#i'm gonna get shit for this post aren't i

[cinnamon-phrog]

Do you ever see a take in a fandom tag and you're like HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH

#it was SO contradictory too ugh. and a mutual liked it! #you disrespect me. you disrespect my whole family #you call us 'stinky poopy babies' #you punched my wife. you kick mah baby you KICKed my FOCKin BABY #you ate our dog. YOU ATE OUR HOUSE #/ref #it's always the people i like too. everytime i want to find a d/ hmis artist or mutual BAM they're mean petty and even a nonce #and mean to peoples with hc's like mine. yes yes it happens in every fandom but not to the point where literally everybody sucks! #aside from my mutuals who are casually into the show you guys are boss <33 #a d/ hmis artist will tell me they don't care/ even like my hc's and i'll feel great #a couple months later and they're talking shit about it or liking posts about why people who have said hcs are somehow predatory #as if there aren't actual predators in the tags and their little supportive minions running amuck. who draw LITERAL cp of Yellow #i'm not mad anymore i've become very numbed to this. i end up losing 'friends' to the point where i don't know how to make them anymore. #'course that doesn't mean i'll stop trying though. but give benefit of the doubt and be MASSIVELY let down. #or assume the worst. be RIGHT and yet still be somehow worse for assuming. #so i'm just gonna not interact. i'll still put my s/elfship stuff in the tags though i am above guilt or shame now. Look At My Post Boy #cuz like if all these people can get away with being petty and two faced then i can get away with smooching puppets #make Love not War

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

ok fine im a bit pissy

I did not spend HOURS of EVERY DAY this week, most often WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT

doing things for certain types of encampment that I CANT TALK ABT ON SOCIAL MEDIA ON RISK OF SELF-INCRIMINATION

to be palestine-guilted over MEMEING ABOUT MISHA COLLINS

I did not WORK MYSELF TO EXHAUSTION

face *REDACTED* and *REDACTED*

to be told that my HAPPY LITTLE FANDOM POSTING on a site with NO FINANICAL OR ALGORITHMIC SIGNIFICANCE TO CELEBRITIES somehow undoes alllll of that.

is this a good post? no. does it apply to a lot of ppl? prolly not. could I lose followers/moots for this? yeah.

but its what I'm feeling rn.

#literally the only reason im not holding the line rn is bc im actively physically ill #gods forbid that when im miserable abt not being able to help. some fantastic tumblr bs occurs to cheer me up #misha collins #misha fucking collins #like i dont even support him! why do ppl think memes = “i support this person and all their beliefs” #also its fucked up that “palestine-guilted” is even a THING. either say shit that contributes to real information spreading/activism/etc #or gtfo the movement. like this is so unserious in the worst possible way #sorry im probably going to get so much hate on this post I'm just. tired. and angry. #i keep saying this but every time you want to make a post shaming ppl on tumblr for supporting a celeb/public figure over this issue.... #ask yourself why you aren't using that time and energy to make change in a way that matters. #yall clearly are angry for the right reasons and have really good hearts. but this aint it. ppl online arent gonna care and these actors+ #dont know you exist and likely never will.

[front-facing-pokemon]

#manectric #i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk #but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric #el woowoo‚ if you will #a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day #so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday #hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years #looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow #which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations #for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA #plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory #overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me #so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little #worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY #this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains #that's about it #any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar #places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it #also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking #about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours

[hussyknee]

I do, in fact, hold the Jewish community collectively responsible for Zionists.

Individually? Of course not. Anti Zionist Jews exist as individuals. Many individuals are shut out of their own religious community, especially those of colour.

But as a community where Zionism is so socially and institutionally entrenched that the minority of dissenters are disowned and ostracized?

The global community of which only a handful of organisations openly advocate for Palestine, and even most of those paternalistic and co-opting Palestnian voices with liberal Zionist sympathies?

The western majority that institutionally benefits from white colonization and imperialism and silences its non-Jewish Black and brown critics?

The same majority that will never own their privilege or culpability or complicity in the colonial project before and after the Holocaust?

