#im desperately praying that i dont panic and delete this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gabriellexhunter · 3 years

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drunk nights and streetlights

warm. too warm.

was all that went through gabby’s head as the sun beamed down on her face, cursing herself for drinking, and not shutting the shades and for even being awake at what was probably some ungodly hour. letting out a small groan in protest her mind seemed to catch up to her body as her hand reached out into the spot next to her. the redhead peeked her eyes open when her hand didn’t meet a warm, just as crabby human next to her. Her hand tangled in her sheets as she sat up, holding the gray thin fabric to cover her chest. Maybe Max got up and made coffee? He was always an early riser, but maybe he had work? Or maybe he’s just in the bathroom waiting for her to get up?

Everything in her mind was telling her to panic, to freak out when she didn’t see him there. Or hear the familiar creaks of the house as someone walked through it, he wouldn’t just leave, right? And not say goodbye? Green eyes fell onto the floor and as her clothing was scattered everywhere still, his were nowhere to be seen. Hera chose this time to hop up onto the bed and meow towards her, probably hungry, and a part of her hoped he was just there, maybe doing the crossword so she couldn’t at her table.

Scratching behind her cat's ears, she brushed through her hair as she got up, the afterglow from last night had turned into grossness and tacky skin, shuffling her way into the bathroom she took the fastest, hottest shower she could. Gabby slipped into her lounge wear and pressed her palms into her eyes as she tried desperately to not overthink. This wasn’t the easiest situation, but he wouldn’t just dip. She knew him. He was an ass sure but after something so altering to their dynamic?

Bouncing down her stairs, a cat strong at her heels, she paused a bit at the end of her staircase, staring into an empty, undisturbed area. Her wine glass was still on her counter and the near empty bottle was in the sink, and the towel that was hung over her stove was discarded on the floor, probably from them. This also meant he wasn’t here. A part of her brain was accepting defeat, but the part that was so tightly wound with her heart couldn’t accept it. Moving to make a pot of coffee, her actions felt slow, like she was dipped in syrup trying to get out. Gabby’s cellphone sat dead on her kitchen island and as she picked it up, she prayed some small impossible thing would happen and he’d call. When she placed her phone on the table charger she poured her coffee, watching the phone more than her own movement, watching it light up and turn on and it even took her a few extra seconds to realize she was over pouring her coffee onto her counter.

“Fuck shit” Was mumbled out as her hand grabbed that towel and threw it down over the mess. “Get it together” Gabby said softly as she moved to dump a bit of the extra filled coffee out of her sink and each new ding rang out as messages and emails flooded the small screen. Taking a gentle sip her hand reached over the mess to reach anything that was popping up, every new thing pushed aside when it wasn’t from who she wanted it to be from. Her finger dangled a bit in front of his contact, the silly stupid picture staring back at her as she swallowed down the anxiety and took a deep breath. Meeting his voicemail was something she didn’t expect.

“hey uh- sorry I woke up so late i know you’re an early bird” this was more embarrassing than she thought it could be. her fingers pinched her nose before she took a deep breath and continued. “i know you might be busy or you know working or whatever but if you umm have time later we could talk about everything? i mean if you want? im sorry im so fucking nervous i just- i want to make sure we’re okay. you’re my best friend Max, just call me okay? i could word vomit forever.”

Staring down at her phone screen, she paused for a few extra seconds as she finally hung up the call. Her fingers curled around the device as she tucked it under her chin, shutting her eyes as she let out a shuddering breath. The thing was that now that this happened, it wasn’t like she could just ignore it. Looking back down at her phone screen she went to their texts as she mumbled to herself as Gabby deleted and retyped something a thousand times, trying to find the right words. The right way to fix this, because if she didn’t pick at this; it’d be her undoing.

‘Just call me when you can, okay?’ was all she typed out and let out a scream when she actually sent it. This is why she didn’t do things like this.

Twenty four hours.

It was the anxiety of it that was killing her the most. Not knowing. Not sure of where things were, or if he was upset or how he felt. She had to sit with her own emotions only, and that was almost worse. Max wasn’t there to tell her she was overthinking it, or being irrational towards herself and the situation. Gabs tried not to let the sadness creep in, she truly did, but when the text moved to delivered and she still never got a response, or a call back, a part of her heart broke. What if that was all he wanted? Seven years of build up just for sex? Max wouldn’t do that to her, he couldn’t do that to her.

Kicking her door closed, the redhead let out a groan as she pressed her back to it. Her gym clothing was sticking to her, and even though it was her normal coping mechanism, it didn’t touch the anxiety that sat on her shoulders or in her chest. She must have looked wild to those around her, carrying her gym bag under one arm and two bottles of wine in the next, but at this point, all she felt was defeated. Dropping her bag down and kicking off her shoes was the easy part, and as she dragged herself to the kitchen the first thing she did was find a bottle opener. Not even bothering with a glass and taking a big swig caused her to burp as she stared down at her phone. Gabby took another long sip, trying to build up the courage to text him again.

‘Can you at least tell me if we’re okay?’

