#if its incomprehensible its because its 2 am here and im just rambling

[tara-the-star]

elodie and jean moreau thoughts

when jean left home, he never got to say goodbye to her, he left thinking elodie would hate him for no longer protecting her from their parents' abuse. she was ten at the time and jean was convinced he was leaving her to face hell alone.

jean tried to fight against riko and tetsuji's abuse, perhaps clinging on to the hope that one day, one day he might just get to see elodie again. but of course, he could hold on to that distant memory for only so long. so he put his head down, he gave up any hope he had and accepted whatever the nest had in store for him. he buried all his memories of marseille, concluding that they should remain in that past, whether good or bad. It wasn't like ravens were allowed to have families anymore.

except

jean left the nest. his memories stayed buried after years of repression, but for how long? eventually when he did start remembering him, he could feel those memories tainted by the mental scars of his mothers abuse, though the physical marks had long since faded under the remnants of his time at the nest.

it had been so long since jean even saw elodie, he doubted that she was the same girl he had unwillingly left under the questionable care of his father's violent business and mother's unpredictable temper. so jean didn't dare think of reaching out to elodie, fearing that she would hate him for abandoning her.

but that didnt mean he stopped caring for her. when stuart mentioned that his family was going to take the hit in the moriyama's stead, jean only wanted to know what would happen to his sister. and then he found out that she faced the same fate as him, and in his words, that moment felt worse than anything riko had ever inflicted upon him.

and then, just like that, the only person he loved, who loved him back uncondtionally was dead.

his baby sister, a mere child, was dead because jean was unable to protect her from their parents' wrath. at the end of the day, his love couldn't shield her from them because they were moreaus. born to serve. it was written in their fate to exist solely for others. and if they lost their lives in the process, there was nothing they could do about it.

and thats why elodie moreau would never cross the age of twelve, ten in jean's memories, to which her existence was limited to. but the mind is a fickle thing. jean would eventually forget the exact hue of her eyes, the exact sound of her voice, the way she smelled curled up next to him, her favourite colour, and finally, inevitably, her.

#sorry for the long post #elodie is taking up my entire mind #if its incomprehensible its because its 2 am here and im just rambling #tsc spoilers #jean moreau #nora sakavic #the sunshine court #aftg #elodie moreau #all for the game #tsc #the sunshine court spoilers

[xxswagcorexx]

brainrotting about the fallen angels swagdoons so freaking hard but in an incomprehensible way ya know.

also glad to know that bc of me asking you decided to also tell this shit on here because holy moly core this au is absolutely wonderful and there's So much symbolism and by god aren't symbolisms the coolest things ever. just people giving a completely different meaning to things that never had this meaning before.

sorry for ranting lmao

aaaaanyways, what's up with that thing about casino quartet ^-^ is there anything else about the world's worst polycule?

OMG TYSM CHERNY THE BELOVED!!!! omg tysm for letting me ramble abt the fallen angel concept.,… i was torturing my friends too much with it thank u for letting mr be silly on main ^_^ /silly

ALSO IM SO GLAD U LIKE THE SYMBOLISM!!! i love making up made up symbolism fr…its so fun to make order out of chaos and looking closely at things and bring New Life to them i loveeee doing to sm (and i love aus like that in general they make them feel so Alive)

but ya!! i mentioned how it started off as a crack au with casino quartet and uh. (tries to think of a way to describe them without going into the main tags <-scared) let’s ramble about them! ^_^

basically so uh. for a while i thought one of the funniest things ever was to make a mcyt au from the music video lore of this one k-pop group because the idea was so absurd and it was niche enough that people Won’t Know/clock it right away and the idea of being “SURPRISE IT WAS KPOP” was something REALLY funny because i am messed up and evil in the head!!!

