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tricorops · 7 months

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#1 - *insert some sort of pretentious title *

welcome in ! here’s where everything starts…

i probably should have thought a bit more before starting this entry but alas. here we are ! i guess ill go chronologically so the story makes sense,, if i miss anythinging im positive futrure me will fill in the gaps, but my memory is pretty shit tbh.

Before we ~officially~ start i guess ill introduce myself. i have a name (as does everyone fucking duh) but ive recently realized i dont feel like my name is mine. cant really explan it exaclty right now but in the last couple of months, ive gotten really angry that people call me by name,, whose to know whyy /s. realistically it’s probably due to the fact that im not a woman and haven’t been for many years now. i think im just scared to really admit it ? like i really dont like who i am, i dont fit in, and im so fucking sad all the time but im scared to start exploring my gender identity for who knows what reason. if anyone knows, please enlighten me. im 25, single and have never had a parter, been on one failed date (yikes), and haven’t come out to my parents. big. oof yall. i have a job that is what i thought i wanted to do, but im second guessing it rn since there is so much im not able to address or even attempt to fix. FUN /s

cool intro down i guess. now to the beginning ish ?

my earliest memory is my mom feeling me smashed avocado, but apparently that never happened. im an only child who’s always wated a sibling. my childhood was very lonely. my parents essentially removed themselves from their families, so i didn’t grow up hanging out with cousins, grandparents, aunts/uncles, literally no one besides my 2 parents. the memories i have of my first house are fuzzy, but i feel like there were a lot of rooms for only 3 people. i lived on a quiet street with lots of families with children of different ages, but i dont have any memories of playing with kids on my street or going to anyone’s house for playdates and what not. not sure why.

i remember when i was really little (maybe like 4 or 5 ish??) we went on a trip to disneyland. i think we flew there instead of driving. one of the days my mom was putting my shoes on— they were brown winnie the pooh sandals with buckles at the ankle and i had this weird feeling. it felt like i was in a dream like i was maybe lucid dreamis sort of? and i had this weird oedipus complex for my mom. like i saw how much my dad loved her and i wanted that,, its odd nw that im reflecting on it and i know many people go through this stage of development but like why did 4 year old me think i could love and care for my mom the same way my dad did ?? fucking kid lol. anyway perhaps this is graphic but whatever. i remember i was on the edge of the bed and she was sitting on a chair she pulled up across from me. my foot was between he legs so she could buckle the strap on my shoe and my brain just told me to push my foot closer to her? idk idk. but i push my foot closer to her and like tapped it and i remeber feeling hmm like giddy ? like i was so happy i had done that and then i went to do it again and my mom had like thrown my foot off the chair and started yelling at me. rightfully so like totally not ok for a 4 year old to try and arouse their parent. but in that moment i went from being so fucking giddy and happy and almost proud to feeling so fucking ashamed and unloved. and as she was yelling at me i just cried and cried and i remember just not even wanting to go to disneyland anymore because i didnt want to be around my mom. wild. everything in my little world felt so fucking big that my parent telling me not to do somthing inappropriate made me not want to do the fucking disneyland run anymore.

i dont know what came out of the rest of the day but we Must have gone to disney or soemthing. now, you maay be thinking “oh getting yelled at for doing something made you not do it again” right? wrong. my dumb fucking pea brain wanted to chase that feeling agian so the next fucking day when my shoes were getting put on i tried to do it again. there wasnt any yelling that time though. i just remember my leg getting pushed again, my name being said sharply, and my mom telling me to put my shoes on by myself or to not wear shoes at all. and what do you think little me felt? disppointment, guilt, ashamed. all to be expected but it hit my world hard (again 4 years old. every little thing feels like the world is crashing).

how does this relate to the present? i dont fucking know but i might figure it out along the line. anywho theres other things i remember from this age of my life but they don’t really fit the theme im trying to follow so i wont bore yall with the extra details. didnt think this one would be so long but here we are. i cant wait for the highschool installments bc those are FOR SURE going to make me cry hahahahahahahahaha strap in.

on the dockett for next time: elementary school. probaly around 2nd or 3rd grade. little preview— the first time i was called a lesbian (derogatory) and, upon reflection, my first crush phew 😮‍💨

ps. i know there are probably spelling mistakes and im not following any grammar rules. stream of consciousness yall. cant really blame me plus its uhhh 3 am here so yall are already know whats up.

