#i will choose to quote fucking stranger things instead of feeling emotions because feelings are an automatic L i refuse to take

[trobeds]

💌

i cant believe you. fucking attention whore (translation: glad you sent me the 💌 because i have a lot to say). i literally have so much i love about you do you think im going to pick ONE thing?? fuck no lmao. i adore you jay i love you so fucking much okay do not forget!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is a WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you should be feeling threatened right now because i am holding a knife to your throat on the astral plane.

i love that you never fail to make me laugh i love that you get me into your interests i love that we watch south park together i love that you give me song recs i love that you make me playlists i love that i always feel loved and safe and comfortable talking to you i love that you hate being sappy but i still get to be the exception like wtf!!!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THE EXCEPTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! btw i love when you say sappy shit because u will come out and say things that literally make me smile uncontrollably for like an hour no matter where i am at the moment and just feel so so good which i dont feel that often anymore so like. <3 i love that you joke around with me but i can always tell youre just fucking around and that like you dont actually hate me n shit i love that you exist and i love that you take time to talk to me i just love you so so SO much and this is so long already but i love you and everything u do and will not hesitate to talk about it

(im not fucking biased okay youre like. objectively an easy person to love okay!!!! at least it feels that way to me and im never wrong so yeah. ily) <3

#why jay is the only person in the world and if you dont love him on purpose but also because you cant help loving him because he is #so so so <3 and !!!!!! and ahdfjskhfdskjfh then you fucking suck and should eat shit and die #an essay by me :) #this is so sappy im being embarrassing I KNOW okay but also only love makes you crazy sweetheart and that damn stupid #i will choose to quote fucking stranger things instead of feeling emotions because feelings are an automatic L i refuse to take #my mailbox 💌 #moots 💓 #jay <3 #guy i drag around with me idk why (ily) <3

[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

Okay, so imagine this

Kaer Morhen is a place that little boys go to die, if they’re lucky, or they become witchers. 

(In some ways, Strangers Like Me is what fucking ran thru my head literally all night last night. I wrote nothing, I could not sleep, and my brain SPIRALED all over this)

And somehow, despite the world beating him down and beating him down and beating him down and shelling him out over and over, he runs into an idiot bard who has no fear of him. Who slowly goes from thinking he’s a simpleton to realizing there is a man in there, a boiling seething lake of feelings and anger overtopped by a thick layer of ice. And the bard makes it his life’s mission to help him learn that he is human. (the whole fic idea is more Geraskier, but it has to START the development elsewhere)

he also bumps sorceress who teaches him love and anger and all sorts of other things -fancy table manners, philosophy etc. He has access to things with her he’d never have had in the keep. She teaches him how to eat chicken on the bone with a fork and knife (book canon), and all the other fancy utensils because he’s a person dammit and he should know that his napkin goes in his lap. He devours her books, and since she can read minds she can draw out the conversations from him. She teaches him how to have those conversations and those debates. 

TWs for all the canon compliant fucking misery that is Geralt’s life. Child abuse, neglect, assault, etc. 

Geralt is incapable of believing good about himself, or expressing himself normally or knowing what to do in social situations. He mimics, he copies, he attempts to replicate, but if the situation changes he isn’t sure what to do. 

Trauma gives us 4 options. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. He knows how to fight, but sometimes it leads him to battles he’ll never win. Flight is usually safest. Freeze can also work well, but he doesn’t know how to fawn, no one’s praised him enough or taught him how to give praise or fake affection in turn. Usually, he chooses to freeze until he can assess better. If there’s no blades drawn, it is time to freeze. 

( I am looking at this purely from a child abuse perspective) 

He has no idea what to make of Yennefer. She is rage, and greed, and feelings, and luxury. She teaches him to fight back. She teaches him you can be angry and people will not always leave you. Some children/adults will do anything to please someone in hopes of affection until they feel safe, and they begin to test boundaries. And with Yennefer, he’s allowed. Neither one of them knows how to process emotions in a healthy way, not really. But if she wants to throw a jam jar at the wall -not at him, never at him. She doesn’t want to hurt him. She’s just angry and has to break something. Better the jar than herself. Or him. He learns to stomp and yell right back, to knock things off the dresser or desk. Maybe it’s not a good lesson, but it’s something. 

She teaches him choice in bed. He’s never had choice in bed, he’s never made love. He has had sex. Voluntary, involuntary. Me for her, let the girl go, use me instead. He heals. He always heals. He can kill them if he wants to, but that raises more problems than it solves. Kaer Morhen has no women. He learns very little about making love there, either, feelings are forbidden. However, he learns to keep himself silent and still as his cock is stroked, he learns to not let the bed so much as creak the slightest bit, not the softest change in his breathing. He learns how to use precum as lubricant because there is nothing else, and while he doesn’t learn how to kiss, or fuck, he learns how to touch. There’s no kind of education like that. It’s control, management of pain, seeking approval from people who rarely give it. 

Yennefer gives him approval. She gives him choice, and she teaches him to move his hips. She teaches him it’s alright to breathe through it, to beg for it, to twitch, it’s okay to want something for himself. He can’t reconcile it, can’t adapt well to it. But in bed, with her, he allows himself to be freer. It doesn’t translate for him, into other situations. His learning is contextual. He has trouble applying the lessons she tries to teach him to other social situations. He can fight back with her because she likes him. He can argue with her about books because she starts the conversation for him because he doesn’t know how. He is heinously smart, he can read, write, and speak at least three languages, he can synthesize information so quickly it stuns her. If he’d been chosen as a mage, if he could access the Source, he would set the world on fire. 

She teaches him to say ‘no.’ It’s not something he knew he could do. Not outside of negotiating a contract. Most of his world is lived inside of his own head because he isn’t allowed to offer opinions unless someone asks. Other than contracts. There is a script, there are rules, he can say ‘I won’t kill that’ or ‘that’s not enough coin’ or ‘no.’ Those situations he can talk freely and articulately. 

They experiment in bed, to a point. She can tell when he’s getting cagey and stops. She never makes him say ‘no’, never lets it get that far, because she knows he’ll freeze. When he’s vaguely curious about light bondage she simply tells him to see if he can even stand to put his palms on the headboard and not touch her. He can’t. He can’t stand it if she won’t touch him, either, when she offers to return the favor and see if he likes that edge of control. He doesn’t. She’s had other lovers, but none like him. None as broken and angry as she is. (The book says, it flat out says, they did not know HOW to be kind, but they wanted to be, and so they were, when it describes how they make love.) They try other things, some things he more tolerates than enjoys -the unicorn. But he doesn’t hate it, he just doesn’t prefer it. 

He can’t admit to feelings, he can’t admit to loving her, and so she can’t tell him because he isn’t ready to hear it. He can’t believe any of it, and so she can’t say a word. Telling him would chase him out of her life forever. When he tries to share things with her, when he tries to push himself to describe any part of himself, she listens. She uses many of his failings against him when they fight, but never what he tells her in confidence and struggle and broken words. When he tells her ‘they botched it’ meaning they botched him, he’s worthless, not made right, and horrible, she tells him perhaps she is the same. 

Eventually the fighting is too much, the frustration at themselves is too much. They can’t heal each other. What they need doesn’t line up yet. 

They break apart and he travels again, happy to reunite with Jaskier. Not that he understands that feeling. But something feels ...easier, with the bard around. He tries on occasion to engage in conversations, just sharing a random fact or quote with the bard and Jaskier doesn’t realize what Geralt is doing for weeks until Geralt stops and he finally asks him what his quote of the day is. Geralt visibly perks and Jaskier finally understands what Geralt has been trying to tell him. He finally asks the right question and Geralt talks to him for hours, long after the sun sets, as animated as his training allows him to be, describing how he’s connected this human myth to an elvish historical event that is corroborated by the dwarves, he had to read it in Elvish, and also Dwarfish, but he can’t find a written version of the myth he’s only heard it spoken or sung. 

Jaskier takes him to Oxenfurt and leads him in and out of guest lectures. They sit in the back so Geralt can hide, because that’s what he does. Don’t look people in the eye unless they tell you to. Don’t look up, don’t be big, don’t exist if you can help it. And he hides and scrunches in on himself, but he listens, and the bard lets him pore over libraries and scares off anyone who would complain at a mutant witcher touching precious tomes. Geralt is gentle, and careful, and sweet, and he deserves to read what he wants, he deserves answers to questions about the world he could never find in Kaer Morhen where his only training was how to survive as a witcher. 

Jaskier teaches him how to answer the question asked, not just say what he thinks people want to hear. That’s not what I asked you. I asked what your preference was. He learns that Geralt was very much raised to believe children should be seen and not heard, in terms of himself. He doesn’t speak up, doesn’t offer anything unless asked. Not unless it’s about witchering, then he is allowed. And so he makes sure to ask. Are you hungry? Would you like to stop for the night, too? Does that hurt, it looks like it hurts. And Geralt learns to listen to the words, and he learns if asked, he is allowed to speak for himself. He doesn’t have to do what he thinks Jaskier wants. Unless prompted, around people, he rarely speaks, rarely converses, and just tries not to be terrifying. Keeps his head down, hood up, he doesn’t want to be hurt. He’s sick of being hurt. He’s sick of going hungry, he is sick of being miserable. And he has found if he is invisible, people leave him alone. He doesn’t get stoned, he doesn’t get beaten, he doesn’t get chased out for just wanting a bed to sleep in and a warm meal. If he doesn’t take up space, he can exist. Jaskier speaks for him, people think perhaps he’s a simpleton who the bard travels with, they don’t know the quick mind behind the eyes focused firmly on the ground. 

It constantly breaks Jaskier’s heart. He has never seen Geralt smile. He has never heard him laugh. He has heard him talk with intonation on occasion, and usually only when reciting what he’s been told. He is an incredible mimic for tone and pitch and it astounds the bard. When he asks Were you even listening to me at all?  and Geralt begins reciting everything he had said, with perfect inflection, since Geralt’s last one word response, perfect tone, perfect everything other than he doesn’t change his voice, his gravelly voice will never soar into tenor heights. 

Children, ones who don’t know what he is, love him. Parents who don’t know, don’t see the swords strapped to Roach, they don’t mind the bard’s pet simpleton playing pat-a-cake with their children, they don’t mind them teaching him to make flower crowns. Or watching them draw in the dirt. The children never think he’s stupid, they like him all the more for knowing they aren’t, either. He lets them pet his horse, and boosts them into the saddle. He helps them reach fruit on tree branches, and pulls down prickly berry vines full of blackberries so they can gorge on the sweet fruit. Jaskier loves watching him with children, because he’s less guarded. He starts out small, makes himself so small, so nonthreatening, and when the children realize he’s happy to play with them, he relaxes. The tension leaves him and the villagers ignore him. Any adult stupid enough to want to play with children, to humor them, and listen to their stories can’t be right in the head. The bard’s assurances he won’t touch them or hurt them goes a long way. 

He used to freeze and flinch and shudder whenever Jaskier touched him, because he could not understand. He still doesn’t. Emotions make no sense, touching for affection that isn’t between lovers makes no sense. Jaskier stays with him, so they must be friends. He’d admit it openly if asked. He doesn’t understand he loves the other man. He wouldn’t know that’s what he was feeling even if he was told. He feels nothing, it’s a scooped out shell, there is nothing inside of him other than sometimes anger. That’s why he had to leave Yennefer. She was the sun and he just reflected her warmth, he had nothing of his own to give back. 

Patently untrue, but there’s nothing that would convince him otherwise and Jaskier doesn’t try. Geralt is ridiculously capable and educated, and wonderful and the bard does what he can to praise him when he can because he knows Geralt needs to hear it. No one praised him or loved him as a child. Hugs are still foreign and after years of them his first instinct is still to flinch. He will sleep comfortably draped across the bard, or with the bard curled into him. He doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t have the same personal boundaries other people do. If he’s cold, and Jaskier is there, he sees no reason not to share heat. 

It had given the bard heart failure when they’d been sitting around the fire after eating and Geralt had just started pleasuring himself without understanding why that might not be socially acceptable. He’d offered to help the bard first. Not wanting to give Geralt another reason to be ashamed, or small, or scared, he had declined, and wondered in what world could a boy grow up afraid of being held, but feel perfectly comfortable jerking himself off in the company of others. What had been even odder was the witcher had continued their conversation as though this was normal. Hadn’t lost focus, his breathing had never changed, he hadn’t seemed to take much pleasure from his actions, and Jaskier couldn’t understand why he was doing it. 

It had made his heart hurt in new ways. It’s a perfunctory action, meant to relieve an itch, not something for pleasure’s sake alone. Everything he does has function and reason and logic. 

When they run into people Jaskier knows, and they want to talk to the white wolf, or see him, or bother him, Jaskier tells them to leave him be. He won’t talk to them. His poor witcher gains a bit of a reputation as being a tame monster, trailing his bard on a leash and killing monsters as directed. 

When they’re low on grain for the horses, he goes to busk and see if he can drum up coin. When he comes back to pay the stablemaster, the last thing he expects is for Geralt to be paying with his body, a blank expression on his face as he braces himself against the door of an empty stall. He looks at Jaskier without any kind of shame, any understanding of what’s happening to him because he needs feed for Roach, and she needs a warm place to sleep out of the muck during the rainy seasons. Her hooves need to be dried out, he needs to borrow tools to clean the frogs and check her shoes. He might need the services of a ferrier. He’ll get a bit of coin for this and then some extra. If it isn’t sex with a lover, it’s just a transaction, what should he care? The bard escapes when he realizes only Geralt saw, and pukes his guts up into the gutters. He’d have tried to stop it, but the stablemaster was bigger than he was and he couldn’t take the risk the man would hurt Geralt. 

The horses taken care of, Jaskier uses the coin he’d earned to have a bath drawn up and helps Geralt bathe until all trace of stable is washed away. He tries to ask, and when Geralt openly tells him it’s just better that way, he bites his tongue so hard it bleeds rather than reply or push the issue. He has coin, they’re fine, Geralt won’t need to do that again while they’re together. 

He notices how the witcher gets thinner after, stress and shame eating his insides even if he won’t admit it. He’d been the heaviest Jaskier had ever seen him after living with Yennefer for a few years. Healthy. Shiny hair, bright eyes, enough meat over his bones to hide them. Slowly his spine creeps through his skin and the bard can count the vertebrae. It will pass, and he realizes he’s seen this pattern. This has happened before he just hadn’t seen. It passes, Geralt finds lucrative contracts, and his body fills back out. 

They continue to work on what feelings are. Geralt remains baffled by the fact the bard will not bed him in any capacity, and doesn’t understand why they can’t share a little pleasure. Jaskier knows if he gives in, Geralt will never let it progress beyond more than just skin on skin. He’ll never understand it could be more. He has to wait, he has to keep pushing for the witcher to understand there is more. 

They happen upon a town, and a small girl, perhaps three or four years old, picks flowers by the side of the road. There’s a house visible in the distance, but it’s awfully far for a small child to have wandered. Geralt immediately looks around for a dead body, half expecting to find the child’s mother dead in a ditch. Nothing. When she notices his hair peeking out from under his cloak as he crouches down to talk to her, she pushes the fabric off his head to twirl her fingers into his hair. He barely breathes as he asks her where her ma and pa are. She points at the house and said she wanted the orange flowers. He looks over and sees that while there are what seems like thousands of wildflowers much closer, none are the color she’s currently collecting. The child will be missed soon enough, he supposes as he offers her a seat on his shoulder. Before she accepts, she splays small fingers under his eye and he freezes, waiting for her to scream or reject him. She simply says ‘pretty.’ When he lifts her up, she tangles a hand back into his hair to help her hold on and keep her balance. She stuffs the flowers into her small apron -probably made more to humor her than for any practical purpose, and occasionally pats Geralt’s head and tells him again, his hair is pretty and he’s nice to take her home. 

When screaming reaches his ears, he knows the little girl’s name is Ivana, and he tells Jaskier, “Make noise, her mother is in the fields looking for her.” The bard’s trained lungs will project far better than his will. His lungs are trained to breathe evenly and slowly in all things. He will endure if he keeps his heart slow and his breathing calm. 

“Over here! We’ve found her!” Jaskier calls, his voice ringing stridently over the fields. He’s not sure how she could hear him from so far that only Geralt can hear her frantic calls, but all the same he sees how Geralt tilts his head and nods to himself. 

They speed up, Geralt’s stride long and even as the woman comes pelting across the grass, crushing flowers, and her skirts hiked up over her knees to keep them out of her way. She gasps slightly when she sees Geralt and the brightly dressed bard, not sure what they will do to her or her daughter. She can see the swords on the roan mare. “I haven’t coin, please don’t hurt her,” she says. 

