#i’m braindead rn tbh sorry..

[elliesdoll]

𝜗𝜚 thinking about sitting on abby’s lap. taking over all of my thoughts. like you’re assigned with her on a little patrol sesh and a few other ppl. u guys ride on the back of those combat truck thingies, but there definitely is no room for ur butt on any area of that vehicle. so, reluctantly offering, abby leans back a bit and pats her knee gently. “you can sit here, if you want.” and jesus you can’t tell if you’d rather die or if this is what you’ve been dreaming of. you shake your head, not wanting to make a fool of yourself, you shake your head and laugh. “no no, it’s fine. i can crouch here.” while gripping the side of the truck, knowing you’re bound to slip from the gravelly bumpy roads you travel on. abby shakes her head and ushers you with her hand. “cmon, you’re gonna bust your ass if you do. just sit on my leg, it’s no big deal.” you don’t wanna hold up the group any longer, so you oblige. you sit yourself snug on her right thigh. god, it’s so firm and so thick. she’s just pure fucking muscle. you had that underlying fear of being too heavy or uncomfortable for her, but abby never looked happier. leaned back, elbows resting on the edges of the truck while she talks with manny. internally though, she’s freaking out a lil. but you know she’s too cool to show it. as you guys drive off, the bumpy path makes you slip a bit, using your feet to try and steady yourself on her leg. abby takes notice of this, and grabs your hips ever so gently, sliding you up to her upper thigh. “don’t want you to fall off.” she says, to which you respond with an awkward chuckle and a nod. your ass obviously now has more room on her firm lap, and she just keeps you there. definitely not gonna get back to ur room and ride the fuck out of ur pillow, fantasizing abt her thighs. how badly you just wanna grind your cunt down so slightly— maybe she wouldn’t notice with how bumpy the ride was. you resist of course. if only you knew that abby was resisting turning you around and having you cum on her thigh right then and there, in front of everyone else.

need her in a way that creates a new sin in the bible sawry

photo creds to seraqhite on pinterest 😝

daily click palestine masterpost read this!

#dolly’s stuff 𝜗𝜚 #tlou2 #abby tlou2 #abby anderson smut #lesbian #abby tlou #abby the last of us #it would heal me #i’m braindead rn tbh sorry..

[elysianslove]

HI SAL yes agreed please do dick analysis for all the fandoms- due to horny brain i think you should start with haikyuu/the captains OR aot OR sk8 JAHAHSJ I CANT EVEN DECIDE DJFJ THIS WASNT HELPFUL LMAOO SORRY -🐰

it’s way too late in the am rn and i can’t sleep so i’m doing a dick analysis for the haikyuu captains. thank you very much. 

this is probably hella unrealistic but ,,, that’s the beauty of fanfiction <3 

other versions: haikyuu aces dick analysis, haikyuu setters dick analysis, haikyuu middle blockers dick analysis, jjk dick analysis 

HAIKYUU CAPTAINS DICK ANALYSIS 

daichi sawamura 

AH FAT DICK. it’s like heavy, oh my god he’s hung. he’s not so long, probably somewhere around 6.5 inches, give or take, but my god he’s THICK. relatively veiny all along, and the tip is a very dark pink when he’s properly hard. he’s not completely clean shaven, but very neatly trimmed for you, cause he’s a sucker for deep throating. it curves a little to the right too, and always, always, fills you up so well. cums so much, like lowkey got breeder balls. so much that as he fucks it into you it just trickles out.

oikawa tōru 

this the one i was excited for. prettiest fucking dick oh my god. it’s long, not so thick, but proportionately so. like around 6.8 inches i guess? but it’s literally mouthwatering type of gorgeous. curves to the right, not too prominent veins along the shaft, a pretty pink tip, i’m sorry but his balls are pretty too. everything about this man is gorgeous and no i’m not biased shut up. he’s exquisite at his technique; the way he rolls his hips and grinds into you? magical. and he’s clean shaven too, just cause he actually prefers it that way. also when he’s very sensitive his cock twitches and bobs so much it’s so cute. 

