#im in the nastiest mood ever i literally wanna fucken die

[miwtze]

distance (ushijima wakatoshi x reader)

cw: depression, intrusive thoughts, ushi might be ooc idk 

wc: 1.9k of utter dogshit i HATE this 

distance wasn’t uncommon between you and ushijima. you knew ushijima had to focus on volleyball and he knew you had times where you were unable to attend to yourself much less him. maybe that’s why you two have lasted as long as you did, you weren’t suited for love but neither was he, so you thought that maybe you guys would have a chance. he called mutual respect, and while that might be true to some extent, to you it just felt like he settled with you for convenience. you weren’t stupid. you knew that like everyone else in this world, ushijima craved affection but that was the extent of his relationship. you believed he did not need to love you. in fact he probably couldn’t. you were not loveable. how could another love a person so void of life; of course they couldn’t. you loved him but he didn't love you. you thought maybe that was enough for you, but as a human you’re selfish. you want your own form of comfort and if that means ending things with ushijima after six years of dating then so be it. as your gentle fingers continue to thread bead after bead through the wire, you wonder if your relationship between you and ushijima would snap like the thin wire in between your finger. you’re pulled from your thoughts when you hear the front door open. when ushijima pops his head out of the hall way and into the living room you greet him.

“hey, welcome back.” ushijima looks as beat up as you feel; sunken in eyes and dried sweat on his forehead. “i didn’t think you’d be back so soon, do you want me to make dinner while you shower?”

“hello.” he looks down at the beads in your hands, frowning. he knows they’re the same kind you had strung together for him when you confessed to him at 18, the same one he adorns on his wrist like an olympic medal. “did you do anything all day except play with beads?” he didn’t mean to come off like that, he wanted to talk but he didn’t know how to go about it. his indifference only made the statement come off worse, he knew this, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak up. ushijima was tired, no he was exhausted. he wanted to help you but he couldn’t cross the distance to meet you. not when your empty eyes are waiting for him on the other side.

“so no dinner then.” you want him to object. you want him to tell you that he wants to eat dinner with you, to talk to you. you want something, anything. you want ushijima wakatoshi to love you because you don’t want to leave.

“yeah no dinner tonight.”

“c’mon we haven’t hung out in forever. let’s go out and drink, it’s fine if you start crying. we all miss you,” your friend begs on the other end of the line. “i’ll come get you at six, yeah? yeah?” you smile, it felt nice knowing your presence was wanted even if it was for a little bit.

“yeah i’ll be ready at six.” you hear your friend excitedly end the call as you flop onto the bed. you need to go out. you knew it wasn’t good for you to stay inside and mope about how unloved you were. you knew you had to try just a little more, just for yourself. the little steps you had been making the couple years like cleaning your clothes, eating , going to classes, doing the works seemed completely mundane but it helped you help yourself. if nothing else you wanted to try and cross the distance yourself, maybe with ushijima on the other side maybe not.

by the time six rolls around you’ve showered and dressed up to the nines. you’ve never felt as pretty as you did in that moment and you think it has something to do with wanting to be better and much less the wings on your eyelids. as you fall into your friend’s car you’re greeted with two more of your friends and a bottle of alcohol. we’re pre-gaming before we drink some more at ayasski’s, they explain. giggling you join them getting inebriated and melting into the arms of your friends. as the night gets longer, your friends gently probe you about ushijima knowing you well enough to know something wasn’t okay.

“i think it’s kind of stupid to be in a relationship where someone can’t love you,” you giggle the blush reaching up to your cheeks. “i love him so, so, so much so i have to break up with him. i know he’s not happy with me.” you friends wrap their arms around you, booing.

“it’s his loss there’s literally no reason to not be happy with you,” you friend shouted, you could disagree ten times over. the hope that blossomed in your chest earlier today’s as completely shot down when you realized you weren’t a person meant to get better. you tossed another shot back. “but he seemed really happy when we saw you two at your graduation last year.”

“it’s been a year. what does it even matter, we got together to party not talk about my problems,” you laugh pulling them from the kitchen into the living room. you spend the night talking catching up, telling them about your first year at the company you work for, how much you missed them, about how much you missed ushijima (you couldn’t help it you were tipsy). you realize how much you've missed talking to someone about trivial matters. you missed having no distance with people. how did things get so far away with ushijima you wonder.

at some point you black out and when you finally come around you’re tucked into your friend’s bed sandwiched between your friends. you gently untangle yourself from them and wash up in the bathroom. the cold water pulling you from your drowsiness and straight into the deep end of the nastiest hangover you’ve probably ever had. “wake up losers, i'm making breakfast for our nasty ass hangovers,” you yawn as you make your way out of the bedroom. your friends shuffle around groaning telling you to shut up and we’ll be there in a bit. shuffling around the kitchen you begin making pancakes and as you wait for the batter to cook you pick up your phone. your stomach drops when you realize you have three missed calls and a couple texts from ushijima. you forgot to tell him you were going out, you honestly didn’t think he would care.

