A Christmas Plan [1 /2] - H.O
pairing:Â Harrison Osterfield x f!reader
words:Â around 2k
warnings: none, just lots of yearning
AN: lmaoooo guess whoâs back just in time for the holidays!!! Sorry for being so MIA and my crazy update schedule, things have been crazy in my mind my life and the world. I asked for prompts a while back and @hollandharrison asked for a best friends to loves fic with the prompt âItâs so hard not to fall in love with you.â SINCE ITS XMAS I DECIDED TO MAKE IT A XMAS FIC! This is a best friends to lovers, fake dating, mutual pinning, wedding and oh no thereâs only one bed fic! Enjoy! And please leave some feedback Iâd love to know if you enjoyed it. Part 2 on Friday!!!!! I hope you like this Rosalie!! â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Masterlist
âââ-
Thereâs jazzy Christmas music playing in the busy restaurant, itâs Holly Jolly Christmas, you think as you try to listen over the chatter coming from the various tables surrounding you. The restaurantâs floor is cream colored, shiny, and marble glazed. There are fancy lamps hanging from the ceiling and many plants in expensive looking pots all over the main entrance and windows. One wouldnât think one the best burgers youâve tried in your life comes from a fancy restaurant in London like this, or that itâs the only thing you and your best friend order from the menu. Itâs only during special occasions that the two of you meet to enjoy them, as the bill is quite high and always a problem. Harrison always wants to pay, and so do you. Right now, though, as fancy dishes like salmon, ravioli and gorgeous little desserts are being served all around, youâre not sure if you can even eat anything at all.
Nervous is an understatement. You arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes early to rehearse what you wanted to say and get ready for the likely rejection that could follow, but from the moment you sat down, youâve done nothing but fidget with the napkin in front of you. The beautiful swan that had been placed on your plate when you arrived is nowhere in sight, it is only a wrinkled square in your hands.
âThe worst that can happen is that heâll say no.â You whisper to yourself, reaching for the glass of iced water next to your empty plate. âHarrison wonât judge or get mad because you asked.â Nodding to yourself you bring the glass to your lips and look around as you take a sip.
You nearly choke on your water when your eyes land on the main door and see Harrison walk into the restaurant. Youâre quick to put the glass down and dab your chin with the napkin in front of you to make yourself presentable again and not caught off guard. Being 15 minutes early didnât prepare you enough for this. He is like an apparition, dressed in brown checkered pants, a white t-shirt and a plaid brown jacket the host is soon to take from his shoulders. His dark blonde curls are styled backward, just enough to tame them but not too much that they look neatly combed. Itâs just⌠perfect. You canât look away from him, he is gorgeous, so much in fact that you have to make sure your jaw isnât hanging right before he spots you. His smile is bright as the sun when he raises his hand a little and waves at you.
You canât help but smile back as fireworks go off in your stomach from being at the receiving end of his. You fear that these fireworks will fly out of your mouth and ears before exploding around the whole restaurant if youâre not careful. Yeah, that wouldnât be ideal.
You stand up when he reaches the table and embrace him. Heâs warm and hugs you back tightly so you let your eyes close as you take enjoy his embrace. âHarrison! Itâs so great to see you.â
âTell me about it! Iâve missed you so much.â Harrison says once you step back and sit back down. Harrison takes his phone out of his pocket to sit down, then proceeds to turn it off and set it on the table. âItâs been what, two weeks? My schedule has been crazy, sorry I havenât had time to hang out. You look beautiful by the way.â
You are still looking at his phone, not containing your smile at the small but very meaningful gesture before you meet his gaze again. âOh! Thank you, so do you.â A chuckle leaves your lips as you glance down at your outfit. Itâs a mid-length burgundy silk dress on top of a black long sleeve blouse with ruffles on the sleeves, a belt and black booties. âThatâs alright, you donât need to apologize Haz. We always try to make time to meet every once in a while, and here we are.â Everyone is busy, especially during this time of the year, when any free time is consumed by shopping, gift wrapping or preparing for any Christmas tradition.
Harrison is about to say something else when the server arrives. Sheâs tall and gorgeous and barely spares you a glance before addressing Harrison, all smiles and charm. âHave you had enough time to check the menu? What can I get for you?â
You move your gaze away from them and focus on fidgeting with the ruffle of your shirt sleeve. Better to let Harrison flirt back and give her his number if he wants without you looking. Youâre forced to bite the inside of your cheek and think of something else other than the interaction in front of you, doubting if youâre still going to ask him or not. That all stops when you hear Harrison call your name, which makes you look up and meet his eyes.
He is smiling at you with a curious tilt to his head. âThe usual, right love?â
You feel your chest warm at the smile he gives you and the endearment that makes the server twist her lips sourly. She loses all interest in the guy in front of you when you nod at Harrison, answering his question.
His smile turns even brighter for a second and he closes the menu. âWeâll have two of the Chefâs burgers with fries for the side dish and ketchup for the beautiful lady here.â The server nods and writes the order down.
âDrinks?â She asks, her tone much different than it was a minute ago.
This time it is you that speaks up. âIced tea for me, please, and heâll have a glass of lemonade.â
âAs usual.â Harrison smiles and winks your way.
You roll your eyes playfully, dismissing the feelings your heart is bringing to the surface at the moment. Another server brings breadsticks with dipping sauces over to the table before youâre both left alone.
âHow have you been?â Harrison asks while placing his napkin on his lap and reaching for a breadstick.