kuroo tetsurō

BIG DICK <3 BIG BIG BIG DICK <3 he’s like 7.1 or 7.2 inches and it’s. wow. very veiny, long, thick. he’s got it all. tip is a pretty pink naturally, so it gets like an angry red when he’s hard and drooling. it doesn’t really curve, maybe like tilts slightly to the left, otherwise just bobs straight up against his stomach. you will, you will, feel him in your stomach, regardless, just cause the way he fucks you makes sure of that. i can’t decide if he’d be clean shaven or not tbh. on one hand, he hates the messiness and wants to shave it all off, on the other he couldn’t care less. either way, he’ll do whatever you want :) 

bokuto kōtarō

the fattest cock of them all. it’s so fucking thick you can never get your fingers fully around it, like they never touch when you stroke and fist at his cock. he’s a good 7 inches, maybe 6.9, no maybe 7.1. listen. idk he just has a big fucking cock, so fat it makes you cry even if he’s spent hours fingering and eating you out. the stretch of the head only hurts. you’re braindead by the time he sinks in fully. it’s so veiny too, a tip that’s a light, pale pink, with the fattest, heaviest balls. fucking breeds you on god. doesn’t shave, i’m sorry. i mean unless you actively tell him, he really won’t. 

kita shinsuke 

does shin have a fat cock or a skinny long cock, that is the question. i’m settling on kita is a good 6.6 inches, and relatively thick. needs a good stretch before you can take him, that’s for sureee, but his dick is so pretty you deadass wanna just nuzzle it. he also always smells and tastes hella good. leave it up to kita to set The standards for men. it’s not that veiny honestly, with a tip that is a mauve ish color and the shaft a golden tan. his dick is so heavy in your hands though, and the outline when he’s in sweats <333 clean shaven, absolutely. it’s for him, for you, for the better of society. gorgeous dick for a gorgeous man 

ushijima wakatoshi 

hello monster fucking community <3 please there’s no way he’s anything less than like 8.5 or even, dare i say, 8.7 inches. he’s just so big, and he’s absolutely clueless about it too. god, he’s so fucking BIG y’all. massive cock. it takes hours if you wanna properly prep for him, but honestly, no matter what, you’ll be crying and heaving as he sinks into you, because he just stretches you open so much that it feels like you’re being split open. half of his cock is in and you feel him in your throat. he just. ruins you. bright pink head, veiny as fuck, and neatly trimmed! heavy fucking balls, so big and heavy. 

terushima yuuji 

i’ve seen people say he’s got a pierced dick and honestly? not beyond him. i have to say, yuuji’s probably got a big dick, longer than it is thick, at maybe 7 inches, like on the dot. it’s curved, but like sticks up straight, you get me? so like missionary is literally heaven with him, especially when he gets all into it and literally just bends you in half. he’s actually clean shaven, like completely, but it’s for the aesthetic, as he likes to say. pretty, pretty, pretty pink tip. he knows what he’s doing but only enough to make it feel good. the potential is strong with this one. 

futakuchi kenji

skinny dick but long. like he’s a 7.1maybe a 7.2 inches, but his girth isn’t too much. will he be bruising your fucking cervix though? possibly. prepping you involves fingering you as deep as he can, and you don’t understand why until you’re taking him and there’s more, more. more. it’s honestly kinda a pretty dick too, with a golden tip that flushes slightly, barely red, when he’s hard, and one or two veins along the shaft. he’s clean shaven because otherwise he just disgusts himself. nice balls, what more can i say? they sit nice in your hand you know. 

anyways— im. idk what to tell y’all. maybe i should apologize. 

#haikyuu smut #hq smut #daichi smut #oikawa smut #kuroo smut #bokuto smut #ushijima smut #terushima smut #kita smut #futakuchi smut #sal’s thirst tag <3

[wintersolqiers]

 [ question tag ]

tagged by: @seungssxo​, a gem

1. Are you named after someone?

Nope, my name is the name of a flower!

2. When is the last time you cried?

Long story my dad accidentally pulled out bad old memories (thanks Jade egbhvdfs) it was in... April. 

3. Do you like your handwriting?

Ugh. Sometimes but usually not.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?

...champagne ham?

5. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

I mean I certainly hope so tbh I like to be likeable idk if I achieve that though

6. Do you use sarcasm?

Yeah

7. Do you have your tonsils?

Yep

8. Would you bungee jump?

Sounds fun!

9. What is your favorite kind of cereal?

Uh... 

10. Do you untie your shoes when you take off your shoes?

Depends on the shoes, but mostly yes I have weird feet

11. Do you think you’re a strong person?

I... wouldn’t know, really.

12. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Lemon sorbet always!

13. What is the first thing you notice about people?

I seem to always say eyes, but I don’t actually... know? 

