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pointthefingerblametheother · 3 years

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I wish I took this quiz earlier to better explain how I personally understand acts of love. I never knew something like this existed to better communicate and learn more about ourselves. I know she always wanted to keep buying me gifts all the time. And it looks like that's not how I understand love. When she would cook food for me I saw it more as just things that you do together to survive, I guess I didn't see it as acts of love.

Those were her ways of explaining and being able to show the way she loves. In a similar way of how you used to wear purple all of the time, I switched to blue jeans because I know you love blue and I learned how comfortable they actually are. Lol. My boxers, I prefer to wear the blue ones because I always felt you were closer to me because of your favorite color. My fault text sweatshirt and my Mac and sweatshirt I prefer to wear while we were out and about. I wore those so much more frequently than my Overwatch sweatshirt because I was excited to be wearing your favorite color. My shoes I got the maroon ones because of how much you love that color, too. My UWL hat I stopped wearing as much because it felt weird wearing it in the cities, but I wanted to and I would every once in awhile. So many things we do for each other that we don't even realize if the other person notices or not. We are both such nonverbal people that I guess I wish we would have messaged more even while at home because you seemed to connect better with that, Just like I connect better with physical touch. I would tease you sometimes in the car, playfully, because I thought it was a fun, loving thing couples did. I thought maybe if I showed you the cute gesture and tease that you might do the same to me. That might have been how you were trying to communicate with giving me so many gifts. I don't really know. If I did know it would change absolutely everything about how I try to show love and be more active in learning what moves you and helps you feel loved.

And I couldn't even put my arm around her without her freaking out because of how overheated she would get. I kept trying to spend time with her and all she wanted to do was watch violence and murder.

Best times for when I was able to put my arm around her and watch a movie or go on walks together, bike rides. Just spending the time together was how I felt her love. She was always buying me gifts and doing the claw machines and giving me those gifts and they just seemed like stuff, things that take up space.

I cherish them wholeheartedly because I understand that's how she understood how to show her love. But I guess for some reason I didn't understand how she understands love.

I wish we both took this quiz earlier in our relationship so that we could actually understand what love means to the other person. I thought she didn't like receiving gifts herself because every time I'd give her something it would seemingly disappear, Ever since I gave her that bear on Valentine's Day I felt like getting her gifts were just going to get tossed away.

To me the act of being with someone is so much more important than the things being done. Going to E3 was the most magical experience of my life so far. Not just because I like games, But primarily because I was with her going on an adventure that she was also excited about. I fed on her excitement and it made me so happy to be there with her. It's not an event I would go on my own. I went because I was so excited to spend time with her away from La Crosse. We had each other when we needed someone. There were times where we were scared and we worked through it. She would get in a panic and I would call her down, And then at other times I would get panicky and she would call me down. Walking down to the bookstore through the city was terrifying for me, But she was in front of me guiding my way so I wasn't so scared of all the people. She didn't notice all the scary people that were around, I had to focus on following her to get through it.

What an adventure in this world that we've shared. It's so hard to convince myself that it's over.

Every time I felt your hand in my hand felt like fireworks. That meant so much more to me than receiving gifts ever did.

In my past I've been horrible at getting gifts because I want them to be the perfect gift not just a gift. Yes I gave gifts seldomly but they always had a deep meaning to be coming from me that I knew (or thought I knew) that you would enjoy. There was even a couple times that I was trying to get a gift for you and you convinced me to keep it for myself. So every gift I got for you always meant something extreme to me to be giving. Giving gifts is not an easy thing for me to wrap my head around. I always tried thinking of the experiences not the act of having or receiving gifts. That's why the shows and movies and all of those things that we did together like traveling meant so much to me. Whatever we did only mattered because you were with me.