That helped the West exceptionalize it to cover up their exponentially larger and more enduring colonial crimes?

That distanced themselves from their white colonial privilege at the expense of BIPOC by insisting theirs was not a religious marginalization but a racial one, and continues to punish us for not treating them as racially oppressed?

Whose very demand to be automatically exonerated from the Palestinian genocide is reflective of their white and Western privilege?

That successfully broke the ties Jews of colour have to their own racial communities through Israeli ethnic cleansing and Zionist propaganda?

That uses JoC as shields, tokens and weapons against all the above charges?

The JoC that have purchased the privileges of Zionism and enfranchised themselves by betraying their own races?

The community that has used the charge of antisemitism to police Black and brown folks for decades, making it a knife against our necks?

I absolutely, 100% blame the global Jewish community.

The Global South will not forget. We will not forgive. All people with white skinned European descent are our oppressors. All people nourished on the teat of the imperial core are the foot soldiers of white supremacy, no matter what their race. We owe you no exoneration.

#this post is brought to you by the fucking bullshit going on at the holocaust museum today #i'm never going to give a shit about that after this. nothing to do with us #how tf do you terrorize black and brown people into recognizing your victimhood and not realize you arent the victim here if you can do tha #i am 1000% done with this colonizer bullshit #no wonder black intellectuals have been calling out white jews for decades #'antisemitism' only matters when it affects white jews lmao. JoC have to deal with it on their own #i trust JoC even less than white Jews after this because holy shit the zionist bootlicking #they aren't gonna fuck you bro #if you arent going to divest from white colonialism please get your asses the fuck out of our spaces #you should be expiring with shame and pain for what your people are doing #instead you're whinging because someone tagged Free Palestine on your wall after a 115 days of butchering babies #fuck you #knee of huss #anti zionist #zionazis #free palestine #racism #anti blackness #white supremacy #colonialism #western imperialism

[stillcominback]

𝚆𝙴𝙻𝙻, 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙳𝙸𝙲𝚃'𝚂 𝙸𝙽: as a lot of you may know by know [ if you've caught any of my previous posts about it ], i'm moving with my parents back to california from texas -- where i've been for about 30 years -- because overall? it'll be good for me. i'm sick of texas for the most part, i literally can't afford to live on my own [ and honestly? i like being near my parents and would just have more security and better quality of life in CA ], and i just think sometimes a change is good!

i've been waiting to see if my job will let me keep my job [ and continue to pay me dirt, even! ] ... all i was asking is that i can live in california and work remote. well, the owner has decided he will not allow me to do that. is there a good reason? in my opinion: no. he's framing it [ in his conservative white man rich business owner brain ] that I'M the one making the choice to move because i could apparently just as easily stay in texas and get my own place etc etc etc. so it's on me! unfortunately, it's just not that simple, but i guess from a guy who runs a family business and has multiple homes, it's just hard to really grasp that concept.

i'm literally so furious and so heartbroken at the same time. i know it's not the best company, and yeah i guess, we can say this is for the best in the end? but that doesn't make it hurt less. i've been there for almost 11 fucking years. my ENTIRE career out of college. through ups and downs, i was always working my ass off and being a great employee ... shining reviews and reputation with literally everyone. it just hurts that that ultimately means nothing when i'm finally asking for something in return. i take the poverty wages, take the working in the office when i hate it for the most part, i've taken having to hear misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, every-phobic thing over the years ... then i ask for ONE thing in 11 years [ that's literally not even a big ask ] and it's a ✨no✨.

i feel so lost. like i don't even know how to be without this job, and as much as people tell me YOU'RE SO TALENTED! YOU'RE SO GREAT! YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING SOOOO MUCH BETTER! i wanna believe it, but my brain just ... doesn't. maybe it's imposter syndrome or just how fucking down on myself i feel right now. i still appreciate it because i literally don't know what i would do without my friends and family's support right now like ... even if i can't see it for myself, it means the literal world to me.

plus sides [ i guess ]: i should be able to keep my laptop [ but i'll lose adobe cc so ... i may need some recs or help on how to at least get photoshop cause idk how i'll carry on without it lmao ]; my manager who is a literal saint and one of the best people i know [ she actually pissed the owner off going to the mat for me lmao "he doesn't like to be questioned" ... insert the biggest eye-roll of my life ] ... but she said she would help me with literally everything from linkedin to my resume to a portfolio, and i know that'll be like everything to me while i just .... try to navigate all of this ON TOP OF trying to move.

