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kinglivv · 1 year

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Seventy Years

Missy x Reader

Summary: Missy and the reader used to run together, wreaking havoc across the universe. But since Missy’s entrapment in the vault, they haven’t had an ounce of contact…

Warnings: Swearing, generally threatening behaviour from both parties

A/N: I haven’t posted a fic in a year and half, but today I sat down and forced myself to write after Missy popped up in a dream of mine very briefly. I’m not sure if there’s still even an audience for it, and my writing skills are a bit rusty as well as my Doctor Who knowledge. Enjoy!

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

This was bad.

You grab the TARDIS leaver for what must be the hundredth time and slam it down to no avail. The ship creaks slightly, but as you desperately press buttons and turn knobs, it doesn’t budge. Why, why, why had you never got the Doctor to teach you how to fly it properly?

Catching your breath, you slump against the console, it’s edge digging into your lower back as you stare at the wall blankly, racking your brain for a solution. Psychic link? No - you hadn’t done that in years and you weren’t in the mood for a migraine. Search for a manual? No - you’d spend days just searching for it. Ask the ship nicely? Definitely no - she was a bitch.

There was simply no one but the Doctor who knew how to fly the TARDIS, and when the Doctor was stranded on another planet in another time zone, there wasn’t a whole lot you could do to get back to him.

And then another idea spawns. It makes your guts twist and your stomach crawl and you grit your teeth. You were smart, even for a human, and you knew there was really no other solution.

—-

“Missy?”

There’s silence from the other side of the door and you almost turn back. This is a bad idea.

“Missy?”

“This is an unusual place to find you, dear,”

The Glasgow accent cuts through tension like an ice pick, so clear, crisp and steady, just as it’s always been. You swallow.

“I need your help.”

More silence. And then the voice is right there on the other side, so close.

“Ah. Should have known you’d only come down here if you wanted something.”

“The Doctor’s on Mars,” you power on, squeezing your eyes shut and pretending you’re speaking to anyone but her, “sometime in the 1800s. There’s Ice Warriors and Victorians, and I was in the TARDIS and it just - it just dematerialised and it won’t go back to him. I don’t know what to do.”

There’s a pause as she contemplates your predicament. You haven’t uttered the question, but she knows exactly what you’re asking.

“Have taken any readings?” She finally asks.

“Yes,” a hurried hand pulls out the piece of paper you’d scrawled over, “Eye of harmony’s at 260 degrees Celsius. Oils at 350. Pressure’s at 7.”

“Good girl,” you can hear a smile in her voice and your cheeks flare up.

“So do you know what’s wrong with it?” You almost snap.

“You’re not gonna be able to fix it, I’ll tell you that much,”

“So what do I do?”

“You let me out.”

—

The vault doors open with a hiss and there she stands, silhouetted in the dim blue light and cutting the most dashing figure. There’s a tap tap tap of her heels as she approaches you, a smug smile on her face. She’s changed since you last saw her, maybe seventy years ago now. Her make-up’s softer, her hair less tamed, and her smile is somewhat half hearted. The mania’s still there though, in the whites of her eyes and down the line of her cheek bone.

She reaches you and takes a brief glance around the hallway. It’s the most she’s seen of Bristol since her entrapment in the vault. And then there’s a click and she looks down in time to see a handcuff slotting around her wrist. The other side is on yours. She looks to your other hand and sees a… pencil and she grins. She’d taught you decades ago just how easy it was to kill a Timelord with even the smallest of sharp objects - just one nip at the back of the neck and they’re forced into their next regeneration. The sight of it in your hand makes her heart flutter and her stomach sink.

“I see how it is,” she fakes the bravado and you see right through it.

Without a word, you give the chain a yank and she follows you silently.

—-

“No funny business,” you instruct her as you approach the TARDIS console, although you know it’s a useless sentiment. She could pull the leaver and shove you into a black hole within seconds if she so pleased. But she’d allowed you the luxury of obediently walking up to the Doctor’s office without so much as a word, save for the moment when she’d grabbed your hand as someone passed by you in an effort to hide the handcuffs. Your heart had caught in your throat and you’d hoped she couldn’t feel it hammering away.

Now, stood in the TARDIS, she looks at you with an eyebrow raised.

“As if I’d ever!” She mocks offense. “Mars 1810, you said?”

“Yes,” you reply, and your arm is forced to move with her as she reaches for different buttons. You’re uncomfortably close. “Coordinates 29487 by 74,” you say unprompted when her hands hover over the keyboard expectantly, and it makes your stomach twist with how easily you fall back into this routine after seventy years of virtually no contact. Memories surface of you decades ago, pressed up against her as you whisper all the places you wanted her to take you.

