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gothic-gnosis · 2 years

Text

december 6th 2021

i'm trying to release two people at once. i made the pain 2 times worse.

i dont think he ever wanted me .

i think he mightve just played with my feelings.

i wish he'd talk to me but i dont think ill ever receive closure unless i let him go. i have to pretend he never happened.

i'm on the second day of not checking twitter. its so tempting.

i'm still talking to one of his old mods. i think they talk now. he never responds to me when judas is streaming. he doesnt rlly respond to me at all now. i think im officially in the part of the healing process where i'm Alone.

lindsey doesnt talk to me. i dropped dale. i pretty much had to drop david even though i'm throughly obsessed and he's my fp. i know ill be okay, i know im lovable, i know im enough but holy shit i feel fucking empty.

i know in time itll stop hurting. i know ill survive. it just burns so fucking bad. i know he thought i was pretty, he told me he didnt think i was irritating but fuck. he told me he hates commitment, i didnt even wanna date him, ive had fps who stayed friends and that doesnt fucking FEEL GOOD. IM THE ONE WHO GOT OBSESSED, ITS ALL MY FAULT.

the worst part is that he knows. i know i only told him surface level things but holy shit dude. he fucking knows. he knows. he knows hes the one i want validation from, he knows i literally crave telling him everything and he doesnt want that, i know he doesnt but . it hurts so bad not being able to be like. can i have attention pls.

i even flexed how pretty i am over facetime like what a SIMP bruh, u wanted him to call u pretty so bad u facetimed him?? AND THEN HE FACETIMED ME BACK CAUSE HE WAS PLAYING LEAGUE LIKE AAAAAAAA. HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

but now he doesn't. i broke my own heart. im so tired of feeling like nobody cares about me. im so tired of feeling this way, im so tired of dumping everything on people and getting nothing or dumping trauma because i need help and getting FUCKED im so tired of being told "you can talk to me" but i cant even get a text back a majorityof the time like i know i cant expect my friends to be therapists 24/7 but FUCK dude i hate myself. tomorrow ill wake up and pretend to be okay again. tomorrow ill wake up and all ill think about is him . my suicide will be my own fault. i did this to myself. nobody will ever know how i feel. tumblr really is my own escape from it . one day ill look at these entries and laugh but right now it fucking burns.

ok. but i kinda forgot how shitty the situation with vista was. i was groomed when i was 15 by a man in his 20s who LIKELY had bpd/attachment issues. pretty girl who sends u kinda spicy photos but then u find out shes underage and shes basically been sending u child porn and FOR SOME REASON?? KEEP TALKING TO HER?? DISGUSTING?? MAYBE TELL HER TO BE MORE CAREFUL ABOUT PEOPLE ONLINE AND LET HER DOWN GENTLELY. IM LITERALLY THE AGE HE WAS WHEN WE WERE DATING NOW AND ID NEVER CONSIDER DATING A 15 YEAR OLD BOY. WHO IS VERY CLEARLY 15. LIKE BRACES AND EVERYTHING.

you ever smoke weed and get rlly sucked into music. i love slipknot. i tried rlly hard to like them and i rlly do. vermillion pt 2 makes me so sad. unrequited love in gothic/alt literature spaces is so insane. like.. lyrics, poetry and music is so much more painful than actual heartbreak. the one person i love and it never happens, imagine a pain where the "one who got away" exists. i never did anything wrong or anything, it was just not what he rlly wanted. that feels pretty bad.

it just ocurred to me that he didnt like me as much as i thought he did.

suspended in dusk is so good. a vampire who watches everyone he loves DIE and then having to succ other ppl to death and never feel love. dam. but peter hates on october so much. i LOVE october. shes my birthday. but not tho shhh . i love being a goth girl uwu

kiss is so good too. only rock and roll over tho. and dynasty. and the self titled album. any band with a self titled album deserves nothing but short skirts.

i think david only wanted to fuck me cause he fucks everybody. i know hes polyamorus. tbh after listening to people In poly relationships, its not that bad. we're dating and hanging out? cool. we both wanna get fucked by other ppl? cool, whatever, just dont catch feelings for another girl and pls dont raw anybody ty. and communicate, its not that fucking hard. if You dont want it, i wont do it but im not entirely against the idea. plus my brothers in one so like :P

i dont think david wants me though. i dream of him every night.

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