ALSO: i think i can work until i leave, if that's what i want to do ... i'm still trying to figure all of this out because honestly? even though it's not much? i need the money. but then i'm also like i don't wanna do the owner any favors by having me work while they maybe start putting out feelers to replace me, yknow? BUT THEN AGAIN, i'm hurting my boss more than him [ and that's the twisted, frustrated thing about all of this ... it hurts us way more than it does anything to him but he still gets to make the choice for us ]. SO! i dunno! i may just use all my PTO and see how far that gets me lmao but i feel like at the end of the day, i have to look out for myself and maybe just trying to pull in as many paychecks as i can [ since we also don't have a hard 'we're moving!' date at the moment ] is the best idea ... even if the idea of going into the office and acting normal like literally makes me so ... 😤 but i dunno! my brain is a mess! afjhksdfda

SO YEAH. i just wanted to update you guys because i do consider you friends. whether we talk a little or a lot, i appreciate all of you so much and just wanted to keep folks in the loop with where my life and my head's at right now. not the best but ... just trying to keep it moving. honestly nooooo clue when writing is gonna happen here again??? i do miss / enjoy the distraction of plotting and talking about all this stuff so don't be shy, i just don't know when i'll have the time or capacity to just write here [ maybe once we move and stuff settles a little bit? ] -- but yeah, in the meantime, please come chat with me, let's plot dynamics and all that shit because it still makes me so happy and lets me take my mind on a little vacation lmao love you all, truly! ❤️

#** reblogging on some of my blogs to pass it around but! applies across the board: you can find most of my blogs in my pinned post here! ** #been on and off crying since like 4PM yesterday so it's been a ride lemme tell ya! #nothing like feeling like you wasted over a decade of your life at a job that never really cared about you #like MY boss does but stupidly she doesn't get to make all the decisions for HER own team #even though the owner is barely present and doesn't really know anything about us or the day to day so ... very cool of him #to make big decisions that can hurt a lot of people (and don't affect him one bit either way) #he just really doesn't seem to give a shit at all that it makes our lives so much harder for NO reason #it's just that he literally doesn't “like” remote working and doesn't want to set some kind of company-wide precedent #even tho i'm like moving isn't THAT easy lmao people aren't all just gonna mass exodus out my guy #(also we have a C-level employee who lives / works from new york but ... apparently that's SUUUUPER different because she lived there when #she was hired ........ *stares into camera*) #anyway!!! i'm just really frustrated and hurt and fucking terrified #and i appreciate literally anyone who bothered to read all this! lmao #i'll be around on mobile as per usual ❤️❤️❤️ #00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )

[miharuhebinata]

it is beyond frustrating to see the loz series so dedicated to going in such a new & innovative direction in regards to gameplay, yet still so stagnant in regards to the story. like, sorry to be that person but the fact that it's 2023 & you STILL can't play as zelda in any of the main games is mind-boggling to me. even in totk, a major part of the story still revolves around rescuing- sorry, finding her. she has such a deep meaningful story (which is a step in the right direction, for sure!), but the player can only experience it secondhand as link. she is allowed to be a companion character, but only for the first 5 minutes of the 100+ hours you can spend in the game, as a little teaser for the OTHER companions you get much later (who pretty much all suck except tulin & sort of yunobo, but that's another post). we see her sacrifice, but we only get small snippets of the experiences that led up to that sacrifice. she is put through so much trauma & has to make this impossible choice, & we don't even get to grieve her properly or tell anyone what became of her. & by the end of the game, it doesn't matter because she's back to her regular old self, same as she was before she swallowed the stone, with no lasting physical or mental effects whatsoever, because why should her sacrifice actually have any meaning outside of how it served link? & before anyone argues with me for saying that, yes obviously it did have meaning outside of how it served link. but the way she is restored in the most ridiculous deus ex machina i've ever seen in a zelda game cheapens it severely. everything magically gets fixed by rauru & sonia, & just like link's arm, zelda is left no worse for wear, because of course we can't possibly have our main characters permanently changed by any of these horrific events they've lived through, oh no nothing like that.