She types in the coordinates and twists a vast variation of knobs and presses buttons you’d never had thought needed pressing. Just before she pulls the leaver, you say “Wait.” and pull the monitor over, double checking she’s taking you exactly where she’s promised. You neglect to notice how she’s looking at you.

“You really don’t believe I’ve changed,” her shoulders have slumped slightly and you glance at her.

“Is that supposed to make me feel something?” you say passively, attention shifting back to the monitor.

Missy’s jaw clenches.

“Seventy years,” she states.

“Seventy years is nothing compared to the hundreds you’ve spent wreacking havoc.”

“I seem to remember you were present for quite a bit of that,” she retorts, “you could have visited me at any point. I know you’ve been living in Bristol,l.”

You ignore the thinly veiled accusation and scroll through the monitor. She was right though. You’d been here this whole time, posing as a student (you’d acquired almost thirty degrees in your decades spent here with the Doctor) and living a normal human life, avoiding the Mistress and waiting for her to change.

And then she yanks the cuffs and you’re dragged into her with an “oof!”

“You know what I think it is,” she hisses, “I think you like to pretend we’re different, like those years we spent together didn’t happen.”

“Missy, stop!” You struggle against her but she holds you fast.

“Does it never occur to you that I might be trying? And that your ignoring me for seventy years might be having a detrimental impact on that?“

“I wanted to know if you’re serious about this,” you snap back, the threat leaking into your voice and there you are, she almost wants to smile with glee. You were never really scared, least of all of her and you still had that bite in you. “Me and you are no good for each other if you’re really going cold turkey from being bad. Civilisations have burned because we’ve egged each other on, and the fact is that you can’t get better when I’m in the picture. Not when you could persuade me to break you out, or teach me how to force the Doctor into his next regeneration. We’re not good for each other and that’s a well known fact - I’ve not been avoiding you, I’ve been waiting.”

Missy’s face softens in surprise and you wonder if maybe you’ve gone to far. Maybe she’ll really sling you into a black hole now. Her mouth opens but before she can say anything, you’ve snapped off the cuffs and yanked the lever down. The TARDIS wheezes and you storm off to stand at the doors and wait whilst she’s left to pilot to a safe position on Mars.

—

You’re in trouble with the Doctor, you’re well aware. You’d apologised profusely when he’d stepped on board and his ever expressive eyebrows had knotted so deeply in her direction. There was a silence as he’d quickly dropped a shaking Bill home, and now he’d stepped out to drop Nardole off in his office - they had been out there a while and where presumably having an argument about the current predicament.

Missy however, sits unbothered by it all, tucked into a little alcove off one of the upper walkways circling the console room. She’s reading a book on TARDIS maintenance.

She glances up when you sit down opposite in the alcove.

“You’re right,” you announce, “and I’m sorry.”

Usually she’d retort with an “I’m always right!”, but today she just watches you, waiting, her cheekbones hollow in the soft light of the TARDIS, her eyes so blue. It occurs to you that you haven’t really seen her in a long time. Sure, the Doctor had occasionally showed you a photo of her, updated you on her progress, but this is the first time you’d really looked at her since you’d gone cold turkey from your friendship.

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited you,” you say, “and I should have. I guess I’ve just been… scared. And after I went so long without seeing you it was just easier to pretend none of it never happened.”

She nods, gaze shifting to the pillar in the centre of the TARDIS. “I am trying,” she confesses, “some days are better than others, but in whole… I think I really am trying,”

“I know you are.”

You lean over and press a kiss to her lips. A proper one, and it strikes you how familiar it is, how easily you fall back into your old pattern. You’re made for each other really, in body, mind and soul and you hold her jaw as she kisses back eagerly, not daring to move her hands from her book, frozen in the moment.

And then the door swings open - the Doctor’s definitely seen it, and the Doctor’s definitely not happy, but you turn away from Missy and push past him. A new chapter seems to be beginning.

(Will add my old taglist when i can find it)

#doctor who #the master #missy x reader #missy #gomez!master #michelle gomez #madam satan #the twelfth doctor #nardole #bill potts #peter capaldi #gender neutral reader #reader insert #doctor who fic #the vault #empress of mars #ice warriors

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timeagainreviews · 7 months

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The Monster Makeovers of Modern Who

With Halloween just around the corner, I thought I would get back into the swing of things and talk about some monsters! No, not Rishi Sunak. Of course, I mean the monsters we actually enjoy! Daleks! Cybermen! And other horrors from the beyond that don’t try and turn trans people into scapegoats for their lack of policy. They say what you really mean- EXTERMINATE! Honesty, transparency, efficiency. Words so alien these days they belong only in Doctor Who! Mr Sunak, you’re so vain. You probably think this blog is about you. But it’s really about fashion. Specifically- makeovers!