#hmm #journaling #stream of thoughts #beware: those who read are in for a Ride #or so i think i mean its my life #and yeah i get it im probably super dramatic and these things are fucking miniscule #but WHATEVER #okie gn gn gn

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user010121010-blog · 7 years

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Dear Mykala

I know my words mean nothing and i know why i am a liar i say id stop talking to you and let you live your life . and i dident i did alot of shiesty things and i realize why youve ended it with me im reday to face the facts and to realize your trying to be happy and i shouldent be stopping that so this will be the last of anything from me i will leave you alone and let you life your life I am sorry id just like you to know that way and i get it i really do i was shitty but you decided to deal with it ..we are both broken im sorry it had to be like this im sorry i am the way i am and i think this way i want you to know the time ive spent with you was so perfect for me i know it wasent the same for you but i want you to know youve helped me through so much from the dieabetes to all my issues that you dident have to deal with that i had i thank you for that i appreciate it i appreciate you and thats why im happy youve moved on i know you are so strong deep down and youll be so sucessful no matter what life throws at you mykala your the strongest most elagent woman around im sorry for what i did i was just so heartbroken inside i had no right to do what i did with your private messsages im sorry it was stupid and now ill spend time of my life in jail ill be going in and idk when ill be out but im starting over ...like i should of it ends tonight im sorry mykala i miss your face i remeber everysingle thing weve ever done we went on a ferris wheel and ive never had a more perfect moment when we got that apartment we were so happy making moves i know i couldent handle it but we had eachother we could lean on eachother we smashed right away the same night in the living room i know you probably dont rember im sorry for the abuse and everything i put you through im unstsable im not sad anymore im happy youve found peace with jason im glad he makes you smile im glad you have friends and family that care and provide like i never did i just spent money on drugs youve given me the best friendship i have ever had you treated me like a god but i dident deserve it and i know i dident im a shitty person i wasent dedacatied like you were i swear on everything i never once cheated on you you still were the love of my llife i loved you so much but i know it dident seem that way because of the way i treated you i hope you rember the good times as well mykala and not just the shit bunk times when i was yelling please rember us sitting in the bed before wed go to sleep that might be what i miss the most is having you there ..rember us singing the song its cold outside or listing to quicke so i could try to get you in the mood rember the good times rember our good times too ..rember our cuddles we rarely shared together the kisses and hugs when i first met you it dident take me long to fall in love with you your beautiful eyes your goofiness and how i was broken but you still loved me rember the first time we said we loved eachother it was priceless in the hallway your head went perfectly on my chest and i could smell the top of your head the times id go to wal mart to steal or the first time i got a job us dry humping at my dads after we smoked at cages dads i rember i used to love telling people i gtg a sec my girl is calling or rember the nights when you lived at willow and id always have the window open your mom hated that shit lol i rember the night your mom shot the gun and i wanted to be with you so bad but they made me stay in the room i rember i kept looking in the front room and youd give me a look like its ok im fine i want you to rember the cristmases and holidays with my family they dident do this i did i know there isint anything i can do to mend the wounds and i understand that i hurt somthing beautiful a beautiful tremendus heart that i runied i understand why you dropped me im sorry it went this way i had NO right to do what i did and have done all these years and i want you to know im taking these charges like a man .;...im going to go in and do the time and if they want me on probation ill do it .. ill do what i have to do to finally grow up dont ever ever let somone treat you the way i did your so caring and your always putting somone elses needs before your own im so sorry kayla i ruined you and im sorry for that i know what i did was wrong thsnk you for the fb thing i appreciate it i love looking at the pictures and memories we had i know none of this changes anything and that is fine i understand you needed it to end it was toxic i expent nothing less but resentment from you im sorry it happened you dident deserve anything your poured out your heart and i threw it back in your face ... when i was with you i had the world in my arms none of this pain should have been tolerated by you just please rember the good times too rember my birthday night lol we got caught at willow village you were my light in my tunnel rember eating out with my mom we used to max so much food like monsters rember the goofy times or me trying to grab your booty while you ran up the stairs lol or me scaring you in the shower ...im glad youve moved on i know i was so so toxic but i want you to know im deeply sorry ..im heartbroken but if that means your happy then its ok you dealt with my bullshit for so long i deserve to suffer i need a wake up call and losing you and getting these charges was it thats why im writing this so i can finally take peace in whats happened and learn from it i love you so much mykala im sorry for what ive done for all the pain ive caused to you for nothing im sorry so sorry take care of midnite shes a good kitty sometimes lol ..keep the things ive given you this is my testemant my new chapter youve gotten a little further than me but it will take me years to forget about you and what youve done for me you are perfect you are a soilder and with positive vibes from other people now instead of being drained anymore i love you so much im so sorry it happened this way i just want you to rember because i wont ever forget you i clutch your last valentines bear oswald so tight everynight i just dident want to let you go im sorry i pushed you so far ...i know you were so nice to me not calling th police the instant i contacted you im sorry mykala now live your life and be happy ..be careful..and dont ever let anyone trwat you wrong you deserve the finest and best treat ment around and i mean that goodbye mykala anthony ill always love you and will never forget this chunk of my life ive spent with you thank you ..

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