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living-after-death-blog1 · 5 years

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The Day My Daughter Died.. (An introduction to the end and the beginning)

I received a phone call from my daughter's best friend, Alli, at about 2:30pm on that day. She told me that she had just left work and was on her way to my daughter's house, after receiving a frantic phone call from my daughter's roommate, Kenneth, who said that he had come home and found her unconscious, with a needle in her hand. He had called an ambulance, he had attempted CPR, and was now waiting outside of the house while the emergency personnel did their thing inside.

I think it was already pretty well established that my daughter was gone, and I think that this was probably communicated to me, but my brain literally wouldn't grasp it. I wasn't devastated; I was terrified. I spent the entire conversation (which was probably at least 20 minutes long) thinking that we didn't know anything yet, feeling like I was frozen, like everything around me was happening in slow motion, and that I was just holding my breath until the moment when Alli could finally get to the house and someone could tell us what was going on. I thought we were waiting to hear that she'd been trànsported or something. It honestly hadn't occurred to me until just now that simply knowing that Kenneth had attempted CPR should have been enough information to answer to the only question that was looping through my mind, over and over, until Alli arrived. "Is she breathing?"

I was 4 hours away, in another city.

Once Alli arrived, there were people everywhere; policemen, emergency responders, tons of neighborhood spectators, and Kenneth, the roommate. I was still on the phone, waiting, while he and Alli had a brief conversation, which I couldn't really hear and I finally interrupted to ask what I thought we'd been waiting to find out this whole time.. "But.. is she still breathing?"

At that point, I heard Alli take a deep breath and, very slowly, and with such pain, she said the words that made it real.

"No, Stephanie. She's gone."

I remember taking a deep breath and saying, "Okay."

It almost felt like, "Well.. Here we are. This is actually happening. You know, that thing that happens to other people, but not your child, not you? It's happening. Right now."

Another deep breath, and once again, " Okay.. "

I remember thinking that I needed to hold it together somehow, because I was going to have to handle and figure out a lot of things, and I really, really needed to be able to think. I just had to think. Figure this all out somehow, as if it were a problem that could be solved.

I did what I've always done when I need to call upon an extreme coping skill. I stopped feeling, and I started thinking. Intellectualizing, my therapist, Becca, the one from my daughter's first treatment center, used to call it.

I called upon that skill in that moment. Think. Think about what other people are going through, feeling, experiencing. Think about how everyone else feels, so you don't have to look at what this really is. Don't even get close to it.

That is the moment that I apologized to Alli for having to be the one to make such a horrible phone call, telling someone's mother that they are dead, and thanked her for being that person, at the same time. I thanked her for being a good friend. I told her I loved her. Said I'd be available for the police or whoever needs to speak to next of kin, and told her to give them my number.

I called my boyfriend first, in a panic; I had to get home, I had to get to Houston, and I had to get there NOW. I couldn't drive, and all I could think was how I needed to get there, I had to get there, and I needed to get there NOW. No answer.

I called my ex-husband (not the father of my daughter, but of two sons, ages 15 and 18, at the time) and, not realizing that the boys were in the car with him or that he had answered on speaker, I started screaming that my daughter was dead, she was dead, and I didn't know what to do. Of course, after finding out that the boys had overhead, I called both of them to apologize that they had had to hear me like that, to hear the news that way.

I don't remember very much of the next few weeks. The things I do remember are choppy, like random scenes from a movie, but I remember those things vividly.

I realized that I had to tell people. Who? Who is the first person you call to announce your daughter's death?

I called my mom first, I think, and I listened to her sob and repeat, "Noooo..." over and over.

I called my daughter's other grandmother, on her father's side, and I listened as she cried and kept saying, "Oh my god.."

I called my daughter's ex-boyfriend, Javi, the father of my granddaughter, who was 8 at the time, and he couldn't believe it, couldn't accept it, either; jumped in his car to go over there. I guess he needed to see it with his own eyes.

I spoke to another of my daughter's best friends, Jessica (she happened to text me, so I thought she already knew, and when I realized that she didn't, I told her to call me. She asked me, "How bad is it?" I said, "Bad."), and then she, too, immediately drove over to the house to meet up with Alli, Kenneth, and Javi.

I couldn't listen to any more breaking hearts at the moment, so as fucked up as it seems now, I just started texting people.

I texted my friend, Sarah, who, along with her entire family, have been like family to us. I don't even know how I said it. I think I said, "I'm so sorry to tell you like this, but they found her this morning, unconscious, with a needle, and she didn't make it. " Sarah immediately called me, and started screaming, " What? What? " as if she couldn't hear me. Her mind, too, couldn't seem to allow this to be real.

I spoke to my friends, Theresa and Joie, sisters, and they immediately offered all kinds of practical help that hadn't even occurred to me, such as setting up a GoFundMe account to pay for funeral expenses. I had been laid off from my job of over ten years several months prior, and so all of the life insurance policies and everything I'd been so used to just having were no longer available, and I had nothing.

Joie also posted on Facebook on my behalf. It was the only way I could think of to let everyone know, especially my daughter's friends, and it was because of all of these people, and so many more, that I have managed to get through this last year.