I’ve been interested in filmmaking ever since Levar Burton took us to the set of Star Trek on Reading Rainbow. Like Doctor Who, “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” had its own makeover to attempt. They needed to establish a new look from the original series, while still implying continuity. Whole teams came together to reimagine the look of the ship’s interior, the look of the aliens, both classic and new, and even how the characters should dress. It’s truly inspiring to see these crews at work. These passionate people did their best with the available budget and resources. That said, I plan to deconstruct some of the makeovers of modern Doctor Who villains on an aesthetic and (at times) narrative level. It’s just a bit of levity for the horrors of Halloween, so let’s have some fun.

While the topic of updating classic baddies remains subjective, I’d like to think I’ve highlighted ways in which it can be objective. There are no hard rules to the process, but perhaps there are guidelines. I’ve noted a list of classic Doctor Who monsters that have since returned in the new series to discuss which designs I feel were successful and which ones missed the mark. Some of the criticisms I express will already be known to you. The Paradigm Daleks were notoriously reviled amongst fans. But hopefully. some of my opinions may surprise you. I’ve decided to exclude certain redesigns like the Movellans due to their lack of screen time. And while the Ood and Minotaur are cousins of the Sensorites and Nimon respectively, they’re technically not a proper redesign. I will however be covering the cousins of the Silurians- Homo-Reptilia, as they are very much meant to serve the same purpose. I’m presenting this list in alphabetical order, but some creatures will be listed together as a subspecies of another. Buckle up because this is going to be a long one!

Autons

As a child growing up in 90s Kansas, one of my favourite places to visit was the mall. The mall my grandpa used to take me to was known for its extravagant features. One of my favourite things, however, was a clothing store that used mannequins that interacted with the space around them. I don’t mean they moved, but rather that they were dynamically posed. My favourite leaned against the shop window with the palm of its hand. I had never seen that sort of display before. It made them feel as though they were merging into the real world. They were hip if not a touch creepy. I couldn’t tell you the name of the store, but I remember those mannequins. And aside from a granite finish, they looked like the Autons from 2005’s debut episode “Rose.”

Had the Autons returned looking like 70’s mannequins, they would still look creepy. But it would evoke more of a kitschy retro shop than something from a London high street. The creepiness of the Autons isn’t anachronistic, but rather in being timely. The less we notice them, the better. They wear their mundanity like a tiger wears stripes. You only noticed it move when it’s ready. This is a roundabout way for me to say they are brilliantly redesigned. They look modern, and you wouldn’t even notice them if you weren’t predisposed to Doctor Who. They’re exactly the featureless dummy you expect to see in a shop window. The moment their hand gun opens, you would be taken by complete surprise.

A benefit of the Autons coming first alphabetically is that it allows me an opportunity early on to address performance. Because like they say- looks aren’t everything. A Doctor Who baddie is so much more than a costume. And a minor sticking point for me is that the Autons can seem as though they hired a bunch of pop-lockers to stand around in sweaty suits. I’m reminded of the movie theatre scene from “Human Traffic,” where the employees mechanically go about their work. It’s a small grievance, but I wish they would have created a less familiar form of movement than the robot. They’re a hivemind and yet each dancer is doing their own form of popping. I know it costs time and money to do, but it would have been cool to see those dancers come up with a more alien system of movement. It’s not as though the ballet dancers chosen to portray the Weeping Angels were performing pirouettes.

This problem persisted into the Moffat era with Roman Autons. While they were under the impression that they were human, they moved about and spoke like humans. But the moment the Nestine consciousness takes root, their bodies move into a sort of robotic marching. Suddenly whirring can be heard from alien actuators and servos that make no sense for living plastic. Once again, it feels as though they would rather speak in a familiar voice of filmmaking than create one. We all know that little android sounds and robotic movements mean they’re mindless automatons, hell it’s the root of Auton. But the idea of living plastic is so much weirder than a robot. I would love to see them lean more into that.

Cybermen/Cybermats/10th Planet Cybermen

Having started my foray into Doctor Who with Paul McGann and then moving on to the 2005 series, most of the baddies on this list were brand new to me. When I did finally work my way to classic Doctor Who, I was a bit surprised to find the early Cybermen leaned more into the “men,” aspect of their name. Not only were they more articulate than repeating “Delete,” ad nauseum, but their bodies were less robotic. They moved like men. The Cybermen may be the first time I looked at a Doctor Who villain and thought “Oh the old versions were much better.”