You take another sip of water. âGreat actually. I got promoted at work.â
He puts his breadstick down, a smile appearing on his lips. âWhat! Thatâs amazing Y/N!! Congratulations!â
A laugh leaves your lips as you shrug your shoulders. âThank you Haz. Iâm the marketing manager now, which is pretty cool.â
âThatâs huge, love, and well deserved as well. Youâve done an amazing job there since you started as an intern.â Harrison continues to praise you and you feel your face and ears burning up at his words and enthusiasm.
You smile, youâve loved your job from day one and as years have gone by youâve been constantly improving, but the promotion is still a bit of a shock. With another shrug of your shoulders, you thank Harrison again, knowing that his congratulations are genuine.
âWhat have you been doing?â You ask this time, wanting to know how filming for his upcoming project had gone. âFilming went alright?â
âYeah, it went brilliant! Weâre all done now but I still have to record some additional audio next week for a couple of days.â His eyes light up and he smiles while he talks about the series, making your heart warm. You know how much heâs worked to get the role and being cast as the main character, the Prince of England in fact, in a Netflix series had been his dream come true.
âSo, the Prince of England has been busy.â You tease, resting your chin on your palm. Harrison only chuckles and looks away almost shyly. âIâm so happy for you and so proud, truly. This is going to be huge, Haz.â
âWeâll have to see, but yes I think it can be. Thank you.â He meets your gaze, a soft smile on his lips and an indecipherable look in his eyes. You smile at him for a couple more seconds before the food coming to your table makes you look away.
Your orders are served in front of you and the drinks placed by your side when you remember why you asked Harrison to meet you for lunch. The thought makes you nervous all over again as you pick up a fry and use it to poke the other ones on the plate.
âWhatâs on your mind?â Harrison asks, looking at you curiously. âSomething tells me this isnât just about your promotion and my new role. Youâve never been so hesitant to eat your fries before.â
You sigh and look at him again, he knows you too well, which is why you think this might work. Summoning all the courage you have you open your mouth to utter your proposal. âMy cousin, Travis, is getting married on Christmas Eve.â
âOh yeah I remember Travis, nice bloke. You need a plus on at the wedding?â Harrison takes a sip of his lemonade before leaning forward, giving you all his attention.
âItâs more complicated than that.â You squeeze your eyes shut. âThe wedding is going to be at the familyâs country house, but most of the family will go to the house on the 22nd until the wedding. They want to spend time together and catch up then instead of the night of Travisâ wedding.â
You finally pick up a fry and eat it, breathing in deeply to explain the most important detail. âI want to ask you to be my fake boyfriend that week.â
Harrison chuckles in disbelief, clearly thinking that youâre joking. âWhat?â
âPlease Harrison, youâre an actor and one of my best friends so you know me better than anyone. Which make the chances of us getting caught in the lie very slim.â You look into his beautiful blue eyes to try and convince him. âChristmas is the worst time for single people. You remember my cousin Gladys?â
âYeah. Superficial, conceited and canât stand the conversation not being about her.â Harrison rolls his eyes. âNot to mention sheâs always been rude to you.â
âShe got married.â You state somberly. âWhich means that because weâre the same age, every dating question from my family will be directed at me, and theyâll compare me incessantly. Not to mention her teasing and criticism will be even worse now that she has âaccomplishedâ something I havenât.â
With another sigh you look down at your food, instantly regretting asking Harrison in the first place. You dip another fry in ketchup and chew it silently as you look around the restaurant. Harrison is staring at his food, seemingly lost in thought and hesitant to say anything. âYou know what, never mind. Please forget that I asked, itâs a dumb request.â
Youâll deal with your nosy and presumptuous cousin on your own. Youâre used to her criticism anyways, so you can take three more days. Sheâll probably talk about her about her nose job all the time and her wedding ring, or if sheâs bored, sheâll comment on your appearance. You hate it but youâre used to it.
âIâll do it.â Harrisonâs voice breaks you out of your own thoughts.
âWhat?â It is your turn to have a tone of disbelief. âYouâll really do it?â
âY/N, you know you can always count on me. If this will help you have an enjoyable Christmas, then of course Iâll help you.â Harrison reaches his hand out to grab yours, its freezing and his warms it up in seconds. âBesides, canât say no to a wedding.â
That brings a laugh out of you, your eyes glazy as they look into his. Gosh you love him, you love him so much. Will being in a fake relationship with him for three days hurt your heart once itâs over? Absolutely, but a selfish part of you wants to know how it would be, to date him whether itâs real or just pretend.
âOnly if youâre sure.â You speak up, not wanting to force him into anything. âItâs only until the wedding. Youâre free to spend Christmas day with your family, I wouldnât want you to miss it.â
âI wouldnât have said yes if I wasnât, love.â He squeezes your hand, a soft smile on his face. âSo, now that youâve told me what made you so nervous since the moment I walked in, how about we eat.â
You chuckle and nod. âThank you, Harrison. I donât know what I would do without you.â
Harrison smiles at you again, in that shy way he had previously done, before he steals some of your ketchup. âNow, tell me more about your promotion.â He says and takes a bite out of his burger.
The days seem to fly by between your lunch with Harrison and the 22nd. You were swamped with work all week as you got everything done and ready to leave for the holidays. It was a perk though, because it didnât let you overthink every single scenario you could encounter with your family while lying to their faces. Hopefully you wonât be caught in your lie, and you wonât end up more heartbroken than you expect after your fake relationship with Harrison ends.
