#i talked her through every problem every breakdown walked on eggshells to keep her happy and then what does she do when she leaves?

[bakurapika]

haha okay i love jd, i really do, yes i’m one of Those People

BUT i really want to show the masterpiece of manipulative behavior that is the reprise of “meant to be yours” (which veronica thankfully outsmarts)

(i talk about this a lot but i think about this a lot so???)

this is gonna be LINE BY LINE yall

oh and side note this is so fun for voice/acting practice because of the bajillion emotions and crescendos in this frickin genius song

All is forgiven, baby! 

JD’s introducing himself as the gracious, forgiving party that was wronged in their previous encounter (which, if you haven’t watched through the whole musical, was him intimating the murder of Heather Duke... and his extremely reckless use of a firearm after promising that he was a changed man). This is putting Veronica in an awkward position of guilt from the get-go.

Come on, get dressed. You're my date to the pep rally tonight!

More of JD assuming that he’ll get his way from Veronica without her having a say in the matter.

You chucked me out like I was trash

Placing all the guilt from their encounter on Veronica’s cruelty and senselessness. Avoiding responsibility for anything he’s done thus far. Painting Veronica in a heartless light that would normally inspire pity and apology. 

For that you should be dead—

More evidence of JD’s recklessly erratic behavior and roller coaster of emotional extremes. Though I definitely think JD has a lot of mental illness issues on his plate, I (as an unprofessional run of the mill armchair diagnoser) don’t think this is a symptom of any of them. It’s another sign of abuse--that JD’s mood varies so wildly that Veronica would have to walk around eggshells on him. That this idea popped in his head is enough of a red flag; that he tells Veronica this while trying to make up is nothing less than an implicit death threat. 

For context, remember that JD’s already set plans in motion that would make it very, very easy to fake Veronica’s suicide at his own hands. This wasn’t just a passing idea. This is a noose he’s already wrapped around her neck.

But! But! But! Then it hit me like a flash What if high school went away instead?

This line is definitely more of a mental-illness issue (or at least unhealthy thinking) than the previous ones. JD’s getting paranoid now in his search for somebody to blame besides himself or Veronica for their breakup. 

Those assholes are the key!

JD’s extending an olive branch here, at least in his own mind. He’s not forgiving Veronica for their fight, though; he’s saying that it’s not her fault, since she’s being controlled by a malicious third party. Not only is this insulting--it’s insinuating that her judgment and decision-making is impaired (and that JD is the one to make her decisions for her in the meantime).

Keep in mind that he’s not just talking about the jocks and Heathers, though. He’s talking about every single other student--including Martha and Heather McNamara, whose wills to live Veronica’s been fighting tooth and nail to save. JD may not have meant this line to be a threat against Veronica, but it functions to further drown out her opinion and isolate her from anyone besides himself.

They’re keeping you away from me!

Now JD’s making up barriers. He and Veronica didn’t “break up” by her choice anymore--there’s just an obstruction in their relationship that needs to be overcome by force. This is simplifying the issue even further than before. 

They made you blind, messed up your mind

Completely robbing Veronica of any power here. Even if Veronica tried to talk down JD at this point, he could discount anything she said as being the product of her brainwashing by the other students.

But I can set you free!

Classic manipulation--introducing a problem (whether or not it objectively exists) and putting forward the desired action as the only solution. Black and white thinking, false dilemma, whatever you want to call it--JD’s crafting a situation You left me and I fell apart

Having given Veronica an “out,” a way to escape the conflict between the two of them, JD goes back to playing the pity game. Veronica supposedly was the one who caused JD’s emotional breakdown. JD’s not letting himself be blamed at all here, and he’s definitely nowhere near an apology.

I punched the wall and cried—Bam! Bam! Bam!

This is, again, an implicit threat. If Veronica claimed to feel threatened, JD could honestly say that he said no such thing, she’s being emotional, etc. But this introduces a very immediate, physically violent threat. JD’s “lost control” and started hitting things before, and he seems like he’s in the mood to do it again. 

