#im fine being a team leader aka what im hoping all this will act as proof of ability for or whatever

[orcelito]

I always do question why I keep putting up with all the bullshit of my job. I got soooooo close to quitting back in February, & ultimately only really stayed bc my tax return was delayed & I didn't have the financial security without it to quit

I enjoy some aspects of the job. But tbh yeah I kinda fucking hate it. There's so much I have to do Constantly, there are Always problems, and I've got more and more responsibilities and expectations placed on me. More and more money too, but ngl it still doesn't feel like enough for what all of this is.

But I'm taking so long in my schooling. I've fumbled it so many times. I don't have any internships and I'm petrified at the idea of applying to them. What I DO have is a rock solid track record with this job. I'm well respected by management, I'm relatively accomplished, & I've proved that I can do a damn good job. The longer I stay here, the more that potentially means down the road. I have a business owner who's openly stated he'll vouch for me no matter where I go & a work history that's looking better and better. Having thorough experience with management looks Great no matter where I go.

And... it helps me feel better about myself, too. Helps me feel like I'm not wasting so much time. I'm not just fumbling my schooling, I'm doing part time school as I also participate in managing a store. Sounds better when I put it like that. Makes me feel like less of a failure when compared to others who are more accomplished.

So here I am. Constantly under pressure, constantly wishing to escape, yet Here I Am.

I just really need to finish with school already. It seems like it's going to be my only real escape from it all.

#speculation nation #being in management has driven home to me how little i want to be in management #im fine being a team leader aka what im hoping all this will act as proof of ability for or whatever #but upper level management? no fuckin thanks lmao. i hate almost everything about it #hate being in charge of deciding peoples' fates re: hiring. hate being in charge of disciplinary stuff (im so bad at it) #hate the expectations and responsibilities and all this constant fucking bullshit #... though i do like feeling valued. the owner consistently voices his appreciation for what i do & it feels very nice #but that's also why this bullshit with the supervisor stings so bad bc she's clearly discounting everything i do for this fucking place #i ALREADY stayed late to help but it wasnt enough bc i didnt give Everything for her. #which i hate that im still angry about it but i really am. it fucking sucks. #she has no idea how hard this fucking job is. how much im already doing. it's infuriating. #i bet she thinks im making like much more than i am lmao. im ultimately only a few dollars more than her. #'management' at at a small store doesnt mean ppl sitting on plush pillows making arbitrary decisions for thousands #no im out there doing shit all the time. im still basically an employee. i just also have some say in how things should be run. #it's complicated. my reasons for staying are complicated. so im unlikely to leave until the time is right. #but oh God i want so badly to leave. i want it so so badly. #someday i will have my bachelors. and then hopefully i can get some random computer job where i can just be a gremlin #without all the pressures of management resting on my shoulders. #maybe someday...