#idk im upset and frustrated that i dont know and idk if ill ever really know????

[idyllic-affections]

🌻 its cruel of anyone to push someone away from their own culture just cuz they dont fit the "standards" or whatever other shit 💔 ohhh u dont know the language— stfu first of all learning a language is hard. im bilingual and its hard for ME to learn any other language. i had german and spanish in school and i simply could not learn any of them and same goes for any other language i tried to learn on my own!! i learned nothing in the end even tho ive been learning english since first primary, meaning i already should have some experience in learning a new language. but i dont. and second of all no one should ever demand proof from anyone that they are a part of this culture or whatever like!!

it’s not only annoying but also fucked up that people have the sheer audacity to set stupid requirements for OTHER PEOPLE'S identity. one's identity can be so hard and sensitive of a topic and having someone try to police u in this matter, try to tell u that no sorry u dont know the language/culture so u cant call urself that— i genuinely have no respect for people who act like this

and third of all idk man if someone came to me and said "hi i want to learn more about poland and the culture because i have polish family" (because suurprise!! im polish too!!!!) id be more than happy to tell them everything i know. even if i might not be the best knowledge source AHAJSJDKDK they dont know polish? or anything abt poland?? they just learned their family is polish??? it simply doesnt matter this person wants to learn more about themselves and im more than happy to cheer on them and hope that theyll learn everything they want. and that theyll never feel excluded out of something they deserve to have place in

this got a little long but as u can tell i got very passionate about this topic 😭😭😭 it annoys me so hard how unhuman some people can be

SOO TRUE it's so invalidating ESPECIALLYYYYY when it's always other latino or hispanic people telling me. bro please. i am doing my best here 🙏🙏

i tried for years to learn spanish and it NEVER clicked in my brain. i know basic spanish and basic french (i had to take a foreign language class a few years back so i took french 1) that's it. Please. learning a language takes so much practice and patience and the issue with learning spanish is that my pronounciation will inherently be more "white" because erm. yeahh. english is the only language i've ever spoken fluently. and for some reason, there are many native spanish speakers think it's funny to make fun of mispronounciations? so now i'm scared to practice because of that. 🫶 it's not cute or funny and it's never been in intended an affectionate way. but i am also mentally ill and neurodivergent so that probably doesn't help AJKSFBJSLSHNFM idk man but it is NOT "all in good fun" it's EMBARRASSING!!!!!

IT'S GENUINELY SO FRUSTRATING why should i have to prove my ancestry to you? like. first of all that's really none of your business and second of all i literally do not have to prove anything?!?!?!?! no-one does?!?!?!?! no-one is somehow any less of their heritage simply because they don't know much about it. literally. it is so upsetting why can we not just let people live peacefully fr.

SOOO REALL i need to ask about it again because my maternal family is generally very open about this kind of thing, and it's easy to communicate with them because there is no language barrier between us. i would love to know more about myself. because my culture is something i deserve to have a part in, you know? it's literally in my blood. it is something i always was and always will be, and i feel like i have a right to want to learn about it.

nooo it's okay!!!! i completely get it. i feel like it's becoming very common for people to be less and less human. and it makes sense, given... you know. politics and everything lately. not to be political /lh but there is just a little too much hate being spread and i dislike that so much. many people have forgotten how to be kind and it's just???? very sad and upsetting.

#aphelion replies: 🌻 anon 🌸

[hasarjunadoneanythingwrong]

Iunno, it’s still static sprites that go on a pre-rigged skeleton. It isn’t that much more work. Source: I’ve literally worked on mobile game that uses similar techniques. That said the characters I worked on aren’t nearly as dynamic as they’re only seen from the waist up, but looking at limbo’s animations they need just a couple alternate arms and hands for the most part. Plus there are three variants it feels like they intended a full separate summer servant and then went with costume instead.

i debated answering this bc if i have to see more posts about this subject ill scream but im tired and petty atm and honestly feel like we're not even asking them to make MORE servants just like

instead of making it so its 7 female summer alts and 3 male costumes just make 6 female alts and one summer male alt as a test drive or something. like its frustrating to see people making posts about how the devs couldnt make more costumes for the men bc of crunch time the extra female costumes are more simple etc etc etc like that isnt really the point? the point is that constantly giving ppl 7 of one kind and 3 lesser versions of the other is unfair and people ARE allowed to wish theyd put a little less effort into one side and more into the other, even if the posts DO get annoying. like the valkyrie welfare has six alts- and yes, yes theyre all very similar with basically only the hairstyle changed but have we EVER had a male welfare with a similar amount of attention given to them? are we now not allowed to be annoyed that they couldnt...idk give tai sui his grown up form as a costume as well (which DOES have a sprite, it shows up in his np, even if theyd have to animate some more movement) without someone coming in chiding us for not being appropriately considerate of how hard the devs work?

i KNOW game development is hard and there's a lot of work that goes into it especially with how detailed and intricate fgo sprites are, but theyve persistently been given feedback that people want this and have done nothing to acknowledge it except doing in-game actions which, to the people who are asking for it, can read a lot like taunting or mockery. yeah, it's nice that they included the extra art hasendow did, but doing it for a wildly popular guy after a tidal wave of people begging for more male alts last year reads a LOT differently than the outfit for shuten douji, who has a welfare alt as well as her 'other self' in the event in a swimsuit. do you understand what im saying? ibuki and douman were released at the same time, and one was VASTLY more popular and profitable, but only one got a multi-ascension alt with a bonus costume and i think it isnt actually unreasonable for his fans to feel put out by that.

like, idk, i just think people are more upset than usual this year bc after all the fallout last year with how bad it was it had felt like fgo was actually getting more equal with how it treated it's cast-and with the announcement that there was going to be three ssrs, i legitimately thought that they WERE going to do a male summer alt, but were worried about the reception so weren't messing with the number of female summer ssrs-and i think other people thought that as well! but instead they continued with the same pattern they've always done, EXCEPT that they made 3 of the summer female alts ssrs instead of 2- which shows they're willing to buck tradition but not in the way people are asking for. the male summer alt thing isnt a new problem, they've had ample time to know that people have really really wanted it, they just dont want to do it, and its really annoying that when you complain about it you get a rush of people coming to defend the devs in various ways-they can't do summer alts of the men NOW bc what about the previous men who already got costumes, they cant do summer alts of the men NOW bc they just changed companies, they can't do summer alts of the men NOW bc they never did before, etc etc etc its just annoying like ok. i get it. you dont want to hear people complain! but if working on all these alts is so hard they can also cut down on the number of female alts...

like does this make sense? i know this is incoherent and probably whiny im just tired of whenever people are like 'hey can we actually change this annoying aspect of the game' people rush in to explain why it's impossible for it to change. they also said that about pity and quick casters and a whole bunch of other stuff that they then changed more recently, people were allowed to get their hopes up even if it was 'premature of them'

#PLEASE dont argue on this i dont want to discuss this anymore rn im tired #neg post #my asks #i know theres lots of ppl who like to gripe here (like me) #and also a lot of people who are tired of the gripers (understandable) #but if this post bothers you just....ignore it pls pls pls

[cryptice]

maybe ill use tumblr to vent on since i kinda turned my twitter into a free for all thing lol.... plus i can talk on here without the millions of "are you ok" questions from my wife bc some of this stuff he genuinely hasnt ever been able to help me with since we experience gender and brain things differently.

i usually just like to blame feeling shitty on "oh its just around the time im supposed to do my shot" and just forget about it but im just having so so so so so many stupid complicated feelings. i go thru cycles of not really caring about whatever my gender is and then i get really upset over it later on bc ive just never found anything i can feel comfortable with. i still dont feel like im existing correctly. i dont have a super cute aesthetically squishy body like a lot of people do. ill never be able to get top surgery. do i even actually want it? it would be nice but i feel like part of me only wants it so i can feel more accepted by other trans people...

