monsterloveday

[monsterloveday]

The Dreaded V Word.

This has been a long time coming. I have wanted to write about this for years and years. But I never had the guts to because of the repercussions, the inevitable hate, anger and arguments it could cause. Because just by bringing this up, or being in a situation where you have to mention it (i.e restaurants etc) seems to have such a huge backlash, to the point where I’d prefer to keep quiet and avoid the topic completely. But. Maybe the world is ready for it now. Maybe. Maybe the world has a slight more tolerance towards us awful Vegetarians... I know your all bored of hearing it, I know your all annoyed, I know you've heard it all before... But I really hope you can just be open minded, don’t see this as an attack, a lecture, me preaching etc etc. I just wana talk to you, without it being a war. Please?... I turned Veggy 16 years ago, when I was 18. I made that decision myself, I made that decision for the animals. I did not choose to do it because it was a ‘trend’ - as some people like to think now (plus 16 years ago it wasn't a trend so shhh your face). I have remained true to this decision and it is a part of my identity, my character, my personality. It is not a phase or a trial, it will be with me for life and I don’t regret a thing. It is such a personal and valuable choice I have made, it is so important to me, so it is very very hurtful when people make attacks / rude comments about it. I really hate the wars that comes with Meat eaters vs Veggys, v’s Vegans. No matter what you do nowadays, there are people on all sides to hate on you for it. Although I am aware that there are indeed ‘Preachy vegans’, not ALL of them are. Coming from a vegetarian, I will say that as preachy SOME vegans can be - SOME meat eaters are MASSIVE preachers also. I have been preached by vegans and meat eaters and it just sucks and I have no doubt there are preachy veggy’s out there too. Im also certain that there are some people (meat eaters and meat free eaters) who give opinions / advice / information in a way that isn’t preachy also (and this is the best way to inform / advise people in my view!) Because of how I have been treated about my vegetarianism throughout my 16 years, I made the decision to live and let live and to be no part of the fighting.   I do not lecture people or judge them, no matter what diet they have chosen. Because I know how it feels to constantly be under attack, purely because of what you choose to eat. Don’t get me wrong, would I prefer people to not let animals be killed and not eaten?...yes of course. Would I feel happy if everyone chose to not eat animals?... yes. Would I feel ok with someone eating a live animal in front of me or killing it?...no. BUT I am only responsible for MY decisions, and I accept that everyone has a right to choose for themselves. I would be thrilled if people wanted to ask me advice on veggy life if they were tempted by it, but Im not going to sit there glaring at you while you eat a burger. And no Im not offended if you order meat and no you don’t have to sit away from me! (Lets not single each other out ok?) And I hope you don’t glare at me for my veggy burger, (or as so many people like to point out, my ‘rabbit food’ =| ). If someone is a meat eater but is trying to cut down on meat - that is progress.  If a veggy is trying to be vegan but has slip ups now and again - that is still progress, they are trying.  If people only have Veggy meals once a week - that is still positive. If meat eaters never go meat free but are kind and respectful towards people who don’t - that is still good. Please stop hating each other because we are not doing the same things. We are all so different and are wired differently and we should be able to co-exist. People need encouragement - not lectures or discrimination. And yes I do class negative comments about chosen diet styles discrimination! We don’t challenge or make nasty comments about race, religion or sexuality, so we should not be doing it towards this stuff either.  Im probably going to upset a lot of veggys and vegans for saying these things, perhaps Im a hypocrite, or that I should be a Vegan (and admittedly I do feel guilty for not being a Vegan) but as I mentioned before - you are always going to upset someone, but we've just got to try our best, in whichever way we can. As mentioned before, I have received quite a lot of hate throughout the years... ‘I hate people like you’, “If the chefs knew you were veggy they'd spit in your food”, “This is Jay and she’s one of THEM” “Your’e a Twat” “Do you cry when you eat carrots?” “I bet you don’t suck dick then because you don’t eat meat” “Your shit must really stink being a veggy”, “Open your mouth and look at your’e teeth - they are for eating MEAT” “WHAT do you eat?!?!” “So what would you do if you were stuck on a desert Island - YOU WOULD EAT MEAT?! (This one got old SO FAST) “All you eat is rabbit food” “Jay only eats sweetcorn baguettes” “I dont date veggys” “WHY are you a veggy?!?! *said with the most judgemental expression and tone / laughter* “You should NOT be eating chocolate easter eggs because of the milk in them!”... I could go on and on and on and on. (and I do date meat eaters btw - how is that even a thing for people!?) I also want people to just try and understand, that with the majority of the veggy / vegan community, is that - we simply just don’t like animals being murdered. That is it. I don’t understand how that can be so hated against?. I understand people have their guard up and get defensive because how SOME people get on their high horse and preach etc etc. But if you were to take all that away and actually think of the core meaning of what Vegetarianism and Veganism is, its actually an act of love. Please understand - we see all animals the same, so as much as it would haunt you seeing a dog or a cat being killed - that is how we see it for all the poor soles in the slaughter houses. We just don’t want them to be murdered or treated in the barbaric ways that they unfortunately are- please don’t hate us for that - it truly is a good thing to choose not to be part of it, it doesn't hurt anyone or anything - it is a peaceful act and it needn't have so much backlash from so many. Again - that is not an attack, Im just trying to put a bit of peace and understanding in this situation from my side of things. As much as I have received hate, I have also received so much love and support from my family and friends, in which they are a mix of veggys and meat eaters, I will always be grateful, thank you for having my back. I hope this hasn't ruffled anyones feathers, I just wanted to try and put my view in, in a calm and peaceful way. Please, lets just stop all the hate. Be back soon. Jay Monster.

[monsterloveday]

Whatever you are - you’re fit.

Another bloggy! So as you know I have mentioned the subject on my (extra) weight a few times on here before. Its always been that I have shared my personal experiences, feelings and how it affected me and only me... because I can only delve into what has happened from my side. But as of lately, it has been very... thought provoking?, educational? eye opening?, to see that judgement lives on both / all sides of the spectrum. Something I never thought actually happened?. And to be honest I don’t know whats worse, just fat shaming?, or knowing that no matter what you look like, there is always some twatty tribe of people to tell you, that your body / face is not acceptable and you are not good enough as you are. We cant bloody win can we? Whatever ‘Category’ society may put our appearance(s) in, they will STILL tell us, that how we look is wrong... Thin - but tiny boobs Thin with big boobs - out of proportion Fat - but flat chested Fat with ‘fat girl boobs’ / saggy Breast implants - Fake Thin male - with no muscle Fat Male - needs to be thinner Muscly male - too obsessed with the gym

There. Is. No. End.

All my life, whether it be from the media, peoples comments, the exposure of ‘what is sexy’ -  it has always always been that THIN is IN.

Its almost like its automatically been wired into our brains to believe this. Now, Im aware that this is still a common message in this day and age, and of course fat shaming is 100% still living and breathing (hell do I know it) BUT... How tiring to see it happen to thin people also. As a girl who has always been taught that being fat was the worst thing you could be, I had always seen thinness as a ticket out of the hateful comments, a ticket to happiness, I could wear all types of clothes with no shame. If I was thin - everything would be better... I would be sexy, more attractive / more accepted, and most importantly... people would be nicer to me. So it was astonishing to see that even (some) thinner people not only get shit from others - but they THEMSELVES wish they were BIGGER?! Something that I have tried to rid of all my life, is what someone else wants to become?! It was mind blowing yet so interestingly sad to realise that some thin people also wish they are something they arnt, and that they can be made to feel just as worthless because of other peoples awful mouths.  How cruel the world can be to ALL types of people. How I only saw it from my side. Because I thought no one would hate being thin. Thin / skinny was always a compliment in my eyes, but for some, it is the equivalent of how hurtful being called ‘Fat’ is to me. Another aspect of this is, is that not in every case should body shape be an indicator of your life style or what you may or may not eat. People get it so twisted. Why do people assume that fat people are lazy and that thin people don’t eat? Yes, there are some fat people who are lazy, and some thin people who don’t eat, but that doesn't mean every fat person is not fit or strong, or that a thin person hardly eats?. People can be thinner / fatter because of health issues. People can try and try so much to gain / lose weight but their body just doesn’t?. They can have medical reasons, parts of their body may not be working the way they should, people may have eating disorders, or hate the way they look. Yet people spit out their opinions on your body like its their business??. You don’t know what someone is going through or whats in their head or body to make them look the way they do, but whats more, leave them the hell alone?! Cant we just accept that bodies are just bodies and they do what they need to do to keep us alive and who cares what shape they may form?!

Were just people and we should see each other for the people we are, our traits, our personas - the things that actually matter and make up a person, make up a soul.

And obviously it doesn't stop there does it? You could have all the beauty in the world, and then some prick will say you are the wrong colour, the wrong height, the wrong nationality - as Ive already said, there is no end!. As hard as it is, its because of all this, that I feel we have to go with what we have. Because even if i lost all my weight, got plastic surgery etc, there would still be someone to call me ugly etc. Be your own tribe, who just accepts your body for what it is, otherwise we are in a never ending battle of self hate - which would SUCK ASS. I know its hard to be completely fine with how you look, I battle with that kind you thing everyday, but if we could just accept it - for now, (we can all work on loving our bodies for a later date) but just don’t be a part of the twatty tribe, especially when its to yourself!  - and if you are a person who makes comments about how other people look, do the world a favour and just jump off the planet yeah? Whatever you are Fat / Thin / Dark / Light / Short / Tall / Bald / Hairy / Muscly (the list goes on) You. Are. FIT. Be back soon Jay Monster. 

[monsterloveday]

Why I think ‘Before and After’ pics are actually really shit.

So I have wanted to blog this for probably over a year - but (with like so many of my other blogs) I have been putting it off in fear that people will get offended - its 2019, a time where EVERYTHING is offensive. But. Fuck it. Im talking about ‘Before and After’ pics (from fatter to thinner). So I'm not saying that if people are aiming for / have reached a goal that they shouldn't be proud, (especially if its for health reasons) or that people shouldn't be happy when they've really worked hard for themselves... What I don't like about them is the messages that can come with them. So in most cases, we have been taught that getting smaller is to be praised, and that getting bigger?, well that would be awkward to bring weight gain up because that is BAD, right?. So, it's usually that we glorify and congratulate people who are now seen as more attractive / improved because they are thinner, so what does that say about our outlook / attitudes toward them when they were their bigger selves? I have seen some people completely slate themselves in ‘Before’ pics and it saddens me. Even saying things ‘When I ate everything / When I was a complete porker etc’ So what will happen to your state of mind if you go back to that weight again one day? (were humans - life changes and we don't stay the same all of the time) I cant imagine anyone would put out a ‘Ive gone back to my bigger self’ before and after pics, can you? What if life completely kicks your ass and things get too much, you really struggle or you get a certain illness or you, you know AGE and you wake up THAT AWFUL UNACCEPTABLE size again? God forbid. (way to set yourself up to feeling like utter shit btw) I even see new mothers comparing their body to how it was before with shame and its like... YOU HAVE JUST CREATED A HUMAN INSIDE OF YOU, CARRIED IT AND DEVELOPED IT FOR NINE MONTHS AND PUSHED IT / HAD IT CUT OUT OF YOURSELF AND YOU THINK YOUR BODY SHOULD LOOK LIKE IT DID WHEN YOU WERE AN 18 YEAR OLD? It's so sad, unforgiving and unfair. (There are bigger things to life than the fear and shame of a few new stretch marks).  Whats more, is how are the people out there going to feel, who are the same size or bigger as your ‘Before’, currently? So. Many. Bad. Messages.