Thereâs a knock on your apartment door that brings you out of your own head. You take one last look around your home, making sure everything is in order before you go and greet Harrison by the door. His smile is soft just as his curls look, especially with the cream-colored sweater than brings out his eyes.
âHello, love.â He gives you a hug. âReady to go?â
You nod your head yes when you step away. âAll ready, let me grab my bags.â
âIâll get them.â Harrison says, stopping you from picking up your suitcase and doing it himself. âNot because you canât but because I want to.â
You chuckle, thatâs what he always says, and it always makes your heart skip a beat. âI know. Thank you.â You lock the door and make your way to the elevator where he two of you share a look before giggling.
âLast chance to back out.â You say, using a smile to mask your nerves. You need to get your feelings in check if youâre going to fake being his girlfriend. He must not know youâre actually in love with him, youâve tried that before and he never took a hint. No use trying it now. âOh, and what aboutââ
âDonât worry about your dress, I got everything under control.â He bumps his shoulder against yours and smiles. âTrust me.â
He had asked you if you had your dress ready for the wedding during the same lunch you had asked him to pretend to be your boyfriend. Upon hearing you still had to go shopping for it, he had asked for your best fitting dress and claimed that heâll handle the dress shopping. It took some insisting but finally you had agreed and given him a dress the next day, trying not to become anxious at the thought that if anything were to happen, youâd be dress-less on the day of the wedding.
Harrison opens the door for you when you both reach his car before placing your suitcase on the trunk and getting into the driverâs seat. âHere we go.â You smile, letting out a deep breath. âWho gets the aux cord first?â
âYouâre the guest of honor, youâve got dibs.â Harrison hands you cord and starts the car. âI hope you have some Christmas songs there.â
âMhm.â You nod scrolling through your playlists to find the one you made for today. âI have a whole playlist ready.â
âI knew it.â He glances your way with a soft smile as he drives into the main road and starts to make his way to the highway. âYou have Mariah Carey, right?â
You laugh. âDo you even have to ask?â
Half an hour has gone by when you bring up the plan for the next three days. The scenery that surrounds you is beautiful, though still not covered by snow, and Christmas songs are still playing through the carâs speakers. âSo, letâs go over what will happen once we get to the house.â You take your journal out and find the small to-do list you had written down ever since you got the idea.
âWeâll pretend that we are a couple. If anyone asks, we got together during that trip we had with friends over the summer and we donât have to kiss on the lips.â You keep your eyes on your journal when you bring up the kissing part, knowing that if you kissed him there would be no going back to being âjust friendsâ anymore. Your friendship would be gone. âI wonât make you do that.â
âOkay.â Harrison says, keeping his eyes on the road. âWe can say that our friends set us up during the trip to finally tell each other how we feel, and weâve been together ever since.â
âRight, good idea. If they ask why they havenât seen us together in our social media, weâll go for the âwe donât need to post pictures for our relationship to be realâ route.â You glance to your right to see his profile, looking for any reaction but his face doesnât give anything away. âAnd if at any time, any of us wants to stop the lie, we can.â
You look out of the window now, not wanting Harrison to see the longing in your face. The one thing you want most of the lie to be real so there will be no stopping it from your side, if you have to fake a break-up itâll be because Harrison asks you to.
âI donât think anyone wants a break-up during Christmas.â He chuckles and you can see on your peripheral that heâs shaking his head and smiling. âDo I know everyone thatâs going to be there?â
Going back to the journal you scan the list of guests and nod. âPretty much, yes. The ones that will be staying until the wedding are my parents, granny, my aunts Ruth, Katherine and Cass, their husbands, my 2 younger cousins, Travis with his fiancĂŠ and my dreaded cousin.â
Harrison keeps nodding as you mention the people on your list only noting that he doesnât know your cousinâs fiancĂŠ or your aunt Katherine, but other than that heâs met all of them.
âYou shouldnât let your cousin get to you. You know?â He says after a few minutes of silence. âJust ignore her. She craves attention, if you donât listen to her, youâll piss her off.â
âItâs harder than that Iâm afraid, she seeks out to bug me specifically.â You laugh. âBut now with you, dearest boyfriend, she wonât comment on me being single while bragging about her husband and being a trophy wife.â You take his hand thatâs not on the wheel and give it a squeeze.
The smile he sends your way makes an even bigger one takes over your face. âI can instead brag about my beautiful girlfriend.â Harrison says squeezing your hand when you laugh and nod.
âAlright, if you want to.â You shrug, your eyes still trained on his face. The light coming from his window makes his hair look almost golden, and it takes your breath away. You feel your ears burning though when he turns to you briefly and catches you staring.
âY/N?â He asks, moving his gaze back to the road.
âHm?â You wonder if heâs going to ask you to let go of his hand, but another squeeze proves you wrong.
âRelax okay, itâll be fine.â He brings you hand to his lips and places a kiss over your knuckles. âNow, do you still have that greatest hits playlist you made a while back?â
Your heart is beating a mile a minute and itâs threatening to climb out of your throat at Harrisonâs kiss, only fueling your longing. Not trusting to speak right away, you clear your throat before you answer. âYeah, I have it right here. Any requests?â
Harrison tells you the song he wants you to play and starts to sing along when it starts to play over the speakers, but you canât focus on it. Your eyes and your thoughts are on the hand thatâs still holding yours between both of your seats, the way they look intertwined and the warmth that his gives yours. How are you going to keep your feelings in check for three days when one tiny kiss has you in a frenzy?
Hopefully, youâll figure it out in the rest of the car ride.