Jaskier feels Geralt shrivel. “We just saw her picking flowers and knew she’d be missing,” he explains. “We don’t want coin. Not for returning a toddler to her mother,” he protests. When she reaches out for her child, and Geralt obliges by leaning to hand her off, the girl shrieks in displeasure. 

Geralt freezes, one arm half coming up to ward the mother off, but unsure. Why wouldn’t she want to go back? It’s Jaskier who saves the situation by laughing. “I see she’s gotten quite attached,” he tells the anxious mother. “Here, Ivana, come down, he’s very tired and he’s not a pony. You brought flowers for your ma, didn’t you? You can’t show her very well from up there,” and holds out his arms. The girl allows Geralt to pass her over, and he swiftly deposits her on the ground where her mother relaxes immediately. She shows the flowers, and offers Geralt one. 

“Are you a witcher?” she asks. 

“Yes,” Geralt says, careful not to open his mouth too much. His teeth are a bit too white, and his canines a bit too sharp. Not fangs, but some people choose to see them that way. They’d grown in sharper when he’d lost his baby teeth, he’d seen plenty of other humans with teeth like his, but against his pale skin and yellow eyes, the effect was more noticeable. More monstrous. 

“There’s a wyvern, my man, when he gets back from ploughing, he can show you. I see Ivana has taken to you. If you’ll watch her while I bundle herbs, I’ll feed you both lunch.” She isn’t afraid of witchers. “We don’t have much coin, but there’s a bounty on the beast, you can turn it in, if you travel up the road a bit. In the mean time, I can offer you a place to sleep, some feed for your horse, and a meal in a few hours once I’ve finished my tasks.” 

Jaskier knows Geralt is well pleased with the idea just from the shift of his shoulders. “Geralt’s a wonderful babysitter,” he smiles. “I can help you with the chores, I’m sure. Just put me to work. My name is Jaskier, that is Geralt, and you are?” 

“Oh gods above, I’m so sorry, I’m Melina.” She reaches out to shake Jaskier’s hand and the bard accepts warmly, but when she tries to do the same for Geralt the bard gives her a look and she drops her hand. Odd. “Ivana, you mind Master Geralt, or I’ll give you such a hiding you won’t sit for weeks, do you hear me?” 

“Yes, Mama,” she promises. “I will show him where to put the horse,” she says proudly and Geralt makes a ‘lead the way’ gesture at her with a little bow that makes her giggle. He takes Roach’s reins from Jaskier and follows the girl child to the barn. 

“He won’t hurt her?” 

“No, he’d die in her defense in a heartbeat.” 

“But he can’t shake hands?” 

“He wouldn’t know that’s what you wanted,” Jaskier tells her. Not sure if that makes it worse or puts her more at ease. “You don’t seem much afraid of him, considering how we started.” 

“Witchers help people,” she smiles faintly. “My pa would have died long before he met my ma if not for a witcher who saved him on the road. Took a bad rake across his face, though, the witcher. My Pa taught us, even if we don’t know much reading or writing, history turns. People used to trust witchers. Then they tried to kill them all. And they’ll trust them again. Any man willing to risk dying to save others can’t be all bad.” 

“That is what I’ve been saying.” He glances up to see the black-clad witcher come back into view with Ivana swinging his hand happily. He can’t hear her, but he knows she is chattering nonstop. 

“Is he... simple?” she asks softly, watching as her daughter teaches Geralt a new clapping game he hasn’t seen before. He seems to be devoting all his energy to the game. 

“No,” Jaskier breathes. “No, he’s brilliant,” his heart aches. “Will they be alright out here, your man won’t come home and try and beat him with a stick?” 

“No, Roddy would never. He’ll come from the back fields as is. My Roderick is a good man. How could he hit your Geralt for playing with our daughter?” 

“People have done worse for far less,” Jaskier says bitterly. He has no idea why he’s sharing with her. Perhaps months on the road of people being truly horrible to Geralt have made him desperate to talk to someone who isn’t. Someone who is kind. 

“I see.” She shows Jaskier the herbs she’s drying, some to sell, some for home remedies. Vegetables to jar and pickle, and hundreds of other small tasks made near impossible by having a small child to mind. “My boys help their father in the fields, so that he can work on other tasks once they can manage the rest.” As the bard gets the knack for how to tie the herbs, she watches him a few seconds. “So what’s wrong with him?” 

“Nothing,” Jaskier protests. “Nothing at all,” he aches for Geralt. “People, people are the ones who are wrong. He does everything he can to not draw attention. The less he talks, the less he moves, the less people notice and the less likely they are to-” His head snaps up when he hears a husky chuckle from outside. “Your man early?” 

“No, he doesn’t laugh like that,” she says. 

“Who the fuck is that then?” he demands, peering from the small window. Ivana is pointing at something dramatically and stamping a foot and he realizes the laugh is Geralt. His heart squeezes and he blinks rapidly. He hadn’t known Geralt could laugh. Not in all the years they’d been travelling together. “Oh,” he gasps, the wind knocked out of him. 

“Let them be, if she starts to have a true tantrum I’ll rescue him. It’s about time for her to nap, she’ll be fussy soon enough.” 

“Eh, he’ll be fine,” Jaskier tells her, rubbing at his eyes with a knuckle. “He’s faced worse than a grumpy toddler before.” 

“Perhaps, Master Jaskier. But he cannot swing his sword to stop her from inconveniencing him.” 

“He would never. Although, he might turn tail and run in here, seeking rescue,” he tries to turn the conversation somewhere else. 

#geraskier #gerlion #yenneralt #eventual geraskefer #yenralt #geralt of rivia #the witcher

[bigskydreaming]

Something I’ve been thinking about lately is how often like....being inconsistent with the threat/competency level of the bad guys is the weak link in a narrative. Like I’ve talked about this before in terms of the Joker, and the huge gap between stories where his unpredictability and chaos-factor make him an actual deadly threat vs stories where its like dude, he’s just a fucking clown, punch him and its over.

But its a problem a lot of stories have IMO, attempting to ratchet up the threat level of a bad guy in accordance with emotional stakes or intensity, so there’s a rise and fall to the narrative stakes in a parallel way. Problem is like.....yes, things are always relative, but the bad guys’ impact on a story should ALWAYS be fairly intensive, and so amping down the threat level at some points just to build it back up later usually ends up counterproductive....because the end result isn’t an actual organic rise and fall of narrative and emotional stakes, its a rise and fall of emotional stakes alongside “wait where did this sudden extreme competence in the bad guys come from/where did all that extreme competence go.”

A great example of this is S5 of TW. Because think of how heavy the show went on the threat level of the Dread Doctors in pretty much every appearance of them and their minions EXCEPT the premiere. For most of the season, these guys were untouchable, and nothing the characters did could seem to put a dent in them or their plans....which was great for the rising emotional stakes and kept the narrative stakes high.

But now compare that to the premiere, where our first introduction to these characters retroactively was in that they sent one of their pawns, Belasko, to kill Scott....and in doing so set up a situation for Theo to make his debut as a helpful stranger. When contrasted with practically every single other appearance of the extremely competent DD or their very carefully calibarted plans, this was incredibly weak, because Belasko was, put simply, just.....not that big a threat. And so Theo’s arrival at the tail end of the fight was more a “hey I’m new but I helped!”

And arguably, it could be said that the Dread Doctors just underestimated Scott and miscalculated here, but absolutely nothing else in the season suggests that they weren’t otherwise supremely prepared for any and every eventuality when it came to him.....and so the end result, in hindsight, was more of a.....so what even WAS THAT whole thing with Belasko and also how did the geniuses who thought up that.....hiccup assault on Scott and introduction for Theo like.....suddenly level up in Evil Mastermindism from that second on?

WHEREAS. Imagine if instead of trying to artificially create an ebb and flow to the narrative stakes to mirror what the writers were trying to forcibly engineer with the emotional stakes......what if instead the writers had just focused on keeping the narrative stakes and threat level as one thing, and grew the emotional stakes out of how and in what ways their characters reacted to these things?

Like, imagine if instead of the supremely anticlimactic threat of Belasko being offhandedly shoved in Scott’s direction in the premiere to distract Scott/test him/provide an initial in for Theo......instead, the threat level and competence of the Doctors and their plans was just as high from the get go as it built to later on.....and thus their initial introduction were as unseen figures who had no problem capturing Scott with ease......where he met Theo, a long-lost friend from his childhood, THAT way, in a predicament that was confined to just the two of them, forcing an innate dependence of the kind that creates fast and intensive bonds as they have to ‘work together’ (air quotes due to Theo’s pending duplicity) in order to escape.....AND at the same time, sets the stage for Scott to see Theo from that point on in a way that none of the others would later on, thus setting up the perfect breeding ground for divisive conflict within the group.

Because then when you set the stage with the plot and craft the story around the emotional responses to and around and within the plot.......see how much more organically you can pave the way to the same kind of emotional conflicts the season was trying to FORCE to happen? So much of that season depended on the idea that a schism was building due to Scott’s innate trust in others vs Stiles’ innate paranoia.....except of course as many of us have said over the years, Scott ISN’T innately trusting of everyone and just because he chooses to give people the opportunity to prove they can be trusted never meant he was oblivious to the possibility they might not........and in fact, Scott has a whole fuckload of trust issues and always did. (Deadbeat dad, alpha who tried to accessorize his murder plans with him, people who claimed they only wanted to help him and then just kept hurting him, etc, etc, lolololol yeah the dude has trust issues BUT I DIGRESS).

BUT something Scott ACTUALLY has as opposed to a naively trusting nature, is strong feelings about indebtedness. He absolutely feels very strongly about owing people who HAVE helped him or done things for him or, y’know....saved him......so what better set up for sowing dissent between him and his friends than not showing up at the tail end of a fight that was already won, but ACTUALLY saving him from something that nobody else had any hand in a rescue from......meaning that then from that point on, the second Scott made it home helped along by his new-old friend Theo.....suddenly you have an actual organic conflict between friends who see Scott’s vaunted savior acting shady but how do you prove that to the person that guy actually saved and who now feels in his debt because of it. Perfectly positioned to WANT to give him the benefit of the doubt no matter what because this is the guy who saved him when even his friends couldn’t, and who wants to be the ungrateful asshat who assumes the worst of someone you feel you owe your life to?

Basically I just mean like.....look for the opportunities that come from bringing your A game to the actual narrative side of things BEFORE you prioritize charting an emotional course that every other aspect of the story has to revolve around and ebb and flow in accordance to, no matter how weak that makes some parts of the narrative. It can absolutely make a hell of a difference.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #426

“insatiable furnace, burning up our surplus  /  watching all essential life become another servant”

Are you a brunette? Yep. It is way past due time that I get it dyed... What is your favorite channel on TV? I don't really watch TV, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it'd probably be Discovery. Have you ever been to Chicago, IL? Yes!! It's my only experience with a truly BIG city, and though I'm not a city person, the experience was pretty magical. It was something I wasn't even remotely used to. Just so much life and business and energy to feel there. Who was your first friend? Brianna. She was the sister of my older sister's best friend. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. :') Do you regret your last kiss? Nope. Have you ever taken a karate class? No. Who was the last person to tell you ‘I love you’? My mom. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Do you live on your own? Noooo. I don't think I ever could. I would have to stay VERY busy, or else the loneliness would kill me. Hell, even if I was very active in stuff, I still don't know if I could. With how bad my depression is capable of being, it doesn't sound smart at all for me to move out unless it was with somebody. Are your the oldest child? No, I'm the middle kid. How many X-rays have you had in the last 2 years? Two, maybe? One for my legs and the other for my teeth. Are you on good terms with your last ex? Yeah, we're best friends. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? Nah. Do you freak out if a bee/wasp flies near you? ... yes lol. What subjects in history interest you most? The Holocaust. It's just so... shocking and extreme that it's oddly fascinating, but of course horribly sad. Are you superstitious in any way? Nah. How do you get rid of anxiety? Do what? Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? Yeah, my two rings, my lip piercing, and tragus piercing. Has a song ever made you cry before? There are many. ^If so, what about it brought you to tears? Again, I said "many," so this would be a horribly long list. There are four though - "Eternally Yours" and "Another Life" by Motionless in White, "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin, and "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides - that I really, really try to avoid, because I WILL cry. They're all associated with Jason for one reason or another. "Stairway to Heaven," especially, is absolutely forbidden for me to listen to. Would you consider yourself open-minded? Very, honestly. Have you ever met someone online that you wanted to meet in real life? I've met Sara! :') There are a handful of others I'd love to meet, too. Tell me about the last thing that made you laugh until it hurt. Wow, I have no idea. I don't remember the last time I laughed THAT hard. When you graduate, what color will your gown be? Ugh, it was this insufferable red. We got to vote on it, and I really wanted navy instead, as it looks more formal and not as obnoxious to me, but red won. Do you own a gun? No. My household legally can't because of my suicidal history. What color of shirt are you wearing? It's a black tank top. Do you use any acne medication? Nah, I don't really get acne anymore. Are you emotional or very stoic? I'm emotional as shit. Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? A few. There's Fullmetal Alchemist (as well as the Brotherhood expansion), Deadman Wonderland, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. I've seen bits of others. Which baby animal is your favorite? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Once they reach three/four weeks, they're fucking precious. I also really like kittens. Do you like jam on your toast and biscuits? Sometimes. Have you ever reread a book? It is very, VERY rare I do this. The only cases I remember are for Because of Winn-Dixie and Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari. Do you have any religious symbols in your home? I think Mom has some religious quotes on the walls? What religion do you identify with, if any? None. What is you favorite flavor of pudding and/or yogurt? I love chocolate pudding, but I'm not very big on yogurt because of the sourness. I can sometimes eat a cookies 'n cream one, but occasionally I'm like "ew." We’re going to the best amusement park ever, first ride you choose is? One of those water rides where you go down a big slope. Did you have intense night terrors as a child? No. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? No. That'd be dope. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? Ugh, yes. Worst was the first time I got my tongue pierced. It was early into infection though, thank God; I ended up having to take it out and get it re-pierced later. Have you ever shoplifted? No. Do you hate when people say, "Everything’s going to be fine,“ when it’s not? Sometimes. It can feel kinda dismissive of your extreme situation, and sometimes, things simply won't be okay. Like, you can't tell that to someone on their death bed. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? No, oops. Are you a shorts-wearing kind of person? Absolutely not. Nobody wants to see my legs, not even me. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? My grandma's sure as hell was. She was very old-fashioned and "proper" and took cleanliness and manners very seriously. Do you know how to jumpstart a car? Nope. Would you date someone 8 years older than you? Probably. What did you do today? I WENT TO THE GYM AND DID A FULL HOUR OF EXERCISE!!!!! :') For once I am SO fucking proud of myself. I left drenched in sweat, but I also left with a feeling of great accomplishment. I'm going to be going twice a week now with a personal trainer. (: Who was the last person you fell asleep with? Sara. Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? No. People doing that shit terrifies me. Have you ever felt replaced? Sure have. Have you ever kissed someone who was high? No. If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do? I don't have a partner, but hypothetically, leave their ass in a blink. I don't fuck with those kind of people. Do you know who Jeffree Star is? Well, yes. I watch him on YT sometimes and (astonishingly) love his music, and I find his work ethic extremely inspiring. That man knows how to hustle. What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage? Probably sangrias. When was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? "The" ex, it's been years. I've removed all pictures I have of him, irl and digitally, because it's triggering for me. How many push-ups can you do? Probably zero. Do you play any games on your phone? There's Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Dragons of Atlantis that I play semi-regularly. Have you ever received a compliment from a stranger? Yes. Have you ever shaved your face? Just my upper lip to avoid the lady stache, ha ha. What colour is your front door? It’s white. Do you take the stairs or the elevator? If an elevator is available, I will ALWAYS use that. I have an extreeeemely hard time getting up stairs because of having just about no leg muscle. Do you get motion sickness? No. When was the last time you went to your favourite restaurant? Oh man, it's been forever. :/ Olive Garden sounds soooo good right now. Do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings? No. Well, Mom has her earlobes pierced once, but that's it. Are you desperate for anyone’s approval, in particular? It's funny, even though he hasn't been a part of my life for years, I still desperately crave what I think would make Jason proud. There have been many times where my mind has wondered to what he would think of me now... and I know it's not good. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Reading. When was the last time you felt hopeful, and why? Today, after finishing my workout at the gym. I think, finally, that I may be taking another stride forward in life. Do you find yourself asking for the same things for your birthdays and for holidays? Ha, yup: a new tattoo, 100%. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? Girt's recommended some music to me before. He loves sharing songs he likes with me. Of course I didn't tell him it sucked, ha ha. What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? She is very passionate about animals, reptiles in particular, and is simply amazing with them. If you had a child, would you rather have a girl or a boy? A girl for sure. Has anybody ever accused you of doing drugs? No. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Honestly, do you think that you will wanna settle down in the same town you’re currently residing in? HELL no. I hate this place. Does anyone call you darling? If so who? Sara does sometimes. Are you close to any of your cousins? No. Are you a romantic person? I think I am. What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen out the window of an airplane? Mountains. Have you ever been in the mountains when the moon and stars were up? NO BUT FUCK I WANT THAT. Just lay in a grassy spot with some s'mores or something and just ~vibe~. Do people like your hair? I get complimented on it a bit. Have you ever held birdseed and a bird came and ate out of your hand? Yeah, at a bird sanctuary. Could you ever live in Alaska? Hell yeah, I'd enjoy that. On the main page on YouTube, what’re the three recommended videos? There's one by a WoW gold maker, a song by 3TEETH, and a video of bullsnakes hatching. Do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on Myspace/Facebook? Couldn't care less. I only "friend" people I know and care about. Does your significant other have any piercings? I'm single. Do you ever get bored of yourself? Oh, all the time. I feel like I'm extremely dull and plain and, well, boring. How many band shirts do you own? Which? Oh goodness, I have no idea. I own a lot. Do you go to shows mostly for the music, the moshing, or the merchandise? I go for the music. It's nice to buy merch, but it's SO expensive that it's dumb. Moshing, I think is just stupid. Have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now? Many places, actually. So many holes closed because piercings had to be taken out when I was in the psych hospital. I was so annoyed. Who were you with the first time you watched the last movie you watched? I was alone. Do you have any twins/multiples in your family? Are they identical or fraternal? No. What is the highest number of jobs you’ve had at one time? One. Is your mom a good mom? She is the actual best. Last thing you threw in the garbage? The crust of some leftover pizza I had this morning. I generally eat the crust, but this time it was WAY too hard.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''altaer" by 3teeth