The main thing I don't like is how the pictures put out the impression of “Look how disgusting, unattractive and ugly I was, but look at me now! I am of value! and happier!”. But you were of value then too?. You were still gorgeous back then, you were just a different body type. You were still worthy, with a brain, a personality and heart, (and these things are the most important part of you) You were still you and being you is the most important thing you can do. (that totally rhymes). If we keep teaching ourselves that beautiful comes in only one body type - we are learning no lessons - STILL. If you are happier / healthier then fair play to you! but you were still a decent and beautiful human being then - like yourself, for bigger or smaller and that is the most attractive and appealing thing, it will shine out of you at every size. And that is where the proper beauty lies. (I totally rhymed again). Plus, it wouldn't matter if you got bigger again because you’d be like “Oh well I look damn good like this too, better go get some clothes for this version of my body then! - ps Im fit!”

You are fit, in any version of you - young, old, bigger, smaller. Work it. I saw a Before / After pic of Demi Lovato and it was like ‘PREACH!’. She said “I was beautiful then, and I am beautiful now” THAT is the kind of before and after picture I want to see more of. So be proud and happy in ANY size you may come to be without being degrading towards yourself or others. Its probably the best thing we can all do for ourselves. (me included!) My body has changed SOO many times throughout my life, and hating on it is such a battle, when I was younger I used to tell myself..  “As long as I don't get stretch marks on my belly, because that would be the WORST.” I now have a fuck load on my belly and I'm still alive?? I have stretch marks because of Polycystic Ovaries, Because of me over eating when my dad died - my body shows what I have been through - outwardly, it's my story. Lets just go with it and just be ok with it changing - just as our faces and everything else does!. Love you all - for bigger and smaller S’cuse me while I feel myself. Jay Monster

[monsterloveday]

Dyslexic Brain Says No.

Being Dyslexic is shit- I cant even fooking spell it. You don't understand your brain. Your brain doesn't understand you. But you have to put up with each other for life, like a married couple that hate each other but will never get divorced. You don't know how to make your dyslexia more manageable. Other Dyslexics don't understand your type of dyslexia. You don't know how to help teachers / trainers to help you learn better. Places of education can label you with the title but also don't know how to actually help you with it - nor do they care. (*Throws free books at you and runs*... erm, I cant read it?)

Don't even get me started on pretty much every work place Ive been in. (Oh whats that your dyslexic?, whatever attention seeker! excuses!, excuses!, now go and learn the job in two seconds flat as we teach things in one way only and if you don't get it straight away you're a dumbass and we may consider getting rid of you!). Its become such a fear that no work place will tolerate how slow I am at learning, I am becoming slower and they are becoming less patient, but I need money to live so this is quite daunting and I have no idea where I will end up because of it (perhaps cleaning up poo or something that requires nothing that is remotely challenging). It plays on your mind in every job you have and starting a new job is no doubt one of the scariest experiences for me because of the D word. I wish people actually knew what its like having this unreliable type of brain. I forget everything...no - EVERYTHING. I would love SO much to try and teach the ‘Normal world folk’ how to do creative shit in the same methods they do and then have lots of things to say about them when they cant do it.  Put simply - its just not fair and it's annoying as shit.

It's the attitude ‘It's no one else’s problem’, so not much patience, tolerance or effort to research it / understand it takes place, and this in itself makes the problem bigger because its like there is a division, the ‘normal people’ and the rest of us, and we don't understand each other - yet we still have to fit into their moulds and methods and we’d better be good at it!. (eeek). But our Dyslexic brains just cant work like that. It's a lot of pressure and anxiety I tell you! It just annoys me that we are made to feel like we are stupid, when this is an actual learning difficulty and is REAL. It's not just something we make up, it is an actual issue with our brains and its hard. We have to begrudgingly accept that things are just much harder and slower for us and we have to always carry that burden and hope some good soul out there will also have the same out look and are kind enough to put up with us when learning something new. Doesn't really seem a fair situation. You have to have humour about it though... I am currently learning how to drive. My instructor - the poor sod. XP I am taking fifty million years and ill probably be about 50 when I pass but this is the ways of a Dyslexic unfortunately. Instructor “Go Right at the round about” *Jay approaches roundabout and literally two seconds have passed*... “Where are we going again?” Instructor “Right” *Jay turns Left* *Jay learns something and by the next minute has forgotten it all* Instructor “Lets do some more Show Me Tell Me questions that I asked you last week” *Jays face is blank...”Ummm ...What?” Instructor “Get in the middle lane” Jay “THERES TOO MANY LINES THAT CROSS EACH OTHER!?!?! *Panics and leans closer to the windscreen asking which lane he means and ends up crossing three of them and most definitely goes in the wrong one* ...whoops. My Dyslexia (I have literally had to put a spelling check each and every time I have written that friking word) reminds me of that bit from the Simpsons where it shows the inside of Homers brain and its just some kind of cow and bird singing and dancing - this is exactly what its like if someone is trying to explain something to me but there is no visual to put it too, or perhaps are giving me directions, you may as well talk to the wall and I may as well keep dancing to the tune in my head. The information just wont go in and I will look brain dead!. However!, put a tune to it or a colour / visual - it will be locked in there. Cant everything be colour coded or said in rhymes? “Follow the purple lane and take the green exit to “Toads Road” - sorted! “Could you give me those directions said in rhyme to the tune of Bar Bar Black sheep please?” “These written instructions are all very nice but can you draw a picture or make a video of it instead?” “I know you given me literally three instructions but can you write them down for me please?....say it again?” “But which way is right if Im standing on the left??? *turns left to try and understand directions from every perspective*....what?. “Can you stop talking for just one second...just give me the information in the SMALLEST SHORTEST WAY OR MY BRAIN WILL CRY AND I WILL NEED TO CRY!!!!!” Its these types of things that are the reason we are not catered for in most work places! I guess if I don't even understand it how can I expect others too! XP I cant type anymore - I’ll draw you a picture or make an immature song up about it? Be back soon Jay Dyslexic Brained Monster.  

[monsterloveday]

Your grief is depressing me.

I have no idea how people will feel reading this, but ultimately I want to because  death is such a taboo subject - its avoided so much that I don't think we do ourselves any favours by avoiding it. After all, if you haven't already been through it, you will at some point. (You know what they say, you can never avoid death or taxes).

Although nothing will ever prepare you for it, I do believe we should give lee way for the people who do want to speak out on it, as it was from going through grief myself, I noticed how so many people tried to silence me due to their own fear / awkwardness / attitude towards it - this is not fair nor is it healthy. Its also a really shitty treatment towards grieving people. I feel that it is such a painful subject that we seem to fear the thought of it (and rightly so), but, I feel we do need to speak on it more - whether you have been through it or not.  This isn't to say that death should be spoken of all the time as that of course would be draining, but I do fear there are many ‘unwritten rules’ on this, one example being that you are ‘bringing people down’ or that people wont want to hear it or know what to say and you can understand that and appreciate that to a point.

But really, pretending death doesn't happen or locking those thoughts away probably don't help individuals when a loved one does actually pass away. I feel it is something us humans have to try and learn to be more open about, to not be afraid to bring it up, accept and perhaps educate ourselves on. When dad was having his last days (as horrendous as they were), I almost feel like I can say that the aftermath of death is actually worse (or maybe just as bad), that it is probably worse for the people who witness the death, over the person who is actually dying. People think that even with death ‘Time is a healer’, I even remember thinking to myself that at the year mark point, I would probably be so much better.