but. if i’m being honest. their my aesthetic low key slapped for no reason so as i started thinking about it and whatnot the au just became. its own thing. like you can sorta see bits of The Original Intent in there but its so far removed its basically its own thing so. (if you figured out who i assigned who to who no you dont /silly)

but uh. the lore is Very long and casino quartet only really work with one of the subgroups of the k-pop group so i’m just gonna focus on that one ^_^

basically, their subgroup’s lore is a vaguely based off of a few anesthetic of the bible, more specifically the story of adam and eve and angels escaping eden or whatnot. there’s 4 members, one representing adam, one representing eve, and the last 2 representing angels, with one following adam and eve to escape eden and the one who’s left behind eventually becoming fallen and finding self worth in herself

in the main music video where their Lore is shown, the other angels literally leave one of them out of the loop as they plan to escape eden together—just without the last angel :( and there’s a really sad shot of her looking at all of her friends running out of eden without her. then i another music video we get the other angel looking very sad that she left her friend behind but adam and eve r so smitten with each other that they dont care <- no way it’s clownzy and ash in team chaos i mean WHATTTTT ^_^

anyways. as u can tell. i mostly went “omg casino quartet” at the team chaos parallels and the Betrayal and Making Things Right themes and since their subgroup was Inspired by bible aesthetics, the idea for red being a fallen angel kinda Stuck with me and i (eventually) brainrotted the idea so hard and connecting to more things about fallen angels and whatnot i came across to the point it became its Own Thing. but tbh i really like the idea of ash trying to get red back and whatnot and him being a Fallen Angel as well stuck A Lot

and Also i like the idea of clown and branzy being the more modern interpretations of adam and eve. like someone who’s smitten in love and being willing to bite the apple and fall into sin for that. they’re so ill about each other it could go either way its them fr!!!!

but yeah. thumbs up . thats the Lore reason to why fallen angel ash and red became a thing >_< clownzy is a secret 3rd thing to me when it comes to the fallen angel concept but !!! its awesome maybe ill redraw the mv scenes with them one day….

#casino quartet #tw caps #media.warning.caps #anyways. illness #if u know what i’m talking abt it. no u dont /silly #but maybe. will jumpscare the tag and post the redraw art once i complete it #it would be Very silly i think #anyways ya tysm for the ask!! if u want me to dm u the mv links 2 u….feel free to ask!!! #mailbox.core

[transbebe]

me on my blog that has nothing to do with persona: how can i mention persona here

#anywyas ignore this im just going 2 continue to ramble on abt persona even tho i shouldntdbxjxk #i have a main for This reason but i :( i like talking on this blog i feel like more people see it idk i love my mutuals on here #:( i miss persona i wish i could finish the p5 but... Alas #i also wish i could fuckij play the 3rd one but....... alas............ ps2 mashine broke #everyone Please assume im just thinking abt the p5 soundtrack at all times... and mass destruction....... #and my wife aigis ? #andjsksksk and. Also. someone tell m to shut up abt the masks bc its tje Only thing i can think about ? :/ i hate it #slowly constructing a vague n incomprehensible phantom theif mx au in my head and hm what the fuck #ck gives me... an akira vibe........ smug cat knife picture vibe..... (also fuck u atlus his name is akira. atlus can you do anything right) #fhckfin found family love n justice and shit ufjj #ck drops into his new transfer school after getting (wrongfully) put on probation and being pegged as the delinquent #meets first friend jooheon Also 'school delinquent' but hes rlly got the biggest heart ever?? they bond quickly ans stick together #minhyuk... local talented (and rumored to be rather eccentric) artist under the mentorship of a famous (corrupted) painter #i am... Thinking? hyungwon as an ann sort of like second friend who seemed a little icy at first but quickly warmed up and stuck #WONHO AS HARU OH MY GOD... rich son of a conglomerate w/ suspicious business practices but hes just a sweetheart and wants the best #shownu & kihyun??? hm. #kihyun as morganajsjdkskdkfkdkdk #shownu as makoto... sort of? because shes the Leader u know shes the backbone #well akira is the 'leader' but... queen is. queen is the real leader #unnaproachable school council member??? actually really warm and cute #found family all fighting for each other and growing close #anwyays im gonna be thinking abt this (and wonho in haru's sweater) all day someone tell meto shut up please

[rontra]

Hey Rontra. Sorry is this is too personal, but I was recently diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and even though it didn't tell me anything new per se, I've been trying to wrap my mind around it. Do you have any tips for getting through the transition period?

