the migraines and other things i haven’t mentioned can be dealt with.

And that “self tanner” photo (on insta), that is from me havin a LINQ montir placed in my chest so that my heart can be monitored 24/7. No i can’t feel it, yes i was awake, yes i mean my boob, no it doesn’t stay in forever it only has a battery life of about three years……

As for what this means in terms of the future of my photography: I’m not giving up on Beyond the Barricade I actually even have several ideas to make it so much better than what i originally had planned. But for right now i have to raise the caution flag and take a step back from basically everything in music. As much as i dont want too my health comes first and even if mentally im in a much better place physically its hard to even just get out bed most day and getting this sorted is my number one priority. Yeah, I might be down at the moment but i will be damned if i let life count me out. I’m still here I promise.

-JT

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/thiggy_/

#photography #music #like anyone gives a shit

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