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tigerdrop · 3 years

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Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

#asky #careposting

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ayanna-wild · 5 years

Text

Memories For Sale

Word Count: 1638

Pairings: Lucifer Morningstar x Reader

Warnings: angst, fluff, possible trigger, reader is a prostitute in this if that bothers you or triggers you please do not read.

A/N: Request from someone on Wattpad

Summary: You did what you could to get by, trusted no one, and tried to ignore the spotty holes in your memory. But then this man shows up, and everything you thought you remembered or thought you knew was so very wrong.

............................................................

You leaned back against the stone wall behind you. The rough texture of the bricks bit at your skin, but you ignored that. You need a short break, your feet were hurting from standing on them for so long. The heels you wore only made it worse and the short dress you had slipped on did little to protect your back from the bricks. It was apparently a dead night, probably due to the storm hovering above the city. The clouds had yet to release their downpour but it probably wouldn't be long.

Unfortunately though that meant business would be slow tonight and you'd have to work even longer the next night to make up for it. You took a slow drag from the cigarette between your fingers, flicking the ash onto the pavement below you. With a heavy sigh you pushed yourself off the wall, and turned to start walking home. Well at least to that shabby apartment you called home.

"Y/N?"

You paused, turning your head to look over your shoulder.

"Yeah?"

The man simply stood there staring at you with a mixture of emotions. He was an attractive man, with black hair and deep brown eyes. The suit he was wearing, what looked to be very expensive and normally you'd have tried to warm up to after seeing that. However, you were tired, you were annoyed, and you just wanted to go home.

"Don't you recognize me love?" The man asked frowning.

You turned to face him fully and slowly looked him over from head to toe before shrugging.

"Sorry, I can't be expected to remember every man I... service..."

His whole attitude changed after hearing that. He looked shocked, angry, and heartbroken? That one confused you, why did he look so distraught about that?

"Listen it's been a long and uneventful night, I'm currently off the clock, but try again tomorrow night, I'll give you a discount or something."

You tried to walk away, but he grabbed your elbow.

"You really don't know who I am, do you?"

His grip wasn't tight or aggressive like the other times you had been grabbed. When you tried to pull your arm free he let go immediately, another thing you weren't use to.

"Should I?"

The man smiled sadly for a moment and you felt a dull ache in your chest at seeing him sad.

"I suppose not, my name is Lucifer Morningstar, and I know you very well my dear."

You searched his eyes for a moment but saw nothing that said he was lying.

"That's nice, but I really should be getting home."

You took a cautious step back, an uneasy feeling lingered in the air.

"Wait, just let me explain."

He must have sensed your unease and became a bit desperate.

"Listen Lucifer, was it? I'm tired and it's about to storm, I'm done for the night, if you go two streets over you can find some other girls who will definitely jump at the chance to have you as a costumer."

He looked almost offended at that and scoffed.

"Do I look like I would need to pay for sex?"

You rolled your eyes and stared to walk away at a faster pace than normal.

"I'll pay you for your time!"

You walked faster.

"Five Hundred for one hour!"

You almost tripped on your heels with how fast you stopped.

"Are you serious? Just to talk?"

"I'll add another five hundred for every hour you are there."

Your common sense screamed at you that something wasn't right but your mind told you to take the pay day.

"Fine, one hour, and add six hundred for every extra half hour."

Lucifer smiled, holding out his hand to you.

"Deal."

You shook his hand, letting out a small yelp when he started pulling you in the direction of a sleek black Corvette.

The ride had been filled with silence which you suspected was not a normal thing for him. When you had reached the club he owned and made it up to his penthouse, you felt a little dumb not asking for more money.

"Would you like a drink my dear?"

You shook your head and watched him pour one for himself.

"Ok, start talking."

He chuckled as he raised the glass to his lips.

"Straight to the point as usual at least you haven't changed too much darling."

"You say that as if you know me."

"Oh I do! Very well, you are my wife after all."

You had no words, how were you even supposed to respond to that? The man was clearly insane.

