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iamnotthereanymore · 7 years

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i feel like my two irl friends don’t like me (probably mostly for stupid reasons) but then also i got in touch w/ a friend from college to tell her i’d be moving to her city / ask if she’d be down to chat about it, and i haven’t heard back from her, so i’m suppressing the urge to freak out and self-harm, because i was already upset about the thing w/ my irl friends -- one of them has canceled on me three times in the last several (idk how many) months, but only when our other friend couldn’t make it (so only when it was just gonna be me & her, instead of the three of us all together). so it’s like???? what??? does she not want to spend time with just me? does she need our other friend there as a “buffer” to be able to tolerate me??? i mean, i feel like the two of us aren’t as close with each other as each of us are with the other friend, but...??? we could change that??? right??? but i worry that maybe i’m triggering to her for ed reasons, or that i talk too much when it’s just the two of us, or that i’m a shitty friend, or a shitty person in general, and i just... i feel like i’m just such a toxic person that nobody wants to be a part of my life right now. first my irl friends, and now this friend from college, although if she’s mad at me, it is because i am a shitty friend. i am the shittiest friend. i don’t keep in touch becasue i’m terrified. i am terrified of being close to ppl, of being honest abt my feelings, about reaching out first and being the first to start a conversation, like, my social anxiety is so bad that i get super nervous just like hitting the like button on a friend’s post on social media. i don’t do it. like, ever. because it’s not just “saying something” to your friend, but fb also announces it to your whole goddamn feed that you have an opinion on whatever, and i’d rather just disappear and not have anyone remember that i exist, and fb announcing to the whole world that “amialone liked so-and-so’s post” does nothing to further my mission to disappear from memory and from other people’s lives. also, i have such a hard time asking for help (in IP, i was assigned the impossible task of asking a nurse for a cup of water. a goddamn cup of water. hit the call button, wait for the nurse to come in, and ask for water. couldn’t do it.) but i asksed my friend from college for help, and ??? three days later now??? no response??? oh mygod this is the end of the world i am a terrible person becasue this person i reallyr eally like deosn’t like me oh my god send help fuck. i want to cry now and i hate crying. fuck crying.

oh also this shit is probably why i get upset / feel self-conscious sometimes when i post shit on here and don’t get a single response ever for months at a time, e ven though i -- by nature of the above reasons, i.e., being completely fucking terrified of socialization,and of existing and being known to exist in general or whatever -- never comment on or rarely ever like other people’s posts on here. but like i like screaming into the void, but i hate screaming into the void and feeling as if the void is looking back at me, but just ,, like, with a blank look in its(?) collective face(s?) and just , like, not saying anything. just quietly judgging me and holding me in contempt, as, a worthless speck of literal human garbage. like fuck. i hate existing sometimes, and i hate like... everything about having relationships or not having relationships or trying to and feeling like i’m always failing and always will fail and never will and never can succeed... it’s just... painful. always. and then even when you like someone, you can’t actually let them know bc that’s just embarrassing. humiliating. and totally gives them a power over you that you don’t want them to have. and you cant’ afford for them to have. vrfjul k kl ylrioyhvglimu h iouh oih i hate everything why can’t ppl just repsond to my messages always even tho i never do the same, and also repeatedly reassure me taht they like me and are not mad at me and don’t hate me for being a piece of shit person even though i am ??? huh??? why, god? (no answer required)

#also i low-key kinda am starting 2 wonder if i may have bpd after all #...like maybe all those therapists / psychiatrists / w/e who diagnosed or tentatively diagnosed me or w/e.. maybe they weren't all assholes #or just like ignorantly diagnosing me bc 'u r a difficult patient + are afab + also self-harm' therefore u have bpd #maybe they saw something in me???#but idk bc i never got the chance to ask them bc they never told me abt the goddamn diagnoses!#i just saw them in the copies of my charts that i got when i was applying for ssi #...ooooh what if i cut up my old pt charts and turn them into a zine / art piece???? holy fuck #ok bye

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