ââ part 2 coming soonââ
Tagging: @sunflowerspidey @hollandharrison @peeterparkr @soft-haz @angelhaz11 đđ
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some cute and unique asks - Answer Time
Soooo... Iâm finally able to answer the questions you asked me the most.
Letâs see what we have here...
Oh yeah, I shouldâve warned ya that I am rather boring with this, sooo...
have fun?
1. Â have you ever been in love?
Yes, I was. Two times actually. The first time was a child love... it was even a summer love. It lasted for the summer holidays and ended as sudden as it started. I was nine back then and didnât know that I was in love with the boy. We both had felt attracted.. like... there was something. Something real and special but we both ended up lying to each other. Then our ways parted. Iâve never seen hima gain.
The second time it rather complicated. It was not a good one, so I wonât talk about it. Letâs say I know how a heartbroken soul feels like. I havenât been in a real relationship back then, but it still hurt me deeply. This second love is the reason why I donât trust anyone on romantic feelings. Iâm very difficult with this topic.
10. whatâs your favourite animal?
Phew... animals and I are a difficult topic. We kind of share a love-hate relationship because my parents have never allowed me to have pets. So Iâm not used to them and donât like them that much anymore.
My favorite animal though... hmm... Probably dolphins... maybe even sharks. Harmless one would be a cat tho.
11. what is your favourite song right now?
Ohh... Iâm listening to so much. But I think currently itâs this one.
13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?
Thatâs some hard question. I think it depends on my mood? Sunny days motivate me to work more than usual. I like the warm tingly feeling on my skin. But I donât like heat too much, so I rather sit in the shadow of trees and draw.
I think Iâd prefer rainy days to relax though. I love the sound of the rain. Especially in the evening. You see, Iâve got a skylight right above my bed. I love the sound of the rain hammering against the window. Itâs so nice.
21. what is your favourite word?
What is up with this question tho? Like... Iâve got several asks about this one xâD
My favorite word.... âsuggestiveâ maybe. Like, Iâm not sure if you mean my most favorite word to use while talking or in general. But since I do talk very.. uhh... suggestive with a double-meaning behind the most sentences, this will be the perfect thing to describe it. Oh boi, I love hinting at things.. especially dirty ones. >D
(Or as some of your guys noticed... itâs also âfuckâ for me... sorry)
25. what are you thinking about right now?
Oh boi, Iâm actually thinking about too much. My heads a constant mess filled with the most weird ideas. Right now Iâm thinking about some dirty Swapfellcest in a club. Like.. this idea has kept me busy for a month now. I canât stop thinking about how the Bros act out of Game-Mode and flirt with each other. This keeps me all.... aah.. flustered? I love the idea of aggressive flirting, not caring how others would look at it. Just to hide somewhere dark and uh.. have fun. Shit, why am I again thinking about SMUT. Frick, Iâm weird.
(Usually I think about food, rolf. I love to cook and bake)
26. what emotion do you feel most often?
I guess I feel anxious, worried and stressed the most. Iâm usually under permanent pressure of duties, expectations and other stuff. RL is super shitty. Thatâs why I rather sink into my lovely fantasy bubble and draw. If Iâm in a good mood, I feel weird and funny. My sense of humor is off.
27. what is your favourite season?
Itâs probably spring. I love to watch the nature get all green and nice again. Also itâs slowly getting warmer. And well... my birthday is in spring, sooo... xâD
30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?
Frick, thatâs hard. Uuuh... I guess Iâd prefer the moon. The moon changed itâs shape, manipulates the earth and tide... I love how it brightens up the night or letâs the darkness consume it all. Yeah, I think Iâd chose the moon.
35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?
Fckkkk... I donât know??? I donât like myself really??? But if I had to say something, it would be -ironically- sympathy. I am a very nice person who always tries to help everyone. I am good at making people laugh and forget about their sorrow for a little while. I think this is a good character trait... I mean.. everyone needs someone to lean on and I tend to be the person to do this.
37. who is your favourite music artist?
Phew... uhh.. thatâs hard. When I was younger, it was Shakira. She was my Idol back then and she was the reason I wanted to learn belly dance, haha. My favorite music band is Skillet. I love them. âWhat I believeâ is my most favorite song of them. Iâve gifted my best friend Satsu a dogtag with the lyrics of it âYou are what I believeâ.
Iâve got an ask about uh.. About a good artist?? I donât know if you mean like.. drawing ones.. hah. There are so many tho. I canât list them up... xD
40. when was the last time you cried?
Hmm... I think... it was... two weeks ago? Yeah.. something about this. Iâve had a very hard fight with my mother. My mother is like my best friend who supports me no matter what. Since Iâm also her friend, Iâm also carrying her burdens... she hasnât got that many friends anymore and sheâs very, very old (Sheâs 60.) Sometimes sheâs in a bad mood and lets it all out on me. We tend to fight hard then... and the last time was very unfair, since she used unfair arguments against me. Just like a mother can be.
Iâm actually a very sensible type of human. I cry easily even if I donât want to.
44. what do you think about when you canât fall asleep at night?
Thatâs hard to answer. Itâs always something else. My mind is constantly busy. Iâm worrying about friends, family and life. My darkest thoughts are about death though. Sometimes Iâm even wondering why I am alive. Thereâs no sense in being alive in the first place. I donât beliebe in god, but I do believe that there is something powerful outside that can manipulate us. So yeah.. itâs all random and mostly negative. The only times I feel good - even not able to sleep - is when I talk to my friends. Chatting and fooling around keeps me alive and happy.
46. what is the nicest thing anyoneâs ever done for you?