im also really frustrated with how my brain works in the sense of being able to easily switch between talking about things im into. ive had problems all my life where as soon as im into a new thing, thats all i can ever think and talk about for anywhere from months to years on end. i completely forget EVERYTHING about whatever i liked previously. i struggle to remember basic stuff even, its like my brain gets wiped clean. its really frustrating because i want to be a well rounded person but i just cant. ive always had a one track mind. maybe its a dissociative thing but it just feels like every time i get into something new i feel like a completely different person and i dont know who i was previously. i section the periods of my life based on what i was into at the time. is it an escapism thing too? i have no idea.

also just. still throwing myself against a wall for the weird ways i feel about people. "dodged a bullet" honey there was neved a bullet. i never got over it. shit even if it was a bullet id let it hit me. but i have no idea what im doing when it comes to this stuff anymore and its a bad idea to keep feeling things like this anywaayyy... i feel like how i did when someone who was very, very dear to me would do things for me because i think she did genuinely care about me and want to see me happy, but obviously she did this in a friendly way.... i feel like that even though thinking about it its nowhere near the same. idk. im a mess and never got over my *****. if thats what i think it is. i think it is. maybe. idk. i shouldnt though. i need to forget about it and just be a normal grown ass person instead of feeling like a giddy 18 year old......

#pls like if you read this... #im pathetic #i never realize how many people i dont really have to actually talk to until i post shit like this #callback to something dumb but it rly does feel like nobody actually understands me #probably my fault for not being able to be clear abt things without feeling stupid or embarrassed #afraid of coming on too strong too

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[hematomes]

I could definitely see momoe being intersex! It definitely happens to where ppl dont even know about it or realize it! I like this headcanon for her, a little light in the darkness. ☺️

My thoughts on the show though...oh man. They are very negative so I'm sorry. 😫 You don't have to read it all if you don't want to. Warnings ahead for mentions of child abuse and suicide:

In a nutshell it's some kind of preachy anti-suicide propaganda piece, and it goes about its message in such a weirdly perverse and victim-blamey way. It's also sexually charged in a rly low-key way where it's romanticizing the way these children are crushing on and/or being abused by adult men. Ah I can't articulate it properly but it comes off as so sinister in its intention and it's easy to miss, *especially* for the target audience of, well, 14-year-old girls.

The end was so nonsensical that I can barely even remember what happened, but by that time I was already so upset about Frill and realizing what the show's message truly was that I don't think I was even registering what little plot that show had to give.

Also, as a trans boy myself, I have mixed feelings about Kaoru, but I don't think I'll ever watch the show a second time to let those thoughts fully form.

i just finished the last episode (without the extras) and im gonna be real with u i didn't understand it at all 💀

i see your point and i agree, especially with the last wonder egg & the whole thing with ai's/koito's teacher. i got the ick really quickly but the 1st real nail was the fact that he painted an "adult" version of ai and called it beautiful/gorgeous etc (and said she'd look like her mother, WITH WHOM HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP......) and i thought it would be addressed later on, but they just. dropped that and then made it worse by saying that in a parallel universe she confessed to him and that he was her first love. without it being weird somehow idk. not to mention how breezily they hypothetized that he could've abused koito hello..... however ill give them the benefit of the doubt for that since it was a discussion between 4 teen girls and one of them did step up. even tho she just stepped up to defend her uncle. oh well.

i think i see their point in the way that teenagers sometimes get attached to their teachers, but it's the teachers' responsibility to draw a FIRM boundary and that guy clearly didn't with neither ai nor koito. im also quite unsatisfied about how his relationship with koito remained vague till the end of the main show (can't say abt the extras)

overall i still enjoyed watching it and got attached to the girls, but it really went sideways with the episodes 10-12. not really sure how i feel about the frill situation which frustrates me to NO END bc i literally started watching it for her </3 anyway

kaoru is... an extremely unimportant character, barely one episode etc and his trauma (and the trauma of all the wonder eggs tbh) was basically overlooked, which is also why im desperately clinging to the queer momoe hc. also disappointed bc he really deserved. so much more.

ANYWAY i was 0% ready for the last 3 episodes, and idk if ill watch the extras bc that was really weird and rushed. i feel like they should've explored some stuff way more, specifically around frill and how she's linked to what's happening. plus her motives etc, bc at the end of the day it's up to interpretation but like so vague i can't even really think of smth that would fully make sense

so, yea. imo amazing start but some very important things were left out (which sucks bc as u said the target audience is teenagers) and glazed over when it could've been an opportunity to point out how fucking WEIRD and dangerous some teachers are and the end was kinda fucked.

in conclusion. hoshiai no sora is better

#— answered #— nonnie #wonder egg priority spoilers #suicide mention #child abuse #long post

[twistedlittlenightmare]

I really feel like too much is happening around me that is outwith my control again and I feel terrible. So much is going on in my family, my house, at the moment, like genuinely everything is spiralling, and I feel like everyone is taking their frustrations out on me because I’m the only one around to actually take it?

My dad is sick, and we don’t know what’s making him sick - he’s lost so much weight, but he won’t eat because he feels ill, but the blood work and last scan he had (which took 6 weeks to get instead of the 2 they said it should have been because it was another cancer scare btw) came back fine? He had like a cyst on a kidney from what I overheard but idk if that’s true - but anyway he’s really sick, his depression is bad and he’s now finally taken sick leave but twice this week he’s just taken his anger out on me for the tiniest thing. He hardly talks to me as it is and I’m so worried about him?

Then obviously my mum is worrying about him, worrying about my middle sister who is also sick and depressed and hasn’t been eating, and then my younger sister is going to paris for 3 months but has been taking the absolute piss asking for money constantly that my mum just doesn’t have to give her. She’s working 2 jobs to pay for all this and now my dad’s pay is going to be reduced making it worse. On top of that, my gran’s dementia symptoms are getting worse which is heartbreaking for us all, but especially my mum because she can’t really remember all of us properly anymore. And my mum admitted that she sends me to see my gran because it’s really upsetting for her now, and I understand but I dont think she realises that I need her support too? I dont like going alone but also dont like seeing my mum upset when we go. (There’s also stuff with my uncle making that worse too!)

And I’m worrying about all those things too, but I just don’t know what to do with it all.

And I feel like I’m being so selfish for thinking people are taking their anger and grievances out on me? But they are. My mum is constantly passive aggressive and I’m the only one around to take it. And I don’t know what she expects me to do while she’s going on these massive rants saying things like “im just the slave, the cook, the cleaner, no one ever does...” when I try to help. And she doesn’t ask, she just gets passive aggressive about absolutely everything. And my dad is obviously so not well that he just comes home and sleeps, and the middle sister’s ADHD symptoms are terrible so she’s all over the place (never helped with anything to begin with tbh) and just either in a fowl mood or won’t get out of your face, and she’s constantly arguing with my mum (who then circles back to taking it out on me).

I’m completely on edge all the time incase I piss someone off. Or even make a remark that will spark something. Like I feel like I’m feeling and overthinking everything while completely shutting off at the same time?

And I don’t know what to do

On top of that, I have so much anxiety about running this business that I’m terrified it’s going to fail before I’ve even got it back off the ground ://////////

#personal #I know I dump here a lot just to scream into the void but like who else am i gonna talk to lol #health tw #cancer tw #eating mention tw #mental health tw

[corasohn]

._.