link saves the day & gets rewarded with the beautiful princess.

this IS the basic story of almost every single zelda game & you can split hairs all you want, but it's the same with totk as well & i'm just so beyond sick of it. i think zelda (the character AND the series as a whole) deserves so much better than that.

#i'm not gonna pretend like the plots of most loz games aren't still good. especially botw/totk (although i prefer botw). because they are! #but i don't understand why they seem to be so stuck in this mindset of keeping zelda as a side character instead of letting her actually... #oh i don't know...do stuff? at least in botw/totk she's been given a more realistic personality than she's ever been afforded in other game #& she actually has some agency. but... what does that *really* mean when it still amounts to link having to rescue her? #i just want them to give her a character arc that we (either playing as her or as link) get to experience alongside her. #i feel like she's earned at least that much. but that would require nintendo to actually give a shit about her as a character #separate from link so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess i'll just fuckin die then lmao #princess zelda #c: the silent princess #c: princess of hyrule #the legend of zelda #tloz: totk #totk spoilers #totk posting #🎮 tag #this is worded so badly but i;m posting it anyway idc 😘 #send tweet

[ghostoffuturespast]

Being a writer is weird.

#it's tough fighting that human visual bias on a platform like this #my queue ran out and i haven't posted any vp because i was trying to crank out that last chapter for my long fic #and like i get it maybe most people aren't interested in reading it #different strokes for different folks #but like the discrepancy between how people interact with photo vs writing posts is wildly disheartening sometimes #and i've been see-sawing back and forth all day about this #riding high and wallowing in the mud #this is literally the creative project that i've been pouring myself into for the past month and a half every spare moment i have #and i've been doing this for the past year and a half #it's weird pouring so much love into something when the vast majority of people won't even give it two seconds #i love writing but it is also a mentally exhausting craft and people don't seem to acknowledge that for some reason #it's why i try to reblog stuff from my writing mutuals when i see it because it's usually the artwork that gets the least amount of love #anyway just felt like getting that off my chest #i'm sure my fellow writers can commiserate too #i'm not mad or anything i just had thoughts and perhaps voicing them is better then stewing on them i suppose #also i feel bad for not reading more stuff from other people but i've got like zero beans to give atm #no need to worry or anything i'm still gonna keep writing and posting my shit #more vp comin in over the weekend #also god the new tumblr ui for desktop is fucking ugly absolutely atrocious #man i really don't want to have to set up shop on another social media outlet it's tiresome #i don't want to keep up i just want to blog in peace

[sarah-sandwich-writes]

HOLD ON WAIT UP HOLD THE PHONE

I KNOW I WAS GONE FOR A FEW MONTHS THERE BUT HAS BLUE LIKE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF A SERIES OR IS THAT A NEW DEVELOPMENT???

I FEEL LIKE ITS CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK Y E A H

Okay so

I...

have been cooking

by which I mean illusions of grandeur and

schemes

And I have not been forthcoming lol Everyone kind of disappeared all at the same time so I kind of stopped talking about what I'm doing but I have been biding my time, quietly putting mechanisms into motion and plotting and occasionally cackling over my cauldron.

I finished the first draft of Blue like don't forget about me and didn't like it so I cut out all the sci-fi fantasy stuff (bye bye aliens farewell superpowers) and in November wrote a new first draft that's all contemporary romance babeee and I'm so in love with it I'm turning it into a little 3-part (possibly 4 if I can't control myself) series.

The original childhood years have been split off into a prequel novella called Red like my bleeding heart in your hand. Then Blue like don't forget about me will take place 20 years later. Nash works at Cherished Hope Nursing Home

“And what is it you do? At the nursing home, I mean.” I wipe shit off of old people. And Teddy’s a hockey player. What’s Luke, an underwear model? He shouldn’t have come.