How naive I was. Grief has no expiry date. There is no ‘getting over it’. I feel just as bad now as I did then, and I wonder just how long this will be with me, I then fret that I will always carry this, as like I mention before, there is no ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’ with death. That person has gone, that theyre absence is so loud, it is a constant reminder, its massive, dark and noticable, and that the fact they have died will always, always, always be shit and nothing will change that. Im just telling it like it is.  Since then I look at the rest of my family, friends, and even my dog and worry about how bad it will be WHEN (not if) WHEN other loved ones die. That I have to do this again, and again, many more times. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die first to avoid it. It makes me not like life at all. The world has become a very scary place now, how it snatches anyone it wants, and you are left to deal with that, and live a life knowing that that hangs over you all the time, yet you are expected to just ‘carry on’. At the time I remember seeing a gif of a monster hovering over a man walking up the stairs  - he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the right moment, an extended version of waiting for the axe to fall. This is exactly how I felt. It. is. Awful. I remember being at dads side all day, at every minute looking at him and my heart pounding, checking if he was still breathing, wondering “is he dead?!”. Seeing my once strong dad now with all sorts of shit in his arms, his face, and everywhere else, not even able to open his eyes, the sounds of the machines trying to help him breathe - gah. Fuck that memory. And then going home to an empty house. My sister was with her other half, my brother his, my mum staying with dad (and rightly so). I had to walk past dads room, his belongings became SO noticeable, that even the sight of them scared me. How different this house was now. I was alone in a house that used to be my family home, now it was a house filled with horrors that reminded you of what was about to be taken away, how just a few weeks before he was in this house - not about to die. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve this, to watch my dad slowly die all day and night and have to come home alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be held so tight that it knocked me out. I kept all the lights on and I rang my friend who has also lost her dad and stayed on the phone to her until I fell asleep. I never forget friends like that. It was the worst. It was hell - but it wasn't a case of I was owed bad karma, its that life can be cruel, and it can be cruel to ANYONE. Not just me. And that ultimately - death is a part of life. When he died, after 10 long days of waiting for it to happen, I couldn't deal how people looked at me awkwardly, that I was the elephant in the room, that it is said that talking about things will help but yet when you try and open up peoples body language scream “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU”, the looks on their faces, the silence. Not only that most of the people around me hadn't lost anyone, so they didn't get it, but that my grief was actually making THEM feel awkward or that they didnt really want to speak to me. Some friends didn't even bother to contact me and said “ I didn't think you would want to come out”. It all added to my isolation. To this day I still don't talk to close friends or even my family about it, how death has taken such a massive characteristic from me - expression. Its taken so much of me. And people don't know what to say. That is not an attack or criticism, because its not a popular topic, and people avoid it like the plague. And rightly so, because its depressing. But this is why I wanted to write about it, I feel that if talking of death wasn't so taboo, It would help people for when they are actually going through it, or even in the smallest way, help them accept or prepare for an inevitable death, theres no ‘How To’ on death and for me personally, not having addressed death before - it really kicked my ass (and still is to this day) when it did arrive - after all, everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Soon people see it as old news’ (especially after the funeral - how ghastly funerals are) and assume you must be ‘better’ now. It really doesn't work like that. Its ongoing. The heart specialist that saw dad through his last days told us himself that life is much harder after the funeral - this made me dread and dread and dread the funeral so much. But he was so right. Every day was so scary, dreadful and just black. It really does feel like you are in a out of body experience, that your mind just cant handle what is going on, so it shuts itself down and blocks things out whichever way it can, for some its denial, shock, its like your in a never ending nightmare and you just want to wake up. Soon after, my sister announced her pregnancy and I freaked.the.hell.out. I couldn't deal with all this massive change in my family in a tiny amount of time, what If I never see her now?, she will have her own family and we will be forgotten?!, that dad just missed it! what if what if what if?!!?. I ate and ate my way through these situations, I couldn't control or be disciplined at such a bad time in my life, the weight piled on and so did the depression - but this decision to eat has made things so much worse - but I still wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. I had a breakdown and that very morning took myself to the doctor. I couldn't deal and I wanted pills to take me out of this, at any cost. I wanted to be drugged at the highest level. Just take it away. Pills. They were not my friend. This in itself will be another blog as I want to stay focused on this topic. But in short, my health went to shit. My confidence was dropping and dropping and dropping. I stopped sculpting, I stopped art, I stopped ukulele, I stopped cooking. I stopped dating. I stopped singing, I stopped trying. My labido completely vanished. I didn't feel like a human anymore, I couldn't give love and I couldn't receive it. I was just a thing with skin. I didn't like boys, boys wouldn't like me - not at this weight and my belly. I hated how I looked, I hated my hair, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my now unfitting clothes, I hated how depressing clothes shopping had become, so I stopped. Everything I once took pleasure in, didn't please me anymore. Not even if I tried. I think I could have done the most amazing things and it still wouldn't budge this thing inside of me, taking over. I was turning into the worst version of me, a version of me I never knew existed. Mornings became a demon.  Im sure theres loads of you that relate to this and know what I mean by this. Id be in bed and suddenly my heart raced and it felt like that feeling you get when your about to do something that scares the shit our of you or makes you so nervous you need to puke, that the tiniest tasks became mountains - “Oh my actual god I have to get out of bed today and face people and do things”?!?!  I was so nervous and scared all the time and didn't know why.

I become so so tired having to work throughout the week, yet hated the weekends because of feeling unproductive or lonely. I felt so tired doing too much but felt like I had to be doing something as soon as I stopped, its like you are in a constant battle with yourself. My life went from grief, to anxiety and depression all in one hit. And I had to try and live with it every single day. Its so hard. And I still have to keep fighting through all this crap that life throws at me, Im still not at the ‘other side’ of all this and when I think I've had my dose of it, it gives me some more. But life does this to everyone and thats why I think its important to not be afraid of being open about feeling shit, because we can be there for each other. Yet we all seem to stay quiet and get annoyed when people express themselves if they are feeling sad, they are given the “you are so negative / moaning label - this isn't the case. I hate that people turn a blind eye because people express their negative emotions, really, what is wrong with that? I think ultimately I want to say to anyone that has lost someone, or is about to, or maybe people that just battle with their inner demons... Its annoying as hell but you have to fight back. And I know its so frustrating to have to fight for things that other people get so freely. Like - just being ok. Know that I am with you. I. Am. With. You. Know that this terror, too shall pass and you will get stronger. You will.

And you'll be surprised by how many people feel the way you do, but we just don't speak of it, so we think its unique to us - its not, we are a massive bunch of humans who suffer but not together!. I learned that life isn't always on my side and admitting that life is hard, we just have to get harder, and we do. I think sometimes we don't realise it though. You don't have to be fearless to be brave, being scared all the time is brave, because you have to force yourself through the fear all the time! I wont ever be the same person I was before my dad died, but maybe I need to stop trying to be, maybe its ok that I will always be a little bit broken. Death is so life changing for the people still remaining, so don't expect to stay the same person. And that is also OK. I would like to hope that at some time, life will be brighter for us once more, I think good and bad times pass by like waves, we cant have one without the other. What a beautiful cunt life is, ay? =p. One difference I have noticed in myself is how much more appreciative I am of small things. Just being with people, taking photos, hearing the birds sing, Knowing that life isn't forever, but its now, and now is all we have. So go get that tattoo, go on that trip you have always wanted too, tell that person how deeply in love with them you are, go and get your life and chase those goals, its scary, but its worth it. We wont be here forever! There is no “Im over it” now, as mentioned before, after losing someone, a gap is there that will never be filled.  But. Although it seems so very unlikely, you will feel love again You will laugh so hard again You will be able to think of that person and a smile come onto your face, instead of a tear and sometimes it will just be tears Sometimes you will miss them so much it hurts Sometimes you will feel lucky you had them in your life Sometimes you will feel cheated that they were taken away. There will be days where you can face things and days where you cant. You will never feel just one way, but you really do learn to live with it, and I promise you, although you will miss them so much - you're going to be OK. You become better at always being sad about it, and it will always be there, but it wont destroy you like it does in the early days / months / years. I was watching a film last night, about a man who died and was saying to his still alive wife beyond the grave, “I still exist”. This filled my heart will sheer comfort - the thought that death doesn't mean they are gone, that they really are still alive - just somewhere else. Dad please be up there, I really want to see your face again! and the hope that I could gives me me such a lift!. And maybe if we try to think, that maybe death isn't the worst thing, because hopefully our loved ones have gone somewhere BETTER! where they are the happiest they could ever be, no suffering, no pain and that they are having a ball up there! its like I've said, I think its worse for the people left behind and maybe if we start accepting that death happens, maybe we wont fight against it so much by knowing that death isn't the end! Im trying to hard to feel this way! Involve only good people in your life, be true to yourself, express yourself no matter how you feel and most importantly... They still exist. Jay

[monsterloveday]

I hope you don't mind.

‘Jigsaw pieces are different but still fit together”. This headline was said in a video I recently watched by ‘Bodyposipanda’ on Instagram (god I love her) and the truth of it hit me all at once, I couldn't quite believe that something so true had never penetrated my brain. It got me thinking and made me realise how I have created and followed certain ‘Rules’, when it comes to body types and my body type especially. I have been so goal oriented lately and making and booking plans (it feels so good to finally get things rolling btw haha) that the thought of dating / getting out there / love is not one of my priorities, in fact it has become so unimportant to me that my attitude towards this kind of thing is completely transforming (and for the better I’d say, although thats another story entirely).

However another reason men / relationships / dates etc have been on the back burner is because I have (unknowingly, until now) continued to follow my belief that my body is not to standard / thin enough to have any kind of involvement with anyone, thats it is ‘a work in progress’ and undesirable to all, especially to myself.  

I told myself that I cant and shouldn't look for love or even anything casual any time soon as I don't have the right body for it, (like there are requirements and regulations?). It just wasn't an option at this point in my life and to focus on something more important, and in the mean time I will continue with being ashamed of my body and to cover up as much as possible.

I took myself off dating sites as I was now bigger than the pictures on my profile and I couldn't possibly upload newer and truer ones of myself, only when I got back to an ‘acceptable size’ would I re appear. I believed that thinner guys would not be interested in a girl like me as I am too big for them. Any time I notice a beautiful man (no matter what size he may be) I have a good look at them (obviously! ;P) and then turn my eyes to the floor as if to say to myself ‘you cant try anything with anyone right now’. Its crazy to think how much I have forbidden upon myself, so many things and all because I have a different body now. But it was reading through the many comments by women on this Instagram video that made me so sad (but also selfishly comforted) to learn that SO MANY WOMEN have made these rules also. The hating of stretch marks, the worry of belly roles, the belief that because our bodies are bigger than potential partners means that they do not fit. Tonight I deleted my POF account for good (no not the typical uninstalling - reinstalling pattern I have repeated over the years). Purely because every time I went on it, I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I saw too much fat hating, too much shallowness. Too many profiles stating they wont speak to bigger girls, too many guys making comments on my weight, or my hair or piercings. (and obviously the endless amounts that just want one thing only).

Now, I understand everyone has preferences / types and of course that is ok, and with dating, rejection is something that comes with it (no matter how many times you get rejected it sucks though) but when I see guys at word go laying down the law of ‘I will not speak to you if you are fat’ is quite franky such a shitty way to be and is probably one of the many causes as to why women believe they have to become this perfect body in order to be wanted or to be seen as attractive. Seeing this type of attitude started to cement the belief into my brain that men don't seem to look for good hearts, good personalities or good morals in women - just a perfect body and a perfect face, which are things I will never have. It made me feel completely worthless and absolutely shite and that fatness is so hated and its almost criminal if you are. But I don't want to go down that road. I am really resisting that belief, I WANT to be believe that there are guys out there who don't mind. Who wont mind that I have grey hair Who wont mind that quite frankly I have more fat on me than most. Who wont mind that one of my boobs is slightly bigger than the other  (some of these things have been complained about by a guy I was dating a few years back - yep!) Who wont mind that I cant be confident or perfect in EVERY way possible And that regardless of all the shitty messages / face to face comments I have received  - I don't want to drown in them and let them influence my thoughts towards guys and how they may see me...or even , how I see myself. Maybe Ill never meet someone - and that is ok... Maybe its best to stay the way I am so if anyone is to come my way they will like me for EXACTLY who I am  Maybe ill get bigger, Maybe I’ll get smaller Maybe I’ll become successful Maybe I’ll fail Maybe I’ll get a million more stretch marks and perhaps grow a beard. But whatever I may be - if a guy is to come into my life, I hope he wont mind.

#i

[monsterloveday]

Love for the inexperienced.

With my eight years single life I cant give you the low down of relationships. I am a rookie of having ‘a better half’ shall we say.

But. In a way, it has been my time of being single that has almost forced an idea / expectation of how love should be, (or how I wish it to be at least). Something that I have been waiting for / imagined about on and off (I tell you now I cant wait to kiss the face off a man that I actually LIKE and who ACTUALLY LIKES ME BACK). But this is so so hard to find, for those who have found it - count yourselves lucky, no really. I have been given the opportunity to observe couples who say they love each other, but by my standards the relationship seems so wrong and they really do settle for the title of ‘In a relationship’. This is not to say that all couples are like this, just before some people get defensive. Sometimes I wonder if I am in some kind of dream land, that I need to get real and accept that love too is indeed ‘mediocre’. But have you noticed those very rare couples where they just seem to have something so magical between them?

