#i’m a vegetarian and i ain’t fucking scared of him slapped in middle school

[deansbipanic]

i often wonder how much donttrustme by 3oh!3 subconsciously influenced my decision to become a vegetarian

#i’m a vegetarian and i ain’t fucking scared of him slapped in middle school #and still does now tbh #not spn

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #15: Happiness.

Written: 1/7/2017

When Harold was walking home from Planned Parenthood, where his girlfriend broke up with him after the procedure, he found a coupon for a free steak, lying on the ground right by the street, and for the first time in a very long time he had been lucky. He didn’t know if he liked steak or not, he had never tried it since he was raised as a vegetarian, and still was so, but he wasn’t sure if he was happy as one or if it was just something that came naturally to him at this point. Deciding to sit at the curb and stare at the picture of the steak on the coupon, he was wondering if this was a sign that he should finally try meat, but then after enough time went by of him staring, he realized he had never heard of the restaurant before, and a quick search on his phone revealed that it was located in a city on the other side of the country, so he decided to just put the coupon in his wallet as a sort of lucky charm, and resumed his walk home.

At one point he passed by a deli, and then started to walk backwards so he could see inside the window, which was filled with meats and cheeses. The meats looked delicious, even though he had no idea what they tasted like, and he grew tempted to go inside. Maybe the coupon wasn’t a symbol of luck, but instead was that of freedom, and that he should become his own person. After a couple minutes of deliberating he stepped inside, eyes closed, taking in the smells, and when he opened his eyes he realized he walked right into a middle of a robbery that the goods in the window were obstructing. A man in a ski mask turned to him, aggressively gesturing his gun towards Harold’s face and the floor, so Harold complied, got on his knees, and put his hands over his balding head, sure he was going to die. After a bit the man knelt down to get a good look at Harold, who was more than anything trying not to cry, unhappy that in one day he would lose the life of a potential child and that of his own, but was suddenly surprised to find that the man had started laughing and was patting Harold on the back.

The man, smiling, lifted up his mask and said, amused, “Harold? That you?” Harold was shocked to see that it was his old high school friend, Lenny, “Its me, Lenny. Lenny Meyers?”

“Yeah yeah..” Harold tried to stifle his tears, “We were in debate together, you would always make bullshit arguments to..” He stumbled a little on his words. “To get extra points, you were always a wily sonofabitch.” And like the robber, he began to laugh.

“How are you doing man? I haven’t seen you since the reunion. How long has it been, five, ten years?”

“I think five? But didn’t I see you at Martha’s”

“Oh yeah, her kids brisk, how could I forget about that? The rabbi showed up piss ass drunk and-”

“And then he still somehow talked his way into performing the ceremony-”

“Yeah yeah, then he nicked the kids dick and it was a huge mess, screaming all that, but that man was somehow so calm,” they both paused to laugh in memory, “and what was it that that old drunk kept saying when Martha was pummeling him, it was something like-”

Harold, his fear draining away, began to imitate the rabbi’s voice, “It must have been god’s will for him to be a woman” They both laughed again and it felt nice.

“What have you been up to man, what are you doing lately? You still work at the-”

“No, no, I was laid off a year or two ago. I finally had to give in and now I’m taking up the old man’s mechanic business.”

The cashier still had his hands in the air, unsure if he was supposed to wait or what.

“So you’re fixing’ cars now? You were so against that back in the day, its weird to see where you end up.”

“Yeah, yeah, life’s a strange thing. So you’re uh?” Harold vaguely gestured at the gun and the cashier, who was in the process of putting his arms down and quickly raised them back up when attention had been drawn to him.

Lenny looked back at the scared cashier, gave a shrug to Harold, and laughed again. “I actually own a couple chain restaurants right now. Its not really an enjoyable business, but it makes me a lot of money so I guess I can’t complain.”

Harold remembered the coupon and fished it out of his wallet, then displayed it to his friend, “Is it this place?”

Lenny grabbed and inspected the coupon, but then returned it unsatisfied, “Nah, I’ve never heard of that place in my life.”

Harold put the coupon away unsatisfied, not sure what it meant yet. Maybe it was a way for him to run into his old friend, but then suddenly a question cropped up in his mind, “Hey, so if you’re making a ton of cash then why are you…” He gestured once again at the confused cashier.

“Oh, yeah. Well, I don’t know. The restaurant business is great, I guess, and apparently I’m good at it but, just… just sometimes I don’t know. Like, the more I do it I wonder if its really for me, like I’ve just turned into this person that I’ve started to hate and it feels like my life is just moving on a set of tracks and I just can’t get off. Robbing stores gives me a sense of control, you know? Like when I do it, I know its because I’m choosing to, and I enjoy it, you know?” Harold didn’t understand but he nodded his head anyways. “Like, I’m not doing it for money, or power, cause I already have those things, but like I just chose to do it. No reason other than I just fuckin’ wanted to, and I guess it gives me a little bit of self security. Like I know who I am when I do this.”

Harold began to understand what his old friend was getting at, and although he would never steal anything or threaten to shoot people, like a maniac, but he also felt like he had no control over his life. He hated his job, diet, the facts that he was balding and single, and most of all he wasn’t sure why he was doing any of it, it never made him happy, he wasn’t sure who he was anymore. In a way he started to admire his friend. “Huh.” That was the only appropriate reaction he could think of, and the look on Lenny’s face showed it was exactly what the robber wanted to hear.

“Yeah man, the only thing that matters in life is your happiness, and if you don’t got that then well, you’re basically like uh,” he pointed at the cashier, who was struggling to still keep his arms up, “Whats your name?”

“Uh, Bruce.”

“You happy with your job Bruce?”

“Well not at the moment I guess?”