Then I found you changed my heart and set loose all that truthful shit inside!

Further defending his actions as the right thing to do, while painting Veronica as the guilty party. This isn’t much better reasoning than the stereotypical “you made me abuse you” line. 

And so I built a bomb Tonight our school is Vietnam! Let’s guarantee they’ll never see their senior prom! Ramping up the physical threat from mere punching to action, large-scale murder. JD is still seeing himself as the rational person here, and he expects Veronica to agree with him.

I was meant to be yours! We were meant to be one!

The soft singing and sudden waltz tempo of these lines is important, I think. JD’s using a stick-and-carrot for Veronica. He’s just finished introduced the sticks--possible physical abuse or murder of Veronica, Veronica being guilty for JD’s mental breakdown, the ending of their relationship--and now he’s teasing her with the carrot. Their relationship used to be so good, and it could be again. Not only that, it’s meant to be. This isn’t a choice for Veronica anymore--it’s her fate, and she has no say in the end result.

Don’t give up on me now!

JD’s reminding Veronica of the emotional investment she’s put in this relationship. Not only does the breakup represent her failure, now; it represents her giving up on someone she cares about.

Finish what we’ve begun!

And Veronica’s not an accidental accomplice to JD’s murders, in his mind. This was something they started together.

Sadly Veronica is, at least, affected by this reasoning, as we hear in the Dead Girl Walking reprise. She considers herself as guilty as JD in Heather, Ram, and Kurt’s murders, and she does believe that it’s her destiny to end this chain of events by JD’s side. 

I was meant to be yours!

So when the high school gym goes BOOM with everyone inside—Pew! Pew! Pew!

In the rubble of their tomb

We’ll plant this note explaining why they died!

OK I’m not even gonna analyze this one for manipulation, because this is so batshit ahahahah. Heathers is full of dark comedy and I consider this one of the examples of gallows humor. 

Like the cops are just gonna be like “welp, this explosion destroyed countless human bodies................... but hey look a stickie note survived”

(Westerburg cops might, but you’d think the FBI or something would get involved. Like.......................JD didn’t even laminate the note. wtf mate, what are you expecting to happen) We’ll watch the smoke pour out the doors Bring marshmallows We’ll make s’mores! We can smile and cuddle while the fire roars! Painting a vivid picture of their relationship being “all better,” while JD still seems to be under the mistaken impression that Veronica will stop caring about her dead classmates immediately afterward. I was meant to be yours! We were meant to be one! I can’t take it alone! Finish what we’ve begun!

You were meant to be mine! I am all that you need!

Reinforcing the isolation of the victim. If Veronica actually went along with this--god forbid she had any other close personal relationships. JD would consider that absolute betrayal. 

(His motives for this are worth thinking about, though not here--he has very polarized views of the people in his life. He worships Veronica, and at this point he expects that attitude to be reciprocated)

You carved open my heart! Don’t just leave me to bleed!

Veronica’s the cruel, bloodthirsty person in this relationship if she refuses to answer him. JD’s heaping the guilt on her. Veronica, open the—open the door, please Veronica, open the door

Now he’s trying a foot-in-the-door (ha!) approach. Opening a door is a very tiny request, but if she agrees to it out of pity, she’ll feel more obligated to agree to his much bigger demands.

The frantic repetition is making this tiny request that much harder to ignore.

Veronica, can we not fight anymore, please Can we not fight anymore

JD’s trivializing the issue, turning it into a run-of-the-mill couples spat that can be fixed with a single conversation. He’s trying to get Veronica to question her judgment. 

After all, it would be so much easier at this point for her to go along with them. And then they could be happy again together.

(in the off-broadway recording JD’s voice breaks so beautifully here. I consider it a nod to the audience that JD’s not just making this up for the sake of manipulating Veronica, even if that is his desired end result--he’s really, genuinely confused at why this is such a big deal to her, and why they can’t just be happy together again [on his awful terms].)