I loved and miss being able to kiss you so passionately that I can feel you breathing out and I could breathe you in. Passion and the desire I could feel, And it was so real. More than real, pure ecstasy beyond just the thoughts and words. It was real. It was deep passion I felt. So strongly for giving you all that you desired and begged for. I always buckled too fast even though I wanted to drag that desire on so you could enjoy that wanting feeling. I remember what it used to be like. But that desire I craved with you turned to jealousy for your connection to your books that you weren't willing to share with me. You showed me a couple times but never transferred that energy from those books to me. Not that you made me aware of anyways. I started second guessing when you would come on to me. Was it me that she desired or was it a character in one of those books? Why won't she share with me what her fantasy is so that I can match that level or play to that fantasy and make things more pleasurable for her.

I got very jealous of the books you would read because they're explaining very physical things between people and when you would read them they weren't translating to things happening between us. You tried saying that you were reading them for ME, And I never understood what that even meant. How do you read books about other people being physical with each other and then not be physical with me and then explain that they're FOR me. I just never made sense and when I would ask more questions you would get upset rather than understanding of my feelings. I was trying to understand your feelings about them, I tried very hard not to get jealous. You started reading them more and more, And then reading them wasn't enough you started reading the graphic version with illustrations and I tried getting you to share those with me so I could understand and maybe even get into them with you. Instead you hit them like some secret that you'd rather have for your own self rather than share I was trying to understand the sharing part of it. I tried hard to understand and the more I tried to help and understand and connect that way with you, If I like the more I got pushed away.

What is your love language? Do you know it? I wish I knew so I could fix things and do things better than ever before.

Seeing gifts I gave you get tossed to the side and given away to other people even, really f***** with me because I thought that that's how you understood love because of how many gifts you gave. I have boxes and bags of countless items, tokens of your love that you tried showing me that I didn't understand how to explain that I'd rather be with you than receive gifts. And maybe you are trying to tell me that you respond better to receiving gifts then being told how much I love you. Words of affirmation. I don't really know because we never took this quiz and... I am deeply saddened that I was too depressed to be able to show any of these things to you no matter how deeply inside of myself I wanted to give to you all five of these things. My drive to do anything had been taken away by this depression. I want to make up for it all somehow, someday.

I miss you.

I hope you can take this quiz and share it with me and we could work on learning each other's love language and balance each other out. We checked a lot of boxes for each other unknowing of what our own love language must be. I think we both needed quality time. But I don't know... I don't understand why I've been pushed away.

I tried doing my love to you without being able to really know how you experience love.

I know when we used to text everyday and when you be at work and text me back, Oh when we would text each other how passionate and loving we were. Not being able to have that time apart to be able to text you was so hard. I kind of enjoyed going down to see my grandpa even though it was extremely difficult with my aunt down there taking advantage of everyone.

I wanted you so badly, But I knew you had school, the arboretum, and work that you are already balancing. We haven't had a vacation or time to relax away from the everyday in so long. I long and desire for that stronger than ever before.

I miss you with more passion than any book you've ever read combined. I love you more than I love seeing the sun rise every morning and set in the evening. More than the moon glowing in the night sky. Many nights since you've left, I've looked up at the moon knowing that we're still under the same moon. Dreaming that you might be looking up at the same moon, possibly even at the same time. And as I get all dreamy about you, The Mighty Boosh meme comes to my head and says

I never know which context to do these posts and because I never know if it's going to be some random person reading this or if she actually will ever read these some day. My hope is that she can understand the love and frustration in tandem like a yin yang. You have to be able to take the bad with the good or we don't grow as people.

I miss you, Crystal. I miss you, Everlong.