[duskholland]

Alright, we’re starting in the SFW Harrison pieces. I can only send five anon pieces, so expect there to be four of these done along with this first piece. If I chose to just send them then I wouldn't have to do four then the last one, but I wanted to let you know what I was doing, though I may able to combine them. Also, sorry this has taken so long, but I’m getting there. It’s been a bit much since December for me, but your stories are the first I’m going to write about, so enjoy hon! Also, hope you’ve had a good day, and I hope you enjoy me blowing up your askbox! ❤️~♉️

++++

He doesn’t like sleeping in empty beds~

“Don’t like them. Too big, too cold, too… Just, they’re lonely, y’know?” He sighs. “Let me stay. Please?” If this quote isn’t the realest thing I’ve read. Sleeping alone sucks, but then again, I may hate sleeping with someone else, I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. Anyhow, I love how soft and sweet it is, and the way Y/n is just wondering if he’ll ever feel the same, but honestly, I think he does and that’s what makes my heart happy. This is so soft and adorable, and I love it ❤️~♉️

You’ve got a bit of sexual tension with your co-star Harrison~

I’m already expecting something soft yet spicy here 🥰. I don’t normally pull end quotes, but the end of this piece just like set me off in a crush way. I’ve fallen for this piece, and I don’t know if there’s a topper. It’s soft, spicy, and so so so sweet. “And when you pull back to meet his sparkling blue eyes, you know your connection runs deeper than the surface.” Such a perfect fic, so beautifully bloomed, I’m kind of dead right now 😂❤️~♉️

You’re a bit jealous of his co-star~

If Y/N isn’t totally, completely me in this piece, I’m so dead. I was getting angry, I felt those emotions, the jealousy, the worry, the uncertainty, and of course Harry is the friend that knows despite the two people that should know having no clue. Love that he’s such a good friend in this, but this quote is another end one, but I needed toooo! “I’m in love with you, Y/N. The only person I want to be with is you.” The way this quote sent me isn’t even funny. I can never have favourites with your pieces, I’m telling you! ❤️~♉️

He shows the engagement ring off to his mum~

The sweetness of Y/N setting up and arranging a birthday party for Harrison and that being the moment where Harrison just like loses it. Like he just felt it swarm him, leaving him falling so much deeper in love with her, and my heart was so so so full for this. This being what prompts him showing his mom the ring because even his mom can see that she’s the one for him, my heart is so full for it. He rummages through it and then procures a black velvet box. “I got it last week,” he admits, passing it to his mum. “Do you think she’ll like it?” That he’s at all nervous says so much because he’s worried that maybe she won’t say yes, maybe she won’t like it, but she’d say yes in a heartbeat, and she’d adore the ring. This was soft, fluffy perfection! ❤️~♉️

You love your best friend Harrison~

This quote was like perfect here, “Harrison, I… I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you.” Because god the heartbreaking feeling that shot a hole in my heart, it hurt ma’am. Then you went and did this. “Y/N,” Harrison murmurs. His fingers pick up your chin, and he gently forces you to look at him. His eyes are so blue beneath the night’s sky. “Why would you do that, when you could just be kissing me instead?” And oh my goddd, you sewed my heart together perfectly here, no hole left, no pain, just complete love. I love this because it could’ve gone so wrong, but you just showered fluff upon fluff upon soft, saccharine fluff on us. ❤️~♉️

That is all of your SFW blurb pieces, and I can’t pick a favorite because they were all so beautiful that I don’t know what I could possibly choose. I’ll do the NSFW today as well since it’s almost five in the evening here. So, your box will be well and truly blown up by me ❤️~♉️

Okay, I said I’d do the NSFW ones as well, but personally, I’m not very good at writing responses to those. I’m going to go ahead and do the OneShots though! Also, I love your NSFW pieces as much as the SFW pieces, and these ones were so so so 🥵🥵🥵🥵 ~♉️

If You Feel The Same | Harrison Osterfield~

So, I love this. The way it started made me feel like I was about to be shattered with angst though, so I was anticipating more than what we got. I love that Sam is so supportive and that their friendship is so well played out here, genuine teasing and just letting go with each other, that’s the best friendship. I absolutely loved the flashback which brought the angst I was waiting for, and damn did you deliver there Oof! “With careful hands, Harrison pries you away from his chest until he can meet your eyes, his blue irises twinkling sadly. “Is that what you really want?” Jesus that sentence, fuck if that didn’t just pull my heart with it, I can’t even! “He shakes his head, fluffy curls resting against your pillows. “Got everything I need right here.” This quote just put everything back together and made my heart soar. I love this piece so much; it's wild, stellar details, amazing emotional progression, and Jesus my heart went awe at 3:33 in the morning. ❤️~♉️

Say Goodnight | Harrison Osterfield~

I’m not going to lie, before I even read this, I’m nervous for angst because it’s exes to lovers and that is making my heart construct in my chest. Okay, here we gooo! Jesus fuck, already breaking my heart int he first two minutes of reading- “Harrison reluctantly pockets the chain, his eyes lingering on the solid curve of the H. “I could never forget about you, Y/N.” Fuuuuuuudge it hurts. “I don’t want to say goodnight yet,” Harrison says immediately, words falling into one another. “I don’t want to stop talking to you, Y/N. Can we please keep talking? Just for a bit.” He pauses, his voice breaking. “I miss you.” Okay ma’am, did you have to do this to me though?! I do was like one of you better call the other back dammit, and thank fuck it was Harrison.

“His mouth shifts up to press a lingering kiss to your forehead. “I love you so much, Y/N. Please, can we get back together?” His words are desperate, but they echo the things you’ve been feeling for months, and hearing them is such a relief that you simply have to kiss him again.” I’ve used so many quotes that I should’ve just done a reblog at this point, but holy hell I absolutely love this piece. Hands down it’s my favorite piece out of all of your Harrison works, blurbs and the OneShots.

Love this one so much, it was a beautiful emotionally rollercoastered set up, again I know that’s not a word but it’s all I can think of right now. Anyhow, I’m finally done with Harrison and will be moving to Harry, but I kind of need to go back to sleep cause it’s like 3:40 in the morning and I have to be up at six… ❤️~♉️

So, I decided to read Adore because it’s the only Tom piece I haven’t read... I’m not sure that was a good idea cause my mind is fucked and I have to do stuff for my wordpress blog now 😂 so anyways... Adore

Adore || Professor! Tom~

Ma’am… Ma’am… what the fuck… this has got to be the hottest piece I’ve read.. I had to take a fucking break, you just… holy fuck. I can’t even think properly, firstly the fucking tension that is so palpable I could feel it buzzing under my own skin! Then, Then, Then you went and had y/n try to get his attention and she did, holy hell. I can’t… you had the perfect balance between steamy and fluffy and my heart aches holy hell, riled me up. Okay, I’ve gotta stop with all that cause Jesus there’s so much I could say. “Then don’t.” Tom runs his hands all over you—your hair, your face, your neck. He holds you so close it threatens to consume you. “I can’t promise anything, and I don’t know what the future might be like for us, but…” He blushes, thin lips jerking into a smile. “I know that if you’re by my side, as my girlfriend, we can get through it.” My favorite Tom Piece, but Sucker Punch is still up there and Bloom still holds my heart completely. You’re amazing!! ❤️~♉️

---

me reading these:

I WOULD DIE FOR YOU I WOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULD. every time you quote stuff back to me i go 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 AHHHH. thank you. it’s so surreal reading all these fragments from pieces i wrote up to six months ago, and to know that it’s still able to give someone joy is just ... unreal. thank you SO much. i have reread these all on multiple occasions fhkjdhfjkd. and ADORE!! goddddd thank you for what you said about it there too :’))) thank you for enjoying it, and sharing your thoughts.

#im gonna do the harry ones in another ask so i can separate them when i come back to reread these hehe <3 #AGAIN !! THANK YOU SO MUCH #I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE THIS NICE TO ME #AND TAKE SUCH MUCH TIME AND EFFORT DOING THIS FOR ME #I APPRECIATE IT SO SO SO SO MUCH YOU ARE A LEGEND !!!!! #♉️ anon #to keep #anonymous

[justsomeuselessvoid]

Halsey- Manic (review and analysis)

Ashley- I’m really loving the instrumentals on this song. It reminds me of an idea floating through space and time. Perhaps the idea is to let go of a relationship that isn’t there anymore but is still floating around for reminiscent purposes. I also think the movie quote is a great way to end such a beautiful, strongly vocalized piece and it goes without saying that it’s the perfect transition into the next song.

Clementine- so while I was going further research on this album, I came across the initial intent behind this song. There are two meanings being voiced in this song. When she sings “I don’t need anyone,” one voice is calm while the other voice is happy. The shouting suggests a state of mania while the normal singing voice is while she is experiencing a depressive state. I like how this is incorporated into the whole idea of the album. It also seems like one of those songs where the fans would appreciate shouting.

I’m also coming across some meanings of my own. The theory that artists are depressed is represented in this song strongly. So when she sings this live, I’d imagine she would maybe sing the chorus instead of shouting it (I’ve never seen her live but trust me it’s on my bucket list.) So artists are constantly involved in making their fans happy. The fans would be screaming this song at the top of their lungs while she sings it.

I am also noticing some parallels which I am a huge fan of. She starts the song off by saying “I'd like to tell you that my sky's not blue, it's violent rain,” while in the song Hurricane off of Badlands, she says “I’m the violence in the pouring rain,” and I absolutely love that reference.

Graveyard- I enjoy this song A LOT. I feel like she went in the right direction choosing this song and the single “Without Me,” to promote her album. I have to say that it sums up the album perfectly. This song discusses the turmoil within a harmful relationship and how she would have stayed had she ignored red flags.

You should be sad- I might get some backlash for this but this song isn’t for me. I love how she is experimenting with different genres of music on this album but I have never been a fan of country style music. I would just find it more enjoyable if I liked country. However, it is not a bad song at all, it just isn’t for me. It lowkey gives me a Carrie Underwood ``Before He Cheats” vibe though, which I am totally on board with.

Forever...(is a long time)- THIS IS WHAT IM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT.  This song is seriously a certified banger. It starts off with a somewhat happy melody and slowly transitions into a somber piano melody which is beautifully written. Then she belts it out with the lyrics “Build love, build God, build provinces. Build calluses, break promises ‘Cause I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it.” I also love how distortion is added on her voice mixed in with a haunting organ in the background. She ends the song with, “talk to your man, tell him he’s got bad news coming,” which I think is absolutely iconic, and yet another great transition into the next song.

Dominic’s Interlude- This song is definitely influenced by music in a different era. I like whatever effect they used on his voice in this song. This would advocate that another person sees the toxicity within her relationship within their perspective, as the lyrics suggest.

I HATE EVERYBODY- I feel like a lot of people can relate to this song and I think hearing it live would be such a cool thing to experience. This was definitely written for fans to scream at the top of their lungs.

3am- The rock influences are without a doubt prominent in this song, and it would be so cool to experience live. She often talks about her rock influences and I'm happy she decided to make it known within her music. I think it works really well for her various influences intervened throughout the album. The song talks about how different relationships affect her and the people she surrounds herself with. These relationships are, however, temporary to avoid loneliness and wishes they were more than just physical.

Without Me- At the end of the previous song, she incorporated a voicemail that praises the fact that this is her best song. I think she is absolutely proud of this song (trust me I listened to it a million fucking times when it came out) and that’s why she put it in the song. Anyway, I think this is a very delicate way of saying “fuck you, I don’t need you.” It’s a great single and I don’t have much to say other than it is absolutely perfect.

Finally // beautiful stranger - She talks about how she comes across a stranger who she is interested in pursuing a relationship with. However, she is afraid to continue in fear that this person is going to take advantage of her because of previous relationships. In light of this conflict, she is hoping that this person stays because she likes this person. I like the guitar progression in this song and the strongly vocalised pieces throughout.

Alanis’ Interlude - It wouldn't be a Halsey album without her pride in being bisexual, and this song does a perfect job in doing so. It starts off with Alanis’ famous strong vocals and delves into pumping drum beats. The lyrics suggest sexual innuendos referring to her physical relationship with the same sex. It established how she feels the same about women as she does men and it does not make a difference to her. She feels strongly about the idea that labels mean nothing and how she longs for acceptance. She also wanted Alanis to feature in the song because of how she impacted her musical endeavors. I love her feature in this song and the harmonies between Halsey and Alanis are ON POINT.

Killing boys- topping things off with another great revenge song. I noticed how she includes “you don’t need me anymore” in the beginning of a song and she ends the song with “I don't need you anymore,” which symbolizes the progress of getting over someone. I would have to say this is my favorite song off the album besides Alanis’ Interlude.

SUGA’s Interlude- I didn’t like this song at first, mainly because I never got into Kpop. But it’s not necessarily a kpop song, which is what kept me entertained. It’s starting to grow on me recently. This song indicates the struggle of wanting to keep going forward and giving up at the same time, which I had been struggling to find a song with this concept until this one came along. I think it is also just the struggle of being an artist and coming to a common ground of making people happy but also keeping yourself happy simultaneously.

More- I was reading up on this song, and she states how it is a song written about a person who does not exist yet. She is referring to her unborn child, which she has also stated having reproductive issues insinuating her struggle to have children. I was so unaware that this was the meaning behind the song and I am happy that she confirmed this because I’m certain that it would help a lot of people going through the same problem.

Still Learning- One of the main themes throughout this album are also condensed into this particular song. This one is heavy on the idea of learning to love yourself, which she is relying on other people in order to obtain that benefit as suggested by other songs off of this album. This song, however, is learning to love yourself without the help of others. It also suggests the downsides of being a well known artist and how it’s difficult to maintain good self-esteem in such a career.

929- This song is just absolutely beautiful. It seems as if she summarized her entire life and somehow condensed it down into 3 minutes. The instrumentals are so simple, yet her lyrics are just rambling one intense subject onto the next. Everything she talks about in this song is powerful. It talks about moving, love, acceptance, growth, and so on. However, I wanted to talk about something worth noting. Before this album came out, Halsey was doing a Q&A on Twitter and a fan pointed out how she stated this is going to be a very personal album. A fan has said, “I feel like you’ve said that about the last two albums,” and she responded with, “Nah. There’s two types of honesty. Answering a question with the truth and offering the truth without being asked. This is the latter.” This is a perfect ending to such a beautifully written album.

I'm giving this album a strong 9 out of 10.  Let me just say that it is INSANELY hard for me to say anything bad about this album if i'm being completely honest. I’ve been listening to it constantly and keep discovering things that I would have never guessed. She hit the nail on the head with the themes and the overall state of mania in this album. An emotional roller coaster for sure.