This isn’t to say that I disliked the RTD Cybermen, but rather, I find classic Cybermen more effective. While the Cybus Cybermen felt dangerous and militaristic, they lack the humanity present in the Tenth Planet Cybermen. They remind me of the zombies from Return of the Living Dead- they’re smarter, faster, and they feel like the reanimated body of a dead person. You do get glimpses of this in these Cybermen, like in “The Pandorica Opens,” where you see a Cyberhead open to reveal a rotting human skull. The glimpses of the conversion process also imply a deeper dread of body horror.

I would argue that the Moffat era understood the walking dead aspect of the Cybermen better than the Davies era. In “Dark Water/Death in Heaven,” Moffat even pays homage to Return of the Living Dead by reanimating a graveyard of corpses with tainted rain. By this time, the look of the Cybermen had been streamlined from their Cybus look to their svelt “Nightmare in Silver,” look. I liked this redesign as it reminded me of the 80’s Cybermen with their silver space boots. They look more like men than robots. This slimmed-down look was realised even further in the Chibnall era, while also going for a more classic head style. As much as that era of the show disappointed me, its Cybermen were fantastic.

Not every Cyberman update aimed to reinvent their look, however. The updated look for the Tenth Planet Cybermen in “World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls,” merely added detail to their original appearance. Much like the Type 40 TARDIS the 12th Doctor steals from Gallifrey, the idea was to modernise the look for the high-definition cameras of the modern age. Because of this, these Cybermen may be my favourite of the modern era. It was a risky choice to change their bare hands to flesh-tone gloves, but I understand the decision. I had always liked that the Tenth Planet Cybermen’s hands were bare skin. Historically, hands are one of the hardest things to reproduce in robotics. It also felt that the Cybermen’s hands were the last remaining vestige of their humanity. None of this is lost with the inclusion of gloves. These Cybermen are a nightmare to behold. They languish in physical pain, calling out for solace. The conversion process is still traumatic and bloody. They are horrific.

Another element of the Cybermen that was updated for the new series were the Cybermats. The look of the Cybermats, much like the Cybermen, has always changed, so it’s hard to feel too precious about a redesign. And their appearance in “Closing Time,” is no different. I’ve always liked the look of the modern Cybermat. Their eye shape is a pleasing nod to the Cybermen’s eyes while also calling back to their original appearance. Their segmented tails give an armoured appearance which evokes small creatures like armadillos and insects. My only real complaint about these little munchers would be their very organic teeth. I always figured the “mat” part of their name was meant to be a play on “rat,” so if you were to give them teeth at all, why not rat teeth? What tiny creature was converted to make these little abominations? In the classic series, I never really thought of Cybermats having anything organic about them. You could argue that the Cybermats from “Revenge of the Cybermen,” were snakelike, but I never really thought of them as organic. Regardless, I’m now trolling eBay for one of the 1:1 replicas they sold.

Daleks/Davros

Before their return in 2005, the Daleks made the briefest of cameos in the 1996 Doctor Who TV Movie, sort of. Since we only ever hear their voices, we have no idea what the Daleks would have looked like. Judging by those voices, it’s safe to say they probably would have been a bit of a departure from their general appearance throughout classic Doctor Who. Especially when you consider that adaptations in the ‘90s were known to go for new extremes in design. That’s not to say they would have been bad. The Eighth Doctor’s cathedral-like TARDIS interior was a far cry from the brightly lit round things of the ‘80s TARDISes, and it’s probably my favourite interior. But there is no denying it would be challenging to redesign the universe’s most iconic monsters.

By this measure, I consider the black and bronze Daleks of the RTD era to be a stonking success. Their redesign is mostly effective because it doesn’t aim to reinvent the wheel. It maintains the overall silhouette of the Dalek in a way that makes it immediately recognisable. The changes we do see feel utilitarian, lending these Daleks a tanky quality. You can imagine these Daleks as a product of war. They’re reinforced for battle and feel powerful. Honestly, zero notes. I can’t find a single area for improvement. They even look good in other colours and attachments. Even the mutant inside the casing was given some much-needed continuity in appearance. Where the mutant of the classic series often changed in appearance, it’s now established that Daleks are one-eyed brain squids under all that metal. Simple as can be. No need to change anything.

Enter the Paradigm Daleks. As I said above, the Paradigm Daleks aren’t exactly well-received by the fandom, and not without good reason. I’ve seen at least four different Mighty Morphin’ Power Daleks mash-ups of their big reveal in “Victory of the Daleks.” But is being a big colourful hate machine that bad? I will admit, their silhouette is a bit chonky, giving them bumble-bee bums. But their eye stalks look lethal and their voice modulation fills me with dread down to my stomach. The creepy goat eye nestled in the end of an eyestalk that looks like it would cut to the touch is a great change. I also really like the idea of them having different roles indicated by colour rank. What the hell is an Eternal Dalek? I still want to know.