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Ali & Ro

NYD Catch-up

Ali: *Daintliy throws the tiniest of pebbles at our window 'cos I'm in trouble enough if this goes tits up without also breaking a window* Ropunzel, Ropunzel, let down your hair! Ro: allow me to busily make tea while I loudly quiz Tess and whoever else may be in earshot about their resolutions Ro: I can't believe you're only just getting home! I was going to ask how you're evening was but I think I can guess Ali: You're a 🌟 Ali: We need to fully mind-map and dream-board ours later, I've got so many ideas already but I at least need in on that tea action first, builder's brew please and thank you 😘 Ali: Shh 😉 I've been in bed since 1 💤 like an 😇 Ali: Hehe social media never lies, not mine at least Ali: I'll tell you all about it, whilst Ma tries to tell you she quit the fags years ago, like 🙄 Ali: 💃 Ro: Of course. Well, there has been a kitty there so the universe should stay on our side with that one, hopefully. Ro: Hm yes, if anyone asks you got back before I did, there's not much I can do if social media decides to answer instead though alas Ro: Oh Tess, no offense intended, but truly I'd much rather hear what you have to say Ali: Oh, Bluebs, hope she was alright with the fireworks, I paid Rocky with a selection box to keep her company but bet he was too busy being a hooligan come 12, nutter...but I'm sure she hid herself nicely warming the blankets for us anyway, like 😽 Ali: Did you and Meena have a good time? With all dem 💶💶💶 you can both more than make up for missing the hottest part night of the year, ay Ali: Bless her heart, though perhaps take her pack away from her still, you'll be helping her and, you might need one after I fill you in, like 😉 Ro: I can't tell a lie there was some bribery involved for us too with the older kids. They had me baking and the text advice I received from Tommy wasn't as helpful or coherent as usual Ro: We definitely earned our crusts it has to be said Ro: I think Meena would've liked to join you so you might want to play down the finer details when you fill her in but no complaints here, fussy children aside Ro: I draw the line at that level of trickery, we'd both be caught if I even tried I think Ali: I think its to be expected, babysitter rules are there are no rules, or very few, ESPECIALLY when it comes to sugar 😋 Lucky kiddos, I would kill for a sweet treat rn Ali: Maybe I can push it and see if the old man is any fit state to do a fry-up too, mmm Ali: We should deffo ring Tommo then and be annoyingly loud and cheerful 'cos he always gets hangovers un🍀 🦆y Ali: Payback Ali: Well her brother was there so she wouldn't have been able to have all that much fun, like, I'll be sure to downplay it though, tact is so my strong suit 😏😂 Ro: Oh? You'll be glad to hear then that I had the foresight to make enough cookies to bring a batch home. There's still a few that could be claimed by you if you're quick enough. Ro: I can make no such promises about a proper breakfast but time will tell I suppose, I'd consider it favorable if you work a little of your own magic Ro: You have plenty left don't you? Ro: We'll likely need an actual spell to wake Tommy after all Ali: Faster than a speeding bullet, me Ali: I can climb these drainpipes like nobody else 🐈💪 Ali: I'm sure we could concoct a pepperup potion, getting him to drink it is another kind of magic altogether Ali: even if we settle for calling it an energizer smoothie or something muggle Ro: Perhaps we could say it has lots of biotin that'd make him more inclined for sure Ali: When quiff is life Ali: He truly is sweet 16 Ali: And 15 is looking up for me too, fingers crossed and knock on wood rn, this is gonna be our year, Posy, and that ain't the after-affects still talkin' Ali: Wished on every 🎆 in the sky Ro: Wishing is very powerful so I'm not surprised, I am very intrigued though Ro: Go ahead Ali: I'm in 💚 Ali: 🙃 and now hiding under the covers eeeeeeeeeeeppppp bye Ro: Did Marlene get off work early last night and surprise you? That's so lovely Ali: No, no, no Ali: It's all but ended and it will be if my feeling is correct and reciprocated Ali: We'll be better off as friends, honestly, I can't give her what she wants but I can be there for as a mate so that's what's best, she'll see that given a bit of time, I'm sure of it Ali: That said...do you think I'm a total slag for who did surprise me last night now? 