Teddy comes back to town for a funeral and

Teddy looks at him for the first time in twenty years and every ounce of warmth leaves his expression. Message received. He should not have come.

OKAY SO AND THEN the next book will be Jo's POV and is called Violet like these delights. and MAYBE there will be a 4th from Luke's POV bc he gets to live this time by the grace of god (me) but it'll depend on how Violet goes (its current state is mostly vibes and a single overarching theme so, stand by).

Red needs a clean-up round of edits to snip out the few little threads that connected it to OG blue. And rewritten blue is basically done. I've done the major revisions and am about to start line edits and after those are done I'm sending it out to beta readers (lmk if you're interested).

There are concise actual summaries in my pinned post btw lol

WHICH REMINDS ME

The series title is Wildflowers of Deliverance. Which I'm extremely proud of. Did you notice did you notice how each title incorporates a wildflower did you did you? and the town they grew up in where Nash and Teddy first met is called Deliverance!!! It's okay I know I'm a genius.

And this brings us to the meal okay? because like I said I've been Cooking™ quietly but steadily for a few months now. ANd what have I been cooking? PLOTS and PLANS

I've decided on a pen name: Sarah B. Elisa

I've created a(nother) side blog for it that will be exclusively centered on my og writing and geared more toward readers rather than writers like this blog is: @sarahbe-writing

I'm going to create a website (as soon as I convince myself to spend money)

and a newsletter (as soon as I convince myself to spend money and do work)

I'm still waffling between trad publishing and DIY. I really like all my hats and it would be a shame to have to share them but oh my god I don't want to do all the marketing but trad pub seems hit or miss on how well they market you so I might get half of my hats taken away and still have to do the marketing bullshit UGH

anyway

OH YEAH and the OG draft I wrote for Blue? I'm going to spin it back to its OG OG roots [parkner, naturally--Return of The childhood friends to estranged almost lovers to super-powered rivals to reluctant allies to friends to lovers finally wip!!! AKA: We Were Gods (we were kids)] and that will fix all the things that went wrong and I didn't like 😌 so it's basically like double Christmas I think

#i have been #a tad reluctant to use the tag list #since because I scrapped the whole plot and genre and started over #feels like a teensie bit of a betrayal? #so idk i think i need to make a post (way fucking shorter than this one) and tag everyone and see who still wants to be tagged in stuff? #or maybe im close enough to the finish line i shouldn't do tag list stuff anymore? I'm kind of wary of oversharing bc #i totally did before #and the word count is smaller now #and there aren't like Plot Twists #it's a romance we all know how this is gonna end #so idk that's mostly why i've been quiet like haha what should i say and to who? #But anyway this weekend I'm going to get my shit together and put up some posts and get the ball rolling again #share some excerpts #get people excited #put out a call for beta and sensitivity readers #you know. work lol #also i missed you and i'm glad you're back <3333 #my notes were sooooo quiet lol #and i don't just mean on my writing stuff i love seeing all of your tags in my activity like Yay that's my friend!! And they're yellin!!! #we love to see it <3 #anyway #:)

[toasteaa]

Getting a finished commission of an insert/oc and going a little psycho bonkers like

Oh so that's how my faves feel about them -

#toast talks #this is absolutely about Neuv and Eclair because I just got a comm of Eclair and holy shit #I'm gonna upload it to her TH asap because I don't post a lot of commissions I get on tumblr #mainly cause the artists I commission aren't on tumblr and TH is a way better place to organize oc art and profiles #But I WILL add Eclair's TH link onto my pinned post so people can see her whenever they want #I've got another comm of her and Neuv in the works and I'm so excited for that one to be done because rrrrrgh the ref pose is so 💕💕💕 #They make me wanna write and draw and they're so so cute and I keep getting art of them being cute #but they're SO oblivious or are so used to their own joint routine it's like theyre married without being married and just #UGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I CAN'T SHUT UPPPPP #I WANNA WRITE THEIR LORE SO BAD BUT I'M SO STUCK ON IT #I probably shouldnt write it though because my brain literally keeps going 'she'd take a bullet for him. she did take a bullet for him' #AND SHE DID AND SHE'S FINE #BUT #actually I'm gonna shut up cause I'm talking too much and I'm tired and getting sick GOODNIGHT 🫡😴

[soupacool]

I'm really sick of people writing off marginalized groups because they don't like the exact words that those groups use to describe their struggles.