I am so simply to be pleased. Like for real. Iâm happy about the smol things in life. So the nicest thing... maybe the gift of my best friend last xmas. She made me cookies and put a sticker on it which said: âYou are: Awesome Cool Special GODLIKEâ She made me almost cry about it, because she crossed the godlike answer. This was referring to my obession League of Legends. I felt so happy about this lilâ shit. Itâs nothing big but it brightened up my day when I felt down. For me... the nicest thing is to make me laugh, if I feel down. And I can be a vry, toxic and depressive shit if I feel down.
So the nicest thing is laughter.
50. do you have a nickname?
The most call me by my short name of my real name. I kind of donât want to put it here do.
My other nicknameâs are: âLittle Satanâ âMindenluder (german ftw)â and âMinxâ (MiststĂźck in german tho XD)
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Finn Stuff
Great gigs on the weekend Canberra On Saturday thanks to Al and Tracey, and a bit of a sad one, Sunday as it was our last gig at the Home Tavern. The pub has been sold and Trevor is taking some time out to re asses. We have been playing at the Home Tavern for 12 years doing our first and last for the Wonderful Bigee Blues Club, The BBF will be ongoing in a new venue, Many thanks Trev for 12 years of support.
We were supposed to be at the Native Rose this Sunday but were double booked and will now be on the 16/12/18. Stormcellar are on this Sunday and I will be there to support, come and have a drink with meâŚ.the beerâs great
What About That 2669
Some strange things happening in this world, was a time when our countries leaders were the best and fairestâŚ.now we have Scum Mo.
What About That 2670
Probably going to annoy some with this, but our generation, whilst having some of the best minds are also the greediest generation everâŚ.how did this happen, well I would suggest the self-funded retirement has a lot to do with it. Not suggesting you shouldnât prepare for your retirement but it shouldnât be mandatory.
When I was a kid 20% of the population gambled on the stock market, now that number would be up around 90% plus, and remember the Stock market is no fairer a guarantee than a punt on the horses and before you say aught, think back to 2008. Another one coming soon watch this space.
Jam Stuff
Donât forget if you all bring a friendâŚ.(Câmon I know you have them), our numbers double.
Sign on 7.30 pm both venues
Wednesday on guitar Chris Turner and Bill Crossland on Bass as Al doing a gig with PJ OâBrien .
Grand crowds last week both venues good stuff
Musos Club jams website at:- http://jim0408.wixsite.com/musosclubjamnite
Celebrate New Year's Eve and welcome 2019 with dinner & party at The Vault Port Kembla. Dance and party the night away with the fabulous Kerrie Sweeney and her band, with special support performance by Veronique Sweeney DE Havilland.
Tickets $100 per person at www.vault.events or 0468 405 833.
The gags.
#1
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
#2
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
Parallel lines have so much in common. Itâs a shame theyâll never meet.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think itâs a scream?
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
What did the traffic light say to the car? Donât look! Iâm about to change.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. Iâll go on ahead.
Why wouldnât the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
#3
Xmas jokes
What happens to elves when they behave naughty? Santa gives them the sack.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!
What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!
What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.
What do zombies eat with their Christmas dinner? Grave-y.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?
Whatâs the best Christmas Present? A broken drum - you can't beat it.
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho.
What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
#5
What is Santa's dogs name? Santa Paws!
What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow.
What never eats at Christmas dinner? The turkey â itâs stuffed.
Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday? At a Ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
Did you know that Rudolph the Reindeer never went to school? He was elf taught.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do snowmen usually wear on their heads? Ice caps!
Where do you find chilli beans? At the north pole!
What is a librarians favourite Christmas song? Silent Night
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling? An elfcicle!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it 'soots' him!
How do you know Santa is good at karate? He has a black belt!
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing - it was on the house!
What does Santa say at the start of a race? Ready, set, Ho! Ho! Ho!
Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman? Because he is so cool!
What do you call a cat on Christmas Eve? Sandy Claws.
#6
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Merry Christmas.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use - I've forgotten my name!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree!
#7
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence..........then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?
#8
Different slant same joke.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in more than 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!
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My Favorite Album #208 -Â All Our Exes Live In Texas on Rufus Wainwright 'Want' (2004), sex and genre-blending in Rufus songs, and how musical taste can end romantic relationships
This episode is like being a guest at the best Rufus Wainwright themed dinner party of all time - and believe or not, no alcohol was consumed before or during recording.
Elana Stone and Georgia Mooney - half of Australia's premiere Americana quartet All Our Exes Live In Texas - drop in ahead of their US tour to explore Rufus Wainwright's two 'Want' albums, how they reflect his languid sexuality, genre-bending ambition, relationship with his musical siblings and parents, and why loving and hating Rufus can both lead to the end of romantic relationships. Plus, we record the pilot episode of my new podcast 'My Favorite Cereal'.
Listen in the player above or download the episode by clicking here.
Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes here or in other podcasting apps by copying/pasting our RSS feed - http://myfavoritealbum.libsyn.com/rss
My Favorite Album is a podcast unpacking the great works of pop music. Each episode features a different songwriter or musician discussing their favorite album of all time - their history with it, the making of the album, individual songs and the albumâs influence on their own music.
Jeremy Dylan is a filmmaker, journalist and photographer from Sydney, Australia who has worked in the music industry since 2007. He directed the the feature music documentary Jim Lauderdale: The King of Broken Hearts (out now!) and the feature film Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Cauldron of Penguins, in addition to many commercials and music videos.