#ignore this im just gonna ramble here #im kinda sad that i dont know whats my sexuality like #......... i wanna say im bi but ........ there are days where im not attracted to men at all or even women ........ #or days where its all about women or men and i guess that could be bi but idk for sure???? #idk im upset and frustrated that i dont know and idk if ill ever really know???? #and i always want to interact with bi posts but i feel like im not ...... bi. #i know i sound stupid as fuck but thats just how i feel :/ #maybe i am maybe im not idk #i really wish i knew sighhhhh #anywayssssssss im just a human atm with a ?? for sexuality cause my dumbass doesnt know

[cheekbites-moved]

ok i still havent gotten the secret ending but farming for it might take me a bit so im gonna make a thoughts post for age of calamity now:

Major spoilers obvs so ill put it under a read more

things i enjoyed:

revali beatdown simulator

the controls for the divine beasts are a bit clunky, but i think the angles they used for them did an excellent job at really making the player feel like we were actually controlling a divine beast. so i think it was done well.

link’s personality really gets to shine full force in this game with the amount of cut scenes and it was wonderful to see

every character clearly had a lot of love put into how they operate. they truly all feel unique, & all of their play styles fit them really well in my opinion

the game does a really good job of making you understand what a real threat the monsters are. like in botw they’re intimidating at first, but once you’re far enough into the game they become just an inconvenience to work around if anything. this game managed to actually make certain monsters intimidating for me again, and i think that’s a real accomplishment

the blight battles are actually somewhat challenging in this game and that is truly a commendable achievement lol i think all the bosses are good tbh. i didnt rly dislike or not enjoy any of them.

the way daruk and link’s friendship & urbosa’s motherly relationship towards zelda got to shine was. so good. it’s all i could’ve ever wanted

seeing the descendants again was really nice & it was awesome to see the champions interacting with them!! especially sidon and mipha omggggg. that was. really fucking good shit

kohga. just. kohga in general. getting to see more of him was really rad, he’s such a fun guy! and his english va was Excellent. you could really tell he was having a lot of fun playing him, and it was lovely to see! :)

zelda getting to really shine in this game was also lovely to see. and her being so assertive and badass by the end? omg. it was so wonderful especially after botw. man. 

the combat is done very well imo. im rly glad that they took so many elements from botw, but also added their own flares to make it feel fresh. it was rad.

sidon’s tagline is “winning smile” and his power is “boundless optimism” and i think that’s beautiful

the music in this game is SOOOOO good oh my god. multiple times during playing i had to pause to just appreciate it. it’s pretty much all remixes of botw with a few originals for the new characters, but they all slap. there was not a single song in this game i didn’t like. it is definitely one of my favorite video game soundtracks officially. maybe one of my favorite overall soundtracks in general tbh.

the visuals obviously look just like botw, but it still looked fucking gorgeous at some points. like. man. they really went off to make it look not only faithful to botw as far as appearance goes, but also as far as capturing botw’s beauty and it was. excellent to see!

if anything is true to botw’s backstory, it’s definitely how op link is. cause he was established to be op in botw, & when u finish botw he is also op as hell. he is so fun to play as the higher leveled he gets. he absolutely kicks ass. especially with a two-handed weapon??? daaaaammmmnnn. thats my badass baby boy!!!!

link eating rocks not once, but TWICE. just showing PEAK gremlin energy. 10/10 for those scenes they were great

the ending was really beautiful actually and i did cry like a little baby for it what about it

things i didn’t like:

obviously first and foremost.. this is not the game we were advertised. and no matter how much i overall enjoyed the game, it will always have some layer of being tainted attached to it due to the false advertising. this is not the prequel we thought we’d be getting. & not using “prequel” specifically doesn’t matter when all the advertising, including the box art talks about this being the story of what happened 100 years ago. with no indication it wasn’t the story of what happened 100 years ago in the botw timeline, but a separate universe/timeline entirely. i do hope we get dlc for the game at some point giving us what we were advertised, but at the same time... rly wish that the story that’s in the final game was dlc, & the story we were promised was the original :/ or just having the game have two separate storylines originally would’ve been cool. i just wish it wasn’t falsely advertised. 

fort hateno can fucking eat my whole entire shit WHY is that part so needlessly obnoxious compared to everything else oh my god

being forced to fulfill revali’s power fantasy TWICE hurt my soul

fuck any mission where you have to protect the useless hylian guards. i hate them. they suck.

the ai for player characters when you aren’t playing as them can also be pretty useless. it was really frustrating failing missions because my fellow party members weren’t helping me, and i was basically expected to be in two places at once to get shit done myself. :/ ik you can just switch between characters to make it easier, but like. i like playing as link the most. he’s my favorite character, & ofc since he’s mandatorily played for most of the story, he’s gonna be the most leveled up character regardless so he’s just the best to play as in general especially for harder missions. it was annoying to be forced to play as other people Solely cause the ai was so useless.

king rhoam’s attempt at a redemption arc. i’m not sorry that i just fucking hate this man. i don’t mind him entirely in botw bc you can see clear, genuine remorse during the cut scene at the end of the great plateau. but the redemption arc he gets in this game? after all the fucking shit he does in this game? especially when after his ~redemption arc~ i had to sit through a cut scene of him being an absolute fucking asshole to baby zelda after her mother just died????? absolutely fuck that shit. i don’t appreciate that crap at fucking all. he’s a verbally abusive piece of shit and i hate his guts.

obviously there was gonna be some retconning of how certain things worked in botw in order to make this kinda game work but the way sheikah technology works in this game is so goddamn confusing i do not get it. the works of botw are never outright said or explained completely, but it’s straightforward enough that it doesn’t really matter. this game does try to explain certain things and it just becomes. really clunky and confusing very quickly. 

the story is alright, i guess, but..... really confusing/convoluted as hell at times to a point that it’s. really fucking distracting. especially in comparison to how straightforward botw’s story is. like..... cannot help but be annoyed that such a problem wouldn’t have been a thing if they stuck to botw’s story.

i was sad when the egg thing died but i dont like the egg thing.... it is the MAIN reason shit was retconned so much & i just. dont get its purpose. but i did really like the reveal that zelda made it herself. that was good shit!

also the egg glitched out like. a LOT. idk what the fuck was going on with the poor thing but there was multiple times during a cut scene or when i was just sitting there that it was freaking out in the background and it was rly weird

elemental overworld boss monsters................. obnoxious. especially elemental guardians like goddamn bro what the fuck

i know warriors’ games aren’t about exploring anyway but the limitations for exploring was really sad/frustrating. this is still somewhat the world of hyrule before the calamity, which is something we’ve always wanted to see. not being able to explore even the immediate area at certain points because of shit like timed missions was really upsetting, man. :( i just wanted to see hyrule castle Before the calamity why was did they have to rob us like that.....

creepy corrupted egg’s transformation. why. what was that. what the fuck

even though i did enjoy the boss fights, it did get. incredibly taxing eventually to have to fight the SAME bastards so many times. like yeah botw is also guilty of this with the blights, but goddamn.... at least i have a choice to avoid certain encounters with them? this game has you fighting the same bitches like upwards of 3-4 times. it was. really annoying tbh. like the fights themselves are enjoyable, but damn we added new characters and it still inevitably lacked variety in boss fights.

no playable kass >:( if he’s available later in dlc then fine but i wish he was playable in the original game. so many random choices you’d never expect are. why couldn’t he also be there >:(

overall:

it will forever have that sour taste for the false advertising attached to it unfortunately, but that aside, i overall did enjoy the game! i think it has a lot to love in spite of the issues i encountered. as someone who has this as their first warriors game as well, it did lend itself to letting me see the appeal of them. idk if i’ll get more, but i do get why they’re so beloved/popular now. it was an alright time, with some amazing highlights that i’m gonna think back on very fondly for a very, very long time. if i had to rate it..... 7/10 

#hw #aoc #hw aoc #hyrule warriors #age of calamity #legend of zelda #botw #danni plays hw aoc #mine #long post #v long post sorry lol i have so many thoughts/feelings

[scatterpatter]

15 w Corren!

15: What is your characters background story?