#when skinny people ridicule fatphobia and non transmascs scoff at the term transandrophobia its extremely telling #I'm so sure there are more examples of this but these are things I'm directly affected by and specifically see a lot of pushback against #I feel like its fueled by the idea of choice. you CHOOSE to eat like shit and not exercise therefore discrimination against you isnt real #you CHOSE to align yourself masculinely and men aren't oppressed therefore you can't talk about the way your gender marginalizes you #probably gonna delete this later but I've been seeing a lot of this lately and it's getting real old #soupy post

[luvevee]

It's pretty annoying having to scan basically every artist for i/cest shit in any media that has siblings because most of them hide it on alt accounts/platforms/sly tags and that's a big reason why I'm too burnt out on reblogging art

#literally the word 'pr/ship' feels so dumb to me like it's just gross shit #it's why i fell hard out of submas since if that wasn't the case the 'neutral' artists supported it/stayed quiet #like holy shit I've found a good few artists here on twitter being into that nasty shit just by scrolling #like i shouldn't have to find out on another app on accident to see the person I'm supporting caters to that garbage #'we want to be left alone and ship what we want btw we're gonna violate everyone's boundaries because fuck the purists' #imagine thinking you're a victim because you make art of i/cest and make it your entire personality to consume that media- #and then purposely get into spaces where people are uncomfortable with it/getting joy out of that #'why not reblog stuff without doing it' cuz i don't want someone's shit on my page when they're actually a garbage person #i really don't understand 'lol the purists are upset' -> 'omg they're so mean to us' just because most people aren't on their side with it #literally an anon came into my partner's inbox taunting him about touching his stuff like a 6 year old #imagine preaching 'don't like don't look' but when normal people say 'don't touch my stuff' you reverse and cry 'it's not fair' #or saying how you're proud about the gross shit you make but you have alts to hide it/lie about it like 🤨 thought you were proud of it #it's just annoying when im looking for good trigun/submas/dmc/etc art and see the person who made it ships the twins #like cool #and it ends up becoming a long list and it becomes annoying to look for art to reblog #idk I'm bitching and it's something that's gross #rosebud posting 💐

[psy-ay-ay]

every time i look up any gynecological research i wanna start murdering people

#do you know anything? where is the funding going? how have people not figured out ANYTHING about the female reproductive system #and the INSANE number of ways it affects everything inside me #is birth control affecting my mood? who knows. or worse 'No it's all in your head actually' #can birth control make me gain weight 'NO none of the 2 studies we have done reports this' while every other woman reports weight gain #is birth control gonna regulate my hormones? you know the ONE thing it's supposed to do? the thing for which the doctor prescribed it to me #well who knows wait till at least 3 months to find out #but i have side effects: oh they might or might not go away #worst acne of my life when i was prescribed this shit for acne #idk i'm SO fucking mad #give me a mic #rant post #have had pms symptoms for almost a month if my periods aren't any better i'm not taking it anymore TT #when i started i thought what could be worse than my already horrid pms and shitty cramps and acne all over the face #well apparently acne can get worse and all month pms is pretty bad

[degrees-of-lili]

Y'know if PC wasn't an orphan; it'd make Bailey's story less weird. They could have been someone from another [country] who came to DoLland to go to university (to keep the school aspect), maybe you needed a visa and couldn't get one so you go to Bailey but now Bailey expects you to work for them or they'll ship you off (but not back home obvs.). Except Bailey's "work" is running around town fucking, stealing, and maybe working a semi-normal job. Like some aspects are questionable like Whitney, but Whitney is a parody of an actual bully. Like, the shit Whitney does (and to the level they do it) isn't something that'd anyone would reasonably get away with. Also, how the school works from a gameplay point of view because college you usually pick and choose your classes are.

