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dreamsinfiction · 9 days

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A fresh start (aka first 3 months of 2024 recap)

I am starting blogging again! Not to say that I haven't been journalling cos I have (almost daily thanks to the Hobonichi heh) but it is nice to have an online repository for my thoughts and where I can put photos next to them.

So, okay let's get this mega recap out of the way. As a typical planner, I am going to divide it into parts:

Overall

Ngl, the first few months of 2024 has been hard but on hindsight I think necessary (I am a glass half full kind of person). Hard mainly because of work and some personal stuff which I will explain more down below.

All in all, I am much better mentally now! Life is both ups and downs - just need to remember that the downs don't last while I'm there.

Work

Work was a rollercoaster homg, and I feel like it's only in late Mar that I feel a bit more assured of myself and the imposter syndrome quieted down a bit.

Work things that happened recently:

Posted into MSF strategic comms - a Ministry which I've always wanted to be in because of the issues that it deals with and is quite personal to me, but also a new side of comms that I don't really have much experience in (slightly dabbled in it in MCI but this is a whole new ball game hurhur)

Felt quite depressed/down actually in the first few months because everything was so new, and I feel like this is the steepest learning curve I've had in all my postings. Commence the daily imposter syndrome where I am winging it every day (thankfully SR gave very comforting words on this; she actually seems to have it worse in her agency now, I wonder how I would have fared there since it was orignially my first choice haha)

Got thrown a lot of things my way which I have absolutely no clue about hahaha (crafting and presenting to SMT on an overall MSF strategic comms plan when I barely know half of what the division/depts acronyms are?? Helpz. Thankfully SMT was kind that one time I presented. We recently presented with another item (my colleague did the presentation) and they were not as kind huhu)

Have already stayed late at work my first 3 months into the job. It was close to 8.30pm I think and all because of a team lead that messed up my slides the day before the presentation ugh. Apparently, everyone she interacted with has some sort of horror story with the way she works lol.

Some positives! Got praised by 2 team leads for my presentation and a training course I facilitated heh (almost wanted to cry cos that was when I was in a dark hole huhu). Lunches with random colleagues (because CED is a large division) and actually getting along well :)

Finally went for Induction (6 months into the posting lol). It was the usual (this is my 3rd time participating in an Induction/Orientation so I roughly know what is planned), confusing at times (Amirah, Liyan and I couldn't stop laughing when HR talked about "Tops" and "Bottoms" - apparently it was for this organisational simulation exercise which is supposed to make us understand the role of everyone in an organisation from minions like me to SMT. The labels though hahaha. One good thing that came out of it was there was this cute guy in my group hahaha but I think he's a few years older (he said he had 10 years of working experience total?), unsure if he is married/attached tho.

Socials (aka fun stuff I've experienced)/family/friends:

a. Played badminton more regularly! Signed up for MSF's badminton club and ngl, the first day turning up for the session was hard hahaha I almost left when I was already at the stadium's bathroom changing into my sportswear. But am proud of myself for sticking to it and making friends across MSF.

b. Went for Coldplay with Sya and Tommy! First time seeing them in person despite being a long-term fan (Fix You, Clocks will always remind me of pushing through JC and the trauma of A Levels lol). They were so good live (how is this possible at their age) and I had so much fun! Bonus was definitely seeing hologram!Bangtan. I loved the TikTok that I made heh (sound currently muted since Universal Music is still sorting issues with TT)

c. Went on my first dating app date(s)! Met up with this guy who seemed quite nice online and he was during the first date. But then he started saying some weird shit which I couldn't stand for (I cannot with people who casually throw DV words out, especially after what I've been through -.-) So I chose to end things hurhur. I feel like I deserve a pat on the back since I now know a bit better what I am looking for in someone and what I absolutely detest hahaha.

d. Went for coffee barista class as part of division HLS! Fun to be making coffee (last I did was during Coffee Bean days heh) but clearly I can't make the artistic latte art lol.

e. Continued taking Korean classes! Class is turning out to be pretty difficult now with so many grammar to remember. The level of imbuhan in Korean is next level, even more than Malay hahaha. Then again, I still managed to ace my term test heh. Sejong is also exploring having Korean immersion classes this year and I hope I would be able to make it for the winter one (pls pray that I can ace the interview when it comes round in July heh)

f. Took self-care days / went for Jac's annual CNY gathering - some things don't change and I love that hehe. I also like how I now know when things are getting a bit too much for me so I would need at least a day off by myself :)

g. Decided on going to Korea end year with Jac (+R) and Sya! EXCITED. Firstly just to go Korea again lol. But also to be going around Jeju again (and driving! pls pray that I will get over my fear of parking hahaha)

h. Having F1 back in my life heh - New season started and so far, the Ferrari boys are doing so well (compared to the heartbreak I had week in week out last year lol). Hoping the podium streak continues since it's their last year together 💔

Spirituality

Not sure how this happened actually - like all years, I did make a resolution to try a bit more intentional with my religion and prayers and I guess this year....it has been happening? Maybe it has to do with turning another decade older but actually I've been thinking on this for a few years alr, like what is our purpose on this earth, can't be just having a 9-5, having a family, friends etc.