OHOHO, so I’m going to leave One Detail Out because there’s one part of his backstory I don’t wanna spoil for Jazz yet, but... >:3c

Also it’s under the cut because i totally infodumped and then some OOPSIE

oh also cws: serious illness, death, domestic violence, depression

Corren Hartwell grew up the youngest of 3 siblings, the oldest being his big sis Mila and the middle child being his bro Julian. Their parents were pretty detached emotionally, but that’s pretty par for the course where he was from, and they provided for the kids so it really wasn’t all that bad. Not a perfect family, no fam ever is, but they were happy.

His race’s culture is super inclined to intelligence and studying technology, the mind, etc, so Corren spent his childhood being a total bookworm. Studying history, arcana, all sorts of stuff... he never really minded it, though. He was actually quite good at what he did! 

Mila was a spellcaster- I honestly forgot what school of magic she was in OOPS, and Julian dual-classed as a Necromancer and Bard! Jules and Mila were both pretty close in age, and they were like besties on top of being siblings, and they’d often team up to do small adventuring jobs: hit up the help wanted board in town and take care of short deliveries or a monster stalking a farm or something like that- both for the thrill and to also earn some extra gold for the family. They loved Corren, but they couldn’t take him with them because it was too dangerous for him since he was still just a little kid. Still, Corren admired them and wanted to be just like them(better, even?) when he grew up! ... Oh yeah I always forget this detail but Corren’s totally trans XD He came out pretty young but his family was chill with it so like... ayyyeee

Though one day, Mila started getting sick. Corren doesn’t really know what it was, but for whatever reason she wasn’t able to heal from it with simple healing spells. It was a slow process, but she was just getting worse instead of better, and one day she passed. The family was a wreck, understandably. The issue is... Corren and Julian had... different ways of grieving. Corr was still young, the equivalent of like someone 10-12 in human years, so he didn’t fully grasp the concept of death just yet. He retreated into himself a lot, had trouble grounding himself to the present and really struggling with depression. Julian, about the equivalent of someone 16-18, had a better understanding of what was going on, but he was wrecked. He wanted their sister back, and was so upset he couldnt do anything... but he wanted to try. He ended up doing something rash, and... well, spoilers ;) (dont worry he didnt hurt Corren or anyone else, but... he Fucked Up in what he tried doing)

Things quickly went downhill from there for the Hartwells. There was often a lot of fighting between Julian and their parents, or Corren would be chided for being unable to focus, like, at all, and... Corren and Jules never really fought, but there was a clear rift between them after what happened. They still loved each other, but it was so obvious their relationship would never be like what it was when Mila was still around, and that hurt both of them so much.

A few months later, things reached a boiling point and Julian was kicked out of their home. Before he left, though, he found Corren and gave him something: a small amethyst pendant on a necklace chain, something Julian used to always wear. They made a promise that this wasn’t gonna be goodbye, that they’d find each other again, and then Jules was gone. It was just Corren and his mom and dad.

Things were still strained, and Corren just did his best to keep to his studies to distract himself from everything. Not wanting Corren to end up like his brother, his parents forbade anything necrotic in the magic he learned. The problem was... Corren still loved Julian. And still wanted to be like him, to a point, so... he would study necromancy in secret. It was kinda like his little lifeline like “hey Jules is still here to an extent if I know the spells he does”, and things seemed to be going okay, for the most part

Well uh... one day his father caught him practicing his necromancy and... well, was far from happy about it. An argument quickly erupted between them both, a lot of yelling back and forth, and before Corr could react properly, his father grabbed something from the desk and struck him with it, giving him a pretty bad cut across his right eye(the smol scar I always draw? Yeah...). In a panic, Corren’s flight of fight kicked in as he cast a magic missile at his father in retaliation. Corren isn’t sure if his attack just stunned, knocked out, or killed his father, but the flight of fight-or-flight kicked in as he just ran from the situation. He had no idea what he was to do or where to go, but he just knew he couldn’t go back home after that.

SO this poor kid, probably the equivalent of a 14-15 y/o, is out on his own now... and he sure does his best. He mainly spends his time hopping from town to town, taking up small jobs to get some gold in his pockets, and is just... focusing on surviving. Going from this sheltered lifestyle to suddenly on the streets was a wake-up call and then some, but he found ways to make it work. Luckily his background of studying all the time gave him enough intelligence to take up tasks others weren’t as capable of, but it was still... far from easy. But he made it work!

One day he’s in a city known as Lilenthemar, just taking a break in one of the town squares, when an Elven man takes a seat on the bench next to him. They both sit in a comfortable silence for a while... but the elf then strikes a conversation. Corren, socially awkward like no tomorrow, tries to keep up the conversation... key word tries. The man introduces himself as Jethro, and I imagine the conversation took a turn like this:

Jethro: I don’t see many Marelienths around here, are you new in town?

Corren: Yeah, just passing through I guess. ... Gotta say, wasn’t expecting to see the Dragon Saint of the Green as I came here, though.

Jethro, laughing: Ah, yes, Raerose. Don’t worry, he’s a kind dragon. Though, it’s certainly surprising to those who are new to the city.

Corren: Oh, no, I know all about Raerose and his connections to this city and the Edgewoods. I just wasn’t expecting to... you know, run into his path as quickly as I did.

Jethro: Oh, so you’ve done your research, I take it?

At that point, Corren does what any neurodivergent would do when asked about his hobbies: Infodumps the hell out of what he knows. He’s far from a great scholar, considering he’s only the equivalent of someone 16-21ish at this point and spent quite a few years away from studying in favor of surviving, but he was still very intelligent and knowledgable about what he talked about. Jethro, picking up on this, decided to offer Corren a temporary position as a Family Historian. Jethro was actually a noble, something Corr somehow didn’t pick up on, and not only could’ve used the help... but also, he kiiiinda picked up on the fact that Corren looked like a kid who could use a place to stay for a while. Corren, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, immediately accepted the offer.

Now, Corren wasn’t intending to stay for long. A few months, maybe a year or two... but. He realized he was building a pretty stable life by having a consistent job for the elf- it didn’t make much sense to just leave that in favor of hopping from place to place with no purpose. Not to mention, he was actually growing quite close to his boss. They’d often spent time together during off-hours, sitting in a comfortable quiet, just taking comfort in each other’s presence. Jethro’s actually the only one Corren ever opened up to about his past, and over the years Corren really grew to love him in a strong platonic way. They both struggled with their own grieving, Jethro with his passed wife and son he hadn’t seen in years, and Corren with his passed sister and brother he hadn’t seen in years, which only helped them grow closer, since they understood each other’s pain, in a sense.

He still struggled with depression, but overall Corren was doing pretty damn well in life. ... Many years later, Corren being 44(idk which human-equivalent this would be. Mid-Late 20s? Early 30s?), actually gets to meet Jethro’s son, Jericho, and the party he traveled with... called the F.U.C.K.s. ... I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried. They needed help getting to a place called the Menoa Tree, which Corren happened to have studied for a long while, so he offered to help the party. ... They totally broke him with their antics. He proceeded to have a mental breakdown in front of them, and essentially went “FUCK THIS IM GOING HOME AND TAKING A NAP”. Jethro got a laugh out of the furious rambling Corren came home with.

... But despite that, something stuck with him. He just couldn’t quite get the party out of his mind. Something about them, as frustrating as they were, was almost... magnetic? ... Well, weeks later, word came to Lilenthemar about a war that had been raging on for years now... but specifically of a battle at a city known as Joshua, the forces being lead by Jericho alongside many others. Jethro was of course worried about his boy... and Corren... well, something in him changed. He wanted to know more about the FUCKs and just WHAT their deal was, and he wanted to ease Jethro’s worries, so... he grabbed a sniper rifle and decided that he’d go help protect Jericho and his friends as they fought. 

