#im a little constipated and i want pizza

[gorewh0re90x-blog]

diary entries...

TW: substances, ed, TMI situations

1/7/2024

6pm

im so tired. i havent been this tired since i quit doing dope 7 months ago. i still miss her almost everyday. my one true love. she was with me through everything the last 12 years. our relationship was toxic as hell but she will always be the one who got away. even if (when) i relapse and run back to her it will always end. it might end in death or just another rehab but it will always end. thats the thing with her, no matter how many times i run back i always have to leave, even if its for a little bit. theres no way around it. i start doing good in life and i run back to her warm and beautiful arms. the beginning is always the best, the honeymoon phase, but it doesnt last longer than 6 months. she always asks for more and more. more time, more money, more attention, more destruction. we lay in bed all day and all night as she whispers sweetly in my ear 'you dont need any of this..not this job, not this money, not your friends, not your family, not the outside world..you only need me..' and i always agree because its true, i only need her to be ok with being alive. no matter how many times we go through the same notions, i always listen to her..how can i not? when im with her nothing else matters, nothing means a thing. she makes me feel so safe, so warm, so invincible, so beautiful, so amazing.. its only her, always and forever.. until she takes everything away from me, as she always does, and drags me to rock bottom where the only choice i have left, is to leave her again..

9pm

idk whats wrong with me the last few days. im so tired and feeling like crap. it cant be not enough sleep because im sleeping. it cant be not enough food because im eating. im tired, my stomach hurts, im cold until I get in bed and under the covers and then im hot. my head hurts. my body aches, although that could be just me trying to work out too much. it feels like im constipated but im still going a little everyday. consistency of soft serve ice cream, which is super foreign to me. ive been constipated for the last 12 years, going once a week, if i was lucky, and when i did go it was like pushing out baseballs made out of rocks. this whole thing is just strange and exhausting. i just feel like I have the flu. i took dulcolax, my savior, an hour and a half ago and im hoping it clears out everything i ate the last 4 days and not just little swirls of crap that take 10mins of wiping to clean up. gross, i know. i just want to sleep but i don't want to wake up at midnight and be wide awake til i get back from the clinic at 6:30am. maybe ill be able to sleep for the next 6 hours and then just work out some until its time to head to the clinic at 5:30. i took an hour nap earlier around 5pm and had a weird dream.. it had to do with 2 guys breaking in and trying to shoot us unsuccessfully and ended up with me stabbing one and the other getting shot. hopefully its not some premission.. im gonna try to nap.

1/8/2024

12:05am

i decided to let myself get an oreo mcflurry every sunday since ive been doing so well with my diet and exercise. i figured that since i burn more than the 510cal thats in the dam thing every day anyway, i can be a fat fucking pig and have one. theyre just so dam good 😩 cutting out all sugar has been a nightmare over the last month. ive spent the whole time i was an h addict living on sugar so its been rough. it will be totally worth it though. i should reach my current goal weight of 100lbs in the next 10 months or less as long as i keep doing what ive been doing. i cant wait to be thin and beautiful. i dont need drugs as long as im thin 🖤

1/9/2024

1am

i ate that slice of cheese pizza i said i wouldnt touch..378cals. 378!! im such a fat pig. disgusting. it doesnt matter that i burned twice as much in calories today. the only thing that matters is that i didn't have enough self control to not eat that dam slice of pizza. i hate that my husband eats the foods i cant have every freaking day. i know me needing to lose weight is not his problem but it still sucks to be put in these situations everyday. if its not pizza its cookies and sweets and danishes and everything else I cant eat. fuck this sucks so bad! starting tomorrow i need to burn more than 700-900cals each day. i need to walk more than 10-13k steps. i need to eat less than 1400cal each day. idc if im technically still losing weight. its not enough. i need to do better and damnit i will do better.

11pm

i ate less but didnt get to work out as much as i wanted to. i guess tomorrow will be better. it better be at least. i need to get to sleep before 3am tonight so i dont sleep til 5pm tomorrow.. i have to be up at 530am to go to the clinic 5 times a week and by 11am im so exhausted i need a freaking nap or im falling over on my feet. i think they need to lower the dose on my medicine. this is getting super annoying. i just wanna be thin already. fml.