Veronica, sure, you’re scared I’ve been there. I can set you free!

Trying to wrap up this one-sided argument by once again setting up himself and Veronica as allies in the fight against the world. He’s relating to his victim, making the issue in their relationship seem temporary and dependent on her own flawed state of mind.

This also echoes the short talk Veronica got from her mother in the previous song. While her mom was genuinely caring and trying to relate, JD is saying the same thing for much more sinister purposes. Veronica didn’t like it the first time nor the second.

Veronica, don’t make me come in there!

Again--the “you made me do it” abusive line of reasoning, with heavily implied threats and an act of physical violence.

I’m gonna count to three!

Putting a time limit on something is a great way to convince people to do it. (See: limited-time flash sales.) JD’s demanding an immediate answer from Veronica, or else. 

He’s also still setting himself up as a disciplinary adult figure--making decisions for her, scolding her, relating to her, helping her, and even trying to get her to open her bedroom door by the count of three, like she’s a five-year-old.

One! Two! Fuck it!

And I think it’s really important to note these last couple of lines in JD’s one-sided argument. He set up a time limit, but still barged in ahead of time. This wasn’t in the interest of getting inside as fast as possible, of course. This was done specifically to take Veronica off guard and find her in an even more vulnerable position while still sounding like the voice of reason. After all, he did warn her that he was coming in, and she refused to answer him, so of course he came in, who cares that he got bored of counting.

He’s making his mood unpredictable and dangerous whenever he doesn’t get his way. 

aaaand haha holy fuck i’ve written almost 2000 words on this short song and i still think i skipped over bits on accident

i’d love to hear ur thoughts tho guys if anyone read this

#jd #heathers #jason dean #meant to be yours #character analysis

[prettylittlelucygoose]

Serious Talk || Jucy

L: "I'm happy to be home with you."

J: "I'm happy to have all my girls home."

L: "I really do love you."

J: "I love you too."

L: "And I promise you I'm never gonna leave you."

J: "Please stop saying that."

L: "But it's the truth. I never make promises I can't keep, but this is the easiest promise I'll ever make. You make me the happiest I've ever been and I'm gonna try really hard to show that to you."

J: "Okay."

L: She sighed sadly, "You don't believe me."

J: "I didn't say that."

L: "But you're not saying you believe me either."

J: "I believe that you mean it right now."

L: "I mean it forever. I was either not coming back after the hotel or if I did come back I was back for life."

J: "What about Ian? And Niall?"

L: "What about them?"

J: "You still love them."

L: "No, I don't. When I think back to how Ian walked out on me with no explanation and how Niall abandoned me when I needed someone the most it makes me hate both of them. I'm a very sexual person and a lot of times I let my promiscuity take control of my thoughts so yeah, maybe sometimes I think about how it would feel to have sex with someone, them included, but I'd never act on it. It's a fantasy." She reached for his hand, "They were not the ones for me so even if they both begged for me I would turn them away. I have the best husband in the world and I'm incredibly lucky."

J: "Do you get how that makes me feel? To hear you talk about wanting to fuck someone else, or to see you flirt with them on Twitter? It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit."

L: "You can't tell me you've never thought about fucking someone else, everybody think about it at least once. They mean very little to me compared to you. Why does it matter if sometimes when I'm alone I think about other people? Most of the time I'm thinking about you anyway and when I'm with you I'm only thinking about you."

J: "Just forget it."

L: "No, I won't forget it. We have to work through these problems."

J: "You're never gonna understand so why bother?"

L: "I'm trying to understand...but I'm also trying to get you to understand me too."

J: "There's a difference between thinking about something and sharing it with the fucking world making me look like an idiot. The world doesn't need to hear every fucking sexual thought that pops into your head."

L: "I'll try to watch what I post from now on."

J: "For the record, I may appreciate a beautiful woman, but I have not once thought about sleeping with anyone else."

L: "But that's the kid of person you are, you can't fault me for being the person I am. I'm faithful to you. Since we've been together you're the only person I've been with. Why doesn't that count for anything?"

