#i went off on a tangent there ong im sorry

[heartpascal]

Hello! I absolutely adored if the door wasn't shut series- I think I've read it the entire thing four times since I first came across it (which was just yesterday). Your writing is so beautiful, and honestly the FEELS!! I can relate to the reader character so well, and they are so well written. Some of my fave parts are the angstier parts (especially after the Jesse incident and they were hiding in their shop). I know too well the feeling of not being good enough, and the fear of being left behind by everyone I love.

I'm just wondering (and this might be me projecting too), but does Joel know the extent of what he did to the reader? Like I totally get he did it to keep them safe, but he left them after they showed a bit of vulnerability (telling them they want to go home/being scared). I know he's apologized, and I know he knows it was wrong to take away their choice, but does he know that it's really messed up for him to have done that after the reader was so vulnerable with them? It sounds like they weren't super touchy-feely from the beginning, so the fact that they told them were scared. It was exactly like how they said to Tommy, about how they look in the mirror and see all the parts of themselves that was not good enough (or not enough to be loved and kept in people's lives). By abandoning the reader, Joel basically said the reader was too 'much' for them, and that their fear was a burden. My heart literally aches when I read the conversation with Tommy bc that feeling of rejection- especially after such a vulnerable moment would kill me.

Anyways sorry for the ramble! I just love this series so much, and I wanted to hear your perspective on it. And I love that the ending wasn't super wrapped in a neat bow- there was still animosity and how it doesn't feel like complete forgiveness but just a moving forward. I think it'd be interesting to see Joel's POV in all of this, especially at the end when he probs has to come to terms that he'll never 'get back to before' per se, and Tommy/Maria has most likely replaced him in being their safe space. Apologies if that was presumptive, and not what you had in mind with the ending, but I really don't see the reader going back to having that level of trust with him- not like they have with Tommy/Maria now.

okay i think this is like one of my favourite asks concerning this series ever. first of all, THANK YOU!!! omg. you’re so kind :’)

now let’s get into it >:)

i’m going to have to say no, joel doesn’t know the extent to how badly his actions effected reader! or at least he doesn’t quite understand the full extent of it. i mean we’ve gotta think like … this man was a fully grown adult when the world fell apart, you know? he became guarded, sure, but that wasn’t the way he grew up!!! whereas that would’ve been the way reader grew up, never knowing who to trust, never knowing where danger was gonna come from, never having a safe place to admit how r felt.

i’d say that when joel sorta saw that vulnerability it scared him because he was so used to reader being closed off, yk? which kinda only proves reader’s fears to be right, which is just so :( but we do know that joel consistently doesn’t think he’s good enough to protect ellie (and therefore reader too) so that definitely feeds into his reaction too. joel had his reasons for doing what he did, but at the time of them leaving reader behind he didn’t even think about how it could effect them!! he was concerned for their physical safety rather than any emotional or personal things.

i do love a bit of angst but even i’m a bit like :( when i remember what i put reader through in that series LMAOOO. they’re gonna have to go on a long journey to ever get even remotely close to joel like they had been before. but you’re absolutely right, it’s never gonna be like it was before, and that’s something that both joel AND r will have to come to terms with :(

and also NO PLEASE I LOVE HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS!!! never apologise this is my favourite thing. i love talking about this with you guys!!!

i think on some levels reader will never have that same level of trust or safety with anybody after joel. like i think it’ll have left a permanent mark, and they won’t be able to fully have faith or trust in someone again.

r’s relationship with tommy and maria is probably the closest it’ll ever get to what they had with joel, but it’ll never be quite the same. or maybe it will, but i imagine it’d take a very long time to get there. tommy and maria already know that all they can ever do is just be there for reader as much as they can, even when r thinks they won’t be. i’m sure they’ll have spoken to each other about how they’re gonna be all up in r’s life for as long as they possibly can, until their dying breath, honestly.

thinking about joel in this series is so sad, because when we think about what happens with ellie a bit later on as well it’s just so … sad. bc *tlou 2 spoilers kinda* when he and ellie fall out, that’s gonna effect his relationship with reader, too. it’s gonna feel like another betrayal, another reason that it feels impossible to trust him, even though r would be glad he did what he did. but yeah, joel would be lonely for sure, but he’s just glad that they’re both alive and safe, even if it’s not with him anymore.

i was originally going to do a part 6 to that series, but the ending of part 5 was just so … satisfying to me? like it’s realistic in my eyes!!! they’re never gonna be the same, that’s true, but there’s something. and joel would take whatever something r would give him.

#heartpascal says #captaincvans <3 #i went off on a tangent there ong im sorry #i don’t even know if i responded to what you were asking me to HELAODJWJD #but i just enjoy talking about them :’) #my bad my bad #been away from tumblr for a while and all sense of what i’m doing has fallen apart apparently #anyway #THANK YOU SM FOR THIS I LOVE LOVE LOVE HESRING WHAT YOU RHINK #pls always send me asks like this i adore reading them #and responding clearly HAHAHA