Hi there friend!Omg yeah getting th diagnosis can be super weird even if it’s not necessarily new information, I totally get what you mean lmao

Even tho it’s personal I don’t rly mind talking about it at all; just remember that this is a suuuuper individual experience and you might not relate to my thoughts on it at all–and that’s okay! I’m happy that you decided to ask for advice, but if mine doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay–and I’m sure there’s other posts out there that can add to this you might relate to more (but I’m on mobile so sadly can’t help much there djfhshs sorry). This kind of advice is hard because everyone’s so different xD ahhhhSpoilers: my tips are very mushy and sentimental ;9

But this DID get long so I’m gonna cut the post fbdbdhdhhs I’m very chatty ;v;

So for context’s sake: I was also diagnosed with autism relatively recently–at 20 years old (am 21 now). While I don’t know how old you are, I’ll assume that you’re an adult or close to it as well–which to me made the diagnosis feel really weird and time-displaced! Like I wasn’t “supposed” to be diagnosed so late, bc it’s “supposed” to be noticed in childhood and thus I’m somehow not “allowed” to relate with other autistic people (obviously, that’s not a correct line of thinking). I felt like, even though it totally makes sense and it’s def the appropriate diagnosis for me, it was weird–definitely difficult to sort of keep up and get my head around it. Everything in hindsight of my life makes 100% sense through this lens, and yet, it felt surreal. Not WRONG; but it was complex.

I think a lot of that stemmed from those two decades of suppressing the traits associated with my autism; things like downplaying or ignoring hypo- and hypersensitive sensory experiences, actively suppressing stims, and expending 90% of my day-to-day energy on just trying to slip “under the radar” in social interaction(let alone do well at it, God forbid). It wasn’t something I did out of conscious self loathing or anything like that; I actually assumed everyone grew up this way, and the world was just supposed to be a fuckin incomprehensible mess of unpleasant sounds and obscure subliminal social cues that people drop just for fun and sometimes things just swirl together into a big mess and you can’t focus and you can’t talk and this is just how the world IS. That we all grow up feeling like aliens and we’re all just pretending. That specific feeling wore off as I grew older and more prone to feeling directly isolated (so now IM the only alien), but the idea that “the world just Is Like This” stuck. It was HUGE to me when I realized that neurotypical people don’t usually relate to that mess. And, more importantly, that all this time-and-energy-consuming self-discipline was suddenly unnecessary, because those things had a reason and they had a meaning and they were mine. That’s weird. It’s good but it’s weird. To take in that those things have patterns and explanations and other people feel them too is overwhelming and beautiful and weird.

It’s weird as hell to feel like some kind of spy in a foreign country trying to blend in with a culture you don’t understand for 20 years, or some kinda alien, an animal in a cage doing tricks for a faceless crowd, only to have that moment where–it’s OKAY and things MAKE SENSE. It’s mine and it’s good and i don’t have to work so hard to be “like them” because I’m not. I can’t be.

I can’t be! Even when people call me (and you) things like “high functioning” it’s measuring my ability to be “like them”–which is something I can’t be. It’s measuring how I function compared to a neurotypical person, and it feels moot, because I’m NOT. It’s a measure of how good I am at pretending to be neurotypical. And guess what: after 20 years, I’m pretty damn good at it! :p

It makes sense, but it’s scary. Because I can finally get to know me, the autistic person–the person I’ve been subconsciously smothering for 20 years. That’s scary, and exciting, and comforting, all at once.