The biggest issue with the Paradigm Dalek redesign is that unlike it’s predecessor, it seems to miss what is actually scary about Daleks. For starters, Daleks have no concept of elegance, so why the clean lines on the casing? Those neck louvres (that’s what I’m calling them), are far too stylised. Gone is their tank-like appearance, save for their brutal eyestalks. They made them taller as to appear more formidable, which further bolsters why they miss the mark. If you can’t make an hate-filled monster covered in armour scary, the problem isn’t height, it’s writing. Also, we stan a short king in this house.

It’s hard to take the Chibnall-era Dalek redesigns too seriously, because neither of them ever felt like they were meant to be permanent. One was meant to look like a Dalek made of scrap metal, because it was, while the other was the bi-product of two evil forces- the Daleks and the Tories. The “Revolution” Daleks do look a bit like a bootleg toy of a Dalek you could win at a fun fair. Or the result of an AI prompt for the word Dalek. Regardless, they’re fit for purpose and don’t affect my opinion one way or the other. If they had stuck around, I may feel a bit different.

Not to be excluded from the redesign process is the Daleks’ crazed creator- Davros. By the end of the classic era, Davros had a bit of a Rickety Cricket thing going where every time we see him, he’s progressively more mutilated. In the end, he was just a Futurama-style head in a jar. The Davros of the new series is back to a more classic silhouette. His one arm has returned as a cybernetic limb, while the other remains suspiciously under his keyboard. Typing one-handed eh Dave? He’s been given some gimp leather to wear, and his chair has taken on the same armoured look of the Davies Daleks. Much like the mutant inside the casing, Davros has been given a baseline appearance and it's an effective one. Couple that with Julian Bleach’s perfect performance, and you’ve got another success.

Ice Warriors

Who doesn’t love a good Ice Warrior? They’re forever cool (no pun intended). While not always villainous, they are fierce and formidable. They’re also a bit weird. The original Ice Warriors stood taller than your average Doctor Who alien. And there is something about their deep green carapace that feels believable. These battle-hardened reptiles wore their outer shells like armour. At the joints of these plated segments sprang tufts of fur. From a costuming perspective, these patches would have been used to hide seams and add points of visual interest for the average black-and-white television. From a narrative perspective, the hair only added to their weirdness. In short, I like the classic Ice Warriors very much.

The Ice Warriors are also the first classic baddie redesign I had to wait to see. By the time I had started watching Doctor Who, Matt Smith was filming series six. The Ice Warriors don’t make their return until series seven, which gave me ample opportunity to imagine what they would look like. What we got was bang on what I had hoped for. They leaned into the weird and won in a big way. When “Cold War,” aired, there was a bit of contention about the reveal of an Ice Warrior outside of its armour. Perhaps it’s because their helmets possess a sort of Judge Dredd quality that in turn causes people to think you can’t show Ice Warriors without their helmets. But they’re going full Stallone and it’s fine. Dare I say it’s even a bit cool?

A sticking point for me on the redesign was the lack of their stupid Lego Minifigure hands, which I love. But when you see their long skinny fingers reaching with their claws out, you might need to give the suit some fingers as well. Their reptilian aspects are also celebrated in their redesign. The Empress is a ferocious take on the look of the commander rank Ice Warriors. I said in my review of “Empress of Mars,” that the guns that turn people into cubes were a bit silly, and I still feel that way. And sure, I would have appreciated the odd "Ssss," at the beginning of an S word. But in the end, they allowed the Ice Warriors to shine for what they are, and that’s all that matters.

The Macra

One of my least favourite Pokémon designs is Raichu. You have Pikachu, an almost perfect marriage of form and cuteness. How do you improve on such a design? You can’t. This is why Raichu’s little curly-Q ear tufts and embellished lines look less like an evolution, and more like someone who didn’t know how to stop drawing Pikachu. Or when to stop spelling bananana. You just can’t improve on perfection. Now you’re probably wondering two things right now-

Why the drive-by on Raichu?

What does this have to do with the Macra?

To answer the second question- “absolutely nothing.” And that’s the point. There was no perfection to mess up in the case of the Macra. The originals looked like a pile of playground equipment. The only place to go was up. First order on the list- does it look like a giant crab? Yes. List over.

Changing the Macra by devolving them into dumb beasts only adds to this winning revamp. Why were they at the bottom of the motorway of New New York? Had their nefarious plot backfired reducing them to mere monsters? It’s a great little incorporation of characters lesser showrunners would have called "embarrassing." I love the Macra. I love that they didn’t overdo the Macra. I love that they don’t tell us everything. Whatever crab rave they had going on down there will be lost to time. Or until Big Finish takes a crack at it.

