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carbonated-chicken-broth · 5 years

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Riddles and Body Bleach || Lucifer x Reader

Love Luci. This is actually an older one I’ve got posted on wATtPaD but since I abandoned the site, I figured I’d post it here to try and maintain some semblance of productivity.

Pairing(s): Lucifer/Reader, Dean/Cas, Sam/no one (poooooor Sammeh)

Category: Crack

Reader Gender: Female

Warnings: Uhhhhh mild implications? Nothing major. Also naughty language, but again, nothing too too bad. Also it’s a crackfic so...I mean, I hope it’s funny? I’m doin’ my best, I swear.

Word Count: 1,100+

Sam has created a chat

Sam has added Dean, Castiel, (Y/N)

Sam: Guys

Sam: Guys guess what

(Y/N): Did you get anywhere on the research?

Dean: Yeah we're not finding anything useful

Sam: No but I found something better

Castiel: What is it, Sam?

Dean: hold on

Dean has changed 'Castiel' to 'Cas'

Dean: it was making me uncomfortable. carry on

Sam: Guys

(Y/N): What

Sam: Riddles

Dean: ...

Dean: . . .

Dean: Sam ppl r literally dying as we speak wtf

Sam: Dean ppl r dying literally whenever we speak and we have no leads just let me have this

(Y/N): are they.........are they good riddles

Sam: .........yus

(Y/N): gimme

Sam: What can you take from a man who has nothing?

Dean: *takes your laptop*

(Y/N): *takes your 2-in-1 shampoo/hair conditioner*

Sam: You already do that

Lucifer has joined the chat

Lucifer: *takes your soul*

Dean: TOO FAR

Sam: ...

Lucifer: Hiya Sammy

Lucifer: Deano

Lucifer: Cassie

Lucifer: (Y/N) 🖤

(Y/N): 🖤

Sam: ...

Sam: bitch

Dean: someone say jerk before the universe collapses

Cas: Why would the universe collapse unless someone says 'jerk?'

Cas: Dean?

Cas: You're such a child.

Cas: Jerk.

Dean: thank you

Lucifer: (Y/N) why does sammeh hate meeeee

(Y/N): Hmmmmmmmmidk

Sam: oH YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU DID?? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID!!

Lucifer has been disconnected

Sam: serves him the fuck right. thirstyass ho

Castiel: ???

Sam: The answer is his virginity

Castiel: ?!?!?!

Dean: smooth transition there

Sam: Shut up

(Y/N): Wait but like,,,,,,,how

Sam: If he has nothing, then he doesn't have sex

Cas: That is a paradox.

Sam: Stfu

Cas: What does that mean?

Dean: don't worry about it

(Y/N): Hey Sam remember that job we were working? That job that saves peoples lives? That job?

Sam: Fine

Lucifer has joined the chat

Lucifer: the wifi down here is no bueno

Sam: Leave

Sam: You are not welcome here

Dean: got'em

Cas: The lingo here is very strange. It is as if the laws of grammar and spelling do not apply. I shall document my findings.

Dean: never say lingo again

Sam: The power of Christ compels you to gtfo

Lucifer: (Y/N) Sam's being a big meanie help

Lucifer: (Y/NNNNNN)

Lucifer: halp meh pls

Lucifer: dark princess most amorous where u go

Sam: You're too late. She can't hear you now

Lucifer: wHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LOVE

Dean: you'll never know

Cas: Sam stole (Y/N)'s phone.

Dean: CAS

Cas: She is in the process of getting it back. Sam is too tall. She cannot reach.

Lucifer: give her baaaaaaack

Lucifer: wait

Lucifer: is she jumping?

Dean: why

Lucifer: I like it when she jumps. dad bless gravity...

Cas: She is jumping.

Dean: dude that's so weird that's not even a kink stop

Lucifer: 😈

(Y/N): Ha she left her phone open

(Y/N): I'm gonna scroll through her camera roll

Lucifer: sam I swear to dad you stay out of that daddamn camera roll for your own safety as much as ours

Lucifer: and give my princess back her phone

(Y/N): ha ha no

Dean: sam don't do it

Cas: This all sounds very inadvisable.