[wakatoshi ♡]

8:18 pm | I’m going to be home late today. Don’t worry about dinner.

8:18 pm | I’ll make something when I get home.

it’s not lost on you that he texted you he wouldn’t be home at an angel number. the universe was playing its jokes on you but you can’t seem to find the humor.

[wakatoshi ♡]

11:24 pm | Did you go out?

11:36 pm | When will you be home?

12:01 am | Please be quiet when you return home. Goodnight.

you laugh at his punctualness, identifiable even through text. as your friends file in and fill themselves up, you head out beginning your trek home. by the time you get home your feet hurt almost as much as your head. you bend over to free your feet from the shackles of your stupid fucking heels. “objectively i would’ve looked just as pretty with a pair of flats,” you grumble rubbing the budding blisters on your feet.

“you’re pretty in general so i doubt your attractiveness changes depending on what footwear you wear.” you snap your head up, blinking owlishly at ushijima. he places his hand out in front of you waiting for you to take it. when you do, he pulls you up and into his arms carrying you into the room. you really don’t know how to react, especially with your brain pounding for a whole new reason. cautiously, you turn your head to look up at ushijima as he sets you down, leaning up to place a kiss on his chin. you wait for a reaction, a response, anything you can get but all he does is turn around and walk out. it was as if he tied the beaded bracelet on your wrist just to yank it off.

you can’t help but sob into a pillow, what else were you supposed to do. you built yourself up to leave him only to be broken down by the tiniest bit of affection. ushijima had his hands around your throat and you couldn’t get it off you no matter what you did. you loved him so much, you couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t love you back. your throat constricted, your sobs got heavy. you froze when you heard the bedroom door open. you could’ve sworn you’ve been crying for ages but only a couple minutes had passed. you held your breath as ushijima sat next to you, running his fingers through your hair. your heart beat pitifully and tears began to spill through your eyelashes again. you’re so fucking stupid, berating yourself never once allowing yourself to consider the feelings ushijima tried to awkwardly convey to you. “what happened? did something happen when you went out?” you sob louder. how could he be so unaware. “it was me wasn’t it.” you froze. “i actually would like to talk about this so when you’re calmer, may we?” you whisper out a simple yes in return feeling the nasty rope of anxiety tie knots in your stomach.

your thoughts spiraled, what did he want to talk about, did he really not love you, were you really just a small rock in the middle of his garden, were you something much more disgusting to him. he pulls you out of your thoughts just as quickly as he dropped you in them. quite literally. he pulls you onto his lap tucking your head into his chest and wraps his arm around your waist, playing with your hair once again. you two stay like that for what feels like decades. you can’t remember the last time you felt like he wanted to be around you, much less a time where he held you. gentle you pull away from his chest to face your unnerving anxieties.

“h-hey,” you whisper gently. you don’t miss the way his eyes soften at your voice. he doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s heard your voice for something other than small talk. he missed your warmth, your voice, he missed you. so much. ushijima wanted to do better for you. when you seem to gain your resolve you finally give voice to the anxieties that planted it’s nasty seed in your thoughts. “have you ever loved me?” before you can get a response you continue, “i know i’m not lovable but are you with me for convenience. do you just deal with me? do i burden you with-”

“i am absolutely enthralled by you but i have no clue how to go about it.” he takes your face in the palm of his hands, brushing your tears away. “i want to try and do better. our distance is growing and i don’t like it at all. i understand we don’t have the most convenient relationship but i don’t want to end it because you mean so much to me.”

“i don’t want to end it either. i know it’s hard. i know it is, but you really think we could do it?” he smiles at you and it was as if a wall was broken down, not a big one but one that you had set up so you wouldn’t acknowledge ushijima or his feelings towards you.

“i know we can.”

#/ushijima #tw depression #ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #ushijima x y/n #haikyuu x y/n #haikyu x reader #haikyu x y/n #im in the nastiest mood ever i literally wanna fucken die #enjoy this or dont #ily please drink water