If you can have the best, the kind where you cant quite believe you have got so lucky, why would you stay with the ‘mediocre’ relationship?. - Why have toast when you can have pizza?

At 30, I believe I still havent really had a ‘proper’ adult relationship, I have had two previous relationships but I was a kid - I had no idea what I was doing, I had no clue as to what was ok and not ok to put up with, I went into them knowing one day we would split when the time was right. 

They say we have to fuck up with others in order to have the real deal with the right one, right?. But even now as an adult, I don't think I know the lowdown of how to be a good girlfriend (let alone wife) or that I trust myself enough to keep my standards high or to choose the right person. I certainly wasn't ready for it when I was younger, but would the grown up version of me be strong enough for it?. Or would I fall into the trap of settling purely because I would receive a but of lust / attention after years of not having it?...it’s a scary thought.

I digress, this may be my pathetic fantasy, coming from a naive singleton so maybe I really haven't got a clue of what its actually like, but I would like to think of it as... That from meeting this person, the world seems a lot more positive, more bearable, that the whole planet seems a better place - simply because they are on it. That your day is going to be a good one, because they are there. That you can look at them and know you can truly be 100% yourself (I have never been able to be completely myself around a partner). And that you and have no reservations, to be open about all your bad sides, and know they still love you - how incredible this would be. And that even though you thought you knew what you wanted / were looking for, they were better than anything you could have imagined, and that your original ‘dream partner’ is actually a pile of wank in comparison to this incredible human being. That they can get warts all over them, gain a few stone and you will still love them with everything you have because you have fallen in love with who they are and you know the relationship was built on something more than attraction / lust. That you love them for more reasons than how they make YOU feel. It’s equally about how much you love and want to forfill THEM.

You are not just lovers - you are the best of mates too. That you still remain individuals who are together but push each other to strive and to continuously improve and succeed. I think it’s so important to have separate lives as well as a life together. I have made the mistake of completely losing myself to the point where I had no idea what my standards were anymore because I had given everything to one guy (who ended up throwing it all away anyway). I still want to be Jay Loveday - not “whats his names girlfriend”. I would no way be able to do EVERYTHING TOGETHER.  Ive been alone too long for that.

With this, I would like to find someone who is still very independent, can still do his own thing but also makes time for me. I want adventures together and to know my life was worth living - because it was spent with that person. And ultimately, after years of being together - you can still pinch each others ass and give a cheeky wink. ;p I think continuing to flirt is so important, why do so many let go of that? its so much fun. Sigh. Now this silly dream of mine could be the very reason I am still single, but if this is what it takes to wait out for someone really amazing  - then so be it. I genuinely want them to think the sun shines out of my ass - and I, his. Lets hope I have a dude I can call my own someday. Until then, ill pass on the toast, thanks. Be back soon, Jay Monster

[monsterloveday]

When you completely lose yourself by trying to find yourself

Hello to the two of you that read my blogs. ;P So today my mind was its usual whirlwind of chaos - dwelling, fretting, over analysing, predicting and its panicked self (my brain is a DICK).

I started the day waking up and just thinking... “I think I hate my life” - that I was so unfulfilled, tired, bored and depressed with my daily routine. Which then lead me to think “Will anything EVER fulfil me or be enough?” or will I always be a little bit depressed?. Those days where you completely evaluate your whole existence, that it seems everyone has their shit together (getting those dream jobs, those dream partners, travelling the world etc) yet you still don't know what the fuck to do with your life and have about £50 in your savings?. And no matter what option you consider to try and better your life, you worry that theres a chance it will go completely wrong or that maybe it isn't the right decision and your actually going about life the totally wrong way?. *Im crap at life alert!* You so badly want things to get better so you go over and over in your head with what route to endure first, but worry that going down one path neglects the others and then your brain just becomes this massive pile of tangled up spaghetti thoughts by trying to sort out everything before they've even begun, and this results you to just freeze due to the overload which then accomplishes nothing and so around you go from the beginning in the endless, powerful, relentless storm of ‘trying to predict the future’ stress. Or is that just me... =/ It feels like I personally try to search for happiness but have no idea what form it comes in, so I make this list in my head and tell myself to try each one of them in hope to ‘find my happy’, but have no idea which area to try first... What is being happy anyway?. This list then becomes over bearing and dominates my thoughts daily. And then theres the other smaller attempts to ‘find your happy’... “Maybe eating my body weight in crap will make me happy?, maybe having loads of random sex, maybe having no sex at all?, maybe If I go on Facebook 24/ 7?, maybe this?, maybe that”? and nothing ever aids it!. Its like a plant that always needs to be watered, yet its always thirsty. Now obviously, having options is a good thing, but sometimes it feels like the more options you have, the more complex things become. There are so many wonderful opportunities as well as pressure to get the most from life that it almost feels as if we are failing ourselves if we do not accomplish each and every one of them, its like your just sat down watching TV and then the thought... “WAIT! IM NOT CONQUERING THE WORLD! MUST NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO WATCH TV OR EVER SIT STILL! - TOO MANY THINGS TO DO” so where the hell do you start?. And more options means more money is needed. The more money needed the more time to save up is needed. *inner thoughts* - But your in your thirties now and you don't have enough time! you still don't have a car or a this or a that bla bla bla unhelpful twatty thoughts* Money seems to be the problem yet the solution at the same time. So much confusion. I was completely consumed by these kinds of thoughts after I graduated (the good old end of uni crisis!). I left uni on a tearful high - I had just experienced the most powerful, beneficial and educational experience of my whole life and it felt incredible. I had met some people that will remain in my heart for the rest of my life, I had been daring, scared, proud and turned into best version of me. Knowing I had to end this chapter, a chapter that would be extremely hard to beat was the hardest, scariest and saddest thing. I was ending the best part of my life to move onto.... an empty door way. I also had a lot of emotional issues that came with the end of uni that made it harder for me to go back to that kind of life. My dad was terminally ill and returning home meant I (selfishly) had to face seeing my dad deteriorate in front of my eyes daily. I could no longer live in denial or be distracted by the boys, sex, friends and fun I was having.

I also had huge issues with my hometown. My hometown is a place where nothing ever happens, there is lack of culture, opportunity and openness, I generally felt the true me had the be kept under wraps when there. Lets say, the black sheep of the whole town?. Uni had turned me into a butterfly, returning home meant I would go back into my cocoon. Cocooned I did. And cocooned I still am. But... This isn't just me. I text my nearest and dearest with these thoughts today and each and every one of them (that bothered to reply =p) had basically said they had or are currently feeling like this. It is not more common in one sex over the other, nor do I believe it to be a thing of age. These feelings, this uncertainness, this dark place to be, is among us all at some point. Its ok and its normal to be completely lost. And we are together in this.  I keep telling myself that not everyone has their shit together, regardless of what Social media may say. Not everything is as it seems. Not everyone who is married is happy, not everyone working in my dream job thinks its as great as I imagine?. No one is ALWAYS happy and you are not ALWAYS miserable Jay! (even though you are such an exhausting person to be hahah!). Maybe having constant fits about what to do with your life will make you try something, anything, and maybe from trying, something will eventually happen? (even if it means fucking up several times before finding your feet?). I hope one day I can look back and say ‘It somehow worked out’, I hope one day I fall in love so hard and meet a man that is everything and more (and that my friends can say - ah you got your lumberjack ;P). I hope one day I see the most wondrous things of the world and cry at the sight of it, I hope I can say I did everything I was ever scared of and it gave me an armour that is not to be messed with. That I went out and made my life filled with adventures, fear, accomplishment and bravery, even though I shat myself all the time, I faced up to it and I achieved - with all the struggles that came with it. That the struggles created the success. I don't really have the answer for it as Im still in it myself, but lets keep shitting ourselves, keep guessing, keep being confused as its the rockets up our asses. And most importantly - One. Thing. At. A. Time. What is lost must be found, well I hope so anyway. To the people that keep wanting more - So much love to you. Be back soon. Jay Monster.

[monsterloveday]

Single life - the good and the bad.

The good and bad sides to single life. It absolutely has both, as does everything in life. There seems to be some kind of war between singles and coupled folk, as if they are trying to get one up on each other, to prove that their life is considerably ‘better’ than their opponents.

This bothers me. It bothers me because life isn't that rigid or consistent, life moves, and so do all of our situations. There is also the need to consider that people are so different, you know the saying, “one mans treasure” and all that. For some, my single life is their idea of a worst knight mare, simile, a nuclear family at the age of 25 would be mine.

Its nothing personal I guess, I think its just taken that way when people try and force their way of life on you, or assume you are miserable because you haven't got what they have, this goes without saying the people that straight up judge you for whatever your life circumstance - they can do one (and my oh my, there are many of them!). There are definitely times for me where being single is actually epic and others where it actually sucks balls.

I will share them with you. Bad points... Lack of touch. This one is strange for me, because I haven't been touched for so long, that Ive grown used to it, yet I still crave it from time to time (usually in the winter). BUT if I ever do get touched or if someone tried to hug me or something, it weirds me out now, that I find it unnecessary because I have gone so long without it!. Its definitely made me less affectionate and less expectant to receive affection. That part of me has kind of died.  I think I have associated touch / affection to do with only a partner - which is bad. (lets just say I am no longer a ‘hugger’) 

You also become very observant. All the “Netflix and chills” / “lets cuddle up on the sofa”, comments you so often see on social media or hear among all your coupled up friends and family members (yes I am pretty much the only single one left out of friends and family - which I will mention later on as its an issue in itself!) are a little punch in the heart. You kind of become a little bit bitter that some people have that certain someone that they can come and hug after a really shit day - and how some really take that for granted. Little things are so huge and not many people get that. I think that the people that have had a real good amount of time of being single understand this. Love is not something you are owed, but for some it just falls in their laps and they have never had to live life coping on their own. (You definitely get annoyed at people who take love for granted and people who cheat etc!) But - being deprived of something makes you learn to live without it - its a educational, saddening yet strengthening double edged sword. I cant even remember what snuggling up to a man feels like and they say that touch is actually something that humans need and that it releases the ‘feel good’ hormone - perhaps lack of touch does really do things to humans?. I believe so. Feeling Safe. Now, I think in my whole relationship / dating life, only one man made me feel safe and it was wonderful. Im not saying that women can not feel safe without a man - absolutely not. But there is something so damn sexy and reassuring when you can actually feel a mans strength (in his body and mind) and you know he has your back. When you walk down the street, you know there will be no shit from no one, as you are with him. That when you're in his arms - you feel completely and utterly safe, it makes you feel so feminine. Nothing can get you, and you breathe a sigh of relief, thats all is well, because you are there, with him.  I miss that, even if just for a minute I could have that again. All of your family and friends are pretty much hooked up. Gone are the days of going out and flirting with a group of guys, because all of your mates are at home with their others half's sucking dick or fanny. This also adds to the struggles of trying to ‘get out there’ as you’d be on the prowl alone - not attractive. When all your mates hook up, it kills your social life too, I miss the nights of going out dressed up all girly, dancing the night away and flirting / kissing with drunken guys.