😳🙈 Ro: Oh okay. That makes sense Ro: No Ali, I'd never Ro: Is it someone I know? You've mentioned Meena's brother already... Ali: Oh lordy no 😂 Drew is an alright lad really but no, he's not the sort, definitely would not be reciprocated, he's got half the girls at School after him and he loves that Ali: More power to him but you're getting warmer Ali: you know the lad him and Meena live with, don't you? Caleb Cavante, in my year too Ali: 😍 Ro: I think so? He's always in the music block isn't he? Ro: He smiles a lot. Not in a weird sense though I don't mean that Ali: Oh Ro 😂 you make ME smile Ali: sounds like him, cool hair Ali: obviously, I knew of him before last night but it was just like...right time, right place, you know? Ali: Sounded triter than all the 'new year, new me' posts aren't I? Ro: Not at all Ro: It sounds like a fairy tale and we're treating it as such! Ro: Did you kiss him at the end of the countdown? Ali: Oh no, I forgot to lose a shoe...Typical, on the one night to make throwing dancing shoes aside count! But I suppose he won't have to search the kingdom high and low Ali: Back at School Tuesday Ali: At least this promises to make my weekdays more entertaining at any rate Ali: Mhmm 😊 *Gameshow host voice* BUT THAT'S NOT ALL Ro: What else is there? Did he lose a shoe instead? I dread to think what I'm missing here... Ali: [Improptu selfie with the tattooed finger over her lips like a moustache] Ali: Not saying that trumps 'Facebook Official' but 😎 Ro: !!!! Ro: did Caleb get a tattoo too? Ali: Oh silly me, yeah Ali: [Photo they took together post-tattoo] Ali: Big n Lil dipper, its cute, right? Ro: Oh my god! You better not post these, Tess will kill you, but Ro: I think that's adorable Ro: Did it hurt so much?? Ali: She'll love it Ali: we did it ourselves, on each other Ali: thank god he wasn't really crap, unfair, I'd have to go over it myself 😂 Ali: Not really, doing lil dots like that by hand is probably the most chill way to do it, it really wasn't anything to think about even Ali: I could do one for you, really get the mumbot shorting a circuit 😈 Ro: Really?! Weren't you scared?! I would be. Ro: Ali that's so brave. He must have trusted you and vice versa to such a degree Ro: Only you'd get all of this out of the way before a first date has even happened Ro: No wonder you're so giddy Ali: Nah it's not scary, you can watch next time I do one on me, if you like, see for yourself Ali: Promise it isn't dead gory or anything Ali: I'm thinking of doing a Clitocybe rivulosa, our 👑 achievement in witchery to date, you want in? Ali: Won't show Mum that one forreal, she'd lock us in separate dungeons again 👎💔 Ali: Yeah...it felt good to get that shit out of the way, this way, if he wants to look down at his hand ever again and not be reminded of a bad memory, we'll have to make it good Ali: Clever, non? Everyone will think its ridiculous, I know, but I trust his intentions now, which is more than I can say for any of my previous Ali: Bar Marlene, of course, although technically she didn't set her intentions but not in a malicious way so we're letting it slide Ro: Do you sincerely promise? I'd like to see the whole thing for myself before I make any of my own but Ro: It does sound lovely. I'd be jealous if I wasn't so pleased Ro: No offense to Marlene, oops, I'm getting carried away here Ro: It is happy news though Ro: I mean, a love letter on skin, that's just Ro: It makes me speechless Ali: 🤞 Ali: ❌💚🙏☠💉👁 Ali: Me too, it's catching Ali: It'll be better in the long run, she can find her a wifey Ali: I know, I just- ahh Ali: He just text, asking if I got Home alright Ro: Sorry but this boy is a keeper Ro: that's so gentlemanly it's like we've stepped into Austen Ro: Are you nervous about school? It just sounds so magical and classrooms are so...well, not, aren't they? Ali: Better! He wasn't stand-offish and rude to me at the party, only to be won 'round by my wit, humor and independent spirit Ali: Clearly, he's more clued in and go-with-the-flow than Darcy, a win in anyone's books, even Jane's Ali: Hmm, not particularly, nah Ali: I'm not overly concerned with what other people think, so that won't spoil it, fat chance Ali: and we've always had a certain talent for making the mundane magical, haven't we? Ro: Jane would be spinning! Lydia with all her apparent lack of concerns for 'social conventions' has nothing on you and I have little doubt you'd be overjoyed by whatever 'disgraces' Caleb had in mind Ro: A much better match that anything she'd have conceived no doubt Ro: School seems so far off still but now I really am envious that you've made certain you'll have reason to look forward to it. Very unfair! Ro: The only fly in the ointment, potentially is what Marlene might say, how much are you going to tell her? Ali: 🙊 Ali: I'd be happy to regale you with the night's disgraces but I have even less doubt that you'd rather not hear about those details Ali: You're not trying to tell me you've previously nearly eloped with Caleb yourself though, are you? 