He eventually caught up to the party, convinced them to let him help, and after many battles... the war was won(Corren kinda came in at the tail-end of it all). The only thing is... after that, Corren didn’t really want to go home just yet. He actually enjoyed spending time with the party... and then it clicked: They were powerful adventurers who were totally crazy, stupid, and had no sense of self-preservation... they were just like Julian. And Corren loved it, even when they drove him crazy. He felt alive, which is something he realized he hadn’t felt in a long time... and quickly grew attached to his party, Alistair now taking the reigns as leader as Jericho retired from adventuring. And, well, he’s stuck with them ever since!

He still has Julian’s amethyst, as they’ve yet to reunite(yknow, assuming Jules is still alive even), but... certain events are causing some concern with the story I’m telling. Mainly... Corren is slowly facing Aboleth Corruption(he doesn’t know this yet, but is starting to suspect there’s something wrong with him), and that’s causing parts of his memory to be... patchy. Certain things aren’t lining up, and there could be more(or just different altogether) pieces of this story than what I’ve just told... but we’ll have to wait and see until we get to the quest that deals with that before we find out what’s REALLY going on ;)

... HEY UM I HOPE YALL DONT MIND THE IMMENSE INFODUMP IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR THEN THANK U FOR CARING ABT MY BOI ;-;

#corren #OHHHH DONT MIND THE BRICK WALLS OF TEXT #YKNOW THIS WAS FUN ACTUALLY #I TYPED UP A BACKSTORY BEFORE BUT LIKE #SINCE ITS BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE THEN IT FELT NICE TO LIKE #JUST GO OVER CERTAIN PARTS OF IT AGAIN AND GIVE IT KINDA A FRESH RE-TELLING #dnd ask meme #ironically corren is the only one that has THIS much backstory of all my charas HVSFHBDS #phonepastry

[whrrlwind]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse.

fill out & repost !

tagged by:  no one! i stole it from ren <3 tagging:  anyone who wants to do it!!

my muse is:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK and im too afraid to find out Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL How strictly do you follow canon?  —  pretty strictly! it’s really only towards the end of SA2 and after it where i start taking creative liberties! as whirl nearly dies himself trying (and failing) to save his shadow, and then starts going into rider’s time instead of jumping into heroes.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  you like the adventure era sonic? you hate how he sometimes handles really serious scenarios or brushes them off like nothing, as if they aren’t traumatic as shit in any way? wanna see a pretty mentally and emotionally fucked up lad struggle with handling his troubles and keep up the dark/serious theme SA2 set that sega is too cowardly to go back to in modern day? well bOY DO I HAVE THE HEDGEHOG FOR YOU. this bad boy ACTUALLY has emotions and struggles with handling them and many other things due to the position he has put himself in over the course of his life, but also doesn’t completely wear him down and stop him from being who he is! as well as dealing with the fact he and his timeline are MUCH further behind than other alternates of himself and friends. sonic “ whirl ” hedgehog is a young hero still running his way through life the way he wants like the rebellious, free-spirited teenager he is, while learning that not only is he a hero, but he’s also a person.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  — quite frankly, he’s sonic. there’s a lot of them out there. he can probably be too energetic, positive, etc, or perhaps this blog focuses a little too much on his trauma and internal struggles or even the general dark theme to the point it’s a turnoff or just hard to really read. he’s also an annoying idiot to the point it’s frustrating.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — yo sonic was my fucking LIFEBLOOD as a kid. lived and breathed this franchise. sa2 was my first game ever, sonic was my fav character (and still is), so my absolute love for this specific version of him became too much to internalize sooooo here we are ; w ;

What keeps your inspiration going? —  straight up, sonic is probably my biggest comfort character to exist ever. always makes me happy, always makes me feel better when im down, etc. there’s nothing he can’t do that doesn’t make me smile, regardless of how sega treats him. being able to pour my ideas into a character i love so much to the point he becomes really personalized (and personal for me), and it’s actually something people enjoy seeing and interacting with? it gives me so much goddamn sertonin.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? Do you frequently write headcanons?  YESSSSS I CANNOT SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WHIRL ask anyone i Do Not Shut The Fuck Up even if i don’t post abt it on tumblr Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO just bc im bad at writing them abndhjbfd Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA. Do you accept criticism about your portrayal?  —  always!! i’m always willing to learn and improve on things, especially with the canon of some events from games and such, as i’m not 100% with everything besides SA2. all i really ask is that when receiving criticism, people are as nice as they can be with it! thanks adhd and personal trauma

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  ABSOFUCKINLUTELY I DO

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  mmmmm? mm. kind of? but also not really? like. everyone’s entitled to their own opinion ofc, i’m not gonna rip anyone apart for disagreeing with something, but like. i have adhd. i’m v hypersensitive to some things, so it can really be processed in my head the wrong way and it makes me feel bad. so i guess just....... be careful about it if you ever wanna tell me why?

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — i’d probably just kinda be like “ damn that sucks bro, but thats literally not my problem, there’s a whole ton of other sonics out there bye ” bc like. i dont care? don’t even really tell me bc honestly ur just wasting ur time lmao

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — ill be the first to admit im. v attached to sonic as a whole. he means a lot to me! so going off abt how you may (generally) hate him really....... is just upsetting to me. but thats just bc im v attached to him, and there’s nothing wrong with having that opinion on him!! we all get upset when someone talks bad about something we love. all i ever ask is that try to keep it away from me, especially if it’s abt whirl in particular, bc it can really upset me and thats just not fun for anyone <:3c

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — absolutely!! i make them all the time and i even have a friend proofread some of my stuff bc of how common it is aBJDBHBJC, again i just ask if people are nice about it when pointing that stuff out to me!!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  oh fuckin yes absolutely, im tooting my own horn and i dont even care, im one of the chillest people on this fuckin planet

#《 🌌. eat my ass spirits! 》 (ooc) #《 🌌. i eat coffee beans raw to survive 》 (mun) #long post // #ask to be tagged // #heyooooo #ill probably do this for fleetway too #but later good GOD did this take a bit #anyway i would die for whirl thank u for ur time

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 15: "congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!” - Jules

congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!

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JIOFEOJIFEWOJIWOJI THAT SOUNDS SO BITTER BUT DYLAN SIR U HANDED HER THE GAME! HANDED IT TO HER! GOD! and its what she deserves!

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anyways. let it be known this was NOT MY FAULT.

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let the record show, before last night's tribal, I SAID SOMETHING WAS NOT SITTING RIGHT WITH MY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!! AND???? what happened. look what happened.

Vocaroo

Vocaroo 2

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Vocaroo

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Vocaroo 3

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still practicing my slide puzzles WJIJIEFIJWJIFIFWJEJWIEEJWIF

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME!!!

this final 4 is absolutely amazing and i literally love all of them so much, but that just makes things 10x worse. i think that playing my idol on daisy was a huge risk and the fact that it is now a final 2 makes things a bit more interesting. my ideal plan was to have daisy in the final 4 with me so that i wouldnt be the next target, but now that she won immunity it just didnt work out how i intended at all!!

voting out jules and szymon is purely going to come down to which one of them will sway my way and it's going to hurt to send one of them to jury no matter what, but i just feel like i came all this way and not making top 3 would just suck so badly. so yeah, this sucks. i hate that no matter what i do im going to be upsetting people and hurting feelings but... i guess that's just the game! at this point im not even sure if i can win against daisy but it seems like she will take me, it just depends on whether or not i stay loyal to her if i win FIC or if i take whoever is with me in final 3.

much to think about, BUT I JUST CANT BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR !!!!

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Jules is voted out 3-1. She becomes the 8th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment take place below:

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Szymon is voted out by Daisy. He becomes the final member of our jury.