1/11/2024

12:36am

today was good. i walked over 13k steps, worked out for an hour, burned about 1000cals and only ate about 800cals. definitely getting a hang of this. didnt have a headache either. got a decent amount of sleep too. im definitely gonna ask my clinic to lower the dose on my medication because im sure thats why im tired all the time. im super sore from the gym the other day but tomorrow i have to go either way. hopefully it wont be too crowded because i get really bad anxiety and paranoia around strangers. i hate going outside. goodnight my lovelies, i hope youre all staying on track and getting closer to your ugw 🖤🚬🦋

1/13/2024

5:16am

i had a good day yesterday but not a great night. i burned around 1200cals and had a 90min work out plus 15k steps. less food as well. ordered some stuff off amazon ive been wanting since beginning of december so i was super happy until my husband decided to drink and be..not great. he hasnt been drinking since we moved states 7 months ago except 1 or 2 previous occasions because he gets wasted and acts a fool. he was doing good until he wasnt. it just wasnt a good experience but hes finally asleep. im exhausted from not getting more than 3 hours of sleep the previous night and having to deep clean the whole house and do my workout and now being up all night. i want to go to sleep but i have a few things to worry about due to his drinking so its not looking so good right now.. i fed the stray cats i take care of just now and im gonna lay down and listen to some creepypastas and hope for sleep to come. hope everyone is doing well 🖤🚬🦋

#ana bllog #ed bullshit #tw ana diary #ed not ed sheeran

[llampacaeatingguppy]

*me, shaking* if it's not too late, is it okay for me to ask for all 15 of those oc questions for jasper/friday? if that's too much, feel free to pick and choose, buT ALL ARE GREAT QUESTIONS??

THEY ARE ALL GREAT QUESTIONS AND MY MOMMA DIDN’T RAISE A QUITTER I’VE GOT YOU

Jasper:

1. Have they ever pranked someone? If so, who was it, what did they do and did the prank work?

He LOVES to pull pranks!! Just harmless, fun ones, and he feels like they have to be on “equal footing,” so to speak, so no pranking teachers/bosses/older adults or little kids in general (with the exception of his dads), but it’s definitely there. Shawn and Emily are two favorites

2. What makes them smile the brightest?

The BRIGHTEST? oof, that’d probably be pleasant surprises.

3. If they made a five song playlist, what songs would they want on it and why?

Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra – honestly? because this is the most Jasper song I know

Devil in Disguise – Elvis Presley – his favorite Elvis song

Somebody to Love – Queen – Because I said so and this boy is a sap who loves being in love

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – Elton John – his dads would sing it a lot and it’s just attached to good memories

Overtime – Cash Cash – Bouncy

4. It is 3am, your OC is in the loopy giggling stages of being sleepy, what are they laughing about and who are they with?

This happens a LOT with Shawn, because 1) Shawn’s naturally a night owl and WILL keep Jasper up late, and 2) he’s usually been roped into helping him with his homemade monster movie projects, which all HAVE to have that “it happened in the dead of night” vibe because that’s just how Shawn is (and shot in the dead of night for authenticity). And they’re usually laughing about something cheesy and ridiculous

5. Your OC befriends a little bird who, every morning sits on their window sill, what name do they give the bird? What type of bird is it?

He’s probably call it something like Bird, and it’d probably be something mundane, like a pigeon

6. Your OC is at a karaoke bar and they see a cute person across the bar who they want to impress, what song do they sing?

Here’s the thing: my brain tells me that this would not at all happen because Jasper can’t sing without sounding like a wounded moose. My heart tells me he’s going to go completely ham on the first Elvis song he finds and humiliates himself and everyone he’s with

7. Out of an impulsive decision your OC dyes their hair and gets a whole new outfit, what do they now look like?

I can see him going with a dark maroon for the hair. It’d be fun/not a natural hair color that he might justify dying his hair, while still being understated enough to not be competing with his casino-sign-reincarnated-as fashion outfits (he actually does put effort into things like that, which is why he’s never gone through dying his hair even though he likes the idea. Who wants to match their clothes with their hair all the time? Too restricting). As for a whole new outfit? Anything is possible.