So I started being more intentional by going to books as shared by my bookstagram friends (heh of course) and actually learning a few things. Podcasts are also a great help since I listen to them on my 20-min walk to the MRT on WFO days.

I think learning more about the religion actually helped me climb out of the dark hole that I was in for a couple months. More inner peace, feeling more assured of myself because since I gave things my best effort then I should learn to let go and let Him play things out. Some days are harder than others still ngl. Taking my own pace on this and seeing how things go ❤️

Okay thanks for reading my yapping hahahaha I do hope to continue my monthly recaps and making it into a habit :)

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gooddadstan · 5 years

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Fuzzy Walls and Tired Eyes chapter 3

At some point in time, Tim finds himself standing in a graveyard. Staring at the headstone in front of him, he recognizes it as the one with the bodies of Janet and Jack Drake, not from the unreadable words on the grave, or the scenery around him, but from the voice in the back of his mind that tells him it is, and he accepts it. All of his training along with every cynical bone in his body is saying he shouldn’t, that he should analyze and confirm the reality of the situation, but he doesn’t remember how he came to stand here anyway and every single point is telling him it’s a dream, so he’s just going to go along with it and see how it ends up. Nothing better than standing in front of your parent’s grave, right? Besides, he already tried waking himself up and it didn’t work, so he’s stuck here.

In front of the grave, his senses are accosted by the smell of wet grass and the feeling of humidity in the air, stuffy in the dressy suit he’d most certainly not been wearing seconds ago. The shadows are longer than he’d remembered, unwavering and intimidating in a way they hadn’t been in a long while. An all too familiar sense of failure and shame swells up in his chest, as off to the side a scene plays out of him standing over his father’s body, unable to do anything but stare at the corpse. He’d never really mourned the loss of his father, in the end, not other than what little he needed to do publicly. He’d only mourned the loss of the relationship they’d started to form. God, what kind of son is he? The hot, empty tears that sent rage to his core swelled in his eyes, and then he’s being lifted up with a batarang to his throat.

The fabric of the Robin uniform’s cape tangles between his feet as he struggles for a second before forcing himself into stillness, hands clutched around the arm holding him up. The arm of his brother. Not that this was his brother, but the likeness was enough to send shivers down his spine. Though the real version did attack him all the same, later on in their lives, this one was not him, and thus cannot be associated with the real being. Of course not. Then why do the memories flood over each other, fear undue for actions not Jason’s but Clayface’s. Why does he still have to fight down defensive movement when the Red Hood approaches him on patrol, in the way that he doesn’t have to do with any other Bat. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, it’s not happening anyway. With his newfound awareness of the situation and its faults, he could feel the ever so faint motion of clay as his captor pulled him close, shifting and yelling as the same as he had years ago. So as Batman formed in front of him, in that same stance with a vague panic hidden behind the cowl, he didn’t bother with the pleasantries of flailing around and trying to break free of the grip on his body. The words being spoken were inconsequential, and he only needed to wait it all out.

His stillness is interrupted by falling towards the grass in a practiced dodge, Batman sending a kick above his head. His uniform, Red Robin now, showed the diagnostics of Bruce’s disappearance even as Dick traded blows with him. The words spoken, full of venom, weren’t coming from him, instead floating into the air from nothing without changing the flow of the scene. To be called an equal then kicked aside and belittled, no trust in his words and pity in his eyes as he throws another punch. The sting of it hurt far more than the physical pain of his body. Unimportant, focus on the issue at hand, every nerve in him screeched, but his mind wandered elsewhere. And as his surroundings shift uneasily, from the red and white of a hightop as screams rang from ahead, to the empty halls of Drake manor sitting clean and proper under his small footsteps sounding rhythmically as he meanders, to the cold but home-like metals of Titans Tower with the sounds of laughter and chattering in distant rooms. He stands there a moment before sinking into his regular spot on the couch, warm and home in a way it hadn’t been since Bruce disappeared.

It only took a second after he’d let himself relish the calm for him to be punched to the ground. A fleeting glimpse of red, yellow, and green, conflicting with his own in the whirlwind his eyes are providing him. He huffs a sigh, falling back into the motions as he rises and gets hit again and again by the man he calls his brother. Jason, the real him now, angry and looming in an outfit meant to bring comfort and reassurance. Shouting about replacements, and asking questions the same voice from the graveyard answers as well as it can. A punch flies into his face before he can block it, and immediately he’s staring into the dark ceilings of the cave as he falls from the stuffed Tyrannosaurus. Damian’s smug expression stands unwavering above, watching as the green of his uniform and the dinosaur grows farther from Tim’s grasp.

Before he could hit the ground again, he found himself standing in a warehouse.