I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life, but I am surrounded by them. The GoFundMe account reached over $5000 within a couple of days.

My daughter's best friend from middle school is a hair and makeup artist, and she flew in from Colorado to make sure that she was the one who did the makeup for the viewing. That was always their thing, and even though my daughter's addiction had driven them apart over the years, Vikki had to do this one last thing for her friend, and I was happy to have her do it.

Sarah's ex-boyfriend, who knew my daughter as a child, took care of all of the flowers and arrangements.

Sarah's mom has a friend who was able to make a dress for my daughter to wear during the viewing; an Alice in Wonderland dress, because that was always her thing.

Sarah and her mom had already found the cheapest most decent funeral home that they knew of (her mom had used the place for her own mother's service), so I literally spent the next few days just having to answer yes and no questions.

It turned out that since my daughter never divorced the father of her second child (my grandson, Isaac, who was almost 7 at the time), even though they'd been separated and out of contact for a few years (she was engaged to someone else for at least a year), he was her next of kin, not me, and this brought forth a whole host of issues. He doesn't raise their son, his mother does, because he is either 1) insane, 2) brain damaged from drug use, 3) currently using drugs, or 4) a combination of all of the above. These things made the entire process very difficult for me.

They tried to dictate who could be invited to the funeral, which I wasn't on board with. They threatened me by saying that they would have her body transferred to the funeral home of their choosing and they would let me know when and where to show up. They said I could not have any locks of her hair. They said they would not split up her ashes. They even dictated to me that she be cremated, because they somehow knew (having only known her for a few years, and not knowing her at all, really, for the few years prior to her death) that she wanted to be cremated and that she wanted her ashes spread over the ocean.

I won't ever be able to understand why someone would treat the mother of a dead child the way that they treated me, but I've just added them to the list of people I'll have to figure out how to forgive somehow, eventually.

Everyone showed up for us, and I was so grateful for the presence of every single one of them. People I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, such as my ex-husband's ex-boss's ex-wife, lol.

I placed a son for adoption when I was 19, and though I had met him in person once, he and my other kids had not met. He and my daughter had been talking a lot on social media, and he had planned to come visit and meet everyone in May, after he graduated college, but ended up coming in April for her funeral, instead. He never even got to hear her voice.

There is so much I want to use this blog for. I want to document my own journey through this grief. I want to talk about addiction and help destigmatize the way people view addicts. I want to offer resources and maybe even hope. And I want to remember my daughter.

Her name was Jade. She was 26 years old when she died. She was one of the funniest, coolest, most creative, beautiful people you could have ever known. Yes, the addiction was a part of her journey, her struggle, but she was more than that. And I intend to honor ALL of who she was, by speaking the truth.

The truth is that she died from the toxic effects of an accidental overdose of heroin and methamphetamine. But that's just one part of her story, and mine, and I need to tell them both, even if no one ever reads a single word I type. I need to tell these stories.

Since I started with her death, here is a photo recap of what there is to know so far:

#grief #overdose #addiction #loss #bereavement #grieving

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y-hweh · 6 years

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one of my closest friends, the sweetest, kindest one i have, is suffering terribly from depression. he's seeing a psychiatrist but since he moved away for college he can't have as much psychological support he should. me and one of our mutual friends are doing our best to help him, but its hard and so tiring and i've started to go back to church bc of my sheer need to know someone up there is taking care of us - can you help me with some bible knowledge? thanks anyway, God bless you ♡

Hello Jean. I apologise for replying so late. Please know I have been praying for your friend.

I am so sorry about your friend. I have a very dear friend in a similar situation and it is just the worst thing to watch. My heart goes out to them and to you.

GODS WILL FOR US IS GOOD AND HE DESIGNED US FOR FULLNESS.

Let me tell you what I know. God is good. Always. And his will for each of us is good too. God never intends evil for us and he never puts us through suffering to teach us a lesson. I do not want you to think that your friend is being punished. That is not the case at all. God desired for heaven to be on earth. He wants your friend to be operating at their full capacity - living in abundance and in fullness of mind and spirit. That is his will. That is why he sent Jesus.

The father send his son, Jesus, so that we could have our lives back.

Colossians 2:11-15 (MSG) says this, “Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It’s not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you’re already in—insiders—not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. If it’s an initiation ritual you’re after, you’ve already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive—right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ’s cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets.”

I know it’s wordy, but Jesus died to give us full life. Gods will for your friend is good, I promise. This is good news because it means we get to pray and God partners with us to destroy the forces of evil. It almost sounds like a superhero movie but it’s real life.

THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HEAVY OR A BURDEN.

Matthew 11:30 says that “His yoke is easy and His burden is light.” This is not meant to be heavy for you to carry. Jesus takes the full weight of it, as he did with the cross. Please give it to Jesus. When my friend first started battling with this, I held on to sooo much of the responsibility. I felt it was my duty to make it better, to do all I could to ensure he was okay. And while it is good to care for people, we need not be consumed by this and fall into a pit that we are trapped in too. His yoke is easy and His burden is light means that He carries the weight. Give this to Jesus. You can trust him with it. He loves your friend so very much. Your friend is in good hands.

