#if its for me why not tell me ehats on the fucking plan

[finnslay]

I'm so confused with tomorrow

there's a soccer game. I don't know where I go. Only certain kids can go to the media center. You have to have a 504 or IEP. I have a 504. But I don't wanna go to the media center... I wanna be able to sit and watch a soccer game with my friends and partner and make jokes and be freezing on the bleachers and complain about how I should've just not come because this day is pointless

The media center isn't gonna help anyway. I don't understand anything that's happening I'm gonna freak out. The soccer game...well...at least I know what's going on..

I just wanna be like the other highschoolers...I don't want to need special accommodations. I don't want to go into the "backup plan" for the kids who can't handle it...

I'm just gonna he alone when I freak out and they'll all try to help in the wrong way and it's gonna get worse and I'm gonna wanna die before going back to school...it's gonna make me hate myself even more and then im just gonna be miserable all weekend

Because it basically shows in my face that I can't be normal. I can't do fun things like other teens. I just have to sit in another room while the world goes on without me. They don't know how miserable that can make a person feel.

When I do freak out, they're gonna make it worse. Because they think they know how my brain works but they don't. None of them do... I hate when they follow something because "protocol" or some bullshit...because last time they did they tried to drag me into a wheelchair. It's terrifying...

It. Doesn't. Help.

And I don't even know what my 504 plan is...I don't know how it works. Nobody told me.

So basically. They're really fucking good at making someone feel worthless...

#why is it like that #someone shouldve told me what a 5p4 was #if its for me why not tell me ehats on the fucking plan #instead of just shving me into a new place #with 10 times the kid #in less than half the grades #and maybe tell me how its gonna work #instead of just letting me #“figure it out” #because that makrs me hate myself more than i already do.... #amd itakes me think that my brain eill never be good enough for them.... #i should just... #get pushed to the side #and stored away #with all the other broken parts

[tooweirdforyou]

Ahhh. Dont feel sorry, that's okay.

Sure, you can!

Uh.. how long we know each other? Oh dear. Well, we are officially together for about year and half.

But we know each other for a little longer. I think we met (on Tumblr) in autumn 2019.

We confessed to each other (tho.. i was slightly drunk and apparently she confessed many times.. but language barrier got me confused and I thought she meant in friend way 😅😂), but we wanted to make it officially only after we will meet irl, which was supposed to happen in summer 2020 buuut.. well. Covid.

So i beginning of May I referred to her as my gf/significant other infront of my brother.. and i felt realy bad, cause i never got her "yes" on being a thing... So i called her nervously (i had tears in my eyes,.i was terrified) and told her ehat happened. And she said she did same thing few days earlier and that we just might...scratch that. Cause there is a pandemic on loose.. and just get together.

Since then we had several trips planned (especially me - i have relatives in US anyway) but.. Covid jeopardized it all.

Plus its fucking expensive to fly over the ocean for just a few days or smt..

Now she will be in Spain for Thanksgiving, which is the closest we have ever been... But in my country we dont celebrate Thanksgiving. And its in school year and in my quater exam weeks 😔😭 tbh it feels terrible to know i will be SO close to her, but couldnt go. Beside.. father would have to pay (and go.. probably..), as i am still (broke af) student and he has work..

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Hehehee, sorry for the uh.. book almost 😂

Also...not exactly an advice, but staying put and just getting to know each other as friends first realy helped me.

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Cute fact: she is trying to teach my first language and i almost feel sorry for her. It's amongst the hardest language to learn for people speaking in the non-slavic group of languge. But she told me that she is learning on my birthday. And i cried ✌️

oh my god, Levy- that is so freaking sweet and adorable?? 🥺☺️💞 that is honestly so cute, I’m so happy for you!! I’m glad to see you guys are still going strong and I wish you luck on your future together. Hopefully you get to see each other real soon!! <3

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i wish I could have a story like that 😩. The first time I liked someone I met online, we had known each other for a couple years (( now it’s like 4-5 years now, we’re still friends :> )) except she told me how she found someone and was in love with them. I supported her, but mentioned that I actually had feelings for her for a while and it was just really sad :/ she apparently had the same feelings for me but didn’t wanna say anything because she was scared.

I told her it was fine for her to date that person she liked and they did. They broke up a bit later and she texted me, saying how sad she was. But yeah, we’re still friends, but even after that incident, we never dated lol.

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Now for that guy I met on Instagram.. he already has someone he likes, (( another insta person he met online )) and I was honestly a little sad haha. He said that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, only liking her in a friend way but here are a couple reasons why I know he likes her romantically.

1) he was afraid to ask her to have matching pfps, telling me how nervous he was to ask. I supported him of course, giving him confidence and he asked that same day, and he was so happy that said yes.

2) he told me about his dating / romantic life irl and he’s never dated, only having confessions that he rejected because it’s not good for him to date until he’s married. I can only ASSUME that he’s not really in touch with his feelings so he might have feelings for her but not realize it.

3) he is so freaking cute, sweet and so amazing that that girl he ‘likes’ will no doubt like him back soo..

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I know this is just me venting about how pathetic I am to like a guy I met recently (( on Instagram— )) but I’m pretty sure it’s just my loneliness talking lol. I mean, maybe I just think he’s so amazing because he’s talking to me and complimenting me even though we just met? (( and the fact that I don’t get that in real life :’) it’s nice to get some sort of validation or compliment ))

And the fact that I never dated before, all my friends have significant others while I’m just here, wallowing in my pathetic-ness and lonely sorrow because I know no one will like someone like me lol.

anyways, yeah, I’m extremely happy for you levy!! <:

#tooweirdforyou #ochizokulevy #mutuals <3