#idk !!! ive been so motivated recently !!! I wanna PAINT !!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blakelionheart · 3 years

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Hiii future self

Soooo.. the other day I was listening to the Ace Enders, a band i really like. And they have a song called ´´Bring back love´´ that starts off saying ‘’ by the year 2020 I want to look at what we did, so we can stand up all together ...blablah ‘’.

This song made me think making a sort of lettertimecapsule to my future self could be nice. i investigated and found out this site allows schedjuling a post so that it gets automatically posted whenever you tell it to even if you actually typed it a week or a month ago (mindblowinglolz). I could just put a bunch of stuff i own in a box and bury it somewhere but...nah

Im schedjuling this to be posted 10 or so years from now. 2021 ((this will remain as a private text until it does get posted as schedjuled)

<<warning>> this is gonna be long af so grab a can of sodapop if you managed to still not have diabetes ... or coffee if you didnt...

I want to take this seriously, im planning to make an effort to express myself the best i can...

i dont even know where to start. I’ll start by talking about my life at this point

It’s April 2011, I recently turned 20. . I still havent figured out what it is i wanna do with my life. i want so many things and i feel that whatever i end up choosing to do in the next months, or year evenn , will mean i have to give up on other stuff . You cant have it all in life i guess

Im having a hard time watching adulthood approach me bahaha

My life is prretty boring right now. Summarized, I mostly spend my days studying/in class, smoking pot and chatting on msn or fb. I really wish ten years from now i still stay in contact with the people Im close with right now ... Im not usually good at that. Im too passive when it comes to hitting someone up... Saying hi first to someone gives me anxiety and even if im trying to builld up the courage, people usually end up saying hi first because i took too long lol. it worries me people misinterpret it as me not wanting to talk to them, especially when i like someone and im dying to. i should work on it

Lately I lack motivation and I find myself thinking about death alot. But I have a good feeling. Things miight start to improve. and im looking forward to visiting a good friend in Arizona.

AND also because i think i might recover the friendship I had with someone whom i feel incredibly attached to ... SO YEAH. I guess sometimes 2 people are just not meant to be, thats what i’ try to make myself believe anyway so that I could understand a little beter why things suck sometimes. Maybe it was just bad tming. Maybe it’ll work ouut in the future idk lol I’m going off topic

I don’t sleep much aeither

The rest of my friends have stayed by my side as always, and i have met some cool people recently too. I constantly meet people, online and in ‘real’ life o_o.. i don’t really make a differece between ‘real’ life and online. I mean, what is REAL anyway?

It’s been a bittersweet year for now and i think i owe the people i’ve met online who’ve given me support and good memories...I owe them because I haven’t put as much effort as i should have sometimes and i feel guilty for it. i think I should compensate and move my ass and visit some ppl.

When it comes to family, I can’t say much really... I’m only close with my cousin and younger sister. I guess i’ve been a little too problematic to have a good relationship with the rest of them. I guess I can also count in Bones as my four legged son

i’m studying psychology at University of Bristol, but haven't been doing great, and I’ve been on a short international program to Spain. In Bristol I live with my housemate Charlie in a small apartment in Cotham Vale. I don’t work and I probably should. I have done some volunteering though. ive been offered money for doing stuff here and there so many times but always feel like im asking for too much, so I end up doing it for free.

I still write and play music. i recorded a song called ‘’Prettiest paint’’ back in March and it’s pretty neat. i also recorded another three but I need to work on some editing still (vaguely know you and flowers)

Speaking of music. i wanted to include this. The music i listen to nowadays I might not listen to in the future, so just to refresh my memory,,,

My favorite bands:songs are

-Saosin -ADTR: Mr.Highway Thinking about thw End/You had me at hello -Love is A Story:If we get out, let's make out/hide and seek -Ace enders: Reaction/Over this -Hellogoodbye:Would it kill you?/Getting old -ATL:circles -Mayday Parade:Black Cat -The Color Fred; Hate to see you go/Empty house -Spill Canvas: Staplegunned - Chiodos: Baby you wouldnt last a minute -Enter Shikari: Sorry you are not a winner -BlessTheFall -Pierce the veil: I’d rather die than be famous -BMTH -AskingA -Slipknot: Psychosocail .AttackAttack:Smokahontas -EatMeWhileImHot: -Scary Kids Scaring kids -The Strokes:Under Cover of the Darkness -The Beatles...and like, a bunch more...that was exhausting, what a regrettable idea but I might appreciate it laters.

I also play a lot of videogames when i have some freetime. COD especially and League of Legends

Moving onnn...

Future self, sup?