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idk thought this would be cute to include my voting log and stuff hehe <3 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1RiA0RUWX4TRpqBTgRzLJJ3fHu2jBqZ-bCJozFd3HcRs/edit?usp=sharing

Jules: https://youtu.be/6zKeJuOJKeY 

https://youtu.be/5dV_-X6Rv2U

https://youtu.be/N5tnq-4QAT8

someone (zach) asked me to rank the jurors from nicest to meanest...so here we go. ily all <3 <3

1. seamus (this will def come as a surprise, but seamus was the most levelheaded and nice one on the jury. he really never made a bitter comment even though he had every right to, especially at me/daisy/dylan and really anyone who was in after him except chips. like. he was the only person to reach out in pms after and it was immediate, he really comforted me and i really admire men who can have like good relationship w/ women that are platonic??? i know he's been like terrible in the past and i did call him on some stuff in hydravivor and ill be the FIRST to admit that i called him a crackhead on a daily basis but i think he's grown a lot!!!!!! idk. i think he's also the MOST self aware!!!! im a seamus stan, what about it?)

2. brandan (while brandan was kinda irrelevant game wise this season -- but not in our hearts -- he was very objective and a peacemaker. he had good reason to be MIA too so the fact that he got as far as he did means to me that he did form some strong social connections. and he did!!! with me, i think w/ conor, so idk, he had a role like i did in the game imo. i really liked him and he really brought a fresh perspective on things!!!)

3. szymon (he's only not ranked higher bc he's pissed off rob and he stands his ground a lot more outwardly than the first two, at least in the jury chat. also he's not had as much time as a juror. but even then, i think szymon is not a bad guy like some of the ppl make him out to be. like, idk, i think he made a mistake on a game level and he even admitted it and idk he's a legend. truly. im so glad to have met him and i think he was a really nice juror to have around while he was ACTUALLY around bc he stood up for me/daisy the way seamus did)

4. lovelis (lovelis makes some pointed comments but.....he's not dumb at all and so i don't think he's been bitter. also his pointed comments have been funny and mostly radiating the energy of the other Bitter Jurors so idk. i really like him on a personal level as well and have for a while so idk. i dont KNOW KNOW him but he's never been the type to make harsh comments without them having some merit to them. so i kinda trust his judgement even though he wasnt in the game long/an early merge boot. idk i think he's open minded enough and he's also someone who admits when he's done a Lil Too Much but he's really lovely. just competitive.)

5. chips (i dont think chips is MEAN per se, in fact, i dont think he has a mean bone in his body on a personal level. like WFIJFJIFWE I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT HES SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! but thats why it's so funny to see him in games bc he's a lil lying, a lil backstabby and sometimes he's a lil passive aggressive. but its not undeserved. its also a pisces thing WEFJIEIEJWEFJIWEF i think what i saw in the jury house was sometimes chips going along w/ things, but i dont know, i really do not know much about chips game and ill probs ask him more afterwards?? but idk he was REALLY nice to me tho so FWIJFWEWFIFW i just dont trust him in games.......i dont know whats on his mind half of the time......)

I WANNA SAY FOR THE NEXT 3 MEN THEYRE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THEIR FIRE SIGN PLACEMENTS SO while i know some of them do hold resentment, its a lot easier to deal with and work with and with all 3 of them we've talked it out with/are going to talk it out. only #8 has been the MOST stubborn but idk imma let him do his thing & try not to pass too much judgement u know cause i dont need to waste my braincells on that

6. conor (knowing conor's astrological placements makes this make sense to me. but i wanna say that i think he's the type of leo to like be upfront, get it out, vent, and be fine? which is why i respect him a lot and i think we do have a mutual respect for each other. some of the comments he made were kinda rude tho and him fake liking astrology for social game was SO UGLY TO ME!!!! like i'll clown him for it for as long as i know him now cause....JOKE'S ON HIM!!!!!!! WJOEFWEOWEFO but that was kinda mean but def conor's come around and seen the light / has also reached out to me to talk. he's also admitted he left a mean speech in sbbb9 and regretted it so i think he might just shoot off at the mouth a bit. but BETTER THE DEVIL U KNOW THAN THE ONE U DONT and i appreciate the transparency NOW as opposed to the fakeness of him saying he liked astrology for social game. THIS IS A HILL I WILL DIE ON!!!!! im a fan of leos tho and he's a leo moon like me. so. i think we'll be fine. )

7. rob (i actually really REALLY like rob on a personal level but i really do not know if i could play another game with him, at least survivor, id be open to playing bb. i think ill say that the best thing about rob is that he's also apologized, was one of the first to when i confronted them all, me and him have a good personal relationship tbh!! but some of the game comments he made were p harsh and he's definitely a lil bitter but again, he's admitted it, i think while he's more up front -- i dont think i ever wanna be on his bad side in a game. EVER!!! cause we didnt even have any loyalty to each other in the game but he was SO harsh on my game like it was wild bc i dont think id ever be that harsh to ANY OF THEM ABOUT THEIR GAMES LIKE THAT???? anyways. its fine bc again he's apologized and he's owned it but PHEW he got a lil bit of a sharp tongue. really eloquent tho!!!!!!!!!!! love hearing him speak)

8. gage (last but least the southern belle himself................this man an aries and i dont know his other signs but him being an aries man is enough. they POP OFF!!!!!! a lot of times there's some truth to it, sure, but sometimes they just be popping off and FOR WHAT!!!!! i do understand gage's frustrations though but even he apologized for being too mean in HIS FUTURE FUCKING CONFESSIONALSSSSSSSS TO MEEEEEE so. idk. he's got an issue with letting things go in games and miss annajane calls him on a lot of BS and it does NOT seem to really knock him down but. gage is really wht u see is what u get, doesnt really own his faults but at least u kinda know where ur at w/ him. but he's still probs the meanest one in there but i do understand from a game level why he was so fucked up about it, especially after hearing FTC. its just that. i understand his position. BUT HE NEEDS TO TAKE A XANAX SOMETIMES I S2G GAGE I WILL GIVE YOU ONE!!! girl it is NOT that serious!!!!!!)

also forgot to mention that i admitted to gage that chris from s1 was NOT actually my brother and his jaw was on the floor <3 I GOT TO DO ONE TROLL THING RIGHT!!!!!! rip me/seamus' showmance serious!!!!!!)

okay just to add onto my last confessional -- the songs i think represent me best from this playlist game wise are: - perfect for you - punchin' bag - stayin' alive - flip - femme fatale/future nostalgia (for the girls alliance that never was....rip but also me/daisy at merge vibes) - X - the shortchange - TAKE ME AS I AM!!!!! THAT SONG IS THE ONE THATS BECOME MY SONG!!!! for this game especially!!!!! - over yet (the lyrics literally speak for themselves) - tough on myself (sorry for stealing ur song vincent) - seven devils - villains pt. 1 (i dont think i was a villain but i did stuff in this game that i usually dont and would consider villainous for myself FEWIWFEJIFEW i was in my feelings!) - passion & pain taste the same when i'm weak (me coming into the jury house and realizing they'd all snatched my wig w/ the edges and the glue.....i DID cry to this song for at least 2 hours! yes i did! WIFJWJIWEIJE) - tar ('under the stars -- pull yourself from the tar'. at the end of the day, this season was fucking stacked and there wasn't one person who was a bad player at all. at all.stars, if you will. i was under a lot of stars and from all the breakdowns in my game to me actually breaking down -- i GOTTA PULL MYSELF FROM THE TAR!!!! learn!! grow!! be better!!)