There is no one to talk to when you have those ‘Im feeling crappy about being single’ moments because no one gets it because no one is in your situation. You will also never get a break from being surrounded by couples, family gatherings = couples everywhere, meeting with friends = couples everywhere. You have to become accustomed to always being the third, forth and fifth wheel when with family and friends. There was once a New Years Eve party where at midnight, everyone was obviously eating face and there I was - twat face, the only single person sat there hating my existence and wallowing in self pitty. (Holidays are the WORST for being single) This is not to say I dont love my friends and family but sometimes you just wish you had some single pals to break away from the constant reminders or someone to really open up to and that they understand, its tiring to always put on this brave face when really you just want to say you feel like shit. Theres also the chance coupled friends will get offended if you need to vent about always being the single one - its not personal, sometimes we just need to express ourselves. Sometimes you just wonder if you are destined to live life solo Perhaps it isn't happening because its not supposed to?, that you are actually happier alone?. Its happened to everyone else so easily so there must be a reason its not happening to you?. To you, its like climbing mount everest, yet to most, its as easy as 1,2,3!. That in the time you have been single, others have gone through about 3 relationships that have started, ended and then they have found ‘the one’ and got married, yet you cant even find A date?. Am I an alien? I must be doing everything wrong?. The longer it goes on for the more convinced you become that it will never happen and you kind of begrudgingly, make peace with it and stop trying and just live your own life. Confidence Sometimes, only sometimes you wonder what is wrong with you and that you are just not fanciable / fuckable / loveable. Those thoughts can fuck off - Im fucking awesome. You get so good at being single that you think you'd be crap at relationships The thought of having to share a bed with someone makes you want to die. What if they snore?. What If Im ill and I just need to do smelly farts all night and toss and turn without worrying that Im going to keep someone awake? What if I want a wank and I cant because THEY are there?! Omg would that mean we would have to arrange shower times in the morning?, Im not fucking sharing a shower with him! Oh man imagine someone constantly texting you even though you see them all the ruddy time? - just fuck off!. And having to see someone all the time?! Someone demanding my time from me? oh god I cant deal!. Gone would be the days of just going where ever I want without explaining myself to anyone! - Ive got too used to only thinking of me, Im too selfish to change that now! and whats more - ID HAVE TO FUCKING SHAVE AND GET MY BODY OUT. Man I’d be so shit at sex =\ and Id have to tell them I love them!. So. Many. Vulnerable. Feelings. Stay. Up. Walls!. Finance All those people who share bills, rent etc. Not everyone would have had an opportunity to move out if they didn't have their significant other, especially in this day and age of expense!. I can also say as a single person it is ruddy annoying having to cash out on everyone else's other half's / kids etc. Whereas presents for you are ‘from both of us’. My single life benefits everyone else's pockets when it comes to christmas! GAH!.  I get SO JEALOUS when I hear someone say that their other half is picking them up from work or cooking for them that night, I WISH I had that!. Fuck buses, walking the dog then having to cook for myself - food NEVER comes for single people, just try getting a bag of spinach for one! so much waste!. Good Points... My Flange is probably really tight  Its so out of use its like its brand new. I dont have to shave for anyone and it is marvellous.  I dont have to get my body out to worry what someone else thinks of it, nor do I have to worry if Im up the duff (although I use precautions, that worry is ALWAYS there, wondering, freaking the hell out, wondering when my period will ever come etc). Its a worry that is brilliant to not have to think about - nor do I have to think about the ruddy pill (no thanks!). Also - self service! =P Your independence and strength will sky rocket You really dont understand how some people freak out when they have to do things alone. For you, doing things alone is such an adventure / enjoyable experience. Yes I go out to dinner, the cinema, weekend breaks alone and its not weird my dears. I love how I can plan anything at anytime. Your strength builds up and up when your doing everything for yourself and it is really liberating and you realise that people that also have this quality are very rare. It makes you very strong and independent and independent people are sexy. =p You are as free as a bird - go fly!. I do what I want and I can order pizza at 3am and eat it in bed if I wish. (what a plan!). I could go travel for months on end if I wanted, I could move to a completely new place and chat up randomers if I so wished too and answer to no one. I could shave all my hair off and pork a load of girls just for fun. Learn a new instrument / get a hobby / go to evenings classes etc - because you CAN. I hear friends who have kids say how they would love to do the smallest of things like have a night to themselves, to go to the cinema or just go shopping, and I realise that I too, take small things for granted and I need to embrace my single life more.  What I do is completely my choice and my choice alone - no hold backs. It feels so good. Finance Yes there is a factor of finance on this side of the spectrum! Your money is YOURS. Go spend a butt load on a new jacket if you want. Go spend £70 on a hair cut if you want. Whats more, you save money on not having to buy hair removal stuff! No birthday or christmas presents on your other half - or dates, or nothing! Save up that spare cash and do something worth while - like get tattoos all over your body ;P - priorities darling, that is YOU! =P. You have control of your own wellbeing One of the biggest issues for me when in relationships / seeing someone was how their actions / treatment towards me effected my wellbeing. I hated that they had so much power to hurt me because my feelings for them were so deep. I hated being so vulnerable and how my happiness was so reliant on how they chose to treat me. With single life problems, they are mostly what you have brought upon yourself, and sorting your own shit out makes you stronger and not dealing with someone else's bullcrap is a breath of fresh air =) So, these are some of my good and bad points, I really could have gone on for forever!. My unshaven flange enjoys parts, and doesn't with other parts. I want to say that its completely human to have weak times about things - like wanting to be hugged sometimes does not make you needy! (I hate that theres so much name calling for humans wanting to be humans!) Whats your favourite thing and hate about your relationship status? Be back soon. Jay Monster.

[monsterloveday]

I fancy you therefore I will act like a complete twat.

Watch out!, there’s a very beautiful man in the room, you know what this means?... Act like a twat. Act like one of these options that you so very often thrust upon yourself... 1. Act like a bitch. Yes this is very good for putting your protective walls up, there’s no way you can seem vulnerable if you're a dick to him or act like you simply don’t give a shit. In fact, try and flirt with other guys in front of him!, maybe he will see your wanted by others and will play some competition?! Yes, he will certainly like this trait... =S *cries as he walks away from me* 2. Try oh so very pathetically desperately to get his attention Why am I over laughing at anything this guy says or does?, he's not even funny?, my flange is deceiving me! WHY do I keep heading to his vicinity?, am I glued to his ass?...oh and what a wonderful ass. WHY am I talking and laughing SO loudly?! STOP TRYING SO HARD AND JUST ACT ALOOF!?, BUT BEING ALOOF ISNT SOMETHING YOU CAN BRING ON?!. YOU ARE SUCH A GIRL!

Say something impressive!, quick!, why are you silent, say anything then?!?! I just said the most embarrassing shit and stuttered along the way, I want the floor to eat me. Stop talking. Stop talking - my face has gone red!, just STOP! Im trying to be funny and failing, Im trying to act sassy, don't try and wink you will fuck it up and look like you've just pooed. Stop playing with your hair and acting like a giddy school girl, stop adjusting your top, stop smiling simply by just looking at him?!!?, stop purposely wiggling your hips as you walk past him! AND DONT FALL OVER! Oh my god my hair is greasy and my make up is shit, I stink too! Have I got bougies or a hairy face? - DONT LIFT YOUR ARMS UP UNLESS YOU WANT HIM TO SEE THE UNSHAVEN PITS OF DOOM. GASP! hes talking to a girl! he fancies her!, they couldn't possibly just be friends?!...bitch. Should I text him?...I just text him, oh my god he wont reply, and what I said in the text screamed PLEASE PUT YOUR DICK IN ME YOU BEAUTIFUL SPECIMEN. *Over evaulautes text context for the next year whilst rocking back and forth hating oneself* You are pathetic!. 3. Ignore attractive men at all costs. This man is far too beautiful for you to even look at him, he only porks the best looking women, were talking skinny blondes who make you want to scrape your face off. This is a lost cause, don't even try!. Way above league, feelings of inadequacies, he will never fancy my face! Mine compared to his is a rotting piece of poo. Oh my god he makes me feel like a mouldy loaf of bread, don't even make eye contact - you may explode. Evaluate everything you do and assume he thinks your a stupid whale! I hope for the love of god he doesn't talk to me, I’d probably puke or stutter so hard and make a complete dick out of myself, don't fall over anything, heart attack! Stay far far away and remember you are a chubby girl who likes to fart, he probably like girls who never poo and fart rainbows - because they exist!

Yes this is the ridiculousness that comes out when handsome men are around and how it has probably contributed to my years of single life. And whats more, is that men I dont fancy, that I feel compfortable with, see the best sides of me, the sides that would most probably attract a man towards me, the funny, relaxed side, the side of not giving a shit, of feeling confident and un-trying, you know the BEST parts of me?!!?

So the very rare times a guy fancies me its because I don't fancy them and the best side of me comes out. The people who fancy me, I don't fancy them, the people I fancy? don't fancy me. *Sigh* I know! - I’ll try for a guy who isn't scarily beautiful, but is still attractive in a cute way?, nice looking enough to kind of fancy but doesn't intimidate me?!...yes yes!. This is going well!, I can talk to him easy! I don't fancy him that much though...hmm =\

*time goes by, good chemistry is achieved...I fancy him more now...OH NO! THIS MEANS!... activate over analysing, doubting, acting like a twat NOW! Where has he gone?!... What a tangled web I weave. Fucks sake. Be back soon. Jay Monster.

[monsterloveday]

The Wonderful Struggles Of The Creative Mind.

So if your a creative you will understand this. If you are not - you wont. There seems to be a “Im a creative” community where we all seem to understand each other with our frustrating complications. That stamp on our heads that causes SO much complexity in life. But its something that we don't dare wish to trade. It is definitely a love hate relationship.