#halsey #halsey manic #manic #album review #album analysis #ashley frangipane

[farklelucas]

contact, psyche, and wild card for Margo since you said her and Ceto might get along

contact: how does your OC(s) feel about touch/physical contact? are they affectionate? if so, how do they display affection to others?

so here’s the thing. margo. puts up a big front. like, acts like a total bitch, sharpens her nails into claws, angry constantly and consistently. with strangers/people she doesn’t usually feel comfortable with people touching her or touching them, but like when she knows them. oh boy. jackson and liam often put their arms around her or lay with her on the couch, snuggle with her, hold her hand, and she’s totally cool with all that, enjoys it even. and then with girlfriends she like. melts at physical touch. touching her hair, cupping her face, hugging her, holding her hand, (i wasn’t gonna put this one in here but tbh she would begrudge me forever otherwise) touching her ass–all fucking. kills her. she loves it. yes.

psyche: what’s their head space like? do they have any mental illnesses? how do they process difficult or emotional situations? what are their coping mechanisms?

she definitely has depression, because she’s very “i wanna die!” even though she covers it up with confidence and like. leadership skills. her brain is kind of just. imagine baby shark but like a really sad and minor key okay i looked it up and found it and i was not disappointed. so that’s kind of what her brain sounds like, and it looks like. a haunted filing room? idk if that makes sense. anyway she kind of chooses to ignore all emotions and, instead, do literally anything else. depressed? falling down a simply nailogical youtube hole. angry? drinks a bottle of jack daniels. turn it off! (she has no idea what that reference means, what is she, a fucking nerd, liam?)

wild card: talk about any OC! anything you want!

i love her so fucking much. she’s a lesbian and she’s so angry at the world but. mostly at herself. she’s a middle child and kind of resentful about it, but not because she’s always forgotten (it’s kind of hard to forget margo), but because she kind of just… feels lesser. but she’s not! she’s so much, actually, that sometimes delilah and orion (her older sister and younger brother) are almost washed out. also, she’s a dancer!!! like, no surprise, her dad is literally a ballet dancer, but she definitely takes after him. like, delilah and orion can for sure get down, but margo wants to dance for, like, a living, which is part of why she and liam get along so well–they’ve been on the same dance teams since they were little, and margo is like. incredible. also i know no one asked because no one cares about the storyline (beyond victor ahsjdkfl) but she and her (future) love interest?? fucking soft! literally that quote that’s like “in a fight, they’re lethal, but together, they melt.” like god they! anyway just. i love my hurricane of a girl, she’s honestly an angel, im sorry im done hajksldf.

send me oc asks!

#saraid #margo babineaux #gmw #oc stuff #thank you.... so much #i just imagine her rolling up late with a (spiked) frappe and being like 'alright hoes let's get to work' #and ceto just. 'yeah alright let's go' #queen-of-edolas #what kind of woman doesnt have an ask

[polliblogs]

Pray For The Wicked

Favorite band released their latest song yesterday and because I was out with my friends celebrating my birthday, I wasn’t able to listen to it the exact they it got out. All of the songs are great, the tune and the overall vibe. As I was reading the lyrics, it felt so problematic. So problematic that I was able to relate to all of it. Well, some of the songs I just understand very deeply that it feels like I actually relate to them.

Here’s a little introduction to each tracks:

(F*ck A) Silver Lining

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-fuck-a-silver-lining-lyrics

“‘Cause only gold is hot enough, hot enough”

The way I look at the meaning of this line is that, he/she never stops getting the best out of him/herself. Always trying to excel at everything. The end of line shall always be gold. Not silver nor bronze.

Say Amen (Saturday Night)

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-say-amen-saturday-night-lyrics

“If I had one more day to wish

If I had one more day

To be better than I could have ever been”

He/She regrets a few things from the past which they now regret. Now, that person tries to forget these “things” by maybe partying every Saturday night. The music video of this song is actually a prequel to “This Is Gospel” from the last album "Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die” which already has its sequel which is “Emperor’s New Clothes”.

Hey Look Ma, I Made It

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-hey-look-ma-i-made-it-lyrics

“Friends are happy for me

Or they're honeysuckle phonies

Then they celebrate my medals

Or they wanna take my trophies “

So, when you listen to this for the first time, it feels pretty celebratory, party-ish, very fun and entertaining. But when you read the lyrics, it starts sounding pretty depressing. It feels like a deal with the devil, and the things you gotta pay in order for you to “make your mama proud”. Having friends who pretends to be there for you always but in reality, will leave you when they see the real you. The messed up side of you (which we all have). Overall, it’s the insincerity of all things surrounding you just for you to have something to brag about to the world.

High Hopes

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-high-hopes-lyrics

“Mama said

Fulfill the prophecy

Be something greater

Go make a legacy

Manifest destiny

Back in the days

We wanted everything, wanted everything“

This person’s mother obviously wanted them to strive harder, to be better, to be successful. The line “Fulfill the prophecy” suggests that they are destined to “Be something greater” and shall “make a legacy”.

Roaring 20s

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-roaring-20s-lyrics

“Broadway is black like a sinkhole

Everyone raced to the suburbs

And I'm on the rooftop with curious strangers

This is the oddest of summers “

Brendon Urie himself (member of the band) was a part of the Kinky Boots (a Broadway show), where he played as Charlie Price. He expressed his emotions about it by writing this song. It could even be out of the band’s success even after the second to the last member of the left. Brendon Urie is the only one who have stayed.

Dancing’s Not A Crime

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-dancings-not-a-crime-lyrics

“Dancin' ooo, dancin' ooo

Dancin's not a crime, 'less you do it without me, 'less you do it without me”

The lyrics - to me - sounds like a wish. This guy is asking the girl he likes to choose him. To love him instead, and disregard all the other guys. The part that I quoted proves my point enough.

One of The Drunks

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-one-of-the-drunks-lyrics

“Good times, remedy your sorrows

Baptize, don't worry 'bout tomorrow “

The title already suggests the point of the song. It’s about the life of a person who drinks [alcohol] and parties a lot. It states some reasons as to what pushes them to do it and so on.

The Overpass

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-the-overpass-lyrics

I shall first say that I really really love the vibe of this song. It’s just a feel-good, chill and romantic.

“Meet me, meet me

At the overpass, at the overpass

Sketchy girls and lipstick boys

(Sketchy girls and lipstick boys)

Troubled love and high speed noise”

Sounds to me like a story about a girl and a boy who have broken up already, one of them misses the other and wanted to meet at the overpass.

King of the Clouds

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-king-of-the-clouds-lyrics

“I don't trust anything

Or anyone, below the sun

And I don't feel anything

At all”

Honestly, I’m fighting the urge to just paste the whole lyrics here. This song is sooooo poetic, this is my most favorite one out of all the songs from this album. I did some research about this song (again, because it’s my favorite) and I read somewhere that Brendon Urie has a friend who is high [on drugs] most of the time. He got the idea of the lyrics from this said person, the way he sees the world, the way he feels about it and the people in it. So I must thank that friend of Brendon for squeezing B’s creative juices.

Old Fashioned

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-old-fashioned-lyrics

“We were swallowin' the nights like we had nine lives

Dead and gone so long, seventeen so gone”

A song about how we waste our lives “like we had nine lives”. We take advantage of the motto “YOLO (You Only Live Once)”. So, yolo, then live it the best way you can. Strive for success, for happiness, for the benefit of your future. But just not everyday. Some times you can forget, you can party hard, do the things you will regret, but not ruin your life.

Dying in LA

Lyrics: https://genius.com/Panic-at-the-disco-dying-in-la-lyrics

“But nobody knows you now, when you're dying in LA

And nobody owes you now, when you're dying in LA”

It may be a song about a tragic LA experience. First time they came to LA they thought “this is it, finally.” but things went downhill and now they’re struggling.

#panic at the disco #brendon patd #panic! at the disco #patd #p!atd #pray for the wicked #pftw #prayforthewicked #brendon urie #brendon #urie #old fashioned #king of the clouds #say amen #saturday night #dying in la #the overpass #one of the drunks #dancing's not a crime #roaring 20s #hey look ma i made it #high hopes #fuck a silver lining #(fuck a) silver lining #silver lining

[malunedyne]

aesthetic themed ask list: you know the drill fam, all of them now!

BRUUHHH IS THIS BLACKMAIL

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

will i ever be a successful writer/artist of any kind? how can i achieve that?

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

being able to be grateful and enjoy small things in life even if i feel like i’m at the peak of my dysthymia (lol)

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

a very random day i’m not sure why it got stuck on my head some +5 years ago when it was raining and i was outside my house, throwing lemons of my lemon tree towards the neighbors’ houses lmao

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

totally, i would start writing full time and maybe planning on doing some small trips before it

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

-visiting a foreign country (japan would be my dream)-publishing a work (either a book or a photograph in a prestigious place)-be truly in love and loved back

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

-she’s the only one who knows in EXPLICIT detail how my sublimation mechanism works, the biggest of my weakness, what makes me feel shame the most….. a college friend of mine, intellectually clever, emotionally not so much, shares big passion for the same EROS subject

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

-i can’t complain about it, i remember good things mostly, i still went outside and played but also enjoyed video games and cartoons; i was a loner but never felt lonely, my imagination compensated alla that

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

-in the first days of the year in front of my parents lol i was so done with everything

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

-i’d choose my father cause he surely would tell me some good stories or about the myths….. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

-that’s literally what going to therapy almost is lmao jks that’s not therapy well i think if i could feel reciprocated, i would

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

-3 am???? i guess it was my last best friend, but we barely think of each other now

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

-it would depend on a lot of things, honestly

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

-cute and it doesn’t give me the creeps to stare at directly, lmao (eyes too light give me anxiety to hold visual contact with)

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“A Hero must struggle!” how can you know a Hero is a Hero without trouble though? isn’t life made out of trials? A Hero must not be just a muscular, strong figure who makes physical tasks, it also speaks of mental and intern fights too..... I wrote a whole paper on this and would surely write more about it

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

-1000 reasons why thinking everything will solve by itself later is a lie and a bad idea

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

-find another place to live with my family; travel. a fucking lot. but first, give my parents what they need to solve some financial and health issues. donate to environment protection orgs, buy shittons of gaming and anime merch like the hopeless half-arsed grown adult i am

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

-I can forgive anyone but it takes some time. I like being like that, everything that hurts me i sublimate later through my writings, so even that displeasure, has a /creative/ function in my life

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.-bitchyou’re dumb as hell, but wise as fuck. you don’t give three fucks about time,enjoy it while you can. you may have encountered yourself with people who tryto hurt you, mess with you and you feel bad about yourself, but it’s not yourfault in the slightest, nor they are right. never allow them to be in controlof YOUR emotions. you need to stand for yourself and yourself only, you don’tneed to prove shit to no one. Write. Write. Write. and never stop. use everythingand turn it into words: good, bad, fears and dreams. 

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

both depending on the #mood

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain

piercings aren’t really my thing but I like tattoos (not hardcore-like tho), I’ve think of getting one but I get overwhelmed and my mom would kill me lol (if my siblings agreed on getting a small Triforce tattoo and each of us pick one part /i’d pick wisdom tho/, i’d be more than happy to get it done) 

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

I used to wear mascara (but i caught an eye infection, lol), now i just do the basics: powder and lipstick.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

uhm….. i owe led zeppelin a lot because it supported me thru the worst of my first major depressive episode, and i have a thing with Pink Floyd The Wall….. I used to listen it on repeat thru the last straw of it, so it naturally makes me feel depressive and somewhat suicidal ???? but just in thought….. I can’t listen to Dark Side of the Moon because I feel useless as well lol

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

we need to stop being arrogant, selfish and stupid enough to think everything is here to serve us; we can’t dissociate ourselves from nature and the environment as if we were self-sufficient.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

oh now this is sad lol

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

the person who will spend their life with me, and where to find them

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

uhmm….. hehe

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

i set /most of times/ my stuff for the next day, uniform; i eat/drink something and put a glass of water beside my bed, wear my pajamas, pray a little for the people i love, or render thanks for stuff, and think of my stories or some gay shit before till i fall asleep (if i’m lucky enough, i get to dream of it as well)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

-same as u fam @electroma89, I want my parents to know my interest in writing and such, just like my father does buuuuuuuuuuut the topics of my interest i doubt they’ll understand and it’s a total wild card trying to guess how they would react like

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

have u seen MCU’s Gamora? that’s how I’d wear my hair

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

-uh….. lol idk, i’ve always have wanted to go to somewhere quiet and watch the stars

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

-Peace and Love on Planet Earth….. is there anything that’s worth more?-having self discipline….. i swear to Hylia lots of my problems could be avoided that way-meet someone who loves me and i can love back….. my life has placed me in the worst places to know people, i swear…..

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

-i’ve never dressed for halloween, but i’d like to; though i can’t think of any rn lol

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

-opening up to people more than i should had

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

-hurt someone from my loved ones; steal from the poor

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

-only one song??? FUCK i couldn’t say a person, but i’m sooooo special with songs i’m not sure….. maybe Le Cygne by Camil Saint-Saens, maybe that one

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

-i’ve never been, i’ve been infatuated, but in love? as in love for real? i don’t think so

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

-i was thinking in cutting my hair real short…. i might do it next year

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

-i’d trust anyone who acknowledges i love italian sodas instead of coffee lmao

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

-getting some writings done and figuring out what to do once my internship trial is over

BRUH this is some deep shit for real omfg

[simplychaotic]

An Open Letter To: Well, You Know Who You Are

Here we are.  Where is that exactly? Neither one of us has any idea.  We are driving completely blind at 100 km/h in the darkness, just hoping the ride will go smoothly.  This is terrifying.  Because at any moment we could jump a curb and end up top down in a ditch.  Things could go horribly wrong in an instant, but yet we aren’t even trying to slow down.  

The reality of this is, I dove head first into a situation I wasn’t prepared for.  I didn't even look before I leapt; I just started to fall.  And suddenly, before I knew it, I was falling; going faster and faster every second.  I was just waiting to hit the ground, but I didn’t.  Ever since that moment I’ve just been endlessly falling for you, wondering if I’ll ever actually get there.  There are things you do every day that remind me why I spend time with you.  There are things you do every day that scare the shit out of me and make me want to run away.  That’s the hardest part, isn’t it?  Trying to decide if I should run to you, or away from you.  I don’t know if you’re falling too or not, but honestly baby I’m no net.  I’m no comfort.  I don’t know if I’ll catch you if you fall.  I’m far too weak to ever be able to hold a love as strong as yours.

We met in one of the most mediocre ways possible, and we both like to joke that, instead, we met in some cool coffee shop downtown.  Joking comes easy with you; laughing comes easy with you.  I’ve never felt awkward… somehow we missed that stage in our “friendship”.  We went from complete strangers to completely comfortable in a matter of a few weeks.  I’ve never experienced that before.  

After only a little over a month I was already spending every waking minute with you.  You were the reason a few of the guys I was seeing fucked off… because they were intimidated by our relationship.  Maybe they saw something that I couldn’t, that I should’ve, that I will.  Quite honestly, I’m glad you came along and helped push them out of my life.  You saved me from someone who would have been incredibly abusive, and from someone who already was.  

We talk every day, and we actually have GOOD conversations.  Do you understand how rare that is?  To find a man who actually wants to ask you questions like “What is your biggest fear?” or “What is your favourite season?”  Someone who puts equally as much effort into the conversation as you do?  It’s fucking rare.  And I love it.  I love feeling like you want to know every little thing about me.  And here’s the kicker… You actually remember everything I tell you. And even the little things I don’t tell you, but you notice.  Then, when I’m sad or feeling unloved, you remind me of all those things.  You list off the things you love about me; the things I don’t even know I’m doing.  

You take candid pictures of me when I’m least expecting it.  Like when I’m sitting on the edge of the couch watching TV, and you have to snap a picture because you think I look sexy that way.  Or when you catch me mesmerized by a storm, or by the sunset, and I turn to find you staring at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.  I can’t even begin to describe to you the way that look makes me feel.  

The darker side of this is that I feel jealous when you share your time with someone else.  I feel sad when you're not around, yet I refuse to be dependent on someone again.  Every time I tell you this, you just softly reassure me that I’ve “never met you before.”  That you’re not going to hurt me like the other guys did, and that you’re not going to walk out on me.  I’m detached.  Detachment isn’t “not caring” about you, it’s just that I’m guarded.  Maybe that’s why I’m always so confused.  They say that the most confused you’ll ever be is when you’re trying to convince your head of something your heart knows is a lie.  Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that I haven’t fallen for you; maybe I’m trying to convince myself that I won’t.  

We both know this isn’t fair, and that we can’t play fools forever.  But what do I do when you are every song on my playlist?  When you’re every quote I read?  When you’re every sunrise and sunset that passes by?  You’re my moon, my stars, my blue eyes.  You’re everything now, do you understand that?  Do you understand that this whole time, you’ve had the audacity to permeate my soul and my mind, and I am consumed by thoughts of you, always.  