8. What is your OC’s favourite joke?

*insert bad pun here*

9. Your OC makes a poster and ships it to their best friend, what does the poster have on it and how does their best friend respond?

A badly-drawn picture of mothman. Shawn doodles little hearts and raunchy phrases all over it and sends it back

10. Your OC just got up, they are groggy and in a dark room, all of a sudden they are attacked by lots of kisses from a dog they do not own, what is their next decision?

Next (unconscious) decision: scream like a little girl

Next conscious decision: turn on lights and locate nearest father to see if they can keep it

11. Your OC is at a party and decides to start some chaotic fun, what do they do?

Unleash a jar of charmed anarchist origami frogs

12. If your OC has to describe their best friend, how would they describe them?

“Pretty chill, for a kinky weirdo.” 

13. Your OC is taking care of a child that is not theirs, what happens next?

Depends on the kid, really, but if they’re even remotely high-energy he’s probably going to have as much fun as they do running around playing games until the kid’s tired out. But Jasper’s good with kids, and has been the favorite babysitter of multiple childhoods

14. Your OC decides to live life on the edge for a day, what do they do?

Jasper: I’m gonna try deep dish pizza

Shawn: Dude sweet!! Is it a recipe or did you find a place that sells it?

Jasper, holding a box of very not gluten free deep dish pizza: uhhhh yeah… that’s totally what I mean… of course I’m not going to potentially hospitalize myself just because I want to try the mysterious mushy crusted pizza

15. The moonlight is shines upon your OC as the stars dance upon them, there is a near by river filled with gentle waters as fireflies hover above the tall grass. What does your OC do next?

Stares at the fireflies. Maybe tries to get close to one after a while, but I don’t actually know if Jasper’s seen fireflies before and they’d completely mesmerize him

Friday:

1. Have they ever pranked someone? If so, who was it, what did they do and did the prank work?

She has, actually! She would attempt to prank her parents when she was little. They didn’t really work, because she wasn’t good at it, but her dad would have the decency to pretend they did

2. What makes them smile the brightest?

Any sort of recognition/positive feedback from her mom

3. If they made a five song playlist, what songs would they want on it and why?

Istanbul (not Constantinople) – Milan & Phoenix (electroswing remix) – This has always been a Friday song. No idea why. She’s an electroswing girl

Big Bad Handsome Man – Imelda May – she just likes it

Jasper and Winter are the two characters I have with much of a playlist so I’m going to cheat out of this one I guess Mom did raise a quitter. Sorry, Mom.

4. It is 3am, your OC is in the loopy giggling stages of being sleepy, what are they laughing about and who are they with?

Her Dad’s bad radio karaoke on the drive home from a convention

5. Your OC befriends a little bird who, every morning sits on their window sill, what name do they give the bird? What type of bird is it?

What name: Ferdinand

What type of bird: some kind of chubby-looking finch thing

6. Your OC is at a karaoke bar and they see a cute person across the bar who they want to impress, what song do they sing?

I’m too busy trying to imagine Friday trying to impress a cute person instead of just trying to exist in their presence, awkwardly give them gifts, and hope that they notice to even think of anything

7. Out of an impulsive decision your OC dyes their hair and gets a whole new outfit, what do they now look like?

Friday’s always wanted to try the biker look, but doesn’t think she can pull it off, so we’ll go with that. And red hair, because she’d look pretty with red hair and that’s a great hair color anyways (so sayeth the ginger)

8. What is your OC’s favourite joke?

Sarcastically saying “no” when someone asks you to do something, while doing the thing

9. Your OC makes a poster and ships it to their best friend, what does the poster have on it and how does their best friend respond?