LINKS
- All Our Exes Live in Texas on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Buy tickets to their upcoming Australian tour here.
- Buy âWantâ here.
- Jeremy Dylanâs website, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook page.
- Like the podcast on Facebook here.
- If you dig the show, please leave a rating or review of the show on iTunes here.
CHECK OUT OUR OTHER EPISODES
207. Eilish Gilligan on Counting Crows âAugust and Everthing Afterâ (1993)
206. Katie Brianna on Rilo Kiley âUnder the Blacklightâ (2007)
205. Pegi Young on her biggest influences, from Janis to Joni, Clapton to the Dead
204. Margaret Glaspy on Bjork âVespertineâ (2001)
203. Iluka on Marvin Gaye âWhatâs Going Onâ (1971)
202. Veronica Milsom (triple J) on The Shins âWincing the Night Awayâ (2007)
201. Charles Esten on Bruce Springsteen âBorn to Runâ (1975)
200. Whatâs Your Favorite Aussie Music? with Benmont Tench, Duglas T Stewart, Natalie Prass, Sam Palladio and Jeff Greenstein
199. Showrunner Jeff Lieber on Gregory Alan Isakov âThe Weathermanâ and how music fuels his writing process
198. Jack Colwell on Tori Amos âBoys for Peleâ (1996)
197. Benmont Tench on playing with Bob Dylan, Jenny Lewis and Ryan Adams and the worst advice heâs received
196. Ella Thompson (Dorsal Fins, GL) on Renee Geyer âMoving Onâ
195. The Shires on Lady Antebellum âOwn the Nightâ (2011)
194. Duglas T Stewart (BMX Bandits) on Beach Boys âLove Youâ (1977)
193. Dan Soder on Queens of the Stone Age âLike Clockworkâ (2013)
192. Kingswood on The Beatles âMagical Mystery Tourâ (1967)
191. Comedian Becky Lucas on Michael Jackson âBadâ (1987)
190. PVT on Brian Eno âAnother Green Worldâ (1975)
189. Middle Kids on My Brightest Diamond âBring Me The Workhorseâ (2006)
188. The Bitter Script Reader on Tom Hanks âThat Thing You Doâ (1996)
187. Carly Rae Jepsen âEmotionâ (2015) with CRJ Dream Team Roundtable
186. Sarah Belkner on Peter Gabriel âSoâ (1986)
185. Mark Hart (Crowded House, Supertramp) on XTC âDrums and Wiresâ (1979)
184. Emma Swift on Marianne Faithfull âBroken Englishâ (1974)
183. Owen Rabbit on Kate Bush âHounds of Loveâ (1985)
182. Robyn Hitchcock on Bob Dylan âBlonde on Blondeâ (1966)
181. Dave Mudie (Courtney Barnett) on Nirvana âNevermindâ (1991)
180. Brian Koppelman on Bruce Springsteen âNebraskaâ (1982)
179. Nicholas Allbrook (POND) on OutKast âThe Love Belowâ (2003)
178. 2016 in Review: What the hell? ft Jeff Greenstein, Rob Draper & Cookin on 3 Burners, Melody Pool, Lisa Mitchell, Emma Swift, Brian Koppelman, Mark Hart (Crowded House), Davey Lane and Alex Lahey