"Right... well this was fun, but I think I should go, you can keep the money and-"

Lucifer stepped in front of you, preventing you from reaching the elevator.

"You don't believe me? Surely you've wondered about your past? The lapse in memories you have?"

You started walking backwards, trying to put distance between them.

"I was in an accident, I... I got amnesia!"

It sounded more like you were trying to convince yourself than him.

"Is that what you were told? How did it happen?"

Your head was hurting, it was a dull ache, but it was growing.

"I was hit by car trying to cross the street..."

"Really? And you walked away with just a few scratches and missing memories? Sounds a bit too good to be true." He raised an eyebrow.

"Well I got lucky I guess."

Your back hit the piano and the ache in your head turned into a pounding.

"Luck? Oh, no darling there was nothing lucky about that Uriel took you, he made sure the accident wasn't fatal, and he made sure you wouldn't remember anything."

Everything grew blurry and you were faintly aware of Lucifer calling your name as your legs gave out. Your head was swimming, and your body felt so heavy. You couldn't make out what was being said to or even what you were saying.

Lucifer sat you on the couch, and waited patiently for you regain your senses. You slowly blinked, fingers rubbing your temple in a poor attempt to relieve the pain in your head.

"Darling are you alright?"

You pulled away from him slightly.

"Yes. I'm fine."

Lucifer stepped away, seeing the distrust in your eyes.

"Can you tell me what you remember?"

You searched your memories for anything of significance and looked back at him apprehensively.

"Ash, a lot of brimstone, there was a lot of doors, I remember you were there, but its all blurry, and none of it makes sense, it's just flashes of memories, I can't remember them." You muttered.

Lucifer smiled a little and reached out to you. He pulled his hand back when he saw you flinch away.

"Why did you do this to yourself? You are priceless to me, why would you sell yourself?"

You pulled your knees to your chest and shrugged.

"It was a last resort, I needed food, money, I didn't have anyone."

"But surely you must have had other options?"

"Most guys don't question my career choice you know." You joked weakly.

He didn't seem to find it very funny.

"Pardon my bluntness, but those men were only interested in you for sex, and unlike them I care very deeply about you."

You felt the overwhelming urge to cry, and you didn't know why. You suddenly felt so ashamed to be sitting in front of him looking like this.

"Y/N? Why are you crying?"

"It's stupid I know. I don't even know you and I just feel so ashamed to let you see me like this." You laughed, but tears were staining your cheeks.

Lucifer sat beside you pulling you into his arms.

"Oh my beautiful queen, you've nothing to feel ashamed for. I don't think any less of you and I'm not angry."

You pulled out of his arms, having a man hold you like that, comfort you, it wasn't how you were used to men treating you. Lucifer looked hurt for a moment before he cleared his throat.

"Why don't you take a shower, you can stay the night and I'll have Maze bring you some shorts to sleep in, you can wear one of my shirts."

You nodded slowly and Lucifer directed you in the direction of the shower.

You stayed in the shower for nearly an hour, crying and hoping the steaming water would wash away the shame you were feeling. When you finally stepped out you saw clothes sitting on the sink. It was just a large t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts with some underwear. You walked back out into the living room once you were dressed.

"Do I play or is it just you?"

Lucifer looked up from where he sat at the piano. He smiled at you and moved over so you could sit beside him.

"No, you much preferred drawing to playing an instrument. And Dad knows attempting to teach you was a disaster." Lucifer chuckled.

You smiled, softly running your fingers over the keys, droplets of water fell from your hair onto your lap. Lucifer watched you for a moment.

"I'd like if you stayed with me for a while my dear. Perhaps I could help you regain your memory or at the very least give you a place to sleep. Where you wouldn't need to sell your body to strange men. More to the point, I've been trying to find you for a very long time, and I couldn't bear to lose you now."

You meant his eyes, studying him as if searching for any ill intent or alternative motive he might have. You found none and so you smiled, the first real smile you had given in such a long time.

"I'd love to stay with you Lucifer."

.........................................................................

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