It wasn’t a particularly familiar warehouse, but it sparked enough recognition in his mind to not set off a panic. He doesn’t think he’d ever really been standing in this warehouse. Almost as if to adjust for that, his body snapped into pain, his Red Robin uniform scratched and battered like how he’d expect from coming out of an encounter with one of the A-list rogues, not a routine drug bust. But while he was about 90% certain he’d broken at least an arm before he was in this warehouse, there’s no marks on his skin, the new holes in his suit leading way to the normal pale skin contrary to the sting of pain in his limbs.

The floor sits as a dull metal, flecks of red across it from a few too many work accidents before the site was shut down. Normal. The walls, however, look like they’re made out of shag carpeting, appearing soft and inviting in a way that the walls of a warehouse really shouldn’t be. But no alarms go off in his mind, and he has to guess that this was commandeered by some weird villains in the past. Maybe they were dealt with on one of the gala nights he always hated attending. Would’ve thought he’d have come across it on his cataloguing of the Gotham villains, though. Reaching out to touch the carpeting, the softness of it goes through his gloves to his fingertips, and doesn’t fall away when he yanks at it. Instead, it draws him in with snaking tendrils of shag that envelops him easily.

What Tim saw next was best described as a Wonderland-esque clusterfuck.

People bustled around, occasionally popping from one part of the room to another and repeating tasks they’d already completed, talking and smiling and shifting their outfits and faces to be one person then another. They’d get into conversations with other versions of one person, cracking jokes about how ‘well one of us needs to change’ and then shifting simultaneously to a different person. The background kept changing, from warehouses to the Batcave to a bowling alley Tim had only been in once to do some undercover work. There were flowers sprouting in thin air, and writhing forms of matter twisting to try and be a solid object only to melt into an ocean of nonsense once more.

The rapid changing and confusion let growing around him, becoming louder and more crowded as glimpses of memories showed between people, right and wrong and both at the same time. It was starting to give him a headache. He could operate crowds, usually, his mother wouldn’t tolerate it if he couldn’t hold his own at a gala, but this was beyond any of the parties he’d been to. Too much chaos, too much indiscriminate noise, too much pushing and prodding and swirling existence. None of the rhythm he’d grown accustomed to with large groups of people. He wanted out, the pain in his body mixing with the pain in his mind until he woke up with a gasp.

Immediately, he recognized that he was in the cave. The dark ceilings high above his head were unmistakable. Irritation bit at his face and limbs, dull stings pulsing with his heartbeat. His left arm is immobile, along with his right leg, and he can feel the bandages tight where they’re adhered. He moves his unbound arm to his face, ignoring the objections of the IV sending some sort of fluid into his system, hand slapping directly onto an oxygen mask that shifts uncomfortably on his skin. Shifting his head first to the left, he sees the other beds in the medbay, empty and eternally prepped for quick transfer of patients. The medical cabinets sit off to the other side, lining the wall as orderly as ever. Turning his head to the right, where the chairs are when they haven’t been scattered from the movement of the assorted Bats, he sees four chairs, all empty.

He shouldn’t have been expecting someone to be there when he woke up. The Joker had been loose and the Bats needed to be prioritizing that. But it still stung, more than he’d ever care to admit, that nobody was even in the cave when he woke up. The increased beeps of the heart rate monitor was more than enough to act as an indicator for anyone outside the medbay, and the sounds of him hitting the oxygen mask and moving his head would do the trick even if a fluctuating heartbeat had been normal for his unconsciousness. It was normal for Bruce to sit and wait after patrol, or Dick to hover and mother-hen, or Alfred to sit with a cup of tea during what break time he gets. Now there was… nothing. It hurt, somehow, knowing that they wouldn’t deviate from their patrols to be there. It hurt more than any of the physical injuries he had. That was probably the worst thing, that for all the pain his body was in, he let some stupid guilt hurt him more. It was unprofessional.

Tim stayed awake for somewhere between a minute and a half hour, his mind too tired to keep count and no clock in sight. When he finally heard some shuffling out in the cave, his heart leaped at the thought of someone finally being there, and the damned machine betrayed him by saying it. Almost immediately, Alfred was in the medbay, and the guarded fearful expression melted into a kind half-smile covering a grimace. He felt guilty.

“Master Timothy, I’m terribly sorry I was not here when you regained consciousness.” Despite his mouth still open and taking in a breath to continue, Tim only raised a hand and waved it away. It’s not like it was Alfred’s fault, after all, he had a lot of responsibilities around the house. No use in making him feel bad for things he couldn’t change.

With a small pained expression, Alfred walks over and begins adjusting the IV stand just out of Tim’s sight. He could turn his head and look if he wanted to, but he was just so tired, and exhaustion was setting into his bones more every second. Maybe he should just… go back to sleep.

As his eyes droop downwards, more sluggish than normal, Alfred could only hope that this sleep would be a painless one. Tears never did make good background noise, in the end.

#batfam #tim drake #batman #fwtr #i've been messing the acronym up this whole time haven't I

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