177. Harper Simon on The Beatles âWhite Albumâ (1968)
176. Andrew P Street on Models âPleasure of Your Companyâ (1983)
175. Matt Farley (Motern Media) on why The Beach Boys âLove Youâ is better than âPet Soundsâ
174. Lisa Mitchell on Regina Spektor âBegin to Hopeâ (2006) and her favorite albums of 2016
173. Peter Bibby on Sleep âDopesmokerâ (2003)
172. Slateâs Jack Hamilton on Stevie Wonder âInnervisionsâ (1973)
171. Showrunner Blake Masters on Drive-By Truckers âThe Dirty Southâ (2004)
170. Taylor Goldsmith (Dawes) on on their new album âWeâre All Gonna Dieâ, loving LA and the albums that inspire him
169. Sadler Vaden on The Rolling Stones âGoats Head Soupâ (1973)
168. Guy Clark biographer Tamara Saviano on âDublin Bluesâ, Guyâs songwriting process and his musical legacy
167. What does Trump mean for music?
166. A Tribute to Sir George Martin, The Fifth Beatle with Davey Lane and Brett Wolfie
165. John Oates on Joni Mitchell âBlueâ (1971)
164. Jimmy Vivino on the birth of the Max Weinberg 7, his relationship with Conan OâBrien, country music and the future of rockânâroll
163. DJ Alix Brown on Transformer (1972) by Lou Reed
162. Taylor Locke on Doolittle (1989) by the Pixies, the album that inspired 90s alt-rock
161. Harts on Around the World in a Day (1985) by Prince and jamming with Prince at Paisley Park
160. Mark McKinnon (The Circus) on Kristofferson and programming the Presidentâs iPod
159. Alan Brough on A Walk Across the Rooftops (1984) by The Blue Nile
158. Peter Cooper on Pretty Close to the Truth (1994) and why we need Americana music
157. Will Colvin (Hedge Fund) on One of the Boys by Katy Perry (2008)
156. Julia Jacklin on Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple (2005)
155. Japanese Wallpaper on Currents by Tame Impala (2015)
154. Montaigne on her album Glorious Heights (2016) and its inspirations
153. Alex Lahey on Hot Fuss by the Killers (2004)
152. Jack Moffitt (The Preatures) on Physical Graffiti by Led Zeppelin (1975)
151. Mike Bloom on Axis Bold As Love by Jimi Hendrix (1968)
150. Hey Geronimo on Drowning in the Fountain of Youth by Dan Kelly (2006)
149. Mickey Raphael on Teatro by Willie Nelson (1998)
148. Jack Ladder on Suicide by Suicide
147. Rusty Anderson on Hot Rats by Frank Zappa
146. Kenny Aronoff on The Beatles
145. Bob Evans on A Grand Donât Come for Free by The Streets
144. Chris Hewitt (Empire) on New Adventues in Hi-Fi by REM
143. Dr Warren Zanes on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
142. Dr Mark Kermode (Wittertainment) on Sleep No More by the Comsat Angels
141. Van Dyke Parks on Randy Newman by Randy Newman
140. Imogen Clark on Heartbreaker by Ryan Adams
139. Jesse Thorn on Fresh by Sly and the Family Stone
138. Stephen Tobolowsky on The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie
137. Ben Blacker on Blood and Chocolate on Elvis Costello & the Attractions
136. Jonny Fritz on West by Lucinda Williams
135. Adam Busch on A River Ainât Too Much to Love by Smog
134. Kelsea Ballerini on Blue Neighbourhood by Troye Sivan
133. Natalie Prass on Presenting Dionne Warwick
132. Josh Pyke on Badmotorfinger by Soundgarden
131. Kip Moore on Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen
130. Koi Child on Voodoo by DâAngelo
129. The Cadillac Three on Wildflowers by Tom Petty
128. Julian McCullough on Appetite for Destruction by Guns n Roses
127. Danny Clinch on Greetings from Ashbury Park NJ by Bruce Springsteen
126. Sam Palladio (Nashville) on October Road by James Taylor
125. Steve Mandel on Blood and Chocolate by Elvis Costello
124. Brian Koppelman on The History of the Eagles
123. Benmont Tench on Beggars Banquet by the Rolling Stones
122. Jimmy Vivino (Basic Cable Band) on Super Session by Al Kooper, Mike Bloomfield and Stephen Stills
121. Holiday Sidewinder on Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid by Bob Dylan
120. Ben Blacker on Aladdin Sane by David Bowie
119. EZTV on The Toms by The Toms
118. Jess Ribeiro on Transformer by Lou Reed
117. Whitney Rose on Keith Whitley Greatest Hits
116. Best Albums of 2015 with Danny Yau ft. Jason Isbell, Dan Kelly, Shane Nicholson, Tim Rogers, Will Hoge and Julien Barbagallo (Tame Impala)
115. Phil Spectorâs A Christmas Gift For You with Jaime Lewis
114. Xmas Music ft. Kristian Bush, Lee Brice, Corb Lund and Tim Byron
113. Sam Outlaw on Pieces of the Sky by Emmylou Harris
112. Jason Isbell on Sticky Fingers by the Rolling Stones
111. Ash Naylor (Even) on Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin
110. Burke Reid (Gerling) on Dirty by Sonic Youth
109. Lance Ferguson (The Bamboos) on Kind of Blue by Miles Davis
108. Lindsay âThe Doctorâ McDougall (Frenzal Rhomb) on Curses! by Future of the Left
107. Julien Barbagallo (Tame Impala) on Chrominance Decoder by April March
106. Melody Pool on Blue by Joni Mitchell
105. Rusty Hopkinson (You Am I) on âNuggets: Original Artyfacts from the First Psychedelic Eraâ
104. Jeff Greenstein on A Quick One (Happy Jack) by The Who
103. Dave Cobb on Revolver by the Beatles
102. Justin Melkmann (World War IX) on Coney Island Baby by Lou Reed
101. Kacey Musgraves on John Prine by John Prine
100. Does the album have a future?
99. Corb Lund on Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs by Marty Robbins
98. Bad Dreems on Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division
97. Davey Lane (You Am I) on Abbey Road by the Beatles
96. Dan Kelly on Thereâs A Riot Goinâ On by Sly and the Family Stone
95. Ash Grunwald on Mule Variations by Tom Waits
94. Stella Angelico on The Shangrilas
93. Eves the Behavior on Blue by Joni Mitchell