14. Red or pink?

Depends on the type of red or pink? But like... a pinkish red?

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself?

Y’all this is too hard 

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now?

Blue, and I don’t wear shoes in the house I’m asian lmao 

17. What was the last thing you ate?

Dinner? Gyoza and rice. 

18. What are you listening to right now?

Shuffle has blessed me with my own song rip I’m about to skip though (rip #f699b3 i’ve got nothing against you i just don’t like my own voice)

19. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Purple? It’s my favourite colour and it’s the first character of my name. Also, my hair is currently purple too so? 

20. Favorite smell?

.... basketballs oops

21. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

My mum

22. Favorite sport to watch?

Uh... soccer and baseball, mostly. Tennis and basketball sometimes? But I don’t really watch sports. 

23. hair color?

Black naturally, but it’s ombre indigo/purple rn

24. eye color?

Black, the dark of ages past

25. Do you wear contacts?

No, but I have glasses

26. Favorite food to eat?

Mochi, but it’s hard to choose

27. Scary movie or comedy?

See I love scary but I regret it immediately after, so comedy

28. last movie you watched?

Uh... I feel like I’ve watched something since Wonder Woman but it’s just not coming to mind 

29. What color of shirt are you wearing?

Black

30. Summer or winter

Winter? 

31. Hugs or kisses

....neither I’m not a very touchy person sorry

32.What book are you currently reading?

Does it count that I opened Bereft, read one word and almost threw up with war flashbacks from high school? 

33. Who do you miss right now?

Uh... friends, I guess? 

34. What is on your mouse pad?

I don’t have one? 

35. What is the last program you watched?

Braindead! I love Braindead!

36. What is the best sound?

Other than like, music I guess I really like the sound of gravel under my feet?

37. Rolling Stones or the Beatles?

The Beatles!

38. What is the furthest you have ever traveled?

I can’t tell what’s furthest tbh bc like, which direction? But America or Europe?

39. Do you have a special talent?

I wish my man 

40. Where were you born

In the AU of S 

I tag: @thyme-machines​ @barricaderenegade​ @sassocrates​ @lukalunar​ @pikelet @forevermorgue @lovexmh @wittenberg @justidksurpriseme @softearedyoda @annajolras @snappykiddo @forbyun @sehunhoney @hoshimybabe @prncssjn @minghaochanjoshua @sergeantsneakyboots @pandamito @buckysmyspiritanimal

You don’t have to do it I just... wanted you guys to know you’re great, and get to know some new followers!

#shut up elise

[allofbeercom]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Murder On The AYTO Express

HELLO AND WELCOME to without a doubt the most lit episode in history with the most fucking braindead bunch of degenerate fuckpoles you’ve ever seen. Seriously, the casting this season is A-1. And by A-1, I mean that half of these castmates will probably end up in jail one day.

As someone who thrives on the drama of others appreciates good reality TV, this episode brought me more joy than I could have hoped, and I actually learned a thing or two in the process. For instance, did you know that behind the creatures that live on Geles’ eyelashes, there is actually a genuinely fucking insane monster-woman?

Also, in exciting news and by request, my betchy Jewish mom has decided to return the world of and I’ll be featuring some of her commentary. This show is such a great bonding experience for us because I can consistently say “see mom, I at least I’m not throwing bananas at people on National TV” and honestly, I think that’s all a parent really wants to hear from their kid <3

AFTER THE MATCH UP CEREMONY

They got 4 beams and party like crazy, because nothing is more exciting than being drastically behind in life.

Keith celebrates by lifting weights in overalls, and watching him do so is as close as I’ll ever get to the Midwest. He’s talking to Alexis about how the best way to handle not being a perfect match is to have a threesome with whomever their perfect match actually is. Alexis is like “seems like a legit solution” and this kids, is why our country is in shambles. 

They both eventually promise not to hook up with their perfect match. Psh, sure, Jan.

Kareem and Alivia are considering pulling their heads out of their asses and accepting the fact that they are almost certainly a no-match. Alivia is like “Keith is literally what I asked for in this game” and it’s like, soooooooo, wanna tell us what you’re doing with poor man’s mobster over there?

THE CHALLENGE

Keyana apparently got way too lit while celebrating and sprained her foot. Because it’s Keyana and the only athletic thing she’s ever done in her life is run in whatever direction Michael is in, she is in crutches with a full fucking cast. *cough, cough* pussy *cough*

It’s officially the best challenge of the year: The exes are hereeeeee! And hey, there is Taylor from last season? Hun, if you wanted another 15 minutes of fame, shoot for the stars and audition for . 