Half a bottle of wine and a change of clothes later.

‘Max just give me something. I cant do radio silence, please?’

Full bottle and half a sandwich.

‘We dont even have to talk, send an emoji or something.’

Two bottles and a long cold case marathon later.

‘Don’t act like i won’t show up to your job’

‘I mean i won’t because you’re already avoiding me and i think it’d cry if you ignored me in person’

‘Im sorry im not trying to be that girl who demands something after a one night stand but

I just hoped i was more than that’

‘sorry’

Two days.

This asshole had ignored her for two days. The hangover was absolutely not worth it. And her sadness turned to anger overnight. Even if he didn’t want something serious, a single text would shut her up. One. single. Text. and he couldn’t even do that? Calling out was not in her work ethic but the anger she felt was all consuming, the sadness that would creep in would be overshadowed in anger and the need to hit him.

Her phone was her enemy, and every buzz and ding that came from it was false hope. Max was going to get a punch to the head when she saw him next, that was for sure. Did she completely waste her time with this? Did she push him too hard? All of these questions clouded her head for two days, but now they were replaced with venom. How could he do this to her? Were the things he said to her a lie? Maybe he didn’t want to give up his bachelor life. Or maybe he didn’t care as much as he thought and now she was just left in the dark. Gabby cried too much over this, sad and angry tears but there was never any relief. When she was getting a divorce there was a moment where everything turned calm again, and she stopped crying over it all, but that never came for this situation. She was just angry.

Wanting to text him and yell at him was her worst character flaw, she couldn’t leave things well enough alone. But he knew this about her. Did he just think she’d let this go? That she wouldn’t annoy the fucking shit out of him until he answered? The anger she felt from being completely disregarded was holding her body hostage, she couldn’t concentrate on anything else. All her normal coping ways didn’t even scratch the surface of it all, she was left feeling more angry, and in a sense betrayed. Even if he didn’t see this going anywhere, or wanted to stop all this, why wouldn’t he just tell her? Why leave her like this? Not knowing. Consumed. Burning.

When she finally gave in to text him again, all she wanted to do was spit hate at him. React bitterly and angry, like how she felt, but the thought of lying and telling Max she hated him, didn’t sit well. Puffing out a giant breath, her thumb hovered over the call button, and every time it rang she hoped he’d pick up. If he just answered she’d feel less angry. When his voicemail played again, she hung up the first time, “Get a fucking grip, you can yell at him it’s fine” and tried it again, and her anger flared again as it played again.

“Hey Asshat, I get it okay? This is a lot but you have to give me something. You know I don’t work well on silence and and avoidance, I’m just so fucking mad at you, All you have to do is answer me. An empty message at this point would be better than nothing. I hate...” Pausing, knowing how it was going to sound to him, she quickly tried to fix it. “I just hate that you responded like this. This isn’t right, this is stupid im not doing this I can’t do this. It hurts too much and I’m too angry at you, talk to me when you’re finally ready to have a big boy conversation.”

Staring down at the phone, her breath caught in her throat as it all came down on her. What if they never recovered from this? Was she going to lose him for good? Pulling up the messages she saw all her one sided moments and typed before she could even stop herself,

“I love you but i also fucking hate you right now, all you had to do was stay.”

And with that, she accepted her anger and finally broke down in tears again.

Day three.

This was the day that hit the hardest. She could only call out for so long before others were asking if she was okay, and how serious her stomach bug was etc. Gabby wanted to crawl into her bed and just scream, and nap and mostly scream. Holding her coffee close to her chest as she walked through the familiar doors and all the way to her desk, Oliver insisted she make up for the lost time before her normal drive along. Her partner was already there waiting for her, probably waiting to give her a hard time.

“Marky I swear to god if you’re here to start shit I’ll turn around and walk out” The redhead started as she rolled her eyes at him, she knew they all meant well, “You missed two days of ride along and you expected to get through without shit? Come on Hunts, you know me better than that.” He was laughing, nudging her shoulder like it was nothing and dropped a muffin bag onto her desk. Markus was one of the ones who knew of her special deal with Oliver and her therapist, and a part of her was always nervous he’d say something, make some wack ass comment, but he always kept it respectful. The department welcomed her with welcome arms, many knew her from her previous work but when Oliver introduced her as Officer Hunter the cheers were all the welcoming she needed.

The three hours of desk work was killing her, every shift and turn in the chair was making some new part of her crack. Pushing her glasses up a bit and taking a sip of her coffee, she struggled through a few reports, only stopping when she got a clap on the back and an overeager Markus on her right. “You ready?” He asked, giving her a pleased smile when she nodded. Shutting the folder and placing it in her locked desk drawer, the woman grabbed her jacket and moved forward, following closely behind him. “Are we in the normal area tonight?” Gabs asked carefully, shrugging on her jacket and adjusting her shirt a bit as they entered the garage. “Yeah, we’ve got a few routine stops, and we have to check on that one family again but other than that we’re sitting on our asses tonight.”