J: "How do I know that? I don't know what you did on your benders, do you?"

L: "Yes, I do. I locked myself in my room and took pills, smoked weed, watched TV and slept. And when I did go out with female friends to the bar to drink, the one time someone made a move on me I turned them away and when they kept putting their hands on me Jeff came over and got rid of them and got me home. I've never cheated on you."

J: Jared looked at his wife with tears in his eyes. "How can you be sure? You were high the whole time."

L: She moved closer to him and hugged him, "Because I've never been too high where I lost track of time. It scared me that morning I woke up in Ian's bed when I was engaged to Sebastian. I never wanted to put myself through that again and I never have."

J: "I'm so tired Luce. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. I'm tired of always being the strong one so you don't breakdown again. I'm just tired." He said putting his face in his hands.

L: " And you think I like fighting with you? This house isn't exactly a picnic for me either. I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells or you're gonna get worried or mad or jealous. I feel like I can't be me because I don't fit into the cookie cutter image you have for your wife. I'm not Gen, if you wanted a perfect wife you should have stayed with her."

J: "I never said I wanted perfect. But I do want someone who actually wants to be in this family. Who isn't so concerned with having fun that she forgets she's a parent. Who actually thinks before she acts. You get tired of walking on eggshells so I don't get mad? Did you ever stop to think that if you actually had a conversation with me instead of telling me this is what you're doing instead of doing whatever you want, that maybe I wouldn't get pissed all the time? This is supposed to be a partnership. I'm not supposed to feel like I have five kids instead of four."

L: "I'm not used to this..." she admitted. "I've always been on my own doing my own thing and only really caring about myself because at the end of the day everyone always leaves and I can only depend on myself. I don't know how to..." she sighed, feeling stupid, "I don't know how to be part of a family like this. I don't know how to be in charge of a family. I know I'm not responsible when it comes to everything other than work. I've always excelled when it came to work but I suck at personal relationships."

J: "It's been two years since you've been a mom Lucy. It's like you don't want to try." He said frustrated. "Do you want to be part of this family or do you want to be free to do whatever you want?"

L: She took a deep breath and thought about it, "I hate being a mom, but I love being married to you. I don't know...I don't know where to go from here.."

J: "I can't keep going like this Lucy. I can't have a part time partner in all this. So you need to figure it out and decide what you want."

L: "I don't think I'm the one for you..." she said sadly and started to cry, "But I don't want to lose you...but I can't be who you want me to be.."

J: "Maybe you need time to figure out what you really want for your life," he said sadly. "I love you Lucy, and I don't want to lose you, but something has to change. Living like this isn't good for either of us, or the kids."

L: "I love you too and I do want to be married to you. I just don't know how to be the mother you want me to be. I've gotten better I feel, but I'm never gonna be like Gen, or Ashley, or Danneel, or anyone else we know."

J: "I don't expect you to be them but I do expect to be able to leave the kids and not worry if you've got them or if you've given them to someone else because you can't handle them."

L: "And what if I'm never able to handle them? Am I supposed to give Belle to Seb, give Sam to you and just vanish? I don't want that. I do love them."

J: "That's just is Luce. You CAN handle them you just choose not to because you'd rather focus on what you want instead of what they need. Being a parent is about putting your kids first no matter what."

L: "I try."

J: "Do you, or do you just call someone to take them so you can go do whatever?"

L: "I. Try." She didn't want to yell at him so she tried to keep her voice low even through she naturally felt herself getting defensive. "I do as much as I can and when I get too overwhelmed I ask for help. I take care of the kids more now than I ever have and you never acknowledge that. You only say something when I ask someone to watch them for a little bit, even when it's for a legitimate reason."

J: "You're right. I don't acknowledge that and I'm sorry."

L: Hearing him say she was right shocked her and she lifted her head to look at him. "I really am trying, Jared. I might not be at your parenting level but I'm far from where I was when Belle was born."