Has the world ended yet? Maybe it ends next year and this is completely pointless

Has life changed a lot ? Where do you live now ? Are you still single ? Do you still like the same person or moved on? Is Bones still alive? Do you have a job and wat is it ? Who is president now ? Any new family members? Do I still play guitar ? Are u still terrified of butterflies? do i still have the same friends or friends at all ? do i go out more often ? can cars fly already...? What do I think of my past self? ...I’m out of questions...but whatevrr happens keep on fighting back, whatever will be will be so if any answer to these questions frutstrates you/me, maybe it’s for the best and it’s just how things have to be. deal with it

I don’t really know what else to say...so, bye. See ya later

-me

ps. If anyone finds this do let me know, i might forget about it

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incessantwhine · 2 years

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this blog stays a memento of me at my worst. and most insecure. like when im feeling pretty normal and stable this shit reads SO unhinged. goes for everyone that’s ever interacted with it too

even recent posts that are just reflections of rly bad days it’s so so transparent with hindsight that it’s all insecurity. i generally don’t buy into the like, “love urself!! girlboss queens go to therapy!! self care!!!” (because it rly is a never ending cycle of self improvement once u get down to the core beliefs of it, which might burn u out slower but will still burn u out. the motivation to constantly be better and achieve more is just the same shit behind pro-ana wrapped up in a prettier, sneakier package and a symptom of misogyny) but it just makes me sad that like…my life thus far has been painted w/ these inferiority issues and lurking baseline insecurity/safety issues. like just reading the stuff i said abt myself, or seeing photos where i was so so sick,, or even where I’m obsessing over sum1….at this point just makes me wish i could give past me a hug & reassure her that it isn’t that way forever. i feel bad for her now, as opposed to resenting her cause she didn’t go far enough or because she was telling some ultimate “ugly truth” that stable-me didn’t wanna hear.

im so glad im growing out of it in general. because…what do i rly have to be insecure abt? Like objectively? im just a person like, existing. doing pretty ok for myself all things considered. at this point it’s like yeah ive done pretty terrible things but also pretty good things too. kind of morally neutral. im not actively causing harm by just existing. so it’s baffling to see myself get into moods where I completely lose sight of that.

like, honestly? I’d much rather have my breakdowns be external than self implosions. id rather kick holes in the wall and yell at ppl than continue to destroy my brain & my body. if im gonna have a meltdown everyone else around me gets to have a bad day too. im sick of keeping this shit to myself with zero outlet besides…me. call it kindness.

i do think a part of that is tied into this budding working relationship w/ my domme. i think that therapy thru kink is valid b/c i do genuinely feel uplifted n confident when like…the “neediest” parts of myself bring pleasure to others. and the fact that i can be that vulnerable & know that a) it has no real world bearing on my ‘strength’ or ‘willpower’ or any of those things I used to fuel rly unhealthy behaviors and b) it’s not being taken advantage of in a way that Im not consenting to b/c im fully aware of the circumstances and expectations and roles.

it’s definitely not wise to put all my eggs in that particular basket (person) but in a way there is no space to do that. are they Big Feelings? ya. but that’s no longer scary at the moment. because as much as im obsessed w/ them and pine or w/e; having a formal transactional aspect to it is much easier than trying to navigate that without it. it’s a relief. those boundaries are super comfortable; not obstacles or something to push against. it’s clarity. at the end of the day it’s just for fun, and part of the fun is connecting w/ someone in an emotionally safe way. any lingering codependent tendencies i have literally just don’t have room to make themselves present; and that takes away the second-guessing and over analyzing of my motivations & actions. like. the acknowledgement of the fact that either of us can stop at any point for any reason and it WILL be respected is so much more upfront & blunt & clear than the messiness that comes w/ how relationships typically go down. there is no “so…what are we?” talks. the insecurity IS it’s own security in a kind of way.

idk. much to think about.

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3blr · 7 years

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i got a nectar collector recently but that’s irrelevant

lately ive been feeling so fucking low. i have been basically channeling my inner thoughts around my future which gives me intense anxiety and it’s even fucking up my dreams

i’ve been dreaming that im killing myself with a knife by slicing my throat/stabbing it and each time i sliced or stabbed it felt good. it felt like sex almost. soooo good. idk what the FUCK that means. i wake up feeling fine and not suicidal but in my dreams all i try to do is kill myself. i used to be really depressed and suicidal but idk why these dreams keep showing up. the rest of the day i just feel like i’m in a panic mode but im also exhausted and it fucking BLOWS. i wish i had more hobbies to distract my mind from all this nonsense going on in my head but nothing interests me anymore lol im too depressed that all i do is smoke herb. there are so many things i have to get done in such a small amount of time and i’m just freaking out because idk how i can handle all of this haha

to be quite honest however i did not have any fucked up dreams last night and today is actually going quite well. the past few days fucking sucked lol. but i got a lot of shit accomplished today and i got plans later tonight too. gonna be lit.

idk what this post was supposed to be about honestly but i think journaling is therapeutic and since nobody knows who i am on this blog and i only have 11 followers, i feel better about posting this kind of stuff. lately i’ve been realizing that i’ve gotten really out of art and drawing and painting and stuff like that and it makes me really fucking upset because i wanna get back into it sooo bad but i just don’t have the motivation to anymore... but when i do actually paint or draw i never end up liking it because i haven’t drawn/painted in so long... so obviously i would get worse at it. i’m sad as fuck about that. same thing when it comes to photography.. i’m a fucking joke.

my mood swings are out of control ....... i fucking hate it. i’m not bipolar just, ugh..... idk man. im high. and i’m a fucking depressed and anxious person.

if you read this far i’m really thankful. i hope you have a wonderful day, i send out happiness and good vibes.

much love

#personal #long post

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