(Y/N): I'm gonna do it

Sam: bitch I will cut you

(Y/N): It's too late. I'm gonna open the app

Lucifer: princess?

Sam: Yeah. Daddy Longlegs left his phone on the table

Lucifer: dont call him that.

Dean: how did you get into it tho?

Sam: Really easily actually. His password's 327&/!;7,@@2?92$hsitvskfgh

Lucifer: PRINCESS?

Sam: Take back your tainted device you foul woman

Lucifer: yes return my bb

Dean: Sam explain

(Y/N): babe hi

Lucifer: 💖

(Y/N): 💖

Sam: you two are gross

Lucifer: 👿

(Y/N): our pictures r cute what r u talking about

Dean: sem explen

Cas: Please do not explain, Sam.

Sam: I need to bleach my entire body

Lucifer: do it

Dean: Sammy pleeeeease?

Sam has sent Dean a private message

Dean has left the chat

(Y/N): oh shit he's running

Dean has joined the chat

Dean: WHAT FHE FUCK MAN RHATS UNNATURAL (Y/N) ARE YOU OKAY DOESNT THAT HURT??!?!!??

Dean has left the chat

Cas: One could even say...Supernatural.

(Y/N): Leave

Cas has left the chat

(Y/N): no wait Cas

Lucifer: I would never hurt my princess!

Lucifer: Unless she wants me to ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sam: pls no

(Y/N): pls yes

Cas has joined the chat

Cas: What is 'pls?'

Sam: Please

Cas: Please what?

Sam: ...

Sam: nvm

Cas: ???

Sam: Never mind.

(Y/N): give up

Cas: I am very confused.

Sam: pls = please

Cas: I see. I will remember that.

Lucifer: hey (Y/N)

(Y/N): Yes love of my life?

Lucifer: if there were a cute police they'd shoot you on sight for being so darn adorable

(Y/N): Aw babe ily

Lucifer: ily2

Cas: I do not understand.

Sam: Perhaps it's best if it stays that way

Sam: Also (Y/N) I'm worried for your safety

Lucifer: sam if there were a cute police they'd hit you with their car but not because you're cute just because they want you to not be alive

Sam: why tho

Lucifer: my bb is safe and sound

Cas: Your compliments all end in her dying. That is not healthy.

Lucifer: false

(Y/N): He has a point, babe

Lucifer: aw babe im sorry

(Y/N): it's okay apology accepted

Sam: i hate both of you so much

Lucifer: Awwww Sammy doesn't loooove uuuuuus?

(Y/N): I don't think he dooooooes

Sam: Fuck yourseeeeeelves

Cas: What a fascinating interaction.

(Y/N): Seriously tho we should really get to work. And get Dean

Cas: I will go find him. He ran off in the direction of the laundry room. I'm worried for him.

Lucifer: Destiel?????

Cas: No, my name is Castiel.

Sam: right over his head

Lucifer: i noticed

Cas: why are we talking like this?

(Y/N): Dean must be really worrying right now out in a room far away on his own. Cas, go find him.

Cas: That is a good idea. I'll go do that.

Cas has left the chat

Lucifer: that's not the only thing he's gonna go do

Lucifer: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sam has left the chat

(Y/N): You've scared him away

Lucifer: I tend to have that affect

(Y/N): I wonder what could have inspired it

Lucifer: Haven't the faintest

(Y/N): I imagine so

(Y/N): Anyway I gtg work so...

Lucifer: But I wanna seeeee youuuu

Lucifer: Take the warding downnnnn

Lucifer: pleeeeeeease?

(Y/N): ...

(Y/N): give me five minutes

(Y/N) has left the chat

Lucifer: 😈

Lucifer has left the chat

I have other ideas for fics like this buuuuut whether or not I’ll write ‘em is hard to predict. But yeah, that’s the stuff! Thanks for readin’!

#Lucifer x reader #supernatural fanfic #spn fanfic #Lucifer (spn) x reader #my-weirdassart-fandomtrash #i need to change my username #but i'm too afraid #tell me if you laughed?#or don't i mean it's up to you #have a good day!

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