[kill-mysoul-blog1]

April 18, 2017

First day back after Easter holidays. I wanted everything to be okay, but here I am, fucking up first thing in the morning. She already woke me up and I went back to bed. I went back to bed because I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to face the world again. I didn’t have a reason to get up, even though I did, it wasn’t enough. I didn’t go to the devotional prayer in the morning and so she got mad. We fought again. It didn’t end up well. 

Back in the old days, when life was still as bright and shiny as the sun with her, I would not let the fight last. I would do some special thing. And I guess that’s what I did, somehow. I didn’t sleep anymore after the fight and it was around 8. I got out of bed because now I have a reason: I need to make her feel okay. I left the house early to think of what I’m gonna do. I was already waiting for her at around 9:15, but she texted me that she wanted to sleep more so she was going down at around 10. I decided to walk around and try to get my old self back even though I know it’s impossible. I thought about buying breakfast for her. I knew she already ate, but I bought breakfast anyway. I walked around Sant Antoni and ended up in Pans. I waited while sipped my coffee. 

When it was almost 10, I went to her house. I easily got in cause someone went out of the door of the building. I remember the times when I did these kind of things. Slipping out of the house and going to her house to surprise her. I can’t do that anymore. I just can’t. She wasn’t really that happy to see me. At least, she hugged me and kissed me.

This day wasn’t really a great day. I didn’t want to do anything related to university. There were so many things to do, but I don’t feel like doing any of them. I recently found out that she was given permission to go back home. I know it’s for the best and I know she’ll do good there. She can follow her dreams and have a great job and be independent and most of all, be happy. Be happy without me. She says she is happy with me, but I know deep down inside of her, she is choking and she is tired and she wants to get away from here. As far away as possible. I can’t stop her anymore. I just can’t because things will just worsen if she stays one more year. 

I don’t know what will happen to me in the future. Will I still be able to go to school? Will I still want to do that? Will I still have the will to do it? I don’t think I can do it anymore. I’ll be all alone. I don’t know how to live my life anymore. All these years, I only thought about passing and doing what I think might be able to help her get through all of this shit. All I think about was her, even though she thinks I’m doing everything to push her away from me. I don’t mean to fuck up, but I always do. Now we are toxic as ever. Now that she’s leaving, I lost my life’s purpose. I know my world turned because of her and I let her. Now my world is falling apart. More than before. I feel like every bit of happiness in me has been sucked out of me and I’m just an eggshell left with nothing inside. Easily breakable. Vulnerable. Close to breaking into a million pieces. I don’t know how to survive this. I don’t know if I can. I spent the whole day thinking about it and worring about it and all I could think about was buying some blades and start cutting and there’s no one to stop me. No one but mself. If I told myself I shouldn’t do it, I will still do because it was one way of letting all my anger and sadness and depression out. I am tired of keeping it inside. I am tired of keeping it even from myself. Maybe it’s time to let it out. Or is there another way of letting it out without destroying myself?

Then there’s another person who maybe, just maybe I can trust. I already told her a part of me. A part of my secrets. But I’m still scared. Afraid. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to be dependent on her for emotional support either because if I lose her too, I’ll be devastated all over again. She’s really nice and clean and pure and kind and I like everything about her. But I’m still scared. I should nto expect too much because I know I am nothing to her, well a friend of course, but not that kind of a friend who won’t be forgotten. Not yet I guess. I don’t want to be that friend who’s only remembered while we are together in school. I’m tired of that. I always have been that kind of friend. The one who gets left behind. I one who is forgotten when they have other friends around. The one who never had a great social life. My life is falling apart again, just like before. History is repeating all over again.

I need someone to hug. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and it’s okay to cry and breakdown because after that, they’d still be there and even if I leave university due to financial problems, they’d still talk to me. I still have to pay 4.5k and I really don’t know where to find that. I have no idea what I will do next year. I hope everything goes well. If not, then I guess it’s goodbye.

- Cole

#diary #personal #cole