The Mara

I will admit, this one is a bit of a cheat. It’s one of two on this list that you may think of as a cheat. But hey, they brought the Mara back in the web short “The Passenger,” for the season 20 Blu-ray release. I’m counting it! I’m also counting it because the Mara have been updated not once, but twice to a modern CGI standard. Plus it gives me a chance to talk about “Snakedance,” which I will always relish.

The practice of replacing old footage with newer CGI is not without its detractors. George Lucas released the special edition of the original Star Wars trilogy in 1997 and people are still arguing about it. I’m in two minds about it myself. I like some of the changes they’ve made to Star Wars, ‘60s Star Trek, and even Doctor Who. I dream of the day when they take a crack at Babylon 5. But it also has its limitations. I would be upset if they updated the model shots of Scaroth’s ship in “City of Death.” But in the case of a goofy pink snake puppet? Fine by me.

That is not to say I don’t find the snake puppets of both “Kinda,” and “Snakedance,” charming. They certainly are. But they’re also so very distracting. There’s the suspension of disbelief and then there’s the stifling of laughter. If you can get past the snake, you will see both “Kinda,” and “Snakedance,” for what they are- some of the best of Classic Doctor Who. The CGI snake does exactly that and nothing more. It’s not even a fancy CGI model. Someone probably downloaded a rattlesnake asset and coloured it pink, and that’s absolutely fine. It’s another Macra situation. Does it look more “snake,” than “snek?” Yes. List over.

The Nestine Consciousness

In the words of Vito Corleone- “Look how they massacred my boy!” Ok, maybe massacred is a bit harsh. But even by series one standards, that CGI pool of molten plastic is pretty damn awful. I say this with a handful of caveats. Yes, this was essentially a pilot for the relaunch of the series. Yes, the production crew was brand new. No, the budget wasn’t huge. You could probably list more reasons, but my point is made. They did their best.

I don’t need to ask why an amorphous blob was easier to depict than a giant space squid. Hell, it was too expensive in the '70s. We only ever saw it’s tentacles back then! I had to use Andrew Skilleter’s illustration from the Target novelisation of “Terror of the Autons.” Mostly because the show never shows the entire squid and also because Skilleter owns! But the kid who grew up on ‘90s Nickelodeon and Beetlejuice in me will never think of a pool of goo as an upgrade from a space squid. It’s just not gonna happen.

As returning readers may have noticed, in the “rad vs. trad,” debate, I have always sided with rad. I like Doctor Who a bit weird. So weird that I am arguing that something is weirder than a glowing vat of sentient plastic. But here I am. The beauty is that RTD explained the change as a devolved form of the Nestine Consciousness. Maybe it was temporary. The squid may return yet! Furthermore, Doctor Who audiences have been watching Talking Tree and Raccoon movies in the intervening years. People are more open to weird these days. Add a bigger budget and we may see the comeback of the cosmic cephalopod!

Rutans

This is the other entry on this list that you may feel is a bit of a cheat. The above illustration on the right comes from an official Doctor Who video game titled “The Gunpowder Plot.” It is a redesign of the Rutan Host for the Matt Smith era. Seeing as their new design is meant to represent the style of the modern series, I’m counting it.

As redesigns go, this one had a lot of wiggle room. Usually only mentioned by name, the only time we ever got to see a Rutan onscreen was “The Horror of Fang Rock.” Throughout most of the story, the Rutan looks like a quenelle of green jelly sloughing slowly up the stairs of a lighthouse. When I was five, my trip to Cocoa Beach was cut short due to an outbreak of jellyfish. The one I almost stepped on with my bare foot looked a lot like that. It’s not hard for me to imagine a little green blob as dangerous.

It feels almost too perfect then that the Rutan redesign would land somewhere in the vicinity of a jellyfish. While they are capable of shapeshifting, tentacles do add to their base physical prowess. You can imagine one of them holding their own against a Sontaran. You can imagine one wrapped around one of their potato noggins and it being lights out. Whoever worked on that game has done the show a favour if they ever bring the Rutans back. Green electric jellyfish will do just fine.

Sea Devils

Back when I reviewed “Legend of the Sea Devils,” I mused that it followed the tradition of Sea Devils stories being “not very interesting.” So it came as a bit of a shock to me back in June when Doctor Who Magazine readers ranked it the eighth-best story of the Pertwee era. What were they seeing that I wasn’t? Because by my standards, it’s about two episodes too long. My thought is that people love it mainly for two reasons- cool vehicles and the Sea Devils themselves. Much like the St Paul’s Cathedral shot from “The Invasion,” the shot of the Sea Devils emerging from the sea is doing most of the heavy lifting. Such is the legacy of effective imagery.