Its like an annoying pain that you don't wish to cure because in the end you get so much out of it - you grow from it, you progress from it, but it never comes easy or for free. You have to go through that bit of suffering for it. For some reason it always reminds me of pregnancy and childbirth, when you finally get to see your finished piece and you think “it was all worth it” haha. And when its done you feel relieved, exhausted, but that natural high is luring you in to do another piece soon - yet you know you will stress to high hell when your in the process again. But you want to get better, you want to learn more and more - it almost feels like there is no end to it as your work or the stage you're in will never be enough.  Im not saying Im this pro artist, I am still just dipping my toes into the creative pool, but I know its something that is naturally within me, I definitely need to improve and learn as much as I can, but I know that ‘seed’ needs to be nurtured, its up to me to help it grow, that I would have failed or wasted it if I don't bring out. Its a ‘gift’ that was given to me, its my way of contributing to the world - well thats the way I see it. Kinda of like if you imagine a beautiful violin made from the finest materials, with hours of craftsmanship being put into it, but it never gets played. 

Looking at other peoples work can be good and bad. Its good for inspiration / ideas. But sometimes you'll look at other peoples work and it kicks your works ass. ”I want to be as good as that, but will I ever be?” - the feeling of inadequacy and constant competition will never leave you - so its best to just embrace your particular skill or look and see that as your personal stamp on it. It is best to only be in a competition with yourself. 

But sometimes that is so hard.  There is never a 50 50 life with us, we are one extreme to the other - so focused and in the zone and determined to get somewhere with this ‘gift’ or so unfocused and completely lost because our art isn't going as we want and with that everything else in life seems to follow suit. Art is very emotionally draining for me. Its like a domino effect for me, when I am happy in life, my art stuff blossoms and I feel like my life has purpose and is on the way to going somewhere, whereas when I am not doing life so well, my art and everything I once took pleasure in falls to the wayside, which again leads to a downward spiral. Its a hard thing to get out of once it happens, I think thats why we have terms like ‘Art block’ / ‘Writers block’. I think creatives expect more from life. From seeing so much beauty around us, we also see so much pain - we are the happiest and most depressed. If I were to only work in a job I didn't give a crap about for my rest of my life and just exist, Id be left thinking... “Is this it?, is this ALL there is too it?, what about reaching my goals and having that reassurance that I got to the place I was REALLY meant to be in, that I knew there was something better destined for me, I wasn't supposed to just ‘work to live’.

I dont think we have it in us to just do ‘the simple life’. How wonderfully annoying this is, because having a simple life would indeed be a lot less stressful, but it would certainly be a lot less magical - this is why its so hard to obtain but we refuse to live without it. It steers us to a path that is stressful yet so for filling. Dont get me started on job hunting in an academic world. Creative jobs are nearly always seen as ‘unrealistic’ and the world tries to suck you in into the office / mundane jobs of life that are easy to obtain and you can stay in for years and years and years because you will always need to pay the bills. Its a inner battle with yourself - what you want, and what is easy. Just seeing the words ‘Company’ / Insurance / Admin just sucks the life out of me. Its because I JUST. DONT. CARE. I dont care about these kinds of jobs, I don't care if I never progress in them, I don't care if Im crap at them. Because I just don't give a shit about them and I hate not giving a shit!. I want to love what I do, I want to be skilled and I want to care. I want to be used. But unfortunately the jobs that will for fill you are like hidden gems and very rare. This is another temptation to just let it all go. But I cant. Imagine a world where you Google jobs and it gives endless artistic options and not academic crap where you don't actually understand the job description and you don't have to pretend to be ‘one of them’ and you don't end up re evaluating your whole life! haha. I would love to see a load of academics / uncreatives apply for things like drawing, painting, singing, acting or sculpting when they know they have no interest or skill for it whatsoever but they have to force themselves to do it just to pay their way in life!. THIS is what its like! This isn't to say that you need to get a job related to your craft, just doing it as a hobby can be enough to get the fix in you. Its hard to figure all this stuff out, and which direction you should take. I also find not being around creative people is so hard. Being around creative people that understand, that encourage you and push you, its like we are all so supportive of each other and understand the struggles. We can look at things and dissect whats awesome about it and talk for ages. I always say that being around creatives ‘Feels like home’. I miss this so much and its almost like the creative part of me gets sucked out of me when Im not around my ‘fellow creatives’. Its like they say being around negative people makes you feel negative - this works in the same respect when it comes to creative people - they make you thrive!. But what ever your art may be... It is your freedom, it is your voice, it is your expression. It is so personal and unique to you - its important. It makes the world beautiful, more interesting and way more enjoyable and exciting. The arts are everything good about life and we would be lost without them. It is a huge part of what makes you you, don't let that go, even though it can be the most annoying thing about you. Show the whole world what you have and don't stop, regardless of the constant battles having it will throw at you. Im a hypocrite for saying this, and I should say it to myself - Don't give up. It may take years and years of sacrifice, being poor, not having your own place or car haha!. But good things take time. Don't give up on you. I like to think and hope that if you keep working at it, it will repay you in some way, whether this means in a job or just a personal achievement. I hope i am right about this =).  (Id also like to say that being talented in something is VERY sexy ;P) Be back soon Jay Monster.

[monsterloveday]

This judging on childless women is really grating on me.

This is pissing me off. So I will write. Now this isn't something that is new to me, nor is it an attack towards mothers. (Quite frankly I think good mothers and fathers are heroes for everything that they do, I mean look at pregnancy and childbirth - absolute respect to women that chose endure it). It is expressing my disappointment in narrow minded human beings, once more. Even as a child, through to my teens, twenties and up until now, I have said I didn't want to have kids. You would like to think in this day and age that people could swallow that and understand this, accept and move on?. No darling. No.

In the recent months I have received the most interesting remarks when they hear of this. Things like “Everyone HAS to do it” (um?...does everyone with a vagina sign a ‘must have children’ contract at birth?), I have received facial expressions that suggest “your a weirdo” or “I pitty you”. I have been told “You are just being negative” - (this is probably the most insulting one yet) or the most annoying - “You'll change your mind” or “its because you haven't met anyone” - so now my single status is seen as the reason to my ‘deluded’ decision?, like single people are out of their minds until someone comes along?...oh dear. Single people - we cant possibly make our own decisions, can we? Now how would this go down if every women that stated she wanted children, a childless woman says “Hopefully you'll change your mind” or “you just haven't met the right person that will make you so for filled that children wont cross your mind” rude, no?. I have found it quite frightening the way that some people have reacted, they question my reasons why, looking absolutely baffled and simply do not understand and come to the worst and negative conclusions about me, perhaps that Im heartless or that I will want them as soon as Im in a relationship. I also wonder what the reaction would be if a guy said he didn't want kids?. But I think fear is what comes down to it - people are terrified of people that dare to be different. Now, if for some reason my personality completely changes, maybe one day I may want to adopt - perhaps in the future (but that is for ME to say). But it is so frustrating when you simply can not be heard. No matter what you say, someone will come back with something that suggests you are wrong or that things will change, that they do not accept it. Or maybe?, I just don't want them and it is as simple as that?, that Im not weird, or child hating or a monster, that I simply do not have the desire to do it? and that that is still perfectly acceptable? Surely it would be worse for me to have kids knowing I have never wanted them?, that I wouldn't be able to give the love and care that it needs in comparison to someone that actually wants them and has always desired to become a parent?! What would the response be if I said “Yeah Ive got kids but I never wanted them and wish I hadn't done it” - I would also, be judged negatively.

Why is there such a forceful attitude when it comes to females reproducing?

True - some people do change their minds and have unplanned kids but come to adore them etc and that is perfectly fine. It is also fine to want kids, it is also fine to not want kids - without judgement, without opposing, without nasty words. After all we are in 2017, surely the world is different now, shouldn't our attitudes follow?  Not every person on the planet is made to reproduce, it is not always a natural ‘given’ that we will be spectacular parents, it is not for everyone and surely that is not that unusual?. Isn't it better to be true to yourself - no matter who you are? With how many different options there are in life, wouldn't you say its normal and more interesting for people to go in different directions?, instead of everyone choosing the one path that is reproduction?. Some people put all of their love and time into work, into travel, into their pets, into their talent - in which these things are their ‘babies’. “But what if you regret it later on in life” is another. Again, if this was the other way around and new parents were asked this question, it would be seen as rude wouldn't it?! “What if you regret not being able to go out freely / do what you want etc” Whats more, I would no way handle pregnancy and childbirth, if someone turns on ‘One born every Minute’ I try not to have a panic attack and immediately want to cement shut my vagina. I would not enjoy it. I would not handle it. I would hate it. I would just not cope with that shit. I do not think going through the worst pain ever is beautiful (nor does my vagina). I just don't want to put myself through that ok?. It doesn't mean Im this or that - I just don't want to do it and even fear it. Plus - I don't really like humans, I don't really want to make more, the world is also not a very nice place to bring more people into it that didn't even ask to be. Cant people just do what the fuck they want and everyone just shut up about it?. Everyone is of value, whether they have children or not, people with children are no higher in value than those without and life can be completely for filling with or without children. I am worthy, I am for filled and my life choices are best for me. Is that so hard to understand? Sorry not sorry for my empty womb. Deal with it. Be back soon Jay Monster

[monsterloveday]

50 shades of Jay

Am I the one who isn't that bothered about sex? A few girl friends I know have said that they also think it is overrated. Funny that. Am I strange person because I think kissing is actually way more intimate? Give me a hugging and eating face session with pizza over porking anyday... in actual fact ill just take the pizza. Im just not one of those people who can act all sexy, with the facial expressions (Im pretty sure I look constipated or that I have just shat myself) and oh my lord if anyone asked me to talk dirty the best I could muster would probably be something about taking a wee without washing my hands (Please note I do actually practice hand washing).

Then theres the heavy breathing and Im wondering if my breath stinks. Im thinking about how many of my chins they can see, how my belly is wobbling and will probably make water bottle jiggling sounds - oh lord the opposite of getting a boner. And seeing my boobs bouncing up and down like that for me just makes me look at them in disgust and fear this act will contribute to their inevitable future saggyness, its like NO NO DONT MAKE THEM MOVE!. Don't get me started on the boob farts, or the need to actually fart - lets face it, I imagine many of you have needed to say “Stop for a sec” just so you don't drop a stink bomb.

And all this ‘Spontaneous sex’ is one massive pile of crap - especially for girls. So, lets imagine getting it on without previous notice - my armpits, legs, flange will represent a jungle because hell am I going to shave those areas for no god damn reason, do you REALISE the hell that is shaving rash and itchiness?! - don't get me started on the red spots and ingrowing hairs, and for what? no visitors whatsoever! nah man Im oK thanks that shit can grow!