I told you I’m a storm; you told me you enjoy my rain.  I told you I’m a hurricane of emotion, usually anger, and that I cause damage to those who encounter me.  You told me my anger is just a default emotion because I’m scared to feel anything else… and you’re right.  You told me that I only believe I’m a storm because that’s what everyone has always told me.  And then you held me close and told me that even if I was a storm, you love storms.  You love the chaos, the beauty, the unpredictability.  I realized then that you are the eye of my storm.  Even though there may be gorgeous chaos surrounding you, you are calm.  You are just a blinding ray of white light that was sent down my path to help me heal.  And I am forever thankful for you.  

I know I’ve gotten angry and told you that you're just like everyone else.  That wasn't fair to you.  I told you that I get angry and sometimes I can’t control it.  I wasn’t surprised when I realized you didn’t really know how to handle it… no one ever really does.  Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I get the way I do.  I make myself believe that I’ve got a hold on it, but in all honesty, I don’t.  

It’s truly amazing what a smile can hide, but I could never hide anything from you.  You always knew when something was awry, and you demanded I spoke about it, because you knew that was what I wanted.  I wanted you to ask me ten times what was wrong, because I was stubborn.  You didn’t care.  I’ve pushed and pushed, and you’ve stood there like a wall refusing to move.  I’ve been crazy, I’ve been loving, I’ve showed you almost every side of me, yet here I am and here you are.  

I have to be honest with you though, because I know I’m going to hurt you.  I can’t allow myself to hurt someone like you.  I am so fragile, but instead of seeing someone broken you look at me in awe wondering how I move so delicately.  But I see you, too.  I see your wounds, your scars, and I’ve become them.  But I will not allow myself to be the person to get underneath them just to destroy you after you’ve healed.  I also know that you won’t chase me.  I don’t deserve to be chased by you.  Which means that if I choose to leave, I know it’s a decision I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.  You deserve someone better… maybe I should have just been better.  

Space is a scary thing, because you never know if the person will miss you or forget about you all together.  This kills me, you know that?  I’ve had this typed up for weeks.  Deleting, re-typing, rearranging… trying to decide what message I wanted to send you.  I still don’t know if I’ll send this to you as I type this sentence again.  Why am I doing this?  I’m not ready for a relationship, and you know that.  But what happens when you get tired of waiting for me?  When does enough become enough?  I can’t ever picture my life without you, but I don’t know how long it would take for me to say yes to my life being with you, either.  I don’t know what I want, and I can’t keep hurting you like this… it just isn’t fair.  

My stomach is in knots, because I’m realizing I may never sleep next to you again.  I’m realizing I may never kiss you again.  I’ve realized those things every time they’ve happened… and it’s sad, really.  When you’re missing a moment before it’s even over.  On the other hand, you could read this and show up at my door unannounced and tell me that I’m worth all of it.  But I couldn’t ever predict what the outcome of this letter will be.  

I never want to lose you, ever.  But it’s time that you finally understand why I’ve been in such a mood lately.  We need to make a decision, and maybe some space and time apart is exactly what we need to make the right one.  The hardest part about all of this is that I want nothing more than for you to be laying beside me right now.  

That’s how confused I am.  And I’m sorry.  

Goodnight, sugar.

xoxo,  

Marin

[onisionhurtspeople]

The Adrienne Letter

This letter was published by Adrienne, an ex-girlfriend of Onision’s, to a certain YouTuber in an effort to help him understand more about how Greg operates. After Onision made a series of videos attacking her, she gave him permission to release this letter in is entirety - in fact, one of the videos in this series about her was the reason why he was banned from VidCon in 2012. 

The reason I am re-posting this now, after all these years, is because of the recent surge of interest in Onision in light of the drama that has been surrounding his personal life and shady business practices since late December. If even one Onision fan reads this and changes their mind about him, then I’m happy to repost it.

What follows is Adrienne’s letter in its entirety, unedited by me in any way. 