Apparently she’s Joe’s ex and color me shocked. I honestly never pegged Taylor as Joe’s type (and vice-versa) but I think it’s so cute that they can cut costs and share hair products. Lord knows everyone from season five needs to save as much money as possible.

The game is speed dating like and the castmates have to hang out with their ex while other castmates come and interview them. One time my boyfriend and I saw my ex at a bagel shop and I legit hid behind a trashcan, so honestly I’m cringing forever.

Here’s a couple things about the exes (sorry, you’re not safe from this either):

UCHE’S EX: My mom and I both agree that either she met him at Church or she helped him when he had fallen and couldn’t get up. Seriously, how old is this dude?

SHAD’S EX: If Shad was as good of a boyfriend as she said he was, he should have kindly pointed her to the nearest hair salon.

CLINTON’S EX: Poor girl got the fucking FBI shakedown from Uche, but I don’t trust anyone who calls fooling around “sexual encounters.” Who let the narc on this show?

DD’S EX: Is from her junior year of high school. Damn, the desperation levels are strong with this one.

MICHAEL’S EX: Looks like she probably has the personality of cardboard. So very obviously still into Michael, which makes me think she probably has the brain cells to match her shining personality.

MALCOLM’S EX: “Well… she’s not what I expected.” – Mom. That’s putting it kindly.

MY FACE LOOKING AT MALCOLM’S EX:

ANYWAYS, Geles and Taylor seem to be hitting it off in the way only two fame-hungry, moderately hot girls can: fucking screaming at each other over a dude with a man bun and chipmunk teeth. It’s not a good look for Taylor, but as the professional drama expert here at Betches (please see my LinkedIn for more), I’m putting my money down that Geles probably came in more crooked than her left eyelash atm.

As they continue to insult each other, I realize this might be the fight I never knew I needed? TBH watching people sink to their low really has got me thriving. Either way, putting on my expert hat again, editing is a fickle bitch and I’m going to explore the ever-loving fuck out of Twitter (or employ the detectives on the AYTO subreddit) to find out EXACTLY what happened.

Oh also, I forgot to mention that Shad apparently lasts for like, three seconds in bed. Just a heads up!

Overall, Keith and Alexis win the challenge. Say what you will about these redneck trash bags, but those fuckers know how to win. Take notes, Democratic Party. Anyways, Keith picks Alivia. Alexis, in a form of petty that is honestly inspiring, picks Kareem.

MOM: Alexis and Kareem need to reroute their date to the nearest asylum. 

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Anthony decides DD might be his match and wants to get to know her better. Cute, stupid Anthony. Anyways, he sets up a drinking/20 questions game on the balcony of the boom boom room.

Malcolm, the perpetual cheater, gets super mad that they even looked in the direction of the boom boom room and is like “WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOM BOOM ROOM!” Of course, in a move that MTV def made happen was exceptionally dramatic, he runs and tells Geles too.

Geles is like “DD is easy and I want to throw her down a flight of stairs.” Well that’s not cause for alarm. Maybe Kareem and Geles should give love a shot. Also, that’s pretty tough talk coming from a girl who is like 85% silicone. DD would beat some ass, so I’m pretty excited about this possibility.

What’s even worse is that this game Anthony and DD are playing is totally innocent. He even asks her if he can kiss her and she says that “she has too much respect for Malcolm to do that.”

Meanwhile, in probable-domestic-violence land, Alivia tells Keith that Kareem is like pushing her away by being the most controlling and shitty human ever. Huh, what a weird concept.

She tells Keith that she’s afraid of Kareem and Keith’s like “I’m not afraid of Kareem.” Okay, so suddenly the whole fanbase (me, the subreddit and six teenage girls in Brazil) want to fuck Keith. This episode has so many twists.

Keith and Alivia start kissing and Alivia immediately does what she ALWAYS does and runs her ass to Kareem to tell him. She’s like “I’m sorry, I wanted to be honest.” Whoever told you honesty is the best policy was seriously disturbed. Of course, Kareem feels so betrayed, which is crazy because I didn’t know psychopaths could feel any emotion.

When DD leaves the date with Anthony, Malcolm immediately calls her a “dick rider.” Which would be okay if you were starring in a superhero porno, but otherwise it’s like, the most insulting shit I have ever heard. DD rightfully flips out because that’s just like, the rules of feminism.

