#im eating fried rice while writing ths

[1eoness]

i literally cant stop thjnking abt joji ever since i got tickets to his concert so ... can i request an angst that's based on his song glimpse of us :') leon and reader are dating and all leon can think of is ada ( OR VICE VERSA IDEK )

okay flexing on me i see u anon.......... /stares condescendingly/ jk

and sure let me just put the song on repeat until i start convulsing and oh wow an actual title that is only mildly shitty? go me.

also, i received this request like probably over a month ago im sooo sorry about that TT

cw; angst, depressed re4remake!leon x gn!reader. shitty toxic relationship, super fucking short bc im uncreative.

blind glances

synopsis :

deep down, leon aches for his ex-girlfriend. you're the gauze of a heart that does not bleed for you. you're looking at him but his affection does not rouse at the sound of your name.

it's eating at him. he'll never escape the realization that even a lifetime of getting used to you won't ever amount to having a brief glimpse of ada wong.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

if guilt is a penalty then leon is a man for the guillotine. he wakes up beside you, warm skin on just skin when he reaches over to gently kiss you on the forehead for a love-empty greeting. does he like doing it?

no.

leon has a blurry count of how long it has been since he last felt the high of love.

he will never deny it. leon is a fool for tying tight strings for a woman that kissed him with lies but you just don't know anything. you don't know the raw care that lingers on ada's face, her stoic tendencies, her slender shoulders that carry the burden of a past he'll never know of. he's a fucking idiot for keeping scores with a bossy woman and finding love in her during a citywide bloodshed.

but because of the wrong of it all, shit, he felt the most human in the fucking world. leon deserving a healthy relationship after the incident in raccoon? bullshit, he doesn't deserve that; not when he's just going to end up hurting you with his pain. it won't ever change the fact that a part of him shudders at the sheer thought of ada.

and the naive look on your face will always remind him where it hurts.

during the first few weeks of trying to rehabilitate from a forsaken and true love, leon has already told you his issues and tendencies. you came with the guess that "it's most likely the trauma, leon.. you know i'm here. and let's hope ada is okay." and he nods quietly, kissing your cheek in mechanical reflex.

so you've had this discussion with him before—you were so open, so warm. but leon does not let himself relax around you. you're both a manifestation of his culpability and a cognitive drug to him— it drives him insane sometimes he cries at night and he doesn't even tell you why, just nuzzling into your skin and staining it wet with the depression that seeps in his nerves.

leon's never the smoker but you're a cigarette to him—he needs you when he feels like you're all he's got and he needs you to disconnect from a world that won't give him his ada back, even if it's just for a little while.

you wanted to be so mature but no, you're just a fucking human being as well. you desperately wanted to help leon but what if this is it? what if this is all you might be?

so, you both try to reconcile.

he's blind to the eager light in your eyes when you ramble about your day. he's smiling and playing with his straw while your words go from one ear out the other; because when he locks eyes with you he doesn't see you. he only sees a reflection of himself using you to his mending. and it's anything but your fault.

he somehow still has the audacity to feel some sort of affection towards you; but who will ever tell him he's just guilty and sympathetic? or, no. he just thinks that way.

is it possible? god, is it possible to care for someone you don't love? perhaps, but was that the care you needed?

you needed leon to care for you.

you wished ada was just here to whisk him away and maybe you wouldn't find yourself here. you know it, deep in your stomach. but you are bittersweet, you love to fucking convince yourself leon loves you. he loves you, doesn't he?

he felt like dying that night he saw your face drop when he opened his wallet to pay. he still had a picture of ada in his wallet. why was he so blind? why was he so careless?

...

"...i think i left the faucet open."

you utter begrudgingly after you stood up, calculating your share quickly and dumping it on the table with a rush. he stares at the table with horror gorging at his heart, watching his 'love' walk away from him with tear-blurring eyes. the faucet doesn't stop running when you reach the car. leon knew this, your heart was just too big for your own good.

you felt like a fool; you're the one trying to prove that leon loves you. how stupid does that fucking sound?

so later that night he's at home, inebriated out of his fucking mental while he's hunched over the sink. slightly sunken eyes stare back at him blurrily.

leon tries to rinse the guilt off his face but when he sees himself it's hard to even look—he doesn't know himself anymore, he's just the husk of a man that has his love taken away from him and stuffed in an abyss that stares back. and you don't have to guess which 'love' he's thinking of.

love. the word is so simply ridiculous, isn't it? one minute it's warm and gentle but it feels like a whole war when you try to conquer it. love always wins, it wins over him when he tries his fucking best to just be a better boyfriend for you.

it's like that one quote from that one book. "love is the only rational act."

what leon feels for you is right. he cares for you enough not to bring your hopes up anymore. he should just leave, but he doesn't want to abandon you. but what good is leon if he stays? if there was a god up there, leon pleas, tell me what to do to make it hurt less for them.

temptation is non-existent. his heart belonged to ada. ada ada ada. he's sorry but he can only think of her. even the name sounds right to him. it's a poisonous solace, the way his sombers connect with ada's.

he sleeps before you. you both stopped having the innocent intimacy before bed and now it's just restless individuals sharing the same comforters, desperately finding a warmth in the cold room you both soak in. it's so cold. you reach over to hold him. leon feels so cold.

it gnaws at your heart when you're constantly visualizing a scenario of him choosing whether to save you or ada if it ever came down to it. and you know who he would pick.

"..." leon turns over.

"bad dream?" he whispers but his voice is empty of projected care. but he still cares. he still fucking cares. but why should he?

you answer anyway.

"yeah."

you answer anyway because you still want to be wrapped in his safety. you find yourself pressed to his heart, the back of his hand on your head. soak in the comfort all you want,

but leon still feels cold.

#im eating fried rice while writing ths #MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM #leon kennedy angst