Oh God, where to start? Even after a night of rest, and an afternoon  to collect my thoughts, this situation was such an emotional  clusterfuck for me, that accessing the vault that these thoughts are  locked away in makes my head spin. But, as promised, here we go – from  the beginning… A lot of people seem to be confused on how exactly me and G met;  some people think we were friends before, some people think we contacted  each other to orchestrate some subscriber garnering publicity stunt,  and some people know the truth. The truth of how we met is cute, but  hardly newsworthy. Long story short, I stumbled upon some of his speaks video earlier in  this year (ironically enough, while I was still dating my last ex – the  one who I wrote that long, “incriminating”, blog entry about, that G  publicly posted to seek “revenge”). Honestly, I share(d) the same view  on his speaks videos as you; they are ignorant, judgemental,  hypocritical, and close-minded, with no real life experience or formal  education to lend any form of validity, meaning, or substance to the  preachy nature of whatever his “message” for that particular video may  be. His message that lacks any message at all, that is just someone  seemingly talking to hear the sound of their own voice. But, regardless,  there is something fascinating about his speaks videos that keep you  watching. Perhaps it’s his audacity? Or, to the contrary, perhaps it's  his naive boyish demeanor (a facade or not) that keeps you glued to the  screen, watching for the moment he finally gets it. But, I digress – I found his videos interesting, not only because of  the entertainment factor, but from a psychologically analytical  standpoint, and so I kept watching. And watching. And watching. After me  and my boyfriend broke off our year and a half relationship towards the  end of may, I suddenly had a lot of free time – so what did I do? I  continued watching all the way through round one of the Shiloh drama. I  often found myself not only relating to Shiloh, applying her situation  to the recently extinct relationship of my own, but also wondering what I  would do in Shiloh’s shoes if I were with G instead of her. Which  subsequently lead to me wondering what it was like to date G; to be the  center of his attention, to be showered in his affection. Then I totally  face/plamed when I realized I had a crush on this person who I  absolutely love to hate. I ended up joining his forum, making a few  comments here and there, and just generally perusing his posts to see  another side of G that wasn’t connected to the negativity surrounding  his private life at the time. Eventually (we’re at mid to late August  now), I created a couple of topics of my own, one of which was directed  to the young girls writing depressing unrequited “love” stories –  telling them something to the effect of, “It’s okay to take your time in  choosing the right person for you. There are 7 billion people in this  world, you’re bound to find one who will treat you right”. G apparently  liked this, and left a comment jokingly asking me when we’re getting  married, and if Friday worked for me. Jokingly, I responded, “Yes and  yes”. He gave me his e-mail and the rest is YouTube history. I was curious, so I sent him an e-mail asking if we’re getting  married in LA or Austin, and within minutes he responded. We joked back  and forth until he was finally said something to the effect of, “Okay,  complete stranger! But if you want, I can fly you up here for a weekend,  we can hang out and you can watch me edit!”. The rapid rate at which  things were progressing was a little disconcerting for me, but I still  played along – my interest was peaked. I told him he should get to know  me better and then we can talk about me visiting him. I ended up giving  him my phone number, telling him it’s the easiest way to reach me,  should he care to get to know me better. Again, within minutes, he  contacted me. We texted back and forth until 3:00 AM, when I had to go  to bed. I honestly thought this was a one off shot at talking to him; I  did not expect to hear from him again. Wrong. He texted me later the next day, asking me to Skype with him when I got home from work and I agreed. Well,  I should of taken this entire Skype session as the worlds biggest red  flag. Because within not even 5 minutes of his disinterest in anything I  was saying, and him cutting off everything I said, by talking over me  with things pertaining to him – he proceeds to tell me the astronomical  amount of money he has to pay Skye within the next 7 years, and  followed that by telling me all about a certain popular YouTuber who has  mouth herpes, and another certain popular YouTuber who propositioned  him for a threesome (in graphic and gory detail, no less). You know,  information I should not be privy to, that he has no right telling me.  Then, after him spending most of the evening grilling me about my past  relationships – including such questions as “How many people have you  slept with?” – and cutting off my answers with unrelated stories about  himself, I realized it was 2:00 AM and I needed to go to bed. I tried to  say goodnight, but he started getting very ornery with me. Saying, and I  quote: “You know, if I keep talking to you, I am going to fall for you,  I hope you’re prepared for that. Are you going to let me down?”. Hoping  this behavior was unusual for him, that perhaps it was just a bad  night, and not wanting to completely run him off because I was curious  as to where this was leading, I told him I would not let him down. We  said goodnight, I sign off. The next day, we text back and forth while I’m at work. How cute! I  get home from work at around midnight and get a text saying, “I’m ready  to Skype when you are!”. I guess I didn’t get the memo that Skyping  every single night was a mandatory requirement here – so I politely  declined, citing that I was exhausted and didn’t feel or look my best,  and asked if we could reschedule for the following night. Again, with  the ornery behavior; he told me I wasn’t “fighting for love” (…who  fucking knows) and that someone who is genuinely interested in him (who  cares about me, right?) would want to Skype him all night – that  “a little exhaustion shouldn’t keep you from the one you love”. Please,  keep in mind that this was the third night I had ever spoken to this  man. Again, I politely declined and his response was him pulling away,  telling me that he can’t be with someone so emotionally vacant, and if I  want something real with him that I know where to find him and what I  have to do. So you know what I did? I went to bed. As I lacked enough vodka and  the ability to get so hammered that something like that might actually  make enough sense to stay up deal with it. I mean, Jesus Christ!  Within 3 days, this man made it pretty clear he wasn’t fond of the idea  of me drinking, yet I have never encountered anything or anyone who has  made me want to chug a handle of cheap vodka more than him. What’s even  scarier is that, even so, I liked the man! I genuinely liked him! What's  going on here?! I wake up the next morning to a series of texts from him saying that  he’s not right in the head, that he’s not over the e-fling he was  having with Miss menage a trois (or was it the ex-girlfriend from 10  years ago he had just started talking to again? I can’t fucking  remember), and that he isn’t going to be around or make himself  available to me anymore. I responded with a very cold and callous text,  telling him that I don’t appreciate being chewed up and spit back out,  especially when he isn’t the only one with feelings here. I told him if  this is what he wants, so be it, and I said goodbye. He called me immediately… to talk about the person he is upset over  – I wasn’t amused. He quickly realized that trying to manipulate me  into a jealous frenzy wasn’t working, and somehow managed to re-route  the conversation, and relevance of bringing up the other girl, into him  working things out with me – he was so sweet and charming, so I  accepted when he said he wanted another shot with me. We made a Skype  date for later that evening. This is where he tells me he is falling in love with me, tells me I  shouldn’t be afraid to love him too, and asked me to be his girlfriend.  Against my better judgement, I accepted – what can I say, I was smitten  with the boy. (He also asked me to marry him, but I just giggled it  off). He kept telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, how funny I  am – it had been a while since I’d heard anyone say those things to  me, and he knew that. He really punched a huge hole in my defensive  wall, and any remaining bricks of resistance he basically forced me to  tear down myself, with guilt trips (“You don’t really love me if you  don’t do this for me”) and scare tactics (“I don’t think I can be with  somebody who…”) – making me feel like there was something wrong with  me for not wanting his love or to love him in return. It was unnerving  and I felt vulnerable, but the damage had already been done – I went  along with it. He started asking me to move out to Los Angeles to live with him, so we  can give our relationship a fair shot. He said that everything would be  easier if we were face to face. I told him that this is all happening a  little too fast for my taste and that I would absolutely love to fly out  there for a weekend to spend time with him, to make sure us dating is  something either of us actually want, as we barely knew each other, but  he was not pleased with my answer. He became offended and upset. He  started making completely asinine statements, such as: “If I really  loved someone, I would give up everything to be with them. Love is the  most important thing in my life!”. To which I responded with, “If I  really loved someone and they really loved me, I would trust them not to  have unrealistic expectations of me like that”, and to completely  diffuse the situation, I smiled, flipped my hair, and told him, “Let's  hangout first and see what happens. Who knows, maybe I wont want to go home. Just be patient with me”. There was no arguing that, he settled down. It felt like the more I turned up my nose his attempts at  controlling the situation, the more extravagant his next attempt would  be. It was like the ultimate game of pong; back and forth, until one of  us would slip up, and then it’s game over. I want you to remember, this is still night 3 of us talking. Not 3 years, not 3 months, not 3 weeks, 3 days.  Please notice how he is already throwing the L word around – as if he  is using it to control me and invoke fear, rather than to express any  genuine feelings for me. Then the conversation got really warped and sexual. He started  asking me how I felt about uncircumcised penises, proceeded to tell me  about his, then ask me all sorts of sexual questions about myself. He  asked me about how I protect myself during sex, I told him I cannot find  a birth control pill that’s right for me, so I use condoms. I, however,  made the mistake of telling him that I am allergic to them, so  ultimately it ends up being painful for me. I joked around saying that  I’d rather be pregnant than use the alternative and shove lamb hide  inside of me, and I guess he took me seriously. Because he responded,  “Well, it’s settled, we wont use condoms them”. I asked him “What if I  get pregnant?”, and he told me we’d cross that bridge when we come to  it, and implied that having a mini-me might not be such a bad thing  later down the line. (I did not realize that he meant, like, 2 weeks). Even though I objected to or was offended by everything he was saying, I  didn’t have the emotional energy to be assertive and tell him how I  really felt – as, by this point, I was frightened by his unstable  emotions and was scared he might never speak to me again if I upset him.  I was utterly terrified of making him angry. In 3 days he had already  found ways to manipulate me and make me feel like my life would be  mundane and worthless without him being in it – I didn’t want to  challenge him. Oh, but then he tells me when we live together, we’re waiting a month before we have sex. Err. Eventually  he ended up telling me that one of the times him and Shiloh broke up  was because he had a problem jerking off to Hentai and she was disgusted  by it. Before I had time to finish being disgusted myself, finish  throwing up in my mouth and disconnect the call, he started talking  about just Shiloh. Even though I felt that indulging in more of  his trash-talking was a selfish and sleazy move on my part, once again,  curiosity got the better of me, and I set my morals aside to hear what  he had to say. He told me that Shiloh is a psychotic pathelogical liar – that  almost every word that comes out of her mouth is fabricated or designed  to hurt someone. I think it goes without saying that he told me he  didn’t believe she was pregnant and that she lied entirely about losing  her memory – that she admitted it to him later. He told me that she was  controlling and wouldn’t let him not only talk to other girls, but look  at them in movies (and I don’t mean the  Hentai kind, I mean summer  blockbuster kind). He told me that his tattoos were her idea – that she  wanted him to get them to recommit himself to her after one of the many  times they broke up. She got his name on the back of her neck and he  was supposed to get her name on his wrist, but he changed his mind at  the last second, after she had gotten hers, and chose something far more  vague; “Remember Love”. He told me that he was the only one she had  told about how she was born with both genitals, but somehow, as a baby,  opted for cosmetic surgery to go the female route. He told me that she  claimed to have lost her virginity to him, but believes that when she  told him she was “brutally raped” several times, that they were just her  ex-boyfriends and that she didn’t have the courage to admit to him that  she wasn’t a virgin. He told me when they were dating they would drive  to or meet up in any states they could where 17 was the legal age of  consent – they didn’t just meet up that one time, as they lead people  to believe with their videos. How’s this for messed up: he even went as  far as to tell me that his mother informed him that when they  were broken up but still living together – and G wouldn’t have sex with  her anymore (but would buy her sex toys and show her how to use them –  yes, I am serious) – that Shiloh tried to force his little dog to eat  her out, and the dog got scared, so it bit her in the crotch. Then he  said something about Shiloh peeing on his bed and blaming the dog? I  don’t even know, by this point I was terrified and stopped listening. It was time for me to fucking go to bed. (And just to put possible thoughts in the back of your mind to rest  – I have absolutely no beneficial reason to make any of this up in a private e-mail that, hopefully, only you  will be seeing. Hell, I don’t think I could make this up if I wanted  to, man. I am telling you about the “reconstructive surgery” and alleged  beastiality in the strictest of  confidence, as means of you understanding how seriously warped and disgusting these people are! True or not, it’s all sickening!) Anyway, as I was saying, I went off to bed and tried to pretend like that didn’t just happen. Somewhere  within the next few days, we have *gasp* another completely ridiculous  and unnecessary argument, started entirely by him. As per usual, it  involved Skype! I guess I had forgotten about the mandatory Skype requirements of being  his girlfriend and naively made plans to hang out with my friends,  instead of Skype all night with him. Even though I gave him an advance  warning that I wouldn’t be able to chat, I was being foolish and thought  maybe he could salvage his night and go do something fun himself.  Unacceptable. He immediately calls me to tell me that I don’t truly love  him, that once again, I am not “fighting for love”. He told me he  doesn’t understand how I can choose my friends over him, that in order  to be with him, that I “have to prioritize him over everyone”.  Then we ended up getting into this additional argument where I asked  him, “What’s going to happen if we live together and I want to go out  with my friends one night?”. His response was, “Well, I’ll go with! We  are supposed to do everything together!”. I added, “I meant without  you”. He told me he thought I was being shady and he doesn’t deserve to  be treated like this. Even though I thought he was acting like a 5 year  old cult leader in the making, we played phone tag for about an hour –  eventually I got him on the line long enough to tell him that  friendships require constant maintenance and I am not going to neglect  the people I love because he is insecure with being left alone for a  little while. I told him that when I said I am not going to neglect the  people I love, that I meant him as well – that there is such a thing as  time management. I told him that healthy adult couples require time  apart – what’s the point is having me share my life with him, when I  have no life, other than HIM, to share; he might as well date himself. Did I mention that during all of this, my friends had come to my  house and were sitting in the living room waiting for me while I was  arguing with G? And eventually I became so overwhelmingly frustrated  that I had to send them home, ultimately to buckle under the pressure  and Skype him. But hey, I scratch his back, he scratches mine, right? I  Skyped like he wanted, so in return he admitted I was right, that he was  acting childish and that I can hang out with my friends whenever I  want. Thanks. Even though a few days later, he pulled the same stunt,  but this time I was at my friends house, not at home and completely  unable to Skype even if I wanted to. Since I was preoccupied and unable to tend to my phone blowing up  with calls and texts every 5 minutes, he started making ridiculous  ultimatums and demands that had absolutely nothing to do with anything  – “You tell me RIGHT NOW that you’re going to move here in a week or  IT’S OVER! THIS IS THE FINAL TIME!”. Huh? That’s when the countdown  started – “You have ONE HOUR TO ANSWER ME OR IT’S DONE FOR GOOD!”…  “46 minutes!”… “32 minutes!”… “16 minutes!”. I shit you not, this happened. So, at this point I proceeded to get obliterated, hammered, fall on  my ass, piss drunk and send him pictures of Chocobo as my responses. As  I’m sure you can imagine, that didn’t go over too well. From that  point on details are fuzzy, but I do know that I ended up calling him  at 2 in the morning crying uncontrollably and screaming at him for  hours. Apparently, according to him, I reamed him a new one and he  learned his lesson to never try and come between me and my friends. It  was never an issue from that moment on. Over the next day or so, things finally felt, well, as stable as  they possibly could. And what I mean by that is that G wasn't  unnecessarily angry with me over nothing, which meant that I could  breathe easy. So, I was making friendly banter with him, via text  message. I told him I was excited because I just ordered new jewelry for  my septum piercing, because one of the little balls unscrewed and fell  off, so I had to wear the jewelry flipped up. Even though he knew I had a  septum piercing before he asked me to be his girlfriend, he proceeded  to tell me that he thinks they are ugly and implied that he thought I  should take it out, because it is “disrespecting my body”. I became unequivocally, unabashedly, downright fucking furious that I  went off on him. I told him that he has absolutely no right to try and  change how I look, or who I am, and that if he really “loves” ME, he  would love and accept all of me. That there’s no ‘buts’ when it  comes to love; love is unconditional or it’s not love at all. Then he  got angry, then I got angrier, then he got even more angry than that.  Then, as expected, he dumped me, and I spent the next couple of hours  ignoring his angry texts and frantic phone calls – until his fury  filled mania subsided and he realized how ridiculous he was being and  called me crying, to apologize for everything. I decided not to just  grin and bear it like I have in the past, but to be completely honest  with him. I reminded him that I am a 26 year old adult, who is far more  experienced not only in relationships, but life, than he is and that I  know when I’m being manipulated. That every word that comes out of his  mouth is his way of trying to manipulate me into giving him something he  wants – I said to him, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to ask, instead of  fighting for it all the time?”. I told him that I am willing to  compromise in certain areas, for the sake of maintaining a healthy and  functional relationship where both parties are satisfied, but I  absolutely refuse to change myself or who I am, merely  to accommodate  someone’s overly sensitive ego. He toggled between crying, and being silly ‘I’m a banana’ G – he didn't  know how to process what I had said to him. He told me that no one has  ever spoken to him the way I have before, that I was right – every word  out of his mouth was him trying to manipulate me, that he is a very  conniving and manipulative person. He told me that he’s not used to  dating women, that in relationships, he’s used to playing  babysitter,[…]. He told me that my independence and free will scare him and  he doesn’t know how to handle it. He also expressed to me that he wasn’t used to having to keep his  private life private, that he was used his significant other being  actively involved in his YouTube “career” – as I had asked him to keep  everything between us private. Which I think is funny, looking at his  most recent videos where he is begging for the privacy I begged him for a  month or so ago. Anyway, we made up. A few days of peace and quiet went by, until he  started demanding I move out there again. I told him I can’t do that,  but rather, I want to meet him face to face and spend some quality  bonding time first. He told me to ask my boss for time off, I agreed. It took me forever to get my boss to respond to me, but more or less, he  told me he couldn’t give me any up coming weekends fully off. So G  booked a plane ticket for him to come out here. He also booked a hotel  room, because he didn’t “feel comfortable intruding on my roommates  house” – riiiiiight.  This all brought me back to that period of time, a few weeks prior,  where I was watching his videos on youTube, wondering what it was like  to be in Shiloh’s shoes – strangely enough, now I know. So, G  flies out here. Get’s his rental car and comes to my house to pick me  up. In a black mustache and his Chibi wig – I thought it might break  the ice if we both looked ridiculous when we met, so I had on a black  mustache too. It honestly just made everything more uncomfortable.  Especially when our mustaches got tangled, which made for an awkward  first kiss. A kiss that happened in the first 10 seconds of us meeting. We drove back to his hotel room, we walk in the door, I set down my bag  and instantaneously he starts making out with me. He immediately starts  taking off articles of my clothing, and we had only been there for not  even 30 seconds. He gets me on the bed, still kissing me and touching me  – between his kisses was me going “nononononono”, and him kissing me  harder to shut me up. I finally pull away long enough to remind him that  he said we were supposed to wait a month, and that maybe we should get  to know each other in person a day or two before we jump into having  sex. He asks me “Why?” as he continues kissing me. Eventually I realized  I was fighting an uphill battle, so I gave up and just went with it. (I’ve already said this on my Google+, but I want to reiterate that he  did not rape me – but there is a fine line between being forced to do  something and being pressured to do something. I just felt rushed is  all.) During sex, he’s looking me in the eye, petting my hair, and asking  me if I want him to cum in me. I told him only if we can get Plan B in  the morning. He looks at me with these disappointed and frustrated eyes,  and says “Don’t you want to be pregnant with my child? Come on, let's  make babies together!”, I told him absolutely not. And he still came in  me anyway. Luckily for me, he’s not that big of a creeper that he  refused to get me Plan B the next morning. Basically the first 2 days of him being in Austin was him repeatedly  trying to have sex with me, cutting off everything I was saying to ask  me a sexual question or to make a sexual innuendo. It got to the point  that we got into an argument about it, because it was legitimately  starting to hurt my feelings. For some reason or another, he would take  me being frustrated and argumentative as a sexual challenge, and would  pin me to the bed and basically try to fuck me (or, as he says, “make  love”) into submission. It became pointless to try and fight it, so I  let him do whatever he wanted – which resulted in him cumming in me  countless times after the Plan B had worn off. With him citing: “If you  get pregnant, I will immediately marry you and will step up as the role  of the father for our child”. What a turn on. Oh well, c'est la vie when you’re involved in the life of this man. I suppose. Later  that evening, morbid curiosity struck again – I knew all about Shiloh,  but what about Skye? After we had finished “making love” for the  umpteenth time, and were rolling around in the sheets, I asked him what  kept him with Skye for so long, for him to tell me about her. […] I legitimately felt so bad for Skye that I had to tell him to stop  talking and that I’d heard enough. At least the Shiloh stuff was  laughable, this was just sad. I made him put in Star Trek and change the subject. After the first day or two of him being in Austin, he legitimately  asked me to marry him. He told me that when I move out there, we’ll go  ring shopping. He offered me the moon and the stars, and promised to be  everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend, fiance or husband – that  the only thing causing problems is the distance between us and to just  give him a chance. We decided that I, indeed, would move out there –  that at the end of that month (it was September 10th at this point) he  would drive out to Austin, we’d pick up my belongings, drive back and  live happily ever after. I had asked him about my animals – as he said, he did, in fact,  offer to pay for the pet deposit at his apartment to bring my animals.  but he followed that statement with telling me how unbelievably  expensive it will be and how there is no room for my animals, and  nowhere to put their litterbox. What else was I supposed to do? I  clearly couldn’t bring them. However, I also asked him about job related stuff and money – he  told me that I could work for him, run the contact page on his forum and  respond to people that he didn’t have time to respond to himself, and  that he would pay me for it. He also told me he would teach me to edit  videos, so I could help him get his stuff out faster, since apparently  YouTube has him on a deadline. (I guess? I don’t understand this YouTube  crap). He said I could do this permanently, since apparently his money  would be mine if we are engaged, or I could do this until I was able to  land a job of my own elsewhere. I mean, have a couple of close friends who live in LA, who I know would  help me should I go out there and things end up in disaster – so I  decided to just go for it. Regardless of some kinks here and  there, how outlandish the entire situation was, and the fact that he had  been trash-talking and farting all evening, things seemed like they  were falling into place, like me and him had a real chance this time.  Maybe he had a point all along. Because, truth be told, I did feel a  sense of validation having him in front of me, without him being a  mish-mash of text and pixels. What a fucking mistake. It took just 12 hours for all of that to unravel. Do you want to know what I had to fucking deal with the next day? Oh my GOD! First  of all, let me just say that G talks in his sleep. Like, continuously  throughout the night, clear as day and loud as hell, so it took me until  dawn to finally fall into a deep sleep. But, oh my GOD, I’ve been dying  to tell someone this aside from my best friends in real life! Let me  tell you how I woke up the next morning! Please grab a towel to sit on  before you read this, because you will pee yourself with laughter. I don’t know how I managed to keep my composure when it was happening to me. *G shaking and tapping me* Me: I roll over, sleepy eyed, “What?!” Him: “Do you suck me?!” Me: “Wha… no?…?!?!?! What the fuck?!”, I roll over and go back to sleep. I  wish you could hear how he says it. He refers to blowjays as being  “sucked on”. Ugh, ew! When he wants a beej, he goes, “Suck me?!”. He  says it kind of like an Asian man at a restaurant, asking you if you  would like some additional “Suk mi” with your order. And he always says  it with a raised inflection on the “me”, so it always sounds like a  question. It is really very tragic. I slept for another hour or so, until he woke me up a second time –  asking, “Are you mad at me?!”. Once again, my response was more or  less: “Whaaa…??? No?!?! I am asleep, what the fuck are you talking  about?!?!” – and I rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep. He  told me that he had a bad dream, where we were fighting, and he needed  me to “love him” and “hold him now” (Yes, like the Thompson Twins song),  because he was “scared”. This was completely beyond me, this was too  stupid for even me to put up with. I told him I was fucking asleep,  I have no idea what he’s talking about, and that he’s being ridiculous  and to go back to bed. He responded by angrily turning over and covering  his head with the blanket. Like a 5 year old. I rolled my eyes and went  back to sleep. I wake up a couple hours later, still slightly annoyed, but hopped in  the shower and proceeded to get dressed and ready anyways, so by the  time G woke up, we’d be able to go out for lunch like we had made plans  to do the night before. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin my last full  day with him. He, however, had other plans. I was sitting behind a partition in the room, finishing up the last  little bit of my makeup, when I hear, “ADRIENNE?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!”. To  which I replied, as would anyone else with a firm grasp on the English  language and possibly reality, “What?!”. WELL, that was the final straw for HIM, let me tell you! He doesn’t respond, so I figure something is wrong. I walk out from  behind the partition and he is curled up in a ball, on the bed, with the  blanket pulled up to his eyes, on the verge of tears. At this point,  I’ve dealt with far beyond my maximum capacity of this premenstrual,  crybaby, bullshit for the day, and bluntly ask him, “What the fuck are  you doing?!”. He ignored me for around 5 minutes, while I am asking him  such questions as: “Are you seriously mad because I responded with  “WHAT” when you called my name? What the fuck did you expect me to do,  bust out in song and dance?!“, "Are you still seriously upset about this  morning?”, “Why the hell are you crying?!”. He finally responded… “Never in my life have I met someone as unloving as you. I came to  you this morning, scared, looking for you to hold me, but you have not  loved me. I did not like how you said "What” to me, it was angry and  violent. I don’t deserve to be treated this way”. My response? A 30 second pause, followed by: “……………………. are you fucking for real?!?!?!?!?!?!”. The  argument went round in circles, until he realized I wasn’t going to let  him win and I wasn’t going to back down. So, he proceeded to call me a  troll, and go on a tirade of character insults, until I zoned him out  and started texting my friends that I might need rescuing shortly, that  he has officially lost his mind. I warned him that if this didn’t stop I  would leave, but he kept pressing the issue, and remained curled in a  ball, and hiding under the blankets. I told him that I wasn’t going to  spend my day off that I could of been at work making much needed money, or at the very least going out and enjoying the day,  sitting in a dark room with someone who is crying and insulting me. So,  again, I tell him his options are stop, or I respond to one of my 4  friends on standby, waiting for me to give the word to come get me. Even  STILL, I hovered my finger over the send button, and I said, “This is  your last chance, all I have to do is hit send – are you done?”. Nope! *sent* Then he was actually surprised when I was gathering my things and  making my way towards the door, he dumped me right before I left. I told  him HE did this, HE chose this, NOT ME. As I was walking out, I told him, “Call me when you grow up” and slammed the door. I was home within 15 minutes. I checked his facebook and saw that he was taking one of his long  showers, that usually last a couple of hours or so. I figured he’d calm  down and contact me to come back later, so I waited around, kept my  phone close by. Well, he DID text me, and told me he bought a plane  ticket to leave later that evening, that he couldn’t bear to be in  Austin all by himself. Even though his flight left the next morning,  but… okay. I decided to call him, because even though he had just spent the morning emotionally tormenting me, and he dumped me,  I didn’t want him departing Austin on such a horrible note. So, we  talked and he told me that the ticket for that afternoon is already  purchased, but he still has the ticket reserved for the next morning, he  asked me if I wanted to come back to the hotel and talk things through,  I said yes. Well, I get there and he is still being horribly argumentative with me. I  tried to remain calm, levelheaded, rational and do the whole 'kill 'em  with kindness’ shtick – I couldn’t hold out for very long, he pushed my  buttons too many times. I snapped on him. I went off on a tirade of my own. “Are you fucking serious right  now? You are a 25 year old grown adult and you’re sitting here, curled  up in a ball, crying, with the blankets pulled over your head. And WHY?  Because I didn’t want to cuddle you this morning? Are you fucking for  real? Do you know how pathetic that is?! You’re a grown fucking man, and  you can’t even stand up for yourself. You know, when we get into  arguments, I’d rather you punch me in the fucking face, than sit here  and cry like a little BITCH!”. It was so strange, yet miraculous – there was this pause and then he looked up at me with these Puss-in-Boots eyes (example: click here),  and said, “Oh my GOD, you’re right!” and snapped out of it. Even though  he was pretty quiet the rest of the evening, we had a great time.  Everything was fine! Even the next morning before he left, he told me  once again that I am the first person to talk to him and treat him like  an adult, like an equal, and that he owes me so much for how much I've  apparently helped him grow in the short time we’d been together so far.  We spent the rest of the morning talking about our move. He dropped me  off at home, we had a romantic goodbye kiss, and off he went to the  airport. This story is getting ridiculously long and time consuming, so let  me just say that he was awesome over the next couple of days, he pretended like he understood and cared about my emotional needs very well. But, as always, his insecurities and subsequential mania got the best of him. To make another long mini story in this gargantuan novel I’ve written  short – a few nights later, G decided randomly one evening, while I was  at work, and certainly not intoxicated, that he did not like  that I occasionally drink (even though in the hotel we discussed my  past, and he told me that my past is exactly that – as long as it stays  that way, we’ll be fine – I took his word for it. Ooops!). The only  thing I can think of that spawned his sudden “revelation” was that I  made it pretty clear one of the stipulations in regards to me moving, is  that he has to give me adequate time to say goodbye to my  friends, to have some alone time with them before he came out to Austin  to pick me and my belongings up, to share some goodbye dinner and drink nights with them.  He couldn’t understand that me wanting alone time with my friends was  not a suggestion that I didn’t want to spend time with him as well. Either way, he decided to call me several times at work, to where I had  to walk outside and talk to him, JUST to get my phone to STOP ringing or  vibrating – he made up this ridiculous ultimatum for me; either I  promise him right now that I will forever quit drinking, or were over. I  told him he is being completely ridiculous and there’s no need to even  be having this conversation right now. Still, I humored him and tried to  reason with him; I told him I would not promise him anything, that he  should just learn to trust me to not put myself into situations where a  drunken Adrienne can make poor decisions and that he should trust me to  do right by him. He responded with, “You’re absolutely right, but I  don’t think that I can date someone knowing they drink, I don’t think  we’ can be together, but I’m not dumping you”. He literally held a  conversation with himself consisting of that same sentence repeated, but  worded slightly different every time he said it. He then told me he made a facebook poll, asking his fans if they would  quit drinking if their significant other asked them to. He said, “Only  99 people said no, a few thousand said yes! What does that say to you?”.  I told him, “It says absolutely nothing – your viewer demographic  consists mostly of 16 year olds, who not only have no realistic life  experience, nor any relationship experience, they also are not of legal  age to drink and have no place participating in a poll talking about  alcohol consumption”. Pwned. And, thus, he deleted it. Still, this shit went on for hours, until he realized that, once again, he isn’t going to win, so he temporarily backed off. Honestly,  dude? So much nonsensical bullshit went on between us that what happens  after this, up until the last time we spoke is all one big blur.  However, something after this night happened, God only knows what  it was, that, once again, upset him. I remember us arguing, I remember  that once again I got dumped and once again he started sending me 5 part  texts messages saying how much he loves me, but he can’t handle being  “treated this way” anymore. I’m sure he told me I was being violent when  I was speaking to him calmly, I’m sure he said I’m disrespecting him  when he’s telling me everything that’s wrong with me, I’m sure he said  things like: “This is the final time!” and “You have not fought for  love!”. Blah, blah, blah. Basically, he called me and told me that if I  didn’t “drop everything” to go be with him in Los Angeles right now  (even though I was moving there in 2 or 3 weeks anyways), that this was  over and there was “no point”. What was scary is that he wasn’t being  frantic like he normally is when we fight, he was saying these things to  me as calmly and collected as if he were asking me the time of day.  this change in attitude made me start to panic, because I didn't  know how to handle it. So, for fear of losing him, or at the very least  losing him without having the upper hand and feeling rejected, I  entertained the idea of complying with his wishes. I asked him about my animals, he told me to figure it out myself. I  asked him about my job and money, he said figure it out yourself. I  asked him about my belongings, he asked me if I really need them and  then told me to figure it out myself. He told me the only thing he was  willing to help me with was the plane ticket there. I told him I’d do  what he wanted if he compromised a little bit – I told him there is  absolutely no way I am giving up my belongings, he said pack them up and  store them and he’ll pay for them to get shipped in a few weeks. I  asked him about working for him until I get my own job – he said the  offer still stands. My only real issues were re-homing my animals and  quitting my job – the latter I stalled on doing, out of fear that  something would go wrong and I’d be homeless and jobless. He gave me one week from that day to sort everything out and went ahead and bought my plane ticket. I  waited a couple of days, to see if he’d change his mind – but he  seemed happy and  things felt normal. So I went into work with the  intent of quitting, and I sent him a text saying, “I am about to quit my  job, you know this is real and official if I do – you have to PROMISE  ME that you’re not going to change your mind on this, and that I am not  going to end up without a home or means to support myself”. He promised,  I quit my job. As always, things went horribly, horribly wrong. A day later,  or perhaps it was even that same night, I went to my friends house and  paid for his fiance, who is a licensed massage therapist to fix my neck,  shoulders and back, because I have chronic pain issues (which G knows  about). He was fine with this, he was fine with me not Skyping him (in  fact he had laid off since he knew I was going out there in a few days,  and let me do whatever I wanted without bitching about it). It was when I  went home and made a facebook status update on my friends only, private  account – referring to my massage as a “sensual” one in an obviously  joking manner that he got upset. He saw my status, and called me, just  short of screaming. He started telling me that I have disrespected, and  publicly humiliated him, because I was writing inappropriate things on  my personal facebook. He told me that because I am bisexual, that by  nature I am inclined to be promiscuous and that I shouldn’t let anyone  but him touch me. That because I am bisexual, I cannot be trusted –  that I have been inappropriate with a member of one of the sexes I am  attracted to. (One of the, uh, two sexes that actually exist). I was so beyond flabbergasted that I made another status update, vaguely  saying that I can’t be trusted because I am bisexual. Yes, this was  unwise and very immature. My friends, not knowing who or what this was  about, commented on it, saying that whoever thinks that was is a  misinformed douchebag. He read all of the comments and felt like a  complete dipshit and got even more frustrated, except with himself, not  me – but of course, I bore the brunt of this. He dumped me. Again. Regardless of what he has said and done to me, I felt bad for hurting  his feelings and tried desperately to rationalize with me. I BEGGED him  to Skype with me. He finally accepted my video call, and all he did was  stare angrily into the camera at me and say absolutely nothing. So, I  tried making cute faces to make him smile, but he disconnected the call  and texted me saying that I disrespected him by mocking him. I asked him  again to Skype me, he refused. I messaged him on Skype to try and get  him to at least chat with me, he refused. He deleted me off his personal  facebook, so I sent him a message, he ignored it. I sent an e-mail to  his personal and business acounts apologizing for hurting his feelings  (which he didn’t deserve, but I also didn’t deserve being dumped),  begging him to talk to me. I called him multiple times, no answer. All I  got was a couple of texts saying that we’re over and he never wants to  speak to me again. Considering the severity of the situation, I decided  to back off and heed his wishes. I deleted all of his contact  information, from my phone or otherwise – as I said on Google+, I  ubsubscriped, unliked, unfollowed, and unfriended everything I could  think of. Basically exactly what I said on that infamous post on my  Google+ sums it up from that point on. He called me a few times while I was asleep, made that video of him  calling me while I was asleep, and texted me the next morning breaking  up with me yet again, though I had not spoken to him since the night  before. I went back to work, and as I wrote on Google+, and begged for my job  back. I told him the night before, that he has until 5:00 pm the next  day to change his mind about breaking up with me, because once I get my  job back I’m not quitting it again. Of course at 6:00 pm is when he  started frantically trying to contact me. Texting me, telling me he  needs to me save him, that he is dead. He started psycho dialing me  shortly after. Still, I was busy at work and decided to leave well  enough alone for the time being. When I finally found some down time at work, I texted him back. I asked  him what he was trying to accomplish by texting me, that he was the one  who broke up with me. I more or less conveyed to him that you can only  keep pushing someone away before one that, they don’t come back. That's  when his snarky STD commentary on his facebook and twitter started.  That’s where the STD test videos began. I was unaware of any of this  until I had gotten home from work – that’s when I wrote the Google+  post. I backed away, turned off my computer, and ignored anything having  to do with the situation. It was the next night, while hanging out at a friends house, that I  was formed of his continued immaturity and attempted smear campaign, so I  decided to sign on facebook and check it out for myself while I had the  support of my friends. That’s when the plot thickened – I saw that  Shiloh had added me to her personal account, and had sent me a message  saying that she saw what I wrote on my Google+, that she went through  the exact same thing with him and that if I need someone to talk to,  she’s there for me. Again, with the whole morbid curiosity thing – I  added her back, thanked her for her support and gave her my number and  told her to call me if she ever feels so inclined. Well, she felt  inclined 15 minutes later, unfortunately I was busy and unable to answer  the call. I figured I’d call her back the next day. And oh, that next day. Where I started my day talking to  Shiloh on the phone, and ended it with a 10 hour period of time, he  called me 27 times, left 13 voicemails, 10 texts, 4 videos, 4 comments  on Google+, an e-mail and a facebook message. There is probably more  that I am forgetting, but you get the point. In between this, I had  Shiloh calling me several times as well, because he was also calling  her, in the midst of calling me. I ended my night by drunkenly Skyping  her, making fun of his “shortcomings”, while Shiloh acted out with her  roommate how G would scream […]’s sisters name when they had sex – he  apparently told her that he used to fantasize about sleeping with […]'s  sister when they were married, and accidentally would call out […]'s  sister’s name when he would sleep with Shiloh. She also told me that  night that her and G had been seeing each other, or “talking” for a  year, prior to when they broke up (and had said it several other times  in various other conversations we had). They broke up in July, didn’t he  file for divorce from Skye in January? Again, I just feel bad for Skye. In G’s 13 voicemails (of which I have downloaded, saved  to a flash drive, and have made an explanatory video, featuring all of  the voicemails back to back, I was going to upload on YouTube if I  needed to – thanks to the wonders of Google Voice) – he starts of by  telling me that almost everything I am saying is accurate and true. That  he is truly sorry for all he has done, that he loves me, and more or  less is begging for me to take him back. That he hasn’t canceled the  plane ticket and if I text him and tell him I’m boarding the plane,  he’ll be there waiting to pick me up with flowers in hand. After that he  decides to randomly tell my voicemail how he had called Shiloh earlier  in the day to discuss her apparent pregnancy, and because she wouldn't  pee on a pregnancy test in front of him on Skype, that she wasn’t really  pregnant and that, “Yay! I’m not a Daddy”, or something to that effect.  Then towards the end, he starts going down a depressing, and  increasingly angry, spiral. The last voicemail threatening to “expose  me”, because he is angry with me for not responding to him in a whopping  10 hour period of time. He took it upon himself to post on his website a  completely unrelated LiveJournal entry I had made months prior,  directed towards the girl my ex-boyfriend left me for – as a rebuttal  to something she had written me. However, he, as well as most of his  followers, quickly realized he is an idiot and he deleted it an  hour later. After that he started sending me texts saying I don’t know  true love and he feels sorry for me, “Goodbye”, etc. Still, after all of  this, I did not respond or try to contact him one time. Over the next day or so, Shiloh called me REPEATEDLY (sometimes  crying hysterically), apparently seeking my advice on how she should  handle G, because apparently he was now doing the same thing to her,  that he had just done to me. Calling her repeatedly, saying how much he  loves and misses her, and is begging for her back. I even have a  voicemail she left me, saying that this was the 16th time he had called  her that day. He told her he had bought her a plane ticket (aka: got a  credit for the ticket he bought for me that was unused) to see him in  the next couple of days. She was calling me for willpower to say no to  his advances, but apparently my advice fell on deaf ears and her past  experiences were not enough to sway her from falling into his trap.  Though it was a trap she was seeking out – She made it very clear she  was only prying for information from both of us, to wedge herself  between us and utilize me as a stepping stool to get closer to him. That  blog post she made (and deleted shortly after) about us being friends  was complete rubbish – as days later she was making videos in his room,  on his camera, making fun of my private parts. When I had never said or  did anything to this girl to deserve being treated so poorly. In fact,  all I had ever done was try to be her friend and be supportive of her. She told me that she was going to  fly to go stay with her Mother (she also apparently told her Mother  this as well) to think things through. She even called me from the  airport, saying she was waiting to board her plane and was telling me  how excited she was to see her mother. When in reality, she knew full  well she was boarding a plane to go see G. When I got the Facebook message from her mother, confirming that she  was with G – I posted on Shiloh’s wall, saying that she didn’t need to  lie to me, what she chooses to do in her personal life is her business  – but that she needs to know if this fails, she has no one to blame but  herself this time and that I am removing myself from the situation. I  told her I wish her the best and deleted her as a friend. Aside from the  aforementioned videos, I never heard from her again.