92. Troy Cassar-Daley on Willie Nelsonâs Greatest Hits
91. Lydia Loveless on Pleased to Meet Me by the Replacements
90. Gena Rose Bruce on The Boatmanâs Call by Nick Cave
89. Kitty Daisy and Lewis on A Swinginâ Safari by Bert Kaempfert
88. Will Hoge on Modern Sounds in Country & Western Music by Ray Charles
87. Shane Nicholson on 52nd St by Billy Joel
86 - Tired Lion on Takk⌠by Sigur Ros
85 - Whispering Bob Harris on Forever Changes by Love
84 - Jake Stone (Bluejuice) on Ben Folds Five by Ben Folds Five
83 - Pete Thomas (Elvis Costello and the Imposters) on Are You Experienced? by the Jimi Hendrix Experience
82 - Dom Alessio on OK Computer by Radiohead
81 - Anthony Albanese MP on The Good Son by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
80 - John Waters on Electric Ladyland by The Jimi Hendrix Experience
79 - Jim DeRogatis (Sound Opinions) on Clouds Taste Metallic by The Flaming Lips
78 - Montaigne on The Haunted Man by Bat for Lashes
77 - Guy Pratt (Pink Floyd) on Quadrophenia by The Who
76 - Homer Steinweiss (Dap Kings) on Inspiration Information by Shuggie Otis
75 - Best of 2015 (So Far) ft. Danny Yau, Montaigne, Harts, Joelistics, Rose Elinor Dougall and Burke Reid
74 - Matt Farley (Motern Media) on RAM by Paul McCartney
BONUS - Neil Finn on The Beatles, Neil Young, David Bowie and Radiohead
73 - Grace Farriss (Burn Antares) on All Things Must Pass by George Harrison
72 - Katie Noonan on Blue by Joni Mitchell
71 - Harts on Band of Gypsys by Jimi Hendrix
70 - Tim Rogers (You Am I) on Bring the Family by John Hiatt
69 - Mark Seymour (Hunters and Collectors) on The Ghost of Tom Joad by Bruce Springsteen
68 - Jeremy Neale on Graceland by Paul Simon
67 - Joelistics on Graceland by Paul Simon
66 - Brian Nankervis (RocKwiz) on Astral Weeks by Van Morrison
65 - ILUKA on Pastel Blues by Nina Simone
64 - Rose Elinor Dougall on Tender Buttons by Broadcast
63 - Sarah McLeod (The Superjesus) on Siamese Dream by The Smashing Pumpkins
62 - Keyone Starr on The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
61 - Chase Bryant on Defying Gravity by Keith Urban
60 - Brian Koppelman on Southeastern by Jason Isbell
59 - Michael Carpenter on The Beatles White Album Side 4
58 - Pete Kilroy (Hey Geronimo) on The Beatles White Album Side 3
57 - Mark Wells on The Beatles White Album Side 2
56 - Jeff Greenstein on Colossal Youth by Young Marble Giants
55 - Laura Bell Bundy on Shania Twain, Otis Redding and Bright Eyes
54 - Jake Clemons on Surfacing by Sarah McLachlan
53 - Kristian Bush (Sugarland) on The Joshua Tree by U2
52 - Kevin Bennett (The Flood) on Willis Alan Ramsey by Willis Alan Ramsey
51 - Lee Brice on Unorthodox Jukebox by Bruno Mars
50 - Davey Lane (You Am I) on the White Album (Side 1) by The Beatles
49 - Joe Camilleri on The Rolling Stones by The Rolling Stones
48 - Russell Morris on The Rolling Stones by The Rolling Stones
47 - Mike Rudd (Spectrum) on Englandâs Newest Hitmakers by The Rolling Stones
46 - Henry Wagons on Harvest by Neil Young
45 - Megan Washington on Poses by Rufus Wainwright
44 - Andrew Hansen (The Chaser) on Armchair Theatre by Jeff Lynne
43 - She Rex on BlakRoc by The Black Keys
42 - Catherine Britt on Living with Ghosts by Patty Griffin
41 - Robyn Hitchcock on Plastic Ono Band by John Lennon
40 - Gideon Bensen (The Preatures) on Transformer by Lou Reed
39 - Harry Hookey on Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan
38 - Rob Draper on Faith by George Michael
37 - Best of 2014 ft. Danny Yau, Andrew Hansen, Gideon Bensen (The Preatures) and Mike Carr
36 - Doug Pettibone on Wrecking Ball by Emmylou Harris
35 - Ross Ryan on Late for the Sky by Jackson Browne
34 - Michael Carpenter on Hard Promises by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
33 - Davey Lane (You Am I) on Jesus of Cool by Nick Lowe
32 - Zane Carney on Smokinâ at the Half Note by Wes Montgomery
31 - Tony Buchen on Sgt Pepperâs Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles
30 - Simon Relf (The Tambourine Girls) on On the Beach by Neil Young
29 - Peter Cooper on In Search of a Song by Tom T Hall
28 - Thelma Plum on Stolen Apples by Paul Kelly
27 - James House on Rubber Soul by the Beatles
26 - Ella Hooper on Let England Shake by PJ Harvey
25 - Abbey Road Special
24 - Alyssa Bonagura on Room for Squares by John Mayer
23 - Luke Davison (The Preatures) on Green Onions by Booker T and the MGs
22 - Neil Finn on Hunky Dory by David Bowie and In Rainbows by Radiohead
21 - Neil Finn on Beatles for Sale by the Beatles and After the Goldrush by Neil Young
20 - Morgan Evans on Diorama by Silverchair
19 - Emma Swift on Car Wheels On A Gravel Road by Lucinda Williams
18 - Danny Yau on Hourly Daily by You Am I
17 - J Robert Youngtown and Jon Auer (The Posies) on Hi Fi Way by You Am I
16 - Lester the Fierce on Hounds of Love by Kate Bush
15 - Luke Davison on Green Onions by Booker T and the MGs
14 - Jeff Cripps on Wheels of Fire by Cream
13 - Mark Holden on Blue by Joni Mitchell (Part 2)
12 - Mark Holden on Blue by Joni Mitchell (Part 1)
11 - Gossling on O by Damien Rice
10 - Matt Fell on Temple of Low Men by Crowded House
9 - Pete Thomas on Are You Experienced? by Jimi Hendrix (Part 2)
8 - Pete Thomas on Are You Experienced? by Jimi Hendrix (Part 1)
7 - Sam Hawksley on A Few Small Repairs by Shawn Colvin
6 - Jim Lauderdale on Grievous Angel by Gram Parsons
5 - Mark Moffatt on Blues Breakers by John Mayall and Eric Clapton
4 - Darren Carr on Ten Easy Pieces by Jimmy Webb
3 - Mark Wells on Revolver by The Beatles
2 - Mike Carr on Arrival by ABBA
1 - Rob Draper on Highway 61 Revisited by Bob Dylan
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