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p1xelpc · 1 year

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Dont want to derail my last reblog but I wanted to talk about my experience with autistic masking and (possibly) regression. (I still do not understand that as a term other than that it could maybe apply to me.)

First thing is first: I'm probably a level 1 autistic, I have higher mid support needs but not related to my autism. I'm currently nonspeaking and I'm not sure if I'll get mouth words back considering how long it's been.

Onto the main bit: I have always been a high masking person, since I was young. Some strong examples of the only times I remember not masking are having a meltdown after having a toy lost and having the "wrong" reaction to a gift. I was punished disproportionately for both incidents.

I was taught at a young age that acting like myself was bad. I was lucky. I was in a gifted program, I was a rule follower, I could make friends. I also had things that set me apart from neurotypicals like me. I was in speech therapy, I was hyperexpressive, I talked a lot.

I remember coming home most days and being exhausted just from school. The reason this is weird is that I wasn't physically disabled when I was younger (aside from breathing and swallowing issues). I could do physical activity for hours before being tired (so long as it wasn't aerobic). I was that tired from socializing.

As I got to middle school I started finding fandoms and dressing different. I started finding myself. Or I thought I was. The truth is I was diving into these medias hoping that I could replicate someone from them. I would read Hunger Games and start acting like Katniss. It wasn't intentional. I wasn't attention seeking. I was just forming a defense mechanism.

I've always watched people. If I wasn't forced to join in, I would sit and watch. I still do. I would watch interactions and reactions and how to respond to things. It wasn't a conscious choice. I just became a chameleon. Or a mirror. Whatever worked best. I thought I was a bad person for a while because I was hanging out with bullies (didn't realize) and mirroring their behavior.

But now. Now it's getting harder and harder to mask. Sometimes even trying will give me (worse) migraines. I can't talk anymore. I can make mouth noises but they're just stims. I can't control the noises. My movements are becoming more "stereotypical". I get visibly stimmy when people mention my sp/ins. I take my comfort item (Jameson, a stuffed dinosaur) with me nearly everywhere (not bathroom or into places he could get lost).

Words in general are getting harder to use. If you follow me you might notice that sometimes I talk more simply, sometimes in 3rd person. I don't know if there's a pattern. All I know is that there are 2 modes of words for me. This and simple. There used to be a lot more. I could adapt my words however to fit my audience.

I used to read people really well. I could read emotions and body language (not how a NT does but still). Now I can't even look at faces half the time( the only person I can look at in the face now is my mother). I can't even look at my own face half the time! I can't even read my own emotions. I don't know how I feel other than "good, bad, or neither."

My internal sensations are going out of wack. I can tell something is wrong sometimes. If I focus I might be able to tell what it is. Most of the time I rely on time of day to tell me when I'm hungry, tired, or need the restroom. Sometimes my body does things that tell me (i.e. stomach growling) but other than that I won't notice until it's too late to do anything about it. I don't drink water unless I have it next to me, I remember, and my hands are working. Usually they don't happen at the same time.

I can no longer mask these things. The reason I am not noticably autistic is because I am noticably physically disabled. I cannot stim due to pain+fatigue. I can't do the comfortable "T-rex" arms while I'm standing because I have to use my hands on my mobility aides. I can't do a lot of the "stereotypical" visible autistic things because I am physically disabled.

There isn't a lesson with this. Or a moral of the story. The point is just that everyone is different. Visibly autistic ≠ visibly disabled. And non visibly autistic ≠ low support needs.

#long post #autistic spectrum #autism spectrum #autism awareness #autistic #autism #actually audhd #actually autism #disabilities #disability #disabled #actually disabled

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