Every other crevice of my body will also not have been monitored for plucking, bleaching, shaving or general hair removal (yes fellas we girls have to get rid of WAY more than you realise and it can take HOURS - well probably only hours for me because I am a yeti for a female). Without this ritual theres no way Im randomly bearing all!  Wana caress my body?, I will feel like sand paper or that all of my body is one huge beard - that do anything for ya?. This is what porking me spontaneously feels like darling! Oh wait - you must make sure your hair is clean - no one wants to run their hands through greasy hair. And all for it to get matted and tangled for the lovely ‘sex hair’ afterwards. Oh my lord make sure you pop to the loo beforehand to ‘freshen up; (lets just take a moment to imagine what a female trying to position her flange and bum over a tiny bathroom sink looks like and ‘splashing water up there’ so it doesnt stink. And make sure you take out any panty liners that are in your knickers because having your undies sitting on the floor with your most likely dirty panty liner showing itself is a big fat NO. Had a poo recently? I hope not, because the sewer is waaayy to close to the park darling! Better hold that in or do it with plenty of hours beforehand with a wash before the spontaneous ‘deed’. Got any protection that you carry around daily? I hope so because no sausage is going in there bare just for the sake of ‘being in the moment!’. I also hope for the love of god I haven't got long toenails. I hope for the love of god HE hasn't got long toenails. Vomit train choo choo!. Lets hope Im not about to come on, sex when on? NAH. Spontaneity my ass!  Now. You are probably thinking... “Man she shares wayy to much” - truth is ugly Im afraid and we have ALL been there!. Its so much better to laugh at these truths than to pretend its something its not!. LAUGH - it makes life easier. You are also probably thinking that I haven't been with the right guys, or maybe I should even try girls ;p that Im obviously having really crap sex - maybe. But honestly I just cant be assed with all this prep and for something that I probably wont even I have a orgasm over - would YOU train for a marathon just to go for a walk?. ;P *Looks up at ceiling* - ‘Hurry up and finish, hurry up and finish’, and all for you to feel the wrath after - for the next few days, you better walk and sit down very slowly ladies (ouch), buts its ok! because it felt great for HIM!. Oh your period hasn't come? lets the worrying for weeks begin! and the more you worry, the more prolonged your period will be! and the more delayed your period is, the longer.... you get the gist.

Then theres the whole texting / online dating bullshit. No darling, sending me a picture of you naked does not mean you have earned the right to see some of me in return (you bloody wish mate!) it will also not cause a tsunami in my knickers sending a sudden desire within me to have sex with you. Seeing a angry looking penis doesn't turn me on love. In general genitals are so ugly, lets just pretend they arnt there until we really have to use them. With this being said, Im am extremely picky when it comes to who gets to visit my little friend in my knickers and hell do they need to earn that shit. Otherwise its just not worth it in my opinion. For now, Im rather enjoying my cobwebs. Let them stay! =) Be back soon Jay Monster 

[monsterloveday]

Dating is just as enjoyable as explosive diarrhoea.

This will make you laugh. My pathetic failings will make you feel awesome. Man they are good stories to tell. There I was, the 26 year old Jay, feeling lame and inexperienced due to never having gone on a date and really wanting to try it out to ‘cross it off the list’... what a pile of wank. I’d tell her to stay home and eat, I’d tell her to spend that 50 or so quid and spend it on something more useful than trying to impress a guy who she most likely didn't give a crap about. And for the love of god DONT shave - DO NOT WASTE HOURS OF YOUR TIME JUST TO END IN NOT GETTING PORKED AND TO ITCH CONSTANTLY AND GET RASH FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

Why do we do this to ourselves? - who thought meeting a stranger and feeling like you're in a job interview would actually go well? 

Actually maybe we should do it more like it were a job interview - it would certainly save time... *Girl* “Are you a dick?” *Boy* Yes, after I have learned that you wont just fuck me, i’ll piss off and move into the next fanny and will probably forget your whole existence, wait, whats your name again babe?” *Girl* - Thank you for applying, if you do not hear anything, it means you have not been successful”.... AAANDDD leaves. And then theres the trying on numerous outfits / buying brand new clothes to feel sexy and try them all on - with optional shoes and bags and sending all these options via Whatsapp to your mates and making sure you wear good make up but not too much make up, but make up that looks like make up but natural at the same time bla bla blaaaaaa. Surely someone has to earn the right to this shit? - not someone totally random who wont even buy me a drink?!. And whats more - with every date that is bad, you end up totally evaluating your whole love life and go into the major “Woeist MEEE! I am going to be alone forever’ WHERE IST THOU HUSBAND?!” and wanting to eat your body weight in ice cream until you somehow master the courage to do it all again with some other guy who is also “not the one”.  So we have, lets say his name was ‘Dave’. Dave was clearly very shy (my loud ass does NOT do shy guys). His inexperience was very clear, if there were a ten minute gap or so of me not replying to his texts, I’d receive a text from his relative telling me to hurry up and text him back. Oh lord. Why didn't I run for the hills at this point? He wouldn't make any decisions as to where we should go and wanted me to take the lead (urgh, my flange does shut very tightly), so I tell him he could take me anywhere as long as it was quiet so we could hear each other speak and that we could get some cocktails, (after our previous conversation of how much we liked them). His MUM drops him off to our meeting place - a nightclub. A nightclub where coincidentally his mates are. And the first thing he does is look at he prices of cocktails, states he's not getting any due to the expense. So he asks me what else I want, I tell him vodka and coke, he comes back moaning how expensive that was. Bet it wasn't as expensive as my taxis here and back to you love, but Im not being a little bitch about it!. I took turns in getting drinks (I usually do anyway) just to shut this one up.

Inevitably the conversation is pointless as we cant hear each other. (shock!) Knowing this was a failure, I drink enough and start talking of my bingo wings and how my arm fat needs to come off and wobble it in display. I tell him I'm going to get a taxi, so he goes to meet his mates (oh wow didn't see that coming!). To my surprise I still got texts from him the next day. Fail. Then theres Glenn, the guy who looked like a nice chunky bearded lumberjack online, who turned out to be the campiest guy who’s voice was higher than mine and probably weighed about 6 stone and turned out to be a proper hard core man hating feminist. He speaks of how he gets all his girlfriends massive dildos to avoid them cheating on him with actual human men. He is mouthy to a bar man he doesn't like for no reason and demands we go somewhere else.  When he eventually leaves for his train (after hinting and pleading he come back to mine - fucks sake) he asks me out right yet nervously “so um are we going to kiss now?”, I say no and that I don't kiss on first dates, which then leads to him pushing me into a dark corridor at the train station, pinning me against a wall and trying to force it on me - what a true feminist!. On my journey home I get a multitude of apologetic texts stating he acted like everything he hates. Wow. Fail. Another was with a teacher who also had the high pitched voice of a 6 year old girl and had made as much effort as you do for a duvet day - a crinkled T shirt with jeans that dragged on the floor with holes, I smell no cologne nor had his hair been touched. I feel like a right knob when Im dressed up wearing a very flattering top, perfume, hair and make up agonised over. We do a pub quiz in which he regularly “Sssshhhhes” me angrily and tells me Im getting too excited and that the other people will hear me saying the answers. He tells me he hates people who have a problem with his smoking, knowing he stated he is a non smoker on his profile. =| I watch him have a better time with his cigarette then with me. I last an hour and beg for my sisters boyfriend to come and save me. Fail. Hal was the best one. Hal slags off his date from the day before and informs me of his upcoming date for the following day =|. He buys a packet of crisps for us ‘to share’ and chomps on them without offering me one and then tips the packet into his mouth. After telling me previously he knows exactly where he's taking me, we walk around in Bristol with his sat nav, getting nowhere fast. He kindly likes to remind me of when its my round - usually as soon as he has finished his drink. (it may be ‘my round’ darling but its a hell no to you telling me so!) He tells me how he has been in prison for drug dealing and asks me what drugs I do. =| ( erm energy drinks with vodka?) After a few drinks I tell him I don't need another after his offerings, as I am getting tiddley, with this he comes back with come cheesy chips to help me ‘pace out’ - I think, wow he could redeem himself with buying me food! He asks me if I like hot sauce - I tell him no. He then pours hot sauce all over them but thinks this is ok because he also puts ketchup and mayonnaise on them (as these are the ones I state I like). He mixes them all onto one big gooey, disgusting concoction. He devours them like he has never been fed until he gets down to the last one. This one has  managed to escape the sauce, I tell him he can have it... Now, along with everything else Ive already mentioned, Id also like to mention that later on this guy had been drunkenly looking at my chest, telling me “I just want to have sex with you”, he tried to convince me not to take my last train home and to stay at his. But THIS is what takes the biscuit... He eats the last chip. THE LAST CHIP.  HE FUCKING EATS IT!? WHO DOES THAT?....WHO?!. This is when you know someone is truly a fucking asshole. Mega fail. Chris insisted we go on a date again and again and again. After weeks of convincing I give in, he says he will take me out to dinner - on the day of the date, he randomly goes quiet and nothing happens.  Oh ok then!. The next day he drives past me and texts me asking if I want a lift to work. Um no I fucking don't douche bag!. Fail. Kieran. My first actual good date. We even have a nice kiss (even though I dont usually do this but the moment was there) and he says he could actually stay up all night with me talking, that Im the only girl he doesn't just want to have sex with, that he is attracted to me but Im also like a mate to him - good things to say right? Wrong. After the second date (that I asked him to I may add), he tells me hes not used to girls not having sex with him and ditches. Needless to say this didn't give me a wide on. Fail. Now I know what your thinking, that Im a poor judge of character, that not all men are like this and I have been dating men who are clearly twats, some of this is true, but the whole point of dating is to get to know someone and the only way to find out if they are a dick is to go on a date with them, so some responsibility I shan't take! I havent dated for a few years now and Im not planning on trying again anytime soon, regardless of how horrendous they were, Im still actually glad that I have given dating a go and have indeed ‘ticked it off the list’. I do imagine that maybe someone out there in the universe has experienced a good date - who ever you are, where ever you are hiding - I salute you, to the rest of us poor bastards - we are brave souls.  Until I can be assed again, I will continue to date myself and not shave, stuff my face and not have to explain politely why I wont fuck a random stranger on a first date - call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the whole ‘Just talking to each other” thing and I do melt if a man acts like a gentleman. I love that shit! Romance is dead my friends, but so is dating!. Be back soon Jay Monster 

[monsterloveday]

Body - I love you?, I love you not?

Your probably thinking what Im about to to say has all been said before to “Love and accept ourself and bla bla” yes?. Kinda, this is such a confusing issue for me.  

The ongoing dilemma within myself - do I hate or like my body? (notice how I cant say Love?).

Do I throw in the “I must be thin to be attractive / feel confident” towel and accept I will always be a chubber who likes her food (I most defiantly fall in love by my belly being filled) or try to adjust to a smaller, probably healthier version of myself who is always in the ongoing “Cant eat that...or that...or that” battle for the rest of my life? (please be aware that I gain weight by just sniffing chocolate and have to exercise for about three years to burn off a packet of 80 calorie quavers - I do workout a LOT...but I also eat a lot too haha!).