A collage of some sort, probably based off of something she found on Pinterest. It’s hanging on the wall next time she comes to visit

10. Your OC just got up, they are groggy and in a dark room, all of a sudden they are attacked by lots of kisses from a dog they do not own, what is their next decision?

“Get off me, get off, yeah, you’re a nice dog, but you need to get off-”

11. Your OC is at a party and decides to start some chaotic fun, what do they do?

Friday doesn’t really start chaotic fun. Well, there was one snowball fight she started with Jasper, but that doesn’t count it totally does she just doesn’t want to admit to it because she lost

12. If your OC has to describe their best friend, how would they describe them?

Lovable idiot that must be protected at all costs

13. Your OC is taking care of a child that is not theirs, what happens next?

Nothing bad while the kid’s there, but she’ll be so done if they stay for too long. She loves kids, but they drain her energy like tiny gasoline thieves if she has to interact with them for too long

14. Your OC decides to live life on the edge for a day, what do they do?

Throws a party. Does a sexy cosplay. Talks about her feelings instead of living in a state of constant emotional constipation. Any of those would work, really.

15. The moonlight is shines upon your OC as the stars dance upon them, there is a near by river filled with gentle waters as fireflies hover above the tall grass. What does your OC do next?

Stargaze

#my ocs #thank you for the ask!! #w h e w #Friday Milewski #Jasper Rift

[monsterloveday]

50 shades of Jay

Am I the one who isn't that bothered about sex? A few girl friends I know have said that they also think it is overrated. Funny that. Am I strange person because I think kissing is actually way more intimate? Give me a hugging and eating face session with pizza over porking anyday... in actual fact ill just take the pizza. Im just not one of those people who can act all sexy, with the facial expressions (Im pretty sure I look constipated or that I have just shat myself) and oh my lord if anyone asked me to talk dirty the best I could muster would probably be something about taking a wee without washing my hands (Please note I do actually practice hand washing).

Then theres the heavy breathing and Im wondering if my breath stinks. Im thinking about how many of my chins they can see, how my belly is wobbling and will probably make water bottle jiggling sounds - oh lord the opposite of getting a boner. And seeing my boobs bouncing up and down like that for me just makes me look at them in disgust and fear this act will contribute to their inevitable future saggyness, its like NO NO DONT MAKE THEM MOVE!. Don't get me started on the boob farts, or the need to actually fart - lets face it, I imagine many of you have needed to say “Stop for a sec” just so you don't drop a stink bomb.

And all this ‘Spontaneous sex’ is one massive pile of crap - especially for girls. So, lets imagine getting it on without previous notice - my armpits, legs, flange will represent a jungle because hell am I going to shave those areas for no god damn reason, do you REALISE the hell that is shaving rash and itchiness?! - don't get me started on the red spots and ingrowing hairs, and for what? no visitors whatsoever! nah man Im oK thanks that shit can grow!

Every other crevice of my body will also not have been monitored for plucking, bleaching, shaving or general hair removal (yes fellas we girls have to get rid of WAY more than you realise and it can take HOURS - well probably only hours for me because I am a yeti for a female). Without this ritual theres no way Im randomly bearing all!  Wana caress my body?, I will feel like sand paper or that all of my body is one huge beard - that do anything for ya?. This is what porking me spontaneously feels like darling! Oh wait - you must make sure your hair is clean - no one wants to run their hands through greasy hair. And all for it to get matted and tangled for the lovely ‘sex hair’ afterwards. Oh my lord make sure you pop to the loo beforehand to ‘freshen up; (lets just take a moment to imagine what a female trying to position her flange and bum over a tiny bathroom sink looks like and ‘splashing water up there’ so it doesnt stink. And make sure you take out any panty liners that are in your knickers because having your undies sitting on the floor with your most likely dirty panty liner showing itself is a big fat NO. Had a poo recently? I hope not, because the sewer is waaayy to close to the park darling! Better hold that in or do it with plenty of hours beforehand with a wash before the spontaneous ‘deed’. Got any protection that you carry around daily? I hope so because no sausage is going in there bare just for the sake of ‘being in the moment!’. I also hope for the love of god I haven't got long toenails. I hope for the love of god HE hasn't got long toenails. Vomit train choo choo!. Lets hope Im not about to come on, sex when on? NAH. Spontaneity my ass!  Now. You are probably thinking... “Man she shares wayy to much” - truth is ugly Im afraid and we have ALL been there!. Its so much better to laugh at these truths than to pretend its something its not!. LAUGH - it makes life easier. You are also probably thinking that I haven't been with the right guys, or maybe I should even try girls ;p that Im obviously having really crap sex - maybe. But honestly I just cant be assed with all this prep and for something that I probably wont even I have a orgasm over - would YOU train for a marathon just to go for a walk?. ;P *Looks up at ceiling* - ‘Hurry up and finish, hurry up and finish’, and all for you to feel the wrath after - for the next few days, you better walk and sit down very slowly ladies (ouch), buts its ok! because it felt great for HIM!. Oh your period hasn't come? lets the worrying for weeks begin! and the more you worry, the more prolonged your period will be! and the more delayed your period is, the longer.... you get the gist.