The element of the Sea Devils’ look that has aged the poorest has to be their netted tunics. They look dingy and cheap. I imagine on some level, they helped, as Adam Savage would say, “hide the crimes,” of the costume department. The costumes weren’t playing on camera so maybe they added the netting. I’m just speculating here. After all, their cousins, the SIlurians, walked around in the buff. The next time we see the Sea Devils in “Warriors of the Deep,” they’re decked out in a sort of Samauri attire. Just because they lived underwater doesn’t mean the Sea Devils were unaffected by Feudal Japan. Nobody seems to have cared about this change in costuming. Or perhaps they were busy recoiling from the Myrka. The Silurians remained true to their nudist lifestyle.

Other than the Daleks and the Weeping Angels with Paul Dano’s face of the Chibnall era, I rather liked most of its character redesigns. I particularly liked the Sea Devils. I like that they kept their big fishy eyes and turtle beaks. And did you catch that adorable Baby Sea Devil from “Defenders of Earth?” That thing looks like a cross between Grogu and my own pet tortoise and I would kill for it. Like the Dalek update of the Davies era, they kept the silhouette intact and simply gave it a more believable appearance. Are the eyes a bit more cartoony? Yes. Is that fantastic? Also yes.

The major change to the look of the Sea Devils are their costumes. They’re a sort of mash-up of Asian influences with little references to the netting of their first appearance. If you’re a big fan of the Sea Devils, I think it would be hard to complain about their appearance here. Their bismuth-encrusted swords are a nice addition (just don’t let them touch your skin). You can imagine them as swashbuckling monsters who once ruled the sea. Now if only someone could come along and give them a proper adventure to star in!

Silurians

Much like the Royal Family, Doctor Who writers get a lot of leeway out of the word “cousin.” It covers a multitude of sins. Such is the case when dealing with the Silurians and their cousins- Homoreptila. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-it line of dialogue that I unfortunately missed the first time around. I was too busy blinking in disbelief at how depressing Broadchurch with lizards could be. It wasn’t until revisiting the two-part story “The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood,” that I finally heard the line explaining the discrepancy.

Why that matters is that it’s the reason I had a two-year chip on my shoulder about the Silurian redesign. This isn’t to say I thought they looked bad. The makeup job on the modern Silurians is very good. They just don’t look like Silurians. It bothered me because one of the things I liked about Doctor Who is that it often set itself apart from Star Trek. Star Trek aliens are more often than not- rather humanoid. This has always felt like a storytelling device more than anything. Less makeup equals more of the actor’s performance shining through. Doctor Who, on the other hand, asks its viewers to see something relatable in something inhuman. You can still make this complaint against “The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood,” because it does feel like they wanted you to see the human inside the Silurian costume. They couldn’t resist the Spielbergian desire to give the lizards soulful human eyes.

Any design change seems to stem directly from this need, so it feels difficult to judge them otherwise. Even their dehumanising masks were more of a measure to save money on facial prosthetics, though they do add an air of mystery. Those black-eyed masks were downright exciting until they took them off to reveal a very human face. Had they gone with those masks as their faces, I might have been able to overlook the exclusion of their third eye. It would have been very easy to modernise as well. Many reptiles and amphibians have what is known as a parietal eye on top of their heads. They can even sense fluctuations in light. Incorporating one into the design would have been very easy. That said, the ridges on their heads are in keeping with their original design and very striking. Especially on Madame Vastra.

Along with their masks, these Silurians are different in that they are no longer nudists. They now wear clothes. It makes sense that they did this. Their new humanoid appearance makes clothing essential. No need to adapt “The Lusty Argonian Maid,” for television. The costumes aren’t bad either. The netting feels like yet another call-back to their other cousins- the Sea Devils. Even their new guns do a good job echoing the disc-shaped guns the Sea Devils carried but with the aesthetics of the modern era. All in all, this redesign is fine, but I still yearn to see a proper Silurian in the modern style.

Sontarans

Tumblr user “zagreus-eats-your-bread,” once said of the Chibnall era Sontarans- “Big fan of the redesign. They finally look like absolute shit again. He looks like a knee.” While to some, that sounds like faint praise, I couldn’t agree with their sentiment more. The Sontarans looked awful in classic Doctor Who and I love them for that. There was something unsettling about the way Linx’s tongue would pulsate in “The Time Warrior.” The whiskers poking from his brow and mottled face only added to his vile appearance. His helmet towered over others as he sized them up. A striking foe if there ever was one.

It’s odd then, that the Davies era decided to make the Sontarans squat in stature. They even explain that it is due to the high gravity of Sontar that they’re so short. Their bodies developed for load-bearing. It made sense narratively and wasn’t really a problem. Like I said above- we stan a short king. The problems arose sometime in the Moffat era. The Sontarans had gone from dynamite in a small package to comic relief. I hesitate to blame Strax, but he is when this started to happen.