So after all that rambling, here’s one tip: lean into that. Hard. Indulge in something that makes you go “wow, this is pretty autistic” (whatever that might entail for YOU; I get really into obnoxiously elaborate organization systems for my hobby supplies, as one example) and just…let yourself enjoy it. Try a bunch of stim toys if you haven’t had the chance. Find a friend who has an hour or five to spare and tell them about your special interest, if you have one. Explore how you feel when you’re treating yourself to this kind of thing. Feel it all the way through. Take your time to get to know it.

I didn’t really go out and do research and look up more than I already knew–I focused way more on what I was feeling and how this new set of facts interwove with that, that it all made sense and for the first time I was in control of that and could indulge it consciously in a very pleasant way. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time because I’m expending less energy suppressing myself, while simultaneously spending more time being gentle to myself and indulging those autistic traits to bring an overall soothing. I think reviewing your own history and figuring out what makes your autism tick is super helpful in making you comfortable with it–finding what things appeal to you and utilizing those tools fully with the “armor” of your diagnosis. Before, I was often worried because “other people don’t do this” or “doing that is weird”–now, I do these things (stimming, accommodating for my sensory needs, etc) without feeling as bashful about it, because I know now that this is part of my experience with autism. I have that word, I have this diagnosis, and I can use that as my shield against those 20 years of pressure and shame. And if someone thinks my stim or my avoidance of certain touch IS weird–well, that’s their problem, lmfao. I spent 20 years suffering; I’m going to take full advantage of this new flourishing beauty.

To me, this experience isn’t about learning something new (as you said; it’s not new information)–but leaning into it and embracing what was there from the start. If you’re like me and have spent most of your life suppressing these things, indulging them may help you transition through the “whoa” into the “this is good” :p leaning into it HARD was def one of the best things I did hahahaha

another thing I did a lot was just reflection–I’ve spent a lot of time going over my own behaviors, reflecting on the past through this new lens, that kind of thing. I’ve been exploring my own mindset and how my brain works all over again, and connecting the dots to my diagnosis like some huge constellation chart, and it’s one of the most soothing things I’ve ever done. Maybe it’s because I’m big on organization :p Just kind of training myself to apply this new sexy word to it was important to me. To be able to say “oh, I do this thing because autism” or “hey I’m autistic too” and use these terms in a real way helped make the diagnosis and how it applies to me “real” to me as well.

People (neurotypical people, that is) talk to me about “acceptance” and “coming to terms with” and such–and they’re saying the right words but they don’t mean the right thing. They say it like I feel bad about autism. They’re saying it like autism is bad. It’s not. This wasn’t a difficult diagnosis to get–its not really one i struggled to cope with receiving. But they’re right that it is about acceptance, and it is about coming to terms–it’s just a far gentler thing with a different emotional starting point. I was learning from scratch how to take care of myself, with a whole new box of tools and terms to help me; it was flourishing, it was thriving. It was not a scary new disease or some threatening Autism $peaks rhetoric; it was merely understanding, and accepting, and giving myself positive things I’ve been keeping away for too many years.

Step 1 to managing my difficulties is understanding them. Step 2 is being kind.

Upon receiving this diagnosis, things may simply seem to make a lot of sense. Maybe you don’t really feel like it’s a “big deal” the way people around you seem to. It might just be that perfect moment when a puzzle piece clicks into place and it was always meant to be there. That dissonance between other people’s behavior and how you feel might be confusing too (I had this!).

Now, you probably understand things in a new light. It’s a good thing to become closer with yourself. Be nice to yourself and explore your experience of the world with a new light–you don’t necessarily have to do anything huge with that new info, but acknowledging it and naming its root and learning to use it to be kind to yourself in the future is cool. Don’t pretend like it isn’t there; name it, in your head, when you notice a trait in yourself that stems from it. Let yourself know what those things are and what they come from, and make adjustments where necessary to accommodate them. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry.

It’s good. You are good. You have always been good. Thank you.