#dol posting #idk I'm spitballing #the whole orphans thing feels like it is mostly to explain why they're still in high school #but raises a bunch of other issues #like the post where I talked about wtf is bailey gonna do when they start getting suspiciously too old t0o live at the orphanage #and also like not all the orphans in the orphanage are not gonna have no parents #which a straight up canon detail considering PC can have their kids stay in the youth ward #some kids are gonna have parents not fit to take care of them #or their parents died but they still have family members who can't take care of them #but might feasibly still keep in contact #obvs they aren't gonna change the story at this point #but still #bailey's whole shit is weird

[kindnessoverperfection]

I think part of the reason why I struggle to feel close with anyone is like. I really only know how to get my social need filled through judgement and approval and rank-climbing.

It's part of why I keep wanting to involve myself in Greek Life, despite knowing how toxic it is. I'd have people around me always, constant social events, and the expectations would be clear and harsh always. So I'd have clear and easy ways to get supply. If someone's "love" is conditional, then I know when I'm doing the right things, I know when they're approving of me, I know when we're "connecting". I crave it.

But the system's close friends? They'll approve of us no matter what. So like. What then? How do I feel that connection? If I don't have to earn their care, what direction am I supposed to go in? What do I do, what do I talk about, how do I act?

#just spilling thoughts everywhere rn but ugh #im so lonely #saw smthn online that felt like it was calling me out directly lmaooo #about not caring about individuals and only caring about avoiding loneliness #(like i care abt ppl's well-being but i have no personal investment) #it felt like a strength. grey cares so deeply about specific people but also gets cut just as deeply bc of it #meanwhile i could get attention from anyone and be just as satisfied. couldn't care less about who it was or if x or y person randomly #stopped talking to me #(b4 anyone comes at me. again i intellectually care about the well-being of individuals. like i want them to have a good life and a good da #yknow. and im not a jerk. and personally i DO *want* to connect i just dont know how. the emotions and drive aren't there. it's not persona #at all. and it's fine if that's a dealbreaker for ppl but i'm not evil for it and i don't treat people badly bc of it) #my supply-seeking and overworking myself and ED behaviors are all caused by the same underlying need #i don't know how to exist without people. which is so funny bc for so long i've acted like i'm so invulnerable and independent and don't #give a shit about anyone's approval. but i do. so fucking deeply. and since direct interpersonal relationships are terrifying #my brain seeks out the next best thing - societal approval. no names or faces attached. just anyone. something. anything. #when i'm talking one-on-one with someone - yknow what no gonna make this another post and try and work it out separately

[unproduciblesmackdown]

speaking of your coming of age movie that never happens & your narrative non-narratives, shoutout to the arcs that’d be supposedly “worse” lmfao like posts about people-pleasers being like “i’m in my villain era” when it’s just consciously prioritizing themselves at all / noting when boundaries for their own wellbeing are being trampled, and the like. wherein i’m like, well i like talking to people i suppose, i can do the hours of monologue at a wall for one mode, got chatterbox mode, funny guy theatrical mode, etc, but in actuality also, i do not like talking to people lmao. the “yeah, that’s me” movie ending with another voiceover while upbeat music plays & you’re cheerfully walking along in 0.75x speed through some picturesque arena filled with socializing people like =) putting on headphones, turning up the volume, ignoring everyone, dodging people according to the berth one wants to maintain,