Both options seem to be one extreme to another and very, well, hard to obtain. Hense my utter confusion. Some days, I think to myself “Yep, I quite like my fat ass and thick thighs” and that now Im in my thirties things will slow down and I will just have to like a bigger version of me. Whereas some days (most days I may like to add) that I dont dare undress unfront of a mirror, looks up at the celiing when showering to avoid looking down at the dreaded stretchmarked over hanging belly of shame and will not ever go clothes shopping in order to avoid the inevitable depressed state of self when leaving the now ‘skinny girl shops’. **cries and goes into Cornish Bakehouse**

And then theres the looking back through old pictures of yourself - when you weren't actually fat (but even at that time you thought you were) and just feel this overpowering feeling of how you have let yourself down. (let yourself down?...or are just a human?!). WHY do we do this to ourselves?.

I have even gone as far and have stopped going out and dating as I believe I will never ever be able to show a male my now three stone heavier body - to the point where a guy I had my eye on for ages asked me out and I couldn't bare to oblige to his offers. Which lead me to realise - how much I let my weight control my life?!

Christ! - how actually horrible we can treat ourselves, right?. 

I absolutely stand by the message that we should love ourselves no matter what shape we are, I look at bigger and thinner bodies of males and females and think “damn they look FIT / STUNNING” yet when it comes to myself I seem to get all mixed up about it. Im the biggest hypocrite to see others like this but not towards myself, its a very confusing practice.  

But is it exactly that? - Practice. Maybe we have to learn / practice to accept that we don't have like everything about ourselves and that is STILL ok. I personally would never be able to love everything about myself  - this in itself seems a unrealistic task. I could try and put on this “I love everything about my body!, even my 50 chins and cottage cheese looking thighs!” but for me this is kinda kidding myself. (Kudos to the people who can do this!) My weight changes like the weather and it has only been recently that Im thinking that that is actually ok - could I ever stay the same weight throughout my whole life?, No. Can I always be in control and on top of things?. No. And Im going to tell myself that that is how it is for me. That my body is a reflection of what Im going through. It is my vessel that tells my story - I will no longer expect it to be a slim size 12 when life is throwing shit at me. My dad passed away last July and I ate my way through it, I have put on about three stone and even though we are nearly coming up to a year since his death, I haven't shredded any of the weight and am still gaining. 

Have I been beating myself up endlessly? - yes. Have I been too embarrassed to see old friends because Im thinking that they are thinking “wow she's got fat” - yes. Well fuck this. Yes I am bigger - fat is not a crime, it is not wrong and I will try so hard not to be afraid of being bigger anymore. Yes my body looks a way I don't want it to, but hopefully one day I will be stronger to adjust - but Im just not there yet - and that is OK. That it is temporary and I should learn to like each version of myself. For bigger, for smaller, for sad and for happy. I mean bloody hell, things are only going to get saggier right?, so what is the actual point in looking back at your 22 year old self and wondering what happened. Life happened - age happened. And I have to learn to deal with it.

 Im not going to try and conform to look like a girl when I am a woman. I know I will still have days where I hate how I look and days when I think “I look ok today!” and hope one day I get to a place where I truly embrace my flaws and accept them for what they are.

Until that day comes, Ill keep trying to not be afraid of what my body is, but to also know that I am not just my body, I am a personality, I am a good sense of humour, I am giving, I am loveable and worth happiness, that my size doesn't define my worth. Please join me in trying to believe this about ourselves Much love to your bones, curves, fat, muscles, squidgy and firm bits and your beautiful personas. I probably would pork you all. You don't have to be happy about everything in order to be happy. Be back soon. Jay Monster

[monsterloveday]

Singlecitis.

Singlecitis. My fellow singletons, I need to let you know the truth of our community. We are diseased. We all have those warts all over us to warn healthy beings to steer clear. We are the unwanted, broken type of human that is unworthy. Remember that no one is for-filled in life until they are married or at least glued to another. How do we possibly manage to make our own dinners AND find happiness ALONE?!. We must always try and ‘get to THEIR level’ and to be ‘fixed’. “Aw you’ll find someone!” / “Why are you still single?” / You must be desperate (um I think 8 years of independence is actually opposite to being desperate thanks!) / too picky / It will come when you least expect it/ one day you'll get there!”. These are the regular things said to us should be reminders that singleness is indeed a fault in OURSELVES because being single should simpley NOT be an option, because quite frankly, we are only single because life put that on us, not because we CHOOSE to be. Right? And the older you are as a single person, the more you should give up and feel ashamed. Ok so the sarcasm is over but this is a topic that I feel should be spoken of. Of course not all people in relationships look their nose down on us singletons, but they seem to be very close to my vicinity - maybe its just my hometown, or maybe some people are just ass holes?. I chose the latter.

8 years of single life for me and let me share some things with you, I am a happy person, granted my anxiety and depression is crippling but who doesn't have that kind of bullshit to deal with?. Anyway yes I am a human being and sometimes desire to he held, kissed etc etc. But being single shouldn't be this type of shame that is so often put on us. Sometimes there is no reason or rhyme as to why someone is single, perhaps they enjoy it (well how could that EVER happen?! ;p) and sometimes, it simply hasn't happened. Our whole existence shouldn't be based on finding someone and fighting against the ‘clock’. Love is not owed nor is it guaranteed, so its best to find a way to enjoy life on your own as ultimately - this is the strongest and most important relationship we should build our lives upon. Thats not to say people in relationships are weak and feeble - not at all, if I found the right person and I mean truly the RIGHT person I would too commit, but Its so tiring for it to be assumed that we are single and that in itself is wrong and there must be something we are doing wrong to prevent it from happening. i.e - you don't look hard enough / get out there enough.

Single life has taught me the most valuable lessons, I have been glad of it, sad because of it, I have became extremely strong because of it and I do not rely on anyone but myself. And it feels very liberating, sometimes lonely, powerful and incredibly for filling. The kind of peace and serenity I have experienced in my own company has felt so empowering, and I am so glad and proud of my single life. It has blessed me and has contributed to the build up of my personality and I can say (without trying to sound too bigheaded) that I bloody love my wacky personality.

To be told “You should get married and have kids” to a single person is just as rude as a single saying to a married person with kids “You should get divorced and shouldn't have had children as single life is amazing”. Rudeness works both ways and I just wish more people acknowledged and understood this. What ever your martial status - we are all of value, individually. My fellow singletons, stay awesome, we are golden and we are worthy. =)

(Mika “We are not what you think we are!, we are golden! We are GOLDEN!”- Love him) Most importantly - we are free.

Be back soon Jay Monster

[monsterloveday]

All those married men are fit.

I am here to share with you the annoyance of being single in your thirties... One of the strongest and significant factors...EVERYONE IS RUDDY MARRIED. Gone are the days where you can eye someone up with the possibility of actually having a chance with them, if they are to like you back of course, which is very rare if you have as much back fat as I. The reality now of course, is knowing the likelihood of the person you are eyeing up is married, with kids, and most definitely NOT single. Which leaves you perverting on most, ever so quietly, knowing this wanting of yours is a thing you deal with alone (take from that whichever you wish you cheeky bastards ;P). Men you are attracted to are now forbidden treasures belonging to someone else (damn you all! =p). Daily life... ”He is hot”...OH WAIT there’s his girlfriend. Is that guy looking at me?...*little toddler grabs his hand*...Oh. Omg look at that blonde....Oh fuck he's buying condoms with his wife - who in fact looks like a rats arse” (although I don't know whats worse if they are ugly or pure fit as hell, either way - Im not bitter =p). Dont even get me started on places like Ikea and supermarkets - the couples will depress, annoy and leave you in self pity. Oh and dont forget the continuous reminders on facebook that you are pretty much still on the shelf while the world around you is all loved up, getting their own houses, getting married and porking. I’ll just stay back here eating my body weight in junk food, letting my leg hair grow whilts watching Greys anatomy, crying. =p Being in your thirties is an awkward age frame to be in, people younger than you are mostly too young and are still wanting to pork around with the mentality of a horny teenager, whereas the older generation are, as mentioned before - taken and very much cemented into “cant touch this’ zones. It is also problematic when you are attracted to MEN who have their shit together, usually the grey haired kind for me, you know the Dad and Husband types?...YEAH. =|

But this very often leaves you hooking up / open to the younger ones, as these are the only ones on offer, which for me is not ideal, regardless of my childish and immature being, my kid like face also only attracts - little boys. Fuck. Perhaps I should walk around wearing a suit and a briefcase to show Im all so grown up and in my thirties thinking Im superior to most because Im an adult with a mortgage and an office you know? Clearly this is not an option for me. (probably because I dont have a mortgage, a suit, briefcase or work in an office).

BUT WAIT!!! THERES STILL HOPE! - you can wait for all the divorcees in about 5 - 10 years time and take on their children....um?... I haven't had a relationship for years I would just like a boyfriend to go on dates with- not a friking family!? and whats more - someone else's?!. Nah. Not for me. Kudos to those who do, I cant do that kind thing because being single so long has made me selfish. I share nothing - not even my flange. I have made it a one man flange - for a man that may not actually exist. Fuck. HANG ON! - its ok! even if you just fancy a little eating face session with someone, you can gather all your girls who are all in relationships / married and go out on the.....wait. Fuck.

Dont get me wrong, oh hell have I learned to love myself, I am friking awesome - incredibly annoying - but awesome. I would like to think Im a rare breed, (wait if you were so friking awesome why hasn't someone bagged your ass? Is this self talk just in denial trying to make yourself feel better for your cobwebbed flange? - no fuck you, head! I am friking awesome and my flange is GOLD I TELL YE!). Oh... but yeah I am loving my self and what single life has taught me, but just because I wouldn't mind having a GOOD AGED MALE wanting to pork me now and again doesn't make me this insecure needy female. it makes me quite human, all you regular sexed pricks out there! (hello!, I said Im NOT bitter!). Maybe Im single because I do things like fart out loud in my Pilates class in front of the fit men? Why am I so ME?!. And then theres the sex thing - at least I will remain nice and tight because your flange does when you don't use it...right? - wait this also means I will be proper shit at sex - I will totally be like a star fish laying there doing nothing and wondering what the hell this feeling is again, wondering if all my body is shaved, the typical  “wait..did I pluck those out?, lets hope he doesn't feel them” and hoping my flange doesn't smell (ALL GIRLS DO THIS SO SHHH BEFORE YOU JUDGE) and internally cringing at the inevitable belly wobbling that occurs. How graphic it is. Belly is most definitely going to get ya. Ive tried dating a few times and all of them I would have preferred staying at home with explosive diarrhoea. This in itself is another blog (ow yes yes!). All in all. Its annoying. Really annoying, but don't worry, there will be someone married / never been single for 2 seconds to tell you its not so bad.

Pizza it is, once more. Be back soon. Jay Monster