🤔 Georgiana Darcy is a pretty good fit for you Ali: Now that would be a scandal worth the gossip 😏 Ali: Perhaps you can join me and make the music block your new haunt for a bit, give the library chance to REALLY miss you, like Ali: Hmm, no doubt she'll say things she'll regret when her pride is less hurt Ali: but they aren't prejudices against my 'fake' sexuality I haven't heard before, from her as well, so 🤷 Ali: I understand why, not that I agree with her. For one, I can attest to the reality, and also, I've not got any issue with experimentation, whatever the outcome but I see her frustration Ali: Serious as she is, about, everything Ali: It'll be okay, if she doesn't want to be my friend then alright, her loss frankly, but I'll always be there for her if she chooses Ro: To be honest, no I would not. It's much too early in the year, and day, for all that Ro: Oh goodness! Flattered as I would be to considered an accomplished woman, I fall short in all necessary regards, least of all the elopement alas Ro: Hm, as much as I both enjoy, and clearly need the practice for that comparison to hold true in any sense, I think I'll leave you to the necessary haunting yourself Ro: True. She's always been very vocal, hasn't she? I can understand if you slightly relish the opportunity to leave her speechless just this once too Ro: And it really would be her loss if she chooses that path to go down anyway Ali: What can I say? I'm an overachiever Ali: Couldn't even help myself, like 😎😂 Ali: No you don't, and you're a year younger, you're well ahead of the curve set and it ain't even necessary for a lady to have pleasant hobbies and talents in our day and age so Ali: You're an overachiever too, that's why I loooooove you 💚 Ali: S'cool though, suppose we don't wanna turn up en masse, put him off his A game, bit rude Ali: It is one of the things I admire about her but less so her dogmatism Ali: No one is always right about everything, even me 😜 Ro: Thanks I suppose Ro: Though I probably shouldn't pass on that wisdom about not always being right to everyone else at the kitchen table Ro: Not if I would like to live to be a year older at any rate Ali: Honestly 🙄 Ali: No wonder they love Marlene so much Ali: Ma is gonna be gutted, no doubt it'll be all my fault Ali: like lowkey but damn, woman, show a little loyalty when your daughter can't 😂 Ro: She'll calm down as long as you keep your gentleman caller away from the door for a while I'm sure Ro: When is the first date set for actually? Oh so exciting! Ali: Yeah, we've both agreed as much Ali: For Lene's sake as much as mother's Ali: Gotta get my house in order Ali: I don't know, ooh, what should we do?! Ro: There's always the open mic if he'd adore being serenaded Ro: Sounds like you'd have time to work on a dedication if not a song Ali: THAT IS A FANTASTIC IDEA Ali: I'll bring out an old classic, best to stick with what I know and am best at for max best impressions Ali: Can always go new and exciting with the outfit 🤩 Ro: Exacty Ro: Your full of good ideas when it comes to that Ro: Oh! We should go donation diving. New year, new clothes to peruse through Ali: Yes! We must we must! Ali: Best time of year for it, ungrateful fuckers binning their unwanted presents Ali: Regift 'em our way 🙏 Ali: Marlene wants to meet up later Ali: Looks like we're doing this today then, ugh, we can hit the charity shops tomorrow maybe? The sales rush shoulda died down a bit at least Ro: That works for me, I'd rather not fight for my faux furs, somewhat defeats the desired purpose Ro: I'll be around if things with Marlene go according to plan, or otherwise and you need to talk it out Ali: Agreed, though I'm down for granny bashing our way to the bargains if needs must Ali: I'll be getting some practice in today, like 🙃 Ali: Thank you though, Posy Ali: Sure it'll be fine Ro: I know it will. You can do this Ro: I can condone that much at least, your shopping behavior less so Ali: 😽 Ali: With you on my side, how could I fail? Ali: She is getting narky though so watch me waltz down the stairs and out again like missed me missed me

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