Just like that the night moved on. New cups of coffee every hour, normal buildings and streets passing by in blurs. Streetlights either too bright or not bright enough, the rush of it all was just enough to distract her, shift her focus from the absolute emotional jail cell she felt trapped in. But good moments only last so long, it’s not all saving kids and eating donuts, there were days it tested her and tonight was one of those.

They were first to arrive on scene. Gun shots, domestic dispute, children involved. None of it was a good feeling. Things like this only had two ways of ending, bad or good, and there was just no telling which one they were getting. Markus and her stood by the door, weapons drawn as a few other officers were next to them, needing all the back up they could get at this point, medics on standby in case someone was injured. As they knocked on the door, identified themselves, and when all they heard was yells and screams it took less than ten seconds for Mark to kick the door down and they were in. Clearing each room, and right when she was going to check the final door with another officer that’s when all hell broke loose. Kids were crying, a woman was crying and all they saw was a man holding the woman by the neck and using her as a shield. There are moments when the universe is warning a person about something, she felt this years ago, when she was at that scene before she got hurt but this was part of the job. Gabby couldn’t back out now, not when the lives of others depended on it, it all happened so fast the woman was shoved to the ground and the man took off running. The other officer was helping the lady up and Gabby took off after him, “Adams is on the run! Officer Hunter in pursuit” She heard a few confirmations and Markcus staying close behind but she barely heard a damn thing.

Running through the streets of the Mission District was the last thing she wanted to be doing. Shoving people out of her way as she followed him, “Move move move!” Was all she could say as they continued running. He had to get tired at some point, she was near huffing. Rounding into a smaller side street, the redhead watched Adams disappear down a smaller alley and instantly her gut told her to turn back, save herself and just forget about him. Drawing her gun again, her steps got softer as she rounded the corner slower than him, her eyes bouncing back and forth between each side, each sound and every small movement she could. The further she went down the darkened alley the worse her belly ached, and that anxiety she felt for days felt minuarture to the anxiety and fear that held her body hostage. Swallowing slightly, she licked her lips as a soft breath passed through her lips, eyes taking in every detail she could, he couldn’t have gone far, he was slowing down a few blocks away, he was close. He had to be.

The clanging of metal made her turn, gun raised as she watched a stray cat run from behind the garbage cans, shattering from the area. One move fucked her, and as she heard the shuffling of shoes and rock, she knew. Barely having time to turn, Adams was right there; 6’3 and near two hundred pounds and he was taking her out like she was nothing. The distant sound of cop cars and sirens weren’t enough to stop him, really it only made it worse. Tackling her down to the ground was nothing to him, and even when she tried to stop it, scraping her hands, ignoring the sting and blood rushing, it wasn’t enough. Her gun flew from her hands, metal scraping against the ground, head smashing off the ground and it took everything in her to fight back. Her fist collided with his cheek, temporarily shocking him, and it was just enough to attempt to move. She was scrambling up trying to grab her gun, trying to get some sort of leverage over him but he was too quick, too big, too strong. His hand wrapped around her ankle, dragging her back to him, her lungs were burning, her head hurt in ways she didn’t ever want to remember and she could practically hear her heartbeat.

Dragging her back only added to the scraps and cuts on her hands, she was clawing her way at the ground trying desperately to find something, anything to get her out of this. His hands were gripping her so strong she was sure she’d have fingerprints, turning her around his fist connected with her face. Blood was rushing down her nose as he laid another smack down onto her, gabby was trying to shove him off, claw at him, harm him in any way, but he was a lady hitter, this was probably fun for him while she fought through everything just to make sure she made it out okay. His one hand reached down to grab her throat as his other hand reached behind him, and into the back of his pants and tugged out the firearm he was previously. The hand on her neck tightened as the gun pressed into her forehead, at least this one had enough brains to aim for the head.

BANG BANG BANG

Gabby’s eyes shut instantly, and when she wasn’t met with pain and darkness her eye creeped open watching a bloodied Adams start gasping as he toppled off her. Shoving him fully off of hef, her eyes widened as she tried to drag herself away from him, feet and sirens were closer and suddenly Markus was sliding next to her, trying to get her to sit still, wait for a medic, but she couldn’t function. The pain in the back of her head made her vision blurry, her hand was gripping Mark’s arm hard as she tried desperately to catch her breath. A medic was by her side in seconds and they were helping her up, trying to talk to her, but all she could think about was how much pain she was in, how the ringing in her ears wouldn’t stop and the phantom feeling of his hand around her neck wasn’t disappearing.

What a shit fucking week.

...

....

“Hello is this Max Fields?.... Right, Hi. This is Captain Oliver Lee with the San Francisco Police Department I’m calling in regards to Gabby Hunter..Listen, Gabs has you as her emergency contact and she got hurt tonight in the field. She’ll be fine but she’s gunna be benched for a bit, you just gotta come sign her out or they won’t let her leave. We’re at Saint Frances..room 603 Just get here when you can, she’s pretty out of it right now so you got some time. Don’t leave her hanging, can’t wait to meet you.”

#self para #drunk nights and streetlights

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