“See? Brucey here is in the same boat, and his life ain't about to get too much better. You shouldn’t end up like him Harold, you gotta be free. How can I help free your spirit, cause you look like the saddest mother fucker I’ve ever seen, and you should see the assholes that come into my restaurants.”

Harold thought about it for a second, looked around, and then realized where he was at. “Well, uh, I actually came in here to try meat for the first time and-”

“First time? Oh yeah, you were always one of those vegetarians, I forgot about that. Why are you quitting?”

“Well I never liked being one in the first place, I was just sort of-”

“Say no more my good friend” Lenny clapped his old and sad friend on the shoulder and then turned to the cashier, “Say, whats your best uh-” he turned back to his old friend “What kind of meat do you want to have for your first time, anything special on your mind?” He twirled his gun in the air, laughing, “Don’t worry about the cost, its on me.”

“Uh, well.” He thought about the steak coupon, and maybe this was what it was for, maybe steak was what he was supposed to try, “Well maybe steak? I have this coupon and-”

“Wait, why are you bringing up that coupon right now-”

Harold started to fish it out of his wallet again, “Well I found it on the street and I thought maybe it was a sign that-”

Lenny slapped it out of his balding friend’s hand with the same look of anger he had when Harold first walked in, “The only thing it was a sign of was that you found it on the god damn street, I don’t think you’re processing this right.” He put the gun back into his friend’s face, “Now what meat do you want? Huh?” Harold didn’t know how to react, which set the gunman off “You better fucking pick something, just grab whatever you want, make your decision.”

Harold looked sheepishly to the cashier and asked, “What would you sugges-” and Lenny smacked him in the face with the gun.

“I SAID WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU PATHETIC BASTARD?” Harold was confused and just sat there with tears in his eyes. “Let me tell you this now, the only mistake you can make right now is to not grab something.” The man was still frightened so Lenny cocked his gun.

The cashier decided to ask, “Wait, that thing never had a round in the chamber?” But Lenny motioned away at him with his hand, obviously busy playing life coach, and the boy decided not to push it any further because the gun was loaded now. He started to wish that he would’ve gotten that internship like he wanted instead of agreeing to work at his old man’s deli.

Harold meekly rose to his feet, looked around, gun pointed at him the whole time, and walked up to the deli counter. He was sweating and shaking, much more than the cashier, and looked at the meats. “Uh, prosciutto looks good I guess.” Bruce quickly grabbed a handful of the meat and gave it to Harold, who looked back to see Lenny still pointing the gun, then motioned with it towards the lump of meat. Harold panicked and bent down a little bit, eating the lump out of the Bruce’s hand, and the cashier turned his head away in disgust. It felt like a dog was eating a treat from his hand.

Lenny walked up to the counter, lowering his weapon, and smiled at his friend who he put his arm around. “So, how was your first taste of freedom?”

“Uh, good I guess? I never tasted anything like it so-”

As Harold talked the business owner no longer focused on his words and stared at the prosciutto on display, starting to get hungry himself. “Hm, would you recommend it? Looks kind of good now that I think about it.”

“Well, I don’t know, I’ve never had meat before so I don’t know how to-”

“What about you kid? This shit any good? Actually-”he began to look over the selection more, “What would you recommend, whats the most high quality shit you got? And don’t try to pull a fast one on me cause-” he winked “-I’m in the business to you know.”

Bruce looked over the selections, and tried to remember the lectures his dad would give them every time they restocked but he couldn’t remember since he never paid attention. At that moment he wished he paid more attention, but he also didn’t wish he worked in the deli anymore so wouldn’t that knowledge have been a waste to him either way? As much as he hated the robber, the speech he gave about deciding for yourself and being your own person really stuck with him, and he thought, screw my old man, he’s asking me so I’ll give him my opinion and that’s the one that counts! He glossed over the display with his eyes and a sausage caught his eye, it was probably the only meat he never got tired of, and he presented it to the gunman. “Here you are Mr. Meyers.” He beamed as he handed it over, hoping the robber would be pleased with his decision. After this was over he was definitely going to quit, and-

“Aw, shit? How’d you know my name?” Lenny then patted his face and realized he still had his mask up, so-without hesitating-he put around in Bruce’s head. The kid’s blood and viscera splattered against the back wall in a red circle that slowly moved down the wall, and the body of the kid himself landed-at first- on top of the counter, but then slid down and plopped onto the ground. “I can’t even eat this raw anyways” He said about the sausage. “Kid just made all the wrong choices.” Harold just stood there, not knowing how to react to the scene, and just watched Lenny go behind the counter and grab a thing of salami-he had no clue what the proper name for it was- and then just bite into the thing. The gunman looked down at the kid’s body and laughed, mouth full of salami, and said “Man, did you see the look on his face when he handed me that crap? He seemed so proud of his decision-” he was laughing so hard that tears started to well up, “but he still got brained anyways!” He paused for a bit to catch his breath, and Harold was still standing there, frozen. “Well anyways we should probably get outta here, somebody probably definitely heard my gun go of so uh,” he put the salami in his pocket and fished out a card of the same one, “Hit me up anytime, it was nice getting in touch.”

Harold took the card and studied it. It was a business card of Lenny’s and displayed the restaurant name: Family Funhouse. It was all done up in circus colors and he just stared at it.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever been there,” Lenny explained as he was quickly cleaning the money out of the ATM and stuffing it into his duffel bag, “but we do like fair food, like deep fried stuff, but we also got normal food and junk, its kind of neat.” He started filling the bag with meats and cheeses. “I don’t know if you have a family or anything but if you do decide to come by just ask for me, I’ll give you a meal on the house.”

#Well Meaning Shut In #Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Getting Better