#i read a book that said siblings often experience disenfranchised grief. that they're overlooked in favour of parents and children

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#i long for the pathetic melancholy that moping brings about #there is peace in it. like gentle rain #when the clouds clear I burn up in the sun's boiling rage. struggling to resist becoming enthralled by it #was this anger always here? repressed by a greater need? or have i been wronged and only now have i reached the boiling point? #they say grief manifests in many ways #i say that ever since elanor died everyone has only been patronizing me #i read a book that said siblings often experience disenfranchised grief. that they're overlooked in favour of parents and children #i say that couldn't be me. me and my sister were a pair. our reputation preceded us. people I've never met calling us the bannon boys #surely people would know that I care deeply for my sister and we were extremely close #people brush me off. blatantly. #....... #even my sister's dear friends brushed me off. even though we would know how each other hurt #my sister's funeral was nothing but disrespectful to her memory #droves of people came out of the woodwork many of whom my sister explicitly said she hated #even the rituals and prayers felt disingenuous. #..... #i grow weary of living for other people. i grow weary of not loving myself for the convenience of others #i tire of others expectations and disrespect #the world doesn't love me it loves this parody of me. this mask i made for them #i need to be me. i need to be the me i want to be. not the me i should be #... #it's almost cruel 🤣 #woe am i