TOP 5 (not 'perfect for you'): - punchin' bag - take me as i am - over yet - tough on myself - tar

good for my whole journey imo!! the last 3!!! okay this is my ACTUAL last confessional okay thank u for everything!!! bye!!!

https://youtu.be/T5wRzWwlOp8

and here's my personal playlist for the org: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2E8KGCo1SrBgoJIQ9DycfM?si=96PWq-6ERCyisacQr3zPww

it is literally an hour and a half until the winner reveal and i really just have no idea what's going to happen. like in the back of mind i just have a feeling that im losing bc, yeah you know self-deprecation woo! but yeah idk i think i really gave this game my all and while i dont think i played it flawlessly, i still think i played a strong game i can be proud of :,)

having it be a live final tribal for my first ever like, jury questioning was just--- ugh wild but i actually think it went really well. just based on what people were saying it definitely seemed as if some of the jurors didnt really want to see me and daisy at the end or like, really werent consider voting for me but i think i was definitely able to sway some people who were willing to listen and definitely gave some of the jurors something to think about. so whether or not i win i do think that i had a really great final tribal performance, maybe it was even enough to sway enough people into giving me their vote?? WHO'S TO SAY

anyways this has been such a wild experience and it's surreal to think that it's ending in like, a little over an hour but no matter what happens i can say confidently that i will be able to look back on this season fondly and will be leaving it with my head held high bc I REALLY DID THIS LIKE!!! I REALLY MADE IT TO THE END!! WOW I STILL CANT GET OVER IT HAHAHA!! but yeah bye forever <33

Rob’s Last Video:  https://youtu.be/X3krxxfJ3oo

________________________________________________________________

Daisy wins in a 7-2 vote!

#superspooky

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

#ballet an hobbies and thoughts and lots of things. #honestly noneed to read

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

[dead-thorin]

man this might be mean but like

So a friend messaged me to vent and told me how his friend group in his program have been purposely excluding him from study sessions, even though they know hes struggling with some material. He was understandably super upset about that and we talked it out a bit. Heres the thing: I didnt know how to tell him its because hes like, not the greatest friend. Like i tried to get to that point without saying it, bc hes already down, but i dont think it clicked

it was just so frustrating because like

He never answers texts. If he does its days, weeks, sometimes months later and thats so fucking annoying. Like i get it, I have a lot of anxiety about that as well, but at the same time i push myself to answer it. If I dont, at the most, i apologize, let them know whats going on if that matters, and try to make it up to them in some way (eg with one friend i try and call her within the next few days so we can catch up). At the least? I try and make sure people know beforehand that im busy, stressed, anxious, etc and i might not answer asap. Do i always get it right? No, but i always try and do better and if the person has a real problem, we reassess boundaries. 

I dont expect everyone to do all that, but at the same time i never know whats going on with him and can never tell why hes not answer. Is he stressed/busy? Does he not care and is ignoring me? Like thats part of the problem as well: when i dont hear back from my friends, i just think theyre busy, they dont have the energy, etc and if they dont hear back from me, they think (or at least i hope they do) that im busy at the moment or just cant, but know ill get back to them eventually. With him, i never think that, which makes me second guess if were even friends, which makes it even harder to be his friend.

And that last part really bothers me, because im good with lowkey friendships!!!! I have friends who i dont talk to for months at a time, then we catch up for at least an hour, maybe talk a few times afterwards, then theres a lull. And im always cool with it, bc people are busy and i know were both on the same page that were friends. So in theory, id be much more ok with this friendship if he actually showed that we were like good enough friends for this. Maybe him ranting at me shows that because like, fuck dude, i know people come to me with intense problems and shit, but the fact that you didnt seem to go to anyone else first? It was also late at night and i was online so maybe that was why, maybe he did reach out to other people, idk

Because he doesnt answer, making plans is not even remotely possible. He mentioned he had tried to make plans before, but they fell through, and I believe him! But at the same time, im like how often? How often did you cancel from other people’s plans, or ghost people, etc? Because that affects whether people want to hang with you!!! Why waste your time with someone who doesnt want to do anything with you unless its their set plan, that might not even happen?

Im totally cool with people ranting at me about something, but he ended it with saying that i can rant to him any time and i literally thought lol no i cant what the fuck are you talking about. If i ever did, hed never answer. And that shit matters because, again, why bother trying to be friends with someone whos actions dont match their words? I texted him the night before the election asking if he was gonna be ok and i havent heard back. Honestly, its not that i dont care, but im also just like tired lol

Hes mentioned to me before that he has a hard time keeping friends and im just like dude, does someone have to slap you in the face with the answer? He knows he has to work on at least some of this shit, esp the texting, but he doesnt go to therapy or anything. 

Like i didnt want to hit him with all of this, but i dont know what its gonna take for him to realize this shit. The past few times weve texted, he initiated bc im literally being tired of ghosted and that last text will probably be the last time i text him first 🤷🏻‍♂️ Like i try to be as understanding as possible, and i enjoy low key friendships, esp if theyre long distance and were both busy, but Jesus, even i have my limits

And i genuinely feel bad bc hes having such a hard time with that happening, he lives in a relatively conservative area, he doesnt like his program but has to ride it out somewhat bc of his fellowship, etc. Idk, I just hope something good happens to him soon or something or he learns to like deal with this shit and maintain friends

#post from the blogger

[blackrupee]

Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in  expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it. 

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds. 

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar

#also anon ilusm i love the attention and you god bless

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 4 - “I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home.” - Joseph

Raffy

I am glad that I survived tribal. Now I just have to win this challenge for the tribe! I don't want any of my allies to go home!

Raffy

My strategy for this challenge is not to be the guesser since that only puts a target on my back if we lose. So, Joseph volunteering himself is good for my game overall. Honestly, though, I really want to win this challenge so that the stakes are even when we get down to merge. No side has more people than the other. Also, taking the path of the bear lets me know that Cormac only made that alliance for that idol path. So there is no real bond in the alliance with Joseph, Ellie, Sierra, and him. Though, I do plan on using it against him later on if we happen to be on opposite sides.

Sierra

I lost my vote for the next tribal... so I’m a bit nervous about losing. But I almost want to lose this next immunity challenge so that I’ll still have the numbers on my side. If I don’t vote at a tribal and we still have the majority, I’m less likely to go home. Later in the game, my vote will mean more. I also don’t want to throw a challenge, though, so we’ll just have to see how it goes!

Joseph Collins

I think I established some trust between the still-alive Dylan and I. Me and Justin are starting to clock. Me and Elle have a strong alliance. I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home. 

Raffy

You ever just want to organize a challenge so that your tribe can succeed, but none of them want to put in the work? I'm screaming and very frustrated.

John

so the trio is coming together, being me, cormac and zoe. we want sierra and stephen gone. stephen first, sierra second. they both have the potential to be devastating to our games come the merge. i last talked about this with them like 14 hours ago, but i’m assuming everything is the same. blindsides are becoming a necessity. and wowowowowow they are fun.

Raffy

I think we did really well on this challenge! I think we can win unless they have some sort of god taboo player on their side

Keith John

Its been a dull few days. Since we won immunity and the next challenge had ample time to be completed.

Another challenge that I couldnt compete in thanks to the time difference. Abit annoyed. As things can go in so many directions. 

1. Tribe might not be happy about my challenge contribution. 

2. The rapport built during challenges between other players will make things harder for me.

Although since im travelling soon. Il be on est soon. But I am not sure if I should let people know. As I dont know what could trigger them. Example. They might think. Il be able to play more socially and can easily be ready for future challenges like individual immunity. Hence I think for now. I should keep this info to myself and let my tribe underestimate me. Knowing that the time difference will hurt me enough to make me a so called GOAT that at the final tribal I might not have a case as I have not done enough. For now I have no choice. Hopefully i can make a few moves later.

Timmy

I’m trying to remember when the last time I confessed was so I apologize if this is a repeat. But I got what I wanted last tribal. At first people wanted Justin out rather than Dylan R and that wouldn’t have been good for me. It wasn’t difficult to get people to switch since all that had to be done was Justin say like 2 words to people to prove he’s more active than Dylan R so that was good. I hope we win the challenge, our score was good, but there’s could be better you never know until results. My fear is that Justin will go if we end up back at tribal and I’m not here for that. 