#i mean in person i like to be somewhere Parallel to other ppl; but there By Myself technically lol #i also am down for / enjoy spontaneous fleeting interactions w/randos but ofc only the actually good ones; which can sure be rare #and naturally Online interactions have a lot more flexibility than [not having that option] but even then. #like on just one point: being in a ''fandom'' like no thanks at all ever lol even when it comes to relatively niche things #j'etadore quantent being Just Me Posting To Myself. i absolutely do not want to talk to anybody about winston billions. #posts are scrolls i've nailed to a door to be perused if someone wants. take it or leave it; i've given it & left #meanwhile Not In Person chats aren't even enough lol like; need more Delay than a live chat; also too much to say just like irl anyways #gotta be down for short essays at w/e weird pacing & inadvertent caginess abt what ig other ppl would find matter of factly easy to share #i.e. like What Are You Doing? type ye olde facebook status prompt material. well that's a secret / weird / not entertaining enough isn't it #not like i think oh scoff i Should be popular likable & beloved lmfao like no ofc i Know i'm not gonna come off like that. l'autistique. #to be thusly is to be generally considered unlikable / disliked. i probably don't like interacting w/an nt rando too much either. #& w/the power of [adhd] it's like yeah sure i can be the chatty Fun But Annoying person lmfao But. rather than really being begrudgingly #tolerated until ppl are just more used to you / forgive the annoyances it's like no it's just the Annoying part lol beyond that it's like #well you're also somehow still too weird & quiet so worst of both worlds right. And ofc i have Other Traits aren't just for everyone. #some classic easy to embrace shit like bit of a hothead; argumentative; opinionated; stubborn; spontaneous; a hater; cagey....lmao #much of that For Fun but the [autistic Friendly] social cues don't get read that way. plus i Can be unfriendly too ofc lmao. get outta here #like a friend group seems charming & adorably heartwarming in theory until it's like oh god but drawing on all relevant experiences?? No #the third or fourth or nth wheel falling behind on the narrow sidewalk / talked over / finding a chair on the end & ppl dont notice ur here #lowering expectations even for exchanges that Do happen. ppl can enjoy the novelty of a lengthy exchange for like; a day #on the other side of that if what's initiated is like; Brief General messages i'm like oh god lmfao now Eye can't keep up w/this style #beyond that spontaneous shit is like oh god masking. oh god double empathy misinterpretations & being treated horribly b/c of it. #Recognizing & Respecting my actual experiences rather than hypothetical ideals like no i'm Not failing by Not putting myself in more damn #situations lmfao....if i stumble into good ones then great lol. sure have done that & i don't discount the Value therein at all #just sure like [points to the wisdom of e.g. autistic ppl talking abt having to be lonely but at the gain of looking out for / appreciating #themself] like Being ''Unlikable'' or having friends(tm) but not Really / the treatment is shit / you're having to mask a ton anyways... #sure can recall experiences like idk. ppl ''being nice'' & whether on purpose or not it's like actually I'm In Hell I'm In Hell lmfao #and then even if it's not on purpose it's like ah i can't actually talk to them abt it & that's not a great endorsement for the dynamic huh #or just noting like i'm duly accepted to be on the sidelines but what am i doing wrong lmao sweating How To Earn proper Normal participation #lot of anxiety & blaming oneself & it turns out like nah can't excise the Fault of autistic / adhd / cpstdness & you're fine actually #that was ye olde times more so but it's gradual & still fairly recent being like Oh Right. more accurate ideas re: Talking To Ppl At All....

[perceptivehands]

people don’t want to be around you when you’re mentally ill because you’re too boring or exhausting. it only works as long as you keep your mask on (but even then it might not be enough), if you let it slip they notice how flawed you are and start to neglect you. in truth they don’t want to be around someone like that. so you can’t even confide in anyone about how miserable you really feel because you don’t want to ruin the little thing you have with them otherwise you’ll be left with nothing. but what’s the point in upholding friendships if you can’t be your true self around them?

#i'm this close to giving up bc what's the point really #i'm constantly worrying i'll never be enough #but i can't be optimistic; cheerful and social 24/7 and fake my way through it #it takes too much energy that i don't have #the few times people thought i was 'cool' (in a good way) and then they hang out with me more and find out i'm anything but #sorry for the constant disappointment #but i get one wouldn't be around someone like that i get it #so why bother trying #how do you trust people that aren't actually interested in you as a person #what else you gotta do to get past that surface level friendship bs #i usually post shit like this on reddit but i can't be arsed anymore lmao #tbd #(gonna regret this in the morning i'm sure)