MOM: Well, this explains his ex. — That’s like, way harsh Tai. REAL PIC OF MY MOM AND I:

THE DATE

They go to a palm reading and tarot cards reading date. Really MTV, y’all take Kareem’s and Alexis’ crazy asses into a witch shop? This is the lamest episode of ever.

Alexis is like “I’m super into witchcraft” and I’m honestly afraid for Keith rn. She’s got little white bread voodoo dolls in her eyes.

Alivia and Keith have a pretty real chemistry so they start making out again, obviously. Nothing gets Keith’s dick harder than the fact it’s probably going to be chopped off by Alexis within the next few hours.

Kareem and Alexis, meanwhile, are bonding over their shared mental instability. Kareem decides to tell Alexis about Keith and Alivia’s kiss and they rile each other up faster than a Disney Channel movie basketball team hearing an inspiring speech in the locker room at halftime.

They are like “just because we fucked up and did the same thing doesn’t mean that anyone else can!” Republicans have the weirdest logic.

Alexis and Kareem do the mature thing and confront Keith and Alivia on their date. Alexis yells at Keith for not telling her and how they agreed not to hook up with their matches. Keith is stuck in the age-old predicament where he tries to decipher what “hooking up” means.

Alexis thinks it’s a kiss and Keith thinks it’s anal. Tale as old as time.

If you think Alexis is crazy, Kareem is like, hold my beer. He’s hitting shit and yelling at Alivia while Keith stares on, wondering how this dude escaped his padded cell. Of course, Kareem has to fucking throw a table at Alivia and now MTV brings in producers, because maybe, just they have a problem here.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

The only thing I have seen Geles do in this house is shit talk, apply makeup and pine over a very average-looking dude named Anthony. Geles is basically every sorority sister I have ever had.

Geles and Malcolm team up to belittle DD for doing nothing wrong, and DD is not having it. She and Audrey start yelling back at Malcolm/Geles and it’s a mess.

TYLER: I hate this place, but it’s great.


ME AND MY MOM: #tru

TRUTH BOOTH

DD and Anthony explain exactly what happened and Malcolm is like “everyone knows what happens in the boom boom room.” Everyone knows there is money in the banana stand.

Terrence J is like, “you know the boom boom room is like, the only room with a door, right? Maybe they just wanted to get away for a second.” Malcolm acts like someone just explained quantum physics to him.

This show should just be called “twentysomethings considering basic concepts.”

Nurys and DD, bonded over the fact that Malcolm ain’t shit, make up and become friends. There is no stronger friendship than one bonded through mutual hate. That’s like, the only friends I have.

Keith word vomits that he and Alivia kissed again and of course Alexis and Kareem flip the fuck out.

Alexis tells Keith “to go die” and is two seconds away from asking her murderer cousin for a repeat performance. Terrence J is like “damn that’s harsh”, which is a weird way of saying “YOU ARE A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.”

Alivia calls out the hypocrisy of this whole thing and tells the house about Kareem throwing a table and everyone in the house is like “what, Kareem?! No way!”

Shad’s like “hey, if I was a girl I would not want him to be my perfect match.” As a girl I also want sex to last longer than two seconds, but sometimes dreams are meant for when we are sleeping.

Zoe is like “I thought Kareem was my match but he’s getting a little too domestic violence-y for me.” Oh, did you not tell the matchmakers you wanted that?

MY MOM: You know poor Alivia’s mother is somewhere praying on her rosary that Kareem is not her match.

Kareem stands up, starts yelling, and leaves the room. He swears that Keith and Alivia are not a match and now he hates Alivia and is going to start the smallest chapter of the He-Man-Woman-Haters Club in the boom boom room.

Of course, Keith and Alivia go to the Truth Booth. They like, want this to help them win the money, but more importantly they want this so they can tell Kareem to take his perfectly sculpted facial hair and fuck right off.

The episode is about to end, and if it ends on a cliffhanger I will throw my laptop across the room. Kareem is obviously affecting me.

Because there is no such thing as happiness on reality TV, they are a NO MATCH. Gotta say, this bummed me out.

Kareem and Alexis start laughing their asses off, while Alivia and Keith make their walk of shame towards two people who legit want to murder them.

MY MOM: Is this going to turn into a murder mystery show? I actually really like that angle. — Your move, MTV.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-murder-on-the-ayto-express/