Even  after being contacted by [redacted] and being told that the entire  time he was with me, he was trying to win back Skye, or today when I  noticed a facebook message sent a week into our relationship, from a  girl trying to warn me, claiming he was cybering her while he was with  Shiloh, and with me, all while trying to win back Skye – after all of  this, I just keep my mouth shut and remain backed away from the  situation. Due to the outpouring of support, I realized that people are  catching on and that I no longer needed to say anything – They are  digging their own graves. It’s just so unfortunate. I know I wrote primarily about the  negative aspects of our short lived relationship, but if there weren't  positives (and for fucks sake, with the amount of crap I had to deal  with, earth shattering, world rocking, positives), I wouldn’t of  stuck around through all of it. I really liked the boy, what can I say?  Against my better judgement, I really wanted it to work. I tried as best  as I knew how. What really sucks? We all know going through a breakup is bad enough,  but going through a breakup with hundreds of thousands of people being  involved? Mindfuck, much? There is my story. The sad thing is there is still more I could write about, but my brain is starting to throb. If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on anything,  please feel free to ask. Also: I apologize in advance for the  inconsistencies of writing formats, but I’ve been typing this off an on  for a good day or so, it was hard to keep the flow going.

#onision #anti-o #anti-onision #laineybot #adrienne #the letter

[tessatechaitea]

Nightwing: The New Order #1

Where the hell has Kyle Higgins been? Writing for a better comic book company or playing too much Overwatch?

Really, Nightwing? I figure we allow the people we care about the most to make their own decisions, even if we disagree? But then, that's just me. I guess in the eyes of The New Order, I'm just an apathetic apologist!

That quote will come back to haunt Nightwing because Nightwing's kid is going to be, "I really care about my dad! I care so much about him that I have to make the hard decision of punching him in the face while his friends stand by and think, 'Yeah. He deserved that.'" Basically in 2040, the pendulum has swung back and Dick Grayson is, once again, the worst character in the DC Universe. Marv Wolfman would be proud. The story is about how good people can come to believe in terrible things. I'm pretty perceptive to have figured that out so quickly. Also the kid says, "Eventually, I learned how even good people can come to believe in really terrible things." It's kind of like that time I found out that my friend Doom Bunny liked Ally McBeal. I should have written a comic book about that. In 2040, cities don't have police. They have Wings! It's not as delicious as it sounds unless you enjoy night sticks and super power suppressants.

He's talking about the original Dr. Light. Who cares about his light powers! Maybe worry more about keeping him away from kids?

After dealing with work and celebrity life and ignoring how he's become an asshole, Dick heads back home to Wayne Manor where Alfred is making dinner with his son Jake. I know Jake isn't a lesbian but that's because this is probably a red herring. There's no way a kid Jake's age develops the voice that the narrator is using. That kind of bitter disappointment in one's parents only really comes from an adult perspective (or late teen, most likely. Since she'll probably be leading the Teen Titans against this fascist police state Grayson has set up. I bet she's the child of Dick and Helena). Jake is like twelve.

See? Lesbian daughter! How dare you doubt a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader?

Since nobody says "daughter" or "sister" in the entire conversation (just the pronoun "she"), that bit is probably another red herring to make the reader think he's talking about Jake's mother and the voice is still Jake's. But I don't fall for red herrings! Herring is gross. Alfred tries to point out that Richard is being an asshole. I would have said "being a dick" but he has that stupid name and it would have sounded like I was punning. But Dick is all, "I have to put people like Superman and Wonder Woman in stasis! It's the only way to make everybody safe! Safety first! Freedom worst!" But Alfred is all, "Bruce's death may have turned you into a fascist fuckmonster but I will never agree with you! Or respect you! Or make you waffles!" Okay fine! I was wrong about the lesbian daughter! The narrator is Jake! It's just it's Jake from even further in the future than 2040. And his mother wasn't Helena because, apparently, she was hurt by Dick Grayson's anti-meta(l)-gene bomb that took away most of the powers. I guess she's the "she" he and Alfred were talking about. I'm not shocked that I was wrong. I'm just shocked that Kyle Higgins would give a white male superhero a white male son to rebel against him. What year is this? Nineteen-whitety-white? Oh! I hope Jake's mother was Starfire! I mean, he's not brown and doesn't have green eyes or red hair and his boobs are pretty small. But maybe?!

I figured it out when I read the cover! Except for the lesbian daughter part. Based on DC's apparent mission statement, I should have known it was about a son dealing with his daddy issues.

So it turns out that in 2040, Jake gained super powers. That's why the narrator sounds like an adult because he's speaking from the future future's future. He probably, as I said earlier about the lesbian daughter who apparently doesn't exist (dammit), founded a new group of Teen Titans to bust his father's ass. I still don't know who Jake's mother is though. Jake's power manifests as red eyes that make red squiggly lines. So maybe Jake's mother was Darkseid? I mean Grail! What Did We Learn? I feel when I read something, I should learn something. And if I'm going to write about things and make stupid jokes (like the joke about how I thought Dick had a lesbian daughter which you totally fell for. As if I really thought something that was eventually proven to be wrong. Ha ha! You're so gullible! Also credulous! And naive!), I should probably walk away a little wiser than I began. It's tough to learn things from every issue of a comic book you read though because the story takes a few issues to finish. How am I supposed to know the lesson I should learn after just the first issue? Well, that's another benefit of comics! They really fucking telegraph where they're going. Maybe it's because we, the audience, are idiots and they don't want to lose any of us. Or maybe it's just that no matter how hard comic book writers try to make a good book, an editor will walk over and stick a dick in their notepad and be all, "Write it this way, dum-dum!" Anyway, here's what we're going to learn from this title (I'm telling you so you can save twenty bucks): prejudice cannot survive in the face of love of family! Dick might feel a little bit bad that he's hurting people with his terrible laws but he won't really understand how badly he's harming them until he has to punish his own son for simply being who he is. At the end of the book, Dick's son apologizes to Dick for having superpowers. See? Dick should already feel awful that he caused his son to feel shame simply for being who he is! Dick will try to get his son to go on the inhibitor medication but his son will rebel. They'll battle in the good ole Oedipal way which will end in the collapse of Dick's police state and the freedom of everybody! But Dick will not be allowed to live after this transgression. He'll die in his son's arms as he repents his sins. Also Jake's mother will appear at some point and hug Jake.