Cynicism is likely the cause. Writers looked at the Sontarans and said “Ha, potato head and a short body!” One of the fiercest races in Doctor Who history was reduced to an army too stupid to realise that an invisible tank left them completely visible inside. It’s like when people think of the Daleks as embarrassing because they look like pepper pots and completely ignore the fact that they’re also genocidal maniacs. This is why I appreciated Chris Chibnall’s desire to add some ferocity back into the Sontarans. Their stature had returned to that of the classic look, which is fine. Unlike the Daleks, there was a precedent for a tall Sontaran. And yes, they looked like shit again. We could see the Sontarans as a threat once more. Oh, they’re stuck in an off-license eating chocolate like Augustus Gloop? Oh. Right.

Time Lords

I hemmed and hawed about whether I should include these guys or not. Do I add the Master while I’m at it? But in the end, many Time Lords are monsters and they too received a makeover. Though it isn’t much of one. In fact, I once read that aspects of their costumes were reused from the classic series. You could argue that their biggest redesign happened somewhere between their first appearance in “The War Games,” and “The Deadly Assassin.” They started out looking like a cult that formed in the basement of an Apple Store. But somewhere along the line, they got seriously into collars. It was the ‘70s after all. People’s shirts were 30% collar back then.

Sadly, while the overall look of the ‘70s Time Lords carried on into the modern era, they abandoned their love for colour. Rassilon being the Regina George of Time Lord society decided that we only wear red on Wednesdays. And seeing as they’re time travellers, it’s always Wednesday somewhere! So the Time Lords left their saffron and purple robes at the cleaners. Even the citizens of Gallifrey are shown in “The Day of the Doctor,” wearing variations of red and white. Everyone fell in line and fashion suffered.

When we see the Time Lords in “The Timeless Children,” they’re now wearing very stylish Cyberman headgear. Their red hoods have now been replaced with gold numbers laser-cut with Gallifreyan writing. I would call it a fashion breakthrough if not for the fact that everyone was still decked out in drab silver. I don’t want to see the Time Lords again until they take a page from the Fifteenth Doctor’s book and learn to diversify their wardrobe. Yas hunty! Werk!

Zygons

If you’ve not been to Neil Cole’s Museum of Classic Sci-fi in Hexham, you should do yourself a favour and change that. It’s a great day out, and if you’re lucky, Neil might even be available to chat. Something I learned when talking to Neil is that he has some rather strong opinions about the redesign of the Zygons. Primarily, their head shape. Throughout this article, I’ve praised some of the redesigns for their adherence to the basic silhouette of the baddies. If you were to show me either version of a Zygon in a silhouette I would identify them both as Zygons, but dammit Neil, you’re right. The head just isn’t right.

Initially, I thought it was the mouth shape, which is definitely different. When they redesigned the Zygons for “The Day of the Doctor,” my thought was “What happened to their kitty cat faces?” You may not see it, but I have always looked at classic Zygons and thought “Aw, there’s a Mister Kitty!” And they replaced their little button nose and philtrum with a set of far more human features. Seriously Moffat, what is it with you? They’re aliens! Let orange squid men covered in suckers have cat faces!

The top-heavy ridge of their heads gave them a sort of lumbering look, which may have been the impetus to change them. The Zygons of the 50th anniversary needed to do a fair bit of running. But it also detracts from the iconic lines that made them so striking back in 1975. Below the neck, the design choices make a lot of sense. Like the Ice Warriors, the goal seemed to be to add more texture and detail. The ribs seem more defined as do the suckers. Even their bio-tech devices are appropriately slimy and detailed. When they find Kate Stewart in that purple bubbly skin poncho, none of us are offering to trade places with her. Unless that’s your thing. Don’t let me yuck your yum.

My main qualm with the modern Zygon is less with their design and more with their physiology. The Zygons have always been squidgy shapeshifters. But since when do they turn people into smouldering balls of staticky hair? They tried to explain that this was a new development of technology, so why is one of the refugee Zygons able to use it on himself? It’s not as though the Zygon’s body is not already teeming with venomous stingers. If you’ve ever read Mark Morris’ “The Bodysnatchers,” you’ll know exactly what I mean. Mark does such a good job delving into the physiology of the Zygons that he set the standard by which I judge all future Zygon depictions. It’s seriously great stuff.

Aaaaand we're done! Phew! This one took a long time for me to write. I wanted to return with a bit of a long one because I haven't written anything in a while. My sister came to visit from July to August, so I had been very busy. Then I got ill, yadda yadda yadda. Expect to see more of me soon as I plan to cover the 60th Anniversary Specials and beyond. I may even review some classic Doctor Who in the meantime! Stay safe and take care!

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