HEALING IS GODS WILL, ALL OF THE TIME.

Luke 5:12-13 says this, “While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” And immediately the leprosy left him.”

Jesus always desires to heal us. Both physical and mental. Believe that it is his wish as much as it yours and miracles will take place. Don’t think that he’s working against you. He is our healer and redeemer.

PRAY.

Prayer is the key. Pray for your friend. It works. It really really does work. Matthew 7:7 says “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”

I’ve seen people grow their legs out. I’ve seen my own mother conquer 10 years of severe depression through prayer. I’ve seen cancer disappear. I have friends who have witnessed resurrections. I’ve seen bones heal in unusually fast amounts of time. I’ve seen spines straighten out. I’ve seen plenty of healing related prayer answered. God HAS done it before and he WILL do it again. Pray for your friend. Seek God. He wants to see your friend come to fullness.

#yahwehasks #prayer for healing #depression

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izaedkhanblog · 3 years

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Life on a cliff!

Just few days back someone asked me on my instagram about the greatest struggle that I've overcome yet. To be honest with you, it sounded simple. If you've read my previous blogs, you'd know it was the period between 2013-2014 and that's exactly what I replied. It was a difficult period, no doubt. My head had become my greatest enemy. There was so much to process and sometimes I'd just give in. It shouldn't have happened but it did. Sometimes I would be worn out to the extent that I would shower a volley of abuses at my parents to their face and for that I have still not been able to forgive myself and perhaps never will. Sometimes I was just a football match away from contemplating the extreme step. I'd say to myself looking at the poisonous substance that I had got access to, okay, let this match finish, then that's how I am going to end my life and just after the match was finished, I'd just sleep because for me the only good thing about that phase was that I used to sleep a lot. Hell lot. I still can't believe that I got out of that phase but Alhamdulillah it's gone. But that's not where it finishes.

Life is so full of phases, so full of diversity that yesterday can never be compared with today and today can never be compared with tomorrow. I chose the the headline of this blog as "Life on a cliff" because with everyday that passes, life indeed does hang on a cliff. People who know me closely, especially from college days would know about my disdain for corporate life and it stands the reason why I gave up so many job opportunities. I have always been one for a competetive exam but things haven't been smooth on that front, with the pandemic forcing schedule changes in so many of the exams that I have been preparing for so long. It gets to your head sometimes... you ask yourself whether you're good enough or whether you were right giving up job opportunities for something that isn't even guaranteed. It worries me sometimes, but pondering over it will only be a waste of time. I am a confident guy and I am sure In Sha Allah something good will come out soon for me. Jobs, financial stability however do not worry me much to be honest. I have been blessed that way in the sense that I have my own personal car and a good one at that too, premium gadgets, my own personal income and absolutely no liabilities and my bank balance will soon get me in trouble with income tax department. I can afford time that way to pursue a career in law. But as things move on, I also realise sometimes you don't really get what you wish for. I belong to a business family and words of my friend Shivani still ring in my ears, '' Zaid, karega kuch bhi, wapas tujhe apna kaam hie karna hai, it's too big a source of income to let go.'' At that time I honestly thought it was the biggest load of nonsense I have ever heard. But now I do realise, yes... it is too big a source of income to let go.

I'd be honest with you though, I am obsessed with achieving something on my own terms. I want people to appreciate me for the hardwork I have done and it is the reason that I have come to think that jumping over to family business would be an absolute failure for me. I don't necessarily think it's the correct attitude to perceive things, but my mind has been moulded that way and I can't help it. I have to succeed at what I am doing, otherwise I think I'll be done (in my mind atleast). I am one of those guys who does get affected by people's opinion about him. It does affect me when people say I have it easy in my life being the only Son who has established sources of income for generations to come. It does affect me when people say I have it easy because I can still buy most expensive gadgets, own a personal car without being employed unlike those who are employed and have to think twice before shelling out money. It affects me. I think about it when honestly I shouldn't. It bothers me more when it comes from my own cousins, friends, people who I thought were close to me. But I won't dwell too much into it. One thing is for sure, no matter how much people's opinion bothers me, I no longer make decisions in life based on what they have to say. It's my life and I live it my own way.

One of those decisions like I spoke about it in previous blog is marriage. Why do people think marriage is the ultimate purpose of life? It's definitely not. I do think it is a beautiful concept but it shouldn't be ruined by people who constantly try to convince you about it. I truly believe this is a matter ordained by God and we should just shut up and bow down to what he has written for us that way. I don't wanna get married just yet. No. What a travesty it will be! People who know me always tell me I'll make a good companion especially because I cook amazing food, but let's not get into that 😅

Next few months are critical for me. Lot of life changing decisions have to be made. I have two-three preliminary exams coming up too, please pray all goes well for me. I'll be seeing my friends in Delhi soon and for a longer period since I intend to prepare for MAINS examination there if I do qualify these prelims. Fingers crossed!

#LifeDecisions #Future #Career #Struggle

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