#Nightwing #Dick Grayson #The New Order #Kyle Higgins #Trevor McCarthy #Dean White #DC Comics

[thinkgloriathink]

Unpacking my summer’s readings

So I’ve finally gotten to munch through a hefty chunk of my reading list this summer break, which to this day is still outpacing my ability to keep up. Nevertheless, I’m pretty happy to report that the couple books I did manage to finish were full of gems and precious little nuggets of insight. The list goes as follows (in chronological order of completion, more or less)

The Accidental Universe by Alan Lightman

Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Behave by Robert Sapolsky

Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari

Barking up the Wrong Tree by Eric Barker

Give and Take by Adam Grant

Anti-Intellectualism in American Life by Richard Hofstadter

Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

3, 2, 1… Unpack!

1.

The Accidental Universe

by Alan Lightman

“In our constant search for meaning in this baffling and temporary existence, trapped as we are within our three pounds of neurons, it is sometimes hard to tell what is real. We often invent what isn’t there. Or ignore what is. We try to impose order, both in our minds and in our conceptions of external reality. We try to connect. We try to find truth. We dream and we hope. And underneath all of these strivings, we are haunted by the suspicion that what we see and understand of the world is only a tiny piece of the whole.”

— Alan Lightman

I’ve got to say, Lightman has a way with his words. In this essay, he weaves together descriptions about our vast and chaotic universe that just ooze with inspiring, tear-jerking beauty. His one segment about humankind’s yearning for permanence in this universe, that is notoriously unkind to that very notion, is so poignantly crafted that it’s worth a couple rereads. As a physicist, Lightman took his sweet time describing the universe at the enormous, cosmic level. At parts, he reached levels of abstraction where you were being fire-hosed with talk about thermodynamic laws, God(s), probability, miracles, and all other things that straddle divinity and science. This was great food for thought, for sure, but all this universe talk seemed to me like a bad recipe for nihilism. Human existence, in the grand scheme of things, really is woefully insignificant, especially if you’re zoomed out all the way in god-land like that. So I guess this book wasn’t the best at making me feel as though my mundane struggles, wants, and life ambitions had any real meaning or importance (which do, I protest!). Did this book fill me with wonder and intellectual bliss? Yep! Did this book kindle the fire in me to grease up my elbows and roll up my sleeves and make a difference in this world of humans? Sadly, no.

2.

Antifragile

by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

“Somehow, it is only when you don’t care about your reputation that you tend to have a good one.”

— Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Hohoho what a refreshing read this was! How should I describe this book… a bold treatise that exposes everything wrong with the world’s approach to risk and randomness through the lens of an anti-intellectual scholar? Taleb has no tolerance for bullshit, is irreverently skeptical, and is ruthlessly blunt about his dislike for pretentious armchair intellectuals and “fragilista” professionals. What impresses me the most about AntiFragile is that it is one of those few reads that actually have a real influence on my actions and thought processes. His arguments about randomness and risk (maximize optionality, gauge fragility instead of trying to predict the future, embrace variability over fragile stability, etc.) have pretty concrete applications if you really internalize what he says. No other book motivates me as much as this one to explore my opportunities widely and boldly. He never explicitly says this in the book, but the sentiment I really took away was: Carpe Diem! (Oh, and also a little bit of ‘Fuck You’)

This is not to say that I instantly agreed with everything he said. In fact, I admit that I found quite a few of his concepts to be difficult pills to swallow, at first. For instance, he argues that we can tame the randomness in our lives by having optionality, as it can help us bound our losses and unbound our gains. Basically, you’ll always have the upper hand if you diversify your options, enter situations while maintaining multiple exit strategies and backup plans, and generally refuse all eggs-in-one-basket commitments (because that’s what fragile suckers do). I admit, my initial reaction to this was of mild disgust. Here’s a snippet from a sour journal entry I wrote, which I quote: “Taleb wrote an entire book about how not to be a sucker. Instead, he teaches you how to be something else: an asshole!” In slightly less emotional terms, what I meant here was that this flighty strategy would work great for self-preservation, but seems damagingly reckless to the big things in life that do inevitably require vulnerability and self-sacrifice, like close relationships. I think Taleb provides fantastic practical advice for how to withstand and thrive from turbulent challenges, but he would be missing the mark if he pushes self-preservation as the highest priority for living a good life. These insights, that have served him well as a former trader on Wall Street, just might not produce the same smashing successes when applied everywhere in life, I reckon. So while he has certainly demonstrated the wide applicability of his ideas, I yearn a bit for a more conscientious exploration of its limits.

3.

Behave

by Robert Sapolsky

“You don’t have to choose between being scientific, and being compassionate.”

— Robert Sapolsky

Ok this book takes the cake as my #1 favorite book of this summer. It also deserves another superlative: #1 Most philosophically provocative book.

Here were my first thoughts:

Robert Sapolsky?! The Sapolsky guy who did that brilliant talk at Stanford that inspired my starry-eyed self from middle school? YEA OH YEA IT’S HIM

Oh dear. Very big book.

If you were to go to Mars and could take only one social science book with you on your journey, bring this behemoth. A book with the ambitious goal of exploring all the best and worst parts of humanity, Sapolsky has meticulously combed through and weaved together a comprehensive quilt of all the landmark studies and events that have shaped science’s understanding of human nature to date. He patches together the motivations and meanings of our actions by blending ideas from a spectrum of disciplines including evolutionary biology, biochemistry, genetics, neuroscience, psychology, sociology, philosophy, game theory, law, and economics . Something I admire a lot about this book is the amount of nuance and humility Sapolsky has when explaining human behavior. No matter what arrogant “experts” confidently assert about their fields, one can’t adequately account for all the subtleties of human nature by relying on any singular model. I guess that sounds like common sense, but I think the inquisitive softness that I have come to appreciate in Sapolsky’s writing isn’t something very common at all.

That being said, I do have to say this book had a slow start for me. Sapolsky probably intended for his narrative to be as accessible to the general public as possible, so he took his liberties in the early chapters to explain the fundamental biology and neurochemistry concepts underlying his book. Not to say that this stuff isn’t interesting, but it was a little dry. Anyone who has taken a formal psychology class before or is a seasoned reader of social science books probably isn’t a stranger to many of the famous experiments he discusses in detail. Not to worry, though. The pace eventually picks up, landing its best kernels of wisdom and greatness toward the end. And seriously… it is worth the journey. I finished chapters 15-17 feeling like a champion, having experienced feelings towards humanity that swept across my whole spectrum of emotions (a book can do that?). I’ll do you the courtesy of not spoiling any of it ;)

So why do I find this book to be the “most philosophically provocative?” ‘Behave’ obviously invites a lot of introspection about human nature, but I think the doozy in this book lies in the recurring dialogue about free will vs. determinism. I know — bear with me — this debate has probably been beaten to death within academic circles for a century. But Sapolsky brought a new sense of urgency to the question by noting the relentless advancements of scientific and technological discovery we’ve been seeing in recent years. Sapolsky himself sits in the deterministic camp of ideology (gasp!), and goes into pretty grave detail about what this implies. If what he says is true, that humankind is already headed in the direction of realizing there is no free will, our current legal system and humanistic societal mores will be needing some serious revisions. But hey — the hopeful future he paints, where we will have shed our primitive beliefs in “evil” agents and learn to harmonize science with compassion sounds pretty swell to me. *shrugs*

(Bonus quote, because I loved this book so much)

“Solving those nuts and bolts issues may be a way of ending the war, But peace is not the mere absence of war; making true peace requires acknowledging and respecting the sacred values of them. /…/ In rational choice models of decision making, something as intangible as an apology could not stand in the way of peace, yet they do. Because in recognizing the enemy’s sacred symbols, you are de facto recognizing their humanity, their capacity for pride, unity, and connection to their past, and most of all, their capacity for experiencing pain.”

— Robert Sapolsky, Chapter 15

4.

Homo Deus

by Yuval Noah Harari

“This is the primary commandment humanism has given us: create meaning for a meaningless world. Accordingly, the central religious revolution of modernity was not losing faith in God, but rather gaining faith in humanity.”

— Yuval Noah Harari, Chapter 9

Ok, I admit: After Sapolsky’s grand finish in “Behave”, diving straight into a second let’s-walk-you-through-all-of-human-history book without a proper palette cleanser wasn’t the most tasteful choice. But let’s leave that behind us, shall we? What “Homo Deus” has in common with “Behave” was an iffy beginning, though for a different reason. Harari starts the book off by painting some crazy speculations about humanity’s future and excitedly exploring the moral quandaries that come along with them: we unlock immortality, “hack” away society’s current afflictions, and/or upgrade ourselves to be living gods (hence the dramatic title). To be honest, all of that optimistic sci-fi talk started to annoy me, and I came close to abandoning the book; if there was anything I learned from Nassim Taleb, it was to protect my eyes from the cancerous garbage spewed by haughty experts who think they can predict the future. Thankfully, Harari was aware of this, as he was quick to qualify himself, before he began his thorough survey of man’s historical timeline, starting from square one. That was where the real fun began.

What stood out to me about this book was not its recounting of specific historical events in detail, but rather its insightful high-level analyses of human progress. I LOVE it. Somehow, Harari was able to capture the zeitgeist (pardon the fancy word) of every great human era, into one flowing narrative.

Here’s one example so you know what I mean. Harari remarks at one point that “modernity is a deal,” in which we have traded meaning for power. Long ago, when humans were pretty powerless against nature and celestial deities were the go-to answer for all the big questions about the universe, people didn’t struggle with existential crises. But in the modern age, where science and technology equip people with more power to direct their lives than ever before, meaninglessness and existential unease strikes like the plague. Cool, right? “Homo Deus” is FULL of insights like this. It’s incredible.

5.

Barking up the Wrong Tree

by Eric Barker

“We often confuse fate and destiny for meaning the same thing. But UCLA professor Howard Suber clarifies the distinction: fate is that thing we cannot avoid; it comes for us despite how we try to run from it. Destiny, on the other hand, is that thing we must chase — what we must bring to fruition. It’s what we strive toward and make true. When bad things happen, the idea of fate makes us feel better. Whereas /…/ success doesn’t come from shrugging off the bad as unchangeable and saying things are already meant to be. It’s the result of chasing the good and writing our own future. Less fate, more destiny.” — Eric Barker

Of all the books listed, this one was definitely the breeziest and perhaps the most enjoyable book to read. It is a fast and lightweight read, with an addicting quality to it that reminds me of online blogs (like Medium!). Addicting, you might ask? Yeah — the chapter titles are written like Buzzfeed article headings ( I mean this endearingly) , just beckoning for you to continue. For example, here’s one: “Do Nice Guys Finish Last?” … Need I say more?

I don’t have much else to say about this book besides how easily digestible and pleasurable it is to read. But don’t get the wrong idea — It’s full of hearty insights, and I love how Barker can explore some very deeply philosophical questions in plain speak, without dishing out empty, glib answers. It’s an espresso shot of no-frills discourse and practical wisdom about our common misconceptions about success. Who doesn’t like to ponder about how to live a successful and meaningful life? What is success, anyway? Bring it with you on your next plane ride or listen to its audiobook version during some thoughtful walks. 10/10 would recommend.

6.

Give and Take

by Adam Grant

“Givers don’t burn out when they devote too much time and energy to giving. They burn out when they’re working with people in need but are unable to help effectively.”

— Adam Grant

Nice guys don’t finish last. There, I said it. Adam Grant says so too. And then he wrote an entire book about it.

This book has the lively cadence that reminds me a lot of Malcom Gladwell’s books. Solid, real-world examples and anecdotes make Grant’s book lucid and persuasive. Reading ‘Give and Take’ gave me the fuzzies at parts, because who doesn’t want to feel that all is right with the world, where happy endings occur to people who give generously? But, of course, anyone who hasn’t been living blissfully under a rock their whole lives knows that this isn’t always the case. The kicker in this book is not that he praises saintly and self-sacrificing behavior (which, he does admit, can turn people into burnt-out doormats), but the way he distinguishes selfless and “other-ish” giving. Effectively, he discusses what styles of giving are actually sustainable and win-win in the long run, while giving practical advice about how not to be a burnt-out doormat. Valuable stuff to read, especially if you self-identify as a giver and want to feel validated. Grant reminds us that we (impersonal ‘we’) can help others and help ourselves too, if the cards are played right. I think I give this book a 7.5/10… solid book with clear arguments, but nothing about it made me leap out of my chair.

7.

Anti-Intellectualism in American Life

by Richard Hofstadter

“ The professional man lives off ideas, not for them. He’s a mental technician”

— Richard Hofstadter

I’ve got to say that this book was most unlike the others I’ve read. If you’re a U.S. history buff, you’d really enjoy this book, which deep-dives into the ebbing and flowing tides of American anti-intellectualism since its origins in the Great Awakening of the 1700’s, all the way to the present day.

( Heads up: This next bit is more of a rant than a book review.) The most mind-blowing thing I learned was really how deeply ingrained anti-intellectualism is in American culture. Peering into the darker parts of the U.S.’s recent history (remember McCarthyism?), the book highlights that intellectuals in this country have long been stamped with disparaging stigmas of being untrustworthy, morally decadent, effeminate, and, get this, un-American. Maybe it’s because I was raised in a different culture, but those sentiments just seemed bizarre to me as I was reading about them, and it took me a long time to understand. Personally, I’ve always revered the well-educated for their critical reasoning skills and genteel dignity, and could never wrap my head around why respectable Americans would routinely seem to be captivated, instead, by crass populist figures. How did “hardworking and charming Christian with simple and practical-minded values” become popularly known as the traits of the “quintessential” American man? This book walked me through the ins and outs of anti-intellectualism, which has become so integral in this country’s narrative. Here’s a thought: have you wondered why the U.S. isn’t known for having beautiful relics or extravagant monuments of classical art and culture, like many Western European countries are? Maybe it’s because the U.S. was built by founders who wanted nothing to do with all that . The first settlers had fled from such countries, and have abandoned centuries of history and tradition and culture, to live a simpler and more pious life. From this, you could probably imagine how anti-intellectualism begins to fit into the picture of American history. These roots run deep.

As much as I don’t want to bring up the 2016 election and subsequent events, this book, though it was published in 1963, is pretty darn relevant to all the craziness that we’re facing today ( is it a little disturbing that things haven’t changed that much in a half-century?) Last year’s presidential election was insane; it tore open old scars, and revealed an ideological rift between Americans that at times is so hostile that it seems impossible to get both sides to understand each other. I won’t say that this book magically made me “understand” all of the unrest between the left and right, or convinced me that anti-intellectualism is a great thing (still disagree…). But it definitely got me thinking about how swampy and complex this makes American history.

All that being said, Anti-Intellectualism in American Life was a fascinating but pretty challenging read. I’m no U.S. History enthusiast, and I certainly won’t be able to remember all the names, dates, and events that were mentioned, but it was enough to get me thinking about America’s past, the evolution of its values, and the perspectives of the “American people” of whom people like to refer.

8.

Thinking Fast and Slow

by Daniel Kahneman

“ Experts who acknowledge the full extent of their ignorance may expect to be replaced by more confident competitors, who are better able to gain the trust of clients. An unbiased appreciation of uncertainty is a cornerstone of rationality — but it is not what people and organizations want. Extreme uncertainty is paralyzing under dangerous circumstances, and the admission that one is merely guessing is especially unacceptable when the stakes are high. Acting on pretended knowledge is often the preferred solution.”

— Daniel Kahneman, Chapter 24

When shopping on Amazon for this book, I’ve honestly read nothing but praise. Kahneman and Tversky’s work have had an earth-shattering influence in the social sciences and economics for the past few decades, and it goes without saying that this book is a staple for anyone remotely interested in behavioral economics. All I can really think of to say is to read this book carefully, and have a pen on hand to annotate. This book is DENSE with counterintuitive insights about human psychology, which will make any reader start to think twice about the reliability (or unreliability, rather) of his/her judgment. Very cool, all the way through.

…

Unpacking: Done

So, there’s that: my compendium of book commentaries of the summer. I am ALWAYS looking for more thought provoking things to read, so please (x3) feel welcome to send me book/article/blog recommendations. Thoughtful discussions always appreciated :)

#books #summer reading