Ellie

Because of debate I wasn’t on for the challenge and I feel like shit!! I hope we won or else I’ll provably be the vote out

Sierra

Well, we lost immunity again... and this time, I don't have a vote. That means that I have to work super hard to make sure that we're all on the same page and that votes go on one person. I tried my best during the challenge, and it was super close... so even though I was in the 'hero' position, I feel like I wasn't the reason that we lost the challenge. A few of the people giving clues during the Taboo game used 'illegal words' and cost us a few points. I think we would've been tied if that didn't happen. Still, anyone could go home at this point, and all I can do is hope and pray that it isn't me. Especially since I don't have a vote!

Zoe

okay well fuck, we lost the challenge.

I was pretty confident we were going to win but I was wrong. I'm not too worried, if only because I'm pretty sure Cormac wanted us to throw the challenge anyway, and this way we can get rid of someone we don't trust, whether it be Stephen or Sierra. This way is probably better anyway, because we can say we did our best and nobody will be upset about it.

John, Cormac, and I are aligned now in a group called "The Blindsiders" and we're trying to decide whether or not we want to convince Sierra that Stephen is after them, stirring up some drama and making them seem paranoid so that everyone will vote them out. I'm not sure if we'll go through with it, but we'll see. Cormac hasn't been super active lately, but I'm hoping he comes through soon. He is my partner in crime, after all.

Maynor

Damn. That immunity was so close. 36-32. Adding the ones me stephen n zoe got subtracted. Adds like 3 so like was 36-35 which like really sucks. But hopefully ill be okay for tribal.

Raffy

I am so glad that Joseph was able to pull through with this challenge. This means I get a day where I can just socialize and chat without having to strategize. However, some of these people are hard to hold conversations with like Timmy. I feel like I am bothering him all the time too, so I have to be mindful of that. My social game does need a bit of work, but I know I can make it better. Other than that, if merge does happen now, we are going in with an even split of members from both tribes. So, it should be fine all things considered. I'm certain that someone has found the idol by now, but I do not care much about the idol hunt to worry about it. Hopefully, the person who does is on my side in the end.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/fKN_ePEVYKc

Joseph Collins

Comfy week off of tribal 😎 I made a small decision that I think made a big impact. I chose to take clues via chat instead of call. It cut down on people trying to speak over each other. And I think that helped us win. 

Stephen

So the games going eh. We’re going to tribal, which sucks, but on the other hand i feel like ive made some genuine connections. I made an alliance chat with zoe sierra maynor and john. I could take or leave john, he is nice but idk how much i trust him. The rest im putting all my game hopes on so, yeah, fingers crossed.

John

it’s not a secret, i’m going through a lot right now. i lost a coworker and my cat literally within days of each other, and i’m currently spinning thinking about the game because of everything going on personally. i already wanted stephen out, but to see that i’m number 5 in his eyes, that means he gotta go now. i ain’t coming here to be the fifth place throwaway. i do like chatting with him though, he is a nice guy. but i’m not fully in his plans moving forward. Keith JohnWell its tribal today. I had a feeling my name could come up due to being on a different timezone and having less interactions with people. I felt the same reason would be valid to target to stephen. And now I guess, Stephen himself felt that it could be used against him. So he is targeting me. I have no idea if he has any other reason

Now regarding, keep my ass safe for this tribal, I hav to keep faith with the people I made an alliance. Zoe has got my back. she also confirmed that Its I had an alliance with her n Cormac day one. I always planned to take it to final three and now I pray that they know Im honest in that promise Cormac has been busy and it looks unlikely il get to talk to him before tribal. John and sierra have said that they would do Stephen. Not Sure if Sierra is completely on board. Maynor has replied to me. 

Im gona vote Stephen and pray no one gets an itch to make a move and vote my ass off.  

Zoe

John and I have been getting closer just in general in Cormac's absence. Miss him, but I like John. Keith now trusts me implicitly, which is great. Three people on my side is better than one.

John and I have orchestrated the Stephen vote by making Sierra think it was her idea all along. Stephen came to me, Sierra, and Maynor yesterday asking to make an alliance (four votes into the game? come on) and in "oh, worm?" Sierra suggested we add John, which Stephen agreed to. He believes now that we are all voting for Keith, but everyone, even Maynor I think, will be voting for Stephen as far as I'm aware. After this, I'm pretty sure there will be a swap. I'm preparing now to talk to my new teammates, reignite old conversations, and maintain old relationships. Let's go.

John

i’m gonna flat out just say it. i 👏🏼 do 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 trust 👏🏼 sierra 👏🏼. i think they’re open to literally any idea of an alliance, and if it wasn’t for me and zoe reigning her in, they’d be voting keith off tonight. they have to go after this vote. nice person, helpful in challenges, but they’d be a quick flipper.

Sierra

Stephen approached Zoe and I to talk about building an alliance with Maynor. Of course I agreed -- you're always supposed to say yes to an alliance, even if you don't plan on going through with it. I asked if Stephen would be comfortable adding John. He said that he was, so we added John to the alliance and conversations, too. The danger of Stephen wanting to form an alliance so late in the game is that the rest of us already have an alliance. Actually, most of us already have MULTIPLE alliances. Stephen hadn't approached us until recently. That makes me worry that he wasn't thinking about alliances or building bonds until later in the game, or that he doesn't actually want bonds with us and that he's waiting for a swap so that he can jump ship. My alliance is planning to vote Stephen out for those reasons... and honestly... I can't say I disagree.

Justin

This round I just tried to lay low and build my connections up cuz of my name being brought up last tribal. Luckily, my tribe won immunity so I don’t need to worry about being voted out. Now that I know I was being talked about, I think I’m gonna have to readjust my game-plan. I’m think I should align myself with Joseph, Timmy, and Dylan because Joseph and Timmy told me my name was being brought up and Dylan and I trust Dylan more than Ellie and Raffy. I think I it’s in my best interest if Raffy goes before she does because I’m pretty sure he’s talking to the most people. His possible connections scares me and I need to get him out soon because that’s the position I want in the game. On another note, Keith is stressed that he’s probably gonna be the one voted out this round. It would suck if he does cuz I really feel like I could work with him in the future, but it might not happen. That’s why, I’m talking to more people on the other side. Cormac hasn’t responded to me since yesterday so I don’t know what’s up with him cuz I really want to work with him too. John is just having a rough time. First he talks about his coworker dying and then his cat died too and that’s just terrible to hear. I’m assuming a swap is coming after this round and I just hope I get good numbers with the people I mentioned I would like to work with.

Maynor

Im in another alliance. Omg. Its me sierra stephen and zoe. The people who worked on the challenge and also john. This was made by Stephen and its cute. That leaves out Keith and Cormac. Zoe helped kept the target off Cormac and onto Keith which is good because Cormac is part of our other alliance that doesnt include Stephen or Keith. It is good and ultimately i will be siding with Zoe because I feel like i can trust her. Still no movement with idol search and honestly its just been my back for not doing it.

Stephen

I feel like I’m going home, people are super quiet and apparently my names already been brought up :/ Ah well, been a while since my last early boot, still. Who knows wattle happen. Just a little australian humour.

Joseph Collins

I’m wondering who’s on the outs of Melrakki. I think Keith or maynor go home tonight. 

Maynor

Well looks like zoe sierra and john want Stephen out. Which i also feel like he is a threat in the game. It should be 5 on Stephen now with votes on keith and maybe a self vote for cormac. Im just hoping its true and not a plan to have me throw my vote and blindside me. If it is then i give them props because i didnt see it coming. Lets hope for Stephen going. But im so sad to do this tho.

Ellie

Life sucks, I’m glad that I have these people to connect with. I haven’t really been talking strategy much