Then theres the whole texting / online dating bullshit. No darling, sending me a picture of you naked does not mean you have earned the right to see some of me in return (you bloody wish mate!) it will also not cause a tsunami in my knickers sending a sudden desire within me to have sex with you. Seeing a angry looking penis doesn't turn me on love. In general genitals are so ugly, lets just pretend they arnt there until we really have to use them. With this being said, Im am extremely picky when it comes to who gets to visit my little friend in my knickers and hell do they need to earn that shit. Otherwise its just not worth it in my opinion. For now, Im rather enjoying my cobwebs. Let them stay! =) Be back soon Jay Monster 

[sheepishfreeloader]

It's getting soooo hard to be around our other roomie this semester. I don't know why she's gotten worse emotionally this semester, but whatever the reason does she really have to take it out on everyone else??

Like, she's depressed. I get it. My fiancé has depression. But my god, does she have to be a smart ass about it every time I try and offer her help or condolences?? Like she KNOWS she needs to cut back on the pizza, coffee, and soda, she herself talks about it. But if I get I to that conversation suddenly she's snippy because "yeah, I'm DEPRESSED y/n," as if that excuses her when she's being an ass and makes her coping mechanisms okay.

I suggested she should probably try and stop staying up till 3am and sleeping till 3pm nearly every god damn day and she gets angry "IM DEPRESSED AND WANT TO DIE Y/N!!" Like yeah?? I know?? That's why I suggested you at least attempt to change that habit, because you're making yourself feel 10x as shitty.

When she drives she usually drives 10 over, sometimes 20 on "familiar" roads even if it's dark outside. I drive the speed limit and a little under if it's dark outside or if the road is dangerous. She sinulatously says she drives that way because she's apathetic and wants to literally die, then makes fun of me for "going 10 under the speed limit" (I don't go 10 under) even tho she CLEARLY STATED HERSELF that she only speeds because she wants to die!! And I DONT want to die! So of course I go the damn speed limit. She can fuck off with that bs?

I understand just not being ready to try new things, or not being ready to learn better coping, or being too depressed to eat a single fruit or get out of bed. But she can see how me, my fiancé, and our other fiend cope. She can also see we care about her a lot. But she still acts like we're idiots every time someone tries to help her, or suggests an easier way for her to cope. It's come to a point where I just given up on helping her. If she wants to eat pizza a week straight AGAIN after just getting rid of her constipation, fine. Be my guest. It she hates being in pain constantly from all the coffee and soda, but won't give either up, fine, just suffer. If she wants to speed and have road rage and ride people's asses on the road fine, just ram someone's bumper and sob from the stress. God.

Ive already started to accept this year that you can't help everybody, and sometimes people just don't really want your help.. so stop trying. Help those who are willing- always give it your all. But don't make yourself suffer all the time for someone who just doesn't care and will never care- about themself or